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[stuckymarvelbuckycaptain-blog]

The Cactus Fic

Pairing: Dan Howell/Phil Lester Warnings: Explicit content Summary: Dan and Phil add a new member to their family; a cactus named Daisy.

“Dan, look at this!” Phil bounded into their apartment and crashed into each wall when he ran up the stairs leaving dents all over the place. He barged into Dan’s room without even knocking. Dan was lounging on his seductively, yet normally, in bed while still in his birthday suit. Phil held up the giant 10ft cactus he was carrying in the air. “I named her Daisy!”

Dan is shocked at Phil’s intrusion and stands right up. The 10 foot cactus was the least of his worries. How could his BFF see him naked! Dan quickly realized standing up did not help his situation and grabbed the nearest object to his left to cover his dingle- a snow globe of a snowman.

Phil was completely unbothered by the state of his roommate. He was too excited about the new addition he brought to the family. “Look what I just brought back from America (Arizona to be specific)!” Phil exclaimed.

“What is it?” Dan asked, staring at the blatant giant plant in front of him.

“A daisy Dan, that is why I named it Daisy. Duh.” Phil pointed to the cactus beside him. Why would he name a plant anything other than it’s scientifically given name?

“A daisy is a weed,” Dan said matter of factly and dropped the snowman snow globe. It shattered and glitter water went everywhere.

“Dan! You’re hurting her feelings.” Phil was mad. How could Dan go a call his new sister a weed? He wrapped his arms around the plant and dragged it to his room scratching every wall. Dan could deal with the landlord.

After 1.4 hours of tension, Dan went into Phils’s room to apologize.

“I’m really sorry about your Daisy bro.”

“It alright, I can always just fly a plane back to America. I just got my pilots license!”

“Sweet! Can you take me?”

“Apologize to Daisy,” Phil demanded.

Dan went over to the corner where the spiky Daisy was and stroked it tenderly. “Sorry.” His hand is full of spikes now.

“Alright Dan pack your bags, it’s vidcon time!”

The plane ride was long and shaky due to Phil JUST completing pilots school. Dan spent the whole fligtpht with his heart in his throat and its lucky they didn’t die. Especially with all their vidcon plans waiting. Dan would have to do a story time vid on this near death experience. Part 2.

The first stop, after buying Phil his new Daisy of course, was to the hotel. Unfortunately, they had to walk the whole way. Double unfortunately, they had to share a hotel room since the whole hotel was taken up by douche gliding white boy viners.

“This sucks, I’d rather get run over by one of those glider things than share a hotel room,” Dan complained dramatically. How was he supposed to jerk it if someone else was in the same room?

“Is it Daisy 2.0?” Phil didn’t know why Dan didn’t want to share a hotel room.

Dan sighed loudly and went to lock himself in the bathroom.

In the meantime, Phill called the hotel people and told them to take Daisy back to the wild and set her free. Maybe Dan would be happy now.

While Dan sat in the bathroom, deciding there was a good place to try and rub one out, Phil was sobbing uncontrollably in the main room. It was really killing the mood for Dan.

“Shut up Phil!” Dan yelled from the toilet seat. “Some of us are doing IMPORTANT things!”

That only made Phil cry more. He sounded like an opossum being tortured.

“I feel like you don’t even need me anymore! I used to do that for you you know.” Phil wailed.

“Yeah and you did a pretty shit job at it if I remember right.”

“You’re SO MEAN!” Phil screamed. “IM CANCELLING ALL OF OUR VIDCON COLLABS!”

This was too far. Dan slammed open the bathroom door and climbed right on top of Phil, getting right in his grill. “I’m… sorry.”

“OH DANY!” Phil wrapped his arms around Dan’s neck and hugged him as tight as John Cena’s choke hold.

“And… Daisy can stay at the flat.” Dan sighed, sitting up so he was straddling Phil and putting far too much weight on his small intestine.

“THANK YOU DANNY!” Phil cheered and pulled Dan’d head down to suction cup their lips together. When they parted, a trail of spit was left between them. Dan took the liberty of slurping it all up.

“Can you finish what I started?” Dan asked and gestured to his crotchel area.

“Anything for you Dan!” Phil unzipped Dan’s pants faster than lightning. With as much force as it would take to lift Thor’s hammer, Phil flipped Dan over so he could properly rip his pants off. Beneath it he was THROBBING.

“Oh my…” Phil whispered. Phil remembered Dan’s diddle, but he didn’t remember it being THIS monstrous. “Are you on Viagra?”

“Whatever!” Dan was so impatient and so horny he just couldn’t take it anymore. He took Phil’s hand and placed it onto his Giant erection.

“That’s not where that goes,” Phill smirked and moved lower, practically swallowing Dan whole.

“HDIEIRJNGHVUVJF,” Dan gasped. His muscles instantly contracted so tightly he thought he was going to throw up. Phil licked and slobbered and sucked Dan’s dong like his life depended on it. “HNNNNHHHHGG! YES PHILADELPHIA!”

Phil slobbered and licked and sucked some more and Dan grabbed the back of Phil’s head and shoved his fat wang down Phil’s throat as he came violently 2oz of cum.

“Wowza!” Phil shouted when he finally rolled off of Dan. It was so intense for Dan that he telepathically transferred some of the pleasure to Phil who also came violently and exactly 2oz. They were still laying on the ground and a giant cum stain surrounded them. How were they going to explain that to the vidcon hotel staff?

Suddenly, there was a loud knocking at the door. Dan and Phil stood up faster than you can say “wow that’s fast.”

“I hope it’s not a staff member kicking us out for being too loud,” Phil worried. He was sweating with nervousness. He still had so much vidcon stuff to do. He opened the door slowly.

There she was, in her 10ft glory. Daisy.

“You came back!” They cheered in unison, still naked and covered in nasty substances. Together, at the same time, they both launched forward to hug the cactus, completely covering themselves in sharp needles. As long as it meant their dear beloved Daisy was back, it was worth it.

That was until Daisy decided do stab one long needle right through Dan’s heart. If she couldn’t have Phil, no one could.

Fin.