swallowedbyfandom

[swallowedbyfandom]

Anthony Bridgerton!

I hold you accountable for all the nonsense my dear husband shall engage in this season! Have you lost your wits? Surely that would be the only reason you would tell Colin and I quote, "The seat of your pants look as if they are in dire need of reinforcements". Do you understand the headache you created for me? I just spent hours having to watch him try on all his trousers! Hour upon hour heaping praise to convinced him that his is the finest bottom ever created! I nearly wept with embarrassment at how simpering and vapid I sounded by the end of it!

Do you think I was even afforded the luxury of working out my frustrations after all that? No, I was not! Instead I spent my night gently cuddling my over wrought spouse! While I normally adore cuddling my ridiculous husband, I am currently a volatile mix of physical cravings and ill temper!

While we are on the topic of your tragic loss of sense, why would you remind him that I once called you a capital R Rake? Do you understand the challenge you have just issued? Good luck, you shall need it.

Unamused,

Your least satisfied sister

P.S. You are fortunate Ben left his sketchbook in our home. I was able to head off any jealousy Col may have held by whipping out a sketch of that appalling phase you went through with the sideburns.

Sister,

In my defense, his trousers have been scandalously snug as of late. I will not even address the cut of his waistcoats. I admit I may not have been gentle about how I addressed the issue, but how was I to know his appearance was a choice? Men do not tart themselves up! Certainly not Bridgerton men! We are respectable men!

I apologize for any hardships my lack of sensitivity may have caused you. I never meant for him or you to be distressed in any manner. Truly sister, forgive me?

I only pointed out that you called me a capital R Rake because he called ME a prude. He even questioned my skills in seduction! Yes, you read that right! My ridiculous brother thinks he knows more about seduction than I do. I do not need tricks to be seductive! I am naturally blessed! The cheek of him!

What was wrong with my sideburns? I thought they made me look rather distinguished! Surely if it was that bad my siblings would have mentioned it?

Confused,

Your favorite brother

Brother,

Since when are Bridgerton men respectable? You are an exhibitionist of the highest caliber. I distinctly remember you strutting around in that wet translucent blouse long after it could be deemed appropriate. That is not even taking into consideration how often you and Kate have been spotting enjoying the great outdoors.

Benedict is Benedict. If I did not adore him so I would have titled him the Whore of Babylon reborn. The tales I have heard about his exploits could fill the pages of Whistledown for a solid decade. Have you heard about his explorations into body art? It involved dyed custard creams, a handful of students, and not a single paint brush. Does that sound remotely respectable? I still to this day cannot bring myself to touch custard. Also keep in mind he considered it reasonable to explain sodomy to my mother! MY MOTHER!

My loveable, husband respectable? Are you suffering some sort of denial induced memory loss? Surely you did not forget the filth he shouted at my windows before we were even courting. What about that could be deemed respectable? Face it brother all Bridgertons suffer from a severe lack of discretion when it comes to matters of lust or love.

Moving on, do you truly believe our siblings would advise you to shave rather than secretly mock you? There was a reason Mama Violet begged you to shave before she threw you to the vultures of the mart. It was not that she missed your youthful visage or whatever gentle lie she fed you. If you have any doubts I have enclosed the sketch, ask Kate for her opinion.

Your most forgiving sister,

Pen

Penelope Bridgerton!

Please tell me that picture is not a true depiction, it must be some sort of exaggeration! I would have noticed if I looked that ghastly!

Our siblings are evil. They all told me I looked regal and intimidating. Mother even said they gave me an air of maturity! How could they betray in such a manner? Kate found that traumatizing portrait on my desk and laughed herself into hiccups and tears. She is now insisting on having that abomination framed! Why did you not say anything?

Betrayed by all,

Ant

Brother,

Oh Anthony, "an air of maturity" is a demure way of calling someone old. Frankly, it never crossed my mind you could be unaware of how terrible you looked. I thought it was the reason you consumed so much Whiskey that season. I just assumed you lost some sort of bet. I did not comment as I did not want to add insult to injury. After all, the only other gentlemen with such prominent sideburns were Lord Rutledge, Lord Cowper, and my papa.

Most amused,

Pen

Colin,

I never would have imagined marriage could make your table manners even more appalling. Really Col, could you not just enjoy your melon without such dramatics? You are such a beast. Good grief by the time you were done with that unfortunate melon slice you were wearing most of its juices on your chin, neck and hands. Christ even little Auggie managed to enjoy his fruit with more refinement than you. Although I see now why you removed your cravat before eating.

I thought poor Pen would expire from sheer mortification. I was genuinely concerned over how flushed she appeared over your lack of decorum. Sincerely brother, you need to work on that. Our Penelope should not have to flee the table out of embarrassment from your boorish habits. I expect better from you going forward, Col.

Did you know why Anthony and Daphne were so outraged by your performance? One would think they would be use to how disgusting it is to watch you eat by now. Honestly I do not think you even learned to chew with your mouth closed until you were 19. Anthony went so far as to ban melon from all future meals! Benedict, Simon and Kate were terribly amused by your behavior for some reason.

Give Pen and the niblings my love when you apologize for embarrassing her so. I must say you have given me the most inspired idea to scare off suitors.

Ashamed of you,

El

El,

I assure you I have spent a lot of time on my knees in penance. My wife can be very demanding when properly riled up.

Col

[swallowedbyfandom]

Sister,

Be warned Colin is spiraling again and Mother has been humming. Benedict has been extra chaotic as of late. Good luck, I think you will need it. I know you will be home in a month but you have missed out on some fantastic blackmail.

My apprenticeship is going well. I am learning so much. God, I wish I had Pen's face. She is just so cherubic. I do believe that is why our sister is so successful at bamboozling everyone. I have been trying to emulate her look of wide eyed innocence. It doesn't look anywhere near believable on me.

Lady Featherington joined in on a few of our lessons so I could listen to her and Pen exchange the most nuanced of insults and gossip about people. Why did no one ever tell me ladies had their own form of double talk? It is most thrilling.

I am telling you of my increase in skills so that you understand that I am raising my rates for this upcoming courting season. Do plan accordingly, my bribes will not come cheaply.

How are you? Have you bought me any gifts yet? Have your bosoms really grown as large as Benedict made them in mother's new portrait? If so, what did you do to make them grow so quickly?

Have a stay trip home!

Love,

Hyacinth Bridgerton

Apprentice

Hyacinth,

This letter should reach you after I have already departed Scotland, so do not reply. I wonder at your going rate for providing an alibi and hiding a body? If Benedict has painted my bosom in some exaggerated manner he may suffer a tragic accident at my hands. I will bring gifts, Fran insisted on it.

Love,

Eloise

Dearest Pen,

I hear my brother has been a nuisance again. Never fear, I shall be home shorty. I will save you from his fretting.

I imagine you are busy with the twins and growing my newest nibling, so I will keep this short. I have joined forces with your mama to put off suitors this season. I still cannot believe Ben thought she was propositioning him! Every time I think one of my brothers cannot embarrass me further they prove me wrong. I hope Gregory grows better than the first three.

Give my niblings a kiss from me.

Love,

Eloise

Darling Kate,

Saddle up, sister. Eloise will be home in a month, to fight against the glowing reputation Ben has given her. It will be a highly amusing disaster to watch. I cannot wait to see what she and my mother have cooked up together.

I am taking bets on whether or not Ben will realize his lady in silver is El's maid. I think he will never notice but will try to seduce her anyway. He is definitely ridiculous enough to end up in a love triangle with two versions of the same woman. So, I have placed ten pounds on Bridgerton Blindness.

Hyacinth is betting with me. She believes Sophie is the lady in silver. However she will not tell Benedict. She said if all it takes to confuse him is a dress and a half mask then he does not deserve Sophie's love. I quite agree, let him work for it. It will serve him best long term.

Simon is abstaining from the bet. Poor Simon, he thinks avoiding us will save him from getting dragged into this mess. It is like he believes our family understands what boundaries are. Gregory cannot keep a secret and is entirely too kind to vote on his brother's love life. We are keeping him out of it.

Colin, Daphne, and Anthony seem to believe I am wrong and the lady in silver is someone else, entirely. They each have ten pounds on said lady being a visiting relative. Daphne sweet woman that she is, has faith in Ben. She stated that Ben would have noticed if he shared a house with the love of his life. Anthony believes if the lady in silver worked for his mother he would know. A tragic case of Bridgerton Blindness in action.

What say you? What is your bet? I am also looking to start a WWED (What Will Eloise Do) Bingo game. One WWED about scaring suitors away. One WWED if she finds out Benedict is trying to seduce her maid. Each participant is responsible for making two copies their own cards. One for yourself and one for Lady Danbury. Let us admit we are all cheaters whom need an outside source to keep us honest. The person with the most boxes checked off wins bragging rights. Lady Danbury will keep one set to mark off and track the winner. Any ties will be broken by Pall Mall. Lady Danbury will also be the moderator for any debates that break out over general rule breaking and meddling. We will be having a meeting in three days to hash out the rules, it will be right after the dinner Col and I are hosting.Please note if Ben asks why he has not been invited to dinner the cover story is that we are hosting a couples night.

I know you are asking yourself why I am encouraging their madness. The answer is simple, I am pregnant and restless. Colin barely lets me breathe without supervision. Just last week I accidentally stepped in a puddle (because Colin's massive body was draped over me like the world's most embarrassing cloak) and Colin acted like I was going to die of Cholera. Kate, it was just my slippered left foot that touched the water. I can tell you that explaining to Colin that Cholera is contracted through ingestion of contaminated water or food was a pointless endeavor. He called the doctor and two midwives to attend me. It was mortifying.

Just let me have this, pretty please. I need the lunatic I married properly distracted so I can have some peace. Our siblings are going to make a scene whether we are betting on them or not.

Yours in chaos,

Pen

Penelope,

I can’t believe you are all willing to watch our brother Benedict flounder to win a bet! (I am lying of course.) I didn’t get a chance to meet Sophie so I am holding off until I see them interact. I shall place my bet then.

Colin thought you caught Cholera? From stepping in a puddle? I want to give him the benefit of doubt and say maybe he thought you have a blister that could be infected. Otherwise that is paranoid and unhinged even by Bridgerton standards. Is that why you called the midwife a cunt?

The WWED game however sounds like a fantastic way to cope with the slew of oncoming madness. Count me in. I look forward to holding my win over Anthony’s head.

See you soon.

Anthony’s better half,

Kate

Kate,

She told me to calm down! Me! Colin was wailing about infectious diseases, but I was the one who needed to calm down? To hell with that!

Love,

Pen

[swallowedbyfandom]

Anthony,

How do you know if your wife is merely being overcome with pregnancy hormones or being possessed by a literal demon? I am asking for a friend. Please don't send the church to my home.

Inquiring,

Col

Brother,

Your humor leaves much to be desired. I can assure you Penelope is not possessed. She is currently behaving no differently than before. At most I have noticed her patience for stupidity is greatly diminished. However her last speech for Parliament was so chastising Prince George actually blushed and everyone was too ashamed to vote against my bill. So, I consider her limited patience a win. Our seventh in a row, if you were not keeping count.

Winningly,

Ant

Anthony,

This is not a jest. I am being serious! My calm, loving, glorious wife is behaving like the unholy cross of a succubus and a wrath demon. Here is a list of what I have noticed so far.

-My wife no longer makes sweet tender love to me. She uses me like I am some two pence back alley whore. She will not even cuddle me after! She demands we bathe immediately as the smell of my sweat is most offensive to her.

-The food combinations she consumes are horrifying.I am forced to endurecrimes against food so ghastly, they could only have been thought up in some hell dimension. Ant, she topped her chocolate cake with picked onions and ate her venison coated in marzipan! She dipped her biscuits in gravy! I cannot even stomach looking at some of the things she has the cook put together long enough to identify what they are supposed to be.

-She tried to stab me with at fork when I reached for the last butter biscuit. She didn't even look remorseful about it! She claimed I was trying to starve her baby. She ranted for over 30 minutes about my cruelty in putting another one of my "gigantic babes" in her belly, only to try and stunt that babes growth by starving it.

-She is terrifying. I cannot emphasize enough how scary her temper is. She made one of the midwives quit by calling her an "oppressive cunt."

-When I kiss her sometimes my lips will tingle and burn for minutes after. Not a sexy tingle and burn but a lips on fire sensation.

-I tried to gently wake her from a nap and she growled at me then throw a book at my head.I just wanted her to enjoy the gardens with me while the sun was shining!

So you see I have reasons to be concerned. She did not undergo so severe a change when she was carrying the twins. Aside from nausea, forgetfulness, and exhaustion she was the picture of serenity. While her last two months involved a great deal of tears, that was due to her frustration and discomfort.

Her personality has been so greatly affected by this pregnancy. What am I to think? Either she is possessed or she is carrying the Antichrist. What other explanation can there be?

Living in fear,

Colin

Brother,

Every pregnancy is different and affects the mother differently. Kate was an absolute terror when she carried Edmund and she was only slightly calmer when she carried Miles. What you are experiencing is normal. You just got lucky with the twins. Please allow to alleviate of your concerns.

-If your feelings are hurt that your wife is not whispering poetry while you are both abed, tell her. If you and your wife are in love not matter how vigorous your relations are is still considered lovemaking. Do you think I love my wife any less when we sneak off for a quick and rough tumble? Of course not! Would you rather she lay there like some dull placid society chit? Pregnancy makes most women particularly insatiable, her wanting to couple frequently is not her treating you like a back alley whore.

-I have fenced with you on many a hot summer day. I hate to reiterate this, but you do get quite ripe brother. Extra caution with your hygiene after lovemaking is a small price to pay to have the women you love carry your child. Does she cuddle you after bathing? Is so stop whining. If not, ask her to hold you. You know pregnancy makes a ladies sense of smell more sensitive it was stated no less that twelve time in that book.

-Colin, you have often turned my stomach with your table manners and the sheer volume I have seen you devour. You have no room to judge anyone, especially not the woman graciously carrying my next nibling. If the meals she eats offends you, don't look at them. The fact that she is willing to eat anything right now is just proof that she is carrying your replica.

-You have stabbed Daphne and Gregory at least once that I know of. You actually managed to stab Benedict twice with a fork over food. I recall you trying to bite Eloise once in a battle over imported macaroons. So Penelope stabbing you with a fork over biscuits just proves paternity. I would stand before the King and testify to this. There was never any doubt but if there was this would negated it.

-Penelope has always been terrifying. You were just too stupid and lovestruck to notice. You do not need to worry about it overly much. This is not a new development. Congratulations, you are finally wise enough to be wary. If she felt so offended she called the midwife an oppressive Cunt, I am sure she deserved it. Get a better midwife. Penelope is not one to lash out with reason.

-Your lips are on fire because Penelope has been eating sweets from Indian Kate gave her. They contain an insane amount of Capsaicin.

-Never wake a pregnant woman. If you must be prepared to dodge. Kate threw an oil lamp at my face the one I accidentally woke her. Daphne threw a plate when Simon interrupted her nap time.

For shame brother, your wife is not possessed. Your child is not the Antichrist. Penelope seems perfectly normal to the family and I. You are mentally unwell. You should definitely fix that.

In conclusion, you are just suffering from cuddle withdrawal. Symptoms include: hysteria, depression, and whining.

Your wisest brother,

Ant

[swallowedbyfandom]

Simon,

You were once a Rake of great renown so I am hoping you will have information or experience that can help me. I would go to Ant and Ben for advice but they have always mocked me for being so Green before marriage. I do not wish to give them cause to believe themselves justified in their mockeries. I apologize in advance for the uncomfortable subject matter of this letter.

Regardless of what my brothers believe I was not entirely inexperienced before marriage. I am not ashamed to admit, I visited a handful of brothels in the mediterranean. I discovered quickly that I was not comfortable sharing intimacy with a stranger. After this discovery I choose to learn from watching the girls bring each other off instead. It was certainly more expensive but Pen claimed if she could she would send those girls a thank you gift. So I consider it money well spent.

My wife like all other genteel ladies before her, was raised ignorant of what she should expect in marital bed. So you can imagine my surprise when our wedding night left me practically insensate. When I questioned her over where the hell she learned such things she presented me with half a dozen books. Having deemed it a great offense to be denied knowledge she would someday need, my wife sought a solution. My wife being the creative thinker she is, contacted a trusted third party to obtain her a wide variety of information pertaining to the carnal arts. The books are so deliciously scandalous they do not even have the authors or illustrators names attached to them.

I tell you all this so you understand we are both over achievers. We both take great pride in rendering the other stupid with pleasure. We both like to be underestimated. That last bit is of great importance. I should have known if she presented me with half a dozen books, then she likely kept just as many for herself. After all Penelope never reveals all her cards.

I had thought my reentry into our home meant she was no longer upset about my ill spoken boast at White's. I was wrong. I had forgotten that was my second offense drunkenly boasting about the virility of my seed.

There is no polite way to explain what happened. So I will try to keep it as vague as possible. My wife heartlessly took me as she pleased throughout the day, yesterday. She only allowed me to peak every third or fourth time she used me. By that evening I thought she would tire of putting me through such torment. I was wrong. My wife got her hands on an accessory that was placed at the base of my cock and around each testicle. Then she took me once more. When she freed my cock from that hellish accessory she left the ones around my balls. Then she proceeded to take me again. When she finally allowed me to peak I erupted. Never have I climaxed for so long. I did not know such a thing was possible. After freeing me completely she brought me to climax twice more in rapid succession. The last time I peaked I did not even spend myself. I peaked completely dry.

Simon have you ever heard of such a thing? Is this normal for the more exotic practices? Is this healthy? Will my body regain the ability to produce seed? Do I need to see a doctor? Did she break me? Or did I just run out of semen? Help! Send answers immediately.

Penelope assures me that I am fine. That I simply need to replenish myself. But how would she know? She has no cock! Women are built for multiple orgasms! It is to my understanding that men are not.

Once more I apologize for sharing such vulgar information with you. Please burn after reading.

Panicking,

Colin

Colin,

Good Lord, your second offense? What is wrong with you? First I must ask, do you remember who you married? Didn't Penelope brazenly proclaim Cressida Cowper a succubus of the first water, at the Queen's garden party? Her hobbies include profiting from stupidity, brain washing, and reigning terror on Parliament. Does that sound like the type of Lady that would grant forgiveness without any retribution? No it does not.

Calm the hell down. I know what you speak of. You are fine. As long as your cock does not feel any numbness or a cold sensation, you remain uninjured. Some lingering sensitivity is to be expected if she used you as often as you say. Just reframe from marital relations of any kind for the next two days. Also drink a lot of fluids. That has always been recommended to me in the past when I expended myself in such a manner.

Also I think your wife's actions should have proven that multiple orgasms are in fact possible for men. It just requires a certain level of finesse and preparation. We men are just utterly useless after. Once you regain your strength don't forget to buy that woman a tiara.

I have already burned your letter. Later I will get completely foxed to forget it.

Your favorite brother,

Simon

[swallowedbyfandom]

My beloved son,

I must say the getaway you arranged for Portia was a splendid gift. She was extremely touched by your gesture. I would know, I was over for tea when your letter arrived. I was surprised you would go to such lengths to show your appreciation for your new mama as you have never done something so grand for your old mama.

I am sure you did not mean to slight me. You would never put me in the position of having the other mama's in the Ton gossip about how you fawn over your new mama. Of course not, you are too thoughtful a son to ignore the woman who gave you life. You would never disappoint me in such a manner.

I am sure you are arranging something equally as impressive for me. It must just be taking you a little longer to set up my surprise. Do not worry. I can be patient, so long as not too much time passes.

Expectantly,

Your mother

Mother,

How could you doubt me? I am your most charming son, of course I have something in the works for you. Please be at ease.

If you must know I just wanted to show my regard for Portia's struggles. I know she has been abrasive and cruel in the past. I am not justifying her behavior. However that cruelty, and the fearsome reputation she garnered kept them safe. She kept my wife safe from the less scrupulous men in society. Whom may have believed my tiny wife easy prey. Let us be honest Baron Featherington left his Ladies vulnerable even before his passing. That they managed as well as they did for as long as they did, can be attributed to how cut throat and manipulative Portia was.

Did you know shortly after my wife debuted, Lord Featherington meant to settle one of this many debts with her hand in marriage? Fortunately after he notified Portia of his decision he took a tumble down the stairs while intoxicated. He had an attack of conscience thereafter and promptly decided to leave the marital decisions up to Portia. I admire that, mama.

Also Mr. Finch, is the worst, I swear. He told on me! He ran off and snitched. He even sent a letter taunting me! He had the gall to claim he had stolen my title as Portia's favorite son. As if I could be displaced so easily. You know how competitive I can be. This is the perfect way to one up Albion and to allow Portia a chance to relax.

There is a code that gentleman must follow. A sacred part of that code is not repeating the tomfoolery that happens in a gentlemen's club. I must avenge my honor. I shall not be defeated by some cheese monger.

Yours always,

Col

Dearest Colin,

It is lovely to see you are bonding with your new brother. Do be careful not to overwhelm Mr. Finch. Most people(sane people) are not as competitive as you and your siblings. Do be careful that your freud with Mr. Finch doesn't get too out of hand. The last thing we need is sweet Penelope getting caught in the crossfire.

I shall be gracious and allow you to forego a grand gesture. In exchange you will send over my grand babies for the next four weekends. I need more cuddle time with my sweet darlings. You can use that time to pamper your wife.

Hugs and kisses,

Your mama

Husband,

I apologize for falling asleep midway through our conversation. I see you are out with your brothers and I will likely be sleeping again before you return. So here are my thoughts.

Colin you have 8 sisters, 2 mamas, 4 nieces, a wife, and a daughter and still you have much to learn about women. That is a trap. I repeat it is a trap. Do not walk into it. You cannot forego a gesture. You will purchase your mama an elegant cameo, with a disgustingly excessive floral arrangement. Then and only then, will you accept her offer for babysitting. It would not hurt to arrange an outing for just the two of you.

I can entertain my apprentice and Gregory while you both have a day out. It would be nice to plan an adventure for Gregory and Hyacinth before he goes off to Elton.

Yours always,

A sleepy wife

[swallowedbyfandom]

Kate,

Dealing with Bridgerton's in my experience is a balancing act of outright denial,alcoholism, and regret. I do not believe you are in a position to indulging my brand of escapism. Here is a list of tips I have found most helpful.

1.Denial, denial, denial. Whenever the family starts displaying overt signs of Bridgertonness, I ignore it. It is best to assume everything a Bridgerton does can and will be used against them in a court of law. If I did not see it, I cannot give testimony about it. Simple. ie: Sometimes that means turning your head away when it looks like your Duchess is going to tackle and bite your best friend during a game of Pall Mall.

2.Avoidance. Any gathering of three or more Bridgerton's will get out of hand. Avoid their gatherings whenever possible. If you are engaged with two and a third joins up, flee. Using the chamber pot is a reliable excuse. Just remember to always be seen with a beverage in hand so they don't catch on. Perhaps you can use nursing as an excuse.

3.Redirection. When your Bridgeton has a marvelous idea, distract them. It can be with anything, seduction has the highest success rate. If your Bridgertons are in the middle of scandalous behavior, distract the witnesses. Learn to spin the truth the way Penelope does. That woman has single handedly indoctrinated the whole of society into believing Colin Bridgerton is sweet and harmless. She has a gift.

4.Lie. When outsiders notice our family's utter absurdity, lie to them. Learn to lie with your face, your voice, your body. You stare down whoever accused your Bridgertons as if they are the abnormal one. Make them question reality. Make them ashamed of having so obviously misunderstood the situation. This takes time to master but it is effective.

5.Assessment. Sometimes your Bridgertons cannot be deterred, in such instances it may behove you to engage them in lesser shenanigans. That way you control the when and where.

6.Acceptance. I know this will sound like defeatism, but sometimes Bridgertons will be Bridgertons. When your Bridgerton or Bridgertons on your case, set out to accomplish a task ask yourself these questions. What is the most asinine way to accomplish this task? What way would be the most scandalous? What would a clowder of feral cats do? The answer to those questions, will help you predict your Bridgertons. Accept it and plan to mitigated the disaster to come.

7.Drink. When all else fails and you find yourself dragged kicking and screaming into the shite show of the week. Drink. I have found whiskey pairs best with regret.

I hope this helps you.

Fondly,

Simon

Simon,

Please tell me this was an attempt at that dry British humor I fail to understand. I did not sign up to play warden for Bedlam. Your tips were not reassuring, at all.

Horrified,

Kate

Kate,

I apologize I did not know you were looking for reassurance. No one comes to me for comfort. Let me try again.

Kate based on your response you will have no trouble with step one. Also, if you ever want to flee the country your sister is a Princess. Surely she would grant you asylum.

Good luck,

Simon

Simon,

The sarcasm was completely unnecessary.

Kate

Kate,

Look at you mastering steps two and four. I am so proud of you! Sarcasm is my primary manner of self expression. How dare you shame me for it. I expected better from the Viscountess Bridgerton.

Fondly,

Simon

[swallowedbyfandom]

making fun of americans is pretty much always ok if youre not doing it in an edgelord “you guys have so many school shootings” way or acting like we’re the only country that has racism. but like posts about americans and hamburger get me every time

[swallowedbyfandom]

Mama Portia,

I know you do not need my thanks for supporting our Penelope, during my latest blunder. However, it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge how fierce you have always been in the protection of your daughters. That fierceness burns so bright in my wife. If fate is kind it will also burn bright in our daughters.

I would feel like a Cad if I did not acknowledge the many sacrifices you have made. How cunningly you have schemed and fought to keep your girls sheltered from the sins of their father. I know, had Archibald not been so very terrified of you he would have contracted out your daughters to settle his debts.

So you see, I feel indebted to you. You kept my wife safe and free, long enough for me to open my eyes. Once I opened my eyes you did not deny me the right to earn back your daughter's regard. I am not blind to the fact that you allowed Penelope to follow her heart. You did not push her to marry one of the many titled Lords sniffing after her.

Please allow me to take this opportunity to express my gratitude. I have arranged for you to spend the next month at the Bridgerton villa in Bath. Go relax, shop, and enjoy the spas. There are many things for you to explore. You have more than earned a vacation.

If you are amendable, you can depart in four days. I have already set aside my long distance travel carriage for your use, along with the driver and footman team. I did not arrange a ladies maid as Pen assures me you would be happiest with Mrs. Varley.

Your favorite son,

Colin

Albion,

I apologize if the vacation I booked for Portia interferes with her attendance to your little party. I have arranged for her to spend the next month in Bath. I am sure you understand. You can always plan another party, after all.

Neener Neener,

Colin

Colin,

I am sure Philomena and I will use that time wisely. Have I told you how close she is to saying grandma? I imagine it will the most heartwarming surprise for Portia's return. I am down but not out. If we are keeping score, I do believe it will be Albion 2 vs Colin 1.

This is war,

Albion

Albion,

Philomena is precious. I have no doubt she will be most adorable when speaking. However you have only given our mama 1 precious grand baby. I have already given her 2 precious grand babies and have another on the way. I believe that makes our score Colin 4 vs Albion 2.

It has always been war,

Colin

Baron Welling III,

My brother is not responsible for your wife's dissatisfaction with your methods of apologizing. The simple solution is to give your wife the loving gestures she is requesting. Romance is not that difficult. You have no reason to complain.

How my brother chose to show his esteem for his wife was perfectly legal. My brother had a permit for the concert he put on in front of his home yesterday. A permit signed by Her Royal Majesty Queen Charlotte. Hence, why the Bow Street runners did not come and disperse the crowd. While I sympathize with your frustration at being inconvenienced, my brother acted within his rights.

Regards,

Viscount Bridgerton

Huxley,

First, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I do not believe you are as well seasoned as you believe you are. Passion is not something to be endured, not if you're doing it right. You should refrain from thinking about my wife and passion at all times. Those types of thoughts are not conducive to your health.

Second, I do not need you to tell me about my wife's many virtues. I am well aware of the treasure I stole from under everyone's noses. I am happily married to the most beguiling woman ever. Why would I ever want any woman other than her?

Third, are you sure you have actually met my wife? Were you not present when my wife slapped Miss Cowper to the ground for having the audacity to rub her skeletal chest against me? She did that in full view of the bloody Queen. What do you believe she would do to me privately? If I were stupid enough to take a mistress?

I am on to you. You think if you can convince me to take a mistress. When I am inevitably dueled for such disrespect, you can waltz into my home and comfort my widow. Well, consider your plot foiled. I have updated my will. My brothers are honor bound to run off any rakes looking to console my widow. I will protect my wife from beyond the grave of necessary.

Regards,

C. Bridgerton

Lord Bridgerton,

What the devil is wrong with your brother? I wrote to him as a gentlemen concerned for the well being of a gentle Lady. He then proceeded to threaten, insult, and accuse me.

Truly, what goes on in his mind? I merely advised him to take a mistress out of concern for Mrs. Bridgerton. He somehow took that as a convoluted plot, to see him murdered. So I can marry his widow?

Regards,

Lord Huxley

Lord Huxley,

After reading the correspondence you sent my brother and speaking with him regarding his exchange with you, I believe I have a clear understanding of the issue.

I agree with my brother you cannot be a well seasoned rake, if you believe female pleasure is a myth.

My brother did not threaten or insult you. I am unsure how you came to that conclusion. My brother simply expressed his concern over how covetous your letter read. Obviously thinking sinful thoughts would be bad for one's health. Is that not what the Church teaches us?

You also encouraged my sweet brother to commit adultery. It is entirely plausible for him to believe you wish to see him, struck down. I can think of at least seven family members whom would call for an honor duel if he brought such shame on our family name.

What other conclusion was he to reach? My brother is simply trying to rationalize why a passing acquaintance sought to meddle in his marriage.

Sincerely,

Lady K. Bridgerton

Dearest Pen,

Help! I am beginning to think like a Bridgerton. I am panicking! Will this pass?

Aghast,

Kate

Dearest Kate,

There is no need for alarm, sister. The key is to accept their logic, while acknowledging it is nonsensical. I have to admit that I may not be the best person to help you. I am a Featherington who has spent the last decade of my life growing up Bridgerton. Normal people are so tedious to me, Kate.

Simon would be your best bet. While he and Anthony have been friends for around 14 years he has had limited exposure to the rest of the mad house. He still looks surprised by the mind-boggling situations our Bridgerton's get into.

I wish I could be more help.

Yours,

Pen

[swallowedbyfandom]

Dearest Pen,

How are you, sweet girl? I hope my newest grandchild is not giving you too much trouble. Colin said you were extremely pale and fatigued yesterday during his visit. If you need anything at all, let me know.

Love,

Mama Violet

Sister,

Colin is properly miserable and driving me mad. He has been over at my quarters everyday, because he wants to remain close to your home. I hope you appreciate the suffering I have undergone to support you at this time. He is quite pathetic without you.

Please do not take this statement as an attempt to rush you. However I mean this statement emphatically, No take backs. Your marriage is legally binding, he is your problem now.

Love,

Ben

My divine goddess,

Please take pity on me and allow me to come home. I know you said my exile was for my own safety. Lest you be tempted to smother me in my sleep. However, I am willing to take that risk.

I will face any trials you feel I deserve but do not ask me to endure the devastation of your absence any longer. I need the reassurance of holding you in my arms at night. I long for the serenity of your heart beating gently under my ear. I crave the gentle caress of your fingers running through my hair. I am desperate, Pen. It has been two nights and three mornings since I have known the sanctuary of our marital bed.It is unbearable.

I know I sound like a besotted fool, I am. I feel no shame in expressing the depths of my pride in this fact. I know you are still understandably upset with me. I do not expect instant forgiveness. I know I must work on proving to you that I have learned from my mistakes.

I have arranged a surprise for you tomorrow. Please be on our balcony at 1300 to enjoy it. I hope my gesture is enough to allow me to come home again.

Yours always,

Colin

Viscount Bridgerton,

Control your brother! This dramatic nonsense is why the rest of us complain. My wife now wants to know why I never thought of apologizing to her with such "loving gestures." This is madness. No apology requires an hour long serenade with string quartet.

Do you have any idea the sheer inconvenience your brother has caused in Bloomsbury? The crowd that gathered to watch your ridiculous brother shut down the streets. Not a single carriage or horse was able to get through. I had to exit my carriage and walk to make my appointment with my solicitor.

I hope you take your brother in hand soon.

Regards,

Baron James Welling III

Bridgerton,

I am a well seasoned Rake. It is damn near impossible to scandalize me. However you managed it.

You cannot kiss your wife with such ardor. Even if you could, you should not do it in public! I saw over a dozen ladies swoon today after watching you kiss Mrs. Bridgerton. Do not even get me started on that scandalous waltz you swept her into. I have had sex that involved less contact than your waltz!

Whatever are were you thinking? Your wife is one of the gentlest most proper ladies I have ever met. It is not even flattery. I mean it most sincerely, your wife has always been the picture of propriety. A proper genteel Lady such as your wife cannot be expected to handle such passions. That is what mistresses are for.

Regards,

Huxley

[swallowedbyfandom]

Darling sister,

Is Colin still alive? If he has survived the night may I remind you that you are much too pale for mourning colors. Also I am entirely too busy right now to attend a funeral.

If he has not survived, I am sure your mother knows a questionable doctor that can make it look like alcohol poisoning. Or I can help you hide the body? We can say he ran off to the continent out of fear for your response.

Your ally in sanity, against all things Bridgerton,

Kate

Dearest Kate,

Death would be a mercy I shall not provide my boorish husband with. Did Anthony tell you what that drunken fool did? Last night Colin drunkenly boasted to all of White's Gentlemen's club that his seed is so superior even spilling on my bosom managed to impregnate me! As if it was not enough that he has gotten me with child, again! That bastard did it without even spilling in me! How is that even possible?

The beautiful simpleton I married does not even realize that now every horrid gossip will question our new child's legitimacy. I have my staff packing for Colin. I am sending him off for an extended stay with his mother. Let me look Violet in the eyes and explain why he has been exile from our home. I would love to watch that show. He can come back home once he has groveled sufficiently.

I swear the first time some Cad makes a comment about spillage or my bosom I will burn White's club to the ground. Perhaps then Will and Alice can reestablish their club. Their clientele were much better than the entitled snobs found at Whites.

Your irate ally,

Pen

Sister,

I assure you, I warned everyone present that I would not tolerate disrespect towards you. I was very clear that I would not take kindly to any rumors or comments getting around over my brother's inappropriate statement. We also gave Colin a good ear boxing before sending him home to you.

Please do notify me if anyone makes a comment that makes you uncomfortable. There is no reason for you to sully yourself with arson, our family is rich enough that I already have someone on retainer for that. It seemed like a prudent investment when Berbrooke made himself an issue. Lady Whistledown saved me a lot of coin running him out of town when she did.

There is no need for you to physically exert yourself, sister. You should be resting. I know how difficult the early stages of pregnancy can be on you.

Fondly,

Your favorite brother

Dearest Colin,

Albion bought me the most disturbing tale about your conduct at White's last night. I did not believe it for a single second. Sadly I can see you have been exiled to your mother's house. Which must mean there was truth to his accounting of your behavior. Perhaps I set my expectations too high. I am so very disappointed right now.

Oh Colin, I thought you were done drinking to excess and using your words to bring shame to my daughter. I had believed you learned from your mistakes. Instead I hear you were careless in discussing your martial relations. I didn't think I needed to tell you this, but what happens in the bedchambers between a husband and his wife is private. It is not fodder for tales or boasts. Commenting publicly about the intimacies you share with your wife is practically an invitation to others to do the same. I hope we both agree that Penelope deserves better. I hope you understand that I expect better from the man I trusted with my daughter's future.

Love,

Mama Portia

Colin,

Who is Portia's favorite son now? Thank you for blundering in such a spectacular manner. How does defeat taste? Is it as overly salted as you claimed my last cheese spread was?

Ha ha,

Albion

(Note slipped under Colin's door)

Col,

Ben saids Pen sent you here on a time out for your "fool antics". I love you Col but don't get too comfortable. If your presence here means she won't come for tea and tutoring then you will have to move in with Ben. I won't let you ruin this for me! You will not come between us.

Love,

Hyacinth Bridgerton

Apprentice

[swallowedbyfandom]

(Card with bouquet of yellow carnations)

Mr. B. Bridgerton,

After over two decades tied to one man riddled with vices, please be assured I am not in the market for another.

I implore you to never speak to me again. It is not necessary for us to do more than exchange polite greetings.

I rebuke you in the name of Jesus.

Never again,

Lady Featherington

Ben!

Did you take some of Colin's Grecian tea, again? What on earth did you do, to make Portia Featherington send you such a harsh message? Kate and mother literally winced when they saw the floral arrangement!

Did you make some sort of sexual overture at her? I cannot emphasize enough, how bad an idea it would be to take Portia Featherington as a mistress. Can you imagine the horrors Penelope and Colin would inflict on you?

You should avoid mother for a while. Lady Featherington sent her a letter to clear up any confusion. Mother did not share the letter but she was mortified and muttering darkly under her breath after reading it. Be wary, brother.

Wishing you were a civilized being,

Ant

Dear Violet,

I am hoping to clear up any issues before they arise. I AM NOT, I REPEAT, NOT INTERESTED IN TAKING YOUR SECOND SON AS MY PARAMOUR. I am aghast that your ridiculous boy seems to believe I am the sort of Lady who would go around inviting children into my bed! Heavens, the hubris of your son to think a friendly gesture is some sort of covert invitation.

Yesterday I gave your Benedict a pillow the midwives recommended Penelope use after birthing the twins. She had an extra one here. My thought process was that be could use such a thing to ease his discomfort. He kept squirming about his seat when he waited for Colin and the twins to join us for tea. I only meant to be a good host! Your whore son began a long winded spiel on how given his recent injury he did not believe we could possibly perform such an illicit act together. When I politely asked what in all of creation he meant, your son proceeded to wax poetic about such filth. I was forced to flee my own home in sheer horror. It is unspeakable Violet. I do not know what type of people your son has learned such depravity from but I want no part of it.

I have taken six baths and gotten completely foxed thrice and still I cannot rid myself of the shame of hearing such blasphemy. What the hell is wrong with your son? I shall pray for his soul.

Regards,

Portia

Benedict Benjamin Bridgerton,

When I get my hands on you! I shall wash your mouth out with soap. I will not protect you from whatever justified, revenge Lady Featherington is currently plotting. If Portia Featherington of all people deemed something utterly unspeakable, I know whatever you said must be truly appalling.

I feel it only fair to warn you that Portia asked Penelope for Eloise's current mailing address. I am positive you deserve whatever those two are going to plan for you. I s it too much to ask for a single season without scandal? How am I to ever marry you off to a decent lady? If you insist on behaving like a feral Tom cat in heat?

I am sure I will regret asking however, what did you think the pillow meant?

Regretfully,

Your mother

Mother,

This is all an awful misunderstanding. I assumed that if she managed to keep Lord Featherington out of the brothels for a solid decade then she must be more adventurous then she appears. How was I to know she did not realize what her gesture meant?

I am a Gentleman I would never have spoken on such a topic if I knew she was innocent on such things. I would have simply warned her that her gesture had different connotations in certain circles. You must understand that such pillows are often used for recovery after a rather taboo act.

I will apologize and make amends as soon as possible. I am currently going to look at some properties in the country. I am dodging Colin's attempts to avenge Lady Featherington's honor. I will keep in touch.

Love,

Ben

Ben,

You can run but you cannot hide. The longer you drag this out the angrier I shall become. My wife is with child once more, so I cannot be distracted by hunting you down.

Let us handle this quickly and quietly. Name a time and place so that I may punch you in your mouth.The punch is nonnegotiable. You accused my mama of wanting to engage in acts of sodomy with you! You absolute scoundrel. She is our family! There is no earthly reason for you to believe she would ever offer you such a thing!

Disguised with you,

Col

Ant,

Please send me the invoice for the replacement of all of Benedict's trousers, when it comes in. I am ashamed to admit that in a fit of hormonal anger I may have broken into Ben's home and cut the crotch out of every pair of trousers he owns. I am sure his staff will soon discover my misdeeds and send word to you.

Can we please keep this quiet? I am terribly embarrassed to have reacted in such a childish manner.

Shamefaced,

Pen

Sister,

I so adore your mischief. Think of it no more, that is a hilarious prank. I shall have new trousers commissioned but I will leave the altered ones in place so he can discover them himself.

Do not concern yourself with the invoice. Benedict can afford to pay for his lapse in good sense.

Fondly,

Ant

[swallowedbyfandom]

Dear Ben,

I just saw the letter you send to Fran and John. I have to say I am quite disturbed by the obscene content. That doctor must have really rattled your delicate sensibilities. Why else would you send such madness out to your siblings? Really, to send such a thing to sweet Fran? I will never be able to look you in your eyes again.

I must also point out, the name calling was rather unnecessary. There was no need to heap rudeness on top of your filth. I do not even understand why you are so upset about this. All the whispers around you suggest you have been without dignity for years. I would think given your rumored history performing for someone would be old hat for you. Are you an ageist?

Your lack of care in sharing that horrific letter leads me to believe you are a rather shameless individual over all. So that cannot be the issue. Good god Ben, I think you almost made John faint out of sheer embarrassment. I would not count on a response from him or Fran.

Fran looked murderous after finishing your note. I truly believe she would have headed back to Mayfair to commit some great crime against your person had she not just discovered she is pregnant. You owe that baby your life, brother. That's right Benedict, your letter overshadowed our sister's announcement that she was with child. All their struggles to conceive and your hysteria ruined our celebratory brunch.

How men are considered the more emotionally stable gender, I will never know. So what? Some doctor asked you to take yourself in hand. That does not even sound that bad. Did that entitle you to give the rest of us nightmares? Get ahold of yourself, brother.

You really should have been able to figure out I was the one who set mama on you, without threatening all our siblings. For the record, I did not say you could not sire children. I did not even hint at that. Mama must have drawn her own conclusions. I merely questioned if in light of your injury it would be prudent to make haste with your marriage before you injured yourself once more.

I will not be held responsible for our mother's actions. I assumed mama would shove you at every available lady until you finally married one. I cannot predict the future. I had no way of knowing mama would be so ruthless in her pursuit of grandchildren. She has always seemed so predictable and tame compared to the rest of us.

I will not apologize for throwing you under the carriage. I am sure you will enjoy marriage, more than I ever would. You are one of those nauseating romantics. Also as a man you will always have more privileges and rights in a marriage than I could ever dream of having. So be a good brother and take this one for the team. You have had years to enjoy your freedom. I have not.

While I feel no guilt pushing you into the line of fire. I feel terrible that you have unraveled so. To assuage my guilt I offer you the following suggestion. You can feign interest in the most abhorrent lady on the marriage mart. Mama surely won't let just anyone carry her grandchildren. She would be so distracted trying to keep you two apart you could continue your wanton lifestyle.

I love you. Stay strong, brother.

Still free,

El.

To my most treacherous sister,

This means war. I hope you enjoy your freedom while it lasts. I am positive 1818 will be most eventful for you!

I am overjoyed to report that I have immersed myself in society this season. I have made so many new gentlemen friends. I have sung your virtues to all.

My most favorite sister. A brilliant girl, beautiful and bold. Who hides her soft interior beneath a tough exterior. Longingly she awaits the day she finally meets a gentleman patient and persistent enough to see past the abrasive persona. My sweet, Eloise. Who is currently away at Scotland refining her womanly talents under the guidance of the Queen's former diamond. She is truly a challenge for any worthy gentleman.

You will be happy to know that mama has only been introducing me to ladies that fit the description of my lady in silver. Mama after all understands that my heart is already set on that beguiling creature.

To thank her for her understanding I have updated our family portrait gallery wall. In addition to adding our nieces and nephews, I have updated your portrait. Truly it is some of my best work. You look so ethereal and feminine. Mama hung it right where all our guest can see. Darling sister, I can wait for you to come home. You are missed by more people than you realize.

Your move,

Ben

Pen,

You must tell me, what has Ben done? Has he been marketing me? Will I come home to the hoard of eager gentlemen? What of mama? She is being rather calm in her letters. I feel she must be lulling me into a false sense of security. Help me!

Panicking,

El

Eloise,

Dearest, you have given Ben months uninterrupted to lay the groundwork for his revenge. Benedict I must admit, has a gift for manipulation. He has done a remarkable job of advertising you as the second coming of Aphrodite. All the gentlemen in society are riled up into a competitive frenzy.

I guarantee when you return, you shall be drowning in suitors. I am certain you could return home bald and covered in horse droppings and still you would receive proposals. You are now a much grander prize than any mere diamond. That portrait Benedict created was a stroke of genius. It is exquisite.

You are right to be wary of your mama. I am certain you and Ben have already wandered into her trap. Good luck.

Most impressed,

Pen

Brother,

Do you not worry about those gentlemen turning on you? What happens when they realize you sold them a dream but handed them a nightmare?

Concerned,

Col

Pen,

Do you think Benedict or Eloise realize Violet is playing the both of them? I mean clearly she has them both doing her dirty work for her. You see that, right? Anthony thinks his mother is guileless.

Love,

Kate

[swallowedbyfandom]

When I find out which of you monsters told mother that my ability to sire children could be permanently impaired from the sunburn, I shall end you. That is a promise. My wrath and retribution shall make Pompeii like a trifling inconvenient by comparison.

Mother called a "Doctor" to check up on my manly bits. Do any of you heathens know what all that entails? That old withered piece of leather would not leave before I could prove my equipment still worked! Did you know telling him I can get and maintain an erection was not enough? No, apparently that pervert wanted me to wank and spill my seed in front of him! It took over an hour to convince that charlatan that the full powers of Jesus Christ would not allow me to maintain an erection long enough to wank if he was watching. Still that galling creature stood right outside the door until I was able to perform.

The horrors did not end there. That man proceeded to test my spend, in front of me! How did he test it? What marvel of modern science did he use? I shall tell you. His fingers! He dripped his finger into the cup he had me aim my seed into, and proceeded to rub my seed twixt his fingers. He had the temerity to complement me on the viscosity of it. Then that quack went so far as to smell it! He had the audacity to tell me to adjust my diet as my seed smelled weak! He even whipped out a tiny magnifying glass and just admired my seed. He said he was looking for abnormalities. I did not believe him for a single second. The only abnormality present was him!

I am certain that hack must have forged his medical license. There is no earthly possibility that was a legitimate test for fertility. Then that cad departed on his merry way. He left me in the room holding my tattered dignity and a cup full of my spend. You have no idea the lengths I had to go through to dispose of that cup discreetly, without offending the household servants. I would have drowned myself in the Thames if Mrs. Wilson caught me holding that cup.

Anthony effective immediately I am moving into my bachelor quarters. I will not live under the same roof as mother. She invited that awful "Doctor" into our home and allowed him to trample on my dignity. I have never felt so violated in my entire life.

How ever will I be able to lay with someone again without having a flashback to that fossilized ghoul playing with my seed? Do not come to call on me. I will be drunk for the next week trying to blot out this humiliation.

Vengeance will be mine,

Benedict

Brother,

I played no part in your current misfortune. I have been entirely too busy this week rewarding my wife and tending to my children. God, Ben, I passed out from lack of oxygen momentarily while laughing at your letter. I apologize for finding humor in your dire situation but you must understand I thought your letter a crude jest. It sounded too outrageous to be real.

Pen found me reading your letter and she was absolutely aghast. She scolded me for laughing at your plight, and assured me that it sounded very similar to what she has read in that medical book that she bought while pregnant. She hopes you now agree, that book is evil and the author of said book is obviously an agent of Satan. Her words, not mine. My wife said your experience sounded more primitive than what she read. If the doctor was as old as you described he may be using outdated methods.

The book has been in Bridgerton House for over a year. Kate rescued it when she found Pen trying to burn it. Pen said part of the book covered the male reproductive system. It apparently included has a section focused on castration. Kate likes to read that section when she is feeling particularly cross with Ant. She vaguely recalls the book mentioning prolonged fevers can lead to infertility in men.

Perhaps mother found the book at Bridgerton house and read it? I cannot imagine any of our siblings being shameless enough to talk with mama about your seed. Either way the pool of people who knew about your injury cannot be that large. Good luck in your investigation, brother.

For my peace of mind, I must know how you disposed of that cup and its contents. Please, the curiosity is killing me.

Keep an eye out for one of our servants. Once our cook is done preparing dinner, Pen is sending over a hamper of food and spirits to help comfort you this evening. Isn't my wife the sweetest woman ever?

Your most helpful brother,

Colin

Ben,

Simon finds your letter most entertaining. I do not! I must ask Benedict, have you lost your mind? Did the sunburn leave you with some form of brain damage?

What possessed you to send such filth, to my husband and I? We have two small children and a third on the way. Do you imagine we have much free time? Do you imagine we would waste what little free time we have sitting around talking about your genitals? Do you imagine we want to read about your genitals?

The hubris of you! To send such a descriptive account of your personal medical matters. Why would you share all that? Do you think Kate, Pen, and I are not humiliated by having insensitive doctors and midwives poking about our intimate areas? Do you hear us talking about? No. Have we ever sent out letters detailing the procedures? Of course not. We are not classless, savages. Some matters are not for sharing.

I speak for everyone, everywhere. We do not want to read your sordid tales of self gratification. Nor do we want to read about your seed. Do not speak to us again until you apologize for the vile letter you sent us.

I have half a mind to forward this letter to mama. So she can see how terribly she raised you.

Disappointed in you,

Daphne

Brother,

I did not know mother arranged for you to be seen by a Doctor. I would never have allowed such a thing. What happens in a man's trousers is his own damn business. You are a grown man, you can decide medical matters for yourself.

That being said, Benedict you are half past twenty. Why did you leave such an inflammatory letter behind? Could you not have simply spoken to me as an adult? What if Greg or Hyacinth had read that letter?

God Ben, I am mortified on your behalf. However, I absolutely do not have the time or the energy to get in the middle of this shite show. I am too busy trying to balance my work and our ever growing family.

You and mother are adults. I expect you both to sort this mess out among yourselves. You are both being childish. Mother should never have meddled in your affairs in such an appalling manner. On the other hand, you should not have continued the exam if you were uncomfortable. You are twenty five years old. You cannot run away from home, in a huff. Move out properly, so I don't have to worry about you. Hire a cook, fill your pantry, and staff your home. I will send over your belongings tomorrow.

I just want to cuddle my children and ravish my wife in peace!

Exhaustedly,

Ant

[swallowedbyfandom]

Lord Cowper,

I suggest you put an end to this delusion of demanding satisfaction from my brother over my dear sister's justified defense of her husband. You are to cease your ridiculous claims that our sweet Penelope marred your daughter's marriage prospects.

I should not have to point out that this is Miss Cowper's fourth season without a single proposal to show for it. My sister is not the issue, the issue is your daughter is an affront to common decency. If you want to cast blame I suggest you look in your own home. It is clear your wife raised your daughter abysmally, without any sense of propriety.

That you married a Lady so lacking in maternal instinct is your own failing. That you failed to recognize how dishonorable your daughter grew to be is once more your own failing. I will not have you sully my family name to cover up the fact that you could not manage the two Ladies you are responsible for.

Regards ,

Lord Bridgerton

Lady Cowper,

I just heard the silliest jest. There are tales of you speaking out against my darling daughter. A ridiculous fabrication, I know. How could you be anything but grateful my Penelope put an end to your daughter's vulgar display?

I am sure you are much too busy reeducating your daughter to have time to spread tall tales about my family. As you attempt guide Miss Cowper back from this shameful path, do be sure to remind her that no man wants to marry a Lady that appears so learned. While I am sure she is proud of her experience, as evidenced by the brazen way she rubbed herself against my son in public. She must be made to realize that sort of experience does not lead to marriage. It leads to ruin.

I am sure you will soon talk sense into your Lord husband. The fuss he is making over this entire mess is unbecoming. I am sure we can all agree it is best for your family's standing in society if this matter is quickly hushed over.

I wish you luck in getting your house in order. I would hate to take time away from enjoying my grandchildren to deal with this matter further. We all know how unkind I get when I am away from my grandchildren too long.

Regards,

Lady Featherington

Penelope Anne Bridgerton!

N ever have I felt so betrayed. How could you slap Cressida Cowper when I am not there to see it! I have wanted to slap that wench since she tried blackmailing me! You must tell me every detail, so I can live vicariously through you.

Are you well, Pen? I know when I punched Berbrooke in the face my knuckles and wrist were sore for days after. Did you break a nail on her bony face? Is it true you slapped her hard enough to knock her to the ground? I cannot fathom such a thing. You are such a gentle person.

Oh Pen, I still cannot believe YOU were the first Bridgerton to ever start a physical altercation at a ball. Mama must still be reeling in shock.

Love,

Daphne

Brother,

Thank you for officially making Pen my sister! It is by far the coolest thing you have ever done. Ant, saids you both must lay low for a while until the scandal dies down. That is so stupid! The Queen was not even upset. She was laughing! Although the Queen was quite put out you took Pen away before she finished insulting Cressida. I was too to be honest.

When you finally are allowed to visit, Pen simply must teach me how to slap someone with such vigor. It was most impressive.

Give the babies my love.

Your favorite sister,

Hyacinth Bridgerton

Apprentice

[swallowedbyfandom]

Your Royal Majesty Queen Charlotte,

I apologize for the spectacle I caused at your garden party this afternoon. I will not say that I am sorry for my behavior for that would be an absurd falsehood. However, I regret that my loss of composure caused a scene at your wonderful event. I can only hope that the entertainment of watching me getting thrown across Mr. Bridgerton's shoulder like a stack of potatoes was amusing enough to make up for it. Bread and circuses, as the Romans would say.

While Viscount Bridgerton is certain I shall find myself in exile over my actions, I feel you may understand my response far better than he. His Majesty King George is a powerful man. He was also based from your wedding portraits quite handsome. I am sure you are familiar with the rage that comes with having some desperate grasper trying to tempt your husband away. Even as they fail the disrespect chafes.

Normally I would not been so bothered by such a slight. My husband loves me and our children. I am secure in my relationship. I was prepared to git my teeth and sent that chit off with a harsh set down. Unfortunately, Miss Cowper was crass enough to rub her nonexistent bosom against my husband's arm while attempting to stroke his chest. I could not tolerate such an assault on his person.

Of course I slapped her across her pinched little face. What else could I do? Stand there and watch? Were I taller, I would have dragged her off him by her ridiculous hair. I feel I should end this not at all proper letter now, as I fear I sound rather unhinged.

Once more, I apologize for the speculate I caused. I was raised better than to do such things in public. I accept whatever punishment you deem appropriate.

Your humble servant,

Penelope Bridgerton

Her Royal Majesty The Queen Charlotte of Mecklenburg-Strelitz

Requests the pleasure of the company of

Mrs. Penelope Bridgerton

for tea on Saturday 10 May 1817, at Windsor Castle

[swallowedbyfandom]

Lady Featherington,

I apologize for my conduct in your gardens. I assure you I am not some deviant roused by greenery. While I may have been a rake in my youth, I am now a respectable husband.

I would appreciate it, if in the future you address any concerns and grievances you have with my conduct to me directly. It is not necessary to involve my mother. I am not a small boy in need of scolding. It was also wholly unnecessary to threaten me.

I am sure as a Lady whom has herself endured three pregnancies, you understand that there is a time during which a wife becomes overwhelmed with certain needs. I was merely doing my duty as a good but exhausted husband to see her needs meet.

I hope we can put this issue behind us.

Regards,

Lord Bridgerton

Lord Bridgerton,

You are correct. It was wholly unnecessary for me to threaten you. To shown my remorse I invited your Viscountess over for tea.

I of course showed her your letter so she can understand how arduous you find meeting her needs. You are after all a respectable husband tied down with so many duties. A Merry Widow friend of mine was there to educate your Lady on the numerous ways she can handle her increased needs on her own. Fear not my lord, I imagine you will be getting some much needed rest in the days to come!

In closing, I apologize for trying to be discreet in speaking with your mother. I too, consider this issue behind us.

Regards,

Lady Featherington

Ant,

If what I overheard Kate telling Pen is true, I now crown you, The Dumbest Bridgerton. Did you really try to blame Kate for your lack of self control? Also, please keep your cock to yourself while on my son's estate.

Do not provoke Portia further. My newest mama makes Nemesis appear like an amateur.

Gleefully,

Col

[swallowedbyfandom]

Violet,

Please speak to your eldest Rake son. This will be the second time my staff has been forced to see him conducting his martial relations in my gardens. Good lord, what on earth is it about my gardens that stirs him to passion in such a manner? If he and his wife have a particular attachment to any shrubbery, tree, or trellis vine I will pay to have it transplanted into the gardens at Bridgerton House. Let him desecrate his own gardens!

Once my grand babies are able to crawl/walk, I would like to allow them to play outside without worrying about them crawling across Viscount Bridgerton's unsavory bodily fluids.

While we are on the subject of your rake sons. I am not ashamed to admit that the current hoard of "mature" widows currently chasing your second son is entirely my doing. He can consider it repayment for upsetting my favorite son.

Feel free to let the Viscount know I will come up with something even worse for him, if he cannot control himself in my gardens. There is a reason the rakes of Mayfair never tried their luck on my daughter's.

Regards,

Portia