sylveonsarmy

[sylveonsarmy]

Wow. Almost two years later and I finally come back to this Tumblr. (Has it been that long? I honestly don't remember.) I know I have no followers at the moment, that's what happens when you never post anything, so this is a note to myself to really get back into writing poetry. (If I write it I won't forget it.)

Poetry is something that has always brought me a sense of peace, whether I'm writing or reading it, and peace is most definitely what I am searching for. I've had a rough couple of years so going back to what brings me happiness is my new mission statement in life. The last couple of years my new years resolution has been "Why the fuck not?" Why the fuck shouldn't I do all these things I have wanted to do but was afraid to? What the fuck is stopping me except my own fear?

So I went out and embraced "Why the fuck not" the best I could. I dyed my hair a few times (I went blonde, then lavender and now I'm back to blonde), finally quit a career I had spent six years in that was killing my soul, and explored three new career paths. (That's not all I did but those are the biggest changes.) The outcome was travelling down roads I didn't even know existed and learning more about myself and what I was really capable of. Example? If you met me you would most likely call me quiet but nice. Kind of boring, polite but not friendly. Yet one of the career paths I explored was jewellery sales in a mall kiosk and I consistently reached and exceeded my sales goals. Quiet little reserved me was able to do shout outs to complete strangers in a public area. (Unrelated side note - everyone only gets one free 'quiet' when they meet me. Every utterance of that word, or similar, loses you brownie points in my book. The more often a person calls you something, the less likely they are to see you as anything else.) If you had asked me five years ago if I thought I could do that I would've said no. But I challenged myself and pushed the boundaries of my comfort zone and I am so very happy that I did. I'm honestly really proud of myself for being able to do that job.

Of course, not all my experiences were pleasant. My next job was as an independent contractor delivering food and that ended when someone hit me and my car rolled across the highway. Physically I'm fine. I was lucky enough to be driving a great car with amazing safety features and I was extremely lucky that I didn't roll into oncoming traffic so I was able to walk away with just a few bruises. Mentally? Emotionally? I was a wreck for months. My anxiety shot through the roof. I couldn't sleep at night. I was terrified something even worse was going to happen to me. My emotions were everywhere. To top it off, I had to find another job since my car was totalled and I didn't have the money to replace it. Which leads to career path number three, the one I'm currently still in - barista.

Honestly, I love being a barista. Making drinks is extremely Zen to me and I'm a thirsty bitch for new knowledge and learning new things (Ravenclaw!), so exploring an entirely new industry has been awesome. But it's also been a point of major disappointment to me because my training sucked. I work at a licensed major coffee joint (which I will now call mcj for short) and no one, not even my trainer, is officially mcj trained. The girl who trained me may have been knowledgeable about coffee and had more experience than me but she wasn't very good at teaching and would often get very short with me. She would show or tell me something super fast and expect me to remember it right away and a solid 70% of the time when I would ask her a question she would look at me and use a tone of voice that clearly expressed that she thought I was an idiot for asking. Thankfully the rest of my coworkers were a LOT more patient and I ended up learning mostly from them. Which, to be honest, took me longer than I thought it would because after my accident I noticed that my memory and concentration levels were shot to hell.

Which, finally, brings me to where I was heading when I first brought up new years resolutions- my resolution for this year, 2019, is to take care of myself. My anxiety is still a lot higher than it was pre accident and my memory and such still isn't where it used to be. The more time passes the more I feel like myself so this year I'm going to focus on what brings me peace and happiness. Like poetry. 😊

Hopefully now that I've yammered on a lot longer than I was going to I will actually remember to write more poems instead of just thinking about writing them. If you happen to find this Tumblr and decide that you like them, great! I hope whatever I end up writing brings you at least a second of peace. If you happen to find this Tumblr and decide that you don't like what I write, that's great too! I hope you find something else that brings you peace. 😊

[sylveonsarmy]

Solitary Confinement

I don’t hug anymore

Well I do but only when I was already planning to take a shower afterwards

I live in fear of someone brushing against me

Especially my arms or my hair

If it’s my clothes I can just change them

My skin or hair I have to shower

I don’t leave the house

My car and the store are dirty

I have to shower and do laundry as soon as I come home

I clean the door handles and counters

And then I wonder if someone else touched them

Or maybe I missed a spot or just imagined cleaning them

Maybe I’m remembering cleaning from yesterday

So I clean them again

I wash my own clothes and I fold them myself

If someone else touches them I panic and have to wash them again

(they’re dirty now, dirty, dirty, dirty, I can’t wear them they’re dirty)

I’ve gone through three different Clorox wipe scents

I use them so often that the first two, fresh and orange, make me gag now

I leave the bathroom door open with the light on when I go upstairs

That way, if I touch anything, I won’t have to reclean the door handles when I come back down to wash my hands

I can pet the dog, (it’s easy to clean my hands) but I can’t hug my niece when she reaches for me (she’s three)

Hugging her requires a shower afterwards and that’s too much work

I run from her when she approaches

She isn’t old enough to understand why

I hide myself in my room and cry,

Castigating myself for hurting her

For being pathetic

For making her think, even for a second, that I don’t love her

(you’re weak, you’re pathetic, you should just stay away entirely so she forgets you exist and then you can’t hurt her feelings by running away instead of holding her)

I dream of having a dog

Or six

But I dread the thought of other people petting it and spreading their germs on everything it then touches

But how could I be so cruel to a poor dog that deserves more love than I?

So no dog

I research all the treatments to help me get over this

I remember being normal, how could I be normal again?

They all make me panic

I’ve forced my world to shrink

I’ve given over my life to fear and anxiety

All I hear is criticism

(Bitch, control freak, germaphobe, you’re making our lives more difficult, you need help, you’re making us suffer)

Like this is as simple as hitting a switch

And I’m leaving it on all the time on purpose

(get help, see a shrink, get over it already)

There’s no comfort

No understanding

No support

Just a heartbreaking emotional abandonment

My hands are raw

My heart is rawer

I broke free of a deep

Dark

Suicidal depression

Only to be ensnared by an overwhelming demonic anxiety

Full of obsessions and compulsive behavior

I don’t need you to point out everything that is wrong with me

The demons inside scream it loud enough on their own

Copyright L Thompson

[sylveonsarmy]

I had to break free of the cage I built around myself,

The walls growing darker and more confining day after day

I leapt blindly off the cliff into the wild unknown, with only my hope and faith to guide me

I am lost and somewhat adrift

But I am finally free

I am meant for more than mindless monotony

I was born to walk the earth and touch every star

There is only me and an ever expanding universe

Only my own nerve will stop me

Do I dare?

Copyright L Thompson