#& thinking about being part of something like that - it just scratches an itch ig???

[inga-don-studio]

Welp one step closer to seriously considering getting into burlesque & drag as a hobby

[northerngoshawk]

kfp4 review

just watched kfp4 for the first time yesterday, so here are my initial thoughts

spoilers under the cut!

The Good:

THE FIGHT SCENES!! as someone who once aspired to be a fight animator, the flow of each fight was astonishing - as expected of the kfp franchise 😌 my fav fight scene has to be between po and the chameleon as she shapeshifts into different enemies po had fought. just - UGH. scratches an itch i didn't know i even had

outside of the fight scenes, i really really REALLY loved the way they brought back tai lung. even if we only get like 5 min of dialogue n screentime with him, i really love the way he and po interacted with each other, how tai lung wasn't automatically all buddy-buddy with po and still held an ounce of contempt for po being the dragon warrior as opposed to him - even if he seems like he ultimately found some seamblance of inner peace. it made it that much more satisfying when tai lung finally acknowledges po as the dragon warrior. it really did feel like the resolution of tai lung's arc from the first movie, because while i think tai lung accepted that he would never be the dragon warrior, he didn't accept po as the dragon warrior until that very moment

in relation to the above, i think the part where everyone from the spirit realm acknowledges po alongside tai lung was the shining, pivotal moment of the entire film. it just felt entirely satisfying to see tai lung, shen, and kai in particular acknowledge po as someone worthy of the title of dragon warrior - tai lung bc of what i mentioned above, shen bc he only ever saw po as "the black-and-white warrior" that would defeat him, and kai bc he treated po as a joke until the very end of the third film. there's something very satisfying to see these former villains being saved by the very person they once fought and humbly bowing in respect to him.

the voice acting for the chameleon! the character itself, i'll get to in a moment, but i really do think the voice acting for her was phenomenal.

THE PANGOLIN!! idk why but honestly i thought he was a bit more intimidating than the chameleon. also i love the way they utilized his rolling around, so it didn't exactly feel like he was just being bounced back and forth, but being deliberate about it, like a martial artist

li and ping. i needn't say more.

The Meh:

zhen's character as a whole. ik most people's feelings on her range from indifference to outright hatred, and i personally lean more towards the former. the concept of her character in and of itself is intriguing, but the execution fell flat, turning her into one of those generic i-was-a-bad-guy-who's-totally-gonna-betray-you-but-because-of-your-good-heart-i've-changed-for-the-better characters. i'm fine with newer characters being added to the cast, don't get me wrong, but i want to see more... creativity ig, when it comes to their character arcs. i will say that i did enjoy the banter between her and po.

the jokes. the jokes themselves are fine, i even gave a chuckle every here and there, but the problem was really the timing of them. some jokes were placed well, but others felt like they completely messed up the emotional beats of the movie. some of em even felt almost... sacrilegious, esp when considering the first three movies.

how shen and kai didn't have speaking roles. i really really wished i would've gotten to see them exchange a few words with po alongside tai lung, but i also get the budget may not have allowed it. still, i will give the film points for focusing on them at the right moments, as well as having them flank tai lung when approaching po. not as satisfying as having them exchange a few words, but satisfying nontheless

The Egregious:

a severe lack of the furious five. i get that the budget may not have allowed them to come back in speaking roles, but by sidelining the five, kfp4 just didn't feel like a kfp movie. a core part of the first three movies, esp kfp 1 and 2, was the way the furious five grew alongside po and learned to not only work alongside him but to become his friends. i suppose the reason to have them step away was to also emphasize the "change" theme of the fourth movie, but it shouldn't change to the point where they are no longer a huge part of po's life. by taking them away, kfp4 really lost some of the soul that went into kfp 1-3

the fact that po really called himself the "kung fu panda." this is writing on par with "maybe the true dragon warrior was the friends we made along the way." we didn't need to hear the title come out of a character's mouth. please never ever EVER do that again, writers.

also the fact that po's achievements seemed downplayed in this movie. maybe kfp1 & kfp3 wouldn't be all that well-known, but when you save gongmen city and, essentially, the entirety of china, i'm pretty sure that your exploits would reach far and wide, regardless of where geographically you are on the map. the director mentioned that he wanted to take po to a far, distant land on his journey - but again??? gongmen city????

the chameleon's character. she just... didn't feel as intimidating as the other villains. when we first meet tai lung, he's a shadow with glowing gold eyes in the deepest pits of a dungeon. when we first meet shen, he effortlessly kills one of the most renowned kung fu masters in the land. when we meet kai, he overpowers and steals the chi of master oogway, a respected and well-beloved character in the universe. but chameleon? she just tosses someone down a set of stairs. painful, yes, but not quite as intimidating as the other three. her motivation for being a villain is also a bit weak, seeing as how she bemoans about being "too small" to be a kung fu master when mantis is, quite literally, right there. and while i can see arguments on how master oogway didn't judge mantis by his appearance but by his potential, it just didn't feel like a good enough motivator - or at least, the movie didn't really show us how the discrimination really affected her, instead relying on telling us how it affected her.

the entire plotline. i mean, i can understand needing to pass on the mantle of the dragon warrior to someone else once po passes, but the problem is that it essentially off-sets the ENTIRE point of the first movie. the whole point of being the dragon warrior was that it was a coveted title that couldn't be passed off to just ANYONE - oogway didn't choose tai lung, shifu, or any of the furious five for that very reason. the first film gave the sense of "fate" and "destiny" being the ultimate decider of who gets to be the dragon warrior, while this film po chooses his successor because... what? he felt bad for her and thinks she could become a better person? they could've done that for her without having her become the dragon warrior.

my biggest issue with kfp4, however, was that this entire film just felt like the writers were trying to copy the formula of kfp2 without understanding WHY kfp2 worked. let me break it down: po goes to a distant city with a bad guy that lives at the top of a terrifying tower, commences in a city-wide chase that leaves him in an underground/criminal environment where he tries to recruit people to his cause but fails, then goes out to face the enemy, gets thrown out at first, and then succeeds a second time. the scene when zhen tries to stop po from facing the chameleon, first by sparring with him and then hugging him, was especially remniscent of the scene in kfp2 when tigress tries to stop po from facing shen - except it didn't contain the same emotional beats as kfp2 did. why? it's because tigress and po had two movies to develop their relationship. we've seen how they were in kfp1 vs kfp2, from the one-sided rivalry and even contempt to friends who would put themselves on the line for the other's sake. we also know tigress's character, how she tries to be the stone-cold, tough love kind of person even around her fellow furious five members. so, when we see tigress hug po, it's a very pivotal moment not just for the movie, but for her character arc as well. but when i see zhen do the same thing for po, all i can think about is how it's essentially a cheap replication of what kfp2 does, but without the proper emotional investment and emotional beats kfp2 had.

The Memes:

if i had a nickel for every time awkwafina voiced a character whose themes revolved around trust, i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.

Overall:

despite all my gripes with the movie, i thought that this was a fun movie to watch and not take all that seriously. definitely the weakest movie of the franchise, but not a terrible sequel compared to other franchises. you'd just have to watch and form your own opinion on this movie. personally, if i wanted to watch a kfp movie with some of the best emotional beats of the franchise, i'd just rewatch kfp2.

[ao3-oner]

hello i just read your canmaker hcs and my heart just about melted bc they so cuuuute i swear your writing is god's gift to lol rpf readers

also, can we get hcs about rulhends too? i would love to hear more hcs from you especially about my favorite ship lol

Ahhh thank you so much for the compliment! CanMaker is indeed so cute - I'm glad that I can help other people appreciate that <3

Now for some RuLehends hcs! Yeah, I have a few of those:

Siwoo accidentally became something of a wingman for his brother (who's also a serial flirt imw) because girls kept asking him out and he'd be like 'sorry I'm gay... I do have a straight brother tho'. Eventually he got sick of it and started telling the girls who asked him out to stay away from his playboy brother but his bro found out and definitely got his revenge by not-so-subtly alluding to Siwoo's sexual exploits at the family dinner table. All in all the Son siblings are on good terms with each other but there's a lot of teasing and shenanigans between them. If either one of them were in trouble though the other would be there for them no questions asked (ig that's just how siblings are)

Jaehyuk, on the other hand, has always wished he had an older brother, which is part of the reason he's so close with his hyungs CoreJJ, Rascal, and Peanut. He likes having someone to look up to whom he can consult when he's unsure about the path he's on, since his relationship with his father is pretty stiff. To be honest, it scares him a bit that he's reaching the older side of pro-gamers (in the East, at least) because even after years in the industry he still feels like things are a bit out of his control, and Ruler very much likes being in control of things.

As for the two of them together, one hc grounded in truth is that they were both checking each other out long before they started playing together on GenG. They did a few streams together way back when Siwoo was on Griffin in which Siwoo is very objectively flirty. As in calling Jaehyuk "handsome" and "dear" and all that. And Jaehyuk is fine with it - he's curious. He wants to know exactly what Siwoo's game is. So he watches Siwoo's matches and his relationships and his highs and lows through the years. He knows the mutual attraction between them is there very early on, but he's hesitant to act on it because he knows Siwoo is so volatile and he doesn't like that. Then 2022 rolls around, and...

I alluded to this in MSI, might touch on it more in Worlds, but... hc that for the entirety of 2022, Siwoo was with Jaehyuk and only Jaehyuk. That was a condition of their relationship. And naturally, Siwoo pushed that line a little bit, did a little flirting with other ADCs, made his fair share of threats and what-ifs, but at the end of the day, he never slept with anyone but Jaehyuk all year. Siwoo, surprisingly, was very happy with that, because Jaehyuk is the only partner that Siwoo doesn't feel like he needs to put on a performance for. Jaehyuk's interested in Siwoo for exactly who and what he is, genuinely, or so Siwoo thinks, but then the year ends and Jaehyuk leaves him. And that was absolutely devastating for Siwoo and he relapsed hard (see: my entire 30,000 word fic on the topic).

Thank you so much for the ask! Hope this scratches your RuLehends itch for rn :)

[risubisu]

i don’t want to self-diagnose but i really really think i have either adhd or behavioural problems, or am neurodivergent. it’s not unlikely either, since the last time i met up with my psychiatrist (though that was still before pandemic), she said she suspected that i had adhd

i also noticed that i have a few not-normal mannerisms (some of them were pointed out to me)

covering my ears or just getting really angry when someone talks too loud

doing things like randomly tapping surfaces or bending my fingernails

bad habits such as hair pulling, peeling the skin off my lips, and picking hair from my fingers and knees

feeling like i have to do something, like poking a very specific part of someone else’s body or punching them in some way

^ becoming very upset if they don’t let me (i don’t do it when they don’t want me to but i just feel very uncomfortable about not getting to do it - like an itch you can’t scratch)

stuff like flipping the switch a certain number of times, putting the plug in ‘correctly’, making sure my rice stays only within a certain part of my plate, having to cut sausages / hotdogs a certain angle, petting my dog a certain way

being sensitive about how my clothes fit on me (i can tolerate up until a certain level if i think the fit is flattering, but i rarely do so and often just wear something that’s loose or at least comfortable in terms of the type of fabric)

being picky about my music - as in, even if i like the tunes and lyrics, if the singer’s voice doesn’t ‘hit’ my brain a certain way, i don’t like it

not liking the texture of certain things - such as chalk, rough walls, whiteboard erasers, etc.

in the words of my sister, “you become violent, at random times”

i have realized that that is more than a few but yeah. notes for when i meet my psychologist again and see if she has anything to say about it ig

[mettywiththenotes]

It's actually weird that Tomura has only AFO the in his consciousness rn, because didn't AFO himself said that the vestiges of the quirks he has stolen would haunt him and torment him in his sleep? Where are those vestiges now and how is Tomura coping with them? I kinda want to see a Pov switch to see how the vestige world is like for him (other than the part where he is battling to save his own consciousness from being taken by AFO)

A very good question!

Maybe AFO perhaps has some kinda quirk to keep them away? Though that would have to be a very specific kind of quirk

Or maybe the vestiges he talks of are about the OFA vestiges? Because of the vault in OFA. I’ve seen a few theories about that vault door being a gateway to both of the brother quirks, a door that goes both ways, so to speak

Or I suppose that AFO suppressed these vestiges enough so they wouldn't come to the surface and haunt him or something (using his mind, not a quirk, to keep them out)

I wouldn't be surprised since the Void seems to largely be controlled by subconscious, and AFO has quite a bit of control there. Against his brother and Izuku, there was a tug-of-war for control, but I think AFO in his OWN Void, he'd have a lot of control over what came up

Though one thing I find very interesting in relation to this topic, now that I'm thinking about it, is this panel

See that city below? Why is it there?

With Tomura's subconscious being used in the Void, I wondered if it could maybe be the city he walked through as Tenko, and the hands floating around here could be the hands that neglected to reach out for him. And that is entirely possible!

But what if the city below is holding the many Vestiges of the quirks All For One took?

Just think about that for a second. All For One took SO MANY QUIRKS that he has AN ENTIRE CITY HIDING IN THE VOID to hold all of them

This man could have a whole goddamn civilization of vestige ghosts just. walking around in there

All For One is already such an expansive quirk. It holds so many powers, so I don't see any reason why AFO didn't just. sort his brain out and stash all of the vestiges in one spot, then hide it away

The Vestiges would still be THERE, they would still EXIST. It's just that they'd be hidden

And I imagine that the Vestiges were screaming for some kind of closure, some kind of help for the unrest they have, and All For One just smiled and said "Hey, what if I just make you guys a city, just like the one you lived in when you were alive, and you could spend your undead lives there, away from me? I think that solves everyone's problems"

See, the subconscious is a powerful thing. It hides stuff we aren't even aware of sometimes. It stores the memories we repress, the happy ones we never meant to forget, it has them all. So I think it's entirely possible that AFO just... imagined a place to stash them all, and kept it there

Especially if AFO is good at visualizing, he could easily make up this city and just shove them all in there

I don't think the Vestiges are GONE, or that he's lying, or that he just doesn't have any anymore. They just don't BOTHER him. Cause they're "living their undead lives" away from AFO, and allowing him to think more clearly

And, if we think a little deeper into this, those disembodied hands floating around Tomura could be the Vestiges reaching out for help or smthg

As for Tomura, I don't think he has the faintest idea as to what is going on. Or EVEN WORSE, AFO could have stashed HIM away too (to avoid Tomura from distracting him ig) and put him with the Vestiges in the city! Again, maybe not likely, but could you IMAGINE if that were true? It would be so horrifying

Thank you for the ask! You got my brain-gears turning with this one, and I always kinda wondered about the city in the Void, so I'm glad this question itched that scratch as to the possible why and how :)

[ubemango]

Year after year (after tear after tear)

note 1: I wrote this last semester after watching deathly hallows for the one hundredth time... I got mad that Ron/Hermione were a thing instead of Harry/Hermione ANYWAY that’s not the point of the fic but U know that feel when Ron/Lavender were together and Hermione was crying the whole time??? Yeah that’s the point of this fic. Also based off a drabble I didn’t reupload; this is the revamped version ig

+ thank you Luna and Miss Minnie for helping me out and reading through this <3

note 2: “Ella will u ever write anything other than college au” Nope die mad about it

PAIRING. jeongguk/being in love, reader/crying, taehyung/being a good friend:( GENRE. sad romance. it’s college angst RATED. T WORD COUNT. 3.4k WARNINGS. I don’t mean it. SUMMARY. Taehyung just wants you to have a good birthday.

let me go, let me stay, let me live in oblivion...

cehryl, sway

(1) 

He doesn’t even need to say she’s there. It’s the same succession of movement every time: his spine will go rigid, then his eyes will light up. Maybe he’ll twiddle his thumbs under the table too. He fidgets like he is.

“I really like her,” Jeongguk sighs.

“That’s good,” you answer.

You stab at the margins of your notebook with your pen. Taehyung doesn’t say anything. He sits across you, unwounded and wholly unbothered, taking another bite of his messy sandwich. At least he cares enough to send you a look that says he understands your vexation.

“Why don’t you go talk to her then?” Taehyung says.

Jeongguk fidgets a little more. He sends another forlorn look past Taehyung’s shoulders. “She hasn’t texted me back.”

“When’d you text her?”

“Like two hours ago.”

“Hmph,” Taehyung grumbles. Instantly you think of Jeongguk waking up with the urgent need to text Jieun. You resist making the disturbed noise that itches at your throat.

“Maybe she’s just too busy,” Jeongguk argues.

“Well she is carrying a billion textbooks,” you chime in. And you’re not wrong. Jieun stands near the pizza station, contemplating lunch choices with the burdens of fourth-year organic chemistry and animal physiology in her tiny hands. She’s dainty in that pretty way. If you had the gall, you’d be green with jealousy, but even you can’t deny her charm.

“Maybe I’ll go help her—“

Taehyung slams his hands across the table on his arm. “Do not.”

“She’s so cute.” Jeongguk resigns, sitting back down.

If you were kinder to yourself, you’d excuse your presence for the sake of finding solace in your homework elsewhere. There’s a weird mixture of pity and rapture that keeps you glued to your seat though; while you loathe to sit out one more second of Jeongguk foaming at the mouth for annoyingly-pretty-Jieun, there’s also the anchor in your heart that weighs you right back down to him. 

In a less metaphoric translation: he cut his hair and he looks really good.

“So are you… talking talking?” Taehyung asks through mushy bread.

“Sorta,” Jeongguk says. “I mean—she and I talk through Snap.”

“Does she save your messages?”

“Nope.”

“Jesus,” Taehyung says again.

“I do,” Jeongguk interjects.

“Christ.” Taehyung snorts. “Do you guys have any classes together?”

“A-level anthropology. She needed it for her degree requirement.”

It makes sense. “So she was the fourth year you had to talk to for group discussion,” you recall.

“Yeah.”

“And now you’re in love with her.” (Taehyung gives you a sharp stare.)

“Well—sure,” Jeongguk replies. “I don’t know. She’s cool. The other day she was watching a stream of someone playing Resident Evil and my heart was so—big for her.”

You scrunch your nose. He says this like you didn’t come over the second it came out and took turns playing it with him but you won’t bring it up. “Cute,” you say instead.

“Oh.” You watch his phone light up on the table. “It’s—she messaged me back.”

Jeongguk stays preoccupied tapping furiously on his screen. Taehyung finishes his sandwich with a gulp, offering you one more glance of understanding. Your chest hurts.

(2)

There’s a movie playing in the student lounge tonight. Some high-definition, revolutionary take on pop culture you haven’t watched the trailer for yet. It’s Jeongguk who invites you.  

He’s saved you a seat next to him on the couch, buttered popcorn hot on his lap. “You’re late,” Jeongguk complains when you fall into the cushion next to him.

“I don’t like movies.”

“But you like me.”

You know it’s a joke. But offence comes in the form of a shiver that runs right down your back, and if he was any closer he probably would have felt it. “Sure,” you answer instead. “Taehyung not here yet?”

“Nah.” He tips the bucket in your direction in offering, and you scoop a handful of kernels. “He had some band rehearsal or something. He’ll probably come later.”

The opening scenes drone into a buzz you pay half-attention to. A lot of people are here tonight, and the convention of silence isn’t something they really care about because you can barely hear what you’re not even trying to listen to. Jeongguk groans. “So loud,” he says.

You shrug. “Are you sad about that?”

“Shut up.” He clicks his tongue. Spreads his legs and leans back attractively, and you cross your legs to distract yourself from the sudden track of desire that makes a course through your head. Literally any boy could do the same douchey thing and you’d find it gross, but Jeongguk was never any boy. Jeongguk is clumsy and knocks his knees against yours and apologizes quick under his breath, and you notice he hasn’t looked at you once.

You don’t put it past him. You probably shouldn’t be so preoccupied with your messy love life when the one it concerns is right next to you. But it’s easy to get lost in the lull of the movie you’re not here for, seeking out Jeongguk’s presence, because it’s what you do when you don’t care about the consequences.

You turn to him when he nudges your shoulder.

“Hey,” he whispers. 

“Yeah?”

“I see Jieun.”

Of course he sees Jieun. You know how it works. The signal that blares the second you notice something’s right about the room, your periphery shrinking into the one thing, and it was Jeongguk sitting on this couch. You didn’t even need to search for him because he was just there. Now Jieun is just there and and you’re here but not to Jeongguk. 

Never for Jeongguk.

You nod in agreement. “Yeah. Up front?”

“Mhm.”

The glow of the screen surrounds her, almost like she’s some holy deity. Trust Jieun to make the back of her head just as pretty as her face. There’s bitterness, but there’s also acceptance, and that’s what’s mashing at your insides. “She’s alone,” you remark.

“She says she likes going to the movies here,” Jeongguk says, and it clicks.

“So you’re here for her.”

He scratches his chin, frowning. “I—maybe. Yeah,” he flounders.

You're quiet for the sake of being polite, but a million derisive words jumble quiet in your head. Like you’d said earlier, you don’t even like movies. But it meant an hour and a half of wondering if his thigh would touch yours. An amalgamation of all the sweetest things you could imagine happening in this two-seater, and he won’t spare you one glance. 

You find your words before you start floundering, too. “So are you gonna talk to her?”

“I want to.”

“You should if you want to.”

“I just—“ he pauses when the dialogue continues loudly on-screen— “I… have a question.”

“Sure.”

“Friend to friend.” Your insides freeze up. For a strange couple seconds, you contemplate laughing. “I just—I feel so clueless. I like her a lot but it feels like it’s going nowhere. One second I’m texting her and it really seems like it’s going somewhere and then she doesn’t talk to me for two days.”

“Sounds rough,” you offer. 

“It’s annoying. I don’t know. I mean we’re nowhere near exclusive but I’m still sorta hurt, y’know? Is it—is it wrong for me to feel like that? Am I allowed to feel this sad?”

Jeongguk takes the pause for your initial thoughts to dump a handful of popcorn in his mouth. You both stare forward, and you know who he’s looking at. “Is that your question?” You mumble.

“Yeah.”

You stick your hand in the bucket. Jeongguk takes his hand out. “You’re allowed to be sad.”

“Hm,” he huffs.

“It’s a bad feeling—like you’re going somewhere with someone when you really aren’t,” you continue. You bring your knees up to your chest, and if your shoes scuff the couch you don’t really care. “It’s not your fault. I get it. You get the—the hope that she’ll keep talking to you, because if she’s not then it feels like she doesn’t care, right? And it all just blows up in your face when you don’t talk but when you do it feels good again. You know. Like a cycle.”

Jeongguk nods fast. “A dumb cycle,” he snorts, and you can’t help but agree.

“You’ll be fine,” you say.

“Thanks.” He bumps his elbow against yours in an effort to lighten up the mood. “You know. Whoever you end up with? They’re really lucky.”

Ouch. That’s literally the last thing you’d planned on hearing tonight, but you’ll take it anyway. “You’re too nice to me.”

“I mean it!”

“Thanks.” You’ve never doubted his sincerity—never will. But when it works against your favour, it’s hard to hide being terse. Especially when you have nothing left to say. 

On-screen, a couple shares a passionate kiss.

“I don’t like this movie,” you decide.

Jeongguk hums. “Sorry.”

The moment is done. You had come for loveless possibilities; watched them disintegrate with every word Jeongguk spoke. The rational part of your brain reminds you it isn’t his fault. 

It’s always yours.

“You should go sit with her,” you encourage.

“Really?”

If Jeongguk’s trying to hide his excitement, it’s not working. He sucks in his bottom lip. Something he does when he’s contemplating anything nerve-wracking, and with the awful feeling stabbing your stomach, you remember how hard it is to forget the small things about him. “Go. I’ll save this seat for Taehyung.”

“Alright,” he resolves. He hands you the popcorn bucket. Gives you one last hopeful look and bounds off to the front without warning. 

You watch him whisper to get Jieun's attention. She adjusts fast, it seems—he slides in the couch right next to her in an instant. When his shoulder touches hers, your heart shatters.

Taehyung doesn’t show up. When the movie’s done, Jeongguk and Jieun are nowhere to be seen. 

At least you got the popcorn to yourself.

(3)

“You’re such a masochist,” Taehyung declares.

“Maybe.”

"Stop talking to him."

"Stop talking to our best friend?" No one really comes to the library on weekends. It's a void you signed up to volunteer in, shelving books in peace. But this time Taehyung insisted he come by to help you out. Really he'd just felt bad that he couldn't make it to movie night last week, and he'd listened to the failed outcome with kind ears—and unkind advice. "I can't just—do that."

"I mean like taking a friendship break," he suggests. You hand him the generous weight of a British literature anthology to slot in. "What the fuck. This is so heavy. Anyway go join a club or something. Distract yourself."

"So much work."

"Yeah but would you rather die every time J-word comes around?" Taehyung frowns when you push the trolley ahead without him. "Priorities. Priorities!"

His volume is a touch higher than the acceptable whisper, and you make sure his foot falls victim to the sudden stop of the wheels. He grumbles when it scuffs his shoe. "It's not easy!" You scold tightly.

"Neither is sticking around him all the time! It's been three years. We graduate soon. And I don't want to sound mean, but you need to deal with all of this better."

What he means? An honest effort. What you take from it? Nothing, because dealing with it means confronting your feelings with a rationality you don't have. You'll never be poised enough for that. 

"It's not easy," you repeat.

You're getting restive, rifling through the spines of books with unsteady hands. You want to blame the coffee you had before coming in, but the more you succumb to Taehyung's comfort, the more you unravel. He does nothing but watch now. "Are you okay?" He asks. "Like really?"

Easy question. You still hesitate. "Nope."

He sighs like he didn't want that answer. "It's been a long time, huh."

Of what, he doesn't say. He doesn't need to. You know what the context is—Jeongguk became a constant the minute you'd exchanged hellos in first year. Your friendship was never an extravagant affair: just something you'd pursued with no romantic prompt whatsoever, because statistics isn't the easiest for people who are only doing it for the credit. He's always been good at easy things.

It's all about happenstance. How saying hi to a kind face in a cold classroom means unfolding three years worth of tumult. You think of all the fairytales you’ve lived: fifth-grade harbingers of cheek kisses, high school promises that would bring you to the ends of the Earth. Now, a lost cause, because college isn’t grounds for fair endings, and the authors of your fate are not kind. How easy it would be to just pick it up and shove it along with the other books you push into the shelf.

You can't help but mirror Jeongguk's anguish. "I'm stupid," you confess, rounding the next aisle to crouch and stock the bottom of the bookcase. 

Taehyung hums. "You're not."

"It's my fault."

"It's not your fault," he argues. "You're just good at loving someone. But that doesn't mean it feels good. Don't be mad when I say what I'm about to say."

"Okay," you caution.

"Sometimes I want to punch your head," Taehyung explains. He tuts when you make a target of his ankle with the hardcover in your hand. "You know? Pinch the I love Jeongguk nerves till they go away."

"You're very nice.”

He runs a hand along the spines of the history of the Middle Ages. "I just don't like seeing you so hurt all the time,” he says. He walks on ahead wordlessly. You stare at the boring carpet of the floor, and think of how nice it is to have Taehyung as a friend.

(3.9)

There’s something particularly amazing about the drive to do well in school: the hyper-sensitive awareness of your dwindling sense of self, because late nights and dehydration have pretty much become personal traits at this point. You’ll look online for ways to do self-care later. It’s a fatalistic time of year, studying for exams. Maybe you should straighten your back, but no one’s in your room to scold you this late at night.

It takes two seconds past midnight for Taehyung to bulldoze through your text notifications.

[12:00:02 AM] taehyubg: HAPPY

[12:00:04 AM] taehyubg: BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [12:00:09 AM] taehyubg: Sorry u have to study about profit margins or whatever [12:00:15 AM] taehyubg: Take it easy 👌🏼

[12:00:30 AM] You: thank you :)

[12:00:38 AM] You: fhdfkjhsfkjf i’m tired!!!!! buy me coffee tomorrow as ur gift

[12:01:09 AM] taehyubg: Yeah

[12:01:13 AM] taehyubg: Maybe

[12:01:15 AM] taehyubg: :P

[12:01:29 AM] taehyubg: Ok I’ll let u study. Seriously though. good luck!

[12:01:40 AM] You: thank u:) again lol

You lay your phone down flat. Too many temptations to consider if you keep the screen within your periphery, but that doesn't stop you from leaving the ringer on.

In the thoughtless state of staring at your loopy handwriting, you think of Jeongguk.

Maybe he’s hunched over his desk, too. Contemplating his own writing, because they’re incomprehensible and he’s too proud to give up the faux-cursive he’s learned for fast lecturers. 

Or maybe he’s lying down in bed, considering sleep with tired eyes. Maybe he listens to the ticking of his clock. The seconds trailing past midnight, and maybe, you hope, maybe it’s still too early, because he's never forgotten your birthday before.

The shrieks of your phone scratching the wood on your desk ring loud. You try not to sink into sad possibilities. So you grab for it, and the split second before you swipe, you see Jeongguk’s face, and you sigh in relief. 

“Hi,” his voice filters through the line. "Is it—am I too late? Is it late?"

"No. Not at all," you answer a little more breathlessly than you want to let on.

"Oh. Cool. Ha. How—how are you?"

Not an uncommon greeting but you thought—”I’m good."

"Good. You're studying too right? You have your exam tomorrow?"

"So you just called to check on me?"

"Sure."

"Ah. Okay," you whisper. 

"Actually, no—I. I called because I just wanted someone to talk to. If that's okay."

The screen is strikingly cold on your hot cheek. If you focus hard enough, the atoms inside you might collide faster and burst into complete hysterics. You think the drama is warranted. 

Of course he forgot your birthday. 

"It's fine,” you mumble. “Are you okay?"

"I just—ahhh… Just nervous is all. Jieun, she—we’re seeing another movie tomorrow night, so."

"Well you're just watching a movie."

"Yeah but. I don't know. I don't have you, this time."

You could analyze the irony of that sentence but then you'd really explode. The softness of his words are stifling. "Sorry."

"I just want it to be perfect," he says.

"That's good."

Jeongguk makes a rough noise. Stretching, probably. "Are you sure I'm not calling too late?"

"Positive," you answer. Rigid in your posture, like how he changes his stance when he sees Jieun. Now, you don't really see anything. Just the blur of the oddities of your messy notes and the very real truth of the boy who knows nothing, sitting in his room, oblivious to the pounding of your heart. Your head. It hurts to keep your eyes open.

"Cool. Thanks," he sighs. "Thanks for—uh. Listening. I keep talking about... her. Don't I?"

"Yeah, but. We can't help who we like, can we."

"Right."

Tonight he talks about her pretty fingernails, and her shiny hair. The buzzing in your ears cuts him off thirty minutes into the phone call. You think you might convince yourself to spew the polemic sitting ugly under your tongue, so you bid him a hasty goodbye with the excuse of covering content you haven't gotten to yet. 

He hangs up first. You feel much, much older. 

(4)

There’s a bench on the east side of campus, across the iron statue of a revered professor. It’s decorated with a dandelion flower crown. A bird alights on its head. Taehyung meets you with a medium coffee, and a muted smile. 

"You did good," he says. 

You give him an attempt at a grateful look. Today, nothing sits right: the exam was hellish, and the skin of your ring finger throbs red from writing too hard. The loom of your headache threatens a siege but you sip at the heat of your coffee before you can think about it. “Thanks.”

Taehyung sighs into his seat. “Nice weather,” he jokes. He points at the chubby swallow currently chirping high noises of delight. “It’s saying happy birthday.”

“That’s cute.”

“Speaking of a little birdie,” he clears his throat, “heard our little fledgling was psyched for another date soon.”

You are very aware. And it’s not like he had to be cautious about bringing the subject up—Taehyung’s as much of an insider about Jeongguk’s love life as much as you are victim. Friendship codes are complicated. Taehyung knows how much you hurt. “He called me last night.”

“He did?”

“Oh yeah. Told me all about how he wanted everything to be perfect,” you recall. You feel the daggers of Taehyung’s gaze on your face. “I—I don’t know anything anymore.”

He shrugs. “You’re smart.”

“He didn’t remember it was my birthday.”

“So did you remind him?”

“No,” you admit.

“You’re smart,” Taehyung repeats. “Letting him get all in his head. Makes his downfall that much better.”

You take refuge in his aggressive comfort, the dying warmth of the cup in your hands. The grip you have, tightens. “So what I’m hearing is that you’re on my side.”

“I don’t give a fuck about Jieun this, Jieun that.” He clicks his teeth. “Maybe I do. I don’t know. But if all that it does is make you so small like this…”

The swallow has been pecking at the professor’s glasses. It takes a moment to reflect, twisting its neck in a robotic staccato. Then it flies off. Up, up—flapping and struggling, and it soars right past the windows of the student lounge.

Jeongguk and Jieun make a very pretty pair waiting in line for free popcorn. Taehyung lets you squeeze his arm.

“Is it supposed to feel like this?” You falter in the question. 

“No,” he says. He accepts your tears with his hard shoulder. “It shouldn’t. But happy birthday anyway.”

[sungchanlele]

Merman!Sungchan fic

Based on an anon ask and @philosopher-of-fandoms​ 

Philo, I had to do it, that anon ask just activated my writter mode XD

TW: Slightly graffic descriptions, drowning (sort of), gross imagery ig?

Sorry for spelling mistakes, english is not my first language and I first wrote is in my notebook and then here.

His hand trailed at his neck slowly, sensing his wet skin, until he felt something on his neck, like an opening of some sorts, his skin pushed up and a cold, sticky flesh of some sort was there.

Sungchan let out a whimper, a chill running up his spine as he gazed at himself on the mirror; his scared expression glancing back at him, still sitting down on the tube filled with water, everything seemed normal but…

His breath hitched, there on his neck was indeed something strange… his flesh pushed up to give a blue-ish color that with each second it became clear:

Gills…

There were gills appearing on his neck.

The boy was so in shock still, that when he heard the door of the dorm close, he went to grab his towel, but the moment he stood up, he had to bit down his tongue to not let out a yell, as a sharp pain on his legs sent him down to the floor.

He glanced at his legs and he felt himself panic; as he saw beautiful blue scales appearing on his legs, his skin barely visible at this point, the itch he had felt a while ago, before he noticed the gills, now made perfect sense…

That itch was because he was starting to transform, and everytime he scratched, he was tearing his skin open to let the scales and gills appear…

Sungchan gasped when a knock on the door was heard:

“Sungchannie”- He recognized the soft voice of Shotaro- “Are you ok? I heard like a ‘thump!’ did you fall?”

The younger boy took deep breaths, trying to calm himself and his voice down, disguising the alarm in his tone as best as he could, his eyes fixated on his legs, his hand still on his neck, covering the gills.

“I’m alright, I-“- Deep breaths, that’s it- “My bottle of shampoo fell, sorry, I’ll be out in a minute”

“Okay then”- Shotaro said- “Remember to put wear comfortable clothes, we have filming session after lunch”

Sungchan tried once again to stand, his feel still stinging in pain that he covered his mouth to stifle the whimpers and cries, he grabbed his towel and covered the scales of his legs, his mind racing to figure out what to do

“Sungchan?”

“Alright, yes, I know…”- The younger answered, his voice trembling a bit, but then he heard Shotaro walking away.

The 01´liner then started to rub the towel on his legs, and after some minutes, he lifted it, noticing that –thankfully- the scales were starting to disappear.

When there were not traces of scales left, he took note that it didn’t hurt to stand, so he managed to put on his clothes, and grabbed the drier, directing it to his neck, watching the gills disappear as the hot air hit them mercilessly.

-------

From that day on, Sungchan’s showers lasted 5 to 7 minutes, the terror of seeing the gills or scales appearing on his body following him constantly.

Those short times he spend in the water did help diminish the appearance of those things, sometimes not even showing at all; no itching, no blue scales, no gills… nothing.

It made Sungchan question himself, even, if what he had seen and felt that day in the bathroom had even happened or was it a dream.

It wasn’t until they were at a football field to film NCT World, that he knew he hasn’t dream it.

The clouds on the sky were a menacing grey that unnerved Sungchan greatly; so far he had been really careful to not let the rain catch him by surprise since he discovered his… whatever-condition-fish-thing-he-is, and today, the only day he thought it would be safe not to bring his trusty umbrella…

In all honestly, he wasn’t even sure if those things would even appear with rain water, but he didn’t even wanted to find out, but –judging by the weather- it seemed that the universe had other plans for him…

The members were doing penalty shots, and when it was Sungchan’s turn, he managed to score a perfect goal, which earned cheerful screams from his team and he smiled happily…

Until he felt a drop of water on his cheek that made him stop celebrating, glancing at the sky in terror.

No, please no…

He felt the second, and then third… and then, the rain came down fully.

The 01’liner didn’t waited long, he turned around and left, running toward the tents, that by the time he arrived, his shirt and hair completely wet: the itching starting to feel on his chest and cheeks.

A staff member thankfully gave him a small towel and he placed it on his face, covering the mouth and cheeks, as he made way to the bathroom, his face on the mirror:

Scales

Small scales on his cheeks, and as he lifted his shirt, there were also small glimpses of them on his chest, not as flashy as the ones on his cheeks though, which was a relief.

He rested his back on the door and waited, listening to the rain still falling outside, the boy drying his face with the small towel, after a while seeing the scales fading away.

Once Sungchan got out, the rain was just small droplets, and the members were back on the tents, some of them laughing and completely soaking wet, the clear evidence of them having played while it rained.

They didn’t seemed to have noticed that the 01’liner had ran away so it was a relief he didn’t needed to make up an excuse-

“Sungchan, where were you?”- Sungchan froze, while Jisung swung an arm around him- “You missed out a really fun game of chase!”

“I’m sorry, I had to use the bathroom”- He said rapidly with a quick smile- “Who won?”

“Me, of course”- Chenle said with a proud smile- “Jisung almost won the last round, but the rain made the grass so slippery that it gave me advantage”

The boy smiled as the maknaes continued telling him about the game, the manager then telling them that filming would resume once they changed to dry clothing.

As he walked to grab his warm sporty outfit, he glanced at the sky, seeing the grey clouds far away, and letting the blue color give a sense of calm to the young boy, who took a deep breath and walked away to get changed.

-------

Weeks later after the incident at the football field, SM gave Sungchan and the members instructions that they would go to a water park, and the mere mention of that, it made the 01´liner stop walking toward the car, paling in a heartbeat.

Water… with the scales and the gills and god know what else that he had…

He stepped back, and the members that were going to share with him the car ride glanced at him worried and confused:

“Sungchan?”- Mark called him, but the younger didn’t looked at him, the floor was suddenly interesting, he was also scared that they were angry at him, but…

The image of the scales, the gills… the itching… it terrified him to no end.

“I can’t”- He said quietly as he shook his head, as if it would erase the mental image- “I’m sorry, I can’t-“

Sungchan glanced at his manager, his eyes pleading and the panic was slowly crawling:

“I can’t-“

“Sungchannie”- Taeyong seized him gently by the shoulders, making the younger look at him in the eyes- “Why can’t you go? Tell me, please”

“I’m scared”- He whispered, wanting to look away, fearful that the leader would see the truth, almost spilling the truth but:- “I can’t swim, I don’t know how…”

The leader visibly relaxed, flashing the taller boy a warm and reassuring smile, comprehending the situation:

“Oh, it’s ok Sungchan, you don’t have to go to the water”- He said calmly, comforting the younger- “You can stay outside, so then you can come and cheer us, how does that sound?”

At that, the younger looked at him and smiled shyly, nodding as he let himself be pulled to the van, sitting down uneasily beside Shotaro, who placed a comforting hand on Sungchan’s, easing the 01`liner.

At the park, Sungchan sat down safely on the tables where the member’s belongings were, the younger glancing at the others who were doing their respective missions for the filming.

The fact that there was water everywhere it made him feel uneasy but it calmed him down to be looking at the others from where he was standing, besides, it distracted him seeing the action from afar, knowing that his reactions and commentary was being filmed.

It saddened to him somehow the fact that once, he would be jumping around and joining every single mission, participating constantly just to be on those water games, his competitiveness going overboard, trying to win…

But his situation was different now, and he had to be careful, think critically.

He saw Jisung waving at him happily, pleading to him to accompany him and the others of his team- who just finished his part of the filming- to go with them to the main pool.

Sungchan felt his stomach churn, a chill on his spine, but nodded, keeping a close eye on where he was walking, seeing also at the corner of his eye that the camera crews were also following him.

He reached the pool, the enormous body of water sending the 01`liner shivers; he immediately took a seat on the chairs as he watched Jisung, Chenle, Shotaro, and Renjun playing and screaming around.

The sight made Sungchan smile and relaxing, secretly wishing he could also join them, but every time he wished that, memories came crashing in his mind: the football situation, the event on the bathroom…

His torment was interrupted –thankfully- by the director who had called him, an excited –and slightly- forced smile on his face:

“Sungchanssi, we need to take some shots of you in the water”- He said- “The producer wants to also have some material of you beside the commentary and the reactions, just so the fans can also see you have fun with the members”

The 01’liner felt his blood freeze, and just before he could start talking out his panic with excuses and explanations, the director cut him short:

“At least to have your feet on the water, sitting down there outside of the pool”

Sungchan shook his head rapidly, staying put where he was, not moving an inch.

“I’m sorry, I can’t, I-“

“Why not? You won’t be on the pool, just outside, and only your feet in”- The director said pleadingly, a hint of annoyance and frustration on his voice- “Just so your fans can see you together with the members”

“But I-“

“It’s just for a few minutes, yes?”- The man said with a grin, urging Sungchan up, the taller boy stuttering in panic as he started to tremble, walking toward the pool, each step increasing the panic in the younger.

“Sungchan?”

The aforementioned turned, seeing Jaemin walking toward them, he looked at the younger confused.

“Jaeminssi, just perfect! You can also join him on the pool with the others!”- The director clapped excitedly.

“The pool?”- Jaemin asked even more puzzled- “Sungchan is scared of the water, he doesn’t know how to swim”

Jaemin’s expression hardened as he saw Sungchan’s eyes watering, staring terrified at the water that was almost on his feet.

“Why are you pressuring him to do something he doesn’t want to?”

“We need content of him, the reactions and the commentary is not enough”- The older man said with an annoyed tone, his façade now thrown away due to the fury in Jaemin’s voice- “ The fans will get annoyed or will suspect something is wrong if they see that he’s not with-“

“The fans will understand if Sungchan explains later to them his reasons”- Jaemin said coldly- “And if he doesn’t want to, he doesn’t have the obligation to do so, his true fans will stay and will understand that it’s a personal situation and will continue to support him”

The director’s anger was as clear as the water in his eyes, yet the fakest of the grins adorned his face, he was clearly getting fed up with Jaemin’s attitude, while Sungchan just stood there, watching the exchange and staying silent.

“The producer ordered me to take shots of this kid”- The man said, pointing at taller, who flinched- “So either you stay with him on the pool, or not, I don’t care, I’m going to follow the orders even if he wants to or not”

The director’s eyes landed on Sungchan and said:

“Sit”

The taller boy nodding nervously, sitting down not putting his feet on the water, but bringing his legs close, he also saw Jaemin next to him, an apologetic smile on his face.

“Feet on the water please”- The director said

“He’s here, at least let him be like this”- Jaemin spat annoyed- “You’ve made him feel uncomfortable enough”

The man rolled his eyes at that:

“Put yours in the water, then”

Jaemin then showed him a fake grin, as he said in a venomous tone:

“Gladly”

Both boys then were left alone, staying there for some minutes, Jaemin distracting Sungchan, who eyed the water nervously, by asking him questions, before the others joined them.

After Jaemin explained what had happened and why Sungchan was there, the others also did their best to distract the really tense boy.

After a while, Sungchan had relaxed a lot, that he was curious on the temperature of the water:

“It’s warm, and really deep too”- Jisung said- “Because of the trampoline”

“It’s a diving pool”- Renjun nodded

“It’s really fun!”- Chenle added smiling, glancing at Sungchan proudly- “I won on the competition of how much can we last on the deep part of the pool, now Shotaro hyung owes us dinner”

Sungchan laughed at that, especially once he saw Shotaro’s regretful expression:

“I’m sure they cheated”- He mouthed

“How can we cheat on a breathing competition?”- Chenle almost yelled completely offended

And a debate had started, a debate that –somehow- the two boys outside of the pool couldn’t determine who would win.

They were so immersed on the discussion that they didn’t noticed the two newcomers that joined them:

“Hey guys!”- Lucas’s voice sounded behind Sungchan, who jumped startled- “Why didn’t you tell us you were going to be here? We’ve been looking for you all”

“Dude, this pool is bigger and deeper than the other one, we should all take pictures here”- Donghyuck said with a big and excited smile, motioning Jaemin to stand up.

“Yeah come on!”- Lucas said excitedly as he pulled up a now terrified Sungchan to stand up, Jaemin trying to stop him:

“No! Stop, he’s scared of the wa-!”

His explaining was cut short as Donghyuck pushed him to the water, laughter filling up the place.

Just before Sungchan could scream in terror, he felt himself being pushed, and the cold, refreshing water hitting his body.

One would say that he would just swim, get out, run and hide on the bathrooms like what happened when he was soaked in the football field, but this time he didn’t feel like it, he just… surrendered.

I’m tired…

The itching started immediately, and he felt his skin just changing, the scales appearing rapidly, perhaps because his whole body was inside the water, and what shocked him was… shouldn’t him be out of air by this point?

No…

His hands went to his neck, the gills being there and allowing him to breathe under water…

He could breathe under water…

Sungchan then tried to move his legs to swim up, but he couldn’t… he glanced down and discovered his… tail…

He had a tail… his legs were gone…

The beautiful blue scales covered his (what once were) legs and his arms, and as he swam up as best as he could, he watched the member’s and the camera crew’s shocked expressions.

He felt a timid hand on his neck, seeing Jisung touching the gills:

“Is this for real?”- He muttered- “Wait-“

“Is this why you were so scared of the water?”- Chenle asked surprised

He nodded, glancing away.

“Since when?”- Renjun asked worried, swimming close to the taller member

“A couple of months”- He answered, as he swam to the edge of the pool, not wanting the camera crew to film him, the other members also shielding him.

He saw another person swimming close to him, Shotaro, who was as surprised as the other members; he lifted his hand close to Sungchan’s, touching the scales.

“Pretty”- He said, with a bright smile on his face- “So cool”

“He’s right”- Jaemin nodded, swimming also close to Sungchan, his eyes on the tail- “Now not only you’re an ace at soccer, but also probably at swimming!”

At that, the others nodded and exclaimed their agreement to what he had said, but Sungchan quickly shook his head:

“No, I don’t know how this even work, or how fast I can go, this is…”- He looked down at his arms and the tail, slightly self conscious and ashamed- “This is the first time I’ve fully transformed”

“What?”

Uproar was then unleashed as the members then urged Sungchan to use his “new body” to see how fast he could be and before they could be stopped, a swimming competition had been planned.

The rest of the NCT members quickly joined, most of them shocked when they saw Sungchan, especially Taeyong, who then connected the dots, but then:

“Who threw you on the water?”

The members then quickly pointed at Lucas, who then apologized to Sungchan for the 2467532 time, earning a shy:

“It’s okay”

After that event, SM had to pay a great amount of money to the camera crew and the rest of the people who saw Sungchan’s merman form in order to keep them silent.

There were times where rumors came here and there, and even if they were truth or not, the fandom supported Sungchan’s decision to not speak about his “fear”. 

Although the theory of him being a merman circulated but was not being believed by anyone… some of the fans –the 95% of them- agreed to the fact that if he were, he would be so handsome and cool.

Little did they knew…

There were times where the members would still get surprised to see scales on Sungchan’s arms or the gills on his neck. (Jisung one time walked to see him on the floor with his tail out, trying to reach for the drier) But at the end of the day, Sungchan was still himself, and the important thing is that his members supported him, his fans too, and nothing else mattered, because for once, he felt free.

[risuave]

Blog #5: Environment in the Present Moment

This week’s shout outs go to Carrie, Candice, Halsey, and Nick for helping keep me grounded during a particularly stressful week, and to the troll who keeps hitting me up on IG. I’ve got trolls folks: I must be doing SOMETHING right!

Ever hear the song “Graveyard” by Halsey?

If you haven’t go stop what you’re doing and go take a listen. Seriously, my own personal biases aside for that particular song, go give it a listen. Aside from it being quite good, it actually does a pretty decent job of capturing what happens to you when you find yourself in a toxic environment. How as you fall in love with someone who is in a bad place, before long you too find yourself in a bad place. 

Sure, we so rarely actively seek out these environments. At least, that’s what we tell ourselves. Of COURSE, we’re going to avoid the people that are floundering. Of COURSE, we’re too good for that. Except, of course, we’re not. Except of course we start to rationalize. My situation is DIFFERENT. This person in my life isn’t LIKE all the others. I’m in a good enough place that I can take this. 

Spoiler alert: unless you’re actually trained to deal with those sorts of environments, you’re not. So you keep digging yourself down deeper. 

Over the past few weeks, I’ve written in a kind-of-a-sort-of-a step by step way about the basic tools and mentality needed to begin to face the world with clarity. To approach the truth in our lives with humility and acceptance to begin to break some of the more negative cycles and habits and instead begin to find fulfillment and happiness. By accepting that truth and reality are the goals over "happiness at all cost." By accepting that you can pin the blame on other people for your troubles all you want, but in the end, toxicity stems from you too. By beginning to take accountability for our leading roll in our own lives and that we control where we wind up. By grounding ourselves in the present moment, not clinging to dream of a better past or being driven to try and control the inevitable pain and turmoil of the future.

So now that you find yourself in this present moment, ask yourself: what do you see?

You don’t have to share with the class. But put aside your ego for a moment and take a real, genuine look. Don’t think about how you got where you are. Don’t worry about what comes next. For this moment, just look at where you are right now.

Look at the relationships in your life. With your friends. With your chosen partners. With your family. Which relationships bring you fulfillment? Which challenge you? Which do you derive pleasure from? Do you respect those, or do you find yourself constantly ignoring or even pushing them away because they ask you to rise up? 

And what of the negative ones in your life? Do you truly understand the effect they have on you? Is there someone who controls your life under the guise of “deep love?” Which relationships drain you? Which take advantage of you? Which just feel like a roller coaster? 

What about your actual current daily living environment? Does your job fulfill you or do you constantly feel like you’re just going through the motions? Do you feel purpose in anything you do? Are there things in your life that excite you? That scratch that itch? How does your body feel daily? What are you putting into it? How do you treat your own mind? Do you respect it or shun it? Ignore potential chemical imbalances out of a sense of pride or shame or denial? 

When we begin to tether ourselves to the present is when we begin to truly be able to acknowledge just WHAT our present moment is like and that matters. Science backs up the fact that when you find yourself in a toxic or negative environment, your brain actually begins to change. It becomes more negative to reflect and adapt to the environment around you. Whether you realize it or not, you begin to follow that person, that job, that thing that just takes over your life and fucking DRAINS you all the way to the graveyard.

That toxic girlfriend or boyfriend you have? Your brain is going to start to mirror that environment and then you too will turn just as toxic towards your friends and loved ones. Enjoy those 1 AM screaming matches you never used to have but now are just a weekly part of life.

That job that just fucking kills your soul? Yeah, it literally does that: it biologically begins to alter your mind to reflect the surrounding environment. Hope you didn’t want to find any joy in things outside of work, enjoy that mindless Netflix binging every night.

Your own mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional health is fundamental. To be the best you for both yourself and for the people around you that matter, you need to be in a place where that’s possible for yourself: there’s a reason airlines tell you to place the mask on your own face and breathe before assisting others. The first step is truly entering the present and acknowledging it for what it is. The things that work? Cultivate those things. Show gratitude towards those relationships, use them to help you find those passions, and find passion in them. Move TOWARDS those relationships that push you and challenge you and help you stay grounded in reality instead of feeding your ego with your own bullshit. Make time for the things that bring you joy and passion and the things that are entirely your own. Set boundaries around the people who drain you or unintentionally take advantage of your time and kindness, and stop feeding relationships that hurt, manipulate, abuse, and/or control you and call it love. 

By facing, acknowledging, and ultimately working to better our present we serve both ourselves and those we love. We set the stage for a better future. And we begin to heal, grow, and break the cycles we have been bound by for so long. We stop going all the way to the graveyard.

Next week we’ll be talking about the bane of my existence and the trap of so many of our lives: ego.

[the-goddesswrites]

Title: Arrangement Words: 6137 Genre: Smut Other: Callboy!shownu

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Shownu joined the business out of necessity, he had been friends with Wonho for many years but never actually considered it a viable career till he was in major debt. In fear of losing his apartment he called up his friend and asked him what were the requirements; after a week of auditions he’d been accepted as one of the few call boys who weren’t hired out for “companionship” - but more for lap dances or as a high class escort. He found that he enjoyed it after a while, even though the first week had been exhausting, sometimes working over 50 hours a week, he realized that he had skills that men and women alike both sought out.  

Shownu was highly charismatic, people enjoyed talking to him and women loved having him on their arm for the night. When it came down to the more raunchy side of the business his expectations were instantly risen - he didn’t have sex with clients who hadn’t reserved him less than five times - meaning they were extremely wealthy and wouldn’t skimp out on paying for his companionship services. To say he was a bit shallow when it came to who he slept with, was an understatement, he didn’t serve older men or older women as it just wasn’t his style. Most of his clients were between the ages of 20 to 40, and most of them were women with an itch only he could scratch.

Two years he’d been working for the escort company, and there had only been one instance where he’d needed them to take him out of a situation; and even then it hadn’t  been anything serious. Since he could handle himself in a situation where things went awry he didn’t really need the backup that the female counterparts in the business did. “Did you get the new job? I heard she’s loaded,” Changkyun spoke as he finished off his bottle of water then tossed it into the recycling bin. He knew exactly what he was talking about, apparently there was a new business tycoon who had landed the CEO position of her father’s business; she was only twenty-two years old. Younger than even himself and he had been reserved to be her escort to a large party with investors; something he was good at handling.

“I got the job, not too sure how it’s going to go though. I’ve read up on her company - she seems nice enough don’t know why she couldn’t have found a date on her own,” Shownu shrugged as he looked at him then pushed his glasses up on his nose reading over the history of the business, “Listen to this; she is the kindest and sweetest person we’ve ever met - we can only hope she can pull of being a CEO or our business is surely to fail,” he looked up at the younger man in front of him, “that doesn’t sound like someone who would need my type of help,”

Changkyun shook his head in agreement, “you’re right, but - maybe she is just not good at talking to people, she chose you, man - you’re great with people,” he snorted a little as he thought about it, “being new to a business like that has got to be exhausting, and I bet she is hoping to just get through the night alive so she doesn’t have to listen to them droning on and on. You know how those business types are, they’re boring as hell,”

Shownu couldn’t deny that, he’d been to more than his fair share of business parties, in fact too many for his liking. There had been several where he could’ve sworn he’d dozed off during a conversation but, as his job states - he never missed a beat when it came down to it. “You’re right, but still it feels weird that someone her age with her kind of assets would need our help,” he murmured lightly as he thought about it then wet his lips a little. “I’m sure she has her reasons, she’s paying me a lot so I guess I can’t complain,”

Changkyun seemed interested now, when the topic of money came up every call boy in the room would turn their heads; you didn’t join this business for the fancy parties or the lavish amounts of attention you received - it was for the money. “How much is she paying you for the night?” he asked a curious lilt to his voice as he tilted his head.

“Fourteen thousand dollars,” Shownu all but mumbles and he swore he could have heard a pen drop in the background but he didn’t bother looking up - this was his most expensive client to date. Most people only paid around five grand per night, she must really have it out for him if she was dropping this much money on a measly date - something that might not even cost twenty five hundred if the party wasn’t too taxing.

He heard the younger curse in amazement then whine, “How come you get all the good clients, it's your shoulders isn’t it? They’re broad and manly, makes you look intimidating and if you wear the glasses you look extra smart and scholarly,” he stated, but he could hear the jealousy ring out clear. There wasn’t much he could do to help the younger - who was in no financial troubles of his own, he made more than enough to sustain himself, come to terms with the situation. He had auditioned to be her date as well but she hadn’t chosen him or Wonho which had surprised everyone.

“I don’t know why she is paying me this much, it doesn’t make sense,” Shownu said with a sigh then sat back in the navy arm chair then pushed a hand through his hair before setting the papers on the table in front of him. “She must have something to prove to someone, price tag must be an incentive to do well; it’s a good thing I decided to do research isn’t it then?” he spoke with a shrug as he looked at Changkyun who was still pouting as he looked to his colleague.

The party wasn’t until Friday but he still had to meet with her and talk to her before he could even begin to prepare for the night. He’d need to know what she was wearing so he could match in a fashionable manner, he’d need to know what the party was for and how she’d like him to dress so he didn’t look anything but the part she wanted him to play. He waited at the cafe sipping his drink, he hoped she would show up soon because he didn’t have all day to spend preparing for this party.

“Shownu?” her voice was meek and quiet as she placed a hand on his shoulder. He turned and smiled at her then nodded making her sigh with relief as she sat down across from him, “I’m so relieved you’re here - your profiles said you were punctual but I was worried this was all some sort of scam,”

A small laugh passed through his lips and he shook his head, “No, this is very much real,” he assured her then pushed the other cup of coffee in front of her, “I got this for you,”

“Oh, you didn’t have to but thank you,” she said to him softly then ran a hand through her hair before pulling out a folder, “So this is all the information you asked for on the company and the event we’re going to - if you need anything else feel free to call me about it,”

He had to say he was impressed with the size of the folder but he knew he could read through it in no time - he’d learned the best way to quick read when it came to business parties. It was almost a skill he should put down on his resume but he never did. “This is great, I’ll read over this tonight, do you have your dress picked out yet?” he asked her. This was important, to play the part of a date he had to look the part - and if they matched, the more people who would assume the pair were actually together.

For a moment she looked shocked, “My dress? I was just going to wear a black one from my closet,” she told him offhandedly and suddenly he realized what he’d gotten his hands onto. This young woman hadn’t even touched her money from the company, she still dressed like she was a freshman in college and she seemed far too shy to own a business so he smiled.

“You should buy something new for the party, you want to show that you’re proud to have this job you need to look the part,” he said to her raising a brow as he looked her over, “A plum colored dress would suit you well, something fitting to your body no more than two inches from your knee.”  

Shownu had a knack for just knowing what women would look good in, perhaps he spent far too much time thinking about it because every woman who reserved him just wasn’t wearing something that flattered their body type. He remembered when he’d help a random girl out at the store once, he’d picked everything down to the type of shoes she should be wearing with the outfit; she looked stunning. “Trust me on this,” he said to her, “Tight fitting would be best, or something with a belt around the waist,”

She looked a bit unsure about what he was saying, and he wondered if she had ever worn anything to fit her position before, “Alright, I’ll take your word for it,” she spoke with a sheepish smile, “I’m not even sure how I got this job, I just graduated college with a business degree and suddenly my dad died,” she huffed looking more annoyed that he was dead than sad which was something that shocked him.  “This wasn’t the life I wanted for me, so I don’t really know what I’m doing - just following the twenty year plan my dad had set on the desk and going with it,”

It was then he understood why she hired him, he was a good listener that was on his list of traits which is obviously what she needed right now. Everyone was doubting her, and he needed to make sure her confidence didn’t plummet anymore than it already had - she’d be a whole new person by the time he was done with her, with her consent that is. He didn’t know how long they’d sat there and talked, just about nothing in particular but by the time she had to leave he had a good sense of who she was; it made him comfortable going into this arrangement.

As he walked back into the office where he usually worked when he wasn’t out with a client he could hear the chatter amongst the others in the building quiet when they saw him, “What was she like?” Changkyun asked suddenly making him jump a little.

“As expected, inexperienced in most things,” he said shaking his head before holding the folder, “I have studying to do - keep quiet, alright?”

The younger gave him a salute then continued his conversation with Hyungwon as they made their way to another room. Sometimes he wondered if this job was worth it, the long hours the women staring him down and wishing they were on his arm. Some guys might think that it would be a dream job but when all someone expected out of you was to be flawless; it got harder.

After he’d finished reading the entire packet he nodded, he knew more than enough to get him through the party. The event itself was a charity event, and it was for a fantastic cause that she’d chosen all on her own which he was excited to hear about because this would look good on her name. There would be large investors there, and he knew instantly that this was what she’d wanted him for. Shownu couldn’t blame her for wanting someone who was good with people around, it’d ease the tension, he knew just when and how to do it for that made a whole world of a difference.

The night of the party he actually found that for the first time in about a year he had sweaty palms, tonight was a big deal - not just for him but for her as well. Making a good impression could make her a repeat customer, and that wasn’t only good for him but for the escort company he worked with. He smoothed out the blazer he was wearing as he waited for her to open the door, when he saw her open the door he was floored; she looked perfect. “So you actually listened,” he spoke hiding his surprise with an amused smile and a teasing tone making her roll her eyes then smile in return.

“Turns out you were right, plum happens to be my shade; learn something new every day,” her voice had a playful tone to it as she finished fastening her earrings in then grabbed her purse, “I’m ready when you are,”

He had been so entranced by her he’d nearly forgotten why he was there, her dress was plum just like he’d told her, it curved to fit every part of her body making him nearly lose his breath. There were sleeves made of lace covering her arms, the dress didn’t touch her knees, and the black heels were the perfect touch and suddenly part of him had been wishing that he’d have been coming for the usual causing him to push the thought from his mind.

Her company was important to her, and for some reason he found that he cared what people thought of her and wanted her to succeed as the CEO. “Then we should head out now, I brought my car but we can take yours if you want to,” he offered motioning to his car. It was a basic black blazer - he’d just had it detailed so every curve of the car was clean except some minor dust that had blown onto it while he’d been driving.

“Your car is fine,” her voice sounded and she took his arm - he almost jumped but he looked down and smiled at her before walking with her to his car. It hit him as he opened the car door for her, she smelt nice like cinnamon and coffee - two of his favorite things.

“You look beautiful by the way,” he mentioned as she sat herself in the passenger seat, he felt happy about the way her cheeks flushed at the compliment and he shut the door making his way around to the driver seat. When he shut his door all he could smell was her, she was intoxicating in a way he hadn’t expected. When he started the car he turned down the radio so it was barely even playing then began to drive, “Are there people there that you’re particularly worried about?”

He saw her face screw up in concentration, then nod, “Yes, there are a couple who might try to outwit us both, there is Garth Sanders he is an investor from overseas he thinks quite a lot about himself; he was going to get the business if I turned it down,” [y/n] spoke as she looked at him then back at the road as he drove making him nod a little.

“I’ll make sure to show him up a couple times then, anyone else?” Shownu questioned, wanting nothing more than to make her feel comfortable about tonight as it was plainly obvious she was nervous. The way her eyebrows knitted together occasionally as she concentrated on keeping a placid expression, “relax, alright?” he spoke placing his hand over hers with a reassuring smile, “I’m going to make sure tonight goes just fine, you don’t have to worry,”

He saw her face relax a little and he continued to drive keeping his hand on hers smiling a little to himself when she laced her fingers with his - it was probably comforting to have a level head. He was suddenly happy she had chosen him, another good choice would have been Hyungwon but he was almost always booked; everyone else specialized in driving women wild. Kihyun was too nervous in situations like this and would most likely end up spilling the secret to his mother’s favorite recipe before talking about the charity. Shownu pulled up outside of the venue of the charity event leaving the car running as a man came around to park it for him, he was given a tag and he stuffed it into his pocket before offering her his arm.

“This is it, it’s going to go just fine,” he reminded her and she actually looked like she believed him, a wave of calm came over him as they walked into the building together. Immediately people began greeting them, She introduced him as a good friend of hers; the older woman's eyes would sparkle at the word friend and he knew they figured they were something else. Watching her interact with investors he began to even wonder why she needed his help, maybe it was a sense of security to know she had someone to fall back on. When he was asked a question he was obvious that the man expected him to fall flat on his ass, but he’d done more than enough research on this charity to do the exact opposite.

“The charity [y/n] chose is a very prestigious one, a noble cause if I ever saw one as well - giving back to those in need when you have the privilege to do so only seems right. The youth in the community are the future, they’ll be our doctors, nurses, scientists, lawyers,” he trailed off sure the guy got the idea, “ending youth homelessness is probably one of the best causes, keeping them off the streets lowers crime rates, addiction, teen pregnancy - there are far more benefits than there are downfalls,”

The way she looked at him then nearly made him stop breathing but he just flashed her his trademark smile, “I can’t think of any other way I’d spend my money, giving back to the community is pretty responsible don’t you think?” he asked him as he fixed his glasses, the quiet seemed to make him understand - these people didn’t know what the charity was for, here he was over prepared and they hadn’t even bothered to read the pamphlet as they walked through the door. For some reason this angered him, this was very noble cause, the amount of publicity alone could ease the youth homeless rate by a third - if not more.

“I agree, it is very important,” was all the older man had to say and he could do nothing but smirk to himself. He couldn’t place why but he loved when he proved his point to people, or he caught them in a lie even if it was just withholding something.

He felt her squeeze his arm, “We’re going to get something to drink,” she said and nodded her head to them respectfully but when they were a safe distance away he heard her laughter. It was pure, and unfiltered the way her head tilted back and the angelic noise reached his ears - albeit a little loud it didn’t deter the smile the curved his face.

“Did you see his face?” [y/n] spoke with excitement lacing her tone, “he looked like he was about to vomit from the amount of knowledge he didn’t have on the charity - what a dick,” her tone changed to an annoyed on and he couldn’t help but gaze down at her, she looked cute with the vindictive smirk on her lips. She looked like someone who could handle anything that came her way, and he knew that by the end of the night he would make sure she absolutely could handle anything.

Shownu leaned down so he was closer to her, “It seems like your investors have no idea why we’re here to begin with, suppose you should let them know this is a charity event - that would be kind wouldn’t it?” he said to her jokingly as he looked at her, “It’s not like you gave them a pamphlet at the door or anything,”

[Y/n] scoffed then smiled as she turned her head to look at him and her expression faltered as her eyes caught his, the way she stared at him made him suddenly realize that he wanted her more than he had a minute ago. The unsure expression on top of how she looked, and her laugh - he knew tonight was far from over, but he knew where he wanted it to end. The night to both of their surprise was going by quite quickly and the amount of money being raised was far more than either of them had expected; she had promised to match the amount with her own money, right now it looked like she was out almost one million dollars; but the smile on her face told him she wasn’t the slightest bit concerned.

He was sat next to her at a table after they had eaten their meal, he placed his hand on her knee as they spoke with another couple who had sat themselves with them. They were pleasant enough but he couldn’t get his mind off her, he felt her leg twitch when he began to move his fingertips over the skin. He smiled as he looked at her then sipped his wine, he could feel her tense under his touch as his hand moved higher up her thigh causing her hand to move to his discreetly but to his surprise she didn’t stop him more she pressed his hand firmly against her skin instead of ripping it off.

Every so often he would slide his hand a bit high and squeeze her thigh while making casual conversation with whomever happened to be sitting with them at the time, he noticed she was awful quiet and looked at her. Her cheeks were pink, from the champagne or arousal he wasn’t sure but he hoped it was the latter, her eyes moved to his and he smirked at the dark look in them - her eyes were blown darker than they had been when they arrived he knew then she wanted him as much as he wanted her. Every touch was electrifying, her own hand was now on his knee but he knew if they kept this up walking out of here was going to be embarrassing for them both.

“Are you okay, [y/n]? You look a little flushed, should I get you home?” he asked as he touched her cheek and frowned in mock concern.

The woman across the table smiled, “Oh dear, looks like she had too much to drink,” she chuckled, “Well deserved for such a hard working woman - why don’t you go ahead head home for the night, I’m sure Jinyoung doesn’t mind closing the event for you; you’ve had a long few days - go relax,”

She looked shocked for a moment then nodded a little, he removed his hand from her thigh smoothing her dress before they stood, he said his goodbyes to them then led her to the front of the building so they could retrieve his care. “If you think tonight is over - you’ve got another thing coming,” he said to her after leaning down to cup her face as they waited for his car to be brought to them, his thumbs stroked her cheeks and he pressed a soft kiss to her lips then stood straight as his car pulled up, “come on,”

Shownu opened the passenger seat door for her and shut it once she was tucked inside making his way to the other side, he tipped the valet and thanked him for parking his car carefully.  The right home was particularly quiet but whenever he glanced at her eyes were locked on her lap and her cheeks still flushed, “Do you want to do this? I didn’t mean to make it sound like you had no choice,” he spoke suddenly, he swore he saw her jump.

Before he knew it she was stumbling over her words then groaning, “I want it to happen, I just. This wasn’t part of … they said you didn’t do this - not that I was going to get it, but now -”

He held a hand up and chuckled; she was nervous. Again the girl from the cafe was back and he liked hearing her ramble but more than anything he just wanted her to be calm with him, there was nothing to be scared of with him. “We can take this as slow as you want,” he said to her as he pulled up to house, “we don’t even have to do anything if you don’t want to but I very much want to,”

Admitting that to her took a surprising amount of strength and the shocked look on her face told him everything he needed to know; she was insecure in her looks, her job, and everything about herself - he’d put an end to that tonight even if it were the last time her saw her. He climbed out of the car making his way to her side but she’d managed to get out already, and he walked with her to the front door. Fumbling with her keys she managed to unlock the door pushing her way inside, and he followed closely behind her. Shutting the door behind them Shownu gripped her waist pulling her back flush against his chest, his breath his her neck forcing her to shiver at the warmth.

He couldn’t recall one time in his career where he’d been as eager to be with a client as he was right now, in reality he knew this wasn’t even part of the package deal she’d paid for. Normally clients would have to be a returning customer in order to have this kind of intimacy with him, but for some reason he couldn’t take his mind off how he wanted to run his fingers and mouth over every inch of her body. Shownu felt her hands be placed over his own as she leaned back into his body, his lips placed small kissed over the exposed skin of her neck his tongue tasted her skin as he went. He moved his hands to the zipper on her dress, “When I saw you open the door… I hoped you’d just want to skip the event, but it makes this so much more worth it,” he groaned as he pulled it down the smooth flesh of her back becoming exposed to him. He ran his fingers over the skin then leaned down to press his mouth over it, nipping, licking and touching every piece of skin he could get a hold of.

“Enough talking,” she whispered softly, her voice was soft - he almost hadn’t heard her at first. She turned around and from his position he had to look up at her, “Take me to my room,” it sounded like a demand, so he picked her up wrapping her legs around his waist following her directions then tossing her on the bed. He pulled off his blazer then loosened his tie, “C’mere,” she beckoned him with the curve of her finger, a wild look in her eyes; one he’d been dying to see since he’d he laid his eyes on her. He pulled the tie off and tossed it to the floor making his way over to the bed bringing his body over hers that was clad in classic white bra and underwear. His lips captured hers as he held himself over her, laying her back onto the plush comforter his hands coming to her hair so he pulls it out of the braid that she’d had it in. The kiss was passionate and slow, which was how he anticipated on making their night together. He wasn’t like Changkyun or Wonho who had rushed multiple sessions with several orgasms back to back - he was going to make sure he took his time, driving her to the edge more than once before letting her have her release.

He found himself fighting the urge to just take her, something he’d never felt with anyone else - his hands were all over her exposed skin, when he pulled his lips away from hers he took in her disheveled appearance. Her lips were red from the force of his kiss, and her eyes glazed over with a look of desire - need embedded deep within her. He removed her bra easily when she arched her back, his mouth attached to her neck trailing wet kisses to her breasts his hands still on either side of her as his tongue teased over the peaks of her nipples. Using one hand he teased the opposite side procuring moans from her that made his cock strain against his pants, he nibbled on the sensitive flesh his lips moving slowly down her body - dotting pink marks down her navel.

“Shownu,” her voice was breathless and he closed his eyes at the sound it was music to his ears. On his knees in front of her he pushed her thighs apart, and he was pleased that he could see just how much she wanted this, he hooked his fingers on the sides of her panties dragging them down her legs. “You don’t -,” she trailed off when he looked up at her.

“I don’t what?” he asked softly as he placed a kiss to each of her hips, his eyes never leaving hers, “I want to, may I?” as if the question had sent her to cloud nine she laid back on the bed with her eyes closed - that was all the answer he needed, he placed her legs over his shoulders then began slow. He didn’t know when the last time she’d been with anyone was, he knew that if he did things right he could bring her to the edge like this and then push her over in a matter of an hour. His tongue ran over her heat, her body jolted slightly and he started slow, placing small kisses over her folds before using his fingers to open her to him. He used his tongue over her, working it around her sensitive bundle of nerves not wanting to get right to the point, and after five minutes he could tell she was getting impatient. Bringing the nub into his mouth her moans echoed off the walls - he’d never felt this turned on simply by going down on a woman; he’d never want to do this with anyone else at this rate - she was going to ruin him.

When heard her breaths coming in gasps and her moans increasing in frequency and sound - her thighs were trembling and he knew she was close. Pulling his mouth away he began to insert one finger inside of her. A low moan escaped them both and he licked his lips as he watched her face, he started slow - preparing her for what was to come. The last thing he needed was to accidentally hurt her, Shownu wasn’t massive by any means but he was above average in that department that people seemed to think mattered most.

“Please don’t tease,” her voice whispered, her body shook and he pulled away all contact then brought his lips to hers. Suddenly she was pulling at his button up shirt, “you’re overdressed,” she told him and he shrugged it off letting it fall to the bed. He pulled off the tank top that he’d wore under it. Her hands were frantically working on his belt, and he never once removed his lips from hers - keeping the kiss at a even slower pace than before. It was harder than he had anticipated to keep his hands in one spot, he heart his belt his the wood of her floor, and he groaned into her mouth when she palmed over his erection confined by his pants.

Her eyes lit up at the sound, “We should take these off,” she murmured unbuttoning his pants, it didn’t take long for him to kick them off leaving her naked under him only clothed in his boxers. Again her hand rubbed over the bulge making his eyes roll back into his head, he was painfully hard - he was sure he wouldn’t take long with how things were going at this rate. Shownu didn’t waste any time removing his boxers, she looked down and he saw her smile a little gripping him in her hand stroking slowly. His head fell onto her shoulder, his hips thrusting forward into her hand.

“Won’t last long if you keep it up,” his voice was rough, and he looked at her, “do you have condoms?”

[Y/N] nodded then reached over to the nightstand - he always found it convenient when they had them there he had to be honest - he would have done this without one but only for her. He watched her rip it open then he sat up, she did the same and rolled the latex onto his length - he nearly whined at the contact he brought her mouth to his to distract himself as he laid her back down. Her hands were everywhere, down his sides, his back - grabbing at his ass as she whined for him to take her. The sounds coming from her as he kissed her were everything he wanted to hear, he lifted her legs up onto his waist as he positioned himself against her.

“I’ll go slow,” he murmured against her lips, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt her - but she was wet enough that she might not even notice how big he was. He pressed himself in slowly, he heard her gasp breaking the kiss he watched her face for any sign of pain as he eased himself inside of her. A low moan erupted from him as he felt her around him, she tapped his arms encouraging him to move - her hips rocking under his for some kind of relief. He pulled back slowly and pushed back moans falling from both their lips; it felt like forever but he knew neither of them could have lasted that long. Both teetering on the edge of release it was almost painful to keep going he began to pick up his pace thrusting harder into her forcing the bed to creak under the pressure.

Her moans were almost nonexistent now but her face was screwed up in pleasure and the consistent “don’t stops” were all the assurance he needed as he buried himself into her repeatedly, suddenly he felt it the tiny quakes beginning inside of her. Then they were pulsating around his length, taking him for all he was worth he began to thrust harder into her racing for his release sweat forming on his forehead as he brought his mouth to hers swallowing the moans the came from her. When he came it was nothing like what he’d felt before, for the first time in years he felt as if he might pass out from exertion, he lazily thrust until he was satisfied pressing small kisses to her face.

A giggle came from her making him smile a little as he rolled onto his back then drew her into his arms, “Are you okay?” he asked softly as he stroked her hair gently, she looked at him incredulously.

“I’m fantastic,” [y/n] spoke with a smile then brought his lips back to hers gently, he could tell she’d want more but he was spent - he’d make it up to her in the morning. He’d never been so exhausted after sex before, the more he looked at her the more he wished he didn’t have to leave in the morning, to go back to reality; this wasn’t a relationship as much as he wished it was - as much as he wished she could be his.  

As he looked at her he decided on a chance, “can I see you again? Outside of this...arrangement?” his voice was quiet, he didn’t know how she’d react. He assumed she’d just hired him for his body and his scholarly appearance not for any kind of substantial relationship.

“I’d like that.. Yeah,” her voice was quiet a tint of pink still on her lips as she relished in the afterglow of her orgasm, he brought her lips to his again savoring what tasted like a real future.