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So if I kill myself because of dysphoria what then? is it still considered a hate crime

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I think I'm scared of myself

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I forgot how much I love the sight of blood

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Getting so bad I'm listening to less music 2500-3200 mins a week to 1700

I'm done for guys, the one thing

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What's the point if you won't even look at me

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Me bc I can't sleep without him

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I genuinely think I'm getting closer to being actually agoraphobic.

staying home is easier. I can barely get up anymore. I want to stay here. I hate here. I don't want to be here.

Have to get dragged out every day, 11 alarms just to almost miss my bus. Keep forgetting to take my med. Can't even make anything because it takes me months.

I don't have motivation.

I've lost it.

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Its not even summer yet

I'm already irritable and bitchy and every emotion is worse.

The summer rash is back

Can't take or make jokes

want to stay in the hole

Stay high and lonely

Pretend they're all still good and this is just a nightmare

Want to go home and not touch the sun till it's the freezing yellow of winter where then atleast I can eat and not be judged for being fat, wear all my layers and freeze while wearing a hoodie

don't think I should still be around

Not a problem that I am but then their would be no ties within those people

The adults wouldn't be burdened anymore

No one has to pretend they believed I was trans

die with the wrong name

just want to stay in my hole

Want my bed and weighted blanket and all the stupid plushies on my bed

Want my mom and an adult who wants me

Want people who aren't forced to be friends with me

Want nobody if that's the only reason they stay

Want out.

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I think I enjoy the feeling of hopelessness

I think this is what he wanted, he told me I had no friends for years, he told me I have no family. I have nothing that is mine. I never will.

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I love seeing everyone around me become more and more disconnected from me and it's my fault, but sometimes I wonder if any of these people actually ever liked me in the first place or I was just a pity friend because I was friends with someone else. I think that's how it is for most people I'm friends with right now, most of them are only friends with me because of my boyfriend or because of class, I don't really have anyone I feel like I can reach out to without it being weird or out of the blue, all my friendships from last year have faded from a vibrant rainbow to pastels, from a beautiful midnight navy to a baby blue, from the brightness of the sun to the dullness of the ocean.

It's all almost gone, I know my future, why did I ever try to stop it?

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Bro I say sum corny ass shit💔

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I think everyone in my life hates me but I have to remind myself it's genuinely my fault. Its completely my fault, it's always been my fault. People have tried to reach out yet I still find some excuse or I'm not allowed out. I wanna see my friends but I don't want other people to be mad at me, I don't wanna lose friends because of others. I'm gonna keep playing it safe by hanging out with one person and isolating because I want everyone to stay safe.

Me when I'm probably developing agoraphobia💜

(Im aware it's probably just bad social anxiety but it's ironic the way I've been like this and it took me 4 years to hangout on weekends or not consecutively after other things/school frequently)

I fucking hate people and the last person I actually became friends with was a 13 year old, that was like a year ago. I'm starting to become friends w other people but ones kinda forced💔 or just people in my classes I see once a day.

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All I wanted today was my boyfriend

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I want my mom, but I can't ever fucking have what I want, can I? Doomed to be a mama's boy forced to have no women or male adults in my life I can tell everything to.

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You ever spend so much time hating yourself you start hating other people and then realize that 'oh I don't really need to be doing that, the whole hating other people thing' and you're like wait what is wrong with me maybe I should just kill myself?

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