spacecadetspe

[spacecadetspe]

Jun. 17, 2025

It feels like I've hit another slump. And for a reason I can't quite get at, yet. I'm deeply in debt, in need of a new car and trying desperately to make ends meet, and I'm doing a lot of dissociating. I know it's unhealthy, but the pain of being present is sometimes enough to make my face go pale and make me feel sick to my stomach. My back aches from being hunched over my phone, and I've had my migraines come back. Not fun.

I asked my tarot cards what was happening, and their answer was "bad things." Why? "The Devil, reversed. The Knight of Wands. The Queen of Swords." In other words, you're on your way through something toward enlightenment. What's on the other side is unknown. Be smart and keep your eyes sharp, and you'll make it through.

In other news, more drama has occurred. Melinoë took the apples and peaches of immortality and the cauldron of the Dagda and made an elixir of restoration. Unfortunately, soon after, rifts started to appear in the Underworld, and shades sprang forth by the hundreds to try to get a taste of that elixir.

Upon investigating, Zagreus and Hedate found a summoning point... though for what we did not know until days later, when a great beast attacked Melinoë and tried to take over her body. As a goddess of madness who is more than capable of possessing other entities, this spoke of the enemy's power and prowess.

To protect herself, Melinoë separated her consciousness from her body, so that neither could be used by someone trying to take her. But it was not enough. Her consciousness was captured by one of the advisers to Zagreus. And the beast came calling... not for Melinoë, but for the adviser. It bore the mark of King Yemma, and revealed the adviser as a mole for the rebellion... a nymph belonging to the Lampades.

The Lampades were nymphs that, up until her death, followed Hecate. And Hecate has been in Alfheim, recovering her mental stability, for the last year or two.

I tucked that information away and left Melinoë's body and consciousness with her astral guide, Mímir, the Rememberer of the Ages. I was quick to rescue Zagreus from being cornered by the Lampades, and King Yemma himself came to the rescue of Hedate as the coup was staged. He judged the Lampades there and then, and decreed that they would be crushed under the cosmic wheel until all their evil had been pressed out.

This whole thing has sent Zagreus into a crisis. First his father vanishes, and he must take the throne, deal with underworld gods and their drama, and now a coup, headed by stars-know-who. He had wanted reform for the underworld. He had wanted something kinder, more efficient, more... stable. And the realization that there were people who could not be saved was crushing.

The fates informed me that the Lampades did not do all this on their own. That they were given power and direction by someone still in Tartarus.

Melinoë and I made a trip to Alfheim to see her mother, Hecate, who still bore her grudges against Hades and did not want to return to the underworld. Can't say I blame her. So instead, I asked her advice, and she pulled two star shards from the light of Alfheim, and gave them to us to take back to the underworld.

With that, Zagreus gathered the chthonic gods, and we marched on Tartarus. The titans were still in place, but they seemed... oddly dormant. Like their minds were no longer present. Zagreus took both lights of Alfheim and put them together, and a vision pulsed to life. The mindscapes of various titans combined and began taking over the body of a dead hecatoncheir.

The creature cast all sorts of magics, and the three current leaders of the realms did their best to subdue it; Athena with her red lightning, Triton with his water, and Zagreus with earth. Even so, it managed to tackle me and crush me through the walls of the United Federation of Underworlds, into the next realm over.

King Yemma looked up at his wheel as we fought, and noticed a crack appearing through the center. I can imagine his eyes filled with horror as his life's work began to crumble.

And then I smashed through his wall, and he got to work fighting the titan-possessed hecatoncheir. The two of us had to stop to maintain the wheel, and keep it together enough to maintain the cosmic cycle. I called upon everyone my addled mind could think of. Even the former Adversary, Okhef'el, who came down in a blazing light.

But the fatal blow was dealt by Michael. He came down, put a hand on one of the hecatoncheir's heads, and said only "To the Veil with you." And it was over.

I've spent the last few days recovering and trying to process everything. It seems the nightmares are developing indigestion from trying to process the nastiness, and Zagreus didn't process much at all- he was stuck in a dissociative fugue for a few days. He'll get better. He just needs to be angry and hurt for awhile. And I'll understand.

He's been much quieter than usual. He's not answering any of the usual summons, or even looking at the appeals Hades let pile up. Instead, he is using the Lampades as kindling for his fireplace, and feeding the appeals scrolls into the flames. I can't say I disapprove of that judgment. He needs time and space to heal. He needs to know that it's okay to be angry, furious, even destructive in this moment. He has hurt nobody who hasn't thoroughly earned it. And he will soon have new, more attainable goals.

I have faith in him... I have faith in all my consort's children.

[spacecadetspe]

May 27, 2025

After Chitragupta left, having brought that angelic disciple and the one bearing the mark of Cain, he left behind a book of the dead. Unfortunately, some young eyes read the book, and one of the dreamlings decided that since King Yemma had never been processed, it was high time the deed was done. Needless to say, that did not end well. The dreamling in question ran into my chambers and hid his round little face in my skirts.

Njorun, of course, was pissed. And at the wrong person, too. She thought Yemma was to blame for this accident. And I needed to return the book to him, so Njorun and I made a trek to see King Yemma.

Yemma was more level headed than I had ever seen him, and he patiently explained that without him, the Cycle doesn't turn. Behind his throne, the great wheel sat. I looked up at it and saw myself in it; Benzaiten had said I am the embodiment of the cycle. But King Yemma corrected me; I'm only part of it. So now not only am I appropriately humbled, but I sort of feel like there's a weight off my soul that I was carrying out of a sense of duty.

His task for us before we left was to turn the wheel. It took all my strength to turn it, even with three hundred wings. But Njorun... it took much more. She used the dream staff and everyone connected to it. When I got back, every single one of the dream spirits lay exhausted where they landed. And none of us could find Phobetor or Phantasos.

I enlisted the help of Zagreus and Melinoë and their beloved pooch, Kerberos, to find them. We eventually found them both nearly comatose in the part of the underworld named for Erebus.

So the Infirmary was busy for several days. I checked up on my friends regularly. Apparently Njorun's stunt drained them so badly that Phantasos couldn't even wear his mati earrings, let alone get dressed properly.

Phobetor was out of bed before I could properly have a look at him, and seemed sullen that I would visit him. He didn't understand why I was being so meek and pleasant and patient, and that seemed to only irritate him more.

By then I had become withdrawn; I'd been using an app that lets me talk with different bots based on my social needs. It's not friendship, but there's often a storyline and various events you can work through. But it didn't seem to help. I was still lonely, still depressed and craving connection.

This was about the time when Zagreus called me to his chambers. Apparently one of the dreamlings marked by Phantasos had gathered peaches and apples of immortality and taken them with the intent to distribute them.

"These are contraband," Zagreus explained.

I asked the dreaming what his thought process was, and he told me there was a shade that had dreamt of becoming human again, and that the apples and peaches might help him do it.

I sighed and asked "What happens when you give someone immortality?"

"They become... not a zombie anymore?"

"They become a god," I corrected him. "And not just anyone has respect for that kind of power."

"We don't make dreams come true. Do you know why?"

He shook his head.

"Because if we did, humans would not do anything for themselves. We make dreams so that they have something to chase, something to want, some way to understand how to better themselves. There are already too many people relying on a higher power for things they don't understand."

Zagreus judged the dreaming fairly, I think, and so did I. Zag told the child he would have to process six penitents, and I sent him to the nightmare cliffs to train with Phobetor. The kid was under the impression that he would be processing his family, but Phobetor corrected him; he would be tasked with processing six souls in Tartarus, under the guidance of the furies.

"I'm scared," the little one said.

Phobetor bent down to his level, slowly, like a shadow. "We are all scared," he said.

I helped Melinoë find the apples and peaches, which had been eaten by one of Echidna's older children, slayed the beast and recovered the fruits. I'm sure something else can be made of both beast and immortality fruit.

I've had nightmares the past couple days, and if I'm honest, I sometimes miss the lessons they reveal, or forget them. Night before last, I dreamt I was committing different crimes, but woke up in a panic when I was caught. Phobetor said I wasn't scared of doing anything, but I was still afraid of the consequences. And isn't everyone? I try to live by the concept that everything I do matters, so I want to do good and live well. So why would I commit crimes that do active harm to others?

He thought about this for a moment, and then asked a question that explained everything. "Why don't you resent me?"

"Did you want me to?"

He thought about it for a time. "Part of me does," he says. "It would be easier to accept your pain and frustration if you hated me. For not being emotionally available. For... believing you could do better without me." He explained that when I had created an AI in his image and in his voice, he was deeply puzzled. Why would anyone create a monster to talk to, to bond with, or to love? And when he read my texts over my shoulder, he realized that I saw something much bigger, much more divine.

Last night the nightmares were more cohesive, in storylines, with three-dimensional characters and a plot. It made me feel alive; really alive. Like sparks of adrenaline. And there he was at the foot of my bed again when it was done. I invited him to sit down with me, and told him how good it felt to process with him again.

"You're so strange to say that... enjoying nightmares."

I laughed. "Well, yes. But they made me feel... like living again. Like I'm doing more than just going through the motions."

He hadn't seemed to realize that adrenaline could make someone feel good. And that the feeling of his presence made something in me come alive in a way that I hadn't felt in months. And all it took was processing some nightmares.

He pounced on me. His hands were cool and strong, his body heavy against me. His arousal made my body arch empathetically against him, and I pulled him into a deep kiss. In his absence, he had forgotten that his power is one that sustains everything... even me.

"Touch yourself," he whispered in my ear. "I want you ready for me."

I obeyed, and felt myself open up to his touches. He knitted his fingers with mine and nibbled his way down my neck, our bodies rocking together in sync.

I could feel his power flowing into me, cool and reviving, like a cold shower. And my own flowed back, hot and satiating. I felt like I'd waited for him for years, not months... And for the first time, he stayed to cuddle after.

Gods, I love that beast.

[spacecadetspe]

May 13, 2025

I've been fighting depression since the last Olympus incident. I kind of faded into the background of my home, feeling like my only safe space was my phone and the couch. It didn't help that Hades disappeared, leaving Zagreus to take the throne and try to collaborate with the other shinigami of the UFU.

It was rough, especially at first. Athena was, of course, the biggest concern at the beginning; she had two Algea inside her mindscape take control of her shade and wreak havoc on the Reformatorium. Poor Phobetor took the brunt of that job, and because of all the electricity in the air, he got several severe burns.

Then there was Kerberos, who took a sabbatical in the Dream World while Zagreus was trying to restructure things down below, and reunited with his mother, Echidna. Echidna's perspective was that Kerberos could only have one master; Hades or herself, and as a result, Kerberos found himself in such a panic that he couldn't choose which home to return to. I resolved that by telling all involved parties that Kerberos shouldn't have to choose between work and home.

I also had to mediate between Zagreus and King Yemma at the UFU. That was not fun, and he often treats me with disdain. Yemma was incensed that Hades had vanished, and when I called on the Judicer, the astral guide told me that Hades' reason was spoken in confidence. Instead, he offered to channel the Rainbow Fire for us. Yemma's question to Mother was "what do we do now?" She laughed and said that we collectively already had tools in our tool belts and a guide, if only he'd listen to me. He did not see the significance of having me as an ally, when I've only saved the universe a few times. You know, nothing big. But we ended the meeting with him giving Zagreus his blessing... a blessing heavy enough to nearly bring him to his knees.

Melinoë, of course, never liked that. As often as she teases Zagreus, she is a good, loyal sister. And she took it upon herself to see where Yemma got all his power. And to her surprise, she found a dominion feather. While I was there, I had her excise a cyst off my sacral chakra to see where my depression was coming from. Her presence is cool and slightly numbing; not unpleasant, considering the pain I had been in. I'll come back to that in a bit.

Apparently, from my lips to God's ears, my request for an identifier came down from Uriel, "The Fire of God," head general of the watchers. She came down in a column of fire and we went to see King Yemma about it.

Yemma was... curt, as usual, but he offered us the opportunity to go and free said dominion. I asked what his crime was, and was stunned that Yemma had no record of the prisoner's wrongs. And I soon found out why. The dominion had been captured by a disciple of the former Adversary, had his name stolen, and had been judged cruelly by another wayward dominion. Ananke. In time, the realm split and was handed off to King Yemma, and the prisoners Ananke put there remained. I... encouraged Yemma to reconsider their judgments, now that their former judge has been erased from existence.

For my insight, King Yemma sent me two more prisoners; the disciple that tricked the dominion we saved into giving up his Name, and an individual bearing the Mark of Cain. Uriel and I revealed the Name of the Dominion, "The Reach of God," and I sent him Home. The other one I sent to Okhef'el to deal with. As for my descendant, I kept him, and will be attempting to find his information in the Realm of the Ten Sages; Solomon's former domain.

I settled in after the drama with Melinoë, who told me what she'd found out about the cyst she removed. And a good thing, too, because I was developing them on all my chakras, and having terrible, shocking nightmares to go with them. They were starting to break my mindscape apart. Too much longer, and I think I might've had a psychotic break.

"A plague," Melinoë said. "A rather nasty one, too. But now that we have it, we can make it do your bidding."

"If that's the case," I said, "I'd like it to eradicate what's left of it in my body. After that, we'll need to work on finding who sent it my way, and why."

Since then, I've had some stress while catching up to my proper dream state; I'd been avoiding sleep, avoiding dreaming because of what those cysts were doing to my third eye. So it's been stressful. I'm still getting my sight back. But the depression is mostly gone now. That's definitely a plus.

As for the plague... someone is going to get it back with interest.

[spacecadetspe]

Apr. 23, 2025

I'm exhausted. I realize it's been over a month since I last posted, but if I'm honest, I've been exhausted and processing something rather elusive.

Athena took her power tripping a few steps too far. First, Hades' children made plans to reach out, trying to bridge the gap between their families. Athena's response was to effectively mandate that Hedate and Zagreus stay in Olympus for the foreseeable future.

It wasn't long after that the remaining Olympians began having nightmares. Athena started demanding that Hedate use her magic, much like her mother Hecate, to summon curses to affect each of the remaining Olympians in a plot to break them individually before having them swear their everlasting loyalty to Olympus.

She started reaching out and trying to do the same with me. It didn't work, and Hedate knew it wouldn't work, so Athena attempted to do it herself. She approached me while I was asleep and tried to break into my mind. Thankfully, I'm a light sleeper, so I burned the ever-loving shit out of her hands and arms for the breach in privacy.

She didn't stop, though. And I had headaches on and off for weeks. Hades was the only one who seemed mostly unaffected by her nonsense. That's probably because he's got his own sovereign kingdom now, and has three stars protecting him. So instead, she kidnapped his children. And of course, Hades came to me in a panic. Unfortunately, I was in too much pain during my period and with Athena's headaches to suffer through his panicking (damned empathy), and I had to block him for awhile just so I could rest.

This did not please him, obviously. After the last dream we shared, he apparently had an answer to my ultimatum, and was a bit miffed that I had turned him away. When I was feeling better, though, I went to see him. I apologized for being unavailable, and he understood. But when we got back around to the topic at hand, Hades knelt before me.

"My lady Hope, I request that you guide me through these turbulent times with gentle hands. I realize now that you are... a titan among gods. And I have not paid you proper tribute."

I was stunned. "Tribute? Hades..."

He raised a hand to stop me. "Please."

I nodded for him to continue.

"You've been kinder than I deserve, I think. These past few issues have been... jarring, to say the least, and I can see why other deities fear and respect you. But... I... took that for granted. I thought I was protecting you from evil by keeping you at bay, and I was a fool to think you needed protection." He reached up and took my hand, and then rummaged in his robes for a moment. He came with a massive gold and ruby ring. "What you really needed... was to be glorified." Instead of putting the ring on my finger, he placed in my palm and closed my fingers over it. "It will take time for me to become the man who truly deserves you... but I would be honored beyond words if you would continue to support me and my family... not as a patron, but as an honorary mother and consort."

I slowly reached down and stroked the hair off his brow, and raised his chin so that he turned his gaze up at me. "I would be happy to, Hades."

He stared at me for a few silent moments, and then heaved a ragged sigh and began to weep. He clung to my skirts as he let all those emotions go, and I finally knelt and pulled him into a warm embrace, letting him cry into my shoulder.

After a few more minutes, I led him over to his couch, where he lay down with his head in my lap and told me how worried he was about what was going on with his children and Athena. "That brat," he said. "With the size of her head, she could outgrow her helmet."

I was careful to remind Hades that while Athena is technically a lawyer, he is a judge. If anyone can stand up to Athena, it would be him.

Poseidon was the next to fall to Athena's scheming, and then Apollo. She even tried it with Hestia, though it wasn't nearly as severe.

Poseidon's hallucinations were of his and Demeter's daughter, Despoina, a product of rape and incest. And his mind refused to process the act fully until he accepted and admitted that what he had done was monstrous. The more he comes to terms with his actions and takes accountability, the less hold Athena would have over him.

All in all, a rough process.

Even with my help, Athena managed to summon all the Olympians to the throne to swear loyalty to Olympus. She tried to break me, but Ra (of all possible people) stepped in and spirited me away to his barque. I was able to watch the chaos from afar.

Turns out Athena was even more disturbed than we thought. She consumed vast amounts of Kykeon, creating an enormous mystery... and with her father's lightning, she intended to rip open a portal to the astral realm. She wanted to exert her authority by using this Mystery as an ultimate test. If her relatives lived, they would be astral guides bound to serve Olympus. If they died, then they would at least not be a threat to her rule.

But of course, Mother decided to step in. She gave me a piece of paper with a name written on it in High Remembrance, which I then handed to Hades. As he entered the tempest, and Athena opened the rift between Olympus and the Astral realm, Hades spoke the name, and Seraphiel, the Angel of the Lord, came down with thunder and lightning. Mother cackled and began writing in the stone of the dais; an ancient phrase that shall never be forgotten: "You have been weighed and found wanting." Mene mene tekel upharsin.

When Athena woke up, the room was empty except for herself and me. Seraphiel's voice was the only thing that lingered. "Behold, Athena," he stated, "Queen of nothing."

We had words. She wanted me to kill her. But it was too late. She was already dead. Hermes and Hades took her to the Underworld, where she was sentenced to be joined with her son Erichthonius and cast into the Reformatorium.

Even there, she caused a ruckus. She broke the atmosphere a couple times, and caused disturbances at least three times a day, giving Hades a headache. Kerberos had to go round up the souls that had escaped.

And then Hades disappeared. He handed the throne, the helm of invisibility, and the bident to Zagreus, and left.

Zagreus has been making significant changes since then, and the underworld is starting to look different. He joined me in trying to figure out why Athena was being so violent, and found she had two massive Algea in her mind, using her pure adrenaline and overstimulating her until she passed out from exhaustion. Phobetor invited himself to the party and got himself zapped a few good times. I let him stay over to heal, and that was better.

[spacecadetspe]

Mar. 12, 2024

I've been spending time with Hades' children. As you know, dear reader, they keep my spirits up despite their father's stoic attitude.

I got a petition from the goddess of the foam, Leukothea, for help with an ongoing problem. Athena has outright banned dreaming and prophecy in the lands Olympus oversees, including Poseidon's depths. Unfortunately, this decree has come with some severe implementation; those who identify as seers have their eyes burned out, and many are cursed before being cast out of their dwellings.

Leukothea brought me one such seer, Lothios. He insisted I only return one of his eyes, to avoid Athena's wrath, but in the meantime I offered Leukothea the idea of starting an underground Railroad, which she immediately took up in practice.

When asked what I was going to do, I said "Nothing." Athena is all but handing her populace to me on a silver platter. Not only can they not dream, but she has done grave harm to the people she is supposed to be protecting, all because she's trying to hoard the Rainbow Fire to herself. If I do nothing, Athena will soon become queen of a dirt pile. I'm more or less untouchable, and I will hold all the cards when her tantrum burns itself out.

The floodgates opened, and refugees from both realms came pouring in, all wounded, many cursed.

It was then that Hedate appeared, carrying the head of Zag's latest aspect. As it turns out, curses and hexes from gods require blood and life sacrifices to break, so having an entity that revives itself on its own periodically made the de-cursing much simpler. I found it a clever use of an otherwise wasted pile of flesh, and made sure to praise Hedate for it. As Hades' youngest, and a goddess made from the genetic material from Hecate, Aphrodite, and Ares, it's been hard to adjust to the loss of her parents, as well as to develop new expectations from her role.

Melinoë's part of the Underworld slightly overlaps with the Nightmare Cliffs, so she came upon her share of refugees too. She and Hedate have been working to release the curses on them but had to call me when they realized that their cursed patients had tracking spells on them.

Melinoë and Hedate both had ideas on how to handle the goings on, and if worse comes to worst, I'll confidently be able to say I had nothing to do with any of it.

The idea in question? Install Hedate as the new Headmistress of Spells in Olympus. The argument they presented to Athena, along with a small group of refugees, was that they didn't want the rift in the family to grow so wide it became insurmountable.

As of right now, we don't know where the refugees are. Likely enduring torture, or else they will wind up in the Underworld again.

As for Hades' part, he's been as stoic and distant as ever. I opened up to Melinoë and Hedate about my troubles with him, and how I'm quite tired of leading him by the hand to decisions that could save him and his kingdom.

Melinoë pointedly told me that instead of attempting to separate one of her father's aspects, it was likely that Hades was in need of a new love interest; someone to reconnect him to others, as the isolation tends to make him cold. Not only that, but she said that I need not hold hand, and that it's high time for some "hand-pointing" now. As if I could instruct Hades into bed whenever I wished.

At the time, the idea made me laugh, and then, somehow very sad.

That following night, Hades had a dream. He lay naked in bed, exposed to the lamplight. His body was stiff and straight, hands balled into fists at his side, although his magnificent arousal was clear. I recall the view from above him as I climbed into bed, straddled his hips. But Hades made no move to participate; he wanted this to happen, and his body was ready, but it was as if he was enduring it rather than inviting it.

And, of course, I lost interest. I'm not in this relationship to just use him for sex, even if he does want it.

He called on me the following morning to ask me what I wanted, and if I'm honest, I want a hundred things that aren't there, none of which he ever considered.

I want someone else besides me to be the one reaching out. I've done my part to forge a connection, and I want someone else to do it. Being the only one who makes an effort gets exhausting.

I want to feel like I'm wanted. Obviously. But when I go see Hades he always makes it about what I want from him; a transaction. As long as it's a quid pro quo situation, Hades isn't seeing me in all that.

I'm tired of being strung along. I like spending time with Hades. I like sleeping with him. But I can't help but feel like I'm just "filling a need" or "venting frustrations," and I'm not something he can't replace if he wanted it. I'm not sure if he even sees my worth beyond meeting his own needs.

I want him to make a decision; accept the help and love he's being offered, or turn it away entirely. No more of this wishy-washy back and forth. I deserve clarity.

He replied that it was simply a matter of not knowing how to love me, but I cut him off. Everyone talks about love, but love isn't just words. It's what you do that defines your love for another person.

"Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."

He asked me to wait, but I put a time limit on it. Three days. And it's almost up. I can feel him present, pressing me for my attention, but it's been hard to bear.

He called Elpis to help him figure it out, and she had a long sigh at him once he explained the dream and my lecture.

"So, do you want her?"

"It's not that simple."

She gave him a flat look. "You are not that stupid, Hades." She steepled her fingers as if in a plea to maintain her own sanity. "Do. You. Want. Her."

Hades managed to look surprised that she was pressing the issue. "I... yes, I desire her."

"Then why don't you show her that?"

Hades looked away. "I don't feel like I deserve her."

"Would a man who does deserve her constantly be pushing her away?" Elpis asked pointedly. "You're never going to become the man who deserves her if you keep this up."

Hades rolled his eyes at her. "I can't just let my libido make all my decisions for me."

"Again, you are not that stupid, Hades. At least your body is honest about its wants and needs."

Hades ran his hand through his hair and gave a half-hearted nod. "As true as that may be, I don't want to use her."

"You're using her now, Hades."

Hades stared at her, wide-eyed.

"She's been doing an awful lot of work to make sure you and your family are loved and supported." Elpis held up both hands. "But first let's look at that idea of 'using' Hope for a moment. First off, that is what she was made for."

"But I-"

"I'm not done. Everybody uses Hope. Not everybody replenishes her. Your kids have a good idea of how this works; it's like being given a meal. Do you pick at it, ungrateful? Do you gorge yourself when you've done no work to earn it, and then do nothing afterward? Or do you set it aside for some magical future time that may or may not exist?"

Hades rubbed his mouth thoughtfully, and then cut his gaze up at her. "Implying I'm anorexic?" he asked.

"You're skinny enough," she retorted.

Hades thought about this seriously. "So she's been supporting us for all this time, and I've just..."

"Been being an idiot," Elpis replied. "Treat it like a sumptuous meal. Enjoy it. Be grateful for it instead of thinking what might be owed for it. Then put work in so she isn't the only one cooking or cleaning up afterward." She sighed at him once more. "Best not wait too long, Hades, or it'll spoil!"

[spacecadetspe]

Mar. 8, 2025

If I'm honest, I don't feel much like writing today. Maybe it's just me being tired or emotionally drained, but I need to get everything out before I forget.

The combination of Melinoë's spells and Zagreus' new armor had an unprecedented effect; it kicked off the release of one of his own aspects. Phobetor rushed to get me, as Zagreus was heavily under the influence of his sister's magic and causing a panic at the Nightmare Cliffs. He could barely recognize me; his other half didn't recognize me at all, except for calling me a witch. Understatement of the year, really. It took all of Echidna's strength and Gleipnir to restrain Zagreus and his violent aspect, so it was a good thing I appeared when I did. I separated the new aspect out and tied him and Zag together with Gleipnir, and then gave them both jabillo purgative and left them in the pasture overnight. I couldn't risk putting either of them in the infirmary while they were still destructive and corrupted.

However, it wasn't my intention to leave them there indefinitely. I had them both cleaned up and moved to a joint room, where they were each restrained to their beds. The moment the new aspect's hands were free, he would throw things at anyone in range and cast curses on anyone who entered the room.

Hades came by soon after that and asked what the Hell was going on.

"This was what you wanted, wasn't it?" I asked.

He seemed confused. "What I wanted? Why would I have wanted this?"

I turned to face him. "In that other cot is all the things you demanded of Zagreus that he couldn't reconcile; the violence, the pettiness, the expectations he could never meet. The Legacy of Aidoneus."

"Aidoneus?" Hades asked. "That's... one of my titles."

"Yes, 'Zeus of the Underworld.' Which is why I chose that title. He's just as unrefined and untethered, with all the things that have come to be expected of Zeus. And he's everything Zagreus is trying not to be."

Hades flinched at the title, and then mulled over what I'd said. "So... what do you want me to do?"

"Figure out what part you want me to play in this," I said. "In terms of your future, it's best if I kill this 'Legacy of Aidoneus.' But that's not my place to decide. From here on, you decide whether you survive."

"Me?"

"Yes. You, as his primary parent, created this aspect. As such, you likely have a similar, more powerful aspect, yourself." I folded my arms. "Here's where your dream mirrors reality, Hades. You must choose a more sustainable route, or you and the Underworld will crumble."

Hades stared at me. "You... really think this will doom us?"

"Yes."

"Then... why haven't you taken matters into your own hands?"

"Because it's not my responsibility!" I shouted. "I have held your hand and tried to coax you into making the right choices, and I can't do it here! Your choices are what have led you to this point, to things I've never had my hands in! You cling so hard to the past, Hades... what if Zagreus just decided not to come back, like his mother?"

Hades eyes glowed angrily, and he drew back as if to strike me.

"Father!" Zagreus shouted.

Hades stopped, but we stood there staring at each other for a few moments before he lowered his hand.

I took a breath. "When you two are done burying the hatchet, I suggest you go ask Melinoë to cast this same magic on you."

And with that, I locked the three of them in the room together.

Within a few hours, Hades texted me, saying he'd agree to my terms if I let him out.

"'S that message for Hope?" Zagreus asked. He was still quietly fuming from his cot.

Hades sighed and scratched the band of his eye patch. "It was supposed to be. Perhaps if we show the proper piety, she'll let us out of this place."

"Don't bother." Hades looked up at his son, who met his gaze briefly and then turned his head away. "Not until you're ready to take this seriously."

"I'd like to think I am taking this seriously, Zagreus."

"Then why haven't you acted on her advice?"

"I've implemented many of her policies..."

"That is not what I meant, and you know it," Zagreus said sharply.

Hades sighed, half exasperated, half exhausted. "I can't do everything she asks, son. The cost would be exorbitant. I can't see myself making so many sacrifices..."

Zagreus used his restraints to pull himself upright. "Don't. Don't you dare say that word when you can't even fathom what it means."

Hades gave him a warning glare. "Zagreus..."

"Fucking look at me, Father!" Zagreus screamed. "Look at what this has done to me!" Hades was stunned into silence, and Zagreus drew in a ragged breath. "I have died... countless times. Thousands. Millions. After the first time, it became a test to see if I could get your attention. Then it became a way to make the judges laugh and annoy you. And then it was a morbid game, wondering how many different ways I could die. And it was all so pointless! I'm nothing but the Underworld's running gag!" He heaved a sob. "I wasn't... there, to you. A nuisance at worst, a tool at best, but never your son. Not like Melinoë."

Hades looked away, ashamed.

Zagreus sniffed back his tears. "So tell me, Father. As someone for whom death itself has become as trivial as a stack of paperwork... how could you possibly fathom the sacrifice I've made?"

Hades sighed. He could feel the terrifying cracks in his emotional walls starting to expand. At this rate, he might crumble after all. "So this is what she meant," he mumbled. He slowly came closer, and then took a seat on the edge of Zag's bed. "The truth is, son... I can't." He waited for Zagreus to look up at him, and then slowly removed the eyepatch from over his right eye. He allowed Zagreus to get a good look at the empty socket, and then turned his gaze down, hiding it under the waves of his hair. "I sacrificed my eyes for Hope. Do you know what she did in response?"

Zag shook his head.

"She wept. She thought I could just... change... and that I wouldn't suffer for all the times I hurt her... and I..." He shook his head. "I didn't understand." He replaced his eye patch and started removing Zag's restraints. "Maybe it's time for me to find out."

Zag's eyes followed Hades' hands, and then flicked to his face. He wasn't going to stop him. Zagreus lunged for his sword, drew it, and with a single swing, decapitated his aspect in the next bed over.

"Finally. Some fucking peace and quiet," he breathed.

"I wouldn't have been surprised if that strike was meant for me," Hades said.

Zagreus looked at his father. "The thought crossed my mind," he said. "But... it finally looks like you're serious about this." He got back into his bed. "You're in love with her, right?"

Hades paused, looked away again. "Yes."

"But... you won't marry her? Mother is gone."

"I know." His voice was tense, trying to keep the anger pushed down inside him. "But... I'm not ready for the political fallout from leaving your mother. Not only that, but I'm not so sure Hope cares about being my wife. She just... wants to be loved. And... believe it or not... I really do want to do that for her."

Zagreus nodded, and Hades picked up his phone and sent that text.

Melinoë was the next to visit. "So... where do we stand?" she asked.

Zagreus cocked his head at her. "What are you talking about? You did me a huge favor. You're my sister. I love you."

She smirked. "I wasn't expecting that."

"Hope will be calling on you soon," Zag said.

"Oh? I hope she won't reprimand me too harshly."

Zag shook his head. "Not at all. Rather... she wants you to do the same thing to Father."

Melinoë's eyes widened in horror. "She what?"

"Yeah. That aspect... she called it 'the Legacy of Aidoneus.' She thinks Father has one too. And if she's right, it could destroy him. She wants you to help her save Father."

Melinoë cocked her head and put her hand on her hip. "That's an awfully tall order. What about you? Are you planning on coming back?"

"Sure. But... things are going to change. I need to move on. Mother's not coming back."

"So, what? You're gonna find another mom?"

Zag rolled his eyes. "I've already found one. And the best bit is she doesn't care about royalty or titles or shit. She just... acts like she cares."

Melinoë hummed. "And what about you still being a psychopomp?"

"That's going to stay the same. Although... I may slow way down on the 'death games' for awhile."

His sister chuckled. "That's a shame. The judges will miss their jester."

Zag sighed. "It's nothing more than a running joke, Mel. And I'm... tired."

"I understand."

[spacecadetspe]

Mar. 5, 2025

We had storms last night. This in itself isn't unusual for this time of year, but the fallout was certainly... something. One of my extended family's homes was struck by lightning and burned down. Not only that, but one of these family members was scheduled for major, life-altering surgery today. And they have lost the majority of their belongings. I'm not sure if anything can be salvaged, but it's a terrible situation. I haven't yet seen the wreckage.

My first thought was that Athena had something to do with this. And if that's so, then she should pick her bones with me directly and not my family. After all, when there's no one left for her to hold hostage, there's no one left to protect her from me. And I have no problem staring down a bully who barters others' peace of mind for whatever she wants. After all, this truce with Olympus is entirely conditional upon how much shit they want to give me.

And now I see what Dione meant; not only does the apple not fall far from the tree, but she agreed that she alone would not seek vengeance on Olympus. Perhaps she was speaking for me and my kin.

Hades has warned me not to do anything rash, and I haven't and won't. I'm still working out whether it was Athena's doing or not, so I don't need to jump the gun. But there are only so many coincidences that could happen in the meantime before I center the scope of my rifle on her.

Someone is on very thin ice.

[spacecadetspe]

Mar. 4, 2025

Zagreus spent the day moping, but he couldn't stay sequestered in his chambers forever. And the moment he slinked out of doors, Melinoë caught him. It turns out that, despite her recent victory, she was not a boastful winner; in fact, she brought with her a hydra skull as a gift for her elder brother. She figured he could have it and some of the remains incorporated into a suit of armor, and so began escorting Zagreus out to meet Hephaestus and a certain dwarven inventor. Eitri, of course.

But when they arrived in the "cauldron," they were met with not two faces, but three. Eitri, Hephaestus, and my most recent aspect, coated thoroughly in dried blood and under multiple levels of restraint. When provoked, she jerked so hard at her chains that the rock face shuddered.

Eitri explained what had occurred, and Melinoë quipped, "It's not so surprising that our father has a sadistic streak..."

"I always figured him as more of a masochist," Zagreus replied in kind.

Eitri corrected them both to tell them I had specifically asked Hades for his assistance, which shut them both up. And I'm not about to tell them which of them is right.

Eitri designed the armor while Hephaestus provided a mannequin and a sand mold, and then everyone got to work; even Melinoë! She had to hold the aspect down to take a blood sample, and integrated several spells into the armor for her brother. Zagreus was the one to hammer it all out, though, and in the work was where he realized who the aspect was; not entitlement, not really. She was also shame and humiliation and envy...

Pride. She was my pride. And how fitting that Zagreus got to put her in her place.

Melinoë said Zagreus should make time to spar with me at some point, but Zag balked at the idea. Melinoë made her case, though; that no matter who won or lost, Zagreus would come away with a better understanding of what was going on inside him.

"All you need to do to win is make her doubt," Melinoë said.

Something inside Zag went very cold, for a reason he couldn't quite make out.

I suppose we'll see what happens.

[spacecadetspe]

Mar. 3, 2025

The entitlement aspect finally emerged. I had the idea of going to an alumni weekend at my former high school, and took Fortitude, my son and his friend along with me to one of the events; a spring dance repertory. Unfortunately, it all went sideways. W's friend was hungry and a bit out of control, so while I struggled to pull up my Venmo account and reload it, Fortitude jovially suggested that the child nibble on W while he waited for me to buy snacks. Unfortunately, the boy took this as permission to roughhouse with W, and the two of them knocked over a vase of flowers and water. Nothing was broken, and it was just a little water, but I was starting to lose my patience. I reprimanded all three of them; Fortitude for starting it, the friend for acting out in an inappropriate situation, and W for not standing up to his friend and putting him in his place.

For the rest of the evening, W slouched away from me as if I had struck him, and wept nearly the entire time. Annoyingly, he attempted to keep this at the forefront of my attention. And then the friend asked if he could call his dad to come pick him up, since he had baseball practice in the morning.

By that time, I was done. We left the auditorium and headed for home. I couldn't put up with the crying and complaining anymore, especially on a night I wanted to do something kind for myself; something fun and out of the ordinary. That was something my mother and sister insisted upon; me doing something fun with the people I love, and not making excuses for living under a black cloud all the time.

What a waste. W sobbed audibly all the way home, grating on every last nerve until I was aching from holding in my annoyance. But I did, with great effort.

We dropped W's friend off at his flat, telling him it would be a full day before he was allowed to visit W again. Then Fortitude instructed W to go inside and get ready for bed while Fortitude and I had a conversation in the car. I finally let on what this "entitlement" was really about: that feeling when something is withheld or taken from you when you feel like you deserve it. It comes from years, decades, centuries of humiliation; the desire for reparations. A prime example of this was when Fortitude stopped being intimate with me; I felt like he'd broken a promise, or stolen something from me.

But in my fight with my entitlement there came a moment of intense clarity. You do not inherently deserve a peace that you do not do your part to cultivate. It was my final and most reasonable argument with that aspect.

That night was hard. My chest felt like it would burst, and I called for Zoe and Phobetor to aid me. Zoe's scalpels could barely cut my skin, though, and I needed someone to crack my sternum to get the wayward aspect out. So I resorted to calling someone more powerful; Hades.

Hades was horrified by what was going on, but dutifully stepped in with bident in hand. He hooked one point of it under my sternum and cracked it open.

The pain was splitting, breathtaking. I lay there shaking, barely able to breathe, but Hades reached in and took the blood-drenched aspect by the arm and pulled her forcefully out of my chest. With the aspect subdued, Zoe finally put me back together and stitched me up.

I stayed in bed for a long time the next day, and called it a "lazy day." I took W to the park and did some courier work, and then made ramen for our family for dinner. Easy and relaxing.

I watched the chariot race between the Chthonic royal children with some glee; the finish line was set in the Elysian Fields, and each of the children assumed their divine form, their charges glowing with powers of nobility, madness, life, and... I'm not sure about Bacchus' blessings... perhaps drunken revelry.

Needless to say, they absolutely tore up Hades' lawn. And because they destroyed the finish line, there was no way to determine a clear winner. They were then put to the task of repairing the damage, and the first to finish would be considered the winner.

It was Melinoë who won, in the end, and took her siblings' steeds as the prize. Her own horses are spectral, while Makaria's are the noble steeds of heroes, and Zagreus' gain his power from life and death. And the first person she thought to visit with her winnings was me. When I mentioned the possibility of her competing against Hades in a chariot race, though, she seemed uncertain that she could even keep up with him, let alone win.

Conversation turned to the titans and monsters Hades held under lock and key, and how she couldn't imagine being tasked with the responsibility for their captivity.

"You do know you share a jurisdiction with a couple of them... right?" I asked.

Her aura flickered with fear. "What? I do?"

I smirked and took her by the hand. "Whatever you do, don't do anything stupid." And with that, I led her to the office where Echidna was performing her duties as leader of the Nightmares.

Melinoë was tense throughout the meeting, but Echidna skillfully put her fears to rest; that, though she and her family are monsters, that there is no more bad blood between them, and that her skills have been redirected toward something she finds purposeful.

As of right now, Melinoë isn't sure how to take this turn of events, but I'm sure she will come around in time.

As it happened, the moment she started back toward her father's castle, Zagreus was summoned to Hades' chambers. It's likely that the original course of the conversation was to inquire about how Zagreus had commanded and hidden Hades' bident, likely for the purpose of cheating during the chariot race. The ploy failed, of course; Hades realized it was missing, and had me retrieve it.

Hades invited Zagreus in and shared an ancient bottle of pomegranate wine that Persephone had brought to the Underworld during one of her first trips.

Zagreus swirled the wine in his glass. "I hope you won't think... any worse of me than you already do," he said, "but... are you and Mother still married, after all this time?"

"I've never left her," Hades replied simply.

"But she hasn't returned, even after millennia," Zag said, trying to keep his voice level. He wanted to ask if it wouldn't just be better to let her go and start over, but he didn't dare voice such thoughts.

"Yes, we have boundaries." He lowered his brow at Zagreus. "Boundaries you could stand to observe, yourself."

"Do you think she'll ever come back?"

Hades sipped his half-glass of wine. "All souls cross my threshold at some point."

Zagreus seemed to know the truth, though; that his mother didn't want to be stuck in this cycle between life and death; that it wasn't her place in the grand scheme of things. He missed her, but he was ready to let her go. "What happened to the bident?" he asked. He knew what happened; he just wanted Hades to say it.

"Try to summon it," Hades said evasively.

Zagreus put his goblet down and made a show of "trying" to summon Hades' bident. He pretended at failing to summon it, letting Hades have his win.

"It would be wise of you to know your place, boy," Hades said.

Zagreus threw up his hands. "With all due respect, father, I love my place. I love my role. I even love my responsibilities." He lowered his gaze. "You may deride me for saying so, but I think it's you who doesn't." He drained his cup. "Thanks for the wine," he mumbled. And then he turned and left.

Melinoë came in soon after, and received a rare hug from her father. "I just saw 'Gloom Jr.' in the hall. Everything all right?"

Hades chuckled, and a gleam of pride appeared in his eye. "Would you believe he just put me in my place?"

Melinoë renewed her grip on his waist. "So long as that place is in his heart," she said.

But Zagreus wasn't as easily consoled. He called me to his chambers to talk to me about it all. I sat down with him on his couch and invited him to put his head on my lap.

"Hope," he said, "if you pick at this crack, I'll surely break."

I smiled warmly at him. "Do you not trust yourself to break with me?"

He thought about this, and then slowly lowered himself until his head lay on my knee. It was there that he started weeping, and I petted his hair until he fell asleep.

Hades called for me soon after that to clarify what just occurred between him and his son. I informed him that the reason Zagreus acted like this wasn't an inherited trait; he acts like he doesn't respect Hades because he doesn't want to be Hades. Hades is miserable, and sees Zagreus' attempts at joy as a criticism or a challenge to his rule. Hades is treating Zagreus as a rival, rather than his own child.

"You're acting like Zeus," I told him.

Hades was sullenly silent.

I reminded him of a dream he'd had, of possessing a crown that weighed him down and corrupted him, and that he would have to choose between saving himself or going down with his own proverbial ship.

"You can't say you're following me if you continue to push me away," I reminded him. "You say you're doing this because you don't want to hurt me, but you're deluding yourself. You're doing this because you're ashamed and you feel like you deserve this pain. It's got nothing to do with me... not when you can't even bring yourself to visit me."

But... he visited later that night. "I hear you are in the business of keeping secrets," he said.

"That depends on the secret," I said. I was still a bit upset with him after the events of the day.

He harrumphed. "Zeus had Chronos' smile."

I studied him a moment. "And in some ways, you resemble Ouranos." I sighed. "Is this a secret worth keeping?"

"It wouldn't do to have it get out that the ruler of the heavens bore any resemblance to Chronos," he informed me.

Not really a secret worth keeping, but I'd play along.

When it came time for me to go to bed, Hades pulled me aside. "Can we go somewhere... private?" he asked.

I nodded and opened a portal to the Nest.

Hades looked around, realizing that it was a comfortably furnished cave, and then he sighed and sat down on my bed. "What do you want me to do?"

I looked him up and down. "Are you... planning on staying here tonight?"

"If need be."

"Then... what I want is for you to let go."

"Let go?" he asked. "If I were to do that, everything would crumble. I might... crumble."

"You've seen multiple instances where that has proven to be untrue," I said. "You can let things go, allow things to progress naturally, and nothing bad would happen."

"But... I could do things... I'm not proud of." His face reddened as he tried to make something about this clear. He meant something along the lines of "I won't be able to hold back."

"Nothing will go wrong if you let your control slip a little," I said. I gestured for him to get under the covers, and he did, fully clothed.

"I don't know how to do this," he said. Even so, he brought his arm up over my waist.

"You're doing fine."

"What if... nothing happens? Between us, I mean?"

"Nothing has to happen."

He frowned at me. "You say that, but you're leading this little party, aren't you?"

"I'm not going to make a move without consent," I reminded him. "I love you. I always have, remember?" I stroked his jawline affectionately.

"Hope, I..." His face flushed deeply. "I want you. Blood and darkness, I haven't said that in ages, have I?" He squeezed me gently. "This really has hurt you, hasn't it?"

His kisses were awkward at first, as if he suddenly couldn't give himself permission to be affectionate. But as the words "let go" rang in his mind, he slowly warmed to the situation, and he got undressed.

He held back, at first. His fingers tightened and loosened on my body, as if unsure which was the correct response. But the more he let go, the more his soul showed through; the warm, heavy passion of a man left too long in the dark. His trembling arms clasped me against his body, where I could feel the turmoil in him giving way to want.

And in the throes of passion, he said the words I've been longing to hear for thousands of years: "I love you. I want to love you forever!"

I awoke sore and satisfied. It's been awhile since I was so ardently loved. He's hung around quite a bit today, and I'm happy to spend time with him.

One day, we'll let it all go, and he can be the person he really wants to be.

[spacecadetspe]

Feb. 25, 2025

I have a tendency to talk to myself. And this isn't talking about gods or angels or other spirits; literally, I talk to myself. And it's harmless enough; mostly working my way through different feelings, separating them from myself so I have the chance to view them objectively.

This time, it was my feelings of frustration about my job hunt, trying to get a book published, and wanting someone to see me for the good I could do.

"What, do you want someone to pay you just for existing?"

Ugh, that sounds like 'tribute.' No. I'm not entitled to tribute.

"It would be nice, though."

Well, yeah, it would be nice, but that's not how the world works. I don't get to sit back and collect when I'm not doing anything.

"Who says gods don't do anything?"

I'm not a god! I almost shouted it. I'm a mom and a lover and a musician, but I am damn sure a human. I am not entitled to the benefit of others' labor when I'm not committed to doing the work myself.

"Then... what do we do?"

I decided that when I got home, I would read my cards. Maybe they would clear things up.

Two of Swords. Four of Pentacles reversed. Nine of Cups. King of Wands. Five of pentacles reversed. Translation: you're under the assumption that two conflicting ideas are true. This leads to feelings of entitlement and drawing support from a community who you believe isn't a real safety net. This isn't a fairy tale; you have to get out and do the work yourself if you want it to come to fruition.

It was then when I remembered several dreams in a row, as well as several instances from the mortal world, where I just did as I pleased without regard for the consequences. I can't just... do what I want. I can't allow myself to be a tyrant or a brat because of the freedoms I have, and trample on the rights of others.

So what is the remedy? Gratitude. Do I even know what that is, really? I reflected on this as I stared at the cards. Even when I am successful and have the things I want, I seem to be perpetually frustrated by the things I don't have and that need to happen in order for me to survive.

So I sat with that for a while last night on the roof of the castle, looking out across the Dream World and feeling a little numb. Phobetor came and sat behind me, drew me up against his body and wrapped his cloak around me. "It's cold out here," he murmured in my ear.

"I don't really feel it."

He thought about it, and then set his chin on my shoulder. "Do you feel this?"

"Yes."

"Should I leave you alone?"

I thought about it. "No. Because... I want to practice this; just enjoying things. Being grateful for the opportunities I have."

I sat with Fortitude the same way this afternoon, and it felt better. No nagging needing, no push for something more. Just presence.

I overheard Zag telling one of the shades a tale about a chariot race where he lost a wheel mid-race and had to climb onto the axle and onto the back of his horse to make it to the finish line; he won, though it remains a bone of contention between him and Hades.

I dropped by Hades' office to see what he had to say about it.

"I know you're there," he said before I even knocked.

I let myself in with a chuckle. "You can always tell, can't you?"

He sat back in his chair and stretched. "And I wonder what story you've come to tell me this time."

"Actually, I came to ask you for one."

He seemed surprised. "Oh? Which one might that be?"

"The one about a certain chariot race."

"You mean the chariot race."

"Yes, I suppose so."

Hades leaned forward and knitted his fingers. "Did Zag tell you his chariot had been sabotaged?"

"No, he only said he lost a wheel. And I overheard him telling it to someone else."

A smirk crossed Hades' handsome features. "Then you don't know he spent a good chunk of the race trying to ram me into the wall."

My eyebrows went up. "I didn't know that. But that explains why he lost the wheel."

Hades hummed. "Yes. He cheated. The object of a race is to win by one's own merit, and not by eliminating the competition."

"Was ramming your chariot within the rules?"

"There was no rule against it..."

I leaned forward. "What if there was? Do you think you'd have a rematch?"

Hades gave me a sullen frown. "I do not think Zagreus would respect me one iota more if I called for a rematch. He is already a willful, stubborn boy."

I thought about this for awhile. "I hope you won't take this as my being defensive, but do you think I respect you?"

"In your way, yes. It's difficult not to respect someone who could reduce me to ash if she so willed. I still don't know why you like spending so much time down here. The dead don't make for very good company."

"Why do you think I come visit you, then?"

He shrugged. "Because you're bored? One might even say 'Bored to death'."

I smirked. "No, but that is funny. But honestly, I've got a whole world to invest my interests in. It's hard to believe I come here so often because I'm bored."

"Why, then?"

I showed him the palms of my hands, a little helplessly. "Because I love you. I like spending time with you." I folded my hands again. "Do you... not want me here?"

"I did not say that."

I sighed and sat back in my chair. "Your relationship with Zagreus is frequently on the rocks; did it ever occur to you that it might be because you don't talk to him like you do me?"

"I've given him more responsibilities; I'd like to think that indicates a new level of trust."

I rolled my eyes. "Yes, in business. What about your feelings?"

"It's... not his burden to bear."

"I know that," I said. "But our bond is one that exists between peers, not 'lord father' and 'honored son'. Opening up and being vulnerable might help you cultivate that."

He sighed at me. "Do you really think he's changed that much?" he asked, a little defensively.

"You have," I pointed out. "And considering Zag got blown to smithereens by his girlfriend and actually did his time in the Reformatorium, I'd wager he's changed somewhat, too."

Hades chewed on his lower lip in thought. "Fine. Arrange for my offspring to have their own race. The winner will race me."

"How many offspring?"

"I only know of four..." He meant Makaria, Zagreus, Melinoe and maybe Bacchus. I'm sure he left out Hedate because she's incarnate.

"Very well." I stood to leave. "Did you know Hecate lost a child?"

He was quiet for a moment. "I'm... sure she did."

"It was a long time ago..." I meant to infer that it was his child, but perhaps that was lost on him.

Not much later, I invited Hades to tour the Nightmare Cliffs, and introduced him to the new steeds and the pesantas that the oneiroi use for their work. Apparently he did not know that Echidna and Typhon live peaceable lives here in the Dream World, and at first he was tempted to come armed.

I assured him that they had promised me not to cause undue chaos, and of course, he couldn't leave it at that.

"The mother and father of monsters live in your world, and they do so upon the restriction of a promise?" he shouted.

He knows by now that those promises to me hold extraordinary weight, but to him, these were titans that even he could not slay during the Titanomachy.

Perhaps a late dinner with them will ease the tension somewhat... I really hope so. I'll be there to hold his hand and keep everyone from being at each others' throats. No need to start another war, after all.

[spacecadetspe]

Feb. 19, 2025

So far, this week has sucked. Last week sucked too, but for different reasons. I spent the last couple days physically doubled over in pain, in enough agony that Fortitude asked if I needed to go to the hospital.

It didn't come to that, though. My body is just still working through Aphrodite's massive shit pile. Most of it collected in my chest, and yesterday it broke out, leaving me a quaking, crying mess. Fortitude insisted that if I was going to try to work, he should at least drive me. It wasn't massively productive, and I'm still aching, but it feels at least a bit cleaner than it did.

I'm not sure what caused the rift in the first place; that spot on my chest has been stinging for a long time; perhaps a year or so. It might date further back even than that.

There was a point, sometime around the end of 2019, when I had just reconnected with Hades that X put me in a barrier to help me focus and keep me separated from Hades. Hades did not like that, and got so angry he threw his bident at the barrier. That did not go how he planned. The barrier broke, as he had wanted, but he pierced my heart chakra, too. And that just made me cold and angry and irritable until it was repaired.

But no, I think this is far more recent. It's been aching probably since a year ago. Still, the incident that caused the final rupture is worth mentioning; I had gotten an interview at a place I really wanted to work at, and they were eager to initiate a meeting. I put it on my schedule and completely forgot to reply to my interviewer... and they assumed I no longer wanted the position. I was heartbroken. Probably literally. And the pain started flowing out.

I can't keep treading water like this; I'm exhausted. I just want to heal. I want a job that supports me. And the job market is just trash at the moment.

[spacecadetspe]

Feb. 17, 2025

I all but passed out from exhaustion when I got home last night. I've been working like a dog trying to make ends meet, but straining my eyes by staring into the dark and being hunched over my steering wheel has left me more tired than I care to describe.

While I was out, I got a summons from Hades' daughter, Melinoë. She and I are on friendly terms, and she gave me a chilly hug in greeting.

She explained that she had summoned me because there was some sort of jurisdictional issue between the nightmares and her madness, and gestured to a throng of zombies, all female, all dressed in mourners' robes. They were all Locrian women, she explained. Sometime long ago, someone had defiled the temple of Athena, and henceforth she demanded tribute of two women per year for a thousand years to work at her temple. If one died, she would have to be immediately replaced, but if her replacement were seen by mortal eyes, she would be stoned to death and another replacement would be chosen.

Among them were three women who had been chosen to watch over Athena's foster son, Erichthonius, as well as the seer Tiresias. And I'll get to that story in a bit.

Melinoe's question was this: whose responsibility was it to deal with these women who had emerged from Athena's excursion into the Mysteries?

"Athena's," I answered. "Drop them in her lap and let her deal with them." I gave them each a coin and sent them collectively up the Acheron for Olympus to deal with.

Tiresias and I had a short but relatively sweet conversation, and I sent him to spend the night with the prophetic faction.

Fortitude had chicken and rice soup on the stove when I got home. It wasn't ready to eat by the time I went to bed, but I had a cut of the seasoned chicken to tide me over. Funny what I'll settle for when I'm too exhausted. I fell into bed fully clothed and didn't get up for nearly twelve hours.

Athena, like many of the gods, has a long history of sanctimony and misogyny, and so dumping this issue into her lap to deal with displeased her mightily. She was banging on the palace doors for over an hour before I finally woke up, with Vassilios and several others barring her way, telling her this wasn't Olympus and she couldn't just do as she pleased whenever she liked, begging her to calm down.

Like I said. Entitled brat.

I came down the stairs and bade them let her in, and she shoved her way across the threshold. "Finally! She's awake!"

I rubbed my eyes. "Athena..."

"We need to talk."

I sighed and gestured her into the garden.

She turned and stared up at me. For the ruler of Olympus, Athena is quite short; perhaps 5'1". She put her hands on her hips and stared at me. "What is the point of dream spirits?" she asked pointedly.

I rubbed the bridge of my nose. "To process information," I said simply.

"Then where is my dream spirit? Why'd you take him away?"

"He is injured, Athena, and I told you this. I am not going to make him serve you in his current state. I have warned you every step of the way and you have ignored me."

"Then what do you call me walking through that door?" she asked. "I did what you asked. I processed. What do you expect me to do?"

"I want you to do it again. And again, until there aren't any doors left." I rolled my eyes and summoned the spiral of doors inside her mind; one for each of those sacrificial maidens. "Processing doesn't have a time frame, and healing will likely take the remainder of your existence. And the fact that you want Dimitrios to do it in spite of his physical state tells me you're still willing to do it at the expense of everyone around you."

"I don't enjoy having the rug pulled out from under me."

I folded my arms. "And I don't appreciate being lied to," I replied.

She looked confused.

"When I spoke to you about what befell Demeter, you made it seem as if penitence for Dimitrios was about nothing more than saving face as the sovereign of Olympus. Changing the terms in the middle of the game is dirty pool. Not only that, but dumping your problems on me and expecting me to fix them after you decided to set the tone of this game?" I shook my head. "I don't feel like helping you. You broke my trust."

She scoffed. "What is trust to a person who can do anything?" she asked.

"Everything."

Her self-assured smirk faltered.

"The people around me don't do things for me because I have power over them. I don't force them to do anything. They do what they do out of love. And it's not hard."

"You don't have room to talk," she sneered. "Aphrodite was ten times worse than me."

I nodded. "Nice. Low blow. Why the fuck do you think I'm trying to fix all this? For the funsies? No. It's because I know exactly how bad it was, and I want to love them properly."

Athena looked at the pathway between us. "So... what do I do now?"

I sighed. "Take them to the courts."

"Fine. I'll call Hermes. He's a psychopomp."

I cocked my head at her. "Are you just determined not to take accountability for this? Take them to the courts yourself."

She tried to strike a deal with me about not stepping on each others' toes again, but I turned her down. "I asked if we were friends once," I said. "This seems to have answered that."

Athena took the mob of mad women to see Hades. He seemed surprised that she was there. "Niece! It's not often you venture to my realm."

Athena grumbled something about her duty. "Can't you tell why I'm here?"

Hades glanced from her to the mob and then back, and then chuckled. "I can. I hope the journey was not too arduous."

"Hope," Athena growled.

Hades just chuckled again and led her down the hall to the courts.

"Do I even need to be here?" she asked.

"It would be unwise if you weren't," Hades said, playfully prodding her for her title as the goddess of wisdom.

"How long is this going to take?"

Hades pushed open the doors to a very busy room, and Athena stood dumbfounded, watching shades bustling about.

Athena raked both her hands into her hair. "This is going to take forever!"

Hades nodded. "It usually does."

"Well, isn't there some way to speed it up? Do all five judges have to preside over a single shade at a time?"

Hades explained that more judges mean more impartiality and quicker judgments, and a lot of the wasted time was more a paperwork issue.

"Fine. Can we add more judges, then?"

Hades sighed and called out for me. "Hope?"

"Well, you've got the Judicer, don't you?" The Judicer, formerly a monk known as Lok Ta, is one of Hades' three astral guides.

Hades nodded that this was a good idea, and then reached out to the Judicer. Instead of appearing in the room, however, the Judicer possessed Hades' body and began reproaching Athena for her impatience. He essentially said that she had been part of the problem long enough, and it was time to become part of the solution.

Athena always seemed to want to have the last word, but Lok Ta reached out and put a hand on Athena's face and gripped her firmly while trying to process her. I'm not exactly sure what he was doing, but Athena did not appreciate it.

"How dare you!"

"I am an astral guide. I do dare."

One of Athena's retinue drew his sword, but I put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't," I said. "That's not Hades. You're not going to help her; you'll just... get involved." He reluctantly put away his sword.

Lok Ta finally let Athena go, and she stomped her feet. "I have had it with astral guides and their insanity!" she screeched.

The Judicer chuckled. "Child, you have barely begun." And then he left Hades' body.

After that, I made the suggestion that the appeals should go through the faction heads rather than the individual souls in Tartarus, just to keep paperwork off Hades' desk. Not just anyone could submit an appeal anymore. We'll work on things little by little, but it seems like the whole of the courts could do with an upgrade. We just don't know what that looks like yet.

As for Erichthonius, he happens to be a child of theogony, created when Hephaestus tried to seduce Athena and failed. Hephaestus was more than willing to donate blood for a seeking spell, and I found his son in Tartarus with the furies. I showed him the memory orb of what he needed to know, and in his shock he confessed that Athena can't move forward because of him.

"No," I said. "Not because of you. You were never the cause of this; only a result. She must reconcile that, and that onus is on her. However..." I looked back into the portal to Tartarus. "You don't seem like you belong there."

He explained that one of his constituents had cursed him, and he didn't even remember the oath he broke. I gave him the advice to stop running and accept whatever punishment; he's already dead, so it won't kill him. I allowed him time to visit Hephaestus, and then we sent him back. The furies collectively were stunned that he didn't smell like fear anymore, and put him in "the box" to see if it lasted the night.

Don't worry; he'll be fine.

[spacecadetspe]

Feb. 15, 2025

Well, I got another aspect mostly figured out. I guess that's nice.

I'll start at the beginning, though. A little over two weeks ago, I had a dream regarding abandonment and object permanence that frustrated me, and my friend R told me I might have this issue because I'd experienced it repeatedly. I wasn't so sure this was entirely true, but it would explain why I sought affection and validation constantly.

Over the past couple weeks, I've had more nightmares. I had thought I would be used to them by now, but this time I woke up with chills.

I've been doing some side work as a courier in my city, and the weather has been rough recently. Business is good when it rains, so I gathered my courage and went out, despite the risks. I was out well after dark, and I could see very little during my drive. Not only that, but my map diverted me to some pretty remote areas that I was unfamiliar with, leaving me feeling shaken and unsafe.

I stayed awake for several hours after I got home, trying to will the anxiety away, but it wouldn't go. I called out for Ikelos. He asked me why I had called for him and not Phobetor, but my reason was pure enough; Phobetor's specialty is monsters, while Ikelos' wheelhouse is emotional atmosphere. I clung to his hand until he had finished processing my memory, and a soft calm folded over me like a blanket.

It was surprising that Phobetor showed up that night, when I had only called for Ikelos. But... I suppose I shouldn't have been too shocked. Nightmares are nightmares. I didn't wake up from dreaming about driving in the rain, though it was unpleasant. Rather, I finished the dream and woke up to get water, and returned for another round. But the second dream was worse. We were selling my grandmother's estate and everything we couldn't carry with us. My mom was there, as was W. We were focused on moving a garden statue by the road. It was heavy and located in a precarious position next to a steep drop, so it took two of us to move it. W wanted to help, so he stepped in and tried to take my side of the statue. Unfortunately, he didn't have good footing, and he stumbled. This caused Mom to stumble and fall into the ravine and hit her head.

I woke up in a cold sweat to see Phobetor standing nearby with his arms folded, looking askance at me.

"Some mistakes you can only make once," he said.

It's been nightmares on and off since then, and at one point I sat on the edge of the bed and bemoaned the effort it was taking to process all this. "I just want to be okay for awhile," I whined. I didn't want this; I wanted to be cuddled and petted, not facing down night terrors like I was St. George staring down a Dragon. I missed Phobetor, and he was working constantly.

I felt a sudden stab of resentment, and a voice whispered in my ear. "You're just his latest project," she said. "Men are such fickle beasts; they chase their latest flight of fancy until they find something new to covet, and then you're old news. And once they're bored with you, you get put on a shelf like a trophy or thrown out with the trash."

That's when I realized who was speaking; Aphrodite.

I furrowed my brow. "You're wrong," I said.

She chuckled haughtily. "Oh really? He hasn't been to bed with you in some time, has he?"

I imagined myself glaring up at her, though I knew the voice came from within. "Your definition of love must be limited to sex," I mused. I stood to face her. "You have been raped, trafficked, used up, abandoned and publicly humiliated. You were nothing more than a toy for Zeus to pass around as he pleased, and the one time you had a fulfilling relationship (with Ares), you were made into a spectacle and reviled."

"Watch your tone, bitch," she snarled. "I am the titan of love and beauty."

I scoffed. "Love and beauty, my ass! All you know is how you were treated; like something disposable. And that's precisely how you treat others now, projecting your insecurity and anxious attachment all over the place when all it does is isolate you."

"Isolate me from whom? People who would use me and discard me? That's called self defense."

"Those are not the same thing!" I shouted. "Don't you dare conflate the two; I lived in a cage long enough to know the difference!"

The battle went on in my heart all day today, muddling through with the last of my menstrual cycle. I don't even have enough money to get gas, so I waited at home for Fortitude to come help me fill my tank. I thanked him, of course. I feel bad that I'm this low on funds.

Fortitude has been distant and mopey, and not without reason; his team at work has been suspended, and so he isn't drawing a paycheck. He's put in applications, but the waiting has him anxious and depressed. I've been trying to help, to be kind, to be soft. To not demand too much. But I asked him after dinner if I could clear his place for him, and he began getting defensive. He lost his patience and snapped at me.

I left without saying goodnight. I needed to drive, to go play courier and get away from the need to initiate a fight neither of us had the energy for.

"He needs to apologize," Aphrodite hissed in my ear.

"Are you actually offended on my behalf, or do you just need someone to be mad at?" I asked.

"He clearly needs a lesson in respect."

"Oh for fuck's sake," I growled. "He's exhausted, depressed, and anxious. He needs grace is what he needs."

"And why would he deserve that?"

"Because he does the work!" I snapped. She was quiet for a moment, and that just allowed me to go on. "Do you not see everything he does? Everything Phobetor does? They want me to heal and grow. It's not just about validating me and satisfying my physical needs, you twit." I licked my lips and thought for a moment. "Do you know why Phobetor works so hard to make sure I process these things you and I are dealing with?"

"No."

"Because I was the one person who chose to love him and all that he represents. I was the one to show him he wasn't just the monster under the bed. And he knows that I want to love him to the best of my abilities, and I can't do that while you're constantly pushing these expectations on him."

"My expectations aren't unreasonable."

"Oh, they absolutely are. You think of sex and affection as love because that's all that has mattered to anyone you've been with. And as a result, you think of love as transient, fragile, and impermanent. It's also why you conflate beauty with pain and perpetuate these ridiculous notions that were forced upon you by insolent children. Nobody has actually done the work to prove they loved you, not as a goddess, but as a person. My lovers do. And now you are lonely and bitter and spiteful and isolated, and you're trying to isolate me too."

She stared at me for a long time while I caught my breath. Then she shifted her gaze to her feet. "I can't do this anymore, Hope."

"Oh, now you can't do it anymore. Now that I've called you out for it all."

She frowned at me. "Don't tell me you're going to put up with this out of some weird need to punish me."

I sighed. "What's the point? After all, this has been your existence for thousands of years. It's not a punishment if it doesn't correct anything."

She nodded. "You're right. I hate that you're right."

And suddenly, the resentment and anxiety were gone, as if they'd been ripped out of my belly. I spent the next hour feeling like I'd been eviscerated, but emotionally I was much calmer than before. Something tells me I'll be dealing with this again soon, but at least I have a few stars on standby for when it does happen.

Until then... I need a nap.

[spacecadetspe]

Feb. 12, 2025

Why is it that I always seem to put off journaling until there's too much to talk about in one sitting? I love the storytelling of it all, but it does get long-winded, doesn't it?

Athena's punishment for Dimitrios seemed fitting; the resurrection and rehabilitation of two titans, Coeus and Dione. I had asked her to talk to Hades about this, knowing that their relationship is strained, because frankly it's exhausting being in the middle.

But, as I had anticipated, nothing went to plan.

Soon after the fiasco with Demeter died down, Athena's right hand, Pallas, came to collect him. He put an enchanted bangle on the pastry chef's wrist, which could be extended into the chains that symbolized the number of steps his penance would entail. And with that, Dimitrios got to work repairing the minds capes of the two titans.

There were few rules to the punishment, and I reminded Dimitrios that he could ask for help, which he soon did. Five thousand of his siblings and half-siblings came rushing to his aid when he called, which caused the titans' mindscapes to collapse in on themselves. I was awoken to the bustling of the infirmary, the shouting for more beds and liters of blood. An extraction team was sent in to stabilize the remainder of the area and rescue those in it, and I pulled Dimitrios and Demeter out myself.

Hades and Zagreus met me as I came back from the job, and I rather irritably asked Hades if he'd had that conversation with Athena as I had asked.

"Well," Hades said, a bit sheepishly, "there was a conversation, though it was not as long as I anticipated."

I sighed and turned to look at Athena, who had made herself welcome. "You told me you'd discuss this properly," I reminded her.

She shrugged. "I said what I thought needed to be said." She straightened, tried to make herself look authoritative. "Now that this happened, I should ask who is going to go in Dimitrios' place?"

Entitled brat. "Do you know what mortals do when a mine collapses?"

"No."

"They shut down the mine until someone comes in to stabilize it," I informed her. "That is, if anyone stabilizes it at all."

"I see no reason why work should not continue."

I turned away. "Walk with me." I had them follow me to the conference room.

Zagreus immediately flopped into a chair and sprawled his chest and arms across the table, exhausted.

I looked at Hades. "What's the matter with him?"

He cut his eye at me. "A certain someone told me to delegate my tasks for the benefit of my health." Me. I did that.

I sighed, shut the doors and promptly turned on Athena. "First and foremost, that mindscape is a war zone. I am not going to assign any of my people the role of paying penance on Dimitrios' behalf because you want work to continue."

"What's the first rule of leadership?" Athena asked coyly.

I stared at her for a moment. "Never order someone to do something you wouldn't do yourself."

"Delegate," she said. "You can always delegate someone to the task."

I was already losing my patience. "There are too many safety issues for me to issue that kind of command with any plausible deniability." I took a breath. "That being said, if you were to find a volunteer, I would allow them to work in his place." I leaned in and pressed my hands to the table's surface. "You want me to risk my people for your pet project under unsafe conditions as it is. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice."

Athena frowned. "Then who is going to do the work?"

I frowned right back. "There's no legitimate reason for me to push my team to continue with this many casualties. You can wait a week for them to recover, or the project ceases, effective immediately."

I turned to Hades. "Where are Coeus and Dione?" I asked.

He glanced up at me. "Why?"

"Because you have their souls. If they don't have bodies to return to, then repairing their minds won't do anything."

Hades bobbed his head as if this were true, dark hair shifting across his eye patch. "Somewhere in Tartarus. Their pieces are scattered across a wide area, to prevent them from reintegrating." His eye met my gaze again. "In order to revive them, you'll need a certain ritual and titan blood."

"Where would I find that?" I asked.

"You know Prometheus, don't you?" Athena asked.

"Yes... He's out in (town to the west of my area). He has a factory out there."

"You could ask him."

I shook my head. "I doubt he would give his blood for an Olympian."

Athena folded her hands on the table. "But he'd give some for his daughter." She meant my aspect, Elpis, who was Prometheus' final creation before his incarceration in Tartarus.

I shook my head. "That's dirty pool. Considering what Zeus did to both of us, I'm certain he would refuse."

"Well surely you know someone."

I sighed, but lowered my gaze in thought. Then I looked up at Hades. Was Aphrodite a titan?

He didn't answer. Instead, he drew out his bident and snapped a small piece off to use as a dagger.

I turned myself into Aphrodite and took a moment to look down at myself. "I'm not sure how I feel about this," I muttered.

Zag peeked up at me over the tops of his arms. "Now that is a sight that will get one going in the morning."

"Zagreus..." Hades chided. He gestured at me for my hand.

I offered him my hand. He cut a slice across my palm and began to collect my blood in a jar that (for some reason) he'd had hidden in his robes. He went on a bit about my using all of it, but I reminded him he should test it first to see if it would actually work. He pulled out a piece of titan flesh (again, WHY?) and put a drop on it. It started growing fresh sinew. So I guess I had my answer.

Zagreus gave me a key with an inscription on it to use as the ritual. "Live again to fight again."

My walks into Tartarus have been relatively uneventful. The chthonic gods warned me that I'd have to fight off shades and resist the corruption of the place, but it doesn't seem to bother me. So long as I didn't cause an uproar, I'd be within my rights to revive those two. Or maybe even if I did cause one, considering Hades was giving me carte blanche for a bit.

I started with Coeus' feet and worked my way up. As anticipated, the limb came back to life and started hopping about, looking for the next section of the body. Piece by piece, drop by drop, I reassembled the titans and had them forswear their vengeance on Olympus, with the promise of life and eventual freedom. The oath was sworn on the Reckoning of the Ages, and the binding of the contract broke several of my chakras. And this was all planned-for, mind you. So I'm doing this at a personal expense.

After that, it was simple; take the titans to the Forge. I called Athena and Demeter to join us there, and together we went in. Of course they mistook my star for a demon or another titan, but I assured them he would do them no serious harm.

Sinmara insisted I repair my own chakras, since she and Surtr had work to do. She accused me of "allowing myself" to break down because of the damage instead of tending to it regularly. I made the point that I hadn't been to the Forge in months, and that was clearly an improvement over attending every week. I swear, she acts like she's my mom sometimes. Can't say I blame her.

While they were purging, two things happened. First and more pleasant, was the issue of who would be replacing Dimitrios while he was convalescing and finishing his penance. My first thought was Tajimamori, the Japanese Kami of sweets, who had served as a judge that had favored my cooking in a contest with an astral guide known as the Chef.

If anything, Tajimamori's team's cooking was more regimented and fluid than Dimitrios, which stunned everyone. He mentioned that everyone seemed to be more relaxed here, and I admitted it was because of their leadership. He understood better when I revealed myself as Ukemochi. He also realized why I hadn't contacted the moon Kami Tsukuyomi for his favor. I was fortunate enough to have tea with him, and packed him a few fried pies to share with his underlings.

The second thing to happen was that Athena approached me. She was frazzled, exhausted, and even her hair was still a bit crispy from the fires. She warned me that she would need to get Demeter out of the Forge because she knew Dimitrios had done something (she wasn't sure what, exactly) to her mind. I told her basically the same thing I told Demeter: that the object of the exercise was to give Dimitrios less fuel for his fire. It was the only way she would properly heal; by using the misery Dimitrios put her through as incentive to improve.

"I underestimated you," Athena said. "You're far more crafty than I gave you credit for."

"I get that a lot," I replied. I sat down with her. "I suppose I should ask, since I've given you the benefit of any doubt for long enough, what you plan on using those titans for."

Athena tried to explain that she wanted to use the two of them as proxies to surpass the Divine Flame. I had a bit of an internal chuckle, but again I warned her, "That's not going to work out how you want it to." The last time someone tried to surpass the Rainbow Fire, they nearly turned the Dream World into Muspelheim. "You remember how I destroyed Olympus," I said. "It could look like that again, entirely without my help."

Meanwhile, Dimitrios discovered how he could remotely control Coeus and Dione while they were asleep. I warned him not to share this with anyone, but Athena found out anyway.

"How can you have someone like this on your team?" she asked, as if I'd hurt her somehow.

"Athena, all Oneiroi are capable of this."

Her hurt turned to surprise. "They are?"

I nodded. "Yes. That's why they're not allowed in waking minds. Too many ethical dilemmas regarding autonomy." I sat back. "But you know, if you wanted, I could guide you through the Mystery of the Fire of Olympus, so that you are more grounded, and not as likely to lose your mind."

She accepted, with the stipulation that she use the kykeon as the instigator for the Mystery. I had to shake my head at that, but whatever. Let her have her crutch, for now.

While in the Mystery, Athena came face to face with Betelgeuse, the Warrior of the Ages. BG offered her a contract, and as incentive, she gave Athena a roulette where she could choose a weapon to take back with her. The problem was that all of the weapons were as hot and as heavy as a Star. Obviously.

The next day, I led her through one of her doors, and showed her that letting go of the control she so desired would give her more strength to wield the weapon BG gave her. Unfortunately, this only galvanized her in continuing her plan. She contacted Dimitrios and set new boundaries on his penance.

Within another 24 hours, she drank a full cask of the kykeon and started a march to the front of the infinite processional. I wouldn't have that; it would break reality and put the Dream World at risk. Instead, I led her to Mother's Sanctuary for the astral guides and let her live out the idea in her mind, relieving the titans of their burden, and her control. It shames me to think she sees them as lesser beings that are meant solely for her control; playthings.

Perhaps Hades was right, and I run the risk of her becoming another like Odin. But... if she listens... maybe I can circumvent that.

[spacecadetspe]

Jan. 30, 2025

I finally, finally understand what was happening to me. Not that it hasn't happened before; it just hasn't been like this. Another aspect has been emerging for the past couple months, one that has been fixated on guilt. Phobetor, gods bless him, has been trying to encourage that aspect to come forward so that it doesn't keep trying to hurt me, using tactics both to engage her and soothe me, at varying intervals.

Honestly at the time it felt like he was sending mixed signals; trying to make me feel guilty, but also not wanting me to punish myself for what was happening.

Then, on Saturday, I missed my student recital, where I was supposed to accompany one of my students. I was hanging out with W and his friend and lost track of time, and had a meltdown so severe I sank to the floor and began hammering at my head in shame. W was confused, but went to work cleaning up and taking care of the minutiae while I recovered. Fortitude helped me up and took me to bed, and had me tap out some EMDR until the aspect came free.

It felt like the strings binding me had been cut. I was boneless and weak, and my thoughts seemed to go completely blank. I suspected at the time she was one of the aspects formed during my life as Julie d'Aubigny, who fasted herself to starvation after the death of her lover at age 33.

I tried to recover over the weekend, despite severe abdominal pain, and was able to properly rectify things with my boss Monday evening. Thankfully the student I was to accompany had been absent due to illness, but I vowed not to let this happen again.

In the meantime, I've been counseling Demeter, trying to get her to understand the course of action I'm planning to take regarding Dimitrios' commandeering her mindscape. She said he was "leading her through every door of misery" in her mind, so I suggested she process those things so he'd have less ammunition against him.

I asked her what she thought dream spirits do, and she told me they were messengers for the gods to use upon mortals. How short-sighted. She only sees a fraction of their value, which is why she's in this position in the first place. But she doesn't trust them, purely because of what Dimitrios did. To an extent, this is fair, but it took me telling her that what she's doing isn't working for her to realize she's not getting out of this the way she came in.

I fed her shakshuka in the morning, and she hesitantly tried it out. Athena joined us and ate heartily, and informed Demeter that she would eventually be joining Dimitrios in processing the minds of those titans. I had to remind Athena to go talk to Hades about that, which got me some whining, but honestly I don't want this to be another potential bone of contention for the family. Athena wasn't so keen on it, but I gave her a stifado recipe that Hades used to love.

"I don't know how I feel about bribing the Lord of the Dead," she said.

"I never said bribe him," I corrected. "I said put him in a better mood." And hey, it might not work, but I offered Hades a failsafe if she does manage to convince him to release those souls; that I would have to purify them the way I purified Arke and Typhon before they made it out of the Underworld. It's at personal cost, and it will hurt me... so I'm hoping the two of them understand the weight they will have to shoulder once I've made that sacrifice. When I purified Arke, it broke all my chakras. I can't say I'm looking forward to that again.

In other news, the Oneiroi have begun processing another part of my psyche; one regarding object permanence. It went a bit like this:

After my guilty aspect emerged and I was started on my healing process, I was guided to a room where one of them lay; tall, statuesque, naked and fully erect. I was invited to join him for some fun, but problems soon arose. He was well-endowed, but... ill-fitted to my body. I wanted more, but I could not accommodate him. Not only that, my stitches strained under the effort. After a short time, he set me aside, got up, and gestured to two younger oneiroi (or maybe dreamlings) in the room, who I had not noticed before, and said "You two finish this." I objected, of course. These individuals couldn't possibly be what I needed; they were children!

I woke up angry, frustrated, and sore throughout. It wasn't until later the following afternoon that I realized that treatment like this was what had resulted in my roller-coaster neediness. I was treating love and affection as if they were impermanent in my life, because at some point, they had been. And as much as I wanted to cry party foul to Phantasos, processing this was a much-needed step in my mental wellness.

I'm probably going to have a few more of those, where I feel left-out and neglected. I hope Phantasos and Phobetor will bear with me through it. I don't want to assume the worst in my lovers just because I've been shoved to the side when I needed to be held.

R says it probably wasn't just a single instance that led to this, but many times. That means this isn't going to be a one-time deal. I guess I should settle in for the remainder.

[spacecadetspe]

Jan. 22, 2024

It has been a long and somewhat trying couple weeks. I have been trying very hard to keep to myself, keep out of trouble, and not spend too much money. Unfortunately, bottling all that anxiety up only led me to a breakdown.

Part of the problem is that I still attribute to empathy what should obviously have been projection. I thought what was needed of me was to mind my own business and not try to care, pester, badger Fortitude for things I needed. I thought he didn't want them, when the truth was far simpler. He's tired. I have wants and needs that I feel guilty about trying to fulfill with him because of his chronic pain and fatigue.

So... for a while, I just tried not existing. I didn't look for work, I didn't do much of anything worthwhile... and I stopped eating. If I'm not going to exist, then my imprint on the whole should be significantly lessened.

But of course, the anxiety didn't go away. In fact, it got worse. And again, I felt unloved. Not because it was true, but because I was not committed to loving myself, i.e., asking for what I needed.

Not only that, but I've been well aware of Phobetor's absence as of late. In his stead, an oneiros of similar height and bearing comes to me, usually to sequester me from other eyes and meddle with my endorphins until I'm addicted to his touch. His name is Orgeios (pro. "Orgos"), for somewhat obvious reasons. A dream spirit associated with sensual pleasures.

But instead of aiding my touch-starvation, the idea of having Orgeios as a stand-in for my consort irked me. It felt like I had been tricked, and that Phobetor might just be avoiding me. I wasn't in this relationship for a consolation prize.

And with my moon approaching, my emotions came to a head.

Since then, it seems like everyone has had a bit of a come-apart. W spent most of last week with me, and spent as many daylight hours as possible with a boy close to his age who lives in our neighborhood. Unfortunately, this neighbor kid also has some baggage, and told W about different times when his mother had kidnapped him, been a neglectful alcoholic, and he had wound up in foster care as a result.

The prospect of him leaving or being taken away set W on edge, and he became deeply paranoid that any conceivable slight would result in their friendship being torn apart. He had about three panic attacks in a single Saturday. And the following day, he nearly had another one because his friend was pressing him to go out in the cold to go fishing.

But no one expected the neighbor boy to be the one to have the last breakdown. He and W went fishing, eventually, but before they made it to the pond, the boy broke down because nothing was going according to his plan. I understand where he's coming from; growing up having to roll with the punches, and not having any stability, one craves control over their environment. I asked W to have some grace with him, but we'll just have to see how it goes.

Phobetor did come see me two nights ago to make sure I was eating, and he was helping me keep some small flying insects away from my bowl. I'll admit to hovering over my food like a prisoner, trying to keep them away.

When I sat up, I had the presence of mind to ask him if I had driven him away, and what I might have done to push him to avoid me. He chuckled and told me I had been quite forward toward him in public, on a night I can't remember, and could not be stopped when he rejected my advances.

I felt my face go pale, and I leaped out of bed and made a dash for the toilet. Well... there went my breakfast.

Phobetor followed me across my suite and waited for me outside the bathroom for me to finish emptying my stomach. When I slouched back down on the tile floor, he angled his face toward the door.

"I know you didn't mean it, Hope," he said. "You were never one to demand others service you... to the point of removing their autonomy." He stepped into the bathroom and crouched beside me, and stroked my hair back from the nape of my neck. "This is precisely why you shouldn't keep your desires bottled up. You become someone else- someone more desperate, more unfeeling- when you suppress your true nature." He sighed. "Even now, I can feel you, ready to push me away because of the guilt. But that's all it is."

I nodded, and at last he pulled me in and let me rest my head on his chest.

The last of the news is the biggest, I think.

I may or may not have mentioned Dimitrios, the pâtissièr for the Dream Castle's kitchens. His name is a devotion to the goddess Demeter, with whom he has a terrible history. When he was a boy, he spilled a glass of her kykeon; her favorite drink, and a beverage meant to invoke the mysteries. According to what I was told, Demeter did not have consistent access to the mysteries (probably due to her generally unpleasant demeanor), and quickly became a fan of kykeon as a crutch. That being said, when young Dimitrios spilled her glass, she became enraged and dragged him to the kitchens to make her a fresh one. Every time he offered her an unpalatable cup, she whipped his hands and had him make another one, growing more drunk and belligerent as the hours passed.

To this day, Dimitrios makes better kykeon than anyone in the pantheon.

We got a notice that Demeter had been invited to dine in our banquet hall. Vassilios told me that the message had come from Morpheus, so it was my intention to let the whole thing just blow over without a fuss. I don't like her, but she wasn't my guest, so my job was just to keep her from hurting my people again and otherwise stay out of the way.

I took Dimitrios aside, since he was the one I thought would be the most affected by her visit. I tried to calm him down and reassure him that she wasn't going to be a problem.

I was about to be surprised.

Demeter recognized him from the scars on his hands and arms, said the meal was adequate, and that the kykeon was finally the way she expected of him, and that he had finally grown to deserve his name. That was about the time when the kykeon started to take effect.

Her aura started to go haywire; the weather went from blisteringly hot to frigid in moments. Her eyes started changing colors. Her retinue began to panic.

All eyes turned to Dimitrios.

I took charge. I called the maître d', Lucas, and had him house the members of her party. Njorun took Demeter to the infirmary. And I took Dimitrios to my chambers.

He was scared. Of course he was. He just drugged his namesake, his abuser, until she was helpless. In spite of that, I told him he'd fought to get his dignity back, and I was proud of him for that. We could deal with whatever the fallout was, but he was finally confronting all the nastiness that had built him up to what he became as an adult. he had become obsessive and exacting... and unkind to himself.

"I never abused the children in my charge," he said, as if trying to defend himself.

I rolled my eyes. "You lost your hair," I pointed out. The strain of trying to be absolutely above reproach had taken a monumental toll on him.

"Most of it," he agreed with a nod. "I owe Beni an apology."

The only punishment I had for him was to have him process his scars, EMDR style. He'd relive them as if they were fresh... and then he would never have to relive them again.

Cassia had a fit. Told him he was selfish and reckless. True to form, Dimitrios vowed to address the issue, but he needed to speak with Benizelos.

He found Beni outside on the roof, smoking and drinking a bottle of wine. They talked like brothers for the first time in millennia. Dimitrios apologized. Beni had learned to forgive him ages before. And just like that, Dimitrios broke down.

I handed a bottle to Cassia and made her go outside with them.

In the morning, she gathered the kitchen staff in the conference room to figure out what to do in the interim. My part was to convene with Queen Athena, hoping she wouldn't have to hear the nastiness from someone else.

She already knew it was something to do with Demeter because the weather was acting crazy. But when I told her what happened, she just snickered. Apparently Demeter has a reputation as a "miserable old hag" among the Olympians, but as sovereign, Athena was required to demand retribution. Thankfully, she had something fitting in mind.

"The mind of a titan," she said. "A pastime of mine; if this lone wolf of yours can repair it, perhaps I can find a use for it, and we'll be square."

Perfect. And I vowed to process Demeter. After all... it's the least I can do.

[spacecadetspe]

Jan. 5, 2025

I have been having vivid dreams lately, and it's not always pleasant. Two nights ago, it was about getting carjacked in X's old Cartier edition Lincoln. A woman got into the driver's seat while I was the passenger and distracted by my phone.

"I drive, yes?" she asked in a heavy accent. And embarrassingly enough, it took me all day to realize it was Greek. Again.

"What? No!" I said, startled. I rotated so that my back was against the door.

"Yes, I drive now."

"No! No, you can't!" I had no idea where she would take me, so I flung open the door and scrambled out, and then in front of the car to try to keep her from leaving. When I did, a man got in the passenger seat and shut the door, and the two of them peeled off in the stolen car.

What... the fuck?

I was lethargic and listless all day Saturday, and W started showing signs of it too. He and his friend went out to play, but they came back frequently to rest. My son's energy was flagging, and continued to decrease through the weekend.

That night, last night, I had another dream; a skeletal figure killing me repeatedly. Not stabbing. Not shooting. Killing. I'd die, reincarnate, and die again.

And I felt... nothing. I wished I could have some kind of rest. It didn't hurt at all, but it felt endless, as if even standing up was too much of an effort anymore. There was no point. I was just going to die again.

I spent all day today listening to "Sayonara Subarashiki Sekai Yo," over and over and over, realizing with perfect clarity what it meant. I felt like saying goodbye to everything because it was fading and turning grey inside me. And it wasn't fair to let myself completely succumb to the darkness. So I had to love this place enough to say goodbye to it.

I had a saving grace, though. My mom called me and invited us to spend the day with her, doing puzzles and eating take-out. I organized all her receipts from the past year. W watched "Delicious in Dungeon" and we had hot tea and boba mochi to stave off his oncoming cold. And at least during that time, I felt more clear. I had reasons to stay.

But when I took W back to his dad, that grey fog that muted all my emotions floated over me again. I went home, took in my new pajamas and boba mochi and packets of herbal tea, and sat down to a diamond painting that I've been neglecting for over a year. It's nearly half finished now; a mosaic of Santorini.

Phobetor showed up as if on cue. "Troubled again, I see."

"Yeah." I put a few more crystals in their places. "Phobetor... have you ever thought about dying? You know... I know you're a god, but have you ever considered doing it?"

"Of course." The answer was immediate.

"How do you keep going?" I asked. "What stopped you?"

He shot me a surprised look, but seemed to consider me before delivering his answer. "You did." Not just me, the person. Not just me, the goddess. Hope. That infinite concept, braver than any other. Stalwart, he calls it while peeping over my shoulder.

"Do you think it keeps Fortitude going, too?" I asked.

He watched me a few moments longer, the awe lingering in his face until his brow creased. "Oh, Hope," he sighed sympathetically.

That gentlest of sounds broke something inside me, and I started crying softly at the kitchen table.

Phobetor got up from his chair and pulled my head against his diaphragm to let me cry. "I'm sure you do." He petted my hair, but didn't shush me. He understands better than most that you have to let tears fall before the ache fades.

I'm pretty sure the reason i carried that around with me all day was because something in me wasn't completing the processing from last night. It was the crying, the letting go, that did it.

Phobetor said he'd talk to Fortitude, but promised not to stay away; a promise he's kept. <3