strawberrywater-poptarts - Tumblr blog

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

Here after about a year or so? God, it’s been a while. Things have changed so much since i stopped using tumblr as my personal diary. Right now i am too lazy to go out and but a notebook, so for now i’ll be writing here!

After the whole debockle with that “friend” i ended up cutting him off, he was toxic as shit and treated me like garbage. I am glad i finally noticed that, but sad about how long it took until i got to the point of telling him to buzz off. In the middle of all this i ended up also losing my best friend, due to reasons i would rather not write here (rest in peace, Ray).

I met so many amazing people, finally go recognized for my craft, started and ended my art classes and above all, i am still alive. Hell, i thought I wouldn’t make it to 16, but here i am! 18 years old, healthy, happy and very determined to keep living like this.

I know i still have a lot of obstacles ahead of me, but to be honest? So be it! If i handled all that was chucked at me till now, i can deal with whatever comes next. No matter how many times i get beaten down, i gotta get up and fight.

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

Most of my moping is about my friends, but oh well. What can ya do about it?

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

If my current situation wasn’t despairful enough, school isn’t going to be much better.

I had a week off because of an event that is going to be hosted at my school, but wednesday i’ll be going back, and i am not very excited about it.

The group i usually hang out with is a bit difficult. They actually made the effort to take me in at first, but now i am left out for most of the day, just listening to music or pacing around my mind. They think i don’t know what their deal is, but i noticed it as soon as they started. The two other artists in the group make fun of me in private, because in their view “i act like im superior” when in reality it’s the other way around. They started joking about how they are better, the only thing i did was bite back.

The other two boys i haven’t been able to decipher yet, but i think they are chill, we just dont click right.

And now for the reason i joined that school in the first place. A childhood friend of mine who i kept contact with over the years. I had issues on my last school, i gor transfered as soon as i could just so i could be with her. She is nice, but she doesn’t even hide that she thinks i am an idiot and i don’t know how to feel about that. I know i tend to dumb myself down, but to treat me like i have the mind of a child is just unfair.

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

Little Update to my last post (like someone actually reads my posts lol)

I managed to talk things out with one of the friends envolved in this situation. In the end it felt a little bitter sweet on my side, since i didn’t say all i wanted to, but honestly, i don’t think i would be able to anyways. As hurt as i am, i don’t think i could bother telling them how i feel about certain things, since it could hurt them way more than it hurt me. In the end at least we are at peace with eachother, so that’s something.

As for the other one… well, that’s when things get complicated. I already know a few patterns they tend to show every once, so i wanted to try and see what in needed to do. Conversation went like this:

“Hey, can we talk? Promise it’ll be quick, i won’t take much of your time.

“Sure”

“Ok, let’s do this. I kind of catched onto what’s happening so i am not going to bother you too much about it. I just want to know if i should stop texting you until you feel better, continue to text you normally, or if you want to talk about whatever is happening to you”

“Did someone tell you?”

“No, I just noticed something was off. I don’t know what it is exactly, i just noticed you weren’t 100%, so thought i’d check with you”

“I see. You can stop messaging me then.”

“For how long?”

“Don’t know”

“Will you tell me when you’re feeling better?”

And then i got no response after that.

I honestly feel a bit sick with all of that. We already had a heart-to-heart last year about distancing without giving any context to what is happening, but then he is doing it all over again.

Is this really how you treat someone who not even a month ago you called your best friend? I think a romantic heartbreak hurts a lot, but a platonic one hurts even worse. Should i just wait it out? Cut all contact? I have no one to talk to about this, because all of my friends are also his friends. I don’t think they’d want to deal with me moping over him being distant once again+ i’d feel bad painting him in a bad light, because i really am not fully convinced that he is doing all that just out of bitchyness. He can be so kind when he is ok.

I feel like i know why he could have gotten distant, but heck if i know, he won’t tell me.

When will i be able to live in peace with my friends without worrying that i’ll be ditched without explanation?

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

I haven’t been able to stop crying for the last hour or so.

I genuinely just cannot understand how one can be so cold after so much time together. We’ve all been friends for years, and for the longest time i have tried my best to be te kindest i could be, even if in the ende i was being emotionally crushed by the distress of always being the level-headed one. They treated me well, for a while. I mean, that really does depend on how you see kindness.

But it did take me by surprise when in the moment i finally lashed out simply because i didn’t want to take sides, they wanted to be up and gone without even bothering to talk things out or at least give me closure. Simply posting about the situation, making it out like i am not trustworthy.

I always have to be the one to run after people to talk things out, comfort them and apologize. Why can’t they do that for me at least once? For once, why couldn’t my efforts to make things right be recognized?

I feel so stupid for letting these things slip, but what else can i do? I love these assholes to death, even if i have evidence they have all been talking about me in a bad light behind my back, saying things like “i was right about her” or “why was she so mean?”

I was not mean

I was distressed

I tried to ask for forginevess and to make up to it as much as i could, but it is just never good enough, is it?

I need some rest.

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

I will never again have the calmness of being thirteen and a half and not being certain if fifteen was possible

But i’d much rather have that

Over the despair being sixteen and a half, stressing over if ill be able to live once i’ve turned 18, only having wasted youth to show for myself

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

I’ve come to finally realise why i love my characters so much

As much as people around me would argue their stories are just way too sad, i wouldn’t really see it that way. Even if in simple ways, they all get their good ending, not the happy ending, but the good one.

Being accepted, letting go of their fears, fighting off those who wronged them.

In a way, i think that why i like them so much

All of them have their flaws, really big ones, but they are capable of redemption, of feeling in tune with theirselves and with other people.

That’s why i like them

Because even if i was the one to create them, these stories give me a little hope that i will be like them one day

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

Not a vent this time! Just some silly thoughts! (Not exactly silly, i just close to that)

Its such a funny feeling to think about the things people will never know or notice about me

The real reason why i love sunsets and sunrises

How i love people playing with my hair

The fuzzy feeling it gives me when people take interest in the things i create

How i constatly rub my face when im nervous or emberassed

All just mundane little things that wouldn’t make that much of a difference if people noticed, but in a way would show that they pay attention to me

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

if someone could just bash my head into a wall several times until my brain shoots out of my skull and bounces all ovver the place, that would be very appreciated

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

right now everything feels so funny

no funny in a sense of it being amusing, but in a sense of this whole situation being so confusing and sad that it becomes laughable

i don't think anyone else would feel that way if they knew what is going on, but then again, its not like i would ever tell, its just not worth all the "everything will be fine"

"i don't think you're a burden"

"well, that seems really difficult"

and then just changing de subject.

so instead ill just write about it anonymously on the internet like a damn coward who has failed their pourpose

i never thought it would end up that way, but if i get no help for myself i just cannot keep trying to save others

as much as i love them, i know how much indifference they feel towards me and its honestly torture, even if they dont mean it, i know the resentment they have towards me

even in trying to help, i managed to fail and oh well, here i am.

i am a therapist friend, and nothing outside of that

thats what people will always se me as, no matter how much i try to be lovable

i honestly wanted to run away from it all for a bit without warning anyone, so that way when i come back i can see if they missed me, if my absense bothered them at all

but then again, i am still just a coward

so i guess ill just stay here waiting for the day that i can at least be at peace with myself (if it does ever come)

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

Haha its me again... i didn't think i would need to use tumblr for this again so soon since i thought i had finally put my life on track, but i guess its always just a question of time isn't it? For me to come back like a crybaby.

As always, something dumb set off an alarm in my brain

I feel like i am wasting my life while everyone around has already lived theirs or is living it right now. Even if i wanted to, i would never be able to do what they do, and it kills me just to think about it. I wouldn't say i am a particularly boring person by any means, yet i lack in so many things it takes to keep people around and to have an insteresting life.

I am too shy, so i can never start conversation

I am too sensitive to noise so i could never go to a party with other teens

I am too much of a hopeless romantic and have very specific views on love, so i could never participate in hookup culture

I am too emotionally sensitive for people to handle and i always need too much attention

Always too much

And this isn't a good thing. Oh what wouldn't i give to be normal? To live carefree, not worrying about all of those things. This kind of suffering has become too glamourized, and even if people on the internet see all of those things as a positive trait, i could never find peace with it irl.

All i wanted was to be normal.

And to top it all off, my friends group.

As talkative as i am, i live inside of my head for most of the day, analyzing their every behaviour. The way they type, the way they speak, patterns in the way they treat eachother in different situations. And because of that, i always know what is happening and what is going to happen

"A blessing" as some might say.

But in reality it can be quite tiring. Because when you always know what is going to happen, it can hurt twice as much, because you knew it would happen, yet you never gathered the courage to do anything to preserve peace, and the worst that could happen actually happened

But now i cannot just live without this dread

Now i always fear something is going to happen and because i couldn't open my mouth

I love all of my friends to death, and really don't think i would be here without them

But i know its one-sided

They all have something interesting going on

Hobbies

Active love life

Their own adventures

But i just sit and watch.

My role in every friend group is almost as a support dog

I am cute, i try and take care of everyone, but thats all i am. And i do not blame them for that, i just wished it was different.

I am not making any sense, am i?

I don't really know what to do anymore. I need to be up and gone soon, but i am too much of a coward to actually do it.

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

Sitting all by myself AGAIN lmao

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

" once one has been pricked by one of Eros' arrows, one never falls out of love "

[strawberrywater-poptarts]

❤Another dream report about a romantic dream!❤

This time around it was just plain adorable, no actual suffering (at least not on my part)

I cannot quite recall everything in full detail tho, only a few snippets that felt nice to share

Altough my dreams tend to create their own memories in order to make many of the nonsense that happens make sense, i do believe it was on this dream i started dating him

Almost 100% i was the one to ask him out

He was SO sweet, always smiling, got poutty when i didn't want to kiss him in public because he wanted attention, tried to hug me all the time and was overall a bliss to be around

Something about him actually brought back a part of me i haven't seem in a while, makes me feel fuzzy, but at the same times bring me a sort of dread to know that maybe i won't se him again for a while. The way he looked at me made me feel special and i want him to feel the same way, i want to kiss him and hold him close to me for forever until time ends.

Little aesthetic photo i took the other day cause i thought it would look nice

Thanks for paying attettion to silly little old me gushing over someone who isn't real nor fictional🌹