sordid-joe

[sordid-joe]

Some words to use when writing things:

winking

clenching

pulsing

fluttering

contracting

twitching

sucking

quivering

pulsating

throbbing

beating

thumping

thudding

pounding

humming

palpitate

vibrate

grinding

crushing

hammering

lashing

knocking

driving

thrusting

pushing

force

injecting

filling

dilate

stretching

lingering

expanding

bouncing

reaming

elongate

enlarge

unfolding

yielding

sternly

firmly

tightly 

harshly

thoroughly

consistently

precision

accuracy

carefully

demanding

strictly

restriction

meticulously

scrupulously

rigorously

rim

edge

lip

circle

band

encircling

enclosing

surrounding

piercing

curl

lock

twist

coil

spiral

whorl

dip

wet

soak

madly

wildly

noisily

rowdily

rambunctiously

decadent

degenerate

immoral

indulgent

accept

take

invite

nook

indentation

niche

depression

indent

depress

delay

tossing

writhing

flailing

squirming

rolling

wriggling

wiggling

thrashing

struggling

grappling

striving

straining

[sordid-joe]

End of a phase - 26 July 2015

In as much as Gloria and I are concerned it’s a closed chapter. She insisted I forget everything and I agree with her. Hanging on to things of the past is no use; it amounts to nothing. But she was the one that loved me the most. My naivety and pride prevented me from realizing this and it was too late when I finally came to my senses. By then - now - she had found someone who ‘cares for and respects’ her in ways that I never could. I hope they make each other happy.

As for me and my relations, those are still to be formed. I will engross myself in the pursuit of knowledge and in time all things will assume there true meanings.

I guess I had a lot of people around me back then who perhaps knew me and could have loved me for who I was but then I had my mind set on coming here and starting my life that I barely took notice. And now that I am here and have been here for the greater part of the last two years, nothing out of the ordinary has happened; I am still alone. The attention that the circles I am within seems to attract is focused on Alex and not I. My fear of not being seen as ‘the one’ certainly prevents me from doing much of substance, and destitution waits for me at the end of this path. There is no time to seek worshippers. Nobody really cares. Complete these studies, get a job, see if you’ll make anything out of yourself. That’s the mantra.  In the meanwhile work on expanding your vocabulary. Its not about gaining influence of whatever, everything will come together towards the end. 

Not many friends because people’s company makes me feel some uncomfortable. Find it difficult to open because I feel like I’m below class. Anyway, enough about this.

[sordid-joe]

Waking Up - 25 July 2015

Woke up at the usual time. Mother is not in the house; she probably went grocery shopping.

On Monday I go to college. My college isn’t all that good. It’s full of hood rats and wannabes. It doesn’t even have a good library.

A change in the routine is needed. Wake up at four am, do push-ups, shower, dress up, be at the train station before 5;30. I’ll spend two more hours sitting in the train. I will probably write often in there and catch up on some reading as well.

College. I am reaching the end. Besides getting a job like everyone else there isn’t much of a plan. If possible I’d like to save some money for the first few years and then go study English Literature somewhere.

I could actually have done that a long while ago but I only told them what I thought they wanted to hear and not what I wanted. Its the curse of being black in a black country. It’s not really about what you want for your self, it’s about everybody’s collective good. That’s how you make choices down here. I should have put myself first. I never get what I want because I am always trying to please others. Most of them miss the point anyway.

I guess I think too much act very little. My energy dilapidates as soon as I open my eyes. I look forward to nothing and nothing amazes me. I am running out of time. The ability to do things is time. 

I do not trust my own abilities. I tend to doubt myself a lot and most of the time I get nothing done. But I have high hopes for myself and tend to stand on higher moral ground than my peers. Yet I also have things I do in the cover of night. I’m kind of a hypocrite. If I continue in this path I will amount to nothing; I will perish young and will never be remembered.

It’s the future that terrifies me, the concept of an endless continuation of days that is propelled by past happenings and present aspirations. Irking to be some kind of rebel; to find glory in some kind of sophisticated fuckery, a misunderstood genius. But at who’s life’s risk? Mine. Getting involved in this is no different from banishing myself into some kind of destitution, forever. I don’t think that’s worth the loss. I don’t know if it’s actually worth anything at all. But it’s a rat race. You see it everywhere; how long will it take to become significant in such a setting? Is significance the only thing there is to look forward to as well?  Will it take a shorter time if I do not live by the rules and make mine as I go along? Somewhere down the line I must have got a bit messed up. It’s all that existential hogwash we’ve been throwing down our throats without much thought. 

Soon I will have to make a choice but right now it already feels as if the choice has already been made. It has to be revoked and a new one made in its place.

[sordid-joe]

The Itch that wants to be scratched - 22 July 2015

The matter was discussed impromptly. The issue was a hilarity. This understanding will remain pending a change in the situation. 

Day Two, the thoughts persist. I can feel the itch wanting to be scratched. I can feel it, call it the irritation. I feel like rubbing and getting it over with, but I shouldn’t. 

Family Guy is a distraction. For the past five weeks and some days nothing has been done. The sicknesses overcome each other in sucessions and the attitude is generally that of indignation and some kind of resentment. A text has been sent which confirms that the other parties are getting indignant as well. I feel sorry but I can’t help it; my youth is wasting away.

‘The spook that sat by the door’, as if anyone still reads books anymore. Perhaps thats what made it more intersting.

A few personal discs were erased and thrown in the trash. Two joints were smoked. A video was made for posterity.

In a few days semester four begins. Apathy at its critical.

It is a mental condition that will dwindle the less attention is paid to it. It needs mental strength to overcome. If continued, it has dare future consequences that I am not prepared to discuss here. I am sure you’re well aware of these.

Mxit was invaluable in providing poor internet companions for the past two weeks. They have since been deleted and focus has been shifted to actual events. 

The vitality of passion is underestimated. I am concerned for my lack of it. I feel zombified. Perhaps the ---- and the ---- have dulled my senses. I’m bored.

[sordid-joe]

right now i'm in the mood for hurling shit on some statues.

[sordid-joe]

21 July 2015 - Alex’s Matric Results

I find the results situation somehow alarming. I feel it was done in haste and not much thought was put behind it. I understand the need to impress and present a picture of intelligence. I also feel that more important matters have been overlooked due to the pressure of the said situation. Matters such as the discreet nature of one’s results and confidential manner in which it should be handled. I feel as if one should not have rushed into pleasing the PSs without having consulted, or at least give more precedence to, one’s family first. It’s the house negro complex at play, and this is making me question the validity of all the previously held discussions and conclusions on the matter. I sense an inferiority complex as well, although somehow vague and feeble in its approach. (This is the stage, however, at which one is most vulnerable).

I do see how they could be interprated as another vice of this debacle of an existance, however I feel that such a way of seeing things deems one a surbodinate to, likely to remain on the receiving end of, such a weak mentality. Such an action casts doubt on one’s ability to fend for himself; if not now, then later in life when fending for oneself becomes necesary. In this context I have little conviction against the conclusion that one is indeed pursuing a house negro plane of reasoning

Further, these actions have caused the matter of my results to be dragged into the spotlight as well, with the PSs going as far as asking for mine as well. I have perfomed rather poorly in comparison to Alex this last semester, and utter refusal to show (the results) would have given hint to my reasoning and put me in some sort of bitter light. At this moment I cannot afford to be linked directly to my thoughts. It is premature and might lead to an early demise. Bear in mnd that they paid my tuition in the recent past.

The spirit of self must never be bought or sold. Self must never be broken. Self is important. To think for oneself, and consequently make decisions, should never be seen as possible vaults of entrance into one’s mind. Self should be utterly preserved. However, I am in serious doubt of this with regards to Alex.

At this moment I am not quite sure whether to bring the matter into discussion or not, you know; try to come to an establishment of reasons for the hasty decision. I will, however, continue my observation and remain in character until the discussion deam themselves naturally necessary.

[sordid-joe]

18 July 2015 - Getting Political

Guerilla Warfare in Algeria

Guerilla Warfare in the Philippines

Guerilla Warfare against the Malayan communists

Tactics of the Viet Cong

Theories of Mao Tse-Tung

Communism as a subject of extreme interest. Could be applied to the African situation. Africanised/made to be useful in the African context.

To be discreet, and just as non-indifferent as to not appear aloof.

[sordid-joe]

16 July 2015 - Misconceptions about Women.

It is in the interest of the nation. It is the ‘political violence’ rocking your cities.

Women will be enticed by anything that appeals to their nymphomaniac sexual appetites. It takes no speciality on the part of the man to be crudely accepted into their cliques; all he has to do is to exude some kind of sexual perversity and he will be graciously initiated. Women do not recognise intellectual prowess because they lack it themselves, because it does not trigger any sexaul curiosities.

Intellectualism baffles and confuses womenfolk, they term it an unattractive quality in men. Those of us who aspire to nothing other than exploring what’s inside their skirts will agree unquestioningly to these assertions, and might even go as far as denying their own academic prowess so as to not appear as non-attached or indifferent.

[sordid-joe]

15 June 2015 - Paranoia

All of humanity is trapped in the New World Order. They say world wars were fought to promote its fruition. 

[sordid-joe]

14 July 2015 - Becoming a Patriot / Thoughts after reading ‘Dinner with Mugabe’

Ndabaningi Sithole - African Nationalism

‘Dinner with Mugabe’ is a seriously sensationalised piece of white-washed junk journalism that seeks to present Robert Mugabe as an emotionally vulnerable and immature intellectual who, albeit better outcomes, morphed into a anti-West monster with the progress of his tenure, first as Premier and then as President of the beloved sovereign Republic of Zimbabwe. The story is told through a series of interviews held by the author with close associates and family of the President.

It seeks to appeal to non-black empathies. It’s agenda is to demonise the post-Labor party policies adopted by Robert Mugabe to authenticate the sovereignty of the nation, while it sweeps beneath the carpet the racist and ulterior motives of the ousted Rhodesians and their allies. It portrays his intellect and soft spoken nature as vices that have alienated him from the rest of the society which he presides over, turning him into a paranoid tyrant who liquidates all perceived threats to the integrity of the nation in general and his rule in particular.

No self-respecting African Nationalist should adhere to the rampantly ill and falsely innocuous assertions that fill the pages of this crookedly written abomination of journalism. It is nothing but an attempt at white justification while it trivialises white arrogance and it’s imperialistic tendencies.

- Peter Hain

- Claire Short

[sordid-joe]

22 June 2016 - Parallel Realities

Work on ‘Parallel Realities’ has been finished. The working title is ‘Parallel Realities - The Interceptor’. The collection will be titled ‘The Sad Effects’, and it will include Grandmother’s Money, The Silent Ones and other apprentice pieces.

The story is a kaleidoscope of random prose and piece of conversations snatched from my thoughts and surroundings. It depicts the mindset of a drug hardened immigrant musician named Todd. 

I wrote it in order to dispel certain thought out of my head. It’s these thoughts that make up the story. I am glad it is finished and now I can rest. I will leave the critical analysis to the appropriately qualified. I can’t make much sense of the story myself to be honest. I am glad however that now I can shelf it and start working on other things. The psychedelic experiences are coming to an end. 

[sordid-joe]

19 June 2015 - Occupied by Other Things

It’s not neglect. I have been occupied by other things.

I am going to Joburg next week.

We shall have more to talk about.

[sordid-joe]

3 June 2015 - Random Thoughts

- (A) remix(es) of Thomas Mapfumo’s classic Chimurenga albums. Sibot should rework ‘Vanhu Vatema’. The Chimurenga Album in it’s entirety should be redone by Spoek Mathambo and that Venda nigger Nozinja. 

[sordid-joe]

1 June 2015 - In Malmesbury again / Mother’s anger.

One more exam to go and then that’s it. I’ve been in Malmesbury since Saturday.

I’m bored of this place. Nothing ever happens here. Things are just as they were on the day I arrived. If it continues like this I’ll have to find an alternative. I cant be in this space for far much longer.

Mother, after I’d asked her why she does not mark her own registers and do her own academic work, bearing in mind that Alex and I have our own work to attend to and besides we need to be left to our own devices, we need to be allowed to find our own niches, went on a rant about having spent her whole life ‘looking after’ us, that she neglects her own mother in order to see to our needs, that we lack appreciation, and then if we keep pushing her towards the edge like this then she will kill herself.

I can’t leave like this. It’s not our fault that we had to leave Proffit and his garage. Things weren't working out over there. I had no idea that she had been harboring  these kind of thought all this time, waiting to explode. We barely looked at each other for the past two days or so. It’s hard for me to appear oblivious to what she said. I can’t. I think about it in my silence. She wants to die then come back and haunt me. For what? I don’t understand. I’m beginning to think that maybe I remind her of father so, so much that she basically sees him when she looks at me. Now what can I do about that? I can’t remain in his shadows forever. Plus i’m 21 years old, I can’t be in hers either. So in the event that she promises to take her life again, no matter the reason, I am calmly going to ask to leave and go away. In the meanwhile I am going to try and find a place I could crash at or something. I’ll ask Willias on Wednesday about that place in Mfuleni, or Cyan, if I could stay at hers for a while and to some work for her in return. I just want ti be away. I don’t want to be around my mother any more. The relationship is toxic to both of us. The sad part is that there isn't anything much I can do about it.

If I am cursed then please take this curse away from me. I dont like the tings happening in my life. The things that she says to me are hurtful. When she talks about wanting to kill herself and such things I get afraid. What if she does it? What will happen to Alex and I? What will I do? Is it any of my fault that her marriage failed? She thinks she’s failed on life completely. There are things that are within my control. Other things I can’t do much about.

[sordid-joe]

21 May 2015 - Missing the train while getting a cigarette.

Missed the train while I was getting a cigarette from the shop. Must remember to buy some before hand or in town at least. I thought the train will arrive later than usual.  Now I have to wait for it for another hour.

I’m in the ‘lounge’ revising Fermentation Technology. 

[sordid-joe]

20 May 2015 - Negotiating Marks on Campus

I’m on campus going through my semester marks for Microbial Biology II. Some of my columns are blank - no marks recorded.  I didn’t submit of these assignments, but some of the ones i did submit are not recorded as well. Like those two on Organic Acids or whatever. Was that a group assignment? I am waiting for him to finish speaking so that I can make queries. We’ll see what happens. I’ll probably have to submit the assignment on Enzyme models late.

I’m a little distraught. I need these marks.

I’m feeling like they are all going to accuse me of incompetence or something like that. I’m just counting on the lecturer being from Zimbabwe too. How low of me right, to have sunk to that.

The group work has been sorted. I have been pardoned and awarded the marks by the other ‘members’ of my group. I showed my appreciation. I still have to make my own queries.

Everything went well. I need to re-do the Lac Operon assignment and submit a hardcopy to him. I’m to do the same with the enzyme models. We didn’t have to use Shona. He kept replying in English all the time. I found that funny.

On the train again. Had a Facebook chat with Kwezi, asked him for a board and suit for anytime between tomorrow and Friday next week. Said I should come down to the Berg on Friday, he’ll give them to me. 

Took down a few movies off the net, and some psyche and B.B King. Have a mild headache. 

[sordid-joe]

Bantu Biko - Iqhawe