smoke-and-lemondrops-blog

[smoke-and-lemondrops-blog]

As said before I need somewhere to say the things I can’t elsewhere.

The only people that know about my mental illness stuff are my mom and my doctors. That’s it. And I still feel uncomfortable about it. I don’t even tell my mom everything and I’m too scared to bring things up to my psychiatrist. And when I do try to talk to anyone I instantly regret it because I don’t want anyone worrying about me.

I feel so paranoid that someone will say something or talk behind my back, because really, who hasn’t had this happen to them before. Or I don’t want them to hold this over my head later or say what’s going on with me isn’t real. (Because this has been said to me before)

Part of me is like “so what, who cares. It doesn’t matter anyway. Tons of people go through this all the time” but at the same time “holy shit it would be the end of the world and I’d die of shame and embarrassment”

I know talking to someone would make things so much easier but I’m so scared.

[smoke-and-lemondrops-blog]

I need to just vent and type out the things I wish I could say, so pardon the negativity, whining and bitching. I have anxiety and depression and whatever else. I've been on medications since Aug 2016 and nothing has really helped. And yes I know there's no magic pill to make everything better. I started seeing a psychiatrist in January, and I don't know if I like it or not. First visit I was told to have severe depression because of suicidal thoughts, but nothing more has been said about it. To her, it's all about putting me on more medication, and what my panic attacks are like. The only counseling suggested to me was meditation. Maybe the more I go it won't be so bad. Or I need to speak out more. But I feel so uncomfortable. But with this, in addition to my stress-related IBS, I can't go to school or work. I barely graduated high school, and the thought of being in a classroom or working makes me panic. Interviews scare me and even if I somehow got a job, I'd feel too uncomfortable dealing with people. And if I quit or were fired, I'd be too embarrassed to ever go there again. There's so much more to this too but I always have a hard time writing or saying what I'm thinking.

[smoke-and-lemondrops-blog]

Bismuth Geode

Or a cyborg egg hatching. You decide. 

[smoke-and-lemondrops-blog]