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[slutwithagut]

Post #2

The amount of cigarettes I’m smoking is insane for someone with no income! It’s time to ration. It would be cheaper to roll my own… but I don’t know how to roll. Maybe now is the time to finally learn? I digress. We will worry about that at a later time n date.

I have a close friend who employs me to give him rides home from work. Usually every Monday he needs a ride home from work around 8:10 pm because he goes in at 8 something the next day. Occasionally he asks for rides from the local trolley stop that’s about a 10 minute drive from my house.

I bring this up because my weekly income is about $28 on a good week.

So I need to chill on the tobacco.

Things were easier when I smoked spliff bowls (mole bowls, moke bowls, party bowls, whatever u wanna call them) which is cannabis mixed with tobacco. I’ve purchased a great many bags of bugler tobacco. It’s much more cost effective then buying a pack of cigs. The bugler pouch is roughly good for about 30 cigs versus the 20 you find pre rolled. It costs $7/$8 while a pack of cigs is $10/$11

I had purchased a joint rolling machine and filters earlier this year to roll my own. I found it just didn’t hit the same. I also proceeded to break the joint roller. A common theme in my life. Breaking useful objects due to carelessness and or intoxication. If only y’all knew me when I did XANAX and drank heavily while popping. I broke so many things… three lovely bongs, a babyliss hair straightener, bottles, and endured countless bruises and scratches. I also strained some of my personal relationships as you don’t give a single solitary FUCK when your xanned out.

So moral of the story is I am going to start rationing out my cigarettes.

I might buy a vape but I have to go on the black market for one and it seems like such a hassle.

Smoking cigarettes may seem glamorous and look cool. It feeds my oral fixation. But it makes you stink. I literally need to buy gum, scented hand sanitizer, and a small bottle of body spray so I don’t smell bad.

Wish my luck my loves! It ain’t easy trying to kick my vices.

It’s also 12:19 a.m. while I write this. My brain is tired but my body is on high alert. I do suffer from insomnia and weed helps that a lot.

It’s tough to learn how to live my life with out mind altering substances. I also find myself becoming more irritable. I might need to up the dosage on my medicine. I also kind of want to ask my doctor for sleeping pills… but it seems wrong? Since they have a potential for abuse. It would be nice to actually be able to fall asleep around the same time every night. I’ll probably be up until 2 or 3.

If I fall asleep before that I usually wake between 3 and 4 to pee. Then toss and turn till 6 or 7. Get up, smoke a cigarette and if I’m lucky fall back a sleep for a bit. I awake groggy and feeling worse than when I first woke. But still I nap after waking up. It’s a vicious cycle.

I’m going to start wearing my FitBit smart watch to bed again so I can track my sleep. It lets you know how many times you wake up, how deep your sleep was, etc. and it gives you a sleep score for the night. I want to see if my sleep is truly fucked up enough to constitute medicine. The less pills I’m on the better. But sleep is important and staying up late with my thoughts is not the most pleasant experience.

At least now I have you guys to talk and write to, to pass the time.

Restlessly,

D

[slutwithagut]

[slutwithagut]

IM CHANGING 💕

[slutwithagut]

$5, 2018

Private school drop out. Too broke to be there. Gifted kid facade fading. Marlboro reds. Late night sad sesh. Quad always quad. Philly alt. White boy cry about ex over a shit riff. Sad about a boy. No better am I? Crowded basements. $5. White people everywhere. Piss beer. Bad taste, always. Lights all around. Dark room. One couch. Right space. Tight face. Shit friends. Mask off, mask on, mask off. Transactional sex. No love. One guy.  Overdrive. Obsession. Infatuation. Stained all over me. All over you. Lead me to my edge. Insane inhale. Exhale two. Gritty mumbles. Downbeat. Drone on. Desire, desire, desire. Clone to be you. Never could. Minutes out. Blurry lines and leaking ink. Shameful. Now, shameless. Burns by design. Indie lover. Reactive screams. Ocean of tears. She's here. They're gone. My love. A soundtrack to forever. I'll be numb next time I'm here I wish. Come true? It did.

-GenPlz

(About my time in Philly. Smoking a Marlboro red in the first time in 2 years and it made me reminisce)

[slutwithagut]

it's like i am literally never going to own a house or find authentic love or escape the clutches of late stage capitalism so really what am i living for

[slutwithagut]

[slutwithagut]

[slutwithagut]

[slutwithagut]

Post #1

What’s up Sluts?!

My Name is Danielle but you can call me Dani D!

I decided it was finally time to start a blog. It’s gonna be like my diary so get ready. We going all the way live and keeping it RAW as possible. Ya dig?

I hope so.

I’m 8 days sober off alcohol. 0 days sober off weed and nicotine. Although I’m not ready to cut out the cigarettes I am weaning myself down off the weed. I had a “slip up” on coke a few weeks ago. I just had to keep it real.

I started drug counseling classes A.K.A. Outpatient rehab. My first day was Thursday. It was interesting to say the least. A little boring…. And my ass hurt from sitting down for two hour and fifteen minute sessions. Didn’t get a whole lot out of the classes so far, other than a crush.

To respect anonymity I won’t divulge too many juicy details however I’ll give you the basics. He’s in his thirties, curly hair, about 5’6, seems to like the color purple, and has one of the sexiest voices I’ve ever heard. He said during our group session he enjoys: art, making music, singing, and sex. (My memory is a lil hazy so this is roughly what he said, I know I’m missing a few interests of his.) He also mentioned his drug of choice is cocaine so naturally that piqued my interest.

It’s probably a terrible idea to have any interest in this man but I can’t help myself. I decided I’m going to try and bum a cigarette from him sometime and try and strike up a conversation.

I’m also going to wear makeup next time I go to my group sessions. I went au natural last time because my theory is, you show up looking like shit the first time so it’s only up from there.

People watching is truly the best part of the group sessions, listening to peoples stories and checking everyone out.

Next week I have a trauma group. I won’t be sharing anything anyone else shares as it is supposed to be confidential. However if I’m feeling bold I’ll let you guys know what I share.

That’s all for now. But I did want to let y’all know this blog will be about my sobriety journey, and all the ins and outs of my life. Be it cooking, makeup, gardening, or just sharing what the fuck I ate for breakfast. Expect a variety of topics.

Peace out Girl Scouts (for now)

Love, D