sillygate - Tumblr blog

[sillygate]

don’t be a stranger! (please linger near the door uncomfortably instead of just leaving. please forget your scarf in my life and come back later for it)

[sillygate]

don’t want to be a girl i want to be a single star in the night sky shining so bright all the way to lonely people who look up and hope to see a sign

[sillygate]

One thing I really love about seedy anime websites and YouTube mp3 converters is like. They actually do what they say they’re doing. But they WILL try to trick you into downloading a virus. Like it’s almost just a greeting at this point. I try to extract a song from a YouTube video and it says free VPN installer tonight perhaps? Free VPN installer tonight queen? And I say YouTube-mp3 converter you sly dog, you know what I’m here for. Show me the goods. And YouTube-mp3 converter says ahhh you got me, no getting one over on you. Thought it was worth a try tho. Here you go king x

[sillygate]

WLWMEME: 2/10 ships ♡ taissa turner & van palmer (yellowjackets)

I kept surviving all this shit that should've killed me and I, you know, I just ... I figured it meant something. You know, like, maybe it meant that I had some kind of purpose in all of this, but, uh ... yeah. I'm not fucking seeing it, Tai. You helped me see, hear, and sleep, and I would be dead without you. I need you, Van. I need you, too.

[sillygate]

the usher children + god's gonna cut you down

[sillygate]

when you are a girl like me everyone who breathes is god to you. and to stop loving god is to stop loving everything.

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less than a month to go boys

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2008

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DIRECTOR'S NOTE

You can't go home. This play has a particular care for and interest in its victims. The resident

inciting event is endless. tragedy is much more concerned with footnotes than it is with gods.

well acquainted with what happens afterward, storytellers claim they can't diverge from what's

written: resist. rage against what must be. tell a story about war without talking

about love. survive its aftermath. fail to find resolution. make this suffering

a home. There's no breaking this chain— fate, as always, gets its way.

Poetry assembled from the program of an Oresteia production. Nov. 2023.

[sillygate]

yellowjackets commission

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this is literally peak romance to me, the entire history of gay cinema has led to this exact moment

[sillygate]

LOONA/Yves - new // Paper Girls #1 // LOONA/yyxy - one // Paper Girls #29

[sillygate]

often, i yearn for a feeling i had lost long ago. it’s a feeling hard to put into words; i believe it’s the only thing we share, at our core. this naivety, this innocence, this wide-eyed openness and captivity with how grand everything was.

there is something so raw, so pure, so untouched within the unbiased and untainted perspective of a child.

even pain was not so bad. i had felt sad, i had felt angry, i had felt hurt… but i hadn’t felt unsafe. i hadn’t felt that deep, lonely, rotten discomfort that settles in your stomach sometimes.

i know my insights fit too large for my age; i haven’t existed eyes open on this earth for two decades and here i am, preaching of childhood as if it wasn’t in my clutches only yesterday.

but you’ll hear old people describe aging sort of the way i remember riptides. you think you have hold of your own weight, that you harness control, that you’re aware of the world around you.

and then the ground beneath you shifts, pulls you down with it.

your head thumps against the sand and the waves wash over your face and when you open your eyes again there are cities around you where there weren’t cities before and your body aches a lot more.

once, i heard an old person say they felt the same as they did when they were seventeen. we’re not so different, in that sense. the world froze at 11:59 pm on a january 12th a long time ago and it has not unfrozen since.

i have been dreaming for a long time. as an adult, you fall into something that you do not wake up from. there is a certain point where you learn to let go of it all, i think.

i have not learned how to yet.

i think the world stops you on the brink of adulthood every time. and i think as people we are convinced that there is some conclusion, some point in our life where things will cataclysmically shift, but the life you live within is constructed of how you spend each hour.

when you lay stagnant, it’s really not a life at all, is it? when you are still for a lifetime, you are not a human. you are a corpse.

sometimes, i’m convinced that adulthood is a mirage. my body is still laying in a bedridden memory in 2020. when you grow up you die and you become a ghost and you go around like that, like your entire existence isn’t ridden with decay.

when i open my eyes in heaven i will be seventeen years old, and i will tell god of the life i lived, and he will laugh and tell me that it sounds like i had a nice dream.

i will not recognize my grandparents without the wrinkles on their faces. they look more alive here than they ever had on earth.

it’s a shame that we live this way. it seems life has been so convoluted that we’ve turned to religion and spirituality in hopes that death will be the turn around.

i don’t remember thinking about god much until i learned to fear death. and after i had, i went through phases of frantically praying every night, hoping that i was following the rules right. sometimes i’d be afraid that somewhere along the way something had been dropped, missed, mistranslated — that no matter how well i followed those rules, i would still slip through the cracks.

of course, these spells never went away. once you learn to fear death so intrinsically, so innately… it’s intertwined deeply with every aspect of the world.

death is the only truly universal experience. being afraid of it makes you afraid of the world.

and i think now that the senseless ease of youth that seems so far from my grasp must simply be what it is to not be so afraid all of the time.