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stormtattedmodelchic · 5 years ago

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Self discovery...

After doing a emotional deep cleansing of myself (mind, body, soul, and heart) after having such an toxic year... hell just a toxic life in general. I have spent a majority of my life trying appease people... yes I was that person a people pleaser and my own worst enemy. I allowed what people assume was strength to be their crutch, but really it was insecurity that kept others uplifted while I on the other hand was digging a deeper darker hole for myself that was endless. I talk about being a black woman in this world because that is what I am... a black bisexual woman that has the world on her shoulders as well as the world taking her identity and culture as it strips her bare. That pretty much sums it up!

Let me not get off track well I guess it all ties in with this blog post named self discovery. This year has shown me how the world really sees me...how black men see me... how the LGBTQIA community sees me...what it really means to be a black woman in this world... how cultural appropriation is not appreciation that it takes from black culture, but at the same time stripes the identity, features, and demeanor of black women to be stolen and repackaged as European beauty standards for white women while hating black women for having it as their culture...how my own self hatred lead me to accept people and situations that shouldn’t even been near me...not even understanding my own self worth and self love needed to thrive as a woman in the world. Like I said it’s a lot!

See even from outside it would seem I’m a strong woman ready to take on the world...HA! More like a woman on the verge of a complete breakdown from societies pressures, family pressures, etc., I think this year has taught me how to be resilient in the regards of understanding life is too short to keep living in the past. The past was living rent free in my mind hence why I couldn’t move forward with living my life because I was just really existing, but not living at all. I was in a situation where I thought I was in love, but as my journey has taught me how can I truly know what love is if I don’t even know how to love myself. I do believe like attracts like and if I didn’t understand my worth or even love myself I literally believe I was attracting what my inner self was projecting. So I found myself in a situation where a person was sucking dry and using me up in every aspect.

They were so reckless they refused to follow the guidelines of state for the coronavirus and passed it along to me. I had no pre existing condition and was basically fighting alone while the individual was living with me in the same household. Just an emotionally unattached jackass and within a week of suffering pretty much by myself I landed in the hospital. This was hardest fight of my life and yet I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I couldn’t breathe and my fever just kept rising. The pain in my body was horrible and I wanted it to just stop I was tired. When I thought I was just too tired to fight anymore... a CNA came in room one day to take my vitals and this black queen just started crying. She told me “ I don’t know you, but I need you to fight because I see you giving up” she was correct I was tired she said “please just keep fighting I feel like I needed to tell you that “ she prayed right at the side of my bed. I’m not Christian, but I’m pagan, but in that moment it didn’t matter. This woman...black woman shed tears for me and didn’t know who I was whereas the doctors and specialists treated me like a lab experiment. That evening was my worst I had pneumonia in both lungs plus the virus running through me. That night I promised the universe if I made it out of this I would start fresh and live for me. The next couple days things started to get better and I had gotten to the point I was off oxygen and was breathing on my own.

The day I was being released my so called significant other didn’t come to get me, but the CNA that prayed over me at my worst did. I asked her why did she pray for me and you know she told me “ I saw a young black queen who needed me to help her”... That moved me so much and brought me to tears. After spending so many years believing I was in competition with other black women and being torn down by them throughout elementary, high school, & college. I have never had a another black woman truly show real compassion for my well being without wanting something in return. It really shook me to my core and also made me realize I needed to reevaluate my own mindset.

When I finally came home and entered the house I realized I didn’t belong any longer in this place. I realized that I needed to fix me because where I was ... wasn’t were I needed to be. I didn’t know where to start I just knew I needed to start somewhere. I remember I was on YouTube and Kim Namjoon of BTS United Nations speech came up. It was weird because I had no idea why it popped up on my YouTube videos. I clicked on it and listened it really moved me... it was funny because I was like this was the second sign or something lol. So I spent four days straight going through all of BTS discography, videos, and fashions. I didn’t understand a word of the music, but every song I made sure the subtitles were turned off because I wanted to feel the music before I understood the meaning. There were songs that literally brought me to tears, some that made me feel stronger than I felt before, and others that made me physically smile as well as my soul smile. I just didn’t stop with BTS I dived deeper into the Kpop, K-Rap, K-R&B etc.I found VIXX, Big Bang,Got7, Jessi, and more...then I found the C-Pop and J- Pop it was like finding Atlantis in a chaotic world. Now don’t get me wrong I love American hip hop, neo soul, and R&B, but it was being able to see the impact of black culture around the world made it universally amazing to black. The groups literally gave me the courage to be the woman I always wanted to be and that was suppressed by years of suppression. Of course the pushback of embracing the music from overseas was immediate. I didn’t care because it saved me mentally and no one could take that way from me.

I started to journal my emotions and mediate because there was a lot of shadow work that needed to be done within myself. I really started to focus on my own self that I started to let go of all the toxicity in my life starting with my relationships. I realized I am a woman who deserves the best out of their partner not a portion. Everyday I would pick a genre of music and find a new song that relates to me. At one point I submerged myself into Mozart and Bach. I changed my diet and started working out not to catch someone, but to love myself. When people started to see the changes they tried to discourage me. I changed my fashion from conservative to rock chic. My relationships didn’t like the rock chick they wanted a conservative woman who fits in. That was never me and being musically free actually freed me mentally. The world didn’t look so small and lonely anymore being apart of these fandoms. I had people who could relate with me and actually see me as the unique individual I am. When everyone was saying black people were getting powers and their lives were going to change...welp my life definitely changed for the better. It’s like I’m on this self discovery journey that keeps giving the good, the bad and the ugly, but it’s giving me this freedom I’ve never had even before the pandemic. It’s GROWTH that now grounds me.

Let’s talk about the fandom... now as a black kpop fan you would think we can all be called kpop fans nope... there is a segregation in the fandoms and that sucks. If ever a kpop artist shows more attention or attraction to a black woman everyone is up in arms and the disrespect of black women kpop fans is just sad. We are told we are unattractive and basically we are only needed to count as a stream or vote, but never to be seen or heard smh. This is so sad in everything music is suppose to stand for and here we go with the hatred. The more I dive into the Asian music world because their is more than just Korean music their are artists and groups all throughout Asia. I find that black culture plays a big role in the music and maybe that’s why it hits me soul deep. I remember a performance that BTS did to the song ON in which they had a band I immediately knew they were paying homage to HBCU bands and I said as much in videos on TikTok. That didn’t go over so well for the white and white passing kpop fans they literally attacked the videos and said it wasn’t about black people can’t black people stop making it about them and enjoy the music. See stuff like this happens often when an Asian idol pays homage to black culture and black fans say thank you the true colors of some fans come out. I don’t know if it’s jealousy or just pure hatred for black people. It’s rather disappointing and sad on their part as the artists are always trying to be uplifting as well as positive towards their fans of all races, sizes, age, sexuality’s, etc.

Now there is an aspect of music that you have a lot of cultural appropriation on the parts of some Idols and a lot of the times when they are called out on it by black fans...white fans or white passing fans will attack the black fans. It’s so toxic and yet because we as black people are resilient in regards to banding together to protect our own it’s not hard to fight against it, but it is sad that we have to separate when it comes being fans. As anyone in the lime light you have a responsibility to your fans to respect them. Their are groups like BTS, and BigBang who may have done things in the past that was considered disrespectful to black culture and fans. They have long since made amends and apologized doing better by listening and learning about the culture they lose in their music as well as style. That is why they will always have the love the black kpop fan community and then there is the other side of this where groups like Mamamoo and NCT who constantly mock as well as disrespect their fans of color. There are other groups, but it’s too many to name...The first thing most white fans say oh it’s different over in Korea so they don’t understand about cultural appropriation and black kpop fans are making a big deal out of nothing... this may work a couple times, but constantly especially when you’ve done tours in America and know better ... you should do better. That is another sad situation where as everyone want to be black, but don’t want the true black experience smh.

I wish everyone would learn from each other and appreciate each other’s cultures instead of stealing or appropriating it.

The journey of loving myself is a rocky road... I had to understand why I was self sabotaging myself at every turn. The self hatred was real and I had no idea where it came from well at least I blocked where it came from. It was deep rooted from my own black community and the society’s view of black women. Let’s start with the black community in a world where we should love each other there is just hatred directed from some black men in regards to black women it’s so crazy where these men were given life by a black woman and raised by a black woman they in turn say we are not pretty, we are too ghetto, ratchet, need to have long hair straight hair, our hairstyles are ugly, we are too dark etc., and say they like white women because they are better than black women. These same black men will date white women who have taking black culture and changed their whole look to absolutely look like a black woman or have black features. It’s your own preference to love who you love, but for godsake why put down black women to prove your point smh. It’s sometimes feels like these certain black men have a deep rooted hate for themselves and not the black women they lash out at.

Then there is the societal experience as a black woman ... this is just as bad as the black men. This is the arguments you see on social media about wearing box braids, micro braids, injections that change your skin color brown, wearing dreadlocks, changing your appearance to appear as a black woman, and using AAVE without a knowledge of the history behind it. It amazes me that braids and afros aren’t considered professional, but in yet a non person of color can wear it without the stereotype behind it the cultural appropriation is strong nowadays. When a state has to pass laws just so black women can wear their natural hair or hairstyles that are culturally important to black women/people as whole that is sad. All these white women who argue that black culture is American culture really don’t get black culture at all. It is easy to pretend to be a black woman until you really have black women issues. The beauty standards tell black women you’re not beautiful, but when white women or white passing women get butt implants or lifts, plump their lumps, wear braided hair that is literally historically for black women, black cultural dances as their own, and use AAVE they are call trendsetters and beautiful. The literally hatred for black women is ridiculous and honestly I don’t think black women would care about it so much if we weren’t dismissed and disrespected for the white peoples benefits. Being told you’re trying act white because you wear weave is so ignorant because the hair comes Asian and Brazilian countries not European or western Caucasians. The first person start the trend of weaves and sew ins was a black woman who was a beautician. Now this doesn’t apply to everyone, but a majority of whites and white passing individuals tend to be very ignorant. The black culture was literally raised from the fact slaves and freed slaves lost their culture from Africa over years so we adapted investing in our own culture in America since our original culture was ripped from us. Like I said we as a people are resilient.

It amazes me everyone wants black women when they need something supported or protected, but being called out about respecting us a human beings now that’s when the problem comes. It’s not a black women job to educate someone who doesn’t want to learn before doing or taking. At that point you never wanted to understand you just felt privileged enough to do it without repercussions and play the victim when addressed about your ignorance.

The exhaustion from this part of my self discovery journey is a lot! It’s still a work in progress.

Taking pride in my melanin has also been a process... the dating culture for black women sucks literally. If remotely a black woman starts liking or have a preference it becomes a whole thing smh. Society has placed black women, Asian women, and Asian men with so many derogatory stereotypes that’s it’s ridiculous. Black women are labeled ratchet, ghetto, ugly and undesirable, Asian women are considered passive, subservient , and white , and Asian men are considered ugly as well as feminized by western culture. These stereotypes has played such a impact among people of color. If only we could all stand together without the judgment of society how amazing would that be? In yet if any black woman was to find a Asian man attractive it’s white society that will call them koreaboos because for some strange reason it’s against the laws of nature for anyone to find a black woman attractive or be attracted to a black woman...this is one of those make it make sense moments. Here lies the other issues white culture wants us to fit into their standards and yes I literally fell into this trap trying to fit in and I even tried to fit the stereotypes that would consider me black enough in the black community by not acknowledging my actual interests. I fell hard on that double edge sword and stayed there for so long it was suffocating me. I realized being a black woman runs deeper than just American black culture life it runs.... soul deep. As I tell white females who want to learn our culture and the why we do the things we do. I myself am having to deprogram myself from societies expectations or assumptions of how a black woman should be. And educate myself on African culture that was loss in my lineage as well as learning myself as an individual.

This is where the dating culture comes in ... see more and more black women are getting sick and tired of black men disrespecting us and mentally treating us like crap. As a black woman I will lay my life down to protect a black man from harm, but at the same time I expect the same in return. Sounds like an oxymoron huh well it is....This is something that hasn’t been reciprocal in the black community...it’s like a battle royale of the sexist sigh. We all want to have that traditional “Black Love” experience, but the way it’s setup nowadays it’s not happening. So black women have found comfort outside of the black community. Whereas it be Asian men, White men, Indian men, etc. it’s starting to look like interracial dating/relationships are more prominent nowadays. In which you would think that wouldn’t be a problem, but it definitely is because now you have some white women and black men stressing that they believe black women aren’t good enough to date and just undesirable sigh... the emotional and traumatic impact on the psyche would make the non person of color buckle.

Even with all this I realize you can’t give up on love because as long as you love yourself deeply you won’t be alone ever.

This was a lot and I really haven’t dove deep yet... this just touches the tip of the iceberg in this self discovery journey I’m on. The painting starry night is a representation of how my life is now. As the town stand still its a representation of the world never evolving from its prejudices and ignorance just stuck in one place the past. Whereas the night sky is vast and full of color intermingling with one another forming a more 3D/5D imagery. It’s beautiful how all the colors swirl together making the painting focus not on the town standing still, but the mingling and beauty of the colors surrounding it. This is where I am as of today on my journey of self discovery I’m not standing still anymore, but seeing all the colors as they swirl around me making a beautiful painting.

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