suckysquid - Tumblr blog

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everyone leaves me. I wish someone would just stay for once.

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I’m so tired of having to be strong and do everything myself, I just want someone to hold my hand and listen while I cry and tell me everything will be ok.

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Sobriety rant

My therapist said something that I keep thinking about, apparently something I do when I get upset is I mentally switch from the adult I am now to the helpless child I was when I was being abused so basically, when I get super upset, I react how a 7 year old reacts because I am 7 year old me. So, at 7, my parents would have told me to do what I’m told and that I have no choice in getting sober and that I’m useless, worthless, and a burden. But the truth is that I am getting sober because i have no choice because I am not giving myself another choice. I am doing this for me, and I am proud of myself for making this decision. No one is going to hit me or ridicule me, and any hiccups along the way will not be mercilessly punished and mocked. I will get sober because I deserve to be happy and I want to remember and experience everything life has to offer. I am leaving an abusive home, and I am going to do that sober so I can remember every second of glorious freedom and happiness that I can. I can do this, it would be cool to have a support system of some kind but I’ve brought myself back from a suicide attempt and an eating disorder BY MYSELF. I am here by a goddamn miracle and I’m going to make that everyone’s problem when I’m sober.

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I’m trying to get sober for the first time since I was 18 !!

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okie imma process something so bear with me, here’s the story of my best friend attempting suicide and me having to call the ambulance for her.

we’d been friends for a couple years, we met out freshman year of college, and we’d grown apart a lot. we both struggle with depression and both got really bad during quarantine. I also attempted on August 16 however it didn’t work (yknow cuz I’m writing this) and I just didn’t want to talk about it with anyone. I had a headache for days and I’ve been throwing up randomly lately but I just don’t want to deal with it.

She sent me a Snapchat that just said “goodbye” and I felt my heart drop. I had been in the middle of a final when she sent it so I didn’t see it for an hour. I was so scared. I called her, texted her, FaceTimed, Instagram dm’ed, everything I could and she finally answered one of my calls. She wouldn’t show me her face and I could barely understand her between her sobs, and I could barely hear her over my own. She had taken an entire bottle of her medication an hour earlier and I thought I was too late, but I begged her to go to the bathroom to try and throw it up. She just shook her head and at one point her phone fell and the video call said “paused” like she’d dropped her phone. I let out such a loud sob my sister heard me from across the house. I called 911 and I was freaking out because I didn’t know what room number she was in. I called her my best friend but I didn’t even know where she lived. They still found her, she stabilized while I called the police officer and paramedics at least ten times for updates.

The morning afterward, she told me she didn’t feel comfortable telling me about her pain, and hadn’t got a long time. I asked her what I could do, and she said nothing and blocked me. She blocked me on everything except Instagram but my feelings were too hurt to dm her. She texted me after we matched on bumble of all places, and we’ve been catching up and I feel so much for her. I love her as a friend and as more but I just care about her being happy and being okay, I don’t need a relationship because her well being is what matters the most to me. She’s been through so much and had such a hard life that all I want for her is happiness.

How do I make this ok? I don’t know how to approach this friendship/relationship and I don’t know how to forget what happened. I almost lost her and it felt so horrible I thought I might die.

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I need somewhere to put my thoughts bc I don’t have any friends hiiiiii

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lol I got addicted to it

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shut the hell up and think about rubber ducky isopods

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to get into the thick of it again

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Mycena sp.

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I have this fantasy of being stuck in a rain storm with this girl in a car and the heaters are on and the seat warmers are on so the windows are foggy and the rain is hitting the roof...and then kissing and cuddling while listening to hozier and phoebe bridgers and bon iver in the backseat like 🥺 I want a gf so bad oh my god

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Every now and then I forget that I’m a RAGING homosexual and try to convince myself I’d have sex with a man ever again and I fucKinG GAGGED thinking about it and then started fantasizing about a pretty girl

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I have never met this girl but she replies to the videos I post on canvas for my sustainable cities class and I respond to hers and I know it’s probably in my head but it feels like there’s tension? she’s so pretty and I can’t just flirt with her on CANVAS but like...