snippetsofsydney

[snippetsofsydney]

Venting some frustration

This is not a happy go lucky kinda post. If you are in a place where your own mental health is fragile, I suggest not reading any further and that you focus on your own mental health but I need to have a space to vent to get some of this shit out of my head for the sake of my own mental.

Living life as a neurodivergent human is not always the easiest thing in the world, it's even harder when one mental health thing impacts another which impacts another, etc, etc, etc and impacts your life as an autistic human. I am diagnosed with a long list of mental health problems, I've spent time in a psychiatric unit, I am not ashamed of this, it was what I needed at the time. It has taken me literal years to get my medication correct, to get my diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder and live life where I actually feel like I am living it. I am a very self-aware person, I know when my mental heath is going downhill and I know what actions I need to take in order to balance myself back out so that I can get back on top of things and get my mental health back under control. So then please tell me why some prick on the end of the phone won't listen to me and provide the help that I am asking for? Is it really that fucking difficult? I am autistic, I have bipolar and I also suffer with seasonal affective disorder. The last few years, I've been ok-ish. I struggle but I can manage with the support of my family and friends. This year is different, I've moved into a house that seems to have one problem after another (we currently have a water feature in the living room that comes with a lovely hole in the ceiling), money is a worry because benefits got fucked around with and left us £700 short this month, Christmas is the most wonderful expensive time of the year, the love of my life has health problems that I can't take away for her and our daughter has epilepsy and is suspected ADHD. I think it's a lot for anyone to deal with, ok? Through in my mental health that comes with lush and oh so friendly intrusive thoughts about people hating me, that I'm not good enough and don't deserve the love I have in my life, I am struggling. I know what I need. I need antidepressants increased/added to my current cocktail to see me through the next 6-8 weeks while I get on top of everything. That's all. I need a little boost but apparently that is too much to ask for. GP referred me to mental heatlh team as GP wasn't comfortable enough in their knowledge of mental health to mess with my medication because he feared making it worse. That is a fair, reasonable and responsible thing for the GP to do and I totally respect their decision. The mental health people on the other hand were fucking useless and seemed desperate for me to say I wanted to harm myself or was contemplating suicide - neither of which are true and the whole point of me getting on top of things now is so that I do not go on a downward spiral where I reach those things. I was recommended CBT (for like the thousandth time), something I have never had success with and have even discovered that there is proof that autistic and ADHD brains are largely unable to have a successful response to CBT because those types of brains work differently. To get my medication adjusted, which is what I was referred to the mental health team for, I have been referred back to the GP who doesn't have enough of an understanding to adjust my medication and referred me to this mental health team in the first place! I am so many levels of frustrated right now it's unfucking real! I do all the right things that I am meant to do when I am struggling in order to maintain my mental health and no fucker will actually help me! I have an eleven year old daughter to think about! I don't want to reach the point of psychosis and end up terrifying her! I don't want my love to worry that I'm going to do something to harm myself. I know how to look after myself and what is needed to be done in order to avoid all the BS that took years for me to get out off but no one is willing to help me apparently and my family, the most important thing in my entire existence, is now at risk of suffering because of it. This might be an overreaction right now because my autistic ass is just beyond overwhelmed and everthing is just too fucking much. Sounds are far too loud, even the gentle clack of puppy nails on the

hard floors has me wanting to fill my ears with cement. Lights are so bright that I have a permanent headache and my eyes feel as though they are burning. This impacts what I am able to do, I can't play video games to decompress (I'm still gonna try) because it's too loud and too bright, I can't even watch a movie because it's like my eyelids have been pinned open, the TV screen is touching my eyeballs and the brightness of the TV is on max with a powersurge happening. Which means no streaming and no socialising with my friends - it sucks balls and doesn't help my mental health. SO yeah, I'm frustrated, pissed off and sometimes I really hate the way my brain is. This vent has been brought to you by poor sleep and a headache that won't fuck off.

[snippetsofsydney]

Sister date! Can’t wait to watch Wicked with the baby sis. I feel this sister date is very much needed.

[snippetsofsydney]

Find the positives

I don't know if it's because of how my brain is wired, my life experiences, but I can be a cup half empty kinda girl. I don't mean to be, I just am and my brain likes to latch onto the negative and along come the intrusive thoughts to make life difficult because why the hell not? But you know what? Screw that. There's so much good in my life and I'm going to focus on that and all this negativity can take a long walk off a short pier. I'm even going to take the negative and turn it into a positive, example: the move was a shitshow, we moved into a filthy house with issues BUT we moved into our forever home, we have made the calls needed to get repairs done and we will be able to decorate and make this house truly ours and this is our home where Claire and I will become wives, Sunshine will blossom into an incredible and very sassy young woman.

Living with mental illness and being autistic can make things really difficult when it comes to being kind to myself and finding the good in life. Ok, mostly the mental illness because bipolar is a fuckwit that needs to go rot in the lowest depths of hell but I have done so much this year. I am autistic, I struggle with change and yet I've gone from being single to happily engaged, I'm a parent to two children (well, one child and a man child, he's 19 and doesn't live with us), I have moved house not once but twice this year and dealt with God knows how many social situations when I'm really not a social person at all. I think this year, I've actually kicked ass. I should be proud of myself for all of this and I am. Sometimes you have to toot your own horn and that's ok, that's not being egotistical or narcisstic, it's acknowledging your own accomplishments and you should.

I've also got so much to look forward to, little and big. Little things like having a sister date on Friday with Goldie to go see Wicked at the cinema and having a Mummy & Syd day next week with my mum which is something we haven't done in so long. Big things like, my first Christmas with the love of my life and our children.

I'm not saying that things are easy, there's a tonne of stress going on right now, I worry about health stuff with my family, I worry about money, I worry if I'm doing the right things as a parent and a partner, but I figure, this is all part of being an actual adult. I spent so long sheltered and cutout from the world and this is what life is like and that's more than ok. I will adapt and learn to cope with stress and share my worries with Claire because that's what we do, we communicate. New routines will be formed and I will even out because as an autistic human, I thrive on routines. A lot is up in the air because we have just moved but things will settle and I won't be so anxious and rawr all the time.

The point guys, is find the positives, they are there and you will learn so much about yourself in the process and realise that even in the face of all the negativity that you have so much to be thankful for and that there are so many blessings you don't even realise exist.

My name is Syd, I am human, feelings are messy and complicated, but I am learning and I will never give up on learning.

[snippetsofsydney]

This gif pretty much sums me up. To say that the last few weeks have been hard on me would be an understatement. I went more than two weeks without being able to decompress at all, then I wasn't able to decompress properly. We moved house and it turned into a nightmare. The Monday we moved, we should've been in at twelve but didn't get into the house until almost six o'clock because the woman we swapped houses with hadn't packed a damn thing! We finally got in to discover that since viewing the house, it had been trashed, things had been broken, including the bath taps and shower, the house was beyond filthy - I cleaned out dead maggots from the kitchen cabinets! Since we moved it has been nonstop people, like everyday there have been people at the house, that's two weeks of people every damn day. There are people in my life, that I would not choose to have in my life but are important to Claire so I get on with it, but some days it's so hard to keep my mouth shut when I just want to shout fuck off at them and punch them in the face. I'm drained. I'm a dead battery. I'm so done. I'm just...I'm fucking done.

[snippetsofsydney]

God give me strength!

[snippetsofsydney]

I am running on less than fumes right now. I can’t wait to have this damn house move out of the way. I miss streaming. I am fed up of the house being pure chaos. I’m so sick and tired of being tired. I hurt all over. Sensory overload and burnout just seem a permanent state right now.

This has been an unloading post brought to you by a tired Syd.

[snippetsofsydney]

Life is kicking my ass right now but finally nabbed a little time for Bailey Sarian and knitting. Still haven’t decided what this is going to be but eh.

[snippetsofsydney]

Hell of a week

If a gif could sum me up right now, Hades losing his shit and playing it cool is pretty damn accurate. The overwhelm and overload I'm experiencing right now has me all RAWR! But because my ass is full of the 'tism, I can't verbally explain any of this.

So, let's break the last few weeks down:

Life has been hectic, a lot of it has been good but it's also non-stop which can be detrimental to me. My love got the surgery she's waited over a year and a half for, this is good, the not so good part is that the after care was severely lacking which resulted in a post-op infection as well as a kidney infection (which the hospital knew of and said nothing about when they discharged her). It's taken 3 weeks to get the medication she was supposed to have been sent home from the hospital with. Yay. I'm thankful for the NHS, I really am, I would never be able to afford private health care but sometimes mistakes like this just make me wanna go bash sense into people.

I got scammed. AGAIN. Yep. This time they went the route of my phone provider and caused me stress like you wouldn't believe. I spent 2 hours on the phone trying to sort shit out. I had to go to my bank and get a new card (which I think is the third one this year, second due to fraudulent activity).

Trying to setup a joint bank account has been a fucking nightmare. Neither of us have a driving licence or passport. We've been advised to get citizen cards etc. which supposedly exist for people who have no ID - fun fact! You need photo ID in order to obtain a citizen card. There is no card out there you can get that's recognised by the banks that you can get without photographic ID.

Trying to sort out our benefits has been nothing short of a nightmare. Phone calls, meetings, people I don't know in places that aren't exactly sensory friendly and I'm beyond fried. To say I'm in burnout would be beyond stating the obvious but if things don't let up soon, I'll be in a full blown shut down.

I haven't been able to stream because I just haven't had the time or energy whilst looking after my family and home. Ordinarilly there are two of us taking care of everything but my girl is recovering from open surgery so it all falls to me and I wouldn't have it any other way because she needs to rest and recover but it's wearing me down and I feel like I'm failing. Then because my brain is the way it is I beat myself up because others can do all this and more piece of piss but then I'm not like them so I can't.

The orb in my vision is really pissing me off beyond believe. It's lowering my already limited useful eye power and does not help with the pain in my skull.

Speaking of the pain in my skull - 5 weeks of clusterfuck headaches. I'm so over this. I hope this attack finishes fucking soon cos there are some days where I'm thankful I live in the UK and not the US or I'd be out buying a weapon to eat to get rid of the pain in my head. Yes, it is that bad.

This one is good but also daunting cos I'm already in burnout and I've no idea how I'll manage it but I will. We're moving. We haven't got a date yet. Hopefully it'll be soon. We're doing a house swap and are waiting for the other tenant to have their house inspection so it can be signed off and approved. I'm looking forward to it. This will be our first home as a family that's entirely ours and we can decorate it from scratch. Our current home, I moved in. My girls were already here. The move puts us in a better position for our support network and schools (which is the main reason for moving as Sunshine goes high school next year).

There's more but I've lost steam. I'm hoping to write more over the next few days just to allow myself to process everything and hopefully come out of burnout. I've decided to abolish my stream schedule for the rest of the year. There's just too much happening right now to keep to a regular schedule. I'm just going to stream as and when I can because I miss chatting to my friends.

Sorry that this has been a moany post ladles and jellyspoons, but sometimes you just gotta let it all out. Hopefully I'll be better in a few days, right now I think most of this is the burnout talking because it's hitting hard right now.

TTFN!

[snippetsofsydney]

Unwell, can’t sleep, eyes won’t allow me to do much so I knit! No idea what I’m knitting as of right now, I’m kinda winging it and continuing from a failed project which I’ve moved onto circulars. I’m either gonna attempt to turn this into a baby sleeping sock thing for my soon to be born nephew or maybe into a bag/satchel of some sort. I don’t know right now, mostly it’s keeping me busy while I can’t sleep.

[snippetsofsydney]

Chronic clusterfuck

I'd love to be able to sit and write properly. I have so many thoughts and life stuff that I want to share with everyone but chronic headaches, chronic migraines and clusterheadaches (why have one ailment when you can have the trifecta?) have essentially rendered me useless. If that weren't enough, my autistic ass is so burntout that I've gotten sick with a really bad cold that's also having an impact on my asthma. Right now I just want to crawl under a rock and have a little hibernation so my body can recuperate from all the chronic bullshit I live with.

I do have some stuff lined up for when my head isn't trying to kill me so here's some of what you can look forward to:

cross stitch update

life update

my thought on Funko Fusion

games I plan on streaming for the rest of the year

potentially a health update regarding my sight loss/chronic clusterfuck of head pain

In the meantime, I hope everyone is well and I pray that I'll be back to streaming and posting semi-regularly on tumblr very soon.

[snippetsofsydney]

When your 10 year old asks if she can style your hair, despite the fact that you barely have any hair to style, you say yes! When said 10 year old reappears with a tiara and declares you look like a pretty princess, you wear it with pride and take a picture!

I’m still very much learning the ropes at this parenting thing, but I love when Sunshine actively seeks me out and we get to bond and share a laugh. I will make a post at some point about this wonderful girl that I’m blessed to have in my life but it’s a school night and I’m on the school run in the morning.

*It’s late and I can’t ask Sunshine for permission to post a picture of her online hence the sticker across her face.

[snippetsofsydney]

After being stuck on what to stitch for what feels like forever, I finally found myself a worthy project. A bookmark for my Stitch mad daughter. It’s going to take me a little while, I’m rusty and sight loss makes things like cross stitch that little bit harder but I can’t wait to surprise my sunshine with it.

[snippetsofsydney]

Hi, hello, hola, welcome! If you hadn't guessed by the name of my blog, my name is Sydney (though I mostly go by Syd). Some of you may already know me as spectrumofsyd or TheLittlestNerd. You may know me from instagram, tumblr (forgot login details hence new blog) or even Twitch, wherever you know me from, you may only know snippets of who I am and what my life is like so in all of my wisdom (which I'm sure I'll regret) I decided to create a space where all my snippets could collide. So, welcome to Snippets of Sydney!

I'd apologise and say I couldn't resist, but I'd be lying. The joke was there and I had to make it. So here's a brief run down (in bullet points cos my eye is tired and I'll expand on them at a later date) of what you can expect from me/about me (?):

I am a massive nerd and proud of it

I am a 38

I am disabled - visually impaired and autistic

I'm as queer as the day is long

My pronouns are she/her

I'm learning the ropes of being a parent to a beautiful 10 (almost 11) year old daughter

I am engaged to an incredible woman

I am a streamer with a very unpredictable schedule at times (find me on Twitch - thelittlestnerd )

I love creating in all it's forms

I knit

I cross stitch (my favourite thing to do when my eyes let me)

I am teaching myself how to draw

I swear a lot. It's just a part of my vocabularly

I love playing video games and do not believe that one sysyem reigns supreme

I love to write and I'm trying to get back into it on a regular basis

I abuse parenthes (which you might have noticed by now)

I'm diagnosed with a list of mental health obstacles

I never know what is going to come out of my mouth until the words have already left and it's too late to stop them

I love tattoos and have many of them

My fiancee and I are getting married next year

Money overwhelms me on a regular basis

We have 2 fur babies (dogs)

I love photography and was an avid photographer

I go through phases where I believe I can't do certain things because of my disabilities but always manage to make myself believe in myself again

This list is much longer than I expected so this is the last bullet point

Thank you for taking the time to read all of that. I hope that you'll find some of this enlightening and maybe you'll learn some things along the way with me.

Tata for now!