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[so-cio-pathetic]

I don’t know how to find happiness in anything right now. I have backed myself into such a corner. Everything I know, every thought I’ve had, every feeling I’ve felt seems like a big fucking lie.

[so-cio-pathetic]

I just don’t even know what to think or feel or do anymore. I’m looking at my life and it seems like a jumbled mess that I don’t know if I can sort through. I try to believe that everything happens the way it’s supposed to, but maybe I really am supposed to just off myself. Even feeling that way fills me with so much guilt and shame because I know my life is relatively good. I get to do a lot of things that most people don’t. I have a good amount of freedom. By all means I should be the happiest person, but I can’t shake this feeling of dread that I have carried with me for decades. Every little thing that happens is just a tally mark on the side of why I should go. It’s really starting to outnumber the reasons to stay.

Even thinking these things has me feeling so fucking weak. I have met people that have been through insurmountable traumas and they made it through and became even better. And here I am with the most minor of issues in the grand scheme of things, and I want to give up. I want to let go of everything I’ve built and everything I have just because I’m too goddamn weak to handle the life I have made for myself. I want to take the easy way out and I use it as a back up plan to hold me back from ever doing anything actually significant. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of trying. I swear to god I am one of the weakest humans on this earth and I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t know how to be better or make myself feel worth the effort. I just want to disappear.

[so-cio-pathetic]

I need to sit down and have a heart to heart with myself. What are my goals? What do I want? Who am I after all of these years, and is that who I want to be? Life really isn’t easy, but I do want to make mine worth it. It’s time to do better. Be better. Stop being so content and complacent. I want to bring fire back into my life and it really does start with figuring out what the hell I even want.

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I just don’t know what to do. I’ve never been in a situation like this. I am so sad.

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Fuck. I’m not even surprised at this point, this is how my life has always gone. The second I get comfortable the rug gets ripped right out from underneath me.

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I’m finally home. I’m laying in our bed with him asleep on my stomach. Another night in the home and the life we are building together. I’ll never stop feeling lucky and oh so grateful. I am happy.

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8 more days until our forever starts. I still feel like the luckiest girl in the world. I love you more than words can even begin to describe ❤️

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15 more weeks in California and then I’m leaving home for good. It’s sad, and scary, and exciting. Our life is starting but I can’t help but feel like I’m leaving this one behind. It’ll be good.

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I still can’t believe how I got so lucky. I never believed I deserved a love this good. Someone who cares about me and prioritizes our relationship like he does. I love him more than anything I’ve ever loved before and I am so incredibly grateful for the man he is. Our relationship truly does feel so special, but it isn’t for a lack of effort. We both work to be the best versions of ourselves for each other. We aren’t perfect by any means, but we both love fiercely and that’s all I can ask for. I can’t wait to spend every day with him. To build a home. Build a family. He is everything I’ve ever wanted and more than I thought I needed. I have my person and I’m never letting go.

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It makes me so happy to see him happy. He found the girl I always hoped he would. The sweet, good, Christian girl. I’ll always feel bad about the way I ended things but I am so glad I did. We both found our happiness in the right people. I will always wish him nothing but the best. He is a great person. We are living proof that you can’t force love. You can’t start a fire without the spark. Two people can be good and kind and want to work, but it doesn’t mean they will.

It breaks my heart that his illness is taking a toll on him. But I’m so glad he found a good woman who will hopefully stick around and support him through it all. He deserves all of that happiness.

[so-cio-pathetic]

God I love my best friend so much. Just so much joy ❤️

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We went ring shopping today and holy shit when I looked at myself in the mirror with that ring on my hand I felt a lot of things. It’s wild to think that I am so in love and so excited to be married to this man. Just one step closer to forever and I couldn’t be happier.

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He’s sending me houses he wants to buy for us, I’m sending him engagement rings I like. Who am I? And who knew I could be this happy??

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[so-cio-pathetic]

“Before you find your soul mate, you must first discover your soul.”

— Charles Glassman

[so-cio-pathetic]

[so-cio-pathetic]

Find you a man that goes out and gets drunk and still calls you from the bar to tell you how much he loves you and plans on marrying you 🥺❤️