staritt0

[staritt0]

counting

i count each breath.

not because i’m afraid of when i’ll stop,

but because each one feels like a gift.

i don’t take the rise and fall of my chest for granted anymore.

the light hits my bed every morning,

soft, golden, warm.

it feels like it’s saying,

“you made it another day.”

and i sit in it. let it soak into my skin.

the little things are louder now—

the hum of the fridge, the crinkle of paper,

the way people laugh when they think no one is watching.

it’s like living in a symphony i didn’t know i was part of.

every goodbye feels heavier,

like a door i might not get to open again.

but that weight makes me hold on tighter—

to people, to memories, to myself.

it’s not all poetic, though.

sometimes it’s bitter, sharp, unfair.

the ache in my chest reminds me of what i’ll miss.

there are days i don’t want to smile at the sun.

there are days i want to scream at it instead.

but even then, i find myself noticing—

the smell of rain on the pavement,

the way the wind brushes through the trees,

the endless, delicate details of being.

dying doesn’t feel like an end to me anymore.

it feels like being cracked open,

so wide and raw,

that i finally see the world for what it is.

beautiful.

fragile.

enough.

[staritt0]

Did anyone actually benefit from learning recorder? All I got was a half deaf ear and another possible way to summon Bill Cipher.

[staritt0]

I went to a street festival a while ago. I bought a bag of Doritos, stood in the middle of a large crowd amd screamed “my ex wife still misses me.” Half the crowd turned to me and screamed back “but her aim is getting better!” A guy next to me, around 16 or 17, calmly points to the Doritos in my hand, and yells, “all hail Bill cipher, the evil dorito demon.” I have never seen so many collective smiles.

[staritt0]

I’m not distant because I’m pulling away. I’m distant becasue I’m scared to get too close.

I’m not weird with your friends because I don’t like them, I’m weird because if I lose you I’ll lose them.

When I don’t believe you when you tell me I’m beautiful, it’s not because I am looking for compliments. It’s because I actually don’t think so.

When you tell me you love me and I hesitate, it’s not becasue I don’t love you too, it’s because I’m scared to let myself be loved.

When I am closed off with my feelings, it’s cuz I’m shutting myself off, it’s because I’m scared to upset you if I’m not okay.

The truth is, I want to talk to you every second of the day, I want your friends to be my friends, I want to believe you when you compliment me, I want to tell you I love you without doubting you love me back, and I want to tell you about the crappy day I had. I’m just scared I’ll scare you away and I’ll lose all that.

[staritt0]

Imagine waking up and seeing the text they sent with the heart and the sweet good morning.

Imagine going to bed, texting a good night and receiving an “I love you” in return.

Imagine crying and them wiping the tears away with a thumb and kissing your nose gently.

Imagine talking to someone when they surprise hug you out of nowhere.

Imagine rolling over and the first thing you see is their face, peacefully sleeping.

Imagine quick kisses out the door and passionate kisses when they miss you.

Did you picture someone? Did you imagine?