starofthewolf

[starofthewolf]

My job is to support others…not to be supported.

[starofthewolf]

Dark Pathways

Are you a man or a monster?

When you look at yourself, are you a man or a monster?

You can't take back the damage you've done

Oh, you can hide, but you can't run

No, you can't take back the damage you've done

Afraid of what you might become

A man or a monster…

Those lyrics played as I got home tonight. Reflecting what I had been feeling after a friend told me something I didn’t know earlier this evening. The way he revelation are out seemed like it was something he had been planning to say and that may have made it hurt more. I’m not sure yet. He told me that I made a really bad first impression on his now fiancé the first time we met years ago now. I said the words I’m not surprised but really I was. Along with many other “feel bad” emotions that I can’t truly put words to. He also said that he want us to be friends since I am not friends with another guy in the groups girlfriend. It’s complicated but the short version is we were friends and after they started dating I realized some things and now we are no longer friends. Not the guys fault because when I took a step back from her I realized I didn’t trust her, was deeply hurt by her, and didn’t trust myself to be friends with her. After he told me I removed myself from others and pondered these two things and my brain went down some dark roads.

First, I thought about he fights I’ve had with my dad lately. Most of them started because I got emotional or had a panic attack or some other imbalance while interacting with him. This would lead to him being upset and it feeling like that was my fault.

Then I moved on to some interactions with no my mom. No real fighting but I would try to say ‘I feel this way’ and watch her completely disregard what I said and keep pushing. Then if I pushed the idea of what I felt harder I’d get ‘I’m just trying to help but I guess I’ll just stop talking’.

Then to the new “friendships” I thought I was making. The ones who are nice enough when we share space but really don’t notice me otherwise. Who forget to tell me important things about the event we go to weekly. I had Ben so excited to have new friends. To maybe have a dance community again. But I was terribly wrong.

I also had my latest tattoo where the artist vision and mine were starting to differ at the last session. He stopped and pushed for me to tell him if I didn’t like something. I did and felt like shit for it because he changed what o wanted but didn’t charge me for that time.

At work I have had many moments lately where I thought I was doing well. Where the students o was working with were making a connection with me and I could do something good there. And some of that’s true but not too the capacity I had thought. Big positive feeling crushed and shoved into a small box.

All of this adds up to show me that I shouldn’t have strong feelings. In fact, I’m not allowed to have “big feelings” because all it does is fuck things up. I need to become less. To not push. To bury my feelings deep down and hide them from everyone. All I do is mess things up and cause problems if I’m myself. I guess I need to become someone else.

[starofthewolf]

On friendship

I’ve had many friend groups over my lifetime. Some have shifted because of spacial divides such as graduations but most have simply left me behind. They decide I am no longer supposed to be in their life so I’m not. They remove themselves without a word and I am left alone.

In the latest phase of my life I have one human who has said he’s with me forever and I tend to believe him even if the voices in my head sometimes war against that concept. This human is truly amazing but I feel guilty laying my issues at their feet. It’s not their fault I am no one’s first choice. It’s not their fault I can’t maintain healthy relationships. It’s not their fault I have anxiety, depression, and so many insecurities that I can’t name them all. I shouldn’t and try not to bother them with all the shit in my head because they deserve better then that.

Most other people I’m my life now seem to be on either a time limit or are only really there when I happen to share space with them. The former is mostly about what I can do for them. I’ve had two people come back into my life but when I said or didn’t give them what they wanted from me, in both cases a variation of flirting and teasing, both quietly slipped back out of my life. Another does the flirting but also talking about life however that one has a time limit since they have a fiancé and I am proven to be “not girlfriend safe”. At least in my experience. Another says we are friends, that I’m someone they’d always be there for yet, their actions just don’t line up. We don’t talk. They don’t remember when we’re supposed to spend time together or I’ve asked to have some face to face time, since digital communication is not their thing. So instead I get to have a person who sees me and acts like we’re close yet my heart breaks every time because I know I’m only a friend when it’s convenient for them. I have friends as work but I only see them when I’m there and since I’m a temp it’s not super consistent but it’s nice when I do.

No one ever told me that adult friendships hurt so much. Maybe what I thought when I was younger is true…maybe I truly am meant to be alone.

[starofthewolf]

Just had the fight of all fights with my father. Yelling in the road and ultimately he looked me in the eye and said “I’m done, I can’t do anything right, just do whatever you want”. We had been talking about the mailbox tht had been broken for years. But to me tht statement pretty much summed up our entire relationship. He says he wants a better relationship with me but he just walks away when it gets hard. He left tht conversation and. I left sobbing and hyperventilating. He never looked back. Today I gave up on him for the last time. The only “relationship” we can have is if he is right and I am silent and agree. God can today be over now…

[starofthewolf]

Weird passing thought…

I have a friend I care about dearly but this last visit made me question whether he has the same dedication to maintaining this relationship. I know he cares but not in the same way I had thought. Granted I know people express themselves differently and he’s only a friend who will probably never live nearby again so maybe I shouldn’t be so sensitive. Although since he’ll never live nearby it will be short visits like the last one so it’s probably what I should judge his desire to see me on right? I’m not sure but it does hurt. Yet another person I have to readjust my expectations for. I’m tired of making those mental changes. I’ve done it so often lately it shouldn’t still hurt but it does.

[starofthewolf]

I’ve come to the conclusion tht the reason I haven’t wanted to and have no desire to get married is because of my father. Tonight after having a discussion about some politics tht actually didn’t end with one of us storming out my mom asked him what he wanted for breakfast. He said his blood sugar had been 150 for three days and to just skip it. I went to make the comment tht he had his vaccine yesterday, was having some symptoms like a cough today, and tht tht probably affected his blood sugar. Not only did he cut me off before I could finish my sentence but he thru his hand up and said “enough, just enough”. He has consistently shown me how someone can literally not deal with their own angry and just turn it on those close to them. It has led me to avoid anything tht looks remotely like conflict or discussion and even makes me deeply struggle with criticism because he showed me tht disagreement means I’m wrong. Tht I should shut up, listen, and do what others tell me because they’re right and I’m wrong. Difficult to unlearn any of tht or even just to function when others have high leveled emotions.

One step in the positive is tht I’ve decided if he continues to act like an ass to me and more importantly to my mom tht it’s not okay. He may be stressed, he may not feel well, but he is not allowed to use tht to treat us like shit if he needs to be alone Thts fine but he can bloodily well use his words to articulate as much instead of being an utter douchebag and making us walk on eggshells to avoid possibly setting him off.

[starofthewolf]

[starofthewolf]

I want to not...

...hate my body.

...fight with my own thoughts.

...feel guilty for wanting to do things.

...feel guilty for not wanting to do things.

...have an anxiety attack trying to play games.

...feel like I have to fight for people’s attention.

...be scared so much.

...care what certain people think of me.

I’m trying but the constant battling on so many fronts is taking its toll.

[starofthewolf]

Why....

Starts to say a thing...

Gets interrupted.

Calls person out on them interrupting you.

Finishes saying things.

Person who interrupted gets all quiet and sullen.

Now I feel guilty for talking and saying “let me finish”.

God I hate people.

[starofthewolf]

There is something wrong with me. Almost any discussion makes me defensive or feeling like I need to defend myself in some way. A ‘friendly’ competitive game makes me feel like complete crap and as tho I’m not worthy of even playing if I can’t/don’t win. Criticism nearly always puts me into a variation of fight or flight where I want to: 1...aggressively defend myself, 2...run away/cry, or 3...begin to pick apart everything tht I did and they are saying to show myself just how horrible everything I did was and use tht as evidence I shouldn’t even try this again. This doesn’t even touch on my competitive streak where I want to...no must be good at something I like or else my brain tells me I shouldn’t bothered doing it at all.

Sometimes I just wish I could learn things and grow and...bloody talk to people without my anxiety, defense mechanisms, and self-deprecating voice constantly battling inside me to help show me how I “can’t” do the thing.

[starofthewolf]

I’m just about ready to afk and say fuck all of this shit and just bloody walk away from it all.

[starofthewolf]

Today is a weird day. A day of reflection and understanding not only a place in my world but also letting go of dreams I’ve had. Kind of a rough Sunday really.

[starofthewolf]

So...the world can bloody stop imploding now. I’m very done have things happen. All the things. No matter where I turn there is so much...everything. Work is hellish and it sounds like it is only going to get to be full of more work and be even worse. Social media is basically only full of hate and depression. At my house when one thing goes well tht apparently means something else should break or cease to function properly. Or, you know, be a potential fire hazard. Can I get off this ride now? Before I end up down a hole I can’t get out of...

[starofthewolf]

Late night musings

I lost my job on March 13th of this year. A Friday the thirteenth of all days. It’s been six months of living off my parents and silently panicking about what I was to b do with my life. See I’ve been studying, working toward, or being a teacher for close to a decade. All this upheaval combined with my own questioning of my career choice has me truly wondering if now was the time I changed everything. But at the start I had a long term substitute job lined up for the fall so I only had a small thought of real change. Then that job was said to not exist and my mind held two thoughts: grief and hope, both tinged with guilt. Grief over losing my job that I had grown to view as part of me. Hope thinking perhaps I could find a path e where work was something to do for money and could be lift at work. Guilt clouded both thoughts because I felt as though I was giving up something many people expected of me, and had helped me attain, along with losing one of the few things I felt I was good at. Teaching is hard work for me and more often then not leaves me mentally unable to see straight. I have spent days teaching with near constant panic attacks. Where my prep or lunch is spent trying to remember how to breathe and only barely making through the school day before I start crying. But it’s something I feel I can do well in spite of all of those things that threaten to break me. So my guilt remained but since everything seemed to be pointing toward me path for reasons outside my control I kept hoping something else would happen to take me somewhere new and perhaps with a more mentally stable place for me to be. Alas, that guilt-filled hope was shattered today when I was told the substitute job I thought was nonexistent turned out to be real. And it starts next week. I broke today. Couldn’t stop the tears. I’m terrified of the very thing, the only thing really, that I am good at. I feel terrible that all the plans I had made of what to do in this time of transition were completely shattered. I was suddenly bombarded and filled with the most bone-crushing anxiety I have ever felt in my life. I could, and still can, be broken by the smallest thing. Anything that goes wrong, or even just not-quite-right, has me gasping for air, crying, and in a complete attack: panic or anxiety in unsure though it feels like the worst of them both. Next Wednesday I go to training for a job that may last a month or two or could go till March and I am nearly beside myself trying to think of how I am going to compartmentalize enough to handle things. I have to show not only a strong face to students but hide it all from the staff as well. Not to mention family and friends who don’t need, not do any of them know how really, to handle it. Since I barely have a hold on how to survive through it I can’t expect someone on the outside to understand. Not to mention the fact that I now have a job when many do not and that should make me feel better. It doesn’t but it should. To take something from a series I’ve been reading I almost wish to be b a blind freman...going to the desert for all time. Not that I wish for death but rather the idea that I can’t disappoint anyone, myself included, again. That I could simply disappear and find the peace my mind and soul crave. I fear I won’t find the peace I seek because I always seem to end disappointing someone. And that someone is most often myself.

[starofthewolf]

Life update.

I’ll try to be brief...

Since this whole quarantine things a few things have happened. I’ve been out of work and my dad has been working from home. The latter has shown me I’m not so ‘indifferent’ to him as I had hoped. Rather not caring is the best I have with him. I typically have a a lot of “I hate you” types vibes and a deep desire for him to be wrong more often. Bonus: I swear by all things holy if he says I’m like again I may scream. Seeing tht tht is one of the biggest insults I can get outside of being compared to my siblings. I don’t exactly enjoy figure this out but I’m not terribly surprised. I thought I had a better handle on my emotions but yesterday simply served to support the above and prove something else I thought. See, I’ve told my mom tht my opinion doesn’t actually count which she disagrees with and says it’s important. Then yesterday we, my mom and I, were outside starting a fire to burn yard waste. My dad comes out and goes to put in a large chunck or old candle on it because “it’ll help it burn”. I tried to say I didn’t want it and was immediately, but quietly, shot down and told otherwise by my mother. I was so bloody pissed tht my dad, who puts zero time into yardwork because he has better things to do apparently, gets to come and butt in on the one semi-fun part of deconstructing the yard. I ended up going inside and getting headphones so I could attempt to keep any thoughts or opinions to myself till he left. Yet when he did leave he he apologized which had me confused at first till he explained tht he was “sorry I’m so much like him”...yeah. Thts what I wanted to hear. So not only can I not have an opinion or control over something I’m trying to do but I get compared to my dad for being mad about it. Yay...so yeah. Dealing with having him here all the damn is freakishly difficult. Add to all tht fun the no work and not knowing if I’ll even have a job later this year and feeling tht I shouldn’t bug people with the stupid problems I have with my parents because I’m an adult and shouldn’t complain. Especially since they are financially supporting me. Oh! I’ve also got not one but two fingers now tht are showing some symptoms similar to trigger finger and tht means one of my favorite activities, crocheting, is off the books for a few weeks. Because why not take the one creative outlet I enjoy alone away while I’m stressed out and mostly pissed at the world at large. Yep. So far life is going swimmingly.

[starofthewolf]

I am so fucking tired of no one hearing me.

[starofthewolf]

I just want someone to tell me I’m not terrible at something. Or tht I’m pretty. Or, you know, knock me out for a few days. Something along those lines.