#@ online ppl that think we need to identify the same way cause that's how right wingers see us

[pumpumdemsugah]

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[evildnaa]

‪originally written to be posted to twitter:

the way that I feel so disconnected to the online bisexual community, or just other bi ppl my age. And maybe it’s just the general young queer community I feel disconnected from cause everytime I come on this damn app there’s more discourse, cause bi kids created a slur? instead of just thinking critically about how you use slurs, who your audience is and why you feel you need them to be funny? Or creating new labels for nonbinary people who’ve existed in sapphic and achillean spaces for ages with no issue? I get that nonbinary people would want an ungendered label to validate their identity so it def makes sense in that context if that makes them more comfortable, but nonbinary people aren’t a third gender so if they don’t feel invalidated by a “gendered” label why the fuck are people flipping shit? why are people flipping shit when an adult bisexual man reclaims the word faggot knowing his queer audience?

Maybe it’s just the lack of representation of accurate/ older bisexual representation that makes me feel like I’m in a community of teenage idiots. So often I’m just truly lost on what everyone is up in arms about and why it truly matters in terms of ensuring equity and safety for queer people. I think after being in this shit and seeing bs discourse like this for 5 yrs straight I’m really just over it yk?

My bisexual peers who hate pansexuals for simply existing are the same ones I see bashing nonbinary lesbians and forcing them into a new label thats “more validating” to identities, trying to solve a problem that doesn’t exist just like pansexuality did. Will trixic and toric nonbinary people be bashed in 5-10 years for identifying as such because all of a sudden its been deemed invalidating? Can they not see history repeating with this? I see my transmale peers bashing anyone who dare identify close to trans who doesn’t experience dysphoria, claiming xenogenders and neopronouns “make the community look ridiculous”. Do other queer teens not understand cisgender and heterosexual people will always not understand? That that’s the whole point? That they don’t understand us because they aren’t queer? Why are you so eager to appeal to the same people that oppress us and don’t care about our rights in the same ways cause they don’t Need to? Instead of understanding this community is sometimes the only thing we have to support us?

I truly can’t wait till I’m older within this community cause I Know this bs isn’t thrown around in the same way y’all do on this dumb bird app. the way y’all continue to rehash old tumblr bullshit really ceases to amaze me. For the majority of this, who the hell is it hurting? most often I see this actually hurting the queer community more then the help it claims its doing. If you feel your identity is invalidated by the existence of another, there are some other things you need to evaluate as to why you feel invalid, like systematic transphobia and homophobia that you definately have interalized, instead of immediately going to pin it on your queer peers. I cannot wait till I’m older and have literally less time to be on here cause I truly cannot stand it. I need to find some semblance of community somewhere else cause I obviously am not finding it here with people who cannot see the bigger picture.

I hope that one day I feel connected to my own communities, and feel like I know what’s actually going on in them, but I also don’t feel like that’ll be any time soon and it makes me genuinely upset. Nothing on here feels like what the community genuinely cares about in real life and its really jarring and confusing to see almost every day. I am just so exhausted. 

[fairycosmos]

I want to say....ive been the most lonely this year after my closest family member died and then my closest friend left me after. Ive been beyond strong and forcing myself to stay active and involved in others lives....but it feels like im wedging myself in. They have partners. They have best friends. They have family. Im just there when i nag them enough to spend time with me. Dunno how to ever feel better about that but i guess it beats feeling lonely AND being alone.

oh god i’m so sorry to hear that love, it really goes beyond imagination or comprehension 😔 it seems like you’ve been through so much and the fact that you were able to maintain relationships with others to any extent is something you should be so proud of. you’re right, you’ve been unbelievably resilient, and it speaks to your character to the highest degree. obviously i have a very distant and one dimensional view of you and your life, and i have no idea what it’s like to be in in your shoes, so i’m just thinking out loud here, but...it seems to me, based on this, that you’re still (understandably) in quite a strong state of grief. you can’t quite wrap your head around the hole that has been left in your life and so you feel empty when other cant fill that void. at least that’s just the initial impression i got, i could be totally wrong. but it’s true that when we’re going through such high levels of emotional turmoil we often want to find any excuse to isolate ourselves so we can just say fuck it, and i feel as though your brain may be trying to do that to you right now. it wants you to feel meaningless so it feeds you this false narrative about how ‘unwanted’ you are, despite evidence of the contrary. try to recenter yourself and hold onto a sense of rationality when possible. the presence of best friends/partners/family in other peoples lives doesn’t mean that they don’t treasure what you specifically bring to the table. no one can take your place. it doesn’t mean they don’t carry love for you too, you know? it’d be easy to believe otherwise - if you push them away, you can’t get hurt. but i really want to urge you to examine where this feeling of exclusion is coming from, whether it’s from within or an actual external source. has anyone in your life done or said anything which indicated that they don’t want to spend time with you? or could it possibly be a projection born from your own fear and insecurities? if that is the case, by the way, i want to make it clear that i’m not blaming you for it at all. i mean, i’m exactly the same way. i just think it’s a good first step to be able to identify that that is what’s going on. it’s kind of a general rule that ppl wouldn’t choose to be around you if they didn’t want to be, and the pain you’re feeling right now doesn’t change that fact. i understand wanting to come first to somebody and wanting to feel like a priority. it’s a very human desire and you absolutely deserve to experience that. and i dont doubt that you will, over and over again in your future. it’s really not as impossible it seems in this moment. you’re more than worthy. but i think it’s still healthy to be able to appreciate all of the different dynamics you have with those in your life, and all of the different ways that they show you appreciation and affection. cause even if it’s not overt, it’s still there. you still matter, more than you know. have you been able to seek any support for dealing with the loss of your family member? i know we’re all in quarantine right now, and things aren’t exactly ideal, but i really want you to know that you’re not alone. and that you don’t have to try to handle this as if you are. there are a lot of counselors, therapists and mental health professionals who are still offering online appointments, and if you’re worried about money they’re usually open to negotiating a price. there are also a lot of online communities that can offer you suggestions in terms of how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, and detailed accounts of other peoples experiences. if that feels like too much - there’s even the option of calling a mental health hotline and just working through your options with them so you have an idea of where to go from here. death is one of the hardest things in the world to come to terms with and there’s no rule book or deadline, so it’s normal to need help in processing the denial, the anger, the acceptance etc. maybe focusing on taking care of that part of you will enable you to get to a place where you can be more vulnerable with the ppl around you. in turn, making you feel closer to them. it really seems like you’re in a difficult place right now so i appreciate that this all probably seems far fetched or overwhelming, but i’m just asking you to start with yourself and your own needs first and foremost, as it’ll likely have a domino effect on how you feel about others. it’s ok to talk about what’s going on in your head. it’s ok to admit to the shame/hurt/sadness because then you can start examining where it’s coming from and whether or not your emotions are truthful. whether that’s to a friend, your doctor, a family member, even just to a diary at first - it all counts. you’re making so much more progress than you can see, i promise. not every day has to be a good one, but simply surviving and keeping in contact with those you love and care for is going to do wonders for your future self, seriously. i’m so sorry the world has been so cruel to you and i really hope you know that you’re supposed to be here and you’re supposed to be loved. if you can’t believe that right now, it’s not because it’s not true, it’s cause you’re hurting too much to see it. if you need a friend or if you want to discuss this more openly, i’ll be here. i’m sending you so much love and strength. take care.

[asleepingwindow]

As a final post on this “discourse” sideblog, I want to talk about something not specific to the ace discourse, but rather something that cuts across all groups, all people online or off. Whatever you are arguing or whatever side you are on, we as humans are prone to confirmation bias and the online world is no better place than to create echo-chambers.

I have always felt that teaching myself skepticism was one of the best things I could have done for myself. It was during that time I was also active in the atheist community, online and off. The skeptic and atheist community often overlapped and it was from these groups that I became a feminist.

New atheist groups often wonder why they are largely made up of white men, and if you challenge them on their sexism/racism etc… it becomes obvious why, which is what happened to me. I was the darling women on a majority male forum agreeing with them that religion is the source of all evil, therefore exempting atheist men from things like sexism and all other bigotries. It wasn’t until an argument about rape culture came up that I saw just how deeply misogynist some of these men were.

So my venture into skeptic and atheist groups not only taught me the scientific process and logical fallacies but it also steered me towards social justice. I am no longer friends with any of those people in real life or online. Once I became a feminist and was able to identify their sexism, I wasn’t their darling atheist spokeswoman anymore. It was another valuable lesson in the way people form their groups and their echo-chambers within. How people will ignore some really bad things just to stay included and how they will turn when someone strays. Some people may be thinking of trump supporters now, but everyone is susceptible to this type of behavior.

Fast forward a few years later, but still a few years ago and I had to deal with a callout on an anonymous forum I moderated bc they monitored my tumblr and I made the sin of reblog from and being in mutuals with the wrong people, (who were just ppl they didn't like including people I’ve since met IRL.) I was dubbed a transphobe not for anything I explicitly said or did that was transphobic, it was guilt by association. Had to leave the forum, as this was also invitation to make up other horrible things I never did bc they could and now ppl were ready to believe.

This is around the time TERF started catching on, and while I certainly agree with calling out transphobia in feminism (I would never insist a trans woman is male, I think thats a violent act against trans women! And I despise it being done in the name of feminism) but at the same time it turned into a witch hunt for anyone who talked about sex-based oppression that even ended up attacking other trans woman for not towing a certain Tumblr rhetoric on these issues!

I’m no LGBT elder by any means, but I have been online since I was about 12 and I’m 32 now. I remember a time when the internet was far more horrible on SJ matters but also far more anonymous. People never dropped their real name; now one of the biggest social media sites requires it. And before that even happened I still saw a lot of petty bullshit happening online that wound up really hurting people IRL. So now with it easier to find out who people are and where they live, I can only imagine how online drama has ruined lives. We know it has driven people to suicide, and so as fun as it is to get self righteously angry at people for whatever your cause is, there’s still a person at the other end and no one’s perfect.

I am truly disturbed at how incredibly cliquey SJ groups are online, how callout posts aren’t for extreme racist sexist bigots, but for some drama I can’t even parse in their so called “proof”. And then you have activists on this site who block anyone who disagrees with them so their criticisms can’t show up in the notes. Some even go so far as dox people now for daring to disagree! K(And let’s be clear, I shed no tears for literal nazis being doxxed and losing their job, that’s just not what I’m seeing)

It’s easy, its human nature to fall into social pressures and conform to whatever the Big Names in your group are saying without question and to defend an absurd position based on emotional attachment than logical assessment. And we know it’s also easy to fall into a mob mentality and scapegoat people for all our problems. It’s also super fucking easy to plead mental illness and pretend you should be allowed to say anything you want without criticism, something that I hate so much as one who suffers from many mental issues including anxiety. (That’s why I created rules for myself when arguing online so I didn’t end up giving myself panic attacks over an internet edge lord)

I say this knowing I have participated in this behavior myself as well as having been a victim of it. But a lot in my life has changed and I am an older and sicker… and still likely to make similar mistakes. Point is I have learned and I have trained myself to not to fall into these traps and it does help. Experience is one hell of a teacher but it doesn’t have to be the only one.

No one can know if they are 100% right on any given issue, we all have our convictions for a reason. The difference is are you willing to listen to dissent? Are you willing to challenge your opinion and put it to the test? Or do you make block lists and shun anyone who entertains any different opinion? (a classic tactic amongst anti-vax groups when a parent sees the science) My convinction of many of my beliefs comes from the fact I have argued them over and over again, discharging beliefs that did not pass the test, while strengthening my arguments for and belief in those that do.

Make no mistake, when it does come to the so called “discourse” both sides can be guilty of this shit. I claim no purity. And I am in no way implying that we tolerate hate groups and violent hate speech, like those of nazis bc unfortunately nazis are actually relevant again, but I am saying some of you need a reality check on what that exactly entails, because a lesbian speaking her truth is not it.

And for god sakes don’t put teens on block lists, you know it invites harassment, you fucking know it.

[kyasrein]

1-30

1.if someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

Read: The Raven cycle Watch: the prestige, tangled, and the price of Egypt. Listen to: musicals and idk 21 pilots probably. I’m bad about music.

2.have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? if so, who?

I think so? Idiopathicsmile wrote two les mis stories that I just…. I #relate at least a little bit to every character. I adore their Grantaire from world ain’t ready.

3.list your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

Ahhh sorry I’m in a lot Haikyuu: daichi or yams, I was a clutch server and defensive specialist in highschool, so they just fit. Rvb: Wash was the first character I connected with. Bnha: I have only seen the anime, but Izuku is so rad.Raven cycle: Gansey or Ronan Tfc: Dan, probably. Or Renee. Overwatch: D.Va maybe. Check please: my heart says nurse, my anxiety says jack. (My art degree in the works says Lardo) Taz: lololol ya kno probably merle Hxh: kurapika is my fave, but I think I’m most like gon. Voltron: pidge Star Trek: Kirk. Idgaf if he’s similar to me I wanna captain the most beautiful ship into the stars with my bf(s) (I’m stopping it here there are probably more but that’s okay)

4.do you like your name?  is there another name you think would fit you better?

I think Kate is super boring, but I’m so used to it that I can’t imagine anything different.

5.do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? do you identify yourself by the things you do?

I’m not entirely sure, but I definitely think what we do in life, how we love and what we put our efforts into shape us. 

6.are you religious/spiritual?

yes

7.do you care about your ethnicity? 

not really

8. what musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?are you an artist?

I’m not gonna lie, edgy music has always been my cup of tea. But I don’t connect easily with music, I don’t think I have the attention span for it.

9. are you an artist?

Yup! I’m studying animation rn.

10. do you have a creed?

Be kind, don’t be afraid to ask for help, don’t make your issues your friends issues. (Take very little shit)

11. describe your ideal day.

I love feeling productive, but I also really get lonely when I don’t socialize, so finishing a commission then having a party with my friends (there is nothing that brings ppl together like tipsy overwatch).

12. dog person or cat person?

Super Cat person, but I’m okay with both!

13.inside or outdoors?

Outdoors if no mosquitos. Indoors if windows and natural light.

14. are you a musician?

Not even a little bit 😬😬

15. five most influential books over your lifetime.

Great Gatsby, Avalon: web of magic, Raven cycle, Percy Jackson, warrior cats books

16. f you’d grown up in a different environment, do you think you’d have turned out the same?

Honestly, not at all. A lot of my quirks come from my upbringing. My basic personality might be the same, but my interests are very much so things from my childhood. My relationship with school/ anxiety over grades might be different also.

17. would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?what’s your patronus?

Yeah, probably. I’m not super consistent with my interests irl either 😂

18. would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the “real you”?what’s your patronus?

A stoat, according to the test.

19. which Harry Potter house would you be in? or are you a muggle?

I took the test twice cause wanted to make another account, and I got Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. I hope I’m not a muggle 😅

20. would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?

Hogwarts or Pokémon world. Or Star Trek word (even though is probably die but at least it would be in space)

21. do you love easily?

Not romantically.

22. ist the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.

Social media (tumblr, insta, Facebook)ArtReadingSocializing (online and off) YouTube

23.how often would you want to see your family every year?

i kinda like how it works now, which is a little half and half.

24. how often would you want to see your family every year?

I think so, but I’m not sure.

25.could you live as a hermit?

Nope nope nope nope nope nope nope I need to be able to talk to people.

26. how would you describe your gender/sexuality?

Cis, but besides that It’s kinda in the works? Definitely asexual, more than likely Aromantic. After those two, Maybe bi or pan? There is an aesthetic trend to the people I have been slightly interested in, but that’s all.

27. do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the “real you”?

Nah. I forget what I look like a lot. I cut my hair short and that helped, but it’s still doesn’t feel like it fits famously.

28. on a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?

Lololol that depends on what they say and who they are. I think people who are close to you can often say the stuff that hurts the worst, cause they might know what your insecure abt.

29. three songs that you connect with right now.

Forever- dear Evan HansenWords fail- dear Evan Hansen Car radio- 21 pilots

30.pick one of your favorite quotes.

Ahhh I have a lot. I think it was by Clive James, but “history is the story of things the needn’t have ever been that way” and by Isak Dinesen “perhaps he knew, as I did not, the earth was made round so we would not see to far down the road.”