#//the point is he has another icat now

[mechahero]

//I'm saying it now before I forget. Some way, somehow, Lambda got his hands on and is in possession of the robot costume i-Cat from Burger King in 2008.

[throwingideasatthewall]

Star Wars   Episode 4;

    Destroy malevolence

Didn’t we just do that?

I’m assuming this is going to be focusing on the     aftermath of the        destruction       of  the        malevolence

And the preceding unraveling of       general grievous’s      net work

 [And several        acquaintances         probably          trying           to    break    him  out,]

Anyway...

On with          It!

       Quote;

  “A Plan is only as good         as those          who see it out,”

   Odd                 I’ve      Stopped      giving much stock        into the    quotes

 Consider ing     the last one     had a relatively good      one

 And     Is on the    lower     end    of     my     expectations

 My criticism       of this       Is a       Short    Plans can be good         But   People flawed

  The   narrator   sounds     a    bit    more   enthusiastic

 Weirdly      drawn     out      pause

But      it   does     get     the      point   across

 Allows   enough     time

“ Grievous          in       retreat,”              Honestly           Is        this       where       we’re      going        to       start

    Like       no      disrespect-         (I have the       patience)    But are we honestly going to spend the whole entire time watching Obi-Wan fuck up catching Grievous?

 That would work       with the theme         of       Jedi Masters

They make it seem a lot less   stupid

[Recap

 Also        I really like the movement on the     ship

Much     more     real istic 

       Continuing to          Hold on it       not so much

  This is like         someone     continuously          kicking        someone         when they’re         already         down

Or like a fire

 After a while      it just gets sort of    boring

 Or worrying

 And you realize they could  just     take them   into custody

 Or that the fire is starting to     envelope   nearby    forest     With       everyone      having         a bucket of     water

Obi wan, why

 Do     you   torment    so?

He can’t even   die

If so;      He’d     be dead

 I love how       Plo Koon       and       him       are          just    watching      the      shit     show      like            “Bitch”

   You know they could both take         him

  But are just that dedicated to being   sandry old man

“Commander, how much damage to the      enemy ship?”

 Have they suffered    enough?

  Also, geez dude’s been demoted it to       commander

    I mean I know he’s just       Comms Guy              But geez.         (He probably       deserved it)

Oh no,        Random     dude          On          The       ground

    Why?

 “ She’s lost primary       shields and stabilizers,”

   So shooting at it is doing      minimal damage

             “ It can take all the fire               our cannons                  can manage,”

           Okay,                    time to get you two                down there

           “ we must     summon            reinforcements,”

     Plo is slowly becoming that we          “need reinforcements”            guy

      Like          he can’t do anything           by himself

       (Except           for last           episode)

     “ That’s why          I’m here        Master Plo,”

  That’s not the right       tone

   And.....          I was kind of hoping we’d get a        Master Plo and        Obi-Wan episode

   This time       around

   Never mind the fact that         Anakin can’t take on grievous

   “ what are you able to contact              Master               (Liam Niara)                   (That’s how voice text spells it)                (I have no idea)

        “ Yes, master,”

       That’s better

    “She’s busy with a bunch of separatist         reinforcement’s nearby,”

   Bit too much     eye movement       but otherwise      good

  “ she won’t       be able to give us support till she’s turn        ing them away,”

Meanwhile         you’ve already pretty much      kill ed         him

    Guess            just         play        poker?

   Then        we’ll  have to do with what we have

   Oh now with the teenager around you’re so brave

  How’s        that going to help?

Burning

On fire

Really, no   mercy

Poor     droid     jerking   around

Ex     ploding

Perfect balance of kar       mic   pay       back

“We’ve      lost      our    primary       weapon,”

  Shit     just     continues    to                get       worse      and      worse

General     grievous      is        just              there        with his hands       in his head

Not        looking       too    great

“ The hyper drive is dis   -abled,”

It’s been disabled since last episode but good     repeating

Good      to         re-iterate

“Argh,”

“ General       general,”

   The     forward   engines        are     shutting     down

“ im   poss     ible,”

Dude,     look         around

That’s   pretty        -         heavy         denial

You     should     just     sur       -render

More Sho              -oting

 This        is       going         to         be        a         sl   -ow       ep      i      sode

Ahsoka       Managing       systems

   A not    bad role       for her

 Certain-

“ Admiral            Status-        Re        port,”

    Shit’s         fucked        once        again

    They’re           hyperdrive         must       ��be       damaged

    What          you         didn’t         figure          out           the           first          time          will        Obi          won         must’ve         checked

   Compulsively             For the         170th time           in the last           hour

     “This            our          chance”

It wasn’t a few seconds ago?

     “all         ships        target       the      bridge     maximum         fire        power,”

   Dude,        what       do       you      think      that’ll        do

 Grievous         is      made          out        of      pure        titanium

   It’s       like..          a      slightly         long       fall           for      him..

 Generals..     really     don’t    wanna     deal     with   Grievous’s      shit     today

Episode is     22:40      Long       Left

 All     they’re     doing       is     shooting    at     him

Grievous     Called      Dooku

“Dad      I       crashed       the     car,”

Sustained     advanced   damage

 “ I know,”

Just     dead   panned

“ I have     arranged         a       trap,”

Oohh!     Interesting

  But     Also        completely        bullshit

   Guess       this            is           his       punishment

  Being       used        as        bait

  “To     give     you      an     advantage    over       the   Jedi,”

 “ I   assure   you,”

 Please       no

You’re not compound     your failure     this day,”

 Ah, there’s       the chewing out     I was looking for

 Perfect

Continue

 “ war       ship        to       fall,”

 Oh so it wasn’t going to be a - get them sent to prison- thing

 So     how are you planning to       unfuck                 the situation

Cause      this looks pretty bad

  They will never catch me or this ship

             Bless him               he’s trying

              The expression just says                 ‘I have no idea               how’

           Like              He            knows           what’s          expected            of          him          but         has         no          idea

    How?!

   Heading       towards          you         is          a        very      important      galactic        senat        or,”

   In the middle of a       war zone

Seriously       not        a     good       time      for         a   photo     op

 “ With      her         as        a      hostage,”

  “call       off       the      attack,”

  Ok no one is calling off an      attack this important      for        a   senator

  Nor     should      be    letting      her        get    captured         ....

 *Bowing    down*

*Assumed authority*

 Blue

 It   looks   remarkably    better     this     episode             👍     Also        of        course        it’s      Padme        Amidala     Couldn’t        be        any      of      the    4000     other    senators       we     know     nothing      about              

   Really           getting       into         the      love     triangle      stuff      right        away,           aren’t         we?

  Like       why   couldn’t      we     slow     burn        it

 (I   know    she    was       in    the   movie)     But

  I     wouldn’t         mind    “Are   you       sure   the     infor   mation      from     the     chan cellor     Palpatine       is   reliable?”

Fore     shadowing!

Good    job     authors       you       get      a   cookie

“ it was secretly given to him         by the leader of the     Bank-he Clan,        himself!”

 Okay        Amidala’s          tone      kinda      works

 Could      use       a       little       more   monotone     but      it   works

   I gave Anakin like      three   tries       so       I’m     not   gonna       be    too     harsh

There        is       still       time      for      the     minimal     improve      ment        it      needs

“ if they       leave     the   separatist     alliance     it     will    go     along      way       to   shortening   this   war,”

Er-     Okay      it   makes   sense   for     her   character

 She’s sup   posed      to be   around      the same       age      as   Anakin

“Beep,       Beep,”

 “ We’re     approaching       the     system       now,”

  “Oh     shit,”

Crud

 “ my   goodness,”

  Best      Droid

 “This        isn’t        right,”

   Then        Move!

   That’s          a       droid     warship

    “We’re          in         the       middle          of          a       battle!”

   Hey,        that’s          a        smart      character

   Hyper drive out of there

  “ we’re scanning         a small ship off         our bow,”

     Get out of        there   “ Good,”

 Yeah, how are you going to get     her?

 Seeing as how  like a million warships are belting     your bow?

  I know those must be like       raindrops to him

But     come on

Don’t      go    into    the    burn     -ing      wreckage

   And       towards      enemy        fire

 Then   again     she     was     probably    heading     towards      the     Jedi        ship

   So     (as       a   civilian)       that       makes          sense

   “Master          I’m        picking           up            a         signal          near           the         enemy        vessel,”

   Tone

    Enemy     reinforcements

   That’s-            A         Good          Call

Respectively

 “ it looks like-”

 “A Naboo ship”

  “Gunners        stand         day,”

     Hey      everyone’s     competent         today!

      (Not          that         there’s           anything         wrong          with          enablers           being           stupid)

       This          just           requires          more          brain       power

   “ what          in      Blazers        are       they      doing      out     here?”

   A valid     response

  But      weren’t       they         the       ones        that        pledged        transport        ships?

  Like      oh      yeah      stupid going out into a war zone

   But     not      completely      out of the question

 “ Ahsoka      contact         that ship,”

  Bit      too      much      energy

    But       still         resp        ect           able

     Literally          coming        from        fiery        hell

     Identify        yourself

  “Padme       what        are       you       doing      out     here,”

  Cringe

   That line sounds like boomer.        What boomers think high school      jocks sound like

   And we’re like  no

  “ I       was       sent      on         a    special    mission,”

  Good      job     Writers

  The        ‘Bang he         Klan        Wanted        to negotiate        a treaty

   Good      reason

   “Get       out        of      there,”

  Too        Force        ful

   Better        Idea;        Have     Obi-Wan         try         to         calmly      explain         the         situation            to           her

      Possibly       distracting          her for        general       grievous           to       kidnap

   “ Activate              the         tractor         beam,”

     Damn        we’re       going        back         to  old old sci        Fi- with tractor beams and       shit

     I was expecting like a hook and chain,     a harpoon

   Was not expecting   that

     That        made        me         laugh

   WTF

   Tell      them        some     nonsense        is        going         on!

   “i’m     afraid       it’s        much     worse      than      that,”    Gunners          Do        Something?!

   it’s a beam; it can be broken

  “ Padme what’s happening?”

  A go- decent response

   “ i’m         being         pulled         inside        the      droid      cruiser        by        a      tractor      beam,”

   Good     Commun        ication

  Whelp,        Done

   So       at      22: 40           Rest       of        the     episode         is   hostage     situ      ation?

Inter      es    ting

 Much      Better      Than         Just      Shooting        at        it       for        an      hour

    “I will not be made a separatist bargaining      chip,”

    Initiative

    Though           Less          Emo        -tion

    Should           be       recited        like       something       she       had        to      read        off        a   paper

Guessing I’m not Padme I’m Padme’s    handmaiden  thing only works     once

Continue       your    attack

 You     must   continue-

I hope     she get some   actual action

Nothing too intense       because she’s still a kid

But like a surprise attack on     General grievous

Destroy     this   monstrous   ship

That’s kind     of      like-

How-

I saw the next frame

Wtf-

WTF

  HIS FACE JUST-

CON-torts

    You are not Romeo and Juliet   movie

    You are two kids reinacting Romeo and Juliet              clumsy

   Get it right

  “Admiral,     order      our   ships     to   stop     firing,”

 No   one’s   gonna    stop     this

 No   one‘s   gonna   comment...

Okay....

Obi-Wan      And        Plo   Koon          are        just     gone

  Left      when      Anakin      started       acting    unchild like

   Never     mind      still       there

 Nothing   suspicious      *Rubs    beard*

 Whelp

   It     does      not     look       safe       out     there      my     lady

  Screw      with      the     tractor      beam      and       leave

  No      one    can     stop   you

Droid     Related

 “I      see     now   this   whole   thing   was     a   trap,”

The     Bang’he       Clan     Works      With           The-

    I       can’t     even     make     that         joke   because       the   bang’he      clan      are   working      with       the     separatists

  Good    writers       you       out     joked      me

“ we   walked    right    into     it,”

 Pressing     buttons       isn’t   going       to   help   lady

Sir  the     republic   cruisers     have     halted    their   attack

Bit   too   much   emotion      for     a     droid     but    it   works

“Jedi     are     so   predictable,”

  Hit       him       with          a      gun

   Get        the      repair       team      up     here

  “ i’m     going     down      to       the   main   hanger,”

The arm motion was a little weird...     for ‘I’m going down to the main     hanger’

 Street    Railways?

Are we   getting *tour    the inside of the    ship??

Nice

This     ship   must     be   returned      to   Count     Dooku     intact

Nice   little   interaction

Rail      ways

There’s     no   room     for   failure

Hard       Moral

One      on   fast   speed    ing   train

Moves       over       to   another   pad

   Don’t     think     that’s   gonna   help

“Come        on     I’ve   over       loaded     the   power     system,”

 THAT’S        actually      really      clever

   Good          job     whoever        gave         that        order

    General      grievous        goes          boom

    Fighter        door       opens

    Find            a       Fighter

    And        fly        out

   * Anakin        walks          away*

       You know this would be a good idea if Obi-Wan had ordered him to do so when feeling the emotion of ‘love’, miscommunicating the concept of love, and didn’t realize that’s what he was doing -  what clues him      in

“ where do you think you’re going,”

 “ someone’s got to save     her,”

    Still too much emotion

   “I thought you might say     that,”

     Did you give him that, did you give him an        order relevant to that?

     There he goes   again

     Yeah           Someone        should         really        check         up        on       that

     Or       get    Obi-Wan         to        lay off           the       suicidal      orders

  “Craving     adventures        and     excitement,”

     No,      orders

   “ You        get         used           to         it”

Could      be     just       a     response

  But     too     much    reaction        And      Person         ality

   Oh,          Shit’s        On          Fire

   “Come on 3PO hurry,”

     Flaming wreck lady

    “not sure this is such a good       idea,”

   Neither     is       being       held      captive

   You’re made of like solid gold

 Timing

  [also the announce in the background        like a train station - just cracks me up]

  Time to get blown up

   “ Mind the gap”

   “Mind the gap”

      Haha

     You        two       come       with       me

 Command

That droid’s-

 No, wait-         It’s Amidala

   And C3PO

  He’s trying to      help

   Looks       Inside

  Beeping

   Timer

   Look     like        the   engine-         Are           Set           To -

    Timing

   “Destroy          themselves,”

     He        really        needed        them         to        say           that

   Get      out       of      my     way

 “Ow,”          You        don’t      want          to       die

   That’s         just           rude

    So         is     death

   You    should       get       out        of        there

    He’s        going               to       come         back        around

   Geez

   Fire squad         is a train         wreck

    They’re          Trying

      Crud      if this gets back to      Skywalker          and        he      thinks       she’s      dead

  After        That     Speech

  Who knows what toxic morals of love         Obi-Wan taught him         could activate

  This could       become     a train      wreck

 Ahhh!

 It got      worse

Seriously       who made the droids that have to        with      stand       high    water pressure          Light weights

   Oof

  Even high water pressure        cannot kill him

  Even running away      cannot save him

 Wonder     what that attack       would’ve done

 Sound the alarm

 “We have stowaways,”

   Or...

   She was never on that   ship

   Seriously      no one besides the republic      saw her 

I’d go with “she isn’t on board,”

   Run

Back     to the        republic ships

   Who are doing       nothing         while grievous rebuilds

    Like,         The medical station is   right there

    You might want to get back       on moving     them

Just Saying

  “ i’ve trusted you already formulated a brilliant   plan to     rescue     the      Senator,”

 “ as a matter of fact     I have,”

 Umm,

Weird        How to     Code     that

“ what do you have a Plan B               Every     good plan has a back up,”

  Stop        forcing his    dependence on you

 “ I don’t   have a back up   yet,”

  Too     much    emotion

 Really

 Questioning

Not really   helping his   self-esteem

Really “ we’ll sneak behind them and dock at the emergency air     lock,”

   So I’m guessing this is going to set up     Padme     going       there

“ That’s       your        plan?”         Discouraging

“Fly     land,”

That’s literally what all maneuvers     rely on

Also     it       sounds       like   something     out      of       a     fairy     book

  Which        might        explain      Anakin      toxic      behavior

  “ Walk        in         the        door,”

 “Basically,”

    Too      much       emotion

  “Oh     Brilliant,”

  Dick

 Firey       Wreck

 “ Might I suggest we keep     moving?”

   Bit       Loud         There            It

   “ I think        I hear      battle droids   approaching,”

  Talking         is      not     helping

 “But      we also need to contact         the fleet,”

     Getting out is the prerogative

      They don’t know where you are

       And you can’t stay in a constant       location

       If I can just keep this        com panel working

     Ahhh!

Well     just      disappeared

 “The Damage to the hyper drive       was not as bad as        we first        thought,”

   How?!

  It’s been     damaged     for about    two episodes

 Also, Good for    Her

“ We’ll be able to get underway again shortly,”

  With this   mess of a ship

   Hyperdrive would send half of it flying

   It’s barely holding together by a      string

   You’re     screwed

 I must inform count     Dooku

 Seems     oddly    suspic.

Continue the search

 Find the     stowaway 

  How does    that change anything      in Amidala’s eyes

 Getting     to know the boss     isn’t worth it

Just be more careful

  Roger, roger

  Commander

 Intimidating

  *Spark*

  Oh        She       Was          In          A        Cabinet

   Thought         she       made           it        in

  C3PO        Looks      creepy       in      one     frame

   Shit’s        Constantly          on         fire

    “If they spot us        we’ll be pulverized,”

     With what guns??

     You’ve been doing all the hitting           this entire time

     They’ve been sitting         Geese

     “They’re            too           busy repairing the ship,”

       Thank you

       [also Obi-Wan              complainers rules]

       “ They             don’t                   have              time                to             notice              us,”

         Cocky

        Subtlety               has            never            been             one              of             your            strong             points             Anakin

Neither        Yours            Person           who           orders            him!

“ Everything       I     know       I      learned     from        you     master,”

  Point       Yes      Attitude?     No

   Oh       if      only      that      was      true

  Should            Be

   Might         be          a              side           jab              at           how           he          took          orders           from            the        Chancellor

     There          we          go

     Only      Obi-Wan        was          worried

  “Didn’t         You         Hear       It,”

    Your        circuits          are       loose

    Or       maybe       you’ve       lost       your   hearing

From        the   impact

 “ No      one’s        crazy      enough           to        do         that,”

    Cut

  “Anakin”

   Perfect

 “You’re        Crazy,”

   You   groomed      him      this      way

“ spinning           is          not       flying”

    “But          it’s          a      good      trick,”

   Too     much   emotion

   Do      not     want       to       be        spotted

   Good       job

   You’re      standing        more        in              the       doorway         than         he          is

    “I knew it it’s them,”

     That droid       is just having a day

      Aww              But his        friend came down           to check           with him

    That’s adorable

    Oh no

   They’re backing off       peacefully

 ASSHOLES!

Obi-wan     specifically

   You stay here           R2

  Again     why did you bring him

  Another        bold strategy by -

     Say Skywalker

     ‘Skywalker’

      Ordered

     “I presume,”

    No, Obi-Wan’s 

 When it’s not Palpatine’s

    “That’s my master”

           Children               don’t                show          preference                  for            handlers

      “ once they rescue the Senator we will need to reinforcement to finish off the enemy

    Sounds nonsense           but OK

          Dude             really              Likes         enforcement’s                 “ i’m on my way,”

       “Master Plo”

  “ We’re receiving a transmission,”

    Padme

Weird distance to start a conversation at

Running for some reason

 “ Master          we found the     senator,”

   Good

“ We’re patching       Her through,”

 Helpful...?

  What       is       it       with    Skywalker      and   becoming         a     Barking        over-   animated     Puppet      Every      time     senator       Amidala      gets     involved            ?

“Anakin       where       are       you,”

   Better;        where        are      your    coordinates

    “ On       lower      levels,”

   Better       but      where

   “I don’t          know,”

    Give a better location

     For how long

     Problem with this whole plan

      Give Landmarks

      Get to the     rendezvous point

     “Obi won and I are on board too,”

     Better; get to the ship on level ____ on your ___ side                 Optional; Closest landmark ____

             We’ll meet you   there

           What what are you doing?

           Not the best point to      argue

       Ahsoka, how can we get to the senator

     Better how can we both get to the escape pad?

    In case   we both get separated

    Taking longer to coordinate       that complicated-

    How long till they get separated?

    Center of the ship

Half way between the two of you

 Neither      Ahsoka gave neither

   Bad instructions

“ we’re on our way

    To a very unspecified point on not   specified level at a not specified   time

Let     the hijinks   commence

 “ Did                    you hear that                                    Padme?”

You’re on the same com

 “ i’ll be there,”

   Some-how

The question    to my answer was       22:40

  When do the Hijinks begin?

   Let’s             See

Marching      Intimidated 

  “we just detected        An unauthorized communication          Coming from within the        ship,”

    Shouldn’t he be making a phone      call?

  “ what did it           say?”

  Interesting

Well      we don’t know

 That’s how encoding works

 We didn’t catch it in   time

 Off

 Droid     winces

Monitor     all internal     communications

Like they’ll do it again

I want   that senator    on this bridge

Good   luck with that

You haven’t   even   saw her

Rail-ways

Nice

Busy

Should be a cakewalk

Is Not a cakewalk

All the way up there

“I do not see her,”

 Yeah, that’s the problem-

 She’s here master

I sent it

Or you got the wrong port

(So you heard her voice     so she’s clearly somewhere on this ship)

 He’s probably late again

But we do have company of another sort

Oh        She has a gun

  And somehow none of that hits     her

   And of course that gets the attention

    I’m honestly glad they didn’t go with miscommunication          Causes        fake stand up         scenario

      Even if this is         faux       Romeo and Juliet

     Good job

    Lots of       jumping

    Look     Jedi

    Good job         nice guy

    No wait         That one       guy had     common sense

   “I knew that was a bad idea,”

    Mercy

    That you didn’t show on the other      guys

    Who       were far more hesitant

     And you took out that    one guy

    Who didn’t do   anything

     Just wasn’t as  vocal

     Dicks

    Jump The peashooter      isn’t doing the job?

   Jump

 He tried

  Power      Thrust

  Ana       kin

“ There.      they          are!”

    Bull         shit

  No way     

he saw those guys

 On all those     Packages

 Also       ‘the i knew     It was      a bad     Idea     Guy       Got     New     Friends

“Fire!”

Fuck

The   bridge     is     out

“Jump     to me,”

 Try       it   with     a     little    bit     more         disinterest

“ I’ll use the force”

Even she realizes it’s not that     intense

  “ You have to trust me,”

    Good Luck

  OMG

 It looks like     she just      falls

Also Obi-wan’s in the back   like     it’s none of my business

Like dude came on a rescue mission      And     has become completely useless     never helped   once     Complained  the whole way   there

Manages

“Got you,”

“ NICE    CATCH,”     Obi  -Wan from the sidelines

    10/10        Hilarious

“ I’ll fetch the droid,”

   What??

       No

This          isn’t                   cute

     Disgusting

“Oh the things you do to get me alone,”

   KIDS don’t-

    Ack-

Please      no     more     smoopy-

nope

I’m     putting   it in     the    “bad”    corner      Till       it   stops   trying     to     ship   children

  Bad    Movie

 That’s          Not     Cute

Obi-wan             Sucks

   Can’t      even      levitate        A       Droid

  “Stop         me       please”

    Poor        Droid

    Blast          You’re            Weak

     “ That’s           not           good”

         Yeah             you’re               weak

          “Anakin               I got            separated                from                your                  droid,”                  Thank                   God

                 I’ll                   take                  care                    of                      it

             Better                             “ We’ll                   meet                      you                      back                        at                     the                    Twilight”?

                 “ I                overheard                 grievous,”

            Annnnnd

     “ They’re hyper-drive             is nearly fixed,”

       Soooo, He better get you back to the      ship so we can start blasting it with Cannon balls again?

“ i’m already headed in that direction,”

  Soooooo, don’t do it, Obi-wan?

  Or have Anakin and take the extremely important senator       And come back for you later?

  “ i’ll make sure the   hyperdrive stays off line,”

  By shooting it with more cannon-balls?

Ha ha Ha ha ha

  We’ll see about that

 What?!        Person who can do nothing!

 Like seriously if they just go back to the ship-

  That Jedi

“I’m getting you out of here,”

  Good decisions

 “I need you to help me find 3PO,”

 How?

“ I know I know     he does,”

 Padme’s        expression

“And       i’ll be there     soon,”

  That’s        almost       adorable

       Oh          like          that

‘Someone stop this contraption,”

Careful        Words

  Yeet

There        We          Go

  Into      those      boxes

“ I       suppose             I did ask for that,”

Ha-he

   That got a small giggle   out of me

 Stomping

  Bait

Murderous        Intent

 Get        Fucked        Obi   Wan

Really    rolling out all the stops

Hahaha

 “ Hello there,”

 [Took a pause.   a long break]

  General Kenobi

“ kill him,”

Straight.       To.     The.       Point.

More in line with the characterization we’ve seen up so far, not that much for conversation

Dude’s       just rolling

 There        went the others

 Bowling    pins            they          are

Oh     grievous   has     a     gun

And   hiding behind the enemy

Thought     he sent     both those     guys flying

Apparently     I was wrong

Must’ve        Been        a       Third

 Ha

Didn’t     Work

Yeet

That    poor      Droid...

 Spark*

  That        was        impressive

    Nah      he        ran      around      things

It really set up your forces for a     brawl among       them selves

“Argh,”

Dude,   how   insecure

“ Guard         the         hyperdrive,”

Oh     yeah       he      did      shit        to         it

  Also   sending     basic       level      mooks        to     deal     with        it

Shooting         Things

 Again       how      did   Anakin         and   Padme     end      up     in      the    situation?

 They      were      at      the     train    station      last

  Now         they’re         at??

 And       have      agroed         every       enemy

  Who      should       be     focusing       on    Obi-Wan   because 

  That        was        their     last        order

   Grievous      has      just         completely       ignored       Anakin

 Hiding

 You          aggroed              Them!

  Why      are        you      calling       Obi -Wan

“Come in     Obi-wan,” 

 Get     her     to       the shuttle

“ i’m afraid     grievous     is onto     us,”

“We      noticed,”

 Hey   you guys Aggroed those guys completely on your own     don’t blame Grievous   for this

“Ack,”

Those      are      Tanks

 You’re  peashooter     isn’t going       to       do       much

 Also,          Anakin      shouldn’t     be     able       to      take     them   either

This           should       be        a     properly     terrifying     moment

“ We’ll           meet      you     back        on       the     twilight,”

Good     plan

“Obi-   Wan!”

Writers      don’t     screw       this        up

 “Come     In,”

 His   communicuff     clearly    got   damaged

What’s      wrong?!

 They’re       jamming      all     communication

No again   it’s far more likely that his       communicuff        Got     Damaged     (Especially   with      Grievous      listening        in,”

Not everything is     jammed communi         cations               Yeet, yeet         Yeet

That     should    not     work Those        are     tanks

Anakin   is        a     lightweight

His skill set is     unspecified

But     he shouldn’t  be able to cut more than     butter with that knife

Light wieght     clankers     should   pose    a   challenge

Due   to   the   amount   of   energy

  “That    might      buy         us      some         time

   Unlikely

   I       suppose         you        have          a        plan      Yeah,          Get           to            the         escape         pad

     Follow            Me

    ...To          the          escape           pod

      C3PO             I do believe           I’m lost

       Seriously            you           haven’t           found              this             guy

       Enemy          Territory

       And           all            alone

       You’re         a           service            droid

         Probably             wouldn’t              notice              anything

             “Ah,”

             Dude, they’d probably just adopt       you into the clan

            “ I surrender,”

               Again I really want to see the C3PO and battle droids     conversation

               (When not aware of the other side)

 It’s      a projector...          R2 D2

    “ you are a sight for    old eyes,”

      A nice   interaction

“ Master     Anakin         sent       you          to       find        me,”

  “ what        kept           you        then?”

     He      does         have         a       point

    Dude     got   thrown      off      the     train    about      an     hour     ago

R2′s      just been messing with him

“ follow me,”

“ The general        is demanding     a        status report,”

Oh some driod on droid    interactions    (without   the    general)

 Nice

Is    the    hyperdrive   re-paired         Yet

  From     there?

“ i’ll     give     him     the   good   news,”

This   isn’t   the       escape     pad

Did   you   take   a   wrong    detour?

Also    no   one   guarding   the   super   important    one   panel   repair

Just       Light weight    clankers

   Also that’s not   good news

  (Especially considering       it’s one panel)

   Surprised     this goes      so well

Also;      now     there’s      tanks

  Surprised you think that peashooter can do anything   ma’am

   Like seriously   should’ve grabbed a bigger gun

  The   droids     have     some

  And      you can’t tell me       there       hasn’t been artillery     laying around    this     entire       time

   Yeet

  That almost-      Turned into murder                 This is why not going to the escape pods      immediately    was       a      bad      idea

  Again          this       should        be         a      stressful        fight

But turning your child soldier       Into an all powerful      can never lose       child soldier

 Is bullshit       movie

 Opened   Door

  “Ever since I’ve known you       you’ve been playing       with droids,”

  Ack

 “I used to put them together,”

  Alright...

 Now I only take them   apart      Child soldiering...

  It sucks

So,    where do we start

GETTING TO THE ESCAPE PAD!

Obi-Wan      supposed to be here                               any minute!

With whole lot of     bullshit!

   Move!

First we need to get one of these     droids so they don’t know we were here

No destroy the thing and     go

They’ll figure it out in like   five seconds

When they go to start the thing     up!

Running is a good   option

“I’m gonna     hot wire   this ship,”

How does       this make       anything            better?

 He’s already down   and       in kicking position

  Everyone’s waiting for Amidala

 You’re not helping, good sir!

  (In fact I’m pretty sure   you’d have to fix something       To make     it go,”

Secondly,      This is a     HUGE    -ass ship

As a reason it has an   electrical team

Squeezing two little   wires

Isn’t going to do       much

It requires continuous effort   to different parts of the ship       To make a dent

And I truly doubt     such   a large ship is going to have such a     non-complicated        Start-up     compared   to hotwiring     a car

Point being;     this shouldn’t work

Give      Grievous      a little surprise

Again    if it’s anything less     Then a      bomb

 Dude isn’t   gonna have   much             trouble

And    this      is       a         waste       of      time

I’ll guess     I’ll clean up the droids   then

LITERally im   possible

That’s     a      tank!

 You   carry   light     weaponry!

Back     to    the   fleet

Plo           Koon         Is       doing     nothing

Having     tea   and   cookies   with     Ahsoka

Our     ships   are       in     attack     position

So...    nothings   changed

“Master     Skywalker,”

  No      one        else      either

   “No,”

Deadpanned

 “ The      droids        are     jamming      our     transmissions,”

(More   likely   reason     for     that      on       a       -damaged     ship)

But      Ergh-

“We need to give him more     time,”

 Opinion!

“ i’m sure we can,”

I’ve been sitting on my ass-         

  [Plo’s            Head        Moves     -Railway]

   We’re         back         here      again?

   Obi-Wan         should         be         at        the     station        by         now

    Everything         is       behind        him

   Yeet

   Yeet

Make it to the   Coms   center

Break      Some      Shit

Oof     Those       Poor     Droids            Good      Pa     rell       els

  Splat!

 Obi won    looking   back-and-forth

 Obi-Wan       you       are        a      Jedi     master       this      shouldn’t       be     hard

  Run

Tum   ble

I was fully planning on   him   stacking it

Roof

Also, Obiwan

  Stop fecking         Around

  Get to the   place

  Woof

How

Did you   end up   falling over?

Ironically Obi-Wan    shows    less    emotion    than     Anakin

* Slashing      the       train*

 Okay...     what     did     I   do

Snarky        little     shit

 Could        be     snarkier

 “That         oughta    do it,”

Ana     -kin      Doing      Obi-wan’s          Job

 Also   Oh     shit      is he       plugging           in       the            location         of         that       supposed          fight           with           master-

How’s the house cleaning going-

 Im-

 That dude made out of     -metal

  He is     FIVE    times     your   bodyweight!

 HOW?

 Done?

 You     MOVED         a     Tank??

HOW-

 That’s-

What       ever

 * Guys       coming            in*

    Oh   yeah       that’s         a       door

       I         guess       repairs         are       finished

Or       they went       on      lunch       break

   Prepared        to charge        up the hyperdrive

     Right on it

“Roger, Roger,”           -famous last words

   Sparking

 Driving

  Are we      seriously      waiting     on   these   two

“Are      you   quite   sure   the   ship       is       in   that   direction?

He’s   basically   a   GPS

That     way    looks   potentially   dangerous

All   of    them   do

 “Haz       ardous,”

 Better   Example     beeping   irritatedly

“I know       the whole     place      is    dangerous,”

  Thank you   R2-     D2

“ I   suggest   we       stay   here   and    let   master   Anakin   find   us,”

Bad     idea

A better idea than anyone in the ‘let’s meet up in an undisclosed location’ came up with

Good idea

3PO

Fecking   Irony

“Don’t    just   stand   there,”

See?

“Let’s      get    back     to    the   ship,”

Irony

Power          up   the   engines     R2

You know   Obi-Wan’s     likely going to screw up your shit   right

*obi-Wan     comes     around     the   corner,*

Dude you have shit to     screw up    

Did you forget?

There shouldn’t be an     escape pod   for you

What

Hold the   ship

No, you didn’t do     anything...

Then again he could just     cannonball   it

How’s that- 

Okay     Very light   bullshit

“ i’ll   contact    the     fleet,”

It’s   the   most   you’ve     done   this   entire   time

Focus      On         The     chair

Do        cking      Clamp

There     We       Go

 Off        We     Go

 It’s       still   Burning

Grievous        Off

Why?

He doesn’t know   

Obi-Wan’s off   the ship

Last   saw   him   on   the     train...

(Not     followed    up     on   directly)

Flighters,   Where        I thought they all got     destroyed?!

All batteries   open fire

Again     Plo Koon does not give a shit       who dies

(Until sitting on his ass gets        too   boring)

Also    this isn’t his fleet

They shouldn’t listen to   him

(Especially after he got his last one   killed)

More       Shooting at the   burning     wreck

Turb      ulence

And     Obi-Wan   still    didn’t   do        his     job

Guns

You can       shoot back   at any time

“ I wa-”

Obi-wan      being   completely       useless

Anakin       having       too     much     emotion

“I   got      it,”

Shoo   ting     stuff

Somehow       doesn’t    go   down   immediately

Hit

“ She     seems     to know   her way   around,”

Gross

Hit     Something

The      Hyper       Drive

-repaired

Also   Obi-Wan   didn’t   fuck   up   shit 

Dis     appointed

Also   it   certainly    as   frick   isn’t   now

After   they’ve   been   shooting

Should we retreat     to   friendly    space?

If You can make there it with it in     one piece      (Which    was    the   qualifications)

Engage     the   hyperdrive

With   me   not   on  it

“Secret base      sector four,”

Interesting

“Prepare-”

Enthus iastic

“Yes,      Sir,”

Fighters      still   chasing

Intense

“Nice   Shoot,”

 Gross

“Beginners     luck,”

 Beeping

“Pardin-”

“Hyperdrive   is   activating,”

Obi-Wan

“ Oh-shit     Caught in a   lie.”

“-what”

-They’re getting hit with cannonballs     Anakin what did you do   ?!

(What Did      I    order you    to do?)

Coordinates    are   locked

“Hyperdrives     engaging,”

  Shit’s     about       to    go-

Ar-

Sp-       arking

Glitzy     display         Base

“ I think   there’s     a   problem,”

“General     I think     there’s a problem with the   hyperdrive,”

Yeah       The ship got refired     upon     it’s probably       re broken

Seriously

“ I thought     the hyperdrive     was fixed,”

And then it got shot again...

The navigate computer is heading a straight into the   moon

What        ??

Fools       reset the           Navi         computer

“Quick,”

Tech    Support

Dooku

Worst         time      to     call

(Don’t       think     it     could’ve       gone       more       sideways)

Also good job         Anakin         You crash landed them       on a planet         with significantly larger surface area       and resources     that they       can             use      to         re-build

 Aka              you made things harder      than they needed to      be

  Obi-Wan,        what are you     ordering       this kid

Narrowed eyes

-No     reset       it

“General,”

 Harsh

But I’m interested         in where this is going

Since        Grievous           has          had           a lot of       shit thrown at him

Doesn’t matter     which side of      enablers         he still enabling

 But          I suppose        over involved         positivity            Would be            kind of a nice      change          for         him

 Over         over involved           negativity

 Speeds         off

“Trans         -mission         Has          been          cut,”

  Intentionally

* also      smart        droid

“ We’re     Gonna         die

[Explosion]

 How?!

Whelp       Obi-Wan has to have a sit down talk with Anakin.    about the ‘ Drive the         ship into the moon,’ order

Also I realized      (thanks to Obi-Wan)     they know nothing about what just     happened         Grievous           either             decided         to        just       end          it 

or they’re all dead

Obi-Wan

 Dick move

“ I imagine        you had           something       to do       with that,”

WTF- orders

“ all part of       the plan,”

Obi-Wan schooled       Anakin in      extraterrestrial terrorism

Cheering     at least the ion cannon     isn’t coming back

Nice shot

           ...So Destroy Malevolence

               I have to say      I really like this episode

 Despite the plot      stretched thin

        There was a noticeable increase in the quality of       animation

        The child characters were     good 

The other characters were a lot more consistent  And a lot       smarter                               

[keepswingin]

Okay so I had this fic idea based off of the Taylor Swift song Better Then Revenge.... but while Addison is trying to get “her boy back” she ends up in listing the help of some other boy aka Zed and lets just say it doesn’t go as planned?

Okay so this could’ve easily been like a 5k fic or something so I did my best to condense this idea into something shorter, yet still retaining the idea, so I hope you like it! Note: Human AU, Late College-Age.

“She stole him! That—That bi—“

“Wait, hold on, what exactly are you talking about? Who stole what?” Eliza asks as she finally puts down her tech magazine, giving Addison her full attention.

Addison Wells, her best friend since, well, forever, is currently pacing a hole into the floor, fuming as she goes around and around. Eliza was half-listening at first, but figured her full attention was needed at this point because Addison had been ranting for around five minutes now.

Addison stops and whips around, her white hair following her as she goes. “My boyfriend, Eliza, my boyfriend. You know, a little bit taller than me? Smiles really nice? Short hair? Said he would love me until the end of time?”

Eliza’s eyes grow to the size of saucers. “Wyatt broke up with you?”

Wyatt and Addison had been a thing for years.

During high school, every other weekend it was on and the others, off, but Wyatt—ever the charmer—had proclaimed his love for Addison during their high school graduation, and they had been steady for nearly three years now. Eliza never thought she’d see the day they broke up, but apparently the universe wanted to prove her wrong on this hot, sticky summer day.

Addison looks angrier than Eliza’s ever seen her, her cheeks flaming, her hair wild and frizzy, her eyes wet but holding so many emotions. “He broke up with me because she stole him from me.”

Eliza immediately knows who Addison is talking about her eyes narrow into slits. “That bi—“

“I know!” Addison’s quiet for a moment after that, all the anger slowly draining out of her as she chews on her bottom lip. “Eliza,” she says, her voice low, “he told me he loved her.”

Eliza thinks she’s going to kill Wyatt, and she doesn’t even care that she’s dating his sister. Or, she thinks Willa would go along with it, because after finding out what he did, she would want to kill him too. How dare he dump Addison and an actual relationship that was going somewhere for some two-timing—

“I don’t know what to do,” Addison admits, wiping at the corner of her eye, and Eliza stands up from her seat with enough force to startle her. 

Addison looks over at her best friend and sees her on her phone, her fingers moving over the keyboard rapidly. Before she can question her, her phone is back in her pocket and she’s placing both her hands on Addison’s arms, giving her a mischievous smile.

“I know exactly what you can do. Trust me.”

X

“Someone called for the revenge master?”

Addison looks up from her coffee, seeing someone she least expected for Eliza’s grand plan.

You’ll love him, she had said with a wink, something knowing in her eyes, and Addison has no idea what she meant by that because Eliza’s friend has green hair.

He’s tall, extremely tall, with bright green hair, pale skin and a blindingly bright personality. He’s wearing a grey tee-shirt that hugs him a little too tight with black jeans, his phone sticking out of his back pocket.

He saunters over with a huge smile, and pulls out the chair across from her, taking a seat and leaning his arms on the table, holding out a hand. “Zed the Zombie, at your service. Revenge master, hardcore zombie and great kisser. You must be Addison.”

Addison takes his hand and shakes it briefly, before returning to holding her mug. She can’t help herself and finds herself asking before her brain can stop her.

“Great kisser?” She asks. He chuckles.

“I could show you sometime—“

“So,” she starts, shutting him down completely, “Eliza said you could help me get revenge on my ex?”

Zed doesn’t falter, nodding his head and leaning back in his chair, crossing his arms. Her eyes flicker towards the pull of his biceps, and of course his too-tight shirt isn’t doing her any favors, but she shuts those thoughts down before they go too far.

He was just her excuse to mess up some things for Wyatt, nothing more.

“Yup. How extreme do you want to go?”

She shrugs and takes a sip of her coffee, leaning back her chair. “Well we had been together for three years and then somebody we all know came along and put him under her spell.” Zed nods, taking in the information.

“And he’s—“

“He thinks he’s in love,” Addison deadpans, and Zed smirks across from her.

“Your boys got it bad.”

She looks down to her mug, watching as steam wafts from the top. “He’s not my boy anymore.”

Zed thinks for a moment, watching this beautiful girl in front of him get sadder by the second and for some reason, the thought tugs at his heart. For some reason, he feels like he has to put a stop to it, because someone as beautiful as her doesn’t deserve to be sad.

“Hey,” he says, reaching out for her hand, his fingers sliding over hers. She lifts her head and their eyes meet. Zed can’t help but smile. “Let’s make him regret that.”

X

“Did you see the expression on his face?” Addison whispers excitedly, grabbing his arm as they drop back down behind the bush, both of them sniggering at their handiwork.

“There’s no coming back from that,” Zed whispers, laughing as quietly as he can.

She leans into him, attempting to hide her laughs in his shoulder and he leans back, and somehow, someway, his lips brush skin.

They both freeze.

They can still hear Wyatt cursing from the parking lot, absolutely dismayed about his car, shouting and yelling words they’d rather not repeat. The night is warm, almost too warm (or maybe that’s just them) and they’re both stiff with sudden tension, which is just as heavy as the summer air around them.

Addison’s the first to move back, Zed reaching up and rubbing the back of his neck beside her, diverting his eyes to the green grass beneath them. “Uh,” he stutters, but she saves him from having to answer.

“I’m not looking for a—“

“Oh yeah! Yeah! I uh, I totally get that.” He says back, stumbling through his words.

Addison nods to herself. “Yeah,” she whispers, her voice nearly inaudible. “I’m not ready. I can’t let someone else break my heart.”

She almost misses Zed’s answer as she stands and wipes invisible dust from her shorts.

“Good thing I’m not a heartbreaker then.”

She wishes she hadn’t heard afterward.

It would make ignoring her growing feelings easier, because in the past few days she’s gotten to know him as they’ve planned one terrible thing after another for her ex, and she only feels closer.

He’s sweet and caring and always opens the door for her. He’s funny, too funny sometimes, and whenever their arms brush as they’re walking she swears she feels butterflies, which is something she never felt with Wyatt, not even once. He’s considerate. He orders for her whenever their planning runs late into the night and they stop at the closest coffee shop for inspiration and caffeine.

He texts her good morning and goodnight, heart emojis always trailing after. He’s extremely good looking, not that matters but of course, how could she not notice? And his heart, she swears his heart is golden. She swears she’s never meant anyone better or more extraordinary.

She worries she’s got it bad, as he stands and she watches him from a little ways away, and when he smiles at her, she smiles back.

(What she doesn’t know, is that he’s got it just as bad as her.)

X

They’re busy planning another revenge tactic and their ‘meeting’ runs late into the night.

It’s been about a week now and Wyatt had no suspicions but each surprise left him more livid than the last, to the immense joy of both Zed and Addison because, well, he deserved it.

Addison’s caught Zed staring multiple times throughout the night, and he’s caught her checking him out, and it’s been back and forth for hours, neither wanting to voice their feelings out loud.

Zed’s the first one to reach the breaking point.

Abruptly, he turns around, reaching for her arm. She gives him a questioning look but allows him to take her arm, his grip sliding down to her hand, and then his other hand is reaching up and cupping her cheek and Addison’s breath catches in her throat.

“I don’t usually do this on the job but I can’t wait any longer.”

He kisses her, slow at first, but deeper as one minute turns into two and then she’s kissing him back and she’s never felt so alive, kissing someone who refers to themselves as a zombie. Speaking of—

Addison breaks the kiss but keeps their close proximity, their foreheads pressing together.

“Before we kiss into oblivion,” she jokes in a whisper, “I have to know. Why Zed the Zombie?”

A smile stretches across his lips and he looks like he’s going to burst into laughter in a matter of seconds. “Because,” he whispers back, trying to be as serious as possible, “I’m deadicated to my job.”

“I cannot believe I just kissed you,” she says after her shock wears off and he’s finally able to stop laughing and he just shakes his head.

“Gets ‘em every time,” he says happily before leaning in close, “and you know you liked it.”

Addison’s lips curl into an identical smile, “Bring it on, zombie.”

Their lips meet in another kiss, and another after that one, and the rest of the night goes without a single hitch.

[welcometothepenumbra]

SECOND CITADEL – THE HALLOWED HALLS OF HELICOID (PART TWO)

SOUND: RAIN. TRAIN ARRIVES, CREAKS TO A STOP. DOOR CLANKS OPEN.

CONDUCTOR: Ah, good evening, Traveler. And welcome… to The Penumbra.

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS SHUT.

Take your seat, please, take your seat.

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING.

MUSIC: STARTS.

The junction lies ahead, so if you’ll allow me just a moment.

SOUND: TRAIN WHISTLE.

We are now approaching Fort Terminus.

SOUND: TRAIN BRAKES.

Our next stop?

The Hallowed Halls of Helicoid.

SOUND: DOOR CLANKS OPEN, RAIN.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

BAILIFFS (MUFFLED): (FADING IN) Nothing over here, your Horror! Nor here, your Circuitousness! Most horrible Judge Helicoid, I’ve found the hu– ah, nevermind. That’s another bit of rug!

TALFRYN: (QUIETLY) He’s not leaving! Come on, Talfryn, you have to do something, think! (DEEP BREATH) Okay. Okay, okay. Uh, what would Sir Marc say? Uh… “C’mon, Tal, you’re afraid of one measly little house-sized snail? I could slay it with Dampierre’s eyes closed!”

Ohhhh, that’s not helping!

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (YELLS)

TALFRYN: Oh no!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Sir Damien!

Release him from your bubbling grasp, slime-beast! If you’ve harmed my greatest friend and rival, I swear—

JUDGE (MUFFLED): I’m not doing anything. Now, tell him to stop bellyaching, would you? He’s horribly close to my ear.

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (LAUGHS) The tapestries! Saint Damien above, I’ve made sense of them! Ha-HA! At last, the world’s returned to order!

JUDGE (MUFFLED): Your priorities are astonishing, human.

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): You are a false prophet, snail! These tapestries show Sage Helicoid clearly, and he is a human! A very old man with a ceremonial helmet and a long, flowing cloak, carrying a spiral shield.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Hm. Where is that? I don’t see it.

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) Oh, it’s okay; Sir Damien’s okay. But I have to get out of here.

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) It’s… it’s right there, Sir Angelo, how can you not?

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) That? Looks more like a snail to me.

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) Sir Marc would tell me to look at everything available to me.

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) It’s an old man!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) I could see it either way, to be honest.

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) So, I’ve got—

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) What?!

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE BELOW) Well—

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) …my spear. And my armor is out there, and…

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) —the snail’s foot is like a robe, you see.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) Oh, I like that!

TALFRYN: (OVER THE BELOW) —my pack, probably surrounded by little slimy things by now.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) And the ceremonial helm’s horns are his eye stalks! Very thick ones…

TALFRYN: (OVER THE ABOVE) (GROANS)

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (OVER THE BELOW) Mm, it takes all kinds, man, it takes all kinds.

TALFRYN: (OVER THE ABOVE) I’m so thirsty, I wish I didn’t leave my backflask…

BAILIFF (MUFFLED): Your Horror! I’ve found him!

TALFRYN: (GASPS)

JUDGE (MUFFLED): > You are pointing at me, Bailiff.

BAILIFF (MUFFLED): Is… is that not who we were lookin’ for, your Circuitousness?

JUDGE (MUFFLED): (GROWLS) The human! The human. Go and find him!

TALFRYN: Okay. I’ve got… this wall! And… these pipes in the wall. And… beyond those, some thick glass-like stuff leading to… water.

We’re underwater. We’re under the Terminus, aren’t we? Oh no, oh no…!

SOUND: HEAVY SCRAPING.

BAILIFF (MUFFLED): Your Horror! This time I’ve found him!

JUDGE (MUFFLED): Bailiff, that is not a human! It is a wall! Don’t call me until you have found a human, because I am very busy! (GRUMBLES) It’s clearly a snail!

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): The tapestries show an old man!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): I agree with you on that point, Sir Damien. They show—

BAILIFF (MUFFLED): (OVER THE BELOW) I’ll just check on my own, then.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): (OVER THE ABOVE) —both a snail and a man! It is one of those optical delusions.

SOUND: GRUNTS, SCRAPING.

JUDGE (MUFFLED): Illusions.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Thank you! It’s one of those illusions delusions.

TALFRYN: Spear, gotta get my spear, gotta get my—

BAILIFF: Bailiffs! Bailiffs! This wall is talking!

TALFRYN: Oh no!

BAILIFF: And now it’s saying “oh no!” And— (GASPS) The human!

TAL: (YELLS)

SOUND: SQUELCH.

BAILIFF: And now it’s got a pointy stick goes right through my belly.

SOUND: RUSTLING.

TALFRYN: Give my spear back!

BAILIFF: No! You give it to me!

SOUND: GRUNTS.

BAILIFFS (MUFFLED): (OVERLAPPING) What’s that? A human? Disgusting! Ooh, that looks fun! Beat him, Bailiff! Beat him!

JUDGE (DISTANT): Hmmm? What’s that, now?

BAILIFF: I said let go! (GRUNTS)

TALFRYN: No! You let go! (GRUNTS)

SOUND: BREAKING GLASS. BUBBLING WATER.

BAILIFF: Now look what you did! Your silly stick’s stuck a hole in the… wall.

Uh-oh.

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

BAILIFFS: (OVERLAPPING, OVER THE BELOW) What’s that? Oh no! I don’t know how to swim! (YELLS)

JUDGE: (OVER THE ABOVE) Bailiffs! I say, my bailiffs are being washed away!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): You’ve flushed them, Talfryn! Genius! The door is clear, now; you can run back up to the surface and get the salt!

TALFRYN: (PANTING) Okay. Now I just have to… take care of the big one. And—

ANGELO (MUFFLED): And then you slay this evil snail!

TALFRYN: Yeah. That. (GULPS)

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): Where is he? What is he doing?!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Perhaps he’s… not convinced by the salt?

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): He had better be. With all respect for the tracking profession, Talfryn, a great, great many authorities before you have agreed that salt kills snails. And at the moment I’d rather trust centuries of wisdom over one reluctant tracker!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Talfryn, please! Strength in unity! A knight must prize all voices!

JUDGE (MUFFLED): I have grown rather tired of all these voices myself. (DEEP BREATH)

SOUND: BUBBLES.

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Oh! Ooooh! Now what is that– oh! That strange feeling?

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): Suction, Sir Angelo! The slime is sucking us in!

ANGELO (MUFFLED): Wh– whoa– whoaaaaaaa!

DAMIEN (MUFFLED): Taaaaaaalfryyyyyn!

SOUND: SCHLORP.

JUDGE: Yes, ye– hmm, well! I think that’s more like it. (CHUCKLES)

TALFRYN: (PANTING)

JUDGE: Well now, well now – without your rapscallion friends to lead the way, you aren’t nearly so bold, are you? I should say not, ha hem, hm, ha, not at all. But… mmmm.

It is my profession to lead ways, you know. To give guidance – excuse me, rather, to communicate guidance from the uuuUUuUuniverse – in situations where individuals cannot sort it for themselves. Hmm? I can speak to a power greater than us. Ask it where your place is. And then, all you need to do is: follow. Do as I tell you, and then it will be all over. So. What say you?

TALFRYN: (WHISPERING) If I run for the door, he’ll get me. If I don’t run, he’ll get them.

JUDGE: I should warn you that your friends will drown if you wait much longer.

TALFRYN: (CALLING) Alright! Alright, I’m… coming out.

JUDGE: (CHUCKLES) And you won’t try anything tricky now, mmm?

TALFRYN: N– never!

JUDGE: That’s a good lad. Come out, I say. Come out!

TALFRYN: Three, two, one!

SOUND: SCRAPE, RUNNING FOOTSTEPS, PANTING.

JUDGE: Haaa ha-ha! I knew you would run! (SNORTS, SPITS) The door is blocked, and you are trapped, you small-minded, unimpressive, dry—

Oh, well, you didn’t run for the door, did you?

TALFRYN: N-nope! I ran for this! My backflask!

SOUND: WATER SPRAYING.

JUDGE: (YELPING)

TALFRYN: Ha! I knew it! Fresh water will… uh-oh!

JUDGE: (BIG SNORT, SPITS)

TALFRYN: Wuh!

SOUND: SPRAYING WATER.

JUDGE: (YELLS)

TALFRYN: No more spitballs, or I’ll keep spraying!

JUDGE: Curse you! My divine face, I say, my divine face has been swollen!

TALFRYN: And I’m sorry I did that. But you have to let my friends breathe, or else… or else I’ll swell it up even more! And you won’t like it!

JUDGE: (GROWLS, STRAINING)

SOUND: BUBBLING. GASPS.

DAMIEN: (PANTING) The snail’s skin… is shifting! I can breathe!

ANGELO: (STRAINING) Keep at it, Talfryn! Now you just have to get the salt!

TALFRYN: Salt won’t work. We already tried it.

ANGELO: Well, have we perhaps tried more salt?

TALFRYN: We did! All that water that flooded in here was seawater from the Terminus! But the Judge here didn’t bat an eye-stalk!

Because you’re not a land snail at all! You’re a sea slug! And now you have to let my friends go, because—

JUDGE: (BIG GASP) I beg your pardon! Slander! Slander, I say! Everyone knows that the mighty Judge Helicoid is a snail. Why else would I live in this great big shell?

ANGELO: It looked more like a tower to me.

JUDGE: And—! Water, harming a sea creature! How preposterous! (LAUGHS)

TALFRYN: Not just any water! Fresh water! Because basically! It’s called osmosis! Your internal fluids are really heavily saltwater, uh, that’s, so all the water doesn’t rush out of you in the ocean, ‘cause it kind of tries to balance… but anyway, your skin just sort of lets water in and out whenever it wants, so the water on the outside filters into your skin really fast to try and dilute the salty—

JUDGE: Flim-flam! Tommyrot! Stuff and nonsense! Also, I didn’t understand a word of it.

DAMIEN: Genius, Talfryn! What incredible reasoning! Your mind has won the day.

TALFRYN: Oh! Thank you!

DAMIEN: And more importantly, you’ve proved once and for all that Sage Helicoid is not a snail!

JUDGE: Fine, then. I’m a slug. And those pictures on the tapestries are all of a slug! Me! Judge Helicoid!

ANGELO: Mmm, no, I’m afraid there we disagree, slug. That is definitely either a snail, or an old man.

DAMIEN: It is just an old man!

JUDGE: Well then, how do you account for the strange protrusions on his shield?

TALFRYN: Stop!

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

JUDGE: Ooooh! What was that for?

TALFRYN: Stop pretending to be our friend and distracting us and listen to me! I told you to let them go!

JUDGE: After this conversation.

TALFRYN: No! Right now, because this is what you do! You lie, and brag, and put on a big show to distract us, and then you get us when we aren’t ready! That’s why you’ve let Sir Angelo talk to me this whole time…

ANGELO: Because he respected me as an unlicensed educator!

TALFRYN: …so you could always tell what I was going to do next!

ANGELO: Oh.

DAMIEN: He’s not a sage. He isn’t even a snail! He’s just a performer. (SPITS) A second-rate performer!

JUDGE: (GASPS) Second rate! How dare you—

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

(GASPS) Oh, uh, please, uh, don’t spray me… with that, again, alright, h-here you go. (STRAINING)

SOUND: BUBBLING. TWO POPS, THUDS.

TALFRYN: There. You guys are free. Now we’ve just got to see what he knows and leave.

JUDGE: Ha! If you think it will be that easy to—

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

(YELLS, SPLUTTERS) I think you’ve grown a bit too attached to that spraying-device.

TALFRYN: Who are you? First you’re pretending to be this Spiral Sage guy, then a snail? What’s all this for?

JUDGE: Do you perhaps mean, ‘why would I impersonate a long-dead snail of near-infinite power who all monsters listen to without question?’

Because it seems to me that answer is clear, hm hm.

DAMIEN: Human.

JUDGE: Snail.

DAMIEN: Human!

TALFRYN: That’s not all! You said you had orders to guard this gate. Who gave you orders?

JUDGE: I told you, the uuuUUUuUuniverse—

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

(YELPS) Fine, fine! The Senate. The Senate placed me here!

TALFRYN: The monsters have… a Senate? Like the First Citadel?

DAMIEN: That’s impossible! Monsters organizing, conducting a society like– like humans? Blasphemy!

JUDGE: We speak, do we not? We think. We argue. And if we are to ensure our freedoms are protected, we must have a means of enforcing them. So, we vote. Some monsters choose to cluster in families or societies; there is a tree west of here, filled with ten thousand chipmooks, who all must unanimously agree on one vote. Then, there are the solitary beasts, like that… ugh, lizard and his house. Not that he’s voted in decades, the six-limbed scoundrel.

DAMIEN: A lizard? A six-limbed lizard?

ANGELO: Now, Sir Damien, let’s not get too excited right away. He could have four legs. Or six legs. Or five arms and no legs, if a snake’s tail is a form of leg, or—

JUDGE: Four arms, two legs.

ANGELO: Begads, that’s just the lizard we’re after!

DAMIEN: Do you know where the fiend is? Sly slug, tell us immediately!

JUDGE: Somewhere in this building, if he isn’t dead already.

DAMIEN: If he isn’t– what did you say?

JUDGE: He’s been found guilty of treason and sentenced to this fortress, from whence they’re likely to throw him over the edge of the world.

DAMIEN: Thrown over the edge… he is a monster, but… oh Saints, how grisly…

TALFRYN: Was there a woman with him? A human woman?

JUDGE: Not with him, but… (GAGS) A situation too disgusting to speak of. Her trial concludes with the dawn. She’s in our holding-cells at present, along with that pugnacious friend of hers.

ANGELO: I knew Sir Caroline would save her!

DAMIEN: Thrown over the edge of the world… down the Terminus falls… down and down and…

JUDGE: But all is not lost, gentlemen; I say, it is not too late for you to have your woman and your lizard.

ANGELO: Slay the lizard, actually.

JUDGE: Yes, well, perhaps do that before you get her, for, uh… blugh, good… reasons. You will find the monster in this very fortress, deep beneath the Terminus. You will find the woman back beneath my courthouse, where she is held.

TALFRYN: You’re being really cooperative suddenly.

JUDGE: Well, my boy, what else can I do? If I am indirect, I get the spray; if I lie, it’s the spray once more. And if I avoid the spray, well, perhaps that’s because… I would… like to survive this. I’m… well, I daresay I’m quite afraid for my life at this moment.

DAMIEN: He lies as all monsters do, Talfryn. Slay him.

TALFRYN: But—

ANGELO: I’m afraid I agree with Sir Damien, my pupil. A call for mercy is to be respected, but when its caller has proven so unrepentant…

TALFRYN: I… I…

DAMIEN: For your Citadel. This is what it means to be a knight.

ANGELO: It is not easy, my young friend. But it grows easier with time.

TALFRYN: (QUIETLY) I don’t want it to get easier.

JUDGE: What was that?

TALFRYN: I said…

You told us the truth about Rilla and the lizard? You swear?

JUDGE: I have too much at stake to lie, my boy. Far too much.

TALFRYN: Then go. Leave!

DAMIEN: Talfryn!

ANGELO: Do not act rashly now, my pupil; the monster is—

TALFRYN: My monster! I beat him! I saved you! So I get to decide!

And you can’t pretend to be the Judge anymore, okay, slug! You have to go back into the Terminus, or wherever you came from. And you just have to be a big slug again. A big slug who doesn’t hurt anybody! Okay?

JUDGE: Of course. I cannot thank you more, my boy. I will chart my own course now.

TALFRYN: You’d better, or someone will come back with even more fresh water. Seriously!

JUDGE: Thank you, thank you! I say one thousand times thank you.

SOUND: HEAVY CREAKING, SQUELCHES. CLANK.

Gentlemen.

DAMIEN & ANGELO: (GRUNT)

SOUND: CLANKS & CREAKS, THUD, CLANKS.

TALFRYN: (SIGHS) It’s over.

DAMIEN: Indeed. Failure, too, is an ending.

ANGELO: I- do hope your instincts prove true, Talfryn. We have let monsters go in recent days, but this… seems riskier.

TALFRYN: Well… if we had just killed him to start like you guys wanted, we never would have learned that Rilla and the lizard-monster are already here! We’d just be walking back into the swamp and we’d never find Rilla at all.

SOUND: SQUISHES.

DAMIEN: That noise… Does anyone else hear that?

TALFRYN: So, yeah! Maybe I can do this! Maybe I can be a-a new kind of knight—

SOUND: BUBBLING.

—one who doesn’t kill monsters, who only hunts for food or to protect the jungle, and—

JUDGE: Protect yourself first, boy.

ANGELO: Talfryn, behind you!

JUDGE: (BIG SNORT)

TALFRYN: (SCREAMS)

SOUND: WATER SPRAYS.

(PANTS)

SOUND: STRETCHING.

JUDGE: (GURGLES)

Uh oh.

SOUND: BIG POP. WET SPLAT.

ANGELO: (AFTER A PAUSE) Talfryn. That was…

DAMIEN: Disgusting. Harrowing. Rancid beyond comprehension.

ANGELO: Amazing!! (LAUGHS)

TALFRYN: (YELPS)

ANGELO: You did it! You did it, my pupil, and I couldn’t be more proud! Did you see his reflexes, Sir Damien?

DAMIEN: Very impressive.

ANGELO: And that shot! Unbelievable! You have the makings of a great knight, young Talfryn!

TALFRYN: Let go of me!

ANGELO: What?

TALFRYN: I said don’t touch me, okay?

ANGELO: Talfryn, I… I understand these jitters. But that monster broke his word and tried to kill you; he was undoubtedly evil.

DAMIEN: As they all are.

ANGELO: I can’t say that. What of the crocodile-hound?

TALFRYN: Stop.

DAMIEN: What of it? We didn’t observe what it did with its freedom, did we? Our failure to kill it has likely visited misery on many more humans already. It was a moment of weakness, Sir Angelo.

TALFRYN: I said stop.

ANGELO: The situation may have been unclear, Sir Damien, but a knight knows what’s best in his heart.

DAMIEN: Do we? In an era of heart-twisting monsters, can we?

TALFRYN: Just shut up already! You aren’t listening! You’re just waiting until everyone else is quiet and then talking about your own problems!

DAMIEN: …Oh my.

TALFRYN: I don’t care whether the Judge was a good monster or a bad monster! I said I didn’t want to kill him, and then I killed him, and I didn’t want to!

ANGELO: But you had to, friend—

TALFRYN: I’m not talking about had to! I didn’t want to! I never wanted to, and now I did and I feel like I’m gonna be sick, okay? (HEAVY BREATHING)

ANGELO: Young Talfryn, I—

TALFRYN: And another thing! I’m older than you, Sir Angelo. I have more experience than you. And you might be really, really good at killing monsters, but right now we’re just trying not to die in a monster’s den, and you don’t know what you’re talking about, so… so… so… maybe the people who talk the most shouldn’t say we should listen to everyone equally when it’s someone! Else’s! Turn!

I’m gonna go sit down over there now!

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

DAMIEN: That was… quite clear.

I’m going to see if I can make sense of those tapestries. Perhaps some quiet… contemplation is in order.

ANGELO: Still? You’ve been quietly contemplating for days, Sir Damien.

DAMIEN: Yes, well, things have become… rather complicated, haven’t they? (CHUCKLES) A government of monsters… individual interests, rights, representation? Could those be lies too, my friend? When does one concede that one has cast aside so much as falsehood that the world itself has become… a mirage? The reality not meeting what we choose to see?

ANGELO: I understood not a lick of that, Sir Damien. But I would say that if you worry you don’t understand everything, well I can’t say I do, either. But I listen when others tell me I am wrong, and I learn.

Well, I thought I did. Perhaps I don’t understand that, either.

DAMIEN: Yes… perhaps that is wisest… surround oneself with those wiser, and worry not beyond the scope they set. That is the essence of faith, is it not? To… believe. No matter what obstacles present themselves.

(SIGHS) And I must believe the real Sage Helicoid must have been human. I must believe that monsters are evil, for much wiser men than I have said so, and for hundreds of years.

ANGELO: But… what of the beasts we’ve seen on our journey, my friend? What of the evidence of your eyes? Or your heart?

DAMIEN: My heart… well, that must be because…

I don’t know, Sir Angelo. I don’t know.

But the answer must be in these halls. It must be. And then my faith will be restored, and the world will be as it always was. It has to be. It has to.

ANGELO: Very well, then. I shall talk to young– I shall talk to our compatriot.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

Talfryn. May I sit?

TALFRYN: (MOANS)

ANGELO: My friend, I owe you an apology. I was overzealous today. I just thought… well, I thought that without your brother, you might be… in need of guidance. Adrift, perhaps.

TALFRYN: Yeah, well, maybe! Maybe I do feel adrift! And maybe I wouldn’t if everyone would just let me drift for a minute until I undrift myself, okay! (SIGHS) I’m sorry, Sir Angelo, that’s not fair. I just…

ANGELO: It’s alright, my friend.

TALFRYN (MUFFLED): I don’t know if I want to be a knight.

ANGELO: What’s that?

TALFRYN: I said, (MUFFLED) I don’t know if I want to be a knight.

ANGELO: Yes, well, I heard that part, but I assumed that I must be mistake– great Saints on high, man, you don’t want to be a knight?!

TALFRYN: (MOANS)

ANGELO: I didn’t know there existed a single human being that didn’t want to be a knight.

TALFRYN: Even the Queen?

ANGELO: I thought she must have aimed for knighthood and overshot a bit.

TALFRYN: Ah.

ANGELO: Well… aha! Then I’ve got just the solution, friend. If you don’t want to be a knight, then don’t be a knight! It’s that simple. And the day is saved!

TALFRYN: No, I… don’t know if I want to be a knight. And I don’t know if I don’t want to be one, either. I just…

Marc’s been working at it so hard and so long. I don’t want to let him down. I don’t know how not to let him down. And I don’t know what I want besides that.

ANGELO: I see… a far more challenging puzzle. Well, you see, Talfryn, you might… uh, that is, you could… just give me a moment, Talfryn, and Sir Angelo the Strong will have the answer.

TALFRYN: Y’know, Sir Angelo… sometimes when people talk, they don’t want you to solve their problems. Sometimes they just want to know you’re listening.

ANGELO: Then I shall listen more attentively than ever! And I shall update you every third sentence to ensure you…

That is more difficult than it sounds, isn’t it?

TALFRYN: Yeah. Yeah.

ANGELO: Mmm. Well. I will work on that.

And though I have known you but a short time, my friend, I am thrilled to see what you will become. I have no idea what it is, but… I am certain it will be grand.

TALFRYN: Thanks—

ANGELO: And also probably outside.

TALFRYN: Yeah, that’s accurate.

Thanks, friend.

ANGELO: It is my pleasure, friend.

Hm. Do you know where Sir Damien went, by the way? I don’t see him anywhere.

TALFRYN: Uh… nope; I don’t see him.

ANGELO: Is this the sort of problem I should not solve, or…?

TALFRYN: Nope, we should do something about that.

ANGELO: I suspected so.

TALFRYN: (CALLING, OVER THE BELOW) Sir Damien? Sir Damien? Sir Damien!

ANGELO: (CALLING, OVER THE ABOVE) Damien? Best friend and rival to Sir Angelo? Damien?

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

CAROLINE: (FADING IN) …completely ridiculous, that’s why!

RILLA: Ridiculous? So you want me to stay out here and get smashed as soon as another set of guards comes by?

CAROLINE: Better that than being torn apart by the lizard-beast!

RILLA: He is not going to tear me apart!

QUANYII: Now, ladies, please. Why are we fighting?

No really, why are we fighting? I got bored and stopped listening.

RILLA: The monsters aren’t going to let us just hang out here. So if we want to make it out alive, someone needs to stand lookout.

CAROLINE: And someone needs to go get the lizard.

RILLA: You’re just going to kill him.

CAROLINE: And you’re going to– well I don’t know what you’re going to do, but I don’t trust it.

QUANYII: Oh, is that all? My sillies, why there’s just such an easy answer. I’ll just—

RILLA & CAROLINE: (IN UNISON) You are not going in there!

QUANYII: Rude.

CAROLINE: You’re more likely to tear the lizard to pieces than I am. Make a soup out of him or something.

QUANYII: Ugh! I am not some chef!

RILLA: A goblin that spits soup, then.

QUANYII: Oh, yes. I quite like that idea.

CAROLINE: You also have a habit of disappearing and reappearing. It would be foolish to trust you with guard duty. You’d get bored and vanish off somewhere more exciting.

QUANYII: Guilty as charged! Well, then there is one other way I can help, at least.

Hmmm, now how will we compromise?

CAROLINE: Compromise.

QUANYII: Oh, it’s all the rage with the monsters: a system by which nobody gets what they want and everybody just resents everybody else! Very diplomatic.

CAROLINE: I know what a compromise is! (SIGHS) No. I’ve already learned one lesson today, thank you, and now I think I’ll have what I want. This is my mission, and I’ve earned the right to slay that lizard.

RILLA: Well, I have unfinished business with him.

CAROLINE: What business?

RILLA: I think someone who’s so dead-set on nobody asking about her past doesn’t really get to demand I tell her mine.

CAROLINE: Hmph. Fine. Witch. What compromise did you have in mind?

QUANYII: How about… (GASPS) That’s it!

RILLA: What’s it?

QUANYII: Our compromise will be this: Rilla will go in there first, and you’ll have your talk with the lizard and learn everything you can.

CAROLINE: How is that a compro—

QUANYII: But! We’ll all decide on a time limit together first; and once that’s up, you’ll just scurry right back here and then cranky and I will go in and take what we like from your scaly friend. Does that seem fair?

CAROLINE: No.

But I’m willing to tolerate it.

QUANYII: Rilla?

RILLA: I… uh…

QUANYII: And I’d suggest you take the compromise, or we might have to go to a vote. And I think you know which side I’m voting for.

RILLA: …Fine.

CAROLINE: Good. Now, how long do we think is fair?

RILLA: An hour.

CAROLINE: Two minutes.

QUANYII: And I vote for negative two minutes, so when you average that all together you get… twenty minutes!

RILLA: (OVER THE BELOW) That’s all?

CAROLINE: (OVER THE ABOVE) That long?

QUANYII: That’s compromise for you. Twenty minutes to ask your questions, and then you come right back here.

RILLA: But I—

QUANYII: And we’re agreed, so your time starts… now!

CAROLINE: Have fun, Rilla. Don’t make me come looking for you.

RILLA: I won’t.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS. RECORDER STARTS.

Research log, entry… (SIGHS) Who am I kidding? This hasn’t been a research log in weeks.

MUSIC: STARTS.

(SIGHS) I… don’t know what I’m going to do, to be honest. I’m in the hall just before Lord Arum’s cell, and– if he’s still in it.

And if he is, what then? Twenty minutes to help him escape, when it took us the better part of a day to get down here? And even if I do help him escape, what then? Treason, and Damien, and… this feeling.

Things are so much more confusing than they used to be. I miss how simple things were, but… I can’t go back. Not knowing what I know now, knowing how much danger we’re all in, knowing how little of the world I actually understand, but…

I love my life. And, I love my Damien, and…

How are you supposed to make the huge and beautiful and terrifying new world you’ve stumbled into… play nice with your home? With everything you love? I don’t… know. I hope… I have time to find the answer.

Saints, this is a long hallway. End of—

SOUND: DISTANT GASP.

What was that?!

ARUM (DISTANT): You?

MUSIC: ENDS.

DAMIEN (DISTANT): You… I can’t believe it’s really—

ARUM (DISTANT): (SIGHS) Of course it would be you. What an end to a truly catastrophic adventure. (SNORTS) I never should have left the Keep.

RILLA: That can’t be.

SOUND: FOOTSTEPS.

DAMIEN (DISTANT): I thought you were dead. He told me, the monster; I thought you were… and I lived it, oh I lived it a thousand times in a second’s space! And how can this moment’s truth be but a droplet in that endless, churning sea I’ve drowned in—

ARUM (DISTANT): Oh, stop it. If you plan to kill me, you’ll get no sympathy. I’m sorry if that hurts your “feelings,” tktktktktktktktk.

DAMIEN (DISTANT): Kill you? But… I…

ARUM (DISTANT): Your knife is drawn, honeysuckle.

SOUND: RUNNING FOOTSTEPS.

I’m a monster, not an idiot.

SOUND: BANG.

RILLA: Damien, stop!

DAMIEN: Rilla! My– my Rilla, it’s you! You’re really here, you’re—

You’re the reason I must kill this lizard, of– of course. Oh Saint Damien above, take no more of your tranquility from me… if the sight of those violet eyes is enough for me to forget my purpose, what chance do I have?

RILLA: Please, Damien. Don’t hurt him. We… I… (SIGHS) It’s so complicated. It’s all just… really complicated right now.

ARUM: I’ll say.

Hello, Amaryllis. I take it you know this knight who threatens my life?

RILLA: I do. He’s… my fiancé. My family.

DAMIEN: And this devil is your kidnapper. I will slay him. Were you truly Rilla, you would know that. An illusion, of course, you must be, but- then is that possible? I would know you anywhere, but I must slay him, it is my duty to my Citadel and to my love, that is the way of the world, I must—

ARUM: Oh, hurry along, will you? I can’t stand another second of this performance!

RILLA: Arum, stop egging him on!

DAMIEN: Aaarum… you know the creature’s name.

RILLA: I do. Damien—

DAMIEN: You say it like a friend.

RILLA: Damien, please…

DAMIEN: No, not friend. Perhaps the long-sought music of your voice deceives me, but is that… do I not hear…?

Oh, Saint Damien above, what hells must I endure before you will forgive me? What have I done, what have I done…?

RILLA: Damien. I’m safe; it’s okay. You have nothing to worry about.

DAMIEN: HA! Nothing to worry about!

ARUM: Amaryllis, this is not helping—!

SOUND: SCHING.

RILLA: Damien, stop!

DAMIEN: I’ve drawn no blood.

I am tranquil at last, Rilla. I am thinking clearly.

RILLA: No, you aren’t. You’re a wreck, Damien. You look like you’ve barely slept; you need to breathe, and think. You need to put down that knife.

DAMIEN: I will not.

Yes, yes, I think clearly; I am tranquil, now. I can see the challenges that have been placed before me and I can see, too, how they have led me to this moment. I can see it all for what it truly is: illusion.

ARUM: Oh, please.

DAMIEN: Those violet eyes… their magic corrupts all. They make a knight stray from his course, make him question his divine purpose. Brew the sweetest venom in the chambers of his heart. And if they can affect the heart, the very seat of the soul, then why not twist my eyes, as well?

You’ve made me see things.

RILLA: See things like what, Damien?

DAMIEN: Those tapestries. Those are your illusions, aren’t they, lizard? Lies of humans and monsters living together, lying together. Deceptions all… and so is she. You’ve used her as an illusion against me before, why not now?

ARUM: It would take a lot more than shriekweed for an illusion that convincing, honeysuckle.

RILLA: Think about it, Damien. Think about if you have any proof.

DAMIEN: I am tranquil! I think clear enough, and speak only what I know to be true: the world has order. It has always made sense, and so it must make sense. And if your arrival came just as sense began to crumble? You, monster, must be the cause. And if that is true, then you must die!

RILLA: Damien? Don’t move. I’m coming over there.

DAMIEN: No, you are not.

Sit down, please. Whether you be human or illusion, please: sit. I think clearly; I am tranquil now, and in my tranquility I trust in the revealing power of truth to place all things in their proper order.

ARUM: Oh, spare me—

SOUND: SCHING.

(CHOKES)

RILLA: Damien!

DAMIEN: Now, I am tranquil. And in my tranquility I know what I must do.

(DEEP BREATH) I will fulfill my duty – and cut this lizard’s throat.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.

***

SOUND: TRAIN MOVING, MUSIC.

CONDUCTOR: If you’ve enjoyed this tale, please consider donating to The Penumbra on Patreon. Our artists work tirelessly to bring you these stories, and if you have the means, we hope you will support our efforts. Every dollar helps. You can find that page at patreon.com/thepenumbrapodcast. If you support us on Patreon at the $10 level or higher, you’ll receive access to commentary tracks like this one, from actors Leslie Drescher, Melissa Ennulat, Melissa DeJesus, and co-creator Sophie Kaner:

SOUND: TRAIN STOPS, DOOR SLIDES OPEN, RAIN.

MELISSA D: …ly like I get really anxious about, taking on new characters, who knew? Haha—

SOUNDS: GIGGLES.

LESLIE: Also why I think I’m—

MELISSA D: Yeah, one of the ways that I prep is I made myself a Spotify playlist of like—

SOPHIE: Oh my god—

MELISSA D: Y’know, get in the Quanyii headspace—

SOPHIE: Oh my—

MELISSA E: You must share this, and immediately.

SOPHIE: Yes, what is on it.

MELISSA D: Um, like a lot of of it is showtunes—

MELISSA E & SOPHIE: YAAAAAAS!

MELISSA E: My life!

SOPHIE: No it’s so good—

MELISSA D: I’m a huge Lea Salonga fan—

SOUND: GASP.

MELISSA E: YAAAAAS!

SOPHIE: Yaaaaaas!

MELISSA D: Also she’s Filipino, and I’m Filipino, and it’s like a big thing for me, emotionally—

SOPHIE: Oh she’s perfect.

MELISSA E: She’s amazing in every way…

SOUND: DOOR SLIDES SHUT.

CONDUCTOR: You can also support The Penumbra by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter @thepenumbrapod, following us on Tumblr @thepenumbrapodcast, telling your friends about us, telling your friends to tell their friends about us, and especially by rating and reviewing our podcast on iTunes. Every rating, comment, and kind word spreads our stories further and inspires us to keep creating more and better tales to come.

We would like to give special thanks to all who support us on Patreon, but especially to Minchowski, Aurora Cyr, Demi Prince, Camille Blanton, Ota Arcana, Christine Kim, Rowan Collins, Garrett M, Jay Iannuzzelli, Karin Z-H, Fiona Parker, Regan, Ko, Kim Zeugin, Atha Lang, Charlie Spiegel, and Jaimie Gunter for their incredibly generous contributions per episode. Thank you.

Did you know that The Penumbra has merchandise for sale? It’s true! The Penumbra has partnered with DFTBA to bring you the posters, shirts, and pins your heart desires. Just go to dftba.com and search for The Penumbra Podcast.

This tale, the Hallowed Halls of Helicoid, was told by the following people: Melissa Ennulat as Rilla, Leslie Drescher as Sir Caroline, Melissa De Jesus as Quanyii, Jason Mellin as Talfryn, M Sutherland as Sir Angelo, Matthew Zahnzinger as Sir Damien, Glenn Moore as Judge Helicoid, Stuart Evan Smith as Porcus, Michael Underhill as Trotter, and Kate Jones as the Bailiff.

If you wish to know more about our ever-expanding, infinitely-creative team of artists, musicians, editors, designers, and managers, you can read about them in the show notes of this episode.

I’m afraid this is the end of the line for today, dear Traveler. We hope you will ride with The Penumbra again soon.

ALL SOUNDS: FADE OUT.