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We looked inside some of the posts by sunshinesrealfeelings and here's what we found interesting.
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Notes Per Post
2
Likes Per Post
1
Reblog Per Post
0
Reply Per Post
1
Time Between Posts
4 months
Number of Posts By Type
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17
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February 2, 2025
January was fine. I wanted to go to a university but my FASFA did not come in so I’m back at community college for another semester, when will I be let out of these shackles. I’m gonna start preparing for a 5k which isn’t much but hopefully it will help me practice a healthier lifestyle, again I’m really bad at math so I have no idea what’s going on in my class. I miss Isabella and honestly I’m getting a little jealous idk I’m happy she is having all these amazing experiences and making new friends but I’m always scared she will forget about me. I know that crazy but what if she decides I’m not growing the same way she is, I’m just paranoid. Oh IT SNOWED LIKE ALOT the other day wtf that was soooooo cool!!! I want it to happen again hehe. Another month and a half and I’ll hopefully hear back from the scientist in parks and I will see Jules. Yippee. I kinda wanna get a new job not because I hate it I just don’t feel I’m the best fit for that place. Oh Alec and Sam are moving to California yeah I guess I really didn’t have to move out of my room but whatever. I’ve started reading more, I wanna try to read books that are banned see what it’s all about.
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December 30, 2024
Wow another year almost gone. I usually only post when I want to explode so this is a nice change. I am starting to like how my life is looking lately even if there are little fires to put out. I am gonna sign up to work in a national park for the summer, My job is starting to give me bonuses, And Jules will be graduating this semester. 5 YEARS of long distance is almost over!!! I'm actually really nervous what if we live together and figure out that we don't mesh well or what if we start having fights because we will suddenly be in each others space. I know he's the one for me but i still get scared sometimes. who doesn't? Also what if he goes to Germany I have to follow him I will not have the distance of an ocean between us that where i draw the line. New years resolution is to be nicer not just to myself but to those around me, I wanna be happier and that starts with putting that back into the world. I hope for a lot of things but most importantly i hope to one day look in the mirror and be proud of myself.
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October 6, 2024
I don't know what i am doing anymore, Who the fuck am I that all i seem to say anymore. Who cares anymore pity me. God that so stupid to fucking say i swear if i was reading this i would say "ugh so cliche, get over yourself" I should get over it. I still haven't finished college, big shocker to no one. I am so mean i really am like I've been given everything and i seem to still no be anyone. I am trapped but i am the one holding the key to get out and i still don't do anything about it. I wish i could be someone but every time the opportunity arises i take it away from myself. I am so fucking weak, I can see why my friends pull away i think it also has something to do with the fact that i am a horrible friend too something. Like i see the trainwreck and I'm still dong nothing what is that called Lazy, Stupid, Insane. I don't want to burden anyone with any of this stuff like ugh it embarrassing to even be writing this. I am such a bitch to my mom god i want to tell her i am sorry and tell her everything that is going through my head but no i wont its not for her. I cant tell Jules cause he has real problems. I need to sign up for that chem 2 class then go to UHD hopefully. I need to pay more attention to the space i keep cause if the outside is good it will spread to the inside i think. Almost my birthday and its every year i have to fight for my friends< are we even friends anymore or have they figured out that I'm still stuck and they have grown into actual people with lives. I'm almost 24 and living at home with no diploma, no career, and no self esteem. But at least i have about a billion squish mellows to keep me warm. I feel a little better I just need to calm down and stop making everything bigger than it really is. We will see where i am in a month on my birthday :) and me and Jules want to buy a townhome. Fingers crossed.
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June 12, 2024
I am going crazy again, I keep letting the phone ring and leaving Jules on read. It is like I want him to break up with me, of course I don't want that but i don't know why i keep doing this. Its like i know what i have and how lucky i am but i cant stop myself from messing it all up, maybe going over for 6 months was a bad idea i don't know how to be apart now but also i feel like I'm not in a relationship anymore, like it was all fake or something. Its like i am incapable of feeling anything unless Jules is here with me, I keep making up fights in my head like who in their right mind does that. I feel that I am hurting him and i feel like shit about that. I cannot talk about this with anyone because no one understands and what if i say something and no one gets it like is it normal to feel like your 4 year relationship doesn't feel like a real thing. i fear that I'm alone in my thoughts and I'm sorry but i cannot even talk to jules cause what if he takes it the wrong way and he feels bad. Oregon kind of sucked, the public transportation was cool but people are so weird like why are you being racist to me right now and why doesn't anyone smile anymore and WHY is everything so expensive!! i don't think ill be getting much sleep tonight, Samantha gets here in 1 day and I'm excited to get some bonding time in with her. ELIZABETH ALMOST DIED wtf, Em is gonna go to sam houston without me, i finally graduated san jac and im gonna be a cougar yay! if me and jules are still together in a year he will hopefully be moving down here, I hope someone reads these and thinks they are entertaining if not then this all some very sad attempt to keep a diary. I am also very close to being broke :(
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April 4, 2023
Jules left again today, I know I should be grateful that he was here for 3ish weeks but I am greedy I want more. More time, more kisses, just more of him. I'm sitting here wondering how his plane ride is going, if he is taking a nap, if he is hungry, I just miss him. I have had the people in my life say "it gets easier" funny that none of them have ever been in a long distance relationship cause no it doesn't, it IS ETERNALLY HARDER. I blame myself if I hadn't had fucked up I would be graduating I would have a job and I could live on my own. Jules says I cant take the blame cause we are fine but I cant help it I feel like its always my fault. I'm terrified that one day everyone will look at me and see the loser I see everyday and they will leave me, my friends will see I don't do anything worth, my parents will see that I haven't accomplished anything in school, Jules will realize I am ugly and I have been stuck at the same spot for years literally years. but I have to keep moving forward even with these thoughts swirling in my head I have to move because if I don't I fear I will fall back into a depression state and I do then I am not the person I thought I was turning into. I'm waiting for that day when I look in the mirror and see someone that I like. what if that day never comes? what then? hopefully I will be living with Jules hopefully I will have ignored my own thoughts enough that I graduate and finally start living.
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December 13, 2022
I am such a fucking loser. Not only and i way way WAY behind in school i feel like i will never be able to take more than one class at a time. Turned 22 and im still the same person i was at 19. I just see everyone else moving forward and i want that to be me so badly but i cant seem to do it and i dont want to sound whinny cause i know what i have to do to change. But what is fucking wrong with me that i try to torpedo all the good things in my life for fucks sake babe get a grip i should be a collage graduate getting ready to move and start my career with my bf but im a sophmore who doesnt have money, barely has a job, barely has a bf, AND I CANT SEEM TO BE A GOOD PERSON TO FRIENDS OR FAMILY. I want to be somewhere else in a year i want to pass my class maybe loose a couple pounds and just be the better person that i know i can be. i dont know whats stopping me but i will figure it out soon hopefully. mom lost her job too and amy has a toddler so i guess everyone is going through something. Its ok It will be ok. I will be ok.
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October 2, 2022
Its almost been a year.....again I will try to remember to post once a month. I have COVID-19 which tbh kind of crazy that i got it so late and i don't even know where from?? Anyway my life has been super boring i spent the whole summer with Jules and i did start school in august but I'm scrambling to try and find a job that will pay my two bills. Not really much to update on Dad has been weird and doesn't talk to me but i guess that normal now, alec is working across the country and i miss him and Jules is at home and although we literally talk all day everyday it never seems to be enough?! Ive stopped asking about jobs it makes me feel like I'm nagging, its not like he hasn't been doing anything i just want him to have money..... I'm greedy :( This semester has been going well so far i am worried that i will start to lose steam also if i wanted to change plans i would only be 19 percent of the way through??? what bull it could be worse I could be miserable instead of bored.
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November 23, 2021
Ahhh the great holidays are ever so close, Jason got me a new computer and i am now 21!!! honestly I thought I would die before I turned 18 not because i was suicidal when I was younger just that I felt so at peace with dying. Obviously I'm very glad I didn't perish before i met jules, God jules i love him so fucking much. you know our time line is foggy i was so broken at that time, i had lost someone and i was being loose with myself i wanted to cry all the time but i hid that with kissing anyone who wanted to. messy i know but i started giving him rides home after work and we would talk for hours we would talk for so long that by the time i looked at the clock it was already time for me to clock into wortk again. A whole night gone in the blink of an eye, we would watch the sunrise on the roof of my car, at the time i didnt think anything of us hanging out but we both started finding excuses to see each other. Now we are almost at two years of dating its lonley being so far away from each other, sure we send each other letters and i see him once every three months but thats only 4 time a year and its for a week each time if we are lucky. How do we survive? i dont know but i do know how much he loves me, i know the way he looks at me is a once in a life time look, i know he works and studies hard for us to live together one day. Since i started writing my feelings online these post have encapsulated my bad decisions, i can look back and see the amount of tears i shed for guys and myself. who knows maybe one day i will be brave enough to let someone see these.
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October 15, 2021
I wonder what it’s like, what you feel knowing the person you love is beside you or even to know that you could drive to see them within a couple hours. I wonder what it’s like to be happy. Happy with yourself, happy with another person or just happy to exist. I don’t feel happy I’m always so fucking sad and jealous. I don’t know what to do anymore
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July 30, 2021
It’s been a year and four months. I’m truly in love. I wanna cry all the time now long distance will do that. It’s kari’s birthday she just broke up with Middleton and I know she’s grieving but she wants to get away for a couple days and who am i to tell her no? Alecs wedding should have never happened I don’t know what’s gonna happen with him now I feel bad like I should have protected him better.
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June 14, 2021
My brother just got married and it was probably the funnest night of my life. I feel weird though. Something happened and i don’t know what to do if I should just forget it and move on or if I have to bring attention to it. I don’t even know if it really happened it wasn’t anything? I don’t actually know if it happened, I feel sick and yeah. I just wanna go home and see Jules in a week. He makes me feel so happy, I can’t imagine my life without him he makes everything better. He is everything right in my life, I’m tired. Bye. For now.
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January 10
New year new me right. It’s 12:22 and I’m laying in bed crying cause I feel so lost, I don’t know how to talk to jules or even explain how I feel. I’ve been wanting to sit in the cold again, I have been having thoughts of killing myself again. I don’t know what to do if I should keep on living the same life I’ve been living or get scared and close myself off again, if I do that jules will notice and he might leave and that’s the last thing I want. He means the world and more to me he makes me smile when I’m sad and calms me down when I’m mad. He has helped me so much it has made me a better person and student. Our one year anniversary is in March and I want it to be perfect but I know something is gonna happen. It’s like everything irritates me now from mom sneezing to alec laughing I hate listening to them. I don’t know how much longer I can hold my tongue cause it will come out sooner or later.
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September 20
It’s 11:38 in the morning. I am about to pick up my bf of SIX MONTHS IN ABOUT TWO HOURS. I have never been happier!!! Jules is the one, he is and it took me a while to see him because I didn’t want to mess up such a good friendship and I felt like he was 1000% too good for me. But here we are. Me and mom are moving and she Is happy, she has a stable job, a man who loves her and wants to spend the rest of their lives together. Although nothing is perfect and I’m slipping into procrastination sometimes I have jules to push me forward and help me get into a good rythm. Also I’m a bartender now which is pretty cool, it’s kinda scary but I’m ready for it. Me and jules are doing long distance now which hurts so much because I know we both wish to be closer to the other but I know we will survive this and be better for it. I love him so much it doesn’t compare to any pain I’ve had before.
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February 4, 2020
Welp that didn’t last long.....again. I have my appointment in a couple hours and Carrie is gonna take me. I’m scared god I’m so fucking scared but I have to be numb. I don’t know where I stand. Alex is depressed and anxious and kind of everything I was just about a year ago. I wanna relax and just focus but it seems like every time I try to do that something else falls apart and I don’t know how much more I can take.
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January 22, 2020
Well it’s 12:09 in the morning and I have my English class in a couple hours but I really self destructed again. Instead of austin it’s now Ethan and yeah I like him and we can joke around but he gets soooooooooo crazy about things! Like I have a life and I’m sorry I can’t just drop everything for you but I have other responsibilities that I can’t neglect I’m trying finish this semester well and it’s starting off horrible already. I’m depressed. I’m sick. I hate everything and I wanna retreat and shut down and stop everything.
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October 29, 2019
me and Austin have been together for almost 4 months and yeah we are happy and i really do love him i have conflicting feelings and i really don’t know how to feel. maybe it is a rough patch or maybe we are just two different people that worked for a while but not anymore. also mom isn't with the military guy anymore which makes me a little sad for her, this was the first guy she felt true happiness with or for. i’m making new friends but never forgetting the ones i had in the past. i’m lost for more than one reason i just don’t know the reasons and that scares me cause what if i never get out of this slump? what if i self destruct again? what if i hurt those around me and can never come back from it? i went through my old conversations with Oscar not because i miss him but because why not see what my past has to say about me and wow a past it was! it was cute and childlike the things we would say to each other like very vanilla and pure, we honestly wanted to only be around each other and yes it was cute but it was also toxic in many ways. i always wish i could have ended it better but maybe it did end in the best way possible.
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July 3, 2019
Just wow. What even is my life? First Austin...... he’s great and he is so cute, he makes me feel better and I really like him.......like a lot! He’s very communicative and always ask how I’m doing. He wants to make sure I’m good and wants me to know that he wants a relationship. Also he told people at work about us being a thing and on top of that I’m going back to work at star! Whew Chile it has definitely been a rollercoaster, I know I don’t exactly have him yet but how did I get lucky to get someone like him. He’s such a genuine person and wants to go slow even though we haven’t been completely slow we are being careful. I’m living with dad now cause mom just always wants to be kicking me out. I’m pretty scared but that’s ok cause I have friends who are there for me
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