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Sonic: I eat cheerios because they’re heart healthy. Sonic: And my heart has been severely damaged, so Shadow, if you’re out there—

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Surge: I’m gonna kill you. Sonic: Get in line!

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Surge before Eggman's arrest: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

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Surge: Hello friends! The Bad Guys: Surge: You might be wondering why I’m taped to the ceiling

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Surge: You've got to act tough, Kit! Show 'em you can't be pushed around! Show 'em they can't mess with you! Kit: Right. Yes. Tough. Got it. Kit, standing up on his stool and slamming his hands down on the bar: I'LL TAKE A CHOCOLATE MILK.

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I stumbled upon an IDW Sonic "criticism" on Discord and it just made me and my friends in our little AU server remember that Bad Guys Sonic is literally just a coalescence of all of the internet's worst bad faith takes on Ian Flynn's writing and IDW Sonic's characterization.

The people who genuinely can't fathom why he doesn't just kill all his enemies.

The people who call him a worse manipulator than Starline.

The people who wish he was Mimic in disguise.

THE PEOPLE WHO SAY HE'S IN LOVE WITH EGGMAN.

The people clogging up the "Ian Flynn" tag with toxic sludge.

Bad Guys Sonic... is their way of thinking. He is them.

Their sheer hatred and beef gave rise to an AU version of Sonic imbued with all of their backwards beliefs. An AU version of Sonic who all their hater headcanons are canon to. An AU version of Sonic who unironically defended Mimic, mentally collapsed, went to war with the Diamond Cutters, and became a criminal mastermind.

That's what he is.

That's him.

That's them.

That's what they look like.

That's what they sound like.

That's the stinky man.

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Hey Surge, do you want this PS2 EyeToy my body spontaneously generated while I was trying to text my crush?

"What the heck is an EyeToy?"

"A webcam," Kit casually explained. "All the games made for it are just minigame collections where you do things onscreen - nothing that ambitious. It also makes a good impromptu security camera."

"Eh, doesn't sound like something I'd be particularly interested in," Surge replied.

"It also hosted the first game in the Sega Superstars series."

"Hmm..."

The tenrec suddenly flashed a trollish grin.

"Lemme check something. Pretty sure Pinky has an old TV somewhere..."

-

TEN MINUTES LATER...

"AAAAAAAAAHAHAHA!," Surge cackled before Amy's TV, watching Sonic run through the tunnel wherever her arms pointed, deliberately missing rings and/or Chaos Emeralds. "WHO'S THE PAWN NOW? WHO'S THE PUPPET NOW, YOU SILLY HAND-FOLLOWER? HUH? WHATCHU GONNA DO 'BOUT IT?! NOTHING! YA CAN'T! GET DUNKED ON!"

Kit and Amy watched in terror as Surge developed a power high over the retro game."

"Maybe it's a good thing Sonic games were banned in our universe due to him being a criminal..." Amy admitted.

Kit twiddled his thumbs as his sister wildly celebrated her new low score.

"And a good thing I didn't tell her about the Chao Garden mode, huh?"

(Note: you made me look up what the EyeToy was and watch a Scott the Woz video on it just to make me figure out how I was even going to respond to this question.)

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Duo: Can you PLEASE peer pressure me into doing my project? Rough: Do it or you're straight. Duo: I said peer pressure, NOT THREATEN!

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Metal, to Surge: Of Course You Have Blood All Over You, And Pronouns

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Surge: Are we going too far? Kit: No, no, no. We went too far about 7 hours ago. Now we're going to prison.

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Amy: So, Rough and Tumble. Amy: According to this, you two are being accused of: Armed Robbery, Vandalism, Drug Abuse, Grand Theft Auto… Rough: We had a bad day. Amy: And… MURDER?! Tumble: It was a pretty bad day…

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It's literally the Sonic Bad Guys and the Dreamworks Bad Guys talking in the white void

Take a look, everyone! Silly side story time!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/66206764

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Screw it, nobody pays attention to this blog anyway, so you can now ask Belle questions!

(They're in the role of Tiffany the reporter, remember?)

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Sorry to make everything about our AU

But there is a man out there, according to Ian Flynn himself in a Valentine's Day Q&A, who looks at this and goes "guyyyyyyyyyyys I think he's the one"

And I fully intend to make him canon to Bad Guys

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As an addendum (RBing from Logan so it sees I posted this to Tumblr)...

It's ironic that after the Restoration Civil War, Bad Guys Kit just went along with Surge deciding "No, we can't and won't be heroes, the world will only ever see us as Evil Sonic and Tails, and Chaos damn it, we'll have fun with that!"

And yet that ironically made him happier, more independent, and more redeemable than making "cool and flashy" problems for Surge to solve in canon, because it at least made sure they'd stay loyal to each other.

Having not caught up on IDW since 75, I think that if pre-Amy Bad Guys Surge were to meet current canon Surge, she'd be like "Nice try."

I mean, she believes she's only ever going to be seen as Evil Sonic by the world, so... this version of her honestly thinks she can play Miles Gloriosus and the "dumb NPCs" will praise her? They're just going to keep saying she's not as good at hero-ing as Sonic, and heck, she's basically just doing what Starline originally planned for her to do, so why bother with any of it?

From her older self's point of view, she'd be happier and more independent if she just embraced being a scary villain.

Bad Guys Kit on the other hand would watch one of their counterparts' staged rescues and just openly say "So are we going to talk about how 'I' was the one who made that dam collapse in the first place?"

And then leave through the wormhole that brought them there together, fist-bumping his sister, as their canon selves' relationship violently shattered behind them.

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Ok but fr, what’s been the hardest for you guys to adapt to after turning good?

“Really,” Surge admitted, “it’d have to be accepting that we’re wanted. Probably not by the whole world yet, but at least by our home turf Central City and by the places we visited in the Spread the Goodness rallies. For the longest time, I was absolutely convinced that I would only ever live in Sonic’s shadow and that it wasn’t worth trying to be my own person. Even after redemption, it took going Super and being reassured by the city for it to really sink in that people cared about me and my family.”

“Another issue is kind of… fitting in with the good guys?,” said Kit. “Many of them are just as kind and forgiving as we gave them flak for in the past, but as Whisper’s little plot reminded us, a lot of them were badly upset by things we did. We try our best not to stick out, but that can be hard while we’re still learning. Doesn’t help that some of them feel like or literally are entirely different people now that Sonic is gone…”

“We still sometimes struggle to get people out of town to trust us,” Tumble admitted. “Sometimes it makes us feel a bit like our redemption didn’t matter.”

“It’s not as bad as it was for those other Bad Guys, but still,” Rough added, recalling a certain stint in the White Void that I have yet to finish writing and post. (Hiiiiii!)

“I, as the most criminal of the Bad Guys,” said Duo, “personally have yet to even fully trust myself, owing to those nightmares about faceless Slinger. Really, since I decided to take this whole Duo thing seriously, I’ve had to tear myself away from my ‘EvErYoNe’S wEaRiNg A mAsK’ ideology.”

“But Even In Spite Of These Struggles” Metal concluded, “We Can Always Come Back To Central City To Talk It Out With Amy And Feel Like We Fit In At Least A Little: And That’s The Important Thing Right?”

“Yeah…” everyone sighed…

… as did Amy, who was eavesdropping from around the corner.

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Hey Bad Guys, if evil, why pretty?

"Good Or Evil, Girls Pretty" Surge, Amy and Metal all replied at once without thinking, leading to much blushing and looking away from each other.

"Toxic men hot," Duo grinned, thinking of his still-unwritten husband-to-be.

"One b-boy kinda cute..." Kit admitted.

"Miss us with that shit," Rough said flatly.

"Us bros don't need partners," Tumble agreed. "We've got family."