samqaouy

[samqaouy]

cough

[samqaouy]

i like the hc that theyre hoh after dl :p (but they try and sign and rmr asl/bsl r Different.)

[samqaouy]

yoou guys wont be laughing when i suddenly collapse unconscious and have to be taken to the hospital. then youll all see <- normal thought process to have while doing anything i dont want to

[samqaouy]

I don’t really have opinions on anything tangible, i just have dramatised fake reactions and opinions in a pathetic, embarrassing attempt to appear more human to people, but my angle on trying to be a person changes so often that i never developed at least a solid persona, or if i had one, it melted away when i tried something new. So now im desperately trying to piece back together the self i had before, the friendships that self had, the life that person lived, and failing miserably so instead i stay in my bed and live so apathetically i can’t even find it in myself to cry over it. Instead i write this stupid shit in a weak attempt to attain the help I’m too lazy to even care about properly, so in my head, this is more a silent prayer that someone one day might just understand what’s going on in my head on their own or maybe even by seeing this, considering someday i finally get up and try make myself understood

But right now I’m far too lazy, and it all seems pointless, i don’t really care anyway, I’m just jealous of people who can make themselves understood and develop strong friendships because right now i am completely and utterly friendless

I’m not really all that good company, and i only care about things i care about and most time if i do say anything in conversation, it’s ingenious and it always seems robotic anyway so it doesn’t even serve its purpose in trying to add to the conversation so im not deemed unenjoyable and discarded .

I keep imagining this scenario, I’m laid out on some faceless friends bed, they’re on their phone and the moon is falling through the curtains, we probably just had some sort of ‘deep’ conversation and then i say ‘you know, this time last year, i tried to kill myself.’ Whenever i imagine the face they’d make, i picture the sort of faux worry and distress, like an adult might give a child crying over a scraped knee. I’ll pay no mind to their reaction, I’ll continue, probably ignoring them through the rest of my monologue “yeah, sent me to hospital and everything. I remember being in an empty waiting room with my mum, stone faced, i remember peering over to her phone ‘she wants to kill herself’ she would type. I sat there, there was this feeling that id never felt before, i was about to cry but couldn’t, about to vomit, but couldn’t. The lump in my throat was persistant, a cold tuna sandwich sat untouched in my lap, i was starving but i couldn’t eat.” I’ll stop there, probably run out of things to say far earlier in reality, and I’ll sit through their weak consolation, maybe they’d poorly pat my back, maybe they’d just stare at me unable to speak. That sounds best really. I’d play some music and we’d sit in silence

[samqaouy]

I exist as long as I am being perceived, if people liked the impostor me sure I could get behind that

let's say that you died and were replaced by an impostor who lied so convincingly in its portrayal of the real you that it genuinely believes itself to be you. would that be fucked up or what?

[samqaouy]

Religion and Creativity

All of the following is my own perspective and personal beliefs and ideas!!

Okay so god!

My personal beliefs- i was confused until year 8- an RS lesson with teacher name where we did a little quiz to see sort of how religious we where or something- i had never put a label or something on myself till that day, i got-

‘Spiritual, but not religious’ which i feel is a perfect label and explanation for how i feel (thanks teacher) i never understood why the like 5 most popular religions are so similar- and to be frank, uncreative.

Let me step back and get some points spread out before i share my idea (that i’ll probably forget by then)

A common argument atheists use is the inconsistent triad, god can’t be omnibenevolent (all loving), omniscient (all knowing) and omnipotent (all powerful) (think i accidentally threw an extra one in but whatever) while suffering exists, if god knows about suffering, and has the power to stop it, is he really all loving? If god is all loving, and all knowing, does he really have the power to stop suffering? If god is all powerful, and all loving, does he really know about the suffering? You get it, not sure why i repeated myself all those times..

So according to this argument,

God is either:

A: all loving, all knowing, but doesn’t have the power to stop the suffering.

B: all loving, all powerful, but is unaware of suffering

C: all powerful, all knowing, and doesn’t give a rats arse about us really

D: God doesn’t exist

That’s stupid in my opinion though, i agree with all of the above but like… non of this disproved the existence of god, it just argues a few popular ideas of a god, who says god is all those things? It’s not really an atheist argument, more so an anti-Christian/muslin/jewish argument (not too knowledgable on a few of those religions, apologies if any of these don’t believe these things).

When i said i believe in a higher power, i don’t believe in the big guy in the sky who is gonna send me to the eternal hellfire for eating a gelatine haribo. There could be a god up there who just doesn’t have the power to save us, there might be a whole other immortal society like one of my favourite creative ideas surrounding ‘god’ and the greats after (see the egg theory, if you’re reading this and sighing because of how much i talk about how i love the creativity of this concept, i shallowly apologise) anyway, i think atheism is restricted to a few religions- i don’t have a definitive belief but i know i believe that there is something that started this.

Also if it means anything- i grew up in a pretty strict Muslim household (at the start at least, I’ve become more confident of myself and my beliefs and more ‘rebellious’)

Anyway. Yeah, i think our ideas of god and the afterlife should be more creative, they feel far too restrictive and don’t really work all that well as concepts in my opinion.

[samqaouy]

Amnesiacs and the Natural Self

10.2.25

My head still hurts but it’s been a week since i last wrote here. My last topic i realise was just because i couldn’t think of a topic. I’ve instead decided to let the topics find me.

Today’s topic, amnesia.

Amnesiacs are something I’ve always thought about, i considered them a while ago as possible means of finding the ‘true self’ and whatnot but I’ll get into that after a small disclaimer.

I don’t know shit about amnesia.

I’m more thinking of a hypothetical ailment, based on amnesia where the patient:

Looses all their memories

Remembers things like how to move their bodies, walk and eat (things they might’ve learnt as an infant)

So imagine you’ve just lost all your memories, you remember a few vague things but can’t put any names to faces as d can’t quite clearly make them out, you know who you are- well your name, and you know how to perform simple tasks.

I’m curious as to where the line is drawn, some might argue that your memories are what shape you as a person. Loosing those might strip you of an identity. But we aren’t conscious of the effect of our history on our actions, it’s not something we actively do unless maybe reattempting something after failing. I’m neither here nor there on any of my points today (unless explicitly stated), mostly they are just garbled ideas and viewpoints that spew out my brain.

Quick readjustment, i struggle to structure things, instead of writing these out like essays, im imagining it’s a plan for an essay (that would never be written), points concepts and ideas are strewn across the screen.

One might reference the ship of Theseus. I believe this is unoriginal and i have made this point far too many times. However ! I’m still writing this.

Imagine you are a ship, i know you were an amnesia patient before, but really the amnesia patient is the ship but shut up you’re a ship. All your parts are your memories, you are made up of your past experiences- god i love repeating myself-and unlike our fake amnesia, all your parts are slowly replaced, as the ship gets damaged. Once all your memories are different from the ones you started with, considering you are just a collection of experiences on legs. Are you now a different person? And if so, are you a blank slate…? And is a blank slate the purest form of yourself?

What I’m getting at, and a big reason for why i like this topic is that it ties in with the last one, is that if you are the purest form of yourself, unchanged by your environment, and you have your own personality and behave differently from another blank slate, are there true predetermined versions of ourselves? Are our base personalities and thoughts genetic?

Let’s rewind a little i think i may have hit a dead end, all of that was typed so fast i have to reread it to understand what im on about.

I forgot! New viewpoint time !!

Are things like gender roles and societal expectations something that’s drilled into our genetic code god i hope not (future sam here, writing at the nearest asterix currently, i only hope not because they aren’t something i can relate to, i feel neither the inclination towards certain in groups and out groups eg- gender split, probably an autism thing, i already struggle with unspoken rules and social cues it wouldn’t be insane for me not to specifically empathise or relate to a certain gender more than another, in fact i would go as far to say not only do i not associate with a certain gender, i also don’t perceive other people’s genders, i mean- obviously i know when someone’s one or the other- but it means nought to me, wouldn’t effect how i behave towards them or how i perceive them. God that was a long message for a little snippet to clear myself up, future Sam, out.) I understand the natural inclination for men to protect women and women to be nurturing and maternal. Actually maybe gender roles are natural but not like the boxes we’ve stuffed them into*

They were something, certain people who fit their categories and boxes could fall into comfortably and easily fall into a rhythm where you always know what you’re meant to be doing and what is expected of you. But however since the advancement of the human race, the amount of people who fall into this box is getting smaller and smaller, and there are far too many being shoved around it and being forced to conform in order to live comfortably. With the rise in nonconformists to the box of traditional gender roles, they have created their own box, where that too can live comfortable, creating their own category to conform to. However this creates a third group, people who neither fit with one or the other, who would also create their own box, and then people who wouldn’t fit into either of those 3 boxes and so on and so on. What I’m getting at is the boxes are dumb okay. It’s been said over and over. I really don’t wanna come across as like an anarchist who wants to remove order from the world and let everything be chaos. Okay maybe that’s a little drastic, you probably weren’t thinking that. But still. If the boxes had little holes in them that would be cool too i guess, i can slip in and out and find somewhere i can be comfy for a bit, move on, and maybe circle back while later. Was i always using the pronoun i…? I mean i assume it was incredibly obvious this was about me and my feeling but i didn’t really want it to be that obvious.

Off topic again!! What was i on about.

Yeah i asked a question with a somewhat obvious answer, couldn’t argue a different point, and got carried away, what’s new?

So yeah… uh. Amnesia huh.

I’m out of things to say i wanna talk about god now 😕. Stay tuned for god !!

[samqaouy]

Morality and intelligence: H!tler

Please note!! All of this is written on the fly and not edited at all unless it is done in the moment, everything written here is a direct reflection of my thought processes, probably. Anything written in red is anything that has been edited in post

Does:

morality moral awareness= smarts?

Was thinking about hitler

If hitler knew what he was doing was wrong, i could consider him smart, he wanted power, he glorified himself and turned himself into someone to be worshipped, whether he cared who the opponent or target was or not, he had a goal, and achieved it, aware that what he was doing was wrong and the consequences.

Wait

Is being aware of your morality the same as knowing your actions have consequences

wait yes obviously oh my god am i dumb

Okay so hitler was either smart, knew what he wanted, knew it was immoral, and knew the consequences.

OR…

He was stupid, had not clue what he was doing was immoral, in fact totally thought it was right, and didn’t consider the consequences.

So yeah

I think being morally aware of your actions is the same as being smart.

Well duh self awareness and the ability to accurately critique and judge your own actions objectively is something you would need to be smart to do

But then again, what does it meant to be smart? There are many happy go lucky idiots with strong moral compasses, knowing not to kill someone’s to get what you want doesn’t make you smart, but is that something those kind of people are naturally born with? A sense of justice?

The people who develop them and adapt them and use them accordingly, are they the smart ones? There are lots of types on intelligence after all.

[big chunk that didn’t really make sense removed here, not that the rest of this makes sense…]

Can you be born with anything though? Can someone just come out the womb with a predetermined affinity for maths??

Okay so can you be born with an affinity for certain types of intelligence?

I’m certainly not gifted because why tf do i not know how to use the word affinity. Moving swiftly on, my mum in horrendous at maths, but both my parents are great at learning languages, combined, they know like 5 languages, both these traits are something i hold, the question I’m asking though, is, are these things you are born with, is intelligence and mental processing written into our genetic code, could every thought i have be technically (and when i say technically i mean really technically) predetermined? Or is it a simple case of your young upbringing and the projection and effect of the way your parents have raised you, for example when i was very little, when i wasn’t yet fully fluent in English, i could speak Arabic, but after years of disuse i totally forgot it, but now- i find language learning far easier.

Intelligence could be something twined into our dna, like certain ways of processing and perception are swayed with genetic illnesses like autism (probably a bit dodge to call it an illness but i don’t know the actual term don’t cancel me even though im autistic myself)

ALSO. WHILE WERE ON THE SUBJECT.

I THOUGHT I WAS GOOD AT SPEAKING. WHEN I WAS LITTLE I WOULD ABSOLUTELY STUDY THE SHIT OUT OF PEOPLE INTONATION AND THE WAY THEY SPOKE. and every now and then. I see someone. Say something a bit off, and i would be like oh that’s not how i would’ve said that. But like maybe it’s me who’s been wrong all along, my autism diagnosis said i spoke too formally, spoke too fast and missed like a bajillion conversation queues. Chat can you please just tell me what to do and say next time.

Oh yeah. Shout out irl full legal name who noticed this before me, who, in year 9 biology (i think) pointed out how i talk weird/have the intonation of an actor who isn’t acting. Probably because processing media being my main form of learning how tf to talk normal (well what i thought was normal), nonetheless shout out again, irls full legal name , that guys okay i guess.

what was i talking about again.

yes !

Hitler !!

I wonder if he was just an idiot who genuinely believed Jews where the reason for germanys economic crash or whatever the hell he believed i don’t pay enough attention in history

Hitler was either:

A:

Ignorant, (in regard to his beliefs)

Immoral, AND ignorant of his immorality

Stupidly charismatic

And just all around chasing a cause that meant nothing because nothing wa really as he thought it was (ignorance)

(and in my book, ignorance=dumb)

Don’t come at me I’m not saying if you don’t know the political and socioeconomic state of Taiwan , you’re a complete ignorant idiot. But tbh, I’ve just come to the realisation- i consider anyone more ignorant than me, dumb i guess which is actually kind of bad, because i consider a lot of people smarter than me, also meaning i consider myself the bar. And whether the bar is low or high, is at the perception of the reader. (Again tooting my own horn i think i consider it a slightly high bar, because i feel kind of bad admitting it, i don’t think that many people are stupid WAIT NO I GOT IT. it’s not that people more ignorant than me are stupid, it’s that people less ignorant than me are smart!! I got it guys

Dont worry

We finally got there.

Also yeah if i hang out with you by choice, i probably consider you above the bar. I can’t think of anyone i talk to frequently despite people i live with, who i would consider below the bar that is me!!

Oh my god this was meant to be a clean cut idea of Hitler ughhhhh

It’s my bedtime anyway i should try sleep

Wait till tomorrow for the next installment of me talking to myself and pretending someone will find this in a few years maybe and maybe go ‘wow Sam actually has a good few smart things to say sometimes’

pls nobody knows how secretly smart i am shhhh its a little secret dont tell anyone shh im the dumb one who doesn’t know their 3 times tables shh (i wish that was a lie tbh) (no tf i dont what am i lying for i dont give a shit about my 3 times tables)

head ache mind empty tonight ☹️

Took 3 big pink ibuprofen nvm i Am Back On The Grind

worry not !

[samqaouy]

been writing out my thoughts on a few random topics, just like brainstorming at night when i can’t sleep, I’d like to think i might one day write an essay with all my nonsensical yabbering so i might refer to it as a plan of sorts, but really it is just me trying to talk myself to sleep at night. I’ll post them in a bit !!!!

[samqaouy]

This will act as more of a loose script for myself- i should’ve mentioned this before- all the players are also playing for their first time so if i do horrendously bad, i can’t really get flamed that much because they don’t know any better- if anything I’m setting them up for success by ensuring their next experience is so much better than its predecessor!!

The start of the campaign

You find yourself in front of a door with 4 other people, in each of your hands, clutched an invite, some more politely worded than others. Some of the people around, you notice, have a gold band, with intricate designs welded into it, strapped around some of their wrists or ankles, a small purple gem in its centre, binding them to your presupposed duties. You tear your eyes from the mismatched cluster of people before you, instead turning your focus to the door in front of you, you had received no further instructions, only that you should arrive at this door- 8am sharp.

(Precursor: almost every peice of info you get from a perception check is either relevant, foreshadowing-ect)

Perception check high: the door is old and shabby, the brass of its handle worn and grooved with the repeated grip of its user, scratches on the centre of the handle scattered around the keyhole where their predecessors had sloppily missed the keyhole. On the wall next to the decrepit old door, a few words, scrawled carvings read: key at bakery- do favour. And some other phrase, seemingly written in another language: Jmrh Rszei

Discuss among yourselves what your plan of action is.

Bakery- you exit the dodgy alleyway the door was nestled into, entering one of the many bustling streets of The Kindom of Novae.

Perception Check high : lots of people- mostly humans, stroll leisurely through the thoroughfare, perusing and dipping into sleepy cafes and dusty magic shops. Beyond the alley stood a building, built in the corner of a cross-section, an intricately carved, marble library, a sigil- not dissimilar to the symbol on the flag of Novae (which also fluttered on a pole above the library) -a sigil cast in gold, adorning the front of the building. You peer down the street further- looking for anything with any sort of semblance of being a Bakery. Your eyes land on an atrociously pink little building, a pink and white fabric overhang over its frontage rippling whenever a particularly strong wind would pass, a shop window bordered with white lace and little pink bows, revealing shelves full of pastries and heavily frosted cakes- all of it- still pink. Above the overhang, in an excessive curling calligraphy, the words: Batter Bakery.

[samqaouy]

I’ve stared playing DND and I’m being a dungeon master, right off the bat- I’m pretty good with the storytelling aspect but i am not as well accustomed to the rules as i would like to be. If anyone can tell me anything- or give me some constructive criticism- it would be appreciated.

I’m gonna post some writing i do for the actual story aspects here because i want to share it with someone but also don’t really want to tell my friends and ruin it for them.

We kind of created our own way of playing but i still haven’t fully fleshed out how i want fighting, specific stats to work ect…

[samqaouy]

kiss me son of god

Wet hair whipped their faces, stumbling behind It, the crowd quiet, staring intently, individuals became collectives, united in veneration and fear. The rain grew heavier, hitting the drums like their hearts spatter, some dropped to their knees, the sound of wood clattering to the ground was understated and subdued by the crack of light crashing and tumbling down the sky. Stood at the top of the mountain, It looked back at the people, their wide eyes and trembling fingers gripping and clawing at Its figure regardless of their distance, they pathetically grasp at the air of immortality, where the drums grew louder, a crash behind them and It became a silhouette, striking eyes still shone its horrible white, a gaze brimming with hatred and then pity. Blood melted into water, swirling, creating beauty in the horror ensuing, only for their art to be shattered by the harsh spit of the sky. A man staggered forward, his hair white yet his face young, he treaded carefully, too much thought behind each step. At the foot of the mountain he knelt, like a sacrifice before an altar. He looked up, marvellous eyes meeting his fearful stare, apprehension convulsed under his skin, evident through the slight quiver and crack in his voice, still, he shouted up at It, a palpable prayer. Moments passed and the air grew thick with static, hair standing on end with anxiety and unease, the man's posture relaxed, whether it was his contempt regardless of his conclusion or that he had discerned what they had not, they were soon to realise. Slowly Its scrutiny turned soft and the world did with Him, the downpour remained heavy but no longer felt like a rain of arrows upon the people’s shoulders, the thrashing of thunder became a mellow rolling lullaby, the crashes of lightning muted, dancing a warm light, and a break opened in the sky, a bright comforting light shone through deep brown hair, turning the edge of His silhouette gold.

And spring came.

[samqaouy]

hi tumblr!!! Or more so me,,,

As of right now i am currently 14, turning 15 on January 5th.

I’m in year 10, doing my GSCE’s my choices were:

Triple science

Classics

History

And German

Each of these choices were fuelled by their own unique delusions that I’m talented at a certain thing whether it be that I’ve always had a natural curiosity and inclination towards sciences, perhaps my family’s vast list of languages, or that i read more than i spoke when i was little, or maybe it was the many nights i lay awake studying, imagining and dreaming of a nostalgia i never had and i past i should never get to see or experience.

Can you get fomo for something that’s happened long before you were born?

Well yes because I’m experiencing it right now.

I’m only saying this because it’s a fun way to say it, it’s not really a pet peeve of mine i don’t think (and if it was it would be immensely hypocritical)

My biggest pet peeve is when people ask questions like the one i did a few lines above this. Obviously, if you’re feeling it, it’s real, because after all everything around you and everything you experience is just your perception of it- reality is only what you think it is- the images, the electrical signals sent to your brain from your eyes, everything you perceive is painted in your own style and analysed in your own special way, everyone is going to perceive everything differently and each and every one of those perceptions are as real as the next persons to themselves because when it all comes down to it, you only experience the world around you because of yourself and it’s enough for something to be real to you because that’s real!!

Anyway, i keep finding myself getting caught up and excited at the thought of someone actually finding this and reading it. It’s a little egotistical but i think i actually have some pretty smart stuff to say and i really want to have somewhere to spiel and know people will perceive it while not worrying about adjusting the sort of stuff i post to the people watching or reading.

I’d like to think that this is totally for my future self to cringe at when i see how smart and philosophical i thought i was but i think i just want someone to ask me questions and enjoy my rambling.

Im not quite sure how to tag this so if anyone can help I’d appreciate it.

And please please please drop a question or a comment i love giving people my thoughts on stuff no matter what the topic ^^

-sam