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[silentlambrose]

Why I Fucking Love Teenage Girls (A Personal Essay from an Almost Adult)

A few months ago, I went to a big family gathering at my grandparents’s house and ran into a cousin of mine. She seemed much older than the last time I had seen her (oh, the passage of time), so I asked her what age she was. She replied, “Oh, I’m fifteen.” And my immediate reaction?

“Oh my god, I am so sorry.”

She laughed, which gives me a little bit of hope that maybe, for her, being fifteen isn’t a complete fucking nightmare. But I think she recognized what I was saying on some level. Fifteen is, without a shadow of a doubt, the worst age. Wait, maybe fourteen. Thirteen? Twelve was pretty bad, too. Fuck it, they all suck. Nothing summarizes being a young girl better than this simple quote from The Virgin Suicides: “You’re not even old enough to know how bad life gets.” “Obviously, Doctor, you’ve never been a thirteen-year-old girl.”

It’s amazing, really. I spent my entire childhood counting down the days until I could be a teenager. I planned everything out perfectly: I would go shopping with friends by myself downtown by fourteen, kissing cute boys by fifteen, losing my virginity by sixteen, driving a cute car by seventeen, and off to university to have even more amazing experiences at eighteen. My life would be a fucking commercial, starring me, my best friends, and Jordan Catalano. It was going to happen.

Until it didn’t.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I actually had a few of those things on my list. I drove a pretty bitchin’ baby blue VW Beetle and I did end up going to university. I’m luckier than most. But where were the boys? Where were the cute clothes? Who took my fantasy and dumped a steaming bag of hot garbage juice on it?

We sell this idea of what you’re life is going to be to young girls from the fucking get-go. To be fair, that’s advertising, right? Selling you the life you want, no matter the age? Well, unfortunately, little girls can’t see through the bullshit. We internalize all of it. And that’s what makes the hardships of being a teenage girl sting even more.

I was thrown into the pot of steaming dogshit pretty early. I was wearing a bra at nine, dealing with self loathing by ten, and by twelve, I was officially balls-deep in it. And it didn’t go away. Between twelve and (I’ll be generous and say) seventeen, all the garbage just kept circulating in my system. It would just evolve, or die down, only to flare up at the slightest irritation. That’s what being a teenage girl is: you’re full of poison. Mostly, you just poison yourself over and over again, but sometimes some of it leaks out of you and onto someone else.

At twelve, most girls understand real sadness. Twelve, though it seems so young to us now, felt really old at the time. By this point, you’ve already been told how to be, and realized that you’re not measuring up. By twelve, your skin is already shit, and your body is too flabby or your breasts haven’t come in yet. Worst of all, when you’re a girl, by twelve you’ve probably already been in a situation that made you feel threatened sexually. Let that sink in. From the top of my head, I can think of four moments in my life, before the age of twelve, when someone crossed a line with me. Four. This is not abnormal.

By thirteen, you’re already prepared to destroy yourself. When you’re a sad teenage girl, you try a lot of things out, see which ways work best for you. It’s like you can feel the poison bubbling under your skin, all the time. I recognized this in other girls. I could see them clawing at their skin, lashing out at others, trying everything they could possibly dream up. So they cut themselves, make themselves sick, scream at their mothers, smoke, drink, send pictures to the wrong person, do things they might not want to do. Because literally anything, anything that might make things go away for five minutes, is worth it. 

By fourteen, I felt like a veteran. In my mind, I had seen some shit, man. I had felt some fucking feelings. And honestly, I thought things were getting better. I was still a bit broken from things that had happen in middle school, but hey, this is high school! I had been dreaming about this forever! It has to be better, right?

At fifteen, the optimism in me had died. I woke up every day with an anchor on my chest. I went from a solid B student to barely passing. I wouldn’t go out with friends, because suddenly they were branching out, meeting new people, and I didn’t know how to handle that. My lifelong fear of men really didn’t do me any favors with boys. When you flinch every time they move a hand too quickly, and find it nearly impossible to look them in the eye without wanting to throw up, you don’t get asked out much. My mother didn’t know what to do with me, so I would spend all day, every day, locked in my room. University? Fuck no, man. I could barely get my ass out of bed as a basic daily requirement, how could I possibly want to continue my education?

Sixteen was… different. Good and bad. I had woken up from the dead, but it’s not like things just go away. I was doing well in school, I started thinking about university again, and I even hung out with friends sometimes. But things were not great internally. I gave myself over to some extremely unhealthy behavior, which went completely unnoticed. Whatever. It’s still kind of a blur to me. What can I say? I’m an almost adult, I’m allowed to not have everything figured out.

And then, like the rising sun, seventeen happened. I got better. I worked harder. I had a goal, and I was rising to the challenge. I actually enjoyed school, and sometimes, I even went to parties (and had a little bit of fun!). I gained enough control over my unhealthier behavior to start healing, even if the process has been painfully slow. I finally understood what it was like to wake up and be okay. I graduated high school and went off to the university of my choice. Not happily ever after, but I’ll save that for another time.

Now, if you’re still reading, you might be confused. Why am I listing off all the crappy shit I felt between the ages of twelve and seventeen? If you hated being a teenage girl so much, why do you love them? 

Because even with every single fucking thing a teenage girl has to deal with, they still manage to do something so mind blowing, yet completely simple: love, unabashedly.

You know those girls everyone loves to shit all over? The ones who really fucking love something? Those girls, man. They take all that energy, all that circulating fire in their veins, and instead of letting it destroy them, they choose to love, ferociously. Be it a band, or a book, or a series of films. They do it to keep themselves sane, and yet we mock them for it. Teenage girls find a buoy for themselves in the sea of emotional ruin, and they hold on tighter than anyone else. 

One of the most popular ways people like to hate teenage girls is to complain about their “insane” crushes on boy band members. Now, let me fucking tell you something: those big dumb crushes are what helps a teenage girl develop her sexuality in a safe environment that she can control. In her world, she can listen to One Direction and hear all these songs about how great she is, and how much these cute non-threatening boys want to make her feel special. Why is this so important? Because no one is pushing them. There’s no fourteen year old boy shoving his clammy hands down your shirt without your consent. These fantasy boys are not convincing a girl to send naked pictures, only to show all their friends and call her a slut. In the fantasy land of boy bands, the girl has all the power. And we need to stop judging them for wanting to escape into that.

I love teenage girls because even if they hate themselves, they love other people. I remember how I felt, seeing other girls go through what I was going through. It ruined me. I wanted so desperately to help them out of the muck, but when you’re submerged yourself, there’s not a lot you can do. Teenage girls understand, and they want to make sure no one else feels the way they do. I see it on websites like Tumblr all the time. It’s fucking beautiful.

I love teenage girls because society loves to blame them for everything. The self-obsessed teenage girl is always the face of the “problem” with youth today. Apparently, these superficial teenage girls who love their iPhones too much are the issue. Not, you know, the people conditioning them to believe that their worth is tied to how many Likes they got on their last selfie. No, you’re right, let’s focus on the girls who post on Facebook too much. Great.

I’m in film school now, so often I get asked, “What kind of work do you want to make?” Usually, I don’t have an answer. Good work, I guess? But thinking about it, I know what I want to do: I want to make movies for teenage girls. Stories about teenage girls with agency, who rebel, who take all that energy and channel it into something, even if it’s not necessarily positive. I want to represent the girls I love so much. Because I have been one of those girls, and I will always carry a part of that with me.

So just try and talk shit about teenage girls around me. Just fucking try it.

[silentlambrose]

Hello I’m only back for a quick sec and to solely post this tweet I saw a while ago because rgnivdkjsnvjknskjv YES

[silentlambrose]

that was absolute SHITE and you know what i’m talking about 

[silentlambrose]

I bought the first book a few months ago and its just been sitting on my shelf for quite some time. I’ll most definitely start reading it during the holidays. CANT WAITT

Name a character of a movie or a show or an anime or a book or whatever that highly resembles (can either be personality traits or physical description) a character from SnS

SMALL SPOILERS TO THE STORM AND SILENCE SERIES AND THE FIRST BOOK IN THE SHADE OF MAGIC SERIES “A Darker Shade of Magic”

(the spoilers are not plot wise but more about character’s back stories and personalities, not really something that will ruin the experience of reading, but still I don’t want to ruin it for anyone)

Delilah Bard from the “Shades of Magic” book series, definitely. I love this girl so much.

Lila is everything I wanted from Lilly, she is brave, smart, seeking for adventures and freedom. She wouldn’t let anything stop her from living the life she wants.

They resemble so much:

Both have short brown hair

Both live in London in the 1800s

Both dress up as male and use alias to hide their identities (Victor Linton, The Shadow Thief)

Both wish for freedom, more then anything, they don’t want to be tied up to someone to be able to live

Both fell in love with the man who helped them to fulfill those dreams

But here is the difference, Lilly lost herself in the way, she started forgetting why she did all that, became more invested in the love she felt then in her dreams and goals. The man she loved didn’t believed in her, he thought her goals were ridiculous, he wanted her to forget about them, to stay with him, to live the life she wanted to run from. And she agreed, for love she was ready to lose herself and give up on her dreams. and it was very unlike her.

Lila on the other hand, Lila is dangerous, fearful, she is The Sarows and she makes grown men shake with fear. With how much she love Kell, I would never imagine her giving up her freedom for him, I mean, Kell would definitely do it for her, but her freedom is the most valuable thing she have, Lila would shake worlds to get what she wants, but she won’t give up on the thing she wanted the most.

I think this is all matter of priorities, Lilly didn’t prioritized her freedom as much as she said. She lived in a middle class family, never really lacking money or food. She went not once to a ball, wearing a fancy dress, fake smiling, pretending to be lady-like and polite. She was used to this world, yes, she hated it, but she knew it.

On the other hand, Lila, she grew up in a poor family, her mother passed away, her father tried to sell her to prostitution. She had to pick-packet people for living. She was a thief, a criminal, she dreamed of life in the sea, sailing as a pirate. She wanted freedom, she wanted adventure. Tying herself to one place is the worst thing she can do to herself, she can’t give up on her freedom because she is too wild and restless. If love meant staying at one place, putting herself to the will of one person, she would’ve rather give up on love then lose her freedom. (But that would never happen because my boy Kell is amazing and he understands and respect Lila unlike Ambrose who is a shitass who doesn’t understand or respect Lilly and only wants to lock her up in a marriage she didn’t even wanted.)

Anyways, if any of you want a decent female character, read the Shade of Magic series I love it so much it’s so good and just like wow.

[silentlambrose]

I have exams tomorrow (and the next 2 weeks) so I’ll try to ask some more SnS blogs (and even READERS) just cause I enjoy reading everyone's answer. I absolutely adore yall. And I haven’t forgotten your ask @lambroseforlife , I’ll get back to it ASAP just cause I have a lot to say but just currently swamped with studies UGHHH

[silentlambrose]

yessss this is what I was exactly thinking. 1920′s SnS UGHH. Someone write a fanfic of this

If you could choose the timeframe of Storm and Silence, what era/year would you choose?

Wow… I haven’t really thought about this. I feel like I would keep it the same since I think Ambrose and Lilly really fit in the era but secretly I would love to see them in the 1920s when the women’s liberation movement as well as women’s right to vote was established, I think that’d be cool to see Ambrose as a bootlegger or something and Lilly as a flapper

[silentlambrose]

I’m gonna plaster this answer on my bedroom wall. UGH you are an absolute angel. 

Despite the constant disappointment Sir Rob has been delivering us, I agree with it being hard to just suddenly stop reading the series altogether when its had mountains of impact in your life (literally the only reason why I suddenly became interested in history and why I'm taking a history course despite the fact that I intend to go to a medical path). 

Honestly, the first book was just absolute perfection. It was a perfect balance between romance and adventure. The slow burn romance Lillian and Rikkard had in the first book was what really made me fall in love with the couple. 

What made you fall in love with Storm and Silence? Do you see yourself continuing reading the series to the end despite the fact that it's been disappointing?

From the first chapter, I really loved the idea of a young adult female protagonist set on obtaining independence and freedom during a restrictive time period where gender roles were rigidly set. I was hooked especially from seeing the drastic lengths she would go to achieve her dreams despite the circumstances and risks. The writing style was engaging and the realistic storyline immersive with the details and extensive descriptions given. It was also quite enjoyable to read the banter of two individuals with clashing ideals forced to work together and in the process, realizing that they may be more similar than they thought. 

However, Im mainly talking about the first book. All these themes of progression and individual development devolved over the course of the series. I expected to see growth and maturity from the characters. What had potential to be an epic, adventurous story instead deteriorated into one solely centering on a badly fleshed out romance that in real life, would be seen as a terrible relationship. Complex characters regressed into one-dimensional caricatures of their former selves. In the process, they lost their best, redeeming traits only to be replaced by worse ones for “comedic purposes”. In essence, this series went downhill and changed into a cheapened, inconsistent plotline to cater to fans wanting to read more “romance” in order to generate more $$$.

Despite all this though, yes. I do see myself continuing to read until the (very bitter) end. I’ve been keeping up with this series every Wednesday since May/June of 2014 when it had less than 10 chapters. It would feel impossible for me to cut out a 4+ year habit suddenly. Even though it’s quite obvious that many people have left the fandom and the few remaining hardcore stans who still blindly praise the current state of the most recent book pretty much have the mentality of a ten-year old, haven’t seriously considered how an actual relationship works, and are only reading it for the sake of “romance”. Also at this point, it feels like every recent update is an inch closer to a gradual train wreck that you can’t look away from.

This whole series has been an entire learning experience for me and has served as a catalyst in my life. When it was still good, it pushed me to open my own fanblog, write out my own theories, help develop a wikia and from its current downhill state, has motivated me to write my own fanfiction. If anything, Im extremely grateful for how it has encouraged me to sharpen my writing skills. I feel that the practice has really helped it improve measurably. Ultimately, as for what this series has turned into, it serves as a prime example of what to NOT do if I ever decide to write my own original works someday.

[silentlambrose]

absolutely adore drunk Lilly

Favourite chapter out of the whole series?

My favourite chapter would have to be specifically chapter 65 )tho the ones after are also great) because:

[silentlambrose]

Book 3 was absolutely unnecessary, the whole adventure to South America was just a stretched scheme so Rikkard can avoid his family and such event became pointless because in book 4 he still ended up going back to his family’s estate. Also quick little note, I’m aware it was Lillian who suggested the idea so she herself can avoid and get away from her suitors but initially, Rikkard was against it and it wasn’t until his mother personally invited him to come to Adaira’s coming out into society did he agree.

If you could rewrite a book from the SnS series, what would it be? Do you believe that Rikkards past (running away, working at colonies etc.) is a good reason/excuse for his actions (towards Lillian and his possessiveness of her or the way he is stingy about everything or perhaps the way he treats his workers)?

If I could rewrite a book (I shouldn’t because I am a S H I T T Y writer but if I could) it would be book 3- because I feel like there was no real plot of it but lust which in turn lead to the objectively Worst™️ book (book 4) and the shitshow which is book 5. If I rewrote it I’d give it a consistent plot and actually give the characters the development they n e e d.

For the second question I don’t think rikkards past is any good reason/excuse for his behaviour, first of all its very egocentric you can infer he’s one of those “if I can do it why can you” kinda people, he’s a straight up capitalist (which is immoral within it self) and the possessiveness is a abusive Dickmove. The whole mysterious bad boy is an over used shitty character and rikkard could have been so much more

[silentlambrose]

LOVE this!!!

What are some your favourite lambrose scenes?

Oh that’s a hard question because I love a lot of them.

Personally, a good favourite of mine would be when Lily gets drunk for the first time. I love humour and how it leads to the kiss scene. It was something pure and heartfelt. The way he looked after her and made sure she was okay.

A second would be when he is leaving her and she can’t bear to be apart from him. It shows how her character has grown from thinking she doesn’t need anyone to their relationship depending on one another.

Finally this is just precious!

[silentlambrose]

I dunno what I was expecting but definitely not this. I agree, seeing Dagliesh in a different limelight where he’s perceived as the nice one would be interesting considering the mountains of shit he’s taken from the fandom LOL.

If you had to choose one character from the SnS series (EXCLUDING Rikkard, Lillian, Karim, Captain Carter) to write a book in which they're the protagonist (or antagonist if its to your interest) who would you choose?

Daniel Dagliesh as a protagonist ;) cuz I just wanna know what others think his reason was to I guess betray rick. Or what his life would be like. Also I’m rlly interested in dagliesh and he’s one of the people we don’t even know about, like who the h e ck are his parents? And his love life. Sorry I’m physically dead. :))))

[silentlambrose]

At what point of the series did you see yourself giving up hope for it?

at the end of silence breaking. i was beginning to dislike it around the middle of silence breaking, but i still had hope until the last couple of chapters :(

[silentlambrose]

So this part from chapter 41 of SB confused me a lot when I read this and it still does. From my understanding, he fell in love with her for being the complete opposite of the definitions for submissive and obedient. So why would he want her to be that way?

If you truly love someone then wouldnt you accept the essence of who they are as a person? For Lilly, shes known to be fiery, headstrong, independent and going by that time period’s standards of obedience, it is the complete opposite of who she is.

Also, what is his definition of obedience and submission? Does it mean he would expect her to behave in a manner opposite of how she currently is if they got married?

He didnt elaborate much to her as to what it would have entailed for her (besides expecting kids which is still messed up nonetheless) so is it the same “wife=angel of the house” like how 19th century societal standards would dictate? He seems to go against the norm for societal expectations on other matters.

Someone please help explain this to me, its been making me crazy trying to decipher his way of thinking behind this. Unfortunately he seems to speak in a language that I dont understand 😭😭😭

[silentlambrose]

Adaira is gay for Lilly and that’s the tea

[silentlambrose]

Waiting for the new update but at the same knowing that lambrose will probably keep pulling it’s toxic bullshit

[silentlambrose]

Imma keep it real with you chief, I’m a little sad by how this fandom has become less and less inactive and I know for a fact it's mostly due to how the series itself has just completely hit rock bottom. Looking back at old posts made me feel nostalgic LOL. UGHh despite the fact that I’ve literally only been in the fandom for a little over a year now, I found my own little world of happiness within the fandom, the series (first two books in particular) and this blog lol. (very cheesy, SUE ME its bloody 2 am where I live.

[silentlambrose]

You Know What I Want?

I want Rikkard to slip up when Lilly is going on a rant of something funny that makes even Karim try to hide his laughter by coughing.

I want it to start by him holding his hand over his mouth, turning away until he slips up and laughs.

Not ‘chuckles’ but full out ‘snorting’ kind of laughter. Give me happy and smiling Ambrose who’s eyes crinkle and gripping sides because they hurt from laughing kind of happiness.

Lilly stands there, awestruck (so is Karim) and Rikkard is scared for a second, he tries to stop himself from laughing because god forbid the same thing happens again (cue tragic memory of last time he laughed and then never did again). Until she starts laughing too, laughter is contagious after all.

And then Rikkard is startled. Because Lilly is gorgeous when she laughs.

Just… give me Rikkard being so god damn happy and safe with Lilly that he laughs so hard he cries.