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I am a poisoned candy bar, but emotionally i am perpetually miserable, I talk like a teenage girl trying to choose a prom dress, but express my energy in a methodical, calculating, and terrifying way. In love, i want a partner who is clearly a project. Before they get to know me, people perceive me as an adorable stage 5 clinger
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shitty horoscopes book ix: the body and the wreckage.
each sign rules a body part, though which part will vary depending on who you’re talking to. this volume marks a year to the inception of the shitty horoscopes series.
amrit brar (musterni), 2015
buy the zines | read them all | instagram | redbubble
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The signs crying
Serious break down anywhere at anytime: Cancer, Leo, Pisces, Sagittarius, Virgo.
You won't even know they cried: Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Libra.
Cries in a locked room and walks out like nothing happened: Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius.
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How the signs clean their room
Aries, Leo, Libra, Scorpio, Pisces: They don't
Gemini, Taurus, Virgo: Clean as they go, they find it satisfying to put everything in it's place
Capricorn, Aquarius, Cancer, Sagittarius: : They let the mess build up and have a spring clean every 2 weeks
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the signs as i’ve experienced them
aries: the definition of a fuckboy but they actually have a soul. literally don’t give two shits about the haters and are some of the most loyal friends i’ve ever encountered. have very sudden growth periods. super dedicated to anything they put their mind to. ALSO OH MY GOD SO GOOD WITH THE TONGUE
taurus: very eccentric, don’t really know how to deal with emotions. get flustered easily but it’s kinda cute. dreamy demeanor. will ignore the hell out of u if u fuck them over. are lowkey terrified of everything but will probs never admit that as they have some weird element of ego tied into that.
gemini: really chill people when u get to know them but will scare the shit out of u for like six years if u don’t approach them. do not fucking piss them off as they will butcher yo ass with their tongue and hang u up for the rest of the world to see. probably has daddy issues. writers. really physically attractive and everybody is intimidated as fuck by it. dumb as hell in terms of love and will flirt with you incessantly. REALLY FUCKIN GOOD WITH THEIR HANDS LIKE DAMN.
cancer: big hearts. fuckin adorable little water signs that are likely drowning in a puddle of their own tears. do not know how to fucking flirt to save their lives. their laughs are kooky as hell and i love it. probably smoke weed. u either love ‘em or want to kill them or are in some poorly balanced inbetween.
leo: okay y’all needa settle down a bit. fragile fuckin egos if i’ve ever seen ‘em and react hardcore if u piss them off. pretty over the top with everything. but damn, are some of the most hopelessly romantic motherfuckers i’ve met. will treat you like a fucking god(dess) if u let them. not super good at social cues tbh. good friends to have if u need to be validated. need quality time.
virgo: y’all are lowkey hoes and give no fucks about it and it’s fucking great omfg. despite that, they maintain an endearing innocence and can be childish af when things don’t go their way but will love u until the end of time. great taste in music. super fucking smart but don’t show it off too often.
libra: jesus christ okay i love u guys. super understanding and will always try to see all sides of a situation. probably have been through a lot. aren’t afraid to call u on ur shit and are lowkey emotional shawtys that are still trying to find themselves. make really wonderful parents. get crazy excited over little shit and it’s fucking adorable.
scorpio: don’t fuck with these hoes unless u know urself first. will expose the parts of urself that u didn’t want to see. super gnarly in fights and will love u until the end of time. pretty standoffish and need time alone when emotionally unstable. keep themselves in amazing shape. are the loneliest fucks i know; be kind to them always. are probably in great shape (physically.)
sagittarius: craziest mofos out there. abandon all emotions before going into a situation and can be super impulsive. funny as fuck and always seem to be on another level. push themselves to the limit and usually forget to give themselves a break. ambitious and can get shit done when they need to.
capricorn: talk about a ride or die. y’all are loyal to the grave and are incredible friends. until u get fucked over. will probably make ur enemies’ life a living hell, sometimes over-the-top about it. can be v athletic. good writers/artists. really interested in spirituality and the ethereal realms. u guys know what to do in bed and flirt hard af. also so fucking funny oh my god.
aquarius: amazing friends. probably hate u. easily excitable. space cadets 4 life. rly good with animals and love food but probably restrict their eating habits in one way or another. a paradox in that they are fucking driven as hell to get shit done but give zero fucks at the same time. lowkey kinky af. want to kiss everyone.
pisces: emotional shawtys through and through. physically attractive as hell. not good at romantic relationships. won’t forget about u for a million years. keep their friends close but will push u the fuck away if they get scared. insecure and just want u to stick around.
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Introducing the Social Intelligence Test! From what I can tell, it’s sponsored by Harvard and it’s rather interesting. The basis is you look at pictures of people going through different emotions and decide what emotion they’re feeling. The trick is, you can only see their eyes.
How well can you read people? I never thought I was good at it, but I scored rather high on this test. It was a very interesting experience! I highly recommend taking this!
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Normal Horoscope:
Aries: With consistency comes ease. Each failure lowers the price of trying again.
Taurus: Look, whatever works for you Taurus, life is precious but goddammit it is yours. Destroy what you can destroy with glee. Turn the rubble into something better.
Gemini: It absolutely could hurt to try. Pain is just pain.
Cancer: Literally nothing can stop you. You are going to keep living or else.
Leo: The stars say you will find romance after eating an entire copy of Dante’s Divine Comedy.
Virgo: Rough time at work virgo? Work with your community to create a solar grid and farmable land.
Libra: You’re a grown up now Libra. Luckily for you though, the entire concept of adulthood is a complete farce and you can just deep doing your thing with but with more taxes.
Scorpio: Take a long, hard look at where you want your career to go. Consider the weight of your decisions. Now get a good running start and punt that motherfucker as hard as you can. Field Goal!
Ophiuchus: Today you will spend some time watching the evergreens wave in the wind. In that moment you will know eternity. You will also really have to poop.
Sagittarius: Yeah well, a lot of cults are family-oriented so its your decision really.
Capricorn: The stars say to make friends with the harvestmen in your bathroom. They are helping clean up all the lil bug corpses and would appreciate some recognition.
Aquarius: Its time to make a nest. Don’t ask questions. No thought, only nest.
Pisces: Most problems are communication problems. Remember this the next time you are screaming with incomprehensible rage.
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The Signs As Monsters
Aries: Fast and deadly. They blend into the forest. Will kill you without making a sound. You won't see them until it's too late.
Taurus: Eyes like steel. Spikes stick out from their shoulders. They have a growl that makes your bones vibrate. You hear it before you see it.
Gemini: Red eyes and black feathers. They come come down from the sky in flocks and carry victims away in their claws. They hunt at twilight.
Cancer: They look like beautiful people, but their nails are too sharp and their hair is long and wild. They lure people to their deaths with their attractiveness and sweet voices.
Leo: Giant beasts that tower over the trees. Bright scales and rows of teeth. They have a ferocious roar that shakes the ground. They enjoy stepping on people but are careful to not hurt other monsters.
Virgo: Small but clever. With large violet eyes and grey fur. They will snuggle into your arms and then scratch and slice you with their claws. They always win.
Libra: Slithers in trees with glistening scales. They strangle passing humans and eat them whole.
Scorpio: Very very fast. You only see a passing shadow. If you feel a sharp pinch then you're already doomed. It only takes a few moments for the poison to set in.
Sagittarius: Bright eyes and gorgeous teeth. They float behind you and sing lullabies in a strange language until you fall asleep. You'll never wake up.
Capricorn: They decorate the forest with exotic flowers and grow vines from their tail. It will come at you from behind as you admire their work.
Aquarius: They look like humans with extra limbs. Too many arms and legs. Five eyes and no nose. Yet they move beautifully and aren't actually dangerous. People just fear them because they do not understand them.
Pisces: They move in packs and hiss at the moon. They have bright blue eyes and silver fur. They come at you from all directions.
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Astrology for Beginners Part III: Moon Signs
part i, part ii, part iii
Your moon sign is the position which the moon was in at the time of your birth. Moon signs are responsible for your emotions and soul.
Think of your moon sign as the inner you.
The moon moves into a new sign every 2 or 3 days, which is why a Taurus born April 30th may be very different from a Taurus born May 3rd.
Your moon sign may also affect how strongly the characteristics of your sun sign are expressed. If you’re a fiery Aries with a mellow Taurus moon, the aggressive nature of Aries may be toned down by the relaxed earth influence of Taurus. Your moon sign is just as important as your sun sign, as they play equal parts in creating and shaping you. Checking your moon sign in astrology posts or memes is always a good idea, as oftentimes they will fit equally as well as your sun sign, if not more.
This sign may also be the reason why you don’t fit perfectly into the stereotype of your sun sign.
When I make jokes about Sagittarians being loud and promiscuous because of how afraid of commitment they are, I get plenty of people telling me things along the lines of “Well I’m a sag and I’m really quiet and shy, and I’m also not slutty at all!!” But if your moon sign is Cancer, for example, who is known for being very shy, loving, and devoted, then this sign (being the innermost part of you) might dial back your stereotypical Sagittarian qualities.
Each sign can play a slightly different role in as your moon sign than it would in your sun sign. Below is a brief explaination of what each moon sign may be like.
Aries Moon- fiery, passionate, and action-oriented. The Aries moon is easily excited and energetic. Someone with an Aries moon is likely impulsive from their desire to take action and blaze their own trail. Much like Aries suns, they get easily angered or frustrated.
Taurus Moon- elegant, grounded, and needing security. The Taurus moon enjoys the finer things in life. They’re often dependable, loving, and stubborn. Someone with a Taurus moon may often become too comfortable in their enjoyment of the finer things in life, and as a result become lazy. Much like Taurus suns, they are relaxed and stubborn.
Gemini Moon- clever, witty, and chatty. The Gemini moon is sociable and intellectual. Someone with a Gemini moon has a quick wit and never runs out of things to say (even if they’re rambling on about absolutely nothing.) This sociability and wit may shift into being judgemental and even two-faced.
Cancer Moon- emotional, sensitive, and motherly. The Cancer moon seeks love and comfort in all that they do. Someone with a Cancer moon is highly sensitive and in tune with not just their emotions, but the emotions of others as well. This emotion and sensitivity may cause the cancer moon to be overly sensitive and even a crybaby.
Leo Moon- expressive, dramatic, and proud. The Leo moon is bold and theatrical. Someone with a Leo moon feeds off of positive attention and praise. Leo moons often seek complete and utter adoration (usually subconsciously), especially in romantic endeavors. Their bold nature and love for attention may turn into being over-dramatic.
Virgo Moon- meticulous, health-conscious, and analytical. The Virgo moon is supportive and orderly. Someone with a Virgo moon is ready and willing to lend a helping hand, giving support to whoever may ask. Their meticulous nature creates a need for organization in all aspects of their life.
Libra Moon- fair, loving, and indecisive. The Libra moon is ruled by aesthetic. Someone with a Libra moon loves the idea of a lavish lifestyle. Much like the Taurus moon, Libra moons love sex, romance, and the finer things in life. With the moon under the scales of justice, Libra moons are always in pursuit of the fairest approach, which may result in uncertainty and indecisiveness.
Scorpio Moon- sensual, intense, and mysterious. The Scorpio moon needs security, trust, and loyalty in their lives. Someone with a Scorpio moon experiences their emotions very strongly and has a dark sense of humor. The Scorpio moon, despite their strong emotions, is often unable to express these emotions healthily.
Sagittarius Moon- adventurous, worldly, and philosophical. The Sagittarius moon yearns for freedom and adventure. Someone with a Sagittarius moon may be difficult to pin down in a relationship, as Sagittarius is a sign notoriously fearful of commitment. A Sagittarius moon craves truth, knowledge, and wisdom. They are often very passionate and philosophical individuals.
Capricorn Moon- ambitious, realistic, and structured. The Capricorn moon doesn’t play around. Someone with a Capricorn moon is naturally driven to success, with their hard work ethic, persistence, and dedication. As an Earth sign, Capricorn moons are grounded, stable, and secure in nature.
Aquarius Moon- forward-thinking, progressive, and unique. The Aquarius moon often seems closed off and distant, because of their focus on thinking about their emotions rather than feeling them. Aquarius, being the black sheep of the zodiac family, brings out some of the most unique individuals from those under the water-bearer sign. Someone with an Aquarius moon is naturally very progressive and forward-thinking. They have a lot of thoughts and they’re desperate to share them. Aquarius moons tend to have trust issues, so those who they keep close are allowed to hear some of their most intimate thoughts and ideas.
Pisces Moon- dreamy, imaginative, and emotional. The Pisces moon is romantic and creative. Someone with a Pisces moon, despite being far off and dreamy, is extremely empathetic and caring. A Pisces moon is the sort of person to believe that they can fix other people’s problems. At their core, Pisces moons love to feel needed, whether this be for better or for worse.
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Astrology for Beginners Part I: What is Astrology?
Put into simple terms, Astrology is the study of how the movement and positions of the stars and planets affects and influences human beings.
The stars and planets have been proven to have effect on the earth through things such as magnetic fields, gravitational pull, and cosmic radiation. Our solar system exists because of this near perfect harmony created amongs these planets.
I believe that if the stars and planets can have this much effect on each other in this universe, they have the potential to influence us as people here on earth.
Astrology mainly concerns 10 celestial bodies and 12 groups of stars knows as constellations. These constellations being Aries, Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and Pisces.
Aries- sign of the ram, ruled by planet Mars, symbolized as ♈, Cardinal in nature, and a fire sign. Known for being confident, assertive, passionate, hot-tempered, and dedicated.
Taurus- Sign of the bull, ruled by planet Venus, symbolized as ♉, Fixed in nature, and an earth sign. Known for being loyal, reliable, stubborn, materialistic, and loving.
Gemini- Sign of the twins, ruled by Mercury, symbolized as ♊, Mutable in nature, and an air sign. Known for being communicative, adaptable, curious, quick-witted, and two faced.
Cancer- Sign of the crab, ruled by the moon, symbolized as ♋, Cardinal in nature, and a water sign. Known for being caring, motherly, over-emotional, considerate, and intuitive.
Leo- Sign of the Lion, ruled by the sun, symbolized as ♌, Fixed in nature, and a fire sign. Known for being bold, courageous, warm, feisty, and a strong leader.
Virgo- Sign of the virgin, ruled by planet Mercury, symbolized as ♍, Mutable in nature, and an earth sign. Known for being meticulous, healthy, organized, smart, and sophisticated.
Libra- Sign of the scales, ruled by planet Venus, symbolized as ♎, Cardinal in nature, and an air sign. Known for being indecisive, fair, sociable, altruistic, and persuasive.
Scorpio- Sign of the Scorpion, ruled by planet Pluto, symbolized as ♏, Fixed in nature, and a water sign. Known for being strong, sexual, cold, loyal, and committed.
Sagittarius- Sign of the archer, ruled by planet Jupiter, symbolized as ♐, Mutable in nature, and a fire sign. Known for being optimistic, independent, blunt, loud, and terrified of commitment.
Capricorn- Sign of the goat, ruled by planet Saturn, symbolized as ♑, Cardinal in nature, and an earth sign. Known for being practical, mature, hard-working, devoted, and shy.
Aquarius- Sign of the water-bearer, ruled by planet Uranus, symbolized as ♒, Fixed in nature, and an air sign. Known for being intelligent, unique, distant, opinionated, and a humanitarian.
Pisces- Sign of the fish, ruled by planet Neptune, symbolized as ♓, Mutable in nature, and a water sign. Known for being romantic, imaginative, gentle, affectionate, and easygoing.
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2019
Aries: you’re about to find yourself. it’s about to be hard, scary, and it almost might seem unbearable. you’re going to reach new highs that you’ve never thought you would, and maybe some new lows that will rock you. but, you’re about to find positivity within all the moments that you have. you’re about to understand yourself and your limits more than ever. you’re going to realize that all the strength you’ve ever needed was always inside of you. all of it was fucking worth it, you’re going to feel all of this.
Taurus: you are going to be in a huge transition period this year. you’re going to find immense change in your own world. it might scare you to your core, but it’s exactly what you needed. new things and new people and a new life. most of all, a totally new perspective. you’re going to open your eyes to so many things and you’re going to realize that things weren’t what you always thought they were… they’re better.
Gemini: you are about to feel free. you’re about to go through a year of letting go. you’re going to let go of people who caused you pain in the past, you’re going to let go of shit that messed you up. you’re going to realize that moving forward is the best thing you can do for yourself. you’ll find things that you enjoy doing again this year. you are going to get out of that fog, but don’t completely cross out what brought you here. it’s still a part of you.
Cancer: what a curse it is, to feel so very deeply. oh, but it is also a blessing. this year is going to give you many awakenings. you’re going to use your empathy to your advantage, you’re going to make a change in many peoples lives. seeing someone so authentic like you, gives other people hope that they can open up too, just like you. you’re going to use the things you find the most unappealing about yourself to help other people. it may seem small to you when it happens, but it’s huge. this, for you, is going to be very fulfilling. don’t forget yourself in the process, but remember that what you’re doing is important.
Leo: in 2018, you were lost. you might’ve hit your breaking point and you might’ve thought there was nothing left in you. however, you were just getting started. this year, you will find your fire again. you’ll stand up taller than you ever have and you’ll roar louder than ever. this year, you’re going to learn that you are stronger than you ever believed yourself to be. you’re going to find your confidence again, you’re going to take on this life thing on your own and make it your absolute bitch. the people who left, don’t matter. you’re not going to let them affect you any longer. you’re going to figure out who was always meant to be by your side.
Virgo: this year, positivity is going to be your best friend. you’re so used to things going wrong or not going your way, that you’ve conditioned yourself to think about the worst possible outcomes. but, what if thinking differently was actually the key to everything? you have the power to change your own mindset, and this year, whether you believe it or not, it’s going to happen. you’re going to be so caught up in living life and being busy that suddenly you’ll realize that you aren’t so afraid of being happy anymore. you will flourish, you will get the things you want. all you have to do is keep on believing.
Libra: your worth is greater and bigger than what you think. this year, you’re going to realize this. at some point, you’re going to look at your life and how you let people take advantage of you and you’re finally going to say “no more.” you are wonderful and capable and worthy of all the things you want. you just have to see it for yourself, you have to see that your life should not be lived based on making people happy that wouldn’t do the same for you. it’s going to be an awakening for you, but it’s going to be beautiful.
Scorpio: you are in the midst of chaos right now. you’re thinking that life is always going to be this whirlwind of emotions and that nothing will ever settle down. this year, you’ll find your safe place. the one you can run to when things are going bad. whether that place be an actual place, a hobby, or even a person. it’s going to bring you peace like you’ve never felt before. remember to hold onto it. you’re going to finally let go of that wall you’ve been holding up forever, don’t be alarmed when it comes crashing down. it’s going to be natural.
Sagittarius: what a year you’re going to have. first and most importantly, pure love is in store. this doesn’t have to mean romantic love, but it sure is a possibility. you’ve been holding back for quite some time when it comes to opening up your heart, but thats going to change now. secondly, when you find this love, you’re going to be faced with your natural instinct, which is to run. when this happens, don’t run. you’ll be missing out on a happiness that you haven’t felt before. learning to open up is one of the most important lessons you’ll learn in this life, you have to let it come.
Capricorn: this year, you’re going to end cutting out people and things that don’t make you happy. this is pure self care and the first step to putting yourself first. you tend to not put your needs first too often. you’re no longer going to let everyone walk all over you. you do everything for other people, and this year will be your selfish year. when you find yourself feeling bad about it, don’t. this is the start of something that always needed to happen, and you’ll find yourself much more peaceful if you run with it.
Aquarius: who you are now, might be a stranger by the end of 2019. but doesn’t it always go that way? maybe, but it’s going to be different from what you imagine. you’re going to become stable in who you are. you’re going to suddenly have an understanding of your place in the world, perhaps you might find your purpose. it’s going to come so fast and naturally, that you’re going to question what your world was before this reason for living came along. remember that this is happening for a reason, you are meant to do great things and you’re about to see what all of this means.
Pisces: joy is coming. you’ve had a rough past few years, but this year you’re going to have new beginnings and you’re going to find a new sense of self. you’re going to learn that all the bad things had to happen in order to get to where you are now. don’t try to change the past anymore, or question why certain things had to happen. just focus on here and now because before you know it all of the years are going to pass by. this year is going to be the year that you end up finding the happiness you only felt years ago. enjoy it.
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