sondeleau-blog

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On a tiny reading grind with books that fuck me up at least a little bit.

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The argument of "I've never had a negative encounter with a trans person" doesn't help the fight against fascism the way you might want it to.

Yea, statistically most people have not had negative encounters with a trans person.

But some people definitely have. Because trans people are people.

And some people are assholes.

But even if some people are legitimately fearful of trans people it doesn't mean we prosecute a community and hobble them with draconian laws.

If that were the system we had and it ran successfully then I would have some legislative suggestions about how we police ✨️men✨️

But gender is a protected class, ya'll.

And we can't raise legislation against a class because we have had negative encounters and that should not be a basis of argument.

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'Under Monet's Pond' by Eiko Jones

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My potatoes are ✨️lush✨️

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The collection of children's doodles in the attendance office.

It makes me feel slightly less upset, generally, when I have to go down there.

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Finished.

Took me like 1 hour but I yapped the whole time so who knows.

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My WIP from between sessions today.

Sometimes I process stuff with my clients by turning them into birds.

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Views from Suomenlinna at summer

Helsinki, Finland, 1965

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My day was odd.

I was driving to a friend's house to watch her dogs and got a flat on the way. I tried to switch to the spare but the nuts wouldn't budge no matter how hard i tried.

So I called someone to come and either change it for me or tow me to this weird, used tire shop where they said they could replace it for me - they were the only close place open on a sunday.

Said it would take them over an hour to get to me soo I used that time to walk to mile to my friend's house to let her dogs out, give them water, then walk back before he made it there.

There were so many dogwood trees and petals falling everywhere. A nice note on my walks.

As i watched the workers switch out my old tire I just leaned against the wall and kicked around bits of rubber. They got me a deal of like $40 for a tire that would carry me over.

Then I I finally got back to the dogs.

Decided i needed Columbian food and soursop juice that i could eat as it started to drizzle.

So.

Happy Sunday, in guess.

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I want everyone to Google Rod Blagojevich. (Or any of the SEVENTY-ONE politicians Illinois has jailed. 4 out of our last 11 governors have gone to prison, ya'll)

Because we definitely have put our criminal leaders in prison. And Rod was a democrat, just to get that out of the way.

But here's the thing - in order for that to happen there has to be *someone* willing to be a target for public ire once these things start winding up. Because Patrick Fitzgerald was dragged and dragged hard to get an investigation and conviction. Then Trump just pardoned Rod after 8 years in prison.

Fighting against corruption/tyranny/fascism means getting pretty uncomfortable and being mighty unsafe. And, reasonably, the disenfranchised do not have the energy/power to individually or collectively achieve our goals. Doesn't mean don't try. Please do all the things you feel you can do.

What we need is a rich dude to simp for us. Like, I'm not kidding. Someone in power needs to be willing to actually wield it, not just hold it.

Luigi Mangione is not a left wing savior (though I do praise his pivot and creative decisions) because that guy was definitely pro-cop and pro-capitalism and only became somewhat radicalized when he was directly impacted by sonething he could not control. He snapped and planned a very targeted response. And that needs to be recognized and continually discussed.

But he has capital and will continue to in different ways.

We have voices and they need to be loud. But we need someone with a position they're ready to use.

I don't have suggestions or advice.

Just observations.

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I think there are certain types of people that find romanticism within the midwest.

They aren't inherently wrong, the sound of cicadas is grating to some but even to me it is a comfort.

A strange balm in my soul.

Fireflies,

Or are they lightning bugs?

Scattered across yards in the middle of July.

The smell after a storm passes.

The tornado didn't hit us,

It carved around our town.

At least this time.

Knowing why we call them the finger of God.

How beautiful a single oak tree standing almost defiantly in the center of a soybean field can look as you creep down the highway.

But some people only see those pieces.

They exist outside of clusters of poverty - those struggling under the harsh sun that beats down as it sprawls out across the heartland.

They move between Chicago and Davenport, seeing the fields as vessel of grit and hardworking tenacity without seeing the desperation that paints it.

"We've always done this."

We've always done a lot of things.

We've always had to do a lot of things.

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Did I mention i like to draw birds?

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I often feel like my body isn't mine.

There are things i want it to do that it simply doesn't.

I don't mean in a dysphoric way or frustration with disabilities way.

It's in a way that difficult to put words to.

I think its why I started jiu-jitsu and am so afraid of pregnancy. Why I do yoga and lift heavy weights. Why I probably paint birds until I run out of paper.

Its the fear of my body not being my own in a very complicated way.

It feels like it malfunctions.

I'm not sure how else to process it.

Is mastery over your own body achievable?

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Fridays are my "slow days"

The days I work out of the clinic rather than in the community. Basically, it just means it's harder for patients to find me, but I'm not inaccessible.

(The children just text me)

There's a catch-22 to my clinic days. I definitely have more space to breathe and get necessary paperwork done.

The way i hate faxing.

But something always happens - there's always something happening - when I'm not around. It's unavoidable and certainly not anything I can realistically respond to.

But on Mondays when I'm back in my normal spots all the teens amble over to catch me up and I always feel a bit guilty I wasn't there.

(I know it's irrational)

"Miss, I know you're not here on Fridays but I do always look for you."

Girl, I know.

My penance is making sure the other 4 days got you covered and make sure you're connecting to other community resources. I'm not the only game in town and the gatekeeping is ridiculous.

The healthcare system is patchwork.

It's not sustainable.

It's threadbare.

And those seams ain't holding up.

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