#& i dont even share half of the shit ive gotten on my main blog

[up-in-flames-writing]

I wasn't sure if I wanted to make this post, but it feels nowadays like no matter what I say, people will find something wrong with it. I can't say anything about transmasculinity without someone with 'TERFs dni' in their bio foaming at the mouth about it.

Cause it ain't just the radfems & the TERFs, half of the damn queer community is like this as well.

And my main point here is that I fucking despise being a transmasc writer. People fucking despise transmasc creators in general!

I remember watching a cishet 'feminist' reviewing a book by a transman, & acting like he was just a stupid little girl who didn't understand feminism, cause he wrote a book about how men are mistreated, & he wrote it as a transman! & I'm sorry that not all of us can be as damn articulate as your feminism priestesses of the 1900s, but even if we were you'd still find a fucking fault in it!

Cause I love writing stories were a girl becomes a warrior & finds out he's actually a man, & he's better this way than he ever was before, & I was once that little girl who was signed up for martial arts classes & got so much euphoria from beating up all the little boys, but I was already a little boy at that time, I just didn't know it!

Oh, but that's not feminist. It ain't 'female empowerment'. Seeing Mulan as trans in your headcanon isn't feminism, & writing about little girls becoming strong men is misogynist, even if that little girl was never a little girl to begin with!

And I'm just so fucking tired, y'all. One type of 'feminist' hates me for being trans, & the other for being a man, & no matter what I do I just get harassed over & over.

& I'll probably bring this curse over to this blog now. Until now, people have been sending harassment to my dead main blog. Well, they won't be able to do that soon. It'll be this blog, or my kinda dead RP blog.

& when I say I'm terrified, I mean it. Cause I was a terrified little girl growing up, bullied for being autistic & weird & queer & faggy & masculine. & now I'm terrified once again, cause I keep being harassed for being autistic, weird, queer, faggy, masculine, & for refusing to shut up about it. & I want this blog to stay a safe place.

But this is my writing blog. I am a writer. I write stories where little girls become strong men, & I wish someone would call that 'trans empowerment'. & what's empowering in staying hidden?

This is my writing blog, & I deserve to speak up against the bullshit I have to face as a transman & a writer. & the truth is: people fucking despise transmasc writers.

[dual-a]

The only thing you gotta know from this is I’m coming back and I wanna do stuff with this blog if you want just scroll down if you dont wanna see my breakdown

so I know this is abusing my following on this acc to vent and speak about this but I have to plus this is my main blog so yeah if you wanna know more about me venting and what this blog is going to change into, continue my fellow cowboys, sorry for the wrong spellings this was typed out so fast

so ive finally begun to feel better. like, i guess i wasn’t in the best state for a while and thats just not fun. but when i announced my official hiatus  (because i havent really gotten into a rp in such a long time because im the worst being ever) and i just felt numb. like i would sit there every second, especially at night, just letting my anxiety eat me up and not let me do anything. my grandfather’s stroke is partly why this is happening i believe because my family wanted to protect me by leaving me completely in the dark and “prayers will work!! dont worry your abuelo will be good as new.” while i really believe in the science and shit like that but im not going into my complex relationship with religion right now. so the other night, my aunt, who has been there with my grandfather every day, finally told me not everything that was going on but enough for me to know the gist and a lot of details. it was finally the time where i really got to just sit there at one in the morning and just sob. i dont know why im going to share this but i feel good typing it out and my other half of the family has built themselves up for the longest time in the industry and have just gotten so much money. we live an entirely different life style from them and yeah. my great tío came in town last week and made so many calls and is now paying an incredible health care and family advocate to come in help us since none of us are doctors. the woman is already proved herself to be one of the best and it is just going to be so much better, i believe. my grandfather also has been receiving medicine to decrease the likely hood of another seizure happening and it isnt what he needs. we’ve refused those medicines (after thorough hours of research) and he is already more alert, happy, and not in a state where its almost like he’s in a coma. hes already in rehab and im just so hopeful now. i just want him to come back to us. He bought me and him tickets to see Cinderella live as a play as a stupid thing for us to spend time together. He bought those tickets back in January. The thing was yesterday. It was so beautiful and my aunt took me to see it in his absence. to be honest, the only reason i wasn’t sobbing the entire time is because my mascara wasn’t waterproof (a powermove) i don’t even care for something as cinderella but just seeing it with him is all i wanted.

So if you actually read the rant, I’m so thankful. I really don’t deserve you and thank you for putting up with me it means the world just to read about me while i cry typing that bullshit. So you wanna know what this blog is gonna be now? Well, I wanna develop these characters so much more. I want asks telling me how i should do better and how their designs could be tweaked to make it so they aren’t mary sues or whatever. I do kinda wish to move Marcio ( @galramari ) to this blog, but I’m not sure. I want to add characters that are little side characters to Aami and Ani’s stories that I haven’t talked about much. I wanna know what youy guys think and I’m gonna come back after I’ve produced more art and stuff and more information. I’m honestly so blessed to have a following on this blog when I don’t deserve it and all the muns I’ve grown closer too and while they have been there for me when I really don’t deserve anything. (Gosh, I keep saying that.) I also want people telling me how i should write aami in a better way. I honest to god love her and she is one of my favorite ocs tbh. I just despise how i write her. Just tell me what you think and sorry for the long post if you clicked this I guess.