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This is long overdue and I wrote it months ago but I’ve been busy. If for some crazy reason you haven’t seen Black is King, catch TF up now!!!

Not a summary, just some quotes that stood out to me:

*If you’re feeling insignificant you better think again. You better wake up because you’re part of something way bigger

*Life is your birthright they hid that in the fine print

*If I can never know me, how can you

*Sheep don’t run w/ lion, snake don’t swing w/ monkeys

*I be like soul food, I am a whole mood

*Good & evil often appear together. Nothing is complete on its own...it’s not always a battle, it’s a conversation

*I can’t say I believe in God, call myself a child of God then not see myself as a God. That wouldn’t make any sense

*We need to show Black men and women are emotional, are strong, are smart, and intuitive

*We were beauty before they knew what beauty was

*Your skin is not only dark, it shines and it tells your story

*The royal in you is there for you to be a blessings to others

*We have always been wonderful. I see us reflected in the world’s most heavenly things-Black is King

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And Just Like That, it Was Over...

August 22, 2015 was my first day of classes as I began my journey towards a doctorate degree. While I may have arrived with bright eyes full of curiosity and joy I was thrown!! I was well aware of the deficiencies I carried as it related to statistics and research in general, I also knew I wasn’t built to easily break. I had no doubt that I would have to give 200%, burn the midnight oil and sacrifice my social life. I knew my family would have less access to me but I also knew that no matter what curveballs came my way, I would survive and thrive within this blessing God had provided me with. I stumbled through the first semester, found a rhythm my second semester and felt pretty good about year one but I know I remained behind the 8 ball. Year two my personal life was met with numerous changes and hurdles. I persevered. I grew my network and shifted my research agenda and changed advisors. I felt good but again, behind where I felt I should have been. Year three I secured a couple publications, began to independently teach and the clinical depression that had been under control since 2004 hit me head on. I gained weight, I isolated myself, I cried uncontrollably more than I could count. Life was hard and somewhere in there my dad died. Part of my “why” was to show him I could go all the way, that I was worth my dreams. His death was more disrespectful in some ways than it was sad. He had sort of won again in that he wouldn’t have to celebrate my accomplishment that I still knew was to come. Year four is a blur. I completed my area statement and passed my qualifying exam. Summer of 2019 I defended my dissertation proposal and decided come hell or high water I was going to complete this degree Spring 2020. I secured IRB approval September 24 and began data collection shortly thereafter. October I hopped on the job market. I was so insecure about seeking employment. I wasn’t sure anyone cared about my topic or method, I didn’t have a first author publication and I was definitely seasoned as apparent in my CV. Turns out, people were all that into me!! I had several amazing campus visits and received job offers at each institution I visited. January 2020 I concluded data collection and it was time for analysis and writing. I could not breathe. I had reached the point in the process I had dreaded for years. I had to write a solid dissertation based on the proposal I crafted and the data I collected. I was paralyzed by fear. I avoided it for several weeks. I looked up and it was late February and I had 5 weeks to get shit done! At this time there were whispers of what was then an epidemic. Two weeks later we were facing a pandemic, campus closed and I had 3-4 weeks to pull off the performance of my life. I had joined a dissertation support group to overcome my fear and gain some motivation. It worked and March 20th I submitted my draft to my committee. April 3rd I defended my dissertation orally. April 20th I submitted my FINAL, FINAL dissertation to the Graduate School and I am mofo done with school in the traditional sense for life!!! It’s weird and intimidating to say but the reality is, the hard part is just beginning. My next phase/stage of life is intimidating as hell but I’m ready. Since conception I’ve had to overcome one hurdle after another and I have no expectations this will be much different. What I know to be true is I am dedicated to continuing to fine tune my craft, I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for, I have a village surrounding and supporting me that folks would pay good money for and I know God has plans for me that my tiny human brain can’t yet imagine. I was created in purpose and I know that’s why my journey has been so difficult yet so rewarding. I’m going to change lives, I’m going to dismantle systems and I’m going to find ways to celebrate and grow from the highs and lows. I am the rose that grew from concrete and anyone or anything that thinks they are shitting on me are only fertilizing continued growth. LNicole is here and ready. Proudly representing C/O 2020 🌹

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Anxiety has prevented me from writing any blogs for a few months. I’ll be back, I’m busy and trying to take care of me at the same damn time. Gratefully I have a superhero supporting me through these valleys. I’m a movement by myself, but I’m a force when we’re together!!

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She won!! In June I decided to get back on track with running. 2017 & 2018 I ran 100 miles in July. I was initially seeking 50 for the month as the focus was on consistency and form. Week three I decided I would push for 100 miles in 2019 as well. The gag is I had a trip scheduled this month meaning I’d have to do it in less than 31 days. I was nervous, but I persisted!! I just finished strong AF with 8 amazing miles in FP. Shout out to the FP Fly Girls who pushed and supported me. Y’all the GOATS! BGR fam is my running lifeline. So much love to my husband who is beyond!! He would come to the park with me nearly daily so I could avoid the heat and run after dark safely. Tonight I am retiring my shoes and buying some this no-tax weekend. Tonight I’m toasting my damn self with Belini, shout out to the TJ in the Promenade who brought it to the register when I called because I didn’t think I would be there before they closed at 9 pm. Tonight I’m having ALL the carbs and tomorrow I’m back on track. Finally, I literally did interval running for 94 miles and only walked 6. This girl is on 🔥🔥🔥🔥 and I will not be distracted from my long-term goals. I am a Black girl and I RUN!!! #healthiswealth #40plusfitness #forestparkforever #blackgirlsrun #getittightgetitright https://www.instagram.com/p/B0my5miB1xZLU5rgIAadoh9enzVGXZJt-HydkY0/?igshid=1wd85q4m3a3md

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Disappointment

I’m not often disappointed because Ictend to have low expectations of others. When it happens it really impacts me. When it’s at the hands of those I love it damn near paralyzes me. I know that I celebrate harder than most but Ivwant people to know I value them. I want everyone to feel special. I have to know not everyone feels this way. Yesterday I was disappointed by folks in very different ways but it all hurt the same.

My struggle will be forgiveness and moving on. I don’t well with this aspect of life. What I know is I am retreating. I’ll resist the urge to celebrate others and I’ll celebrate my damn self. Me, myself and I that’s all I got in the end. I know how gossip mills work, know that Mr. is not one of the three who disappointed me.

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Homecoming, A Celebration of Blackness

Full disclosure, I was at Beychella weekend one and I knew right out the gate I was witnessing history in the making. When the announcer said “Welcome to Beyoncé’s Homecoming” I thought it was a brilliant way to celebrate her return to the stage. I had no idea how life changing the next two hours would be.

Our society does an awful job of supporting women postpartum. Reality is the body has just done the impossible and this belief that it will not be any different is toxic. I appreciate Bey’s transparency in her struggle to slim down. In addition to this awful “snap back” phenomenon she discusses her challenge with time management and making peace with her time no longer being exclusively hers. It is HARD to adjust to so much change while often questioning every decision you make. While women are amazing, we actually aren’t superheroes and would benefit from amazing support. Never forget it takes a village to raise a child.

This was the Blackest two hours Coachella has ever experienced! From the Nefertiti crown and cape, to the celebration of Black education to the thump of the drum lines. Who didn’t love that transition i to Juvenile’s Back Dat Azz Up?!? Bey did not come to play with us. I’ll go further and say this was a celebration of Black womanhood. The Queen gave us all something to enjoy from the twerking to the dance teams to the vulnerable modern dance break, there was something on that stage for any Black woman to connect to. Special shoutout to the plus-size twins who held it down during Baby Boy and the thick baton twirler who made Party everything. There were so many Black women a part of this production it felt like home. In the words of Malcolm X “the Black woman is the most disrespected, disreguarded and unprotected person in America.” Not on April 14, 2018 though, Bey allowed us all to escape for a moment and relish in being the shit!!

HBCU’s are suffering financially. Not all, but too many. We nearly lost Bethune last month. I have attended an HBCU but most of my education has been at PWI’s. Bey reminded us of the importance and influence of these institutions. We cannot ignore that they remain as relevant now as they did when created. Not everyone will find a perfect fit but support them nonetheless. I attend homecomings, special events and such not only to connect with my people but to spend my coins where they are needed. Of course I’m not saying H CU’s are the only option but if you or your loved ones won’t even consider it ask yourself why that is. To have Beyonce recruit from these institutions rather than hire Hollywood performers is priceless. These young people have experienced greatness and will forever be inspired. They were a part of history and I pray they go on to excel in whatever life has in store for them.

Destiny’s Child is more than a catalyst. Beyonce has always caught hell for being the lead singer in the group. I struggle to name one group that truly doesn’t have a lead...I’ll wait. It is worth noting that every time Bey is on the world’s largest stages, she makes space for her girls. She does not have to do this. She is under no contract or obligation but I believe it still gives her life to perform with her sister’s after all these years as a solo artist. This is how you be your sister’s keeper. You NEVER forget those who have had your back and you NEVER exclude them from the highlights.

The glimpses of Bey as a mom. It was refreshing and her children seem really happy and healthy. It doesn’t seem like there is a rush to make Blue a star and I appreciate that. She appears to have been bitten by the bug but let’s all let it play out. Bey has been wanting to be a mom since she came on the scene. I’m happy for her that she is having this experience and finds way to seemingly balance it all.

Jay-Z may have made some awful decisions but I am so happy they have and continue to work through their challenges. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Forgiveness is hard. Hate and hurt are hard. Don’t give up on relationships that are worth it. I love that he didn’t come out for the first song Crazy in Love. He has mastered the art of giving Bey all the shine. I also appreciate him coming out for Deja Vu. It was the first video where it was clear they were a couple and in love. She has in a sense grown up loving this man and it’s a lot to reconcile with being famous, young and in love publicly.

Bey is not a business woman, she’s a business woman. This is the epitome of a boss. I’ll start with toasting her for employing so many Blacks in their dream careers. From her dancers to her publicist there are Blacks, predominately women out here killing the game while on Parkwood Entertainment’s payroll. This is why Black wealth matters. How many of these folks were told to find real jobs rather than follow their passion and look at them now. I don’t know Bey and I’m not sure how many of these ideas are hers versus her team’s but it doesn’t matter. She’s who signs off on them at the end of the day. The forethought to negotiate full ownership of her Coachella performance, to make this a live album to get with Netflix, to collab with Addidas!!! Chile, Bey has worn me out and she ain’t done. Netflix doesn’t release streaming info but I know it was record shattering, the Emmy’s, Golden Globes and Grammys will affirm all this. In the words of Queen Bey, “this my shit, bow down bitches”!!

If you weren’t inspired by this you may need to seek help. For the non-Bey folks, hating is bad. One’s success should not be a source of angst. What can you learn, how can you grow? For years I’ve said I’ll be the Beyonce of my research area. Watch me work!!!

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See What I’m Saying?!?!

So I’ve had my prescription shades nearly 5 years. When I purchased them I knew I was in it for the long haul. I don’t buy low-quality shades because of how much I have to pay for the lenses. Soooo a while ago I caught some dope frames on Zulilly and I knew when Mr.’s new flex spending kicked in I would upgrade my shades. As luck would have it my old shades broke Tuesday and Wednesday my new ones were ready for pick up. Won’t he do it?!?! I’m gonna try Zenni but I needed regular and sunglasses from my optometrist just in case it doesn’t work out. I love these shades and I appreciate my old ones hanging in there during my grad school financial struggles 🤓💕

Both are pretty dope!

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I’ve Stopped, I Have Gotten Enough

This has been brewing since I learned the documentary would be shown at Sundance. As one of Michael’s most loyal fans I am deeply hurt to part ways with one of the most sacred elements of my childhood.

Magic didn’t happen often for little brown girls in North St. Louis. Michael was a warlock in my eyes. He created magic with a simple flick of his wrist. He created magic with a point and flex of his feet. He created magic with non-words such as hee-hee and schamone!! Magic, there’s no other word for the way in which he could cast a spell in an arena full of folks or any and everyone tuning in to a televised performance.

The thing about witches and warlocks is not all of them use their power with good intentions. There are a lot of practitioners of Black Magic. Michael is one of them. He is not the only one and I don’t believe he is being persecuted due to his race.

Where there is smoke, there is a fire. For years allegations and settlements and trials swirled around this man and his beloved Neverland Ranch. Like many, I assumed people saw the potential for extortion as he was quite essentric to say the least. I no longer believe he was being blackmailed, I believe he participated in Black magic to seduce parents and children to satisfy his pedophile obsession.

We’ll never know how, when or why he chose to surrender to these disgusting urges rather than access the resources he would have easily been able to afford. There are so many speculations but I won’t go down that rabbit hole. I can only hope others can recognize these unnatural tendencies and seek help. I can only pray these victims and the others who may not yet or ever be able to share their stories are healing.

This has caused me a lot of tears though it’s not about me. I loved an artist while children were abused by a monster. I will not separate art from the artist as my purchases helped fund this black magic. I sit in tears as I accept I will never enjoy an MJ song again. I sit in tears as I’m reminded of the abuse I’ve experienced and the way in which I “coped”. I cry for the victims that include but are not limited to those who spoke out, those remaining silent, those who don’t recognize their experiences as abuse, the friends and family who defended and continue to defend him, his children who only know the pieces of him he shared with them and the legion of fans who are killing off a piece of their childhood in this moment.

There are no rules survivors must follow. There are layers to this and development is impacted in many ways. I encourage us to be empathetic that someone’s journey could be very different than yours and that alone does not make it a lie. Money is the root of all evil and causes people to do some awful sh*t but it also finances some awful sh*t. Personally, I’d rather error on the side of caution and say it was always weird this grown ass man surrounded himself constantly with little boys. It’s was disgusting when he said on national TV he often shares a bed with them. I loved him less when he grabbed his crotch every 5 seconds. It’s been a process of distancing myself from Wacko Jacko since the early 90’s but I have finally stopped. I have gotten enough!

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I am, always. Shout to @kevinajoy for my dope T!!! #blacklivesmatter happy black history month ✊🏾❤️🖤💚 https://www.instagram.com/p/BZpDHROjwyHcB1atdwFdappcyTHHYOKlUYLN380/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1c9to9ywzowbx

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Time to Cleanse My Mind

Brain data dump...

1) bait cars are real. Because the keys are in the ignition makes it no less theft. A woman can be butt ass naked and still has the right to consent to sexual contact or not. Stop saying behavior and clothing are the reasons for abuse. It’s not, abusers/rapists are as has always been the freaking case!

2) Once #45 said there were good people on both sides in Charlottesville you are a complete ass if you didn’t realize he was a racists who supports racism and bigotry

3) I honestly don’t know how I would handle being furloughed. God bless you all and I pray the adults arrive ASAP

4) Toxic masculinity (especially white males) is the root of many of our social ails. They have been threatened like never before and it will get worse before it gets better. You know like a toddler’s temper tantrums.

5) WORRY ABOUT YOURSELF

6) One of the most adult characteristics one can exhibit is the ability to properly communicate. Especially about difficult subject matter

7) I’ll never look at Ronnie DeVoe the same again... but I am grateful for the gut busting laughs I’ve enjoyed today

8} WTF does 8 and a parenthesis make 😎? I ain’t ask for all that!!

9) Insecurities destroy more opportunities than actual shortcomings. I’m always a work in progress.

10) Real recognizes real ✊🏾

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Sadly, It’s the Norm

I believe the reality is such that most of us could not maintain our normal standard of living if we were forced to go weeks without pay. I believe liquid assets are few and far between. If we’re lucky, many of us have retirement accounts but that’s not liquid. If we’re lucky we have a couple thousand in savings and a little bit in checking after the bills are paid. The recommended 6 months worth of salary in a savings account is not the norm, in my opinion. My circumstances are unique as a student but I didn’t have this when I was gainfully employed. I had a lil something something here and there but not half a year worth of income that I could access at the touch of a button.

This time during my studies on a stipend has provided me the opportunity to reevaluate several aspects of my life. I am committed to reducing spending, debt and clutter. Minimalist by my definition my new approach to life. While I’ve always been about experiences not things I can do more. As I think about business ventures and my legacy I am reminded of the point of it all. Empower others while creating circumstances that afford me freedom and flexibility to pursue my wildest dreams.

We should give as we can, volunteer as time permits and always think of the ways our decisions impact others. It is most unfortunate so many who are employed are not receiving wages and we need to come together to support them. They haven’t been negligent, reality is few of us are not living paycheck to paycheck. Check your privilege before you decide to throw stones. Sure I could run up credit card debt to stay afloat but that’s a long term problem for a short term solution.

When employed full time again I vow to have a very different relationship with my salary focusing on not relying on someone else’s money to support me and mine!!

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Another budgetary sacrifice I shall make is not to purchase a lippie all of 2019!! I have so many colors and styles and several I’ve never worn. Again, less is more. I have goals!! 💋

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Less Shall Be More

I vow this year to not purchase one pair of shoes (except running if needed). This is going to be beyond challenging but it’s a necessary step to a minimalist lifestyle I want to slowly lean into. I have more than enough shoes for any imaginable occasion and far too many of them have only been worn once. There are few things I waste money on but it can be said that shoes is my Achilles heel. I am beginning to work on my financial situation as relocation in 18 months is a serious possibility. I want to have residential choices in whichever city I find myself.

So all this to say I am going to avoid an activity that brings me great joy. I am going to challenge myself and focus on my long term goals. I am not afraid of sacrifice though rarely is it enjoyable. This however is yet another way for me to prove to myself I can set, attack and succeed at goals.

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Goal weight reward!!

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Oh Happy Day!

I bought three new bras during the after Xmas sales at very good prices. There is just something about the feeling of a new bra and how not only your girls but your spirits can be lifted. I have a love/hate relationship wit my breasts. After my 2nd child they quadrupled in size and I was pissed. 10 years later I have them surgically reduced. They remain much larger than I prefer and what I think my stature can support. November 2017 a lump was discovered. I say discovered but I had felt it for a few years but wasn’t looking to address it. Foolish, I know. Anywho, I’m cancer free and grateful. I love my breasts for being healthy, I hate them for being huge. Today I am grateful for these new bras that have elevated my girls and my mood 💋

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Always got my back, never disrespectful...cuz his momma taught him that!

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I seriously can’t think of what to say but I just want to show some love to my husband. Ain’t no man like the one I got. How can I fail with him holding me down ❤️