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[suicideawareness]

Sometimes in life things change. Things don't always go as planned, but sometimes it's for the best. Over the last few weeks I've finished my 2nd term of LPN school, got engaged and my amazing fiance bought us a house. 9 months ago I was supposed to move back to North Carolina and start school there, then I met him. He changed everything. He made me smile, he made me feel normal, he made me feel alive, he made me happy. Through all of the ups and downs I wouldn't want anyone else. He was there when my grandfather died, he was there when I had to put my cat down, he's been there through my breakdowns. He's helped me through my mental health. He happened. He happened only 2 short weeks before I was supposed to leave, but for him I stayed. I stayed for the smiles, laughs, tears, fights, random days together, hunting, farming and everything in between. He is the love of my life and I cannot wait to do life together. So thank you for everything you've done for me throughout the last few months and I can't wait to start planning our wedding and our future.

Let change happen. Sometimes it's the best thing to happen.

[suicideawareness]

Sorry for not posting in a very long time! I decided to officially buy a new house and close in 3 weeks! Also I ended first term of college and now am on to second and it's a shit show but we're getting! I'm following my dreams are you?

[suicideawareness]

I apologize for not posting lately it's been one of hell of a few weeks. I've started nursing school 5 days a week 8 hours a day and my grandfather passed away about two weeks ago due to mouth cancer. With everything good comes something bad. But the good will always outweigh the bad just keep holding on 💕

[suicideawareness]

Hi anon with the Suicide hotline number speed dial ask, I really don’t want to go to school tomorrow because I’m really depressed and the last ask and I don’t know what to do because the only person who i will see who knows isn’t in my house witch means I can’t use it as an excuse help please

We all occasionally need a mental health day. Just let someone know. Talk to a counselor at school. Go to the Dr for a migraine. Say you feel nauseous. It's okay to take a mental health day and sleep in. Talk to a friend at school. Counselors are there for a reason. When I was in high school I talked to a counselor twice a week. I made appointments so at least I was talking to someone professional not just family. They're there to help you use it to your advantage

[suicideawareness]

One day I made a joke with one of my depressed friends “people like us have the suicide hotline on speed dial” next day I’m on the phone with a suicide hotline because I came very close to attempting to kill my self funny right?

Sometimes our methods of coping with depression is to joke. I do it all of the time. I joke about myself but it's my way of I guess hiding it in a sense. Sometimes it makes us feel better. But you are worth so much more. That hotline is there for you to talk to someone for a reason

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The first time I ever thought of suicide was in the 7th grade. I just hated life and I think it was the hormonal changes that was going on at the time. Then I attempted it for the first time. It was a brisk evening on October 13 that as I went down stairs to go to bed, I took a plastic grocery bag. I tried suffocating myself with the bag but was unsuccessful as there was a tiny hole that was still allowing air in. I was so angry at the time but when I thought about it, I told myself that God said it wasn’t my time to go yet. I tell my parents and tell them I need to get help. My mom called the school and got me in to see the counselor immediately. I never cried so hard in my life. It became a daily thing with me sitting in her office because I couldn’t handle people even looking at me.

The next attempt was in the spring. I started cutting myself but as it turns out I was cutting myself the wrong direction so I could not of done anything to myself.. I still hated everything in life and wished that I would fall asleep and never wake up. I left this time to get help. It worked for awhile until all these feelings started coming back. I dealt with it forever it felt like and I wanted to just kill myself daily. It went on for just over a year until something that I call a miracle happened.

It wasn’t until the end of 8th that this miracle happened and it was at a Track Meet. I met someone who changed my life. Just the way he talked to me made me feel so complete. We started dating a couple weeks later and my life was perfect then. It was hard at first because he lived 5 hours away but he made me happy. There wasn’t a bad thought in my brain for the next two years. We did everything we could do together and It was nice to have a boyfriend who was also your best friend. I hadn’t had a friend in a long time.

It was the middle of sophomore year when he calls me crying to tell me that he slept with someone else.. I was devastated and just felt like I wasn’t ever good enough. I cried and cried, but I told him I wasn’t breaking up with him because it wasn’t acceptable. We stopped talking for a week just so I could figure out what to do with myself. I then tried to end my life again but this time it was with a gun. I had the gun loaded and ready to go. I put the end of the gun to the side of my head and I started shaking and crying so bad that I dropped the gun and called him bawling and told him I needed him right now. He said “why” I just said that I needed him and he better come. I never told him that I tried shooting myself but he drives up to see me and we talk and I said that it wasn’t right for him to sleep with someone else but I told him that it was okay as long as he didn’t do it again. He said I really didn’t want to babe but he forced me to. He was crying when he told me this. I asked who it was and I messaged the person and asked what had happened and Hunter was telling the truth. The guy told me that he was refusing to because he had a “boyfriend” but the guy thought he was lying. I told the guy well I am his boyfriend and he is sitting next to me crying. I told the guy we will be filing a sexual assault charge. The guy hung up and blocked the number. But we had everything we needed to do so. We got that taken care of.

Then a few months later I was taken advantage of and was the victim of sexual assault as well and it made me feel awful. I couldn’t live with myself and it took a lot out of me. I didn’t even respect myself anymore. I just didn’t want that to happen so I started seeing a therapist yet again and the thoughts of suicide haunted me. We dealt with my problem and moved on the best we could.

It was two months into my senior year and we decided it was time that we should take a break and focus on ourselves for once. We still talked daily and still loved each other. It was almost like we were still dating but didn’t have the title as boyfriends.

It was just a normal day after school when I got this message from Bryant (a guy that I had a crush on for awhile) and I don’t know what it was about it but it made me super happy. There wasn’t anything else in that moment that would of made me happier. We talked pretty much ever since that day. It’s been nearly 3 years and there isn’t anything that I haven’t told him. If I’ve been depressed he knew, if I had the suicidal thoughts he stepped up asked what was wrong and helped me through it.

He ended up telling me that he was “bisexual” but I knew that wasn’t the truth. I told him I didn’t believe him and told him he was Gay. We talked everyday and got super close and then something happened…he started dating this girl. I think it was because he thought he had to prove me wrong. I was upset as anyone should be when you like someone that much and they abandon you He completely shut me out for about two months and then he started messaging me again and I tried not to let my feelings for him get in the way again. That relationship went on for about 9 months. He ended it as I left for college and told me that he wanted a future with me in it and wished I didn’t leave for School. I came home almost every weekend for him. I really wanted this. I end up coming home at the end of the semester and became ill and ended up in the hospital for 11 days. He was scared..

It was about a month after that I find out he was dating a girl again… I was then confused yet again on why he was leading me on to abandon me. We quit talking for awhile and then he starts coming around again and we started visiting each other at work. I felt terrible because he was making advances on me. I finally had enough and told his girlfriend about it and he finally did something he needed to do.

Last year in November he saved me. It was his birthday mind you but I texted him and told him I was ending my life. I overdosed on Tylenol. If it wasn’t for him taking It so seriously and calling my brother I would have taken my life. It wasn’t until that moment that I realized he really did care. I realized as I was slowly losing all feeling and becoming dazed and confused that I was slowly dying and I knew I wasn’t going to come out of it. Responders showed and somehow saved me. The next morning I couldn’t even describe how sorry I was to do that to someone who cares.

I decided then that I was going to go back to rehab and get the medications that I should of never stopped taking in the first place. I was to stubborn and thought I was to good for pills. It was the help that I needed. It was him that made me so determined to get help and be “better”. I loved him and I couldn’t hurt him anymore…

Fast forward to now I have completely changed. I have a positive attitude towards life which I hadn’t had in years… I have moved to a new place. Have a job that I love. I think I still have the support from him.

Being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of. There are several million people that have it.

Reach out! There are people that will help, you just have to ask. I think that in itself is the hardest part. I know that is what I struggled with the most.

[suicideawareness]

Sometimes in life the best people are completely unexpected. Sometimes these people into our lives and we don’t exactly know why at first but eventually we figure it out. Sometimes fate has a really funny way of showing itself. Sometimes the people you would never think would end up together do. Sometimes you hear so much shit about a person it worries you, but after being with them they constantly prove everyone wrong. Sometimes you don’t listen to those people because well fate brought you here and your heart is keeping you here. Sometimes people come into our lives to change it for the better. To show you that not everyone is the same. That not everyone is that horrible person you once dated that broke your heart or treated you like shit. Sometimes you fall fast, but the good fast. You see life brings you to where you need to be or where you should be. We are all on our own timeline we don’t have to listen to anyone or beat anyone else’s timeline. Don’t listen to anyone. Your life is your life, not theirs. Just because they went to college straight out of high school, got a degree and got married and started a family by 24 doesn’t mean you have to. Do what makes you happy. Take off of school, take time off of work, be with those you love and those who love you. Enjoy your life. March to your own drum.

[suicideawareness]

With the other day being mental health day I found some of these. You are not alone. Although it may feel like you are you aren’t. Your life is worth more than you think it is. Life is worth living even when it doesn’t feel as if it is. Everything happens for a reason. You were put on this Earth for a reason and everything that’s ever been thrown at you has been for a reason. It’s because YOU ARE strong enough to handle it. YOU ARE perfect in your own little way. Enjoy every moment of life. Do everything that scares the shit out of you because in the end it is worth it and YOU ARE worth it.

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“What is success? It is being able to go to bed each night with your soul at peace.”

— Paulo Coelho

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“Fate has a way of stepping in and guiding you the direction you need to go even when you yourself has no intention of creating that path.”

—

Fisher Amelie, Thomas & January

(via quotefeeling)

[suicideawareness]

Don't let the fear of striking out ruin your chances. Take the risk.

Anonymous

[suicideawareness]

I don't want perfect, I want worth it. You see I don't want the big ring or the fancy car. I want the small house with a porch and land that I can spend time with my family and watch my kids well be kids again and not inside always. I want worth it. I want the fights and the endless makeups. The smiles and the tears. The laughs and the yelling. Because my dear when you realize that you'll never have perfect everything makes a little more sense.

[suicideawareness]

They say you don’t get to decide who your family is but to me, well I think that is completely wrong. You see I have been through hell and back and I will admit that even if it’s hard. Every issue I went through between an abusive father and shitty exes I went through for a reason. In the end I got to decide who my family became. My family became friends, friends who have never left even if we don’t talk everyday or once a month, or if we see each other everyday. My family became people who aren’t blood. “I have family that ain’t blood, and blood that ain’t family”. It’s a quote to live by. Family doesn’t have to be blood, family are the ones who never give up on you, the ones who are there no matter what you go through or how often you talk or see each other. Family is family. Family is through thick and thin. And I am so incredibly lucky to have the family I have. Without them I know I wouldn’t be where I am today. I owe my life to them because without them I wouldn’t exist anymore.

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When I die whether I’m old and grey or young and skinny I don’t want people to cry. I want people to be able to say that I did everything I ever wanted to. You see I took 2 years off of school after high school so I could travel. Everyone said it’s a horrible idea you will never go anywhere. I didn’t care. At 20 years old I can sit here and say I’ve driven half way across the country from NJ to TX and back the opposite way. I can say I’ve seen Nashville, Memphis, Dallas, Arlington, Austin, Houston, New Orleans, Atlanta, Myrtle Beach. I can say I stood on the line and one half of my body was in Arkansas and the other was in Texas. I can say I’ve been through Baton Rouge and to the Museum Of Death in New Orleans. I can say I’ve been to Salem, MA and up and down the entire East Coast. I took time off to simply focus on myself. To work and travel. Some may say it was a horrible idea, others may say I’m insane. But you see my dear I do not care for it’s my life and I will never change it. I’m so glad I took time off to focus on myself and do what I love. Never give up on your dreams, sometimes other dreams take longer than most but they will happen if you make it happen.

[suicideawareness]

They say in your lifetime you fall in love with 3 people each one for a specific reason. The first love is the one that looks right. You’re probably in high school and it seems like a complete fairy tale.  This is the love that appeals to what we should be doing for society’s sake—and probably our families. We enter into it with the belief that this will be our only love and it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t feel quite right, or if we find ourselves having to swallow down our personal truths to make it work because deep down we believe that this is what love is supposed to be. 

The second love: The hard love

The second is supposed to be our hard love—the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts, whether through lies, pain or manipulation. We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. Sometimes it’s unhealthy, unbalanced or narcissistic even. There may be emotional, mental or even physical abuse or manipulation—most likely there will be high levels of drama. This is exactly what keeps us addicted to this story line, because it’s the emotional roller coaster of extreme highs and lows and like a junkie trying to get a fix, we stick through the lows with the expectation of the high.

The third love: The love that lasts.

And the third is the love we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn’t seem possible. It’s the kind where the connection can’t be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it. This is the love where we come together with someone and it just fits—there aren’t any ideal expectations about how each person should be acting, nor is there pressure to become someone other than we are. We are just simply accepted for who we are already—and it shakes to our core. It isn’t what we envisioned our love would look like, nor does it abide by the rules that we had hoped to play it safe by. But still it shatters our preconceived notions and shows us that love doesn’t have to be how we thought in order to be true. It’s the love that just feels right. 

Maybe we don’t all experience these loves in this lifetime, but perhaps that’s just because we aren’t ready to. Maybe the reality is we need to truly learn what love isn’t before we can grasp what it is. Possibly we need a whole lifetime to learn each lesson, or maybe, if we’re lucky, it only takes a few years. Perhaps it’s not about if we are ever ready for love, but if love is ready for us. And then there may be those people who fall in love once and find it passionately lasts until their last breath. Those faded and worn pictures of our grandparents who seemed just as in love as they walked hand-in-hand at age 80 as they did in their wedding picture—the kind that leaves us wondering if we really know how to love at all. Someone once told me they are the lucky ones, and perhaps they are. But I kinda think that those who make it to their third love are really the lucky ones. They are the ones who are tired of having to try and whose broken hearts lay beating in front of them wondering if there is just something inherently wrong with how they love. But there’s not; it’s just a matter of if their partner loves in the same way they do or not. Just because it has never worked out before doesn’t mean that it won’t work out now. What it really comes down to is if we are limited by how we love, or instead love without limits. We can all choose to stay with our first love, the one that looks good and will make everyone else happy. We can choose to stay with our second under the belief that if we don’t have to fight for it, then it’s not worth having—or we can make the choice to believe in the third love. The one that feels like home without any rationale; the love that isn’t like a storm—but rather the quiet peace of the night after. And maybe there’s something special about our first love, and something heartbreakingly unique about our second…but there’s also just something pretty amazing about our third. The one we never see coming. The one that actually lasts. The one that shows us why it never worked out before. And it’s that possibility that makes trying again always worthwhile, because the truth is you never know when you’ll stumble into love.

“You found parts of me I didn’t know existed and in you I found a love I no longer believed was real.” ~ Unknown

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[suicideawareness]

I travel because I was never meant to be in one place. I travel because I want to be 80 years old telling my grandkids about the world and what it was like. I travel for the experience. Money may fill your pockets but traveling my dear fills your soul. Traveling is the endless happiness there is within me. The little I have left. You don't need to know where you're going you just need to know where you want to end up.