#[ but then wanted to charge nothing for the originals and i’m like… y’all getting 50% off the top ] | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

simbelene · 3 years

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Deborah Hauzz: Scamming the Kids Once Again!

Nothing new to see here folks, just Deborah Hauzz continuing to scam her friends and followers out of their hard earned money (bless theirs hearts and bank accounts)

Don’t you know we can see you?! It’s not like she’s doing this to Amazon or Walmart. These are other small creators that she’s stealing business from. That’s just unacceptable!

I can’t make this shit up!

You call me a vigilante and you thought I wouldn't notice this shit?! Debbie, what in the assbackwards are you doing?! 🤦🏾‍♀️

She’s over here playin with your money 💸💸💸 If you ever needed a good example of her just not giving a flying fuck ⬆ this is it!

Allow me explain why this is a problem:

So let’s say you bought that room in July. Downloaded it and whatnot. Time passes and you computer crashes and you loose all of your CC. Including this room. So you go back to Hauzz’s Patreon to re-download the room (because at the time, you paid for it. Flashback to Debbie saying: “I paid for it, it’s mine!”) and now you can’t download it. Why? Because now it’s only available to upper tier patrons. Now, you can message Hauzz and hope that she sends you a link, though she might go the “it’s gonna cost you extra” route and make you pay for it again. I wouldn’t put it past her. OR you could just get it from the source and have it indefinitely. I only assume it works like how Origin works. Once you buy it, unlimited downloads. And they have sales quite often. So you have an opportunity to save even more money!

Debbie gives zero fucks as long as she’s gettin paid 🤷🏾‍♀️

This is no better! And you just know she really thought she was doing something

Imagine paying twice as much for unoriginal content. #yikes

Her friends and followers are getting dealt this hand y’all. And bless their hearts, they don’t seem to be too bothered. Debbie’s got that blind loyalty on lock! More power to you I guess. I’m just sayin, if my friends were willing to support me, I wouldn’t be out here scamming them out of their money.

The originals are still available here: Duchesse Bedroom | Movie Theater| Santorini| Atlantis Suite

Mind you, CGtrader likes to run sales pretty often.

So if you wait for a sale, you’ll get it for even cheaper! I already know she be buying them on sale and then flip them on her Patreon with a 50% markup. #ThatsIllegal

Imagine the extra blender rooms you could buy with the money you save by switching to buying from the source!

Why are y’all subbed to her Patreon again?

With all that being said, the problem isn’t the price Debbie. The problem is that you’re charging people for these rooms PERIODT. I’ve already explained this to you plain as day last time. I explained royalty free and everything. I guess at this point we need to get translator up in here or something because she’s not getting it #BlessHerHeart

She doesn’t seem to be the brightest crayon in the box, so can somebody go break it down for her. Spell out all out. Use small words. Clearly she needs some extra special help understanding what’s going on here. It’s fine. We all need a little a help sometimes. Somebody send her some tutorials on how to run a business. Someone direct her to a youtuber that can teach how to Patreon properly. You’ll be doing the world a favor 🙏🏾

Debbie, just cause you changed the price, doesn’t make it right. You’re still scamming people sis.

What part of that has got you confused? Tell me because I want you to understand.

Listen, Debbie you can keep this up if you want to, I’ve already sent an email with links and screenshots to Patreon. That damage has already been done.

I can’t do much, but I can blast your ass on the internet! I can make people aware of your shit!

You can remove the room right now, and it can be done and over with. But knowing you it’s gonna take a scarlet letter from Patreon to get you to do anything 🙄 C’est la vie

You can keep stealing and I can keep exposing.

Like Cap said:

Honestly, why cant you be like your BFF Valerie? She knows how to leave credit.

It’s not hard. But I guess for you it is. I’m sorry that something so simple as leaving a link is so difficult for you to do. I can’t even imagine. What life you must live. I’m not asking for much. Just leave some credit. You make it seem like I’m asking you solve world hunger or something. It ain’t that deep. People do it everyday.

If you need someone to help you out, there’s plenty of tutorials on google on how to leave a link. And if google doesn’t help idk what to tell you sis. #BlessYourHeart

TL;DR: Deborah, if you need help, just say that

P.S.: If haven’t already, go check out my response to the last time

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johnseedfanclub · 3 years

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microscope, mixtape, ufo, and parachute for Angel please!!

okay....This one’s quiiiiite lengthy sorry about that 😅😅😅

Thanks for the ask! ♥️

Hope y’all like this one~

microscope: zoom in – describe the little, insignificant details about an OC.

Angel loves Thai iced tea and sweet drinks! He only drinks coffee for the caffeine but doesn’t actually like coffee (he prefers his with a lot of sugar/flavoring to cover up the bitter coffee taste)

Angel wishes he could have a pet but is scared he might hurt them with his bad mood swings

He secretly loves and wants plushies. He also has an attachment to them but never admits it because he’s “too old” for them.

His type is brunette, charming, suave, rich/wealthy men (not literally but is a nice add on yk~) , with light colored eyes (coincidentally it sounds like John but he can’t stand him)

Actually acts out/badly for a bit of attention he usually does it for shits and giggles but does it to receive a reaction out of someone whether it be from the person he’s talking to or the audience watching

He actually wishes people gave him more affection and reassurance. He never truly knows how much his friends appreciate him an a lot of times he feels like they don’t much. He doesn’t tell them the truth though because he doesn’t want to come off as jealous, needy or as an “attention seeker”

Likes dressing feminine more than masculine. He absolutely HATES men’s clothing Hawaiian shirts, turtlenecks, tuxedos/formal wear are the only exceptions (he would pretend to like the boxes of men’s clothing he would receive from friends as gifts. Would never even wear them. Maybe once if he doesn’t want to hurt their feelings)

Canonically he is “blonde” but he’s actually a brunette (light brown hair) but likes to dye his hair blonde instead

ufo: identity! what are some key identifying qualities or traits of your OC(s)? how to they identify in regards to gender/sexuality?

Special Qualities: his personality. Angel has a very unique personality compared to everyone he knows. He has this funny, mean/sarcastic, chill vibe to him. He always teases and plays around with his friends, not to mention he’s quite blunt and honest with anyone (even more harsh to people who annoy him). And though he seems like a small angry chihuahua at times, he’s a real sweetheart to everyone. He is never afraid to try anything new, no matter now fucking crazy or dangerous it may be he’s totally down to do it. That’s why both Eden’s Gate and the Resistance fear

Good Traits: He’s comedic (even at the worst times or when you need it), is the best at throwing house parties (even at 30 years old), he can help you with any favor it doesn’t even matter what it is (almost impossible to ask him of something he can’t do), he’ll take care of you when you’re sick/hungover/injured/depressed/having a panic attack, he’s a great cook and willing to share whatever he makes with anyone (if there’s enough), and he’s always generous (a big gift giver)

Bad Traits: He can a bit overly aggressive/rude (sometimes accidentally), he’s bad at remembering/keeping tract of things (he knows everyone’s favorite animal but totally forgets their birthdays and/or names), tends to crack under too much (bad) pressure and become extremely aggressive or violent, holds in his true feelings and emotions, has really bad mood swings, can be easy to piss off, can be too loud (mouthed) at times

Sexuality: Gay (attracted to men)

Gender identity: depends on the way he dresses/his mood normally he prefers he/him/they/them but if he dresses more feminine (wears makeup, tight dresses, feminine accessories) you could call him by she/him, or even they/them. (No pronoun preferences when he cross dresses)

#squad: who’s friends with who? what are the squad dynamics like?

Angel has few friends outside Hope County. The main people he’s friends with are Mary May, Jerome, Staci Pratt, Sharky Boshaw, Hurk Drubman Jr, Adelaide, Faith Seed, the Angel Twins (Jeremiah and Isaiah), the Whitetails, and a few of the peggies of Eden’s Gate

The only squads that Angel are apart of are

Sharky + Hurk = The Bomb Squad

Peggies = Eden’s “Gays”

Angel, Sharky, and Hurk are like the best and worst pairing. They’re all sweet, funny, and humble but can be obnoxious and destructive as FUCK. Anytime they go somewhere to find/finish some mission. It always ends in them leaving a trail of either, fire, gunpowder, or an explosion of some sort (either vehicle, silo, bliss tank, or outpost/building). Don’t even ask or mention what they do for leisure time. More crazy stunts and tricks that could put any normal person with a normal brain in the ER in critical condition. And at the bar? Jesus Christ. They order enough alcohol to kill 5 men but somehow make it through the night. And if they aren’t drinking, they’re sure as hell smoking weed or whatever the fuck Sharky has been brewing in his trailer (it’s most likely a 50/50 chance that you’ll pass out or die from it). They’re definitely one crazy ass group, nothing you would ever even expect, not even out of a crazy...Hollywood...Michael Bay movie. A feminine Latino city gay, an old cheery bomb-rocket enthusiast, and a insane pyromaniac that has a warrant. There definitely isn’t a dull moment with these three. But...you’re good as gone if you’re stuck with them for more than 11 minutes.

Angel and the Eden’s “Gays” are a pretty decent sized group of 6 men (plus the Twins some days) that are the few queer men of Eden’s Gate. Originally they seemed quite closeted because of the cult’s religion and some of its rules. But with Angel around they soon became another loud, obnoxious group of men. Before the whole group was “founded” the original 6 peggies (including John Seed himself) didn’t like Angel at all because of how loud and “out” he seemed (not to mention the carelessness). But as Angel visited the bunkers more often (after he was kidnapped by John) they slowly grew fond of him. Angel would always do kind gestures to learn more about Eden’s followers by helping them with chores, tasks, bringing them food and treats from outside the compound (though he wasn’t supposed to), and even help them find comfort in their own troubles. Though Angel liked a lot of the members he really favored 6 different followers in particular Connor, Michael, Anthony, Jace, and Jefferey (those who were the first followers he interacted with). Now they’re known as Eden’s Gays troublemakers. They sneak out to the Spread Eagle to drink, host secret parties in Hope County, and smoke as well. There isn’t a moment where they aren’t breaking the cult’s rules. They’re the only group of peggies some of the resistance members trust mostly because Angel made a rule of not attacking or harming them and actually enjoy being around. They’re definitely always getting into trouble with both sides too, much like Angel, starting small fights during church/sermons, fooling around on the job, or going around Hope County not to attack the locals but pester the living shit out of them. They almost stop being violent mean peggies and instead just become this goofy comedic group of young men. (Fun Fact: the “Eden’s Gays” were actually a thing before the cult became hostile *during its first few years in Hope County* and John was mostly the “leader” of the crazy group)

mixtape: 5 songs that describe your OC(s) or songs they themselves would like.

Ohohohooooo~

(The possibilities are endless for this one so I’m sticking to a Baddie playlist he would listen to)

May I ~ Flo Mili

Literal Legend ~ Ayesha Erotica

Yikes ~ Nicki Minaj

I like it ~ Cardi B

Sway With Me ~ Saweetie & GALAXARA

parachute: who does your OC(s) trust the most? who makes them feel safe? who would they do absolutely anything for?

Missy (my U.S. Marshal oc), is one of the few people he trusts the most. During the time from when he was arrested to when he was released out of jail (and transferring to Hope County Jail), she was always like a mother figure to him. And though she was supposed to investigate Angel’s murder and drug charges, she treated him kindly and respect, instead of a criminal. Without Missy, Angel might as well been as good as dead since she was the one that helped him move to a psychiatric ward instead of federal prison after discovering who he really was. Even after he was released, Missy still treated him as if he was her own son. She allowed him to stay at her penthouse apartment when Angel told her his father had disown him and he had no where to go. She always cared about him, made sure he ate, drank water, took care of himself, and even helped him get a better mindset. Though Angel still teases Missy by calling her “Mama Bear (Missy)” or “Mother Goose (or hen)” he’s forever grateful she was always there for him.

#deputy oc headcanons #farcry oc headcanons #farcry oc #far cry 5 oc #oc: angel sanchez #far cry deputy #deputy oc #far cry 5 #fc5 #far cry #john seed #jacob seed #joseph seed #farcry 5 #far cry fandom #far cry fanfiction

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izzy-b-hands · 4 years

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You Send Me: Chapter Eight

Tag List: @xmxisxforxmaybe

Did I seriously include the song this fic is named for in the fic? Of course I did lol. Part of this fic is self-indulgence, another bit is wanting to write good fic y’all will enjoy, and the other part is getting more people to listen to Sam Cooke.

Also, much like Freddie, I’m a gay who can’t drive. I’ve had a few lessons on an automatic, was too terrified to learn stick at all, so if the driving in this chapter is questionable...yeah. There’s a reason I made description in that section brief lol. In my defense, Freddie is also involved in that portion, so this is the blind leading the blind here, but doing their best. Points if you notice the real life driving mistake I made when I had lessons that I included in this fic!

My love to all who read/like/reblog!

“Come dance!” Freddie, usually shy in public, was officially drunk enough to be less shy, and it was adorable.

Until now.

“I don’t dance,” you insisted. “I’m content to watch you lot go.”

“You said you like Sam Cooke,” he protested, pointing at the jukebox, which at this bar held almost exclusively ‘50s and ‘60s sock bop sounding pop music. “That’s what’s playing, and what we have queued up. Come on, let yourself have some fun!”

Blessedly, it switched to a slower favorite of yours, You Send Me, as Freddie pulled you out of your seat. This, you knew you could manage.

And with no one there aside from the bar staff, the band, and the crew, you could actually enjoy it, letting your arms wrap around Freddie to hold him close while you swayed. It maybe wasn’t ‘dancing’ exactly, but it was lovely, and his smile was well worth it.

“I bet you can sing this well,” Freddie mumbled. “I want you to sing it for me. Go on.”

“Freddie,” you blushed. “Maybe later.”

“Later,” he nodded. “Fine. In the next hotel room, you’re going to sing for me.”

You shook your head and laughed. “Sure. If we’re both awake by then.”

Even though you were refraining from drinking more than a sip of whatever Freddie was having, you figured you would still be exhausted from running about with them. They were fun, but energetic fun, more than you were used to from working the same venue each night.

The crew fell away from their professional personas as well, and you chuckled as you drifted with the group to the next bar, one arm holding Freddie close and mostly upright, the other tugging John in line, as he would turn to look at whatever caught his eye as you went down the road, and would occasionally forget to continue walking as he did.

Crystal and Roger were mostly holding each other up, and Brian was trying to tally exactly how much each of you had already had to drink, in what seemed to be an attempt to ensure no one got any drunker. Adorably, he kept getting distracted by the sky, desperately working to point out various stars and constellations to whoever was closest to him, disparaging the brightness of the city lights that made them hard to see.

You could only compare it to kittens, or puppies, let loose in a yard for the first time. Interested in everything, with unsteady legs, barely able to recall exactly what their original goal in moving was.

Somehow, the next bar still agreed to serve you all, though you again found yourself not wanting to drink much at all. It was more fun watching everyone else get sloshed, the playful barking at each other over the drinking competitions that started over already half-drunk pints of beer. Besides that, someone would need to have most of their mind present to get everyone back to the van.

The idea was to drive right away, and make the two or so hours to Kalamazoo so everyone could rest before the show. However, the more everyone partied, the more you wondered if that was an achievable goal.

Sure enough, getting them back to the van was chore enough.

“I’m not ready for the van,” John mumbled. “I hate that thing.”

“You helped pick it out,” you giggled.

He was draped over your shoulder, feet stumbling along, trying to hold hands with Freddie behind your back. “I know. It was cheapest, and safest, but it’s so ugly. You know, you know, it won’t even be the booze that makes me sick, it’ll be the interior of it.”

“It’ll be the booze for me,” Freddie said cheerfully, before patting you on the back and stumbling to the nearest trash can on the corner. It sounded painful, but he grinned even as he stumbled back. “No more for me. Too much, much too much already. That’s a funny word, much...”

John groaned as Freddie continued to rhapsodize about the word ‘much’, and you focused on keeping them both walking.

Granted, the trail you were following was an odd one, with Brian and Roger and the crew leaning on each other just ahead of you, laughing and walking in anything but a straight line. More importantly, you didn’t recognize anything around you.

“Lads?” you asked.

No response, everyone was in their own little world.

“Guys?”

Nothing, but Freddie let his face fall against your neck and mumbled something that sounded like “What?”

“Are we going the wrong way?”

Brian was the one to stop dead, so fast that Roger smacked straight into his back. “This isn’t where the van is.”

“No,” you said slowly. “I think it’s back the way we came. I think, at least.”

Had Brian been sober, you figured he would have led the charge back the other way. But drunk Brian was easier to panic, and panic he did, dropping to sit on the nearest curb.

“How’re we going to get back? I don’t know where we are, and if you don’t know where we are,” he threw up his arms in apparent frustration. “Then we’re done for.”

“I don’t know about that,” you said, and tried to swing John and Freddie with you to a payphone on the other side of the road. “How about I call the driver, hm? Maybe he can just drive and find us.”

“Y’mean me?” the crew member that usually drove popped out from behind Crystal, nearly tripping as he did.

“Oh for pity’s sake,” you muttered. “Did you all forget we have to drive to Kalamazoo before the morning?”

Mentioning the next city’s name was a mistake, because it utterly destroyed them.

“What a stupid fucking name,” Roger laughed, slipping to sit down by Brian. “Like kazoo. Or harmonica. I’m going to name a city Timpani.”

“You’re going to buy a city just for that?” Brian asked.

Roger shrugged. “What better reason to buy one?”

“Property taxes,” John said decisively, earning another round of laughter, but as far as you could tell he was deadly serious.

“Okay,” you said. “I technically have a license. I’ve never driven a van, or much at all, but I can do this.”

Only Freddie seemed to glom onto what you were going to do. “Are you going to leave us here, and go get it?”

“Don’t have a lot of other choice, love,” you replied, and helped him and John to the curb. “Just stay put, make sure no one is sick all over themselves, and soon enough we’ll have you on the van, alright?”

“I should come with you,” Freddie insisted, struggling to his feet. “I’ve only had...I didn’t count the drinks, but that’s fine. You can drive, I’ll just help you drive well.”

“Freddie, you don’t know how to drive at all!” Roger called.

“Well, technically I don’t either,” you admitted. “I mean, my granddad bribed the instructor to pass me...and I have been in a car, behind the wheel before...for an afternoon, at least...”

You looked down at the sensation of John’s hand on your leg.

“I believe in you,” he said, again so serious you would have thought this matter was life-or-death. “Bring us our ugly fucking van.”

“It isn’t that bad, John,” you sighed. “You’ve got to forgive yourself for that, my man. You really do.”

You left them then, Freddie stumbling along beside you, and pondered exactly how different a van might be compared to a car, and hoped to god it wasn’t a stick.

“Driving is overrated,” he mumbled as you took him by the arm, keeping him close so he wouldn’t get lost in the small crowds on the sidewalk. “But flying is expensive. How do people get around in this country?”

“You drive, or you find the money to fly, or you hope there’s a train or subway in your area,” you replied. “Or in my case, you walk when you can, and are incredibly thankful and kind to those who provide you with rides when you need them.”

He looked thoughtful for a moment. “That’s why your thighs are so big. I mean I like that, that they are. But it’s the walking. Lots of muscle. Good thighs, those. I wish we had a hotel room tonight, so I could appreciate them properly.”

You blushed, grateful that the people out and about didn’t seem to give a shit about the two of you wandering, and Freddie speaking less than quietly, though you didn’t think he was aware of that in his current state. “Maybe once you’ve sobered up, hm? If we make it to Kalamazoo on time, and all.”

He nodded, only to suddenly dash away from you as you approached the venue, lurching towards the van.

“Please be careful!” you called, patting yourself down for the van keys.

The keys that were not in any of your pockets.

Because they were with the driver, back many streets away.

“Freddie,” you said softly as you watched him struggle with the van door. “Have you ever picked a lock?”

----

“We owe Roger one,” Freddie sighed as you finally clambered into the van. “I’ve never been so glad he liked breaking into my hotel rooms.”

Roger’s method, at least part of it taught to Freddie, had been enough to crack the lock and let you in. As a bonus, it has also sobered Freddie up a decent amount.

He settled into the passenger seat and watched you sit behind the wheel. “So. You have driven before, at least once?”

You nodded. “It didn’t go great, but I have.”

He nodded slowly, matching your nods, as if that would somehow make the van go on its own, as the two of you stared at the steering wheel. “By didn’t go great...”

“I was supposed to do a three point turn on a really narrow dirt road, and sort of ended up more in the ditch than on the road. My granddad had to help me get it back on the road, yelling the whole time, it was horrid, honestly.”

“Can sort of see why you don’t drive more, knowing that,” Freddie said. “But you’ve got this.”

You sighed, and then realized that, without the keys, the van would not go anywhere. “Oh fucking hell.”

Freddie fumbled with the glove compartment, and tossed an extra set of keys to you. “Thank god we paid extra for those. Never thought we’d need them, but here we are.”

Getting out of the lot was easy enough; it was a big open area with no other vehicles in it at the time.

Detroit traffic, however, was a different beast.

“I literally would kill to be doing anything else,” you muttered.

“As long as it isn’t me you would kill,” Freddie chuckled. “But I get it, this is...not great. Let’s not say bad.”

But it was bad. You crept forward as much as you could manage, only to get not a single spot you were fast enough to drive into so you could join the traffic.

“Maybe you’re overthinking it,” Freddie said gently. “I don’t know that this is really right, but next time you see an opening, just gun it? I suppose?”

“Anything is better than sitting here,” you replied, and the next chance you got, you took.

Thankfully, it seemed Detroit drivers weren’t unused to sloppy driving. Sure, ninety percent of them were flipping you off, but you were in your lane, obeying the speed limit, and braking with enough room (maybe too much, at a few stops, but you preferred that to accidentally hitting anyone.)

Even so, you had to nearly ask Freddie to pry your white-knuckled hands off the steering wheel once you’d reached the rest of your group and parked in the lot of the bar nearest to them.

“Are you good to drive?” you asked the driver as he led the rest over.

“Sure,” he replied, while you watched everyone else make their way into the van.

“No, really,” you said. “Traffic is terrible here, if you aren’t sober enough, then we need to wait.”

He muttered something under his breath, too low for you to hear, but nodded. “Fine. We’ll be close on time, but we’ll see if we can sleep it off here for a bit.”

You headed for the van, only to dash away as John came running back out of it, making it a good few feet away before he lost his stomach over the pavement.

“I told you it would be the interior,” he said, as he tried to wave away your hands.

“Let me at least help you up,” you insisted, and it was a relief when he let you grab him and carefully pull him up. You managed a quick wave to Freddie, who watched as you helped John back onto the van.

He looked tired, and like the beginnings of a hangover were starting to claw at him, but he smiled as he looked on, and that made the whole situation better.

Though you were still incredibly glad you wouldn’t have to drive the van to Kalamazoo yourself. The streets of Detroit had been more than enough, thank you very much.

#text post #LeeH writes #Queen band fic #freddie mercury x reader #freddie mercury x male reader

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lifeofbouyd · 6 years

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Vacay - Tropical Bliss

Overhearing a conversation in the bar.

I think it’s best you shut up Jen, you talk too much. I didn’t book my ticket to come to sit in a hotel and do nothing. I came here to enjoy the sun, the food, the rum and get some Caribbean dick before going back. If you wanna sit here and do nothing that’s your business, I wanna get wild tonight.

A few seconds into hearing them debate over vacation plans I had asked the bartender for something strong, as I needed to wash away my “X”. 2 shots of tequila, 1 shot Henny, 1 shot Vodka, 2 bananas, and some fruit juice. He whipped it up and poured it out in a tall glass, handing me a slice of lime and some salt on my hand.

Bartender: I call this the Chemical X. Drink it slowly then eat the lime and the salt.

I thought he was joking because he said that for every drink he had made before. But there was something spooky about this one, looking like some lab project about to explode.

If you can drink this in two gulps I’ll personally pay you $50 USD. By the time he said that the entire bar was looking at us. I’m never one to back from a challenge and even tho this seemed like suicide I was already feeling dead so no. I smelled the cup then turned it to my head. “Chug chug chug chug chug” they chanted. By the time I drank the last drop, but the lime and tasted the salt; my body was out of breath. It was harsh on my chest and felt like it was gonna stop my heart from beating. (((((Cough,cough,cough))))) I couldn’t stop coughing. The bartender threw me a bottle of water and I turned it to my head while a lady knocked my back. My eyes were filled with water and steam fumed from my ears.

Bartender: I can’t believe you did that without stopping. Holy shit. You are something else. He dipped for his wallet and placed a sharp $50 bill under my glass.

Foxy: Hi, I’m foxy from California what’s your name? I looked around to only see it was the girl who’d been talking about getting Caribbean dick. Staring at me from head to toe and smiling with my muscles. You work out?

Me: I’m Bouyd, I was born sexy

Foxy: Well, I’m here for a week and I’m single. How much will it cost for you to show me a good time? I got tons of money.

Me: Well I’m not up for sale, but I’m here for a week too. We can hang at no charge.

She took my phone, dialed her number and save it as “Mr. Caribbean”. She said she was gonna take a shower then hit the club later on. That was my original plan but seeing that she wanted my company made it even more fun. I grabbed my $50 and another shot of tequila before running off to my room. My room was facing the ocean on the fourth floor, one of the hotel’s best views. I rearranged my stuff and ordered a bottle of Moët on ice. After taking a long shower she messaged me, wanting to know what room I was in. I shot her the info and within three minutes she had reached my door. I opened the door to a goddess, a totally different person than I had seen in the bar. I couldn’t tell if it was the makeup or if I was drunk but she was damn pretty. She had the figure of a model, standing no more than five feet tall with golden blonde hair. She made herself at home while I got myself together. I premeditated all the things I wanted to do to her, but by the time I got out, her friend was there. Two hot chicks sitting in my bed watching movies. My smile touched my ears as soon as I realized what they were really up to. They popped the Moët and within minutes it was empty. I rolled us some scliffs then dragged my Versace shoe on and headed out.

The hotel provided a shuttle and I was reserved VIP seats. Been a regular guest I got treated like a king. A bottle of champagne, some weed and even some other girls the entertainment guys had lined up for me to meet. We rolled into the party like we owned the place. Approximately 25 if not 30 of us. The selector was whipping up a storm of old dancehall hits and the crowd was feeling it. Before long they were tipsy 🥴. Acting like crack heads. This was their first time smoking weed and drinking Hennessy and that shit hit them hard. Ashley started biting on my pants front, demonstrating how she wants to blow me while Victoria was whining on me from behind. As good as that felt I wanted them sober. I just don’t have it in me to fuck a drunk 🥴. I started handing them bottles of water to calm them down, but the other guys wanted them drunk as fuck. I then realized they were up to no good. I grabbed three of the other girls who were drunk as “bats” and grabbed a cab back to the hotel. Five girls, one king size bed and I didn’t even know what room they were staying in so I could take them to their rooms. I spread all five across the bed and made myself at home in the couch with a scliff, Law and Order and some Hennessy I had left from the day before. I closed my eyes for what I thought was a minute, but by the time I opened my eyes it was 9:30 am. They were still knocked the fuck out looking as if they were dead.

Me: Y’all need to wake the fuck up before I throw some water on y’all ass.

They mumbled showing signs of life which were more than a relief for me. Five dead white girls in my bed would be the headline story. I took me a shower and ordered us breakfast. The room service guys stood steering at all five women in bed.

Guy: Bomboclath bad bwoy, a so yu dae “terble”. Five white gyal one time. Yuh green cyaad sure.

I chuckled and gave him a tip while waking them up. To their surprise, they still had their clothes on and I was gentleman enough to order them breakfast. It would seem this was strange to them that they didn’t get dick after been so high. They spent most the morning in my room talking about their bumass boyfriends back home, and how they’ve never felt a black dick. I just sat there drinking and looking at the planes coming in across the sea.

Jessy: Bouyd, have you ever slept with a foreigner?

Me: Not to my knowledge

Mel: If you got the chance, which of us would you fuck? I smiled and noticed all five as they were eager to hear. Well?

Me: Mmmmm, to be honest, I’d fuck all five if given the chance. I really wouldn’t know who to choose.

Mel: Be careful what you wish for Mr. Man, you might just wind up with five big butt chicks on yo dick tonight. I couldn’t help but laugh at the thought of having all five at once. I didn’t really entertain the conversation as I thought it was just a joke. They all came back after showering and we headed to the beach to have some fun. While in the water noticed they kept whispering to each other. What the fuck they up? Mmmm. I swam all the way to the beach line and they did the same. Surrounded by all five girls I kept wondering what they were up to but couldn’t come to a conclusion. Jessy disappeared under the water while I was distracted and to my surprise, she was holding my legs pulling herself up to my waist. She flipped my dick right into her mouth. As dead and cold as it was, it grew instantly into a big cucumber down her throat. Holy shit, she was some different type of freak, an underwater freak. A mermaid 🧜‍♀️ if you asked me. She was down there almost two minutes before pulling up for air. One after the other, they took turns, passing it around like a bottle of wine. Sucking and licking before taking a deep breath after a deep throat. Now, I received multiple blow jobs long before that, but I ain’t ever get no sloppy job under water. This was some next level kinda shit. As good as it felt I was still worried about what people would say if they realized what they were doing. I’d be considered a king which would be good, but l didn’t want that kind of attention. At least not on the beach.

I went back to my room after cumin in the water. All this excitement had made me dizzy. I rolled us some scliffs and pulled a Henny from the fridge. Halfway through the glass, I had fallen asleep, forgetting I even had company. I was sea deep in my sleep when I felt as if someone was sucking my dick. Was it a dream, was it reality, who could be sucking my dick in my sleep? I slowly opened my eyes to see Mel and Jessy sharing my joystick, giving it mouth to mouth to get it stiff. They looked high as fuck. I laid there motionless with my eyes half open watching them get to work. Mel turned her half-empty cup to her head and kept a cube of ice in her mouth. She whispered something to my dick the ran her tongue from the root to the head. An ice-cold deep throat was the outcome. I jumped when the ice touched the head. Holy shit, she gave me a brain freeze 🥶.

Jessy: I told you that would raise the dead. You owe me twenty bux.

They had given me a jump start and to be honest, I had never been so hard before. It’s as if I was sporting a different dick.

Jessy: Let’s roll on a condom and take turns.

They rode and sucked, and rode and sucked and rode and sucked some more. I watched them climaxed several times before helping them out. Sucking on their necks, nibbling on their tits, hard dick in one and finger in the other. I fucked them until they gave up. They got more than they had bargained for. I rolled a spliff and watched them laying down knocked out in the bed. I was way too high to cum, plus I had already cum on the beach. (((Knock, knock, knock))) let us in. It was the other girls banging at the door. I opened the door as naked as I was with a used condom hanging from my dick. They stared at them laying butt naked across the bed with a how the hell did I miss this look on their faces.

Foxy: Can I please have some dick, I am dying here. I’ll even pay.

I was still horny as hell and I wasn’t gonna make this one time opportunity pass me. I agreed but only to a threesome. Her friend was way too sexy for me to let her go. After all, they didn’t travel thousands of miles for some sun and Caribbean rum. They could purchase that anywhere plus, I had never fucked a foreigner before. By the time I agreed they were both butt naked. Kissing, feeling rubbing. Sucking, licking, riding. Shit, I was living the life. Two chicks across the bed while fucking 2 in the sofa. By the time I came they had cum several times and ready for another. But I was too tired to even lift a finger. I sat in the tub 🛀 with the warm water beating on my body trying to catch my breath. To them, I was a star but tbh I was half next to dead. I went back to four naked girls in bed trying to play hero, but by the time I came again, I was unconscious.

I opened my eyes to Jessy fanning me with an old calendar that was hanging from the wall, and Roxy attempting mouth to mouth. Shit😔. I was so tired I could hardly pull my self from the ground. As soon as they helped me up I rolled a spliff and poured some Henny in my cup.

Who wants more dick, I asked. They all laughed cause they almost killed me a few minutes ago. We went out that night, got drunk and did it all over again. They spent their remaining days in my room which caused me to eventually fuck all five. Three of which were married and two in serious relationships.

As fun as it was, that shit gave me cold feet, made me feel like every woman was a potential liar. These women had men back home who’d do anything for them but still, they be here fucking another guy they don’t know shit about. But who was I to judge, we men tend to spend so much time tryna fuck other niggas chicks we forget to fuck our’s or pay them the attention they need. Which eventually pushes them to find love elsewhere. This makes me worry about my karma. What if a nigga is fucking my chick, what if she is giving him heads and telling me she ain’t no freak? Shit, can these chicks even be trusted? I’ve seen so much shit in my time I don’t even know if ima ever trust women. If it comes, I take it, and if it wants to go, I let it. Ain’t got no time to worry about these flight risks.

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ultimaid · 3 years

Text

I posted 9,336 times in 2021

621 posts created (7%)

8715 posts reblogged (93%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 14.0 posts.

I added 3,118 tags in 2021

#persona - 514 posts

#kin - 426 posts

#danganronpa - 384 posts

#p5 - 377 posts

#eno.txt - 372 posts

#video - 300 posts

#smile for me - 257 posts

#asks - 249 posts

#sdr2 - 128 posts

#yusutag - 111 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#like. my bipolar disorder is prob never gonna b ‘cured’ but it is way easier to manage now and i imagine it’ll get even easier in the future

My Top Posts in 2021

i won’t be evil any more i prommy *bites you as soon as you get too close*

109 notes • Posted 2021-05-01 05:26:56 GMT

wanna help a job-hunting disabled trans man buy gas? commission me!

hey y’all i’m graduating college in less than a week (december 10th babey!) and i’m currently job-hunting, which is a process that’s extra difficult due to my disability preventing me from working in a lot of fields (i have chronic pain and can’t stand up for very long, plus i have a slow processing speed + slow reflexes so being in the service industry or retail is kinda out of the question). i currently do freelance copywriting and i have one regular client so i’m not in dire straits, but i would really appreciate a little extra income so i don’t have to worry about my card getting declined at the pump until i can get a more regular job.

this is a very long-winded way of saying that i’m taking writing commissions!!!

while i mostly write fanfic, i’m also willing to do original fiction work about OCs provided i’m given enough information.

my ao3 is here for examples of my work!

pricing and wills/wonts are under the cut!

pricing

$1.50 per 100 words, or $15 per 1000 words if you want something a little longer

add an extra $.50 per 100 words for original fiction about OCs (this is only if every character is an OC in an original universe, self-insert or self-ship fic goes for the regular price)

tips are welcome but never necessary, and pricing can be negotiated to fit your budget!

i require half the payment to be in advance, the other half can be sent after the piece is completed!

i’m willing to do one round of revisions for no extra charge for any piece, i always polish my pieces before sending them out but sometimes folks want it a little more fine-tuned to their taste and that’s okay!

wills / wonts

i WILL write: some nsfw (18+ only), self-insert / self-ship fic, fiction about OCs, angst, shipfic, works up to 10k words, ships involving junko enoshima, some AUs

i WON’T write: nsfw of minors or for minors, minor/adult relationships, rpf of any kind, some kinks (ask before requesting kinky stuff), graphic violence or gore, graphic abuse of any kind, incest

i reserve the right to refuse any commission for any reason

i will only write chihiro fujisaki (danganronpa) with she/her or they/them pronouns and i will only write naoto shirogane (persona 4) with he/him pronouns

i will not write stories that ship boris habit (smile for me) or yusuke kitagawa (persona 5) romantically with any woman, nor will i write stories shipping ann takamaki (persona 5) or junko enoshima (danganronpa) with any man. this is due to personal comfort.

i will not write protag x futaba (persona 5) or junko x mikan (danganronpa) romantically. this is due to personal comfort.

i will not write fic containing kamoshida (persona 5), madarame (persona 5), or graphic details of ryuji sakamoto’s (persona 5) injury / abuse. i’m fine with writing about physical therapy and the like but nothing involving the actual incident that led to him being injured.

fandoms

fandoms i WILL write for: smile for me, persona 5 (vanilla or royal), danganronpa: trigger happy havoc, danganronpa 2: goodbye despair, danganronpa: ultra despair girls, zombieland saga, dragon age, animal crossing, persona 3, persona 4, star wars, mcu

please ask before requesting p3, p4, mcu or star wars content—i’ve only seen the films for p3, i haven’t finished p4, i haven’t seen every mcu film, and i haven’t consumed any star wars media besides the main line films

fandoms i WILL NOT write for under ANY circumstances: dsmp, any minecraft streamer content, dhmis, hazbin hotel, helluva boss, homestuck

how to commission

send me a DM if you’d like to commission me! feel free to ask for my discord as well—i don’t get tumblr notifications but i do get discord notifications, so i will respond faster on discord

if you have a question as to whether i’ll write a certain fic idea, send an ask on or off anon and i’ll reply as quick as i can

i take paypal or cashapp for payments

130 notes • Posted 2021-12-04 20:15:11 GMT

232 notes • Posted 2021-09-09 06:48:36 GMT

i’m scheduled for literally four hours next week 🙃

578 notes • Posted 2021-05-26 21:29:21 GMT

yall remember when the suez canal was blocked? that was funny. i vote we do it again

1037 notes • Posted 2021-06-26 12:27:32 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

#honestly i’m so glad the suez canal post is my number one #also persona being my number one tag. yeah that tracks

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theolddarkmachine · 7 years

Text

Kingdom- Prologue

Gajeel has had the dream about dying for the blue haired girl for as long as he can remember. Which is weird, since he’s never met anyone with blue hair in his life.

Levy has always loved myths and legends. So much so, in fact, that she was currently getting her master’s in mythological studies.

What neither of them realized was that they were living a legend all their own.

AKA the one with a knight, a princess, and a curse that keeps bringing them together just to pull them apart.

Would y’all believe I actually wrote this before when I said I would? I KNOW I’M SHOCKED TOO! Honestly, I just got super excited lol This is just the prologue, and I’m kinda hoping to get Chapter 1 up by the end of this week when this was originally going to happen. Also, I’m not gonna do a set deadline this time since clearly I can’t stick to them. I’m going to post at least once a week on this one, but I think I’m just gonna update whenever it’s done as opposed to on a certain day. (This is good because maybe I can work out more than one update a week this way. WHO KNOWS THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!) Anyway, LET’S START THIS JOURNEY SHALL WE?! (Also sorry for such a crap summary? I have no idea how to explain this one without giving too much away lol Don’t be shocked if you see that change.)

********************************

Once Upon A Time

If you asked the people of his kingdom, they would tell you that King Dreyar was a kind and just king. Where many kings in bordering lands ruled their kingdoms with cold disregard to those considered beneath them, Fiore’s king listened to his subjects. He believed a king whose people were suffering while he sat on his throne was no king at all. Yes, he was a well respected king, which was why when the rumors that the King had an illegitimate daughter started to spread, they were widely disregarded by his people, for King Dreyar loved his wife, Queen Kearia Dreyar. What his people didn’t know that he had a first love.

As a prince, Makarov Dreyar was of the rambunctious sort. It seemed as if it were everyday that the young man would go missing from the castle just to be dragged back by his guard Metalicana to receive his lashings from his father. The servants often gossiped amongst themselves, wondering if the prince was a bit thick in the head, or if he just got some sick satisfaction out of driving the king crazy. They tried fruitlessly to get Metalicana to tell them. They’d bribe him with extra portions of dinner, offered him money, and on the odd occasion offered him a daughter to be his future wife, and yet Metalicana kept tight lipped about what it was his charge was doing when he disappeared from the castle. All they could get out of him was that he answered to the king and Prince Makarov alone.

What the servants didn’t know was that even the king himself couldn’t get Metalicana to tell him where the prince ran off to. The knight had been the youngest to come through the ranks, becoming a part of the royal guard at the tender age of 17, and was often referred to as the Iron Dragon. He was used to being regarded with contempt and fear, and yet the prince had welcomed him as an equal. While it may have only been because Metalicana was the only other person the same age as Makarov in the castle, it led the knight to pledge his whole allegiance to the prince.

This meant that everyday when Makarov slipped out of the castle with his horse and rode to the forest on the outskirts of town to meet with the blue haired girl named Ileana McGarden, the Iron Dragon would wait until as late in the day as he could to go and bring him back. Everyday the knight would ask the prince if it was worth the beating he received, and each day the prince would simply respond that love was worth any punishment.

This continued until just before Makarov’s 21st birthday, when his father fell gravely ill. The ailing king’s final wish, was for his son to marry Lady Kearia Blackthorn of Vistarion and to see his son take over the throne. The day before the wedding was the only time Metalicana did not bring the prince home.

***

Ten years later, the Iron Dragon was killed, leaving behind his son Gajeel to be raised by the King. He followed in his father’s footsteps, becoming Makarov’s most trusted knight by the time he was 18 years old.

“Do you wish me to come with you?” Gajeel asked, his wild black hair falling over the black iron of his armor that mimicked his father’s. His mouth was set in a scowl that the king was all too familiar worth. He really was just like his father.

“No, Gajeel, I can do this alone,” Makarov said dismissively as he pulled his cloak on over his own armor. He’d received the message from an inky black raven, which could only mean that it was from the oracle, and she preferred to meet alone.

“But sir,” the knight started to protest before the king raised his hand to silence him.

“Even your father didn’t keep such a tight leash on me, my boy,” he chuckled. “If your old man could trust me enough to let me meet with the oracle, you can too. Besides, don’t you ever take a break?” It was a rhetorical question. He of all people knew that Gajeel didn’t ever take any time off. Gajeel laughed humorlessly.

“Fine, but your better let the queen know that this was what you wanted before you go so if you get killed she knows it wasn’t because I didn’t try.” This elicited a bark of laughter from the king. Fucking smartass, he thought to himself as he pushed his way through the door, letting it shut behind him and ending his conversation with the knight.

***

It was impossibly quiet in the forest as Makarov tied his horse to a tree just outside of the clearing he knew the oracle would be waiting for him. He’d learned quite some time ago to not bring his horse any closer, and he had the scar through his eyebrow to remind him just in case he ever forgot. Carefully stepping through the trees and trying his best to avoid making too much noise, he finally reached the clearing. There was a 50-foot radius that had been cleared of any forest and left nothing but a twisted metal stand holding a black marble basin. Standing at the basin, was the oracle. Her skin was a pale, almost translucent white and her silver hair glittered in the moonlight and fell down the back of the simple black dress that hung loosely from her body. A milky film covered her eyes, leaving her blinded, though Makarov often wondered if that were true. At the current moment in time, he’d swear she was staring right through him.

“Makarov,” she greeted. Her voice echoed around them, filling the space and suddenly making him feel small.

“Oracle,” he said back, stepping further into the clearing until he was in front of her and the basin she stood at. Without another word, she reached her hands towards him and gently place them both on his face.

“It’s good to see you, old friend.” A small smile touched her lips. At least, Makarov thought he saw a hint of a smile. He’d never actually seen her show any emotions in all the years he’d known her.

“What is it you need to show me?” Her hands fell away from his face and returned to either side of the basin. A ripple caused the surface of the black liquid inside it to dance.

“Death.” The single word she uttered was electric and the forest around them rustled with a sudden gust of wind. It wasn’t the first time she’d seen death in his future, and yet an ominous feeling had started to work its way through his body. There was something different about this time.

“Whose death?” The question nearly choked him as he forced it out. She started to slowly pass her hands over the liquid, causing the black to fade away into a pearly white.

“Your daughter’s,” she whispered as she looked up from the liquid, her stare cutting him to the bone. Ice started to run through his veins as he struggled to breathe.

“I... I don’t have a daughter,” he struggled to say. Try as they might, he and the queen had been unable to have a child. It weighed on them both but he was able to bury himself in his work as king. Not to mention Gajeel was like a son to him. But they did not have any children.

“You do, Makarov,” the seer’s voice said forcefully as she slammed her hands down on the sides of the basin. Suddenly, he was transported back to that day all those years ago when he had seen Ileana for the last time. The memory caused a sharp pain of sorrow to erupt through his chest as he saw Ileana crying in his arms. The vision melted away as his past self leaned down to kiss away her tears. A tear fell down his face and landed in the liquid before he even had the chance to realize it was there.

“Show me,” was all he said, his voice breaking slightly.

The oracle returned to waving her hands over the deep basin between them, causing the liquid to start to spin into a milky white whirlpool. Makarov watched intently, mesmerized by the swirling liquid that spun faster and faster. Colors started to bleed from the outside edges of the basin and suddenly, it came to a stop with one crystal clear image reflected in the surface. The face of a blue haired young woman with honey colored eyes stared back at him. He felt himself reach towards the image, unable to look away from the woman’s image in the basin.

“She looks just like her mother,” he managed to breathe. His chest was throbbing with pain as he took her in. All this time, and he’d never known. Reaching his hand forward, his fingers ghosted across the top of the liquid, barely disrupting the surface. The touch caused image to fall away, leaving nothing but the inky black liquid it had originally been. “Who knows about this?” Makarov demanded. His tears had dried and his eyes now burned. The seer returned his glare with her own blind one. She placed a hand on the side of the basin and paused as if she were listening to someone speak.

“No one yet,” she finally said, her hollow voice echoing through the forest around them. Makarov was infinitely aware of the final word. The sound of it sent a shot of cold fear unlike anything he’d ever felt down his spine. There was a finality in that word. Someone would find out about the blue haired woman in the forest, and they would kill her.

What neither the seer or the king noticed, was the pair of purple eyes that watched them from the shadows.

**********************

#kingdom #gajevy #Gajeel X Levy #Gajeel Redfox #Levy McGarden #alternate universe #fairy tail #fairy tail fanfiction #OKAY BUT LIKE I'M SUPER EXCITED ABOUT THIS

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docholligay · 8 years

Text

News Of The Day

So I told you the Patreon was off for March (and it is. It’s automatically set to go on hiatus, and Patreon assures me you will not be charged, and, if it is, I will call and have it all refunded.) This is because, in this year of me and Jill preparing to settle down and have a baby, I am going to Europe. I’ll be gone between March 6th and March 31st.

Doc, that sounds like the worst possible way of settling down. Let me explain. No, there is too much, let me sum up.

When I was a girl, going to Europe was my dream, and it was a dream that was like going to the moon--I come from a relatively poor background on both sides, particularly when I was young. No one in my family had been to the east fucking coast when I was a girl, I saw the ocean for the first time when I was 18 and only because I made it happen. But Europe, you see, was never going to happen, no matter how many avenues I tried, I was still a girl from the middle of nowhere who, regrettably had never been born into wealth.

I was talking to my boss about how it was something I’d always wanted to do before I had a baby, and I was sad that it was pretty clear that wasn’t going to work out. Jill had wanted to send me, but we just couldn’t make it work. It was a thing she really longed to do for me before we had a baby, but the truck broke, and we need a new water heater--the banal things of life. It was disappointing, but it was a dream I was going to let die.

My boss is a complex man, a rich white dude who nonetheless has a sense of compassion and generosity that occasionally strikes like lightning. So he gave me the money for plane tickets, train tickets, and a month off (unpaid). If you’re going to go once in your life, he said, try to make it count. SO I AM. I was originally going to go by myself, as I don’t have much trouble doing that, and actually enjoy a certain amount of solitude. I live in my head a lot. But ever since my Mom divorced my Dad she’s had a pile of money and weeks of vacation sitting there doing nothing, so I invited her to come along, and I thought she was going to cry with excitement.

The Patreon has been an amazing help, and is going to cover my bills while I’m gone. But since it’ll be off that month, and for some of you who have always wanted to toss a couple bucks my way, but don’t want the month to month thing, I decided to set something up specifically for this trip. I want to add that I don’t expect anything--y’all have done enough for me, frankly. And I’ll still be able to borrow money from Mom to make it work, so you’re not ruining my life. Basically, I’m just asking you to help me out with a lifelong dream I’m getting out of the way.

But there’s rewards! SHINY, FANTASTIC REWARDS. I’m not just asking for money, I want to do stuff for it. And when I say any character, I mean it. (Though, if I’m totally unfamiliar with even the property, you’re taking your life into your own hands) Want a postcard from Bill Cipher? PRETTY SURE I COULD KILL IT, ACTUALLY. A letter from Bastion? The most soulful beep and boops you’ll ever read. Usagi goes to the Paris Catacombs? DONE, WITH LOVE AND TENDERNESS.

So here’s the breakdown:

Any level: a photo post thanking you personally with a picture of me doing the thing!

Tier One: a postcard of the country, from either me or your favorite character! Mailed from Europe.

Tier Two: a two page ficlet of your fav character experiencing whatever you got me, or a two page letter from me about it. Mailed from Europe. Example of how I write about food here.

Tier Three: I buy you a small souvenir from said locale, and wrap it up with a letter from your favorite character or me. Mailed upon my return, I can’t figure out the post offices THAT well.

Tier Four: don’t do this, but if you want to, convo me first and we’ll work something out.

How to do this, if you want to:

Message me with what you want to sponsor and your email address. I’ll send you a request via paypal! And let me know which character(s) you’d like your letter/postcard from!

Again, I have no expectation of anyone doing this, so no worries. I thank you anyhow! You’re all amazing. This is a dream I never thought I would fulfill, and all of you have had no small part in making it a reality. I wish I could tell you how much it means to me, and I look forward to all the new shades of adventure we’ll have together.

THERE’S A LOT OF FOOD. I TRUST YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH ME.

Things that don’t cost anything are, obviously, not on here, so if you’d rather have a photo shot of say, Saint Chappele, and you get me a glass of wine, we can totally work that out.

London, England

Tier One

A pint in a pub! [$5, two available] I feel like this needs no description, and yet. Mom and I are actually making an informal tour of East End pubs for Very Important Research Purposes. Lena wants you to buy me a drink.

Fish and chips on the street [$12] Fish and chips is one of those things that’s iconic, and it may be terrible (lol just kidding fried food is amazing) but I feel honorbound to finally have a proper try at it.

Bubble and Squeak and other Breakfast Atrocities [$15] Occasionally, I plan something just for the secret knowledge. I need to know what the hell bubble and squeak tastes like. You need me to know what the hell bubble and squeak tastes like. So I found a traditional British place to show me!

Highgate Cemetary Tour [$15] There’s something that seems right about me wandering around in a park dedicated to the most beautiful ways of representing the mortality of humankind, do you think?

Oysters and Bubbly [$15] Ever since I read Tipping the Velvet, I feel like this is a quintessentially British thing, and I love the sea saltiness of oysters and the prickle of bubbly.

Tour of Winston Churchill’s War Rooms [$20] Help me get tips for the underground bunker I’m going to need to build when the gays declare war!

Tier Two

Tower of London and Crown Jewels [$30] All my favorite things! Murder, torture, imperialism, and tacky jewelry.

Afternoon Tea at the Ritz [$50] This is an exceedingly fancy little adventure, with delicate teacakes and a goddamn harpist, and I’ve always wanted to do it. I will FINALLY get to wear my special occasion dress.

Paris, France

Tier One

Glass of wine in a cafe [$7, five available] Again--when in Paris, drink like Parisians do. I would say Amelie wants you to buy me a drink, but I think we all know that’s a bold lie

A trip to the boulangerie next to our place [$12] I am well aware than in Paris, you can throw a rock and hit a bakery, but I’m still charmed by the idea that we have one so close.

Tour of the Paris Catacombs [$20] It’s a tunnel full of beautiful death. I belong here.

Fancy French chocolates [$20] There’s so many fine French chocolatiers, and we found a few near our place! This will get us a couple fancy chocolates to eat by the Seine

Lunch at a bistro with wine [$25, two available] There’s almost an overwhelming amount of food that looks good in Paris, and I am taking suggestions, but we found this little place that basically looks like cave that serves wine, and I’m all into it.

Tier Two

Lunch at Disneyland Paris at BILLY BOB’S WILD WEST BUFFET [$34] There is no way you don’t want me to share with the class French Disneyland’s understanding of the American West.

Dinner at a slightly nicer place, but also with wine [$40]

Tier Three

Day at Disneyland Paris [$70] One of my life goals, however shallow, vain, and foolish, is to go to every Disneyland/world before I die. This will make it two down and two to go and I think we all want to see my girlish excitement.

Tier Four

Cooking Class in Paris [$95] A cooking class with a professional chef! ANd we get to go to the market and selct stuff and make a four course meal and I have never taken a cooking class in my life so I am thrilled.

Zurich, Switzerland

Tier Two

A TRIP TO THE BIERGARTEN DOWN THE STREET WHERE NEITHER OF US HAVE ANY CLUE OF THE LANGUAGE BUT BY GOD I HAVE A PHRASEBOOK [$40] (beer and food both)

Munich, Germany

Tier One

Tour of BMW factory [$9] YEAH ME AT THE BMW FACTORY. I am completely overwhelmingly excited for this, and you want to hear about it.

Drink at a swanky rooftop bar [$16] Yeah this is A COCKTAIL, but we’re mainly going there to be Kaiohs for a moment in time, so I promise to savor it. Any excuse to wear my fancy dress!

Traditional Bavarian Food with a traditional Bavarian [$20] I confess I have no idea if I can even eat traditional Bavarian food, but by god I know the German word for pork and I have no fear.

Trip to Neuschwanstein Castle [$22] This also includes the little castle next to it! IF YOU THINK I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE AN EICHENWALDE JOKE, STOP YOURSELF RIGHT THERE.

Tier Two

Dinner at Hofbrauhaus: Sauerbraten of Alpine Oc, Dampfnudel, and a beer yes I already know what I’m ordering shut up [$31] Remember when I was liveblogging Bake Off and I said “Wtf is a dampfnudel? THEY HAVE THEM HERE. I WILL FINALLY KNOW.

Zagreb, Croatia

Tier One

Swanky cocktail at Hotel Esplanade [$12]

Drinks at THE HOBBIT PUB [$14] Oath assures there are many magical Croatian liquors that I have never tried, some of which may have me believing that I am, in fact, Gandalf by the end of the night.

Tier Two

Room service for swanky Sailor Moon Night [$30] There’s two here in case someone wants to buy food for Oath, too. or there were, but Jet’s bought Oath’s and told em to get my fucking own.

Dinner at Traditional Croatian restaurant [$33] I admit to having pretty limited knowledge of what Croatian food actually is, and assuming Oath isn’t just playing a massive trick on me and we’re actually performing some sort of fear factor for her amusement, we’re going to find out!

Wine Pairings for the fine dinner! [$55] The wines are specifically selected by a sommelier for each course, I’ve never had anything so fine and I can’t wait for the shade it brings to each course.

Tier three

12 course plated dinner in a fine restaurant [$77] You may have noticed a theme of doing Shit I Can’t Afford In America. Y’all, I am so excited for this, it’s the kind of meal one might find at the 400 dollar level or higher in the states. I have never, ever been able to afford something like this, and I am so excited.

Tier Four

Rental of a box at the Croatian National Theatre for Swan Lake [$100] Getting dressed all tony for our private box! Please believe that I am trying to get some tiny opera glasses, to complete the effect.

Night in a 5 star suite for Swanky Sailor Moon Night [$220] Oath and I, in a fancy hotel suite, Kaiohing it up and watching Sailor Moon over various Croatian liquors. THERE’S WIFI IN THE HOTEL YOU KNOW YOU’LL BE MISSING MY DRUNKEN POSTS BY THEN.

Tallin, Estonia

Tier One

SOUP BUFFET [$5] I love soup like I love few things on earth, and in Estonia it is apparently a THING, and we’re going to a great soup buffet for lunch

Soup and Pie at a restaurant owned by an adorable Russian couple [$6] My friend recommended this place to me specifically, because she knows any place I can get pie and soup is a place I love.

Drink a Western bar called “Tombstone” [$5] I MEAN COME ON

Tier Two

Trip to a whiskey and cigar bar [$16] A glass of whiskey and cigar is something I am going to be missing HARD by this point, I assure you

Tier Three

Dinner at Medieval merchant restaurant [$72] I’M GONNA EAT BEAR. This restaurant is the intersection of history and food, which you may note as one of my favorite things, and the meal we’re getting has a COUPLE kinds of game I’ve never experienced before.

I am also taking suggestions! And remember, I have meetups planned in London, Munich, and Paris! So let me know if you’d like to come.

Again, thank you so much for even bothering to read all this! I love you all!!

#holligay annoys the entire european continent

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