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stormbornpirate · 1 month

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Just A Breath Away

~2k words kip sabian & orange cassidy, it reads extremely gen (but it can be interpreted as pre-shippy considering how this whole au ends up going)

set in immortal fears/the belt corruption au. ive been trying to get back to writing, very slowly, and heres just. a brain barf from last night. i guess thats the best way to describe it. a whole lot of nothing but deep rooted hateful feelings for 2k words for near the beginning of kips healing arc

warnings; unreality, can potentially be read from between the lines as self destructive thoughts. heavy emotional hurt/comfort. kip is just having a really fucking bad time wow

@midnightpretenders0 @stormbornpirate

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”I’m only trying to help you.”

Kip stared up at the ceiling of his designated bedroom, the words echoing in his head. He had heard them so many times before in the past, both in and out of this situation he was currently trapped in, and yet it didn’t make receiving them any easier for him. Especially when they came from the one person he really, really didn’t want to hear them from. The one he didn’t believe them from.

He sighed, more annoyed than anything else. Kip shouldn’t be here, and he knew it. He shouldn’t be under this roof, inside these walls, in this house, on this bed. He shouldn’t be related to any of those things, and yet.

And yet.

He was annoyed. No, scratch that, he was angry. At himself mostly, for allowing this to happen, for letting things go on for so long that he ended up here. For not being able to stand on his own two feet, physically or mentally, so that Kip was forced to let someone else do the dirty work for him.

So that Kip was forced under the care of Cassidy.

A quiet groan escaped from him before Kip could stop it, eyes closing as he felt a wave of unwanted emotions washing over him. He couldn’t exactly place them, give them names, recognize them, but it felt like everything at the same time; anger, sadness, sorrow, hope? He really wasn’t sure. The only thing he could for sure pinpoint down in the darkness of the bedroom was that these were all feelings brought to his mind but just the mere thought of his self-proclaimed arch rival.

And yet he didn’t want to feel any of them.

His body did its best to resist him as Kip tried to roll onto his side, fighting back every inch of the way to the point where it wasn’t even worth it. This wasn’t the first time his mind and body disagreed on the actions he should take, making it painful to even try to move, the pain leaving Kip almost paralyzed just laying on his back on the bed, staring at nothing. The feeling came and went as it pleased, but most often it showed up as an inconvenience when he wanted one thing but was handed another.

It all frustrated him. Angered him. Disappointed him, leaving Kip unable to do anything, left dealing with these feelings in his already loud head all by himself, all alone.

Well…

He could feel the shadows creeping on the edge of his vision, on the edge of his consciousness. It wasn’t anything unusual at this point, but Kip was tired of it. Having to listen to those whispers, calling him names, assigning words to him about how they felt about him. Telling him how fucked up this was, how fucked up he was, how it was his fault. All his fault, how they got here, how he ended up in this situation, how he messed it all up. All his fault.

All his fault.

It had been almost a daily occurrence now. He hadn’t been able to sleep, leaving him vulnerable, open to all of this. The shadows laughed at him, telling him he only needed them, secluding himself was a good thing no matter how much Cassidy tried to keep some sort of a connection with him. Help? Fuck no, he didn’t need help. Kip was much better off without any of that, especially from someone like him.

From someone like Cassidy, who was the cause of all of this. Well, after Kip had managed to fuck it up first, of course. He was the one to ultimately be blamed for everything, after all.

“Pathetic.”

Kip was almost violently ripped out of the serenity of the dark thoughts in his mind, the voice piercing enough to force his eyes open, focusing back on the blank ceiling. He couldn’t see anything else, nothing was moving. The voice, while distant, distorted, almost dark, had a tint of familiarity to it that he didn’t want to acknowledge.

The way it echoed against the inside of his skull made him come face to face with the reality that it was his own, without Kip saying those words out loud, without thinking them to himself.

“You’re disgusting, you know that?”

Kip didn’t reply, but he could feel a new wave of emotions crashing over him. Shame. Guilt. Disgust. The breath he took in was so much shakier than he expected, the loudness of it almost scaring him out of his own skin.

“So disappointing. Get up.”

He wanted to tell it to stop, but Kip just couldn’t. Instead, he felt his body working against his mind, pushing itself up to its limits, sitting up on the bed for the first time in what felt like days. His head was already spinning, the darkness around him hugging him so tightly Kip almost wasn’t sure if this was his bedroom anymore. The soft kisses it left on his skin burned, making him want to scream, both out of pain and the pleasure of feeling something other than nothing, but no sound came out of him. Kip just sat there, trying to find his breath again, eyes looking at the nothing in front of him.

The nothing shaped like himself, smiling back at him, the darkness so wicked in him it was impossible to look away, even if Kip knew he wasn’t real. That it wasn’t real.

“Was this what you wanted?”

Kip wanted to tell him no, it really wasn’t, he never intended it to be like this. He never knew it was going to be like this. If he had even the slightest idea, maybe he wouldn’t have done it. Done anything. He never wanted to even entertain the thought of succumbing to the darkness, to any extent.

Kip never wanted this, and yet there were no words he could say that would make that clear.

“You’re so pitiful. I don’t understand what he sees in you.”

He inhaled sharply, without intending to do so. Kip could almost see the darkness wearing his smirk, laughing at him. Making a mockery out of him, knowing he was way beyond the help. That these thoughts truly were his own, not just something the cursed world was trying to shove into his head anymore.

“He’s given up. You’re a fool for thinking otherwise.”

A fool. Beyond help, so much so that the one person who promised to help him had left him alone. It felt like he hadn’t seen Cassidy in ages. Maybe he was alone in this room, in this house, being left behind with nothing but broken promises, words that ultimately meant nothing. Nothing but lies that he wouldn’t give up. Lies like so many Kip had told to others, only to break them because he felt like it, because they were hazards on his way to everything he eventually lost.

And now here Kip was, abandoned like all his friends by him, lost like everything he had once had.

“All you need to do is give in.”

The voice was like a hot whisper against his ear, making Kip shiver, knowing how wrong all this was. It wasn’t supposed to go like this, it never was.

“Let yourself go. Allow yourself to be done with this.”

The offer was tempting. Kip could feel the expecting eyes on him, forcing him to turn away, as if he was thinking about this. Maybe on some level he was, contemplating if it was worth it. Worth it to keep trying, especially if he was alone. Abandoned. When there was no hope in the horizon. He could be done with all of it, just let the darkness swallow him, allowing him to decay, to rot away, mostly in peace. Maybe even without pain, if he asked kindly enough.

“I…” His voice was hoarse, drifting off into the empty corners of the bedroom, without Kip having no idea how to continue that sentence. He wasn’t sure what he wanted, what he needed. If there was someone, or something, that could give him that. To give him anything. Everything was so fragmented, so cracked, unorganized in his mind that it was impossible to put into words. Of course he only needed actions, to simply allow himself to be taken over, but somehow even that felt more difficult than usual.

Maybe somewhere in there, under all the filth inside of him, was still just the smallest light of hope. How or why, Kip wasn’t sure, but something in him told him that he was able to feel it. Despite everything.

“I-I… I don’t know…”

He felt the darkness pressing tighter against him, forcing the air out of his lungs. Hands on his arms. Hands on his chest. Hands on his neck. Hands on his face.

The scream that escaped him wasn’t audible, being drowned under the voice that boomed in his head loudly enough to make it throb for days to come.

“You don’t know?! Don’t you understand?! You’re nothing! Nothing! Nothing but a pitiful excuse of a weak, pathetic failure! Nobody wants you, nobody needs you! You mean nothing!”

Kip couldn’t reply to it, the headache becoming unbearably too much. He struggled to catch air back into his lungs, every breath burning, making him want to throw up. The spots the hands of the dark had been holding onto him burned, they felt vile, almost violated. He could trace the cold fingertips against his skin perfectly if someone asked, remembering every mark being left on him, the words imprinted into the inside of his brain with every word that had been spoken to him.

He didn’t want this. It was all too much, the feeling pouring out of him in an incomprehensible sob as Kip couldn’t hold the floodgates shut, being too exhausted and in pain to hold it back anymore.

Only as he could feel a soft pair of hands landing on his aching, exposed arm Kip’s head snapped up, eyes barely focusing on the concerned looking face of a familiar blond looking back at him.

“What happened? Are you okay?”

Cassidy’s voice sounded so distant Kip wasn’t even sure if he was sitting in front of him on the bed or not. It felt unrealistic that after everything he would be there. Kip wanted to reach out, so desperately, to make sure he was there, touch him, his face, make sure he felt him breathe. Feel that he had a heartbeat. But he couldn’t move, holding onto the little bit of solace that Cassidy’s hands on his arm gave to him. At least it felt real, even if it would end up not being so.

“I heard you scream. I-it’s okay. I’m here.”

Kip just looked at him, finally feeling the stinging of the tears in his eyes. His senses were slowly returning into the room, him into his own head, making at least a little bit of sense again. Cassidy’s hands on him, squeezing his arm slightly, making sure he was there. The tears staining Kip’s face, the salty taste on his lips actually making sense to him. His hands that he didn’t even realize had been squeezing the bed sheets so hard this entire time.

“I’m trying to help you, Kip.”

Hearing his name leaving Cassidy’s lips cracked something in him. Kip wasn’t entirely sure what it was, but it made him swallow thickly, feeling the lump that had formed in his throat.

“If you can tell me what happened, I--”

“Please.”

Kip’s voice was barely above a whisper, followed by a sob he wasn’t able to hold back. Cassidy looked at him, clearly alarmed, not expecting this from Kip, the tear stained face twisting into some combination of pleading and comforted as Kip finally reached a hand towards him, fingertips barely gracing Cassidy’s cheek in a weak attempt to touch him.

“He… Help me. Please.”

Cassidy’s face softened into an understanding smile, him nodding his head just barely before Kip leaned closer, basically collapsing against him. Cassidy pulled him against his chest, one arm holding him close tightly as the other hand rubbed his back, gently hushing him as Kip broke down in sobs in his arms.

“I will. Don’t worry. I will.”

#night. crow. my friend.#YOU GOT ME IN TEAAAAAARS #holy shit this was so good #kip sabian #orange cassidy #belt corruption au #friend's writing #friend fic #night's writing #crow's things #i'm having all the feels

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