subjectivediscord-blog

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Breath in light

Exhale blight 

Known for sickness

Rumored for fulfilment  

Acceptance of failure

Hope for success

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Smell of Juniper

I will never find sanctuary in you. 

Never will I smell the sweet scent of your flowers

Nor nourishment in your fruit. 

All that will come from you is poison that fills my stomach. 

Intoxication from a rotten flower. 

The smell of sweet juniper turns to mead. 

Turns to alcohol. 

I turn to alcohol. 

[subjectivediscord-blog]

The Story Of Discord Disk One (Part IV)

Hey remember me? I sure as shit dont...It's been a fucking minute. Well let me give you all (myself) a recap. Im better. I hit a low over the last few months where even this shitty “blog” wasn't doing it for me, I couldn't even bring myself to berait myself on my own wall. After a while I didn't think I would make it. But here I am. Still alive, still filling in my own blanks. 

Let's start this off right shall we? I fucked up that last bit of 2018 so fuck it. Let's start 2019 off right. im happy, believe it or not, I found some kind of peace with myself. I feel the desire to get up and do something with myself. A friend of mine asked me to help with a youtube channel, thats always kinda been a life goal of mine, so this is big for me. I plan to do something with this chance. Maybe now I can do more then rant at this laptop with a false hope that enough people would take pity in me.... That's not fair, not to me or anyone who reads this. I know I spend a lot of time bitching in a way that makes it sound like im fishing for a reaction, but honestly I don’t need that, seeing the few people that do read this makes me happy. And if anything else, at least writing gets my chest freed up. 

P.s. I know i'm going to read this later, yes we were drunk. no you don’t need to feel bad. 

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Hold my hand and take this heart

Breath new life into art

Break my spirit

Break my heart

Show me sour, show me tart.

I am lost to you, lost to my memories

take me back there

Take me to when we held hands

Take me back to when we said the word love

Fuck it burns

I’ve seen this to many times over.

I try to remember your name but see to many faces. 

It might be me,

I might be the denominator. 

And I'm sorry for that

I’ve said that to many times before

Just now I mean it

I can’t prove it. But its here

[subjectivediscord-blog]

I was going to try to post something but nothing comes to mind. No one reads this anyway.

[subjectivediscord-blog]

The Story Of Discord Disk One (Part III)

This morning I woke up to a pissed off roomate, a headache, and a blanket comprised of empty liqueur bottles. Not just any bottles though. All of the bottles. Every last drop of alcohol in the house was consumed by me in one tornado of a night. My phone revealed my intentions. An hour call to one of my Exs, six chat logs to people who I know for a fact did not want to be talking to me at 3am. I was on a holy conquest to either fix relationships or further destroy them.

Today I put on my shoes, combed my hair, got some breakfast, all the while ignoring the voices in my head screaming at me, stating that we fucked up in a big way. My body felt expired, my head thumped louder than a black sabbath concert, and my heart filled with a very bitter sense of guilt. When I finally couldn't take it anymore and had no other option but to processes my actions, I ended up right here. Writing the next chapter of this clusterfuck of a memoir.

Nothing in me changed, no eye openers, no sudden acceptance that there is a problem. Hell I will probably end up doing this exact same thing next week. The reason this is a new chapter is because i've hit a new point in my life, one where rock bottom is the norm and If someone come to grips with it. Normally I would be in a frenzy trying to undo the dumb shit I did. Id send essays to people letting them know i'm sorry. Id sit in a corner and cry while beating myself up in my head. No, today im indifferent, and to me that's progress. Mistakes happen and getting worked up does nothing for it. Sure I need to work on not being a fuck up, and probably stare my addiction in the eyes. But im indifferent today and to thats something.

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Just another episode

Why does resting this gun to my head feel more comfortable then a pillow. Is this a product of my broken head or a sign that I as a human am fundamentally fucked. I dont wish to die but damn it does this cold metal feel godlike when held to my skull. Dear mother. Dear father, dear sister and brothrs, cousins. Im not leaving just yet. I have years left in me, but I fear time is slipping from me.

I couldn't even tell you what day of the week it is, hour of the day, or even what year we are in. To the god I have no proof in, bless my loved ones, for I can not. To the ash I will become. Please ease thier pain. Please dont let my pain go to them. What ever my deed will be, I dont want them to take what I do as selfish. Take it as me giving all I ever could. I will not let things be unfixed before I leave this world. Im not a pertinent. Nothing can change that. Nothing in this world was meant to be mine till the end and I accept that. But I will give what I can to my friend till my use is used up.

Am I damned or am I holy. Not my choice to make. I cant see myself as Either. I see the nephilim. Born from good and evil, with no course set in fates write. Im a being of my owe creation that chooses to give myself to others. Even if it kills me... damn it I dont want to have a "me" I belong to the world. Till the day I learn otherwise.

How much longer am I here? Years? Months? Days? Or the off chance is decade's. Maybe... hopefully...I do not wish to perish. But if thats what it takes to set this world strait.

[Teach him love

Teach him life

Teach him what it means to be one for fucks sake, the damned kid needs a break]

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Ash and Dust

In the hallow of night, hear the ashen birds call.

Fear not the reaper but the angel of death.

Feathers of coal, may the moon soon fall

An omen of plague, a man takes his last breath

Heed this warning, and take it in stride

The ashen bird calls, so swallow your pride

Know not your greed, wash it down with humility.

All the same, we know our names, but whos keeping count.

Will you spare yourself, in the hallow of night

[subjectivediscord-blog]

What have I done

And here I sit with an ashen rose. It gives me no solace to call it my own. But a rusted old pocket knife lay in front of me, hidden somewhere in a sea of broken glass. The more I look at it, I become uneasy. The smell of stail smoke clouds my better judgement, complemented by my burning eyes. It is time for me to lay to rest.

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Learn and Live

Hold your head up high, it will be ok young son

You gave it your all, no taking back whats done

Learn from this leason. Move on with life

Know your name, for it holds a ton

Your tears are justified, it must hurt like a knife

I know of your pain, so put down that gun

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Spirits and Chasers

My demon is a shape shifter.

Sometimes shes a pretty blue eyed mistress named Skyy

Other days he fancys himself a dark skinned buck called Jack

Some days hes my bud, others she has a bite as bitter cold as the Yukon.

Id put her down if her eyes didint sparkle like sapphires

There will be a time where ill cut myself of

But not right now, because its 5 O'clock

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Warm Rainy Day

Feel the the sun, through the rain

Gentle drops, oh the songs they sang.

Feel the warmth come back again.

Relaxing hum of, from the water drain.

Sun is hiding, but warm all the same

Goodbye winter, Hello rain. 

[subjectivediscord-blog]

My sweet Yvette

Could you forgive us my sweet girl.It broke our heart to watch you leave this world, it was to cold to shelter you from this storm here. If not myself at least her.

Not a day goes by where I do not feel the pain, I take the blame, either way its all the same, you had your moment and as it came I saw how vain, Vain it was to choose my path over ours. Hours Ive stayed awake praying for you to forgive us, hours of night without sleep so she could rest while the rest of the world moved.

I can't promise you will meet me. Nor can I even ask to see, that in which I had forsaken. Honey you where not taken. But my pain could not be faken. I love you Angel, please stay safe in heaven.

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Ouch

Life sucks,drunk and alone. Ive been replaced and its my fault. My confession is that I never fought for myself but yet for others whom dont give a rats fuck about me. The silance Iv given is murder writen in a million words without one being spoken. God save me if you are listening. I have not the strength to pick myself up

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Locked in a box all alone on a shelf. Pitch black walls are all that I know. I would speak, but what would the point be. They cant hear my crys or my calls to be free. Im not even on display, just forgotten and burried. I dream of what the outside looks like. Im been here so long I dont think I recall what light feels like.

[subjectivediscord-blog]

Iv disappeared before you had the chance to even learn my name

Left you behind and drowend out your flame.

Ill write on your grave; you could have been saved

That much I owe to you

[subjectivediscord-blog]

My Light

Be it the cold or even the dark, but now more then ever do I miss my light.

Spring has yet to be the same since the night the light never returned.

What can one expect when the you flip the switch? When you walk away?

The cold is bitter and harsh but I stay optimistic. I may have snuffed it out but maybe I can relight it.

Come back to me my light, guide my path. Shelter me from the dark

Come back to me