spillurgutsblog

[spillurgutsblog]

Here we go again

Relapsing but I feel good about it. I want it back.

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Today

today was good. I was productive. Destructive yet productive.

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EVER WANT TO JUST NOT?

some days I wake up and wish I didn't.

some days I wake up and the only thing that gets me up is the thought of getting back to my bed that night.

but thats not fair

its not fair to myself 

I owe it to myself to get up

to get up and do best by myself

but sometimes when you don't care about yourself

it can be difficult to do anything right.

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Who am I? What am I?

Do i need an answer.... Is there an answer. Is there a label that fits my being? Who do I owe an explanation? 

fucking no one.

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My head hurts

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I wish ignoring something made it disappear

but it doesn't. Its like trying to bury something. if you bury a bulb it won't be seen for a while until it starts to grow. it builds and builds and builds. 

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Unloved

do you ever feel unloved, unloveable,

even unlikable.

the only people who like you only like you because youre playing a character.

not that youre nessisarily being "fake" but you just know its a front

but you cant be yourself cause you dont know who or what that actually is...

you know when people just give you that look of like what

that has to be the most defeating look you can ever recieve

what?are?you?doing?

i dont even know .

its that thing of the cool kids think youre weird but the weird kids think youre cool

the fat girls think youre skinny but the skinny girls think youre fat you dont have a side or a place to fit in,

you dont have that mutual understanding,

you just dont have anything really,

all you have is yourself but who even are you???

My mam said something once that kind of shattered my heart to pieces

from what i gather there was a man she thought she would end up with but obviously didnt and ended up with my dad. 

i feel she resents him for that. and me in a way...

i know she loves me and would be heartbroken to think i thought this way but i do think she has this nigely feeling that her life couldve been so different and for the better.

once i told her if she had married another man she  wouldnt have

me or my sister,

she disagreed and said she would just with another man...i could feel my heart start to sink a little ...

i replied with some sort of statement about how it woulkdnt reslly be me, because i obviously inherited parts from each of my parents.

she sighed and kind of longingly said 

yeah but id have other children.

at that point my herart plummated to the veruy bottom of my stommach. 

see what i mean?

i feel like there is not one person in this world that would or could love me

love every single part of me.

give me hugs and kisses without it feeling like a chore.

look at me and not will anything to change,

inside or out.

.accept my poor mental health and how i deal woth it

accept my stubborness and moodyness.

my lack of self confidence but sky high ego.

in a way i guess id nearly judge someone for loving me,

im not really a good person.

i think i want to be a good person but it never really rains through.

i may have good intentions but what are my motives?

i don't know.

today a guy in my course gave me that look.

 a look that i dread.

the what are you doing look.

today that kind of pusherd me over the edge .

my morning started with feeling absolutely massive,

it rolled onto eating shit food,

then onto period tummy ,

anxiety tummy,

and bad food tummy.

recently ive been allowing other peoples opinions of me hold way too much weight in my life.

for a little while i had my priorities straight.

i may not have gotten things right 100% of the time but i was definatley trying.

ive been feeling pretty low recently 

not always, its a bit of a rollercoaster .

this morning i thought of a concept that hadnt crossed my mind in a long time....

being nice to myself

fuck the world, the world is always gonna let you down 

rely on yourself and only yourself

make freinds and value their opinion but when it comes to opinions and relationships

the absolute most important relationship in your whole life is your own.

when you think about life and the weird yet wonderful journey it is and can be you have to look at it objectively

there is no cheat code to life

nor is there a cheat code to anything 

the thing to cement firmly in your head is this world that we live in

its unnatural 

everything we do on a daily basis everything we think we know or think we feel

its all a man made concept ...

there is no right or wrong answers .

there is no one way to do anything.

there are no rules you are obligated to live by.

yes laws have been developed but whos to say wheather theyre right or wrong

is there even a right or wrong?

i truely believe to live a life i will be satisfied with i need to outline my main objectives of life.

what is important to me?

from there all i need to do is figure out how to achieve these objectives in a fulfilling and satisfying manner.

as Alfie Deyes says "do more of what makes you happy"

and that 

that is the cheat code to MY life.

it may no be yours

but its most definately mine.

What makwes me feel good?

then do it

wear what makes me feel good 

eat what makes me feel good

move in a way that feels good

create what makes me feel good

dont sell yourself away

dont crave external validation

youre the one driving your own life.

you can do whatever the fuck you want 

the only way to do so is put yourself first.

i think i found the opening months of college conflicting

i didnt want to be left behind to i plasterd on that version of me that i present to people to pretend im happy and bubbley 

and i began acting

again

not to say i was faking who i am 

because i dont know who i am

i just did all i know how to do and thats that

but im starting to slip

slip fast

and hard

i hope it doesnt last