survivor-of-what-though

[survivor-of-what-though]

there’s nothing wrong with me plus i don’t have any wants or needs plus i don’t feel or think at all

[survivor-of-what-though]

The sad thing about the whole “satanic ritual abuse” thing is that there have been multiple religious organizations where children are sexually abused by the members and the clergy and congregation. In America, they’re most often Christian churches. They’re a ripe breeding ground for this. I saw an interview with a woman who claimed to be a survivor of ‘satanic ritual abuse’ in the 80s and I almost clicked away but I kept listening. She went on to describe being sexually abused and groomed by her father and multiple members of the congregation of her small Christian church and subjected to psychological terror tactics like being locked in small spaces and threatened with violence. And in many ways the story was textbook for children who are victims of child sex abuse and have a predatory guardian who trafficks them and allows other pedophiles access to them.

It wasn’t a matter of there being a secret evil Satanic cult conspiracy. It genuinely sounded like these were Christian men attending a Christian church, abusing a young Christian girl who attended Sunday school every week, threatening to sacrifice her to Satan to keep her silent because that was what she had been taught to fear.

I wonder how many so-called victims of ‘satanic ritual abuse’ were like her, children that had their faith turned against them like a weapon, told there was a big evil satanic organization that would hurt them if they stepped out of line. I wonder how many were victims of plain, secular child sexual abuse and found it easier to believe the perpetrators did it for the glory of Satan.

[survivor-of-what-though]

Fucking traitors. Fucking traitors fucking traitors fucking traitors.

Rat fucking liars and traitors. I’ve had enough.

[survivor-of-what-though]

i know logically that a lot of survivors are struggling with a fuckton of things and it’s way easier and more gratifying to take out frustration and aggression on random strangers who use terms you don’t like or whatever justification is in vogue this week. because the people who actually hurt you are inaccessible.

but that doesn’t mean i don’t emotionally feel so much disdain and despair for the amount of people who should really know what real problems are and still dedicate their time to being exclusionists on the internet.

i go into the ramcoa tags

i block more anti-endos

i block more people who think ramcoa is a conspiracy

i see post after post about how goddamn isolating this all is, made worse by rampant exclusionism and gatekeeping

i try to join a server. “no proshippers”

i think about our teenage beta / forced perpetration part who copes with his existence through fiction

i close the ramcoa tags

[survivor-of-what-though]

made a meme for anyone else out there who gets stuck in the "it wasnt that bad!" or "maybe im not traumatized!" loops because trauma denial sucks ass!!! you all are valid!!!

[survivor-of-what-though]

i think that we have the idea of "demystifying ramcoa" wrong

so im not going to tag the blog im vaguing about - if/when you see this, i respect your trauma history and i am sorry the community mistreated you. i also agree that the community itself is not necessarily the most healthy or functional. i hope you find peace <3

however, i think that there are a whole bunch of things that should be demystified and explained better than they have been:

i talk about things like: paranoia and conspiracy, child abuse and torture as mentions and concepts and mention common program names

1: ramcoa programs, as they are described, do not exist.

this is a hot take and i fully stand by it. ramcoa is not committed by an organised network of abusers, who deliberately program you with alpha and delta programs. the value of these terms is that they create a shared language for victims of programming - i was programmed to have extreme loyalty, i was too, this is gamma programming. i am no longer alone, and i now have potentially things that might help

the two negatives to this framework is that the use of this language does spread the idea of a mass conspiracy - why would your abuser also know to program you with epsilon programming and mine in a similar way?? they're probably connnected. people who have experienced severe abuse are vulnerable to conspiracy, paranoia and fear. some of them do experience things like stalking and harassment linked to their abuse. so while this doesnt apply to everyone, it can give uninformed systems the idea that they are trapped within a conspiracy (which can fuel more panic and trauma symptoms, creating a loop), and other systems further fuel for psychosis

the second negative, and this is a more specific one from person to person, is that the use of these common frameworks means that you, theoretically, have a method to fix this. and that method might not work for you. this can be devastating or internally harmful (things that worked for others which internally damage your system, and the idea that maybe you, specifically, are too broken and unfixable. maybe you specifically are just fucked and cannot be helped.) i think that this is a comforting lie, and sometimes it works as well, which makes it even more complex, but when it doesn't, i believe its harmful in general.

2: ramcoa isn't difficult. ramcoa isn't special. ramcoa is just cruel.

i don't write this to imply that survivors think that ramcoa makes them special. i more mean that ramcoa doesn't neccessarily need.., a complex manual or book. it's not that hard. it's cruelty.

in the cases of cult abuse, ritualistic abuse and organised abuse, all of these... they don't need a conspiracy. we know it exists. and mind control, as the subject of the strongest contention, also doesnt need a conspiracy.

mind control is coercion, and torture, and lying, to children and vulnerable people who do not know better, who cannot say no, who fear for their lives. your abuser did not have to be a mastermind involved in something magical. you were abused.

i think that part of ramcoa is the idea that it is uniquely difficult to "pull off" or do compared to other abuses, but its often jst uniquely violent and unkind. you don't need a conspiracy.

i think a function of conspiracy, even just a little bit, a little bit of held onto mysticism from ones groups helps because it is a horrible truth that anyone can abuse like people who experience programming are abused. it is easy to start a cult if you know what you are doing. it is easy to hurt small children. that's a horrible thing to think about. but healing, at least for us, has involved being able to go... no. they werent smart or magical or all powerful. we were tiny. they hurt us.

3: programming also isn't as mystical or crazy as people lay it out to be.

i've written about this in my free time before... because this is the type of person i am apparently.

programming consists of 4 parts:

1: Responsive behaviour 2: Triggerable behaviour 3: Ingrained behaviour 4: Lies, coercion and misconception

responsive behaviour directly relates to how you and your system perceive your environment. if you are in an abusive environment, you may act differently to how you would outside of it. alters who are hypervigilant and violent, are still responding to that threat as perceived. there is either a match or mismatch in behaviour, but your brain doesn't know the difference

triggerable behaviour directly relates to things like conditioning, "rules" as set up during torture, and normal triggering like in ptsd and other trauma disorders. a mix of these will alter how different guys within your system behave and feel. this is similar to cptsd as it functions within typical did but has an additional layer as it was "designed" to function in a specific way.

ingrained behaviour is how alters may be designed or taught to act, often at the threat of extreme harm. some ingrained behaviour can become just part of who someone is, like an alter who cannot talk (and is okay with that), but some of that ingrained behaviour will go away with time

lies, coercion and misconception make up a lot of programming, but people often don't realise it because that's some of the deeper parts. like with any alter in a system, alters can (and will!) hold false beliefs about the world. in the case of ramcoa, alters are more likely to hold multiple coercive beliefs which were deliberately proven. as alters and parts get more exposure to the world as a positive and complex place, these beliefs can change (and they can be challenged!!)

there's a lot of alteration between groups as to how programming will be done and handled but it's based on the same pillars. this doesn't mean thats a conspiracy, its just the way to do it. programming as well is less complicated and more crude than one can perceive based on how we interpret it.

i hope that this helped someone, or at least got you thinking. it's going to be okay. i believe in us. i believe that we will do this and it will be okay. you will be safe.

[survivor-of-what-though]

i go into the ramcoa tags

i block more anti-endos

i block more people who think ramcoa is a conspiracy

i see post after post about how goddamn isolating this all is, made worse by rampant exclusionism and gatekeeping

i try to join a server. “no proshippers”

i think about our teenage beta / forced perpetration part who copes with his existence through fiction

i close the ramcoa tags

[survivor-of-what-though]

「　Controller  ｣

─── ⋆˚₊⋆ ➜ a system-related term for an alter / headmate who holds control / the highest position of power in the system .

---☆ Do not recoin. Anyone may use my terms.

[survivor-of-what-though]

idk why programming is so hard for people to believe, when you get down to it it’s actually a rather simple concept… it’s just torture with trauma-based conditioning involved at its simplest. of course this doesn’t include, like, the creation of a headspace but that kind of thing is very much just the manipulation of a child’s dissociation and imaginative abilities

[survivor-of-what-though]

Me: ah, this is a great DID post, I'll reblog!

me, seeing the anti-endo tags:

[survivor-of-what-though]

[survivor-of-what-though]

[Image ID: Family aggressors are not generally paedophiles, however — they are usually active, heterosexual men, but their sexual abuse of children is not specifically a sexually motivated act. It has more to do with power and aggression.

Most abusers are men with little control or power over their own life. Feeling inadequate and powerless with their peers, they turn towards children to express control and power. They may do so by physical, sexual, or emotional abuse. End ID]

i’m reading “rescuing the inner child” by penny parks, published in 1990, and even this reductive description is a better understanding of child abuse than most tumblr users have. just saying.

[survivor-of-what-though]

as far as i can tell, they haven’t been caught.

this would be so much easier if i had proof.

[survivor-of-what-though]

hcdid is such a bizarre comedy sometimes

like wdym literally everything about our missing/inconsistent memories is explained by the fact that we’re actually one of two main systems in this body and our entire purpose is to be functional and run utility programs and Not Know About The Abuse and hold screen memories of the normal childhood we definitely had.

and based on the few things we know about/from the other system is that the abuse in question was way fucking worse than we had originally estimated.

and it’s getting harder and harder to imagine a reality where our parents weren’t involved or at least complicit.

AND i had to get up at 4am for work this morning. because, like, the fact that everything up to age 16 if not age 19 was a fucking lie does not mean i don’t need to pay rent.

hilarious. :|

[survivor-of-what-though]

I hate when the dots connect. FUCK WHY ARE THE DOTS CONNECTING WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CRAZY, NOT PROVEN RIGHT.

[survivor-of-what-though]

[survivor-of-what-though]

bird bath (2021)