#[ one runs the risk of weeping a little if one allows himself to be tamed ]

[deputypeach]

tbh cult verse staci is my secret babe 

A verse where he’s all serene and BrainwashedTM and quotes soft spoken scriptures while gleefully betraying his friends ?? GOOD SHIT 👀👀👀

[handy-dandy-monster-candy]

Orlec

Rating: SFW Length: 1495 Pairing: Male Orc x Male Reader (both cis)

Some hurt/comfort and fluff with your dutiful pirate boyfriend. TW for mentions of blood, injuries, and torture.

xxx

“Cut him down from there.”

They are the first words I’ve heard since the screaming stopped. I’m barely clinging onto the last threads of my consciousness, blood and drool oozing from my mouth and onto the wooden post I’ve been lashed to. When the ties that bind my arms are cut, my knees can’t hope to hold me up, but they never touch the floor. Instead, I’m caught by gentle hands and my battered body is wrapped in my discarded coat, and then I’m carried out into the light of the late afternoon.

I remember the transition from the smell of blood to the salt of the sea. I remember soft whispers and exclamations of horror and despair. I remember bobbing like a buoy, floating and weightless, and then the fresh agony of my wounds being cleaned. The pain makes everything hazy at the edges, soft and insubstantial in a way that only an open wound’s prolonged exposure to astringents can manage to do. 

“He’ll always bear the scars,” I hear someone else murmur.

“It doesn’t matter,” says the first voice I heard before. “Just make sure he lives.”

I close my eyes. I sleep. I dream of restless things in the aftermath. Of clawing hands and sharp barbs, of drowning in the darkest depths of the ocean where no man dares go. I feel stiflingly hot, then chilled to the bone. I taste bile in my mouth and feel my eyes go raw from weeping. I surface from the depths for brief moments and beg for mercy, though I know not the manner in which I crave it be delivered.

When I finally come back to myself, I can tell that it’s been days. For one, I feel the ache of a man who’s lain too long in bed, and for another, I smell like one, too. My first attempts at movement are slow and halting, and I grit my teeth against the pain and the tightness I feel across my back. My wounds are dressed and for that, I’m grateful, but the rest of me is bare, and I make a note to thank the doctor for taking care of me while I was at my worst. I find spare clothing in my quarters and manage to wrestle into my trousers and shirt, but by then, I have to sit at the edge of my bed to catch my breath, dizzy with effort.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”

I look up with a start to my doorway and see that it’s been darkened by my surly first mate, a massive orc by the name of Orlec with skin like bronze and eyes like brushed steel. He’s a fearsome-looking man with one chipped tusk and arms like the trunks of trees, but he’s deadliest with the cutlass at his hip. Now, he has a towel over his shoulder and a bucket in his hand, which he brings over to my bedside and sets down by my knee. In it is steaming seawater—a luxurious bath for a pirate so far out at sea.

“I thought I’d get some fresh air,” I wheeze, trying for nonchalance. 

Orlec looks unimpressed. “You’re lucky I caught you before we hit a swell and the ship pitched your sorry ass halfway across the cabin.”

“You’d have caught me then, too,” I say with a grin, allowing Orlec to help me back out of my shirt and eagerly reaching for the rag resting over the lip of the bucket; Orlec swats my hand away and takes it up himself.

“You think this is some kind of joke,” he accuses, narrowing his eyes as he kneels in front of me and starts scrubbing at my skin none-too-tenderly. “You almost got yourself killed. Again.”

“I think it worked out quite well, actually, don’t you?” I quip, wincing through a laugh as Orlec’s grip on my arm tightens. “I knew my bold and intrepid crewmen would come to my rescue.”

“I should throw you overboard to the sharks,” Orlec snarls, pulling off my trousers and scrubbing from the waist down as though he were trying to polish the decks outside.

“Easy, easy!” I cry, cupping my hands over my poor abused cock. “You’ll tear it off, you big oaf!”

“‘Oaf’!” Orlec barks back, throwing the rag in my face with a wet slap. “The only oaf I see here is you! What the fuck were you thinking, turning yourself over to those damn privateers? We barely scraped you off the flogging pole!”

“I was thinking that I’d save you a bullet to the head,” I say between clenched teeth, my ire making my head spin a little. “Or did you forget the pistol they had pressed to your temple? It was you or me, Orlec. I chose me.”

“And what of my choices?” Orlec snaps, eyes aflame as his voice lifts. “Every day I choose to stay with you! Every day I choose to follow your lead because you’re a good captain, and you up and throw your life away at the first opportunity! I could have gotten out of it! I could have—” He cuts himself off, his great chest rising and falling like so many empires.

“There was no other way, Orlec,” I tell him, sympathy softening my temper. “I’m alive and they’re not. That’s what matters now.”

“Like hell it is,” Orlec grumbles after a moment spent collecting himself, snatching the rag back from me and continuing his work cleaning me up.

I can’t keep myself from laughing softly, reaching up to run my fingers through my lover’s thick brown mohawk. “Are you grumpy because you missed me?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

“I’m afraid I lack the flexibility for that.”

“I’m sure as shit not doing it.”

“Not in the state I’m in, no, but I hope that threat doesn’t extend too far into the future. Your sex is practically chiropractic.”

Orlec splutters, gently swatting my stomach with the back of a massive hand. “Shut up. I’ll show you chiropractic when I break your back over my knee the next time you do something this stupid.”

“Promises, promises,” I sigh, scraping my fingernails along Orlec’s scalp and watching as the repetitive motions soften the line of my lover’s shoulders. “I’m not so fragile as all that, my dearest.”

Just like that, the tension returns to Orlec. “You almost bled out. The doctor had to perform some emergency surgery, and then you were fevered for three nights. We almost lost you. I almost lost you.”

“Well, I haven’t been lost,” I say, “and I’ll surely never take that same risk again.”

Orlec squints his steely eyes at me, suspicious. “That better not be loophole-speak for ‘because that particular captain is dead now’.”

I avert my eyes.

Orlec pinches the inside of my knee.

“Yowch!” I yelp, jumping and then wincing when the act pulls at my new scabs.

“Shit, sorry,” Orlec rumbles, and to his credit, he does look apologetic. “Only meant to hurt your knee, not your back.”

“Not the kind of weakness I want you to cause in my knees, my love,” I breathlessly reply, and barely dodge the swat of the wet rag aimed towards my face.

“Do you think of nothing but sex?” Orlec grumps, shaking his head and scrubbing between my toes.

I try desperately not to wriggle. “No,” I say around my laughter, clutching at his shoulders. “I think about kisses, too. It’s been far too long since our last, don’t you think?”

“I’m not kissing you until you wash the bile from your mouth,” Orlec deadpans, shaking his head with amusement and finally helping me back into my clothing. He helps me do just that, offering me warm saltwater to rinse with as he tames the tangles in my hair with careful ease. By the time we’re done, I’m about ready to faint all over again, and Orlec—bless him—notices. Instead of taking me out to reassure the men, he tucks me back under the covers and gives me some concoction to fight an oncoming fever, only relenting in his mothering when I promise to stay in and rest.

“Now will you kiss me?” I ask, feeling like a schoolboy tucked in to his armpits by his nanny.

“Now I will kiss you,” Orlec relents, perching at my bedside and leaning in to press his lips to mine. The kiss is long and sweet, with Orlec taking my face in his big hand and curling his fingers over the back of my head to keep me close. As if I’d ever pull away.

“I love you,” I sigh as he pulls away, melting hazily down into the pillows and clinging to the last vestiges of my consciousness.

“And despite my better judgment, I love you, too,” Orlec grumbles, startling a drunken laugh out of me. He smiles crookedly, in that way that always makes my heart melt. “Sleep,” he tells me, and I do.

[harrypotterhousequotes]

SLYTHERIN: "One runs the risk of weeping a little if one allows himself to be tamed." –Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (The Little Prince)

[soulist-aurora]

One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one allows himself to be tamed.

Antoine de Saint-Exupéry “누군가에게 길들여진다는 것은 눈물을 흘릴 것을 각오하는 것이다.” ― 생텍쥐페리

[eviillhaag]

one runs the risk of weeping a little if one allows himself to be tamed. 🦊

[babygirl06301]

Buffy moments that made me cry

Oi! This post contains spoilers, read at your own risk or whatever.

So, this is gonna be a fun, happy time. 

Sike, because I’m gonna crush your hearts. And keep you here for a long time, because damn is this long. It’s important to understand that, when making this list, I was going off of memory so that could be a reason as to why not every terribly sad scene is in here. Another reason a scene could be left off is because I don’t like certain characters, so their sad moments didn’t cause me to emotionally explode like these did. For example, I’m not a huge fan of Faith, Joyce, Dawn, or Riley. I like them all, but I wasn’t invested enough in them as characters to warrant their hard times breaking my soul. Make sense?

Also, you will notice a common theme here, and if you’ve been following me for a while, this will come as no surprise (and neither will me talking about scenes I’ve already talked excessively about a million times): Spike, Spike, Spuffy, Spike. Spike is my all time favorite character from any show. So, it stands to reason that I feel his pains and woes more heavily than the other characters. Building on that, Spuffy is my ultimate ship. Ergo...you get it. In fact, most of this post will be about Spike, Spuffy, Twillow, and Xanya (is that their ship name?). You’re probably tired of hearing about the same scenes everyone (me) talks about, for example, a lot of the stuff from S7. And honestly, I’m getting a little tired of talking about them, but this list wouldn’t be complete without it, so bear with me.

So, I’m also gonna rate these by level of tears and soul-breakage (whether for happy or sad reasons). A scale of 1 to 5. Allow me to demonstrate with Dean Winchester gifs. 

1 - Prickly eyes, very deep feeling of sadness

2 - Eyes brimmed with tears about to spill over

3 - Tears fall

4 - Tears won’t stop falling

5 - All hope of composure is lost

Fair warning: there are only two 5s on here. So. And keep in mind that a 1 doesn’t mean it’s a bad scene. Think of 1s as very good scenes and 5s as mind-blowing, fuck me up scenes. Also, they’re just how I reacted. I know some of these hit harder with some or fell flat with others. And of course, there’s other scenes that were very sad to watch but didn’t quite make me tear up. For example, when Willow first sees that Glory took away Tara’s sanity or when Spike tells Buffy he’d risk his life to go after someone that hurt her. Okay, let’s get into it.

Okay, before the Buffy, I want to start with a few scenes from Angel that really got me. Not a lot in Angel did get me because I wasn’t as invested in it, but these were hard. 

Doyle dies

The episode: “Hero” 

My rating: 1/5

The moment: There’s a magical bomb about to explode so, Doyle decides to sacrifice himself to save everyone.

Why I cried: Doyle is one of the few characters on Angel that I had a really protective attitude with. Much like I did with early seasons Willow or with Tara, sort of just a sweet character that I want to keep safe. So, because we see Doyle struggle since the beginning with his identity as half-demon, this heroic last act means so much for his story. Not to mention, his last goodbyes with Angel and Cordelia were very heartfelt and sad.

Buffy forgets Human!Angel

The episode: “I Will Remember You”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Angel had become human for this episode and was able to spend a whole day with Buffy, consequence free. However, realizing he couldn’t protect the world as a human, he opted to erase the previous day. This moment is Angel explaining to Buffy that only he would remember their day together.

Why I cried: This scene got me for a number of reasons. One of the primary reasons is the behind the scenes information surrounding it. Sarah couldn’t hold herself together, David whispered her name (that you can hear in the scene) to calm her. That proves the power of this moment. Additionally, understanding that Angel will have the bear the memory of this day, cut me pretty deep. So did seeing Buffy so broken and panicked. All together, a gut-wrenching scene.

Fred dies

The episode: “A Hole in the World”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Fred has a run in with an ancient coffin containing the Old One, Illyria. She kills Fred by cooking her organs, causing her to slowly fade away while being watched over by Wesley, her current love. 

Why I cried: Fred is another one of those pure characters that doesn’t deserve the fate she receives. Wesley and Fred spend so long dancing around each other, being with other people before finally connecting...only to have it violently ripped away from them. Requited love resulting in immediate tragedy is something Joss Whedon is a master of, and this certainly isn’t the last example on this list.

Wesley dies

The episode: “Not Fade Away”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Wesley fights his final battle for Angel and the greater good, resulting in a serious wound that took his life. In his final moments, Illyria transforms herself into Fred to give Wes peace as he dies.

Why I cried: Honestly, the main thought running through my mind with this scene is that Wes and Fred will finally be together. His end is bittersweet for me, as he struggled so much in Angel. Adding on to this, seeing Fred weep over Wesley and knowing that it was equal parts Fred and Illyria feeling grief for him hits home as much as anything else. 

Okay, that’s Angel done. As I said, I wasn’t as invested so I don’t remember all the intense scenes, for one, and I also didn’t care about the story as much in general. Let’s move on to Buffy.

Buffy quits

The episode: “Prophecy Girl”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy overhears Angel and Giles discussing the prophecy that Buffy is to die if she faces the Master. She makes her presence known and decides to quit her role as Slayer because she’s afraid of dying.

Why I cried: This is the first time we see Buffy terrified of anything. Really terrified. And understandably so. I think the thing about this scene that gets me the most is that Buffy is supposed to be this tough girl, not afraid of anything, least of all dying. Which is quite unfair to ask of anyone. So here, we see the rational reaction to dying that we don’t expect her to have. Hearing her tell Giles that she’s sixteen and doesn’t want to die is almost shocking because she’s right, but that’s something we don’t totally register before this scene. And it’s almost made sadder by the fact that we know she doesn’t really have the choice to walk away from her calling. No matter how hard she fights, it doesn’t matter.

Buffy and Giles cry together

The episode: “Passion”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Right after Giles goes after Angelus for killing Jenny, Buffy pulls him out of the burning factory and screams at him for risking his life.

Why I cried: It’s just the combination of knowing Giles’ pain is so real and seeing Buffy’s fear of losing him. Giles, being a Watcher, hadn’t really had the opportunity to live a life outside of books and Slayers. Jenny was his chance to do that, and he lost her. He lost her right after he’d decided to take her back after the whole Angel/Angelus debacle. Remember that requited love turns to tragedy thing? On top of that, it isn’t often we see Buffy express her affection for Giles. This rare moment of vulnerability, for both of them, makes this scene crushing.

Buffy kills Angel

The episode: “Becoming: Part 2″

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy resigns herself to killing Angelus, as it appears they won’t be able to ensoul him, and he plans to release Acathla and destroy the world. At the last moment, after the door to Hell is opened, Angel regains his soul. Unfortunately, the only way to close the portal is to the kill the one who opened it. Buffy, then, is forced to kill her love.

Why I cried: The acting. That’s what it is. Other than the fact that it’s terribly tragic that they have to lose each other after so long apart,--*coughs* requited love--it’s just the fact that I can see it all on their faces. And Angel is so confused by what’s happening, and Buffy doesn’t explain. She just says goodbye, a goodbye cloaked in loving words. And then Angel’s confusion turns to shock, and Buffy’s expression of responsibility overrun with pain...it’s all a part of why this scene is so, so sad.

Buffy cries in Willow’s lap

The episode: “The Prom”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Just after Angel breaks up with her, Buffy confides in Willow. She conveys that she’s trying to keep from dying, that she feels like she can’t breathe. Willow holds her head in her lap while she cries.

Why I cried: On a personal note, for me and I’m sure many others, this spoke to me. It related almost exactly to one of my break-ups in the past. Because of that, it was more than just watching these characters bleed and cry on TV and trying to understand it. This, I did understand. And it hurts. And seeing our hero weep like this over something so...mundane...that’s pain.

Willow and Oz break up

The episode: “Wild at Heart”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Oz has made the decision, after a few nights with a fellow werewolf, that he will leave Sunnydale to try and tame the beast inside of him. As a result, he has to initiate a painful goodbye with the woman he loves.

Why I cried: This is the ever-present struggle with relationships. You want to be together, you want to be with them, but when it comes down to it, sometimes you need to take care of you. And that’s a tough choice to make. The thing about this scene is that neither of them fell out of love with the other (despite Willow asking Oz if he had). Oz had to tear himself away from the one thing he’d loved all his life so that he could better himself. Which means, for me anyway, that you can’t blame Oz. And an ending relationship where neither party is to blame, well that’s a hard blow. 

Oz’s final goodbye

The episode: “New Moon Rising”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Oz returns to Sunnydale, hoping to reignite his flame with Willow. Upon returning, he realizes that Willow has fallen in love with someone else--Tara. In his final scene, he says a tearful and final goodbye to Willow.

Why I cried: You know that feeling when you’re watching something and you just know that this is the end for a character? Like, you feel the deep sorrow that this is the last you’ll see of them? That’s what I was feeling. And I’m sure that’s what Willow was feeling. Because Oz didn’t fall out of love with her, it’s saddening to see him so wilted because he wasn’t able to get back together with Willow. But at the same time, it’s amazing to see how understanding and caring he is regarding Willow’s love for another person. Happy goodbyes can be just as tearful as the sad ones.

Willow chooses Tara

The episode: “New Moon Rising”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: After leaving Oz, Willow goes to Tara’s dorm room. Tara worries that Willow is coming to tell her she’s chosen Oz. She assures Willow that she should be with the one she loves, to which Willow replies, “I am.”

Why I cried: Oh my goodness. Tara is just so happy in this moment. And so is Willow. After all the confusion, after all the concern and tiptoeing and worry, Willow and Tara finally choose each other.

The gang defends Tara  

The episode: “Family”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Tara’s family comes to take her home because they claim (falsely) that she is part demon. She’s prepared to leave to spare her friends the shame of knowing her. In a twist, the Scoobies--even Spike, to an extent--defend Tara and protect her against her family.

Why I cried: This is the first time Tara is ever officially welcomed into the unofficial family of the Scoobies. And we get to see characters come to her defense, not because she’s connected to Willow, but because she’s connected to all of them. It’s a very warm family moment that gives me the warm fuzzies.

Spike comforts Buffy 

The episode: “Fool for Love”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: After a long night at each other’s throats, Spike vows to kill Buffy despite the complication of the behavior chip. Upon arriving at her house, Spike finds Buffy crying because of her mother’s worsening illness, a fact unbeknownst to him. He asks what’s wrong, if there’s anything he can do and ends up sitting silently with her in the moment.

Why I cried: Why would I cry so much over such a small thing? Well, because of the little things. Spike looks...curious. Instead of this big, swanky, know-it-all vampire, Spike is intrigued and curious concerning Buffy and how he feels about her. It’s almost like Buffy is this magical, foreign creature that he can’t look away from lest it run away, never to be seen again. And when he pats her back, he’s so gentle with her, somehow understanding what she needs without knowing the situation. And it helps. You can see Buffy’s face, see that she’s comforted to have someone to be with her there. It’s a very serene, tender moment.

Buffy finds her mom dead  

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy comes home to find Joyce lying on the couch, dead. In a panic, she calls 911. After that, she calls Giles. All the while, moving from confusion to alarm to shock.

Why I cried: This is a very real reaction to death. Especially the death of a close loved one. And it’s very strange for us to see Buffy this shattered, even with all the pain she’s gone through before this moment. It’s a hard scene to pick at, but we feel the same sort of surreal blankness that Buffy does.

Buffy tells Dawn about Joyce  

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy goes to Dawn’s school to tell her about their mother’s death.

Why I cried: It’s just...I didn’t and don’t care for Dawn very much...so that alone should tell you why this scene made the list. Seeing her that sorrowful and knowing that she still feels, if only in this case, like a little girl that still needs her mommy...it makes this scene heartbreaking.

Willow and Tara embrace

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Willow worries over what she should wear to the hospital to meet Buffy and Dawn. Her sadness and cries escalate until Tara goes to her, and they share their first (on-screen) kiss.

Why I cried: For one, it’s a good reminder that Joyce touched more people’s lives than Buffy’s and Dawn’s. Also, it’s a good moment for us to be there with Willow and Tara and feel their love and compassion. Just the way that they hold each other and breathe into each other’s embrace...it’s beautiful. 

Anya asking why Joyce died

The episode: “The Body”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Tensions raise between Willow and Anya, as Anya doesn’t completely understand the actions taken by humans when a loved one dies. Anya soon breaks down and exclaims that the mortality of humans is nonsensical and stupid.

Why I cried: Anya is meant to be this confused, blunt, and uninformed character that never really grasps the spectrum of human emotions and mannerisms. But here’s the thing: in her ramblings about the stupidity of death and her confusion over why Joyce had to die, she makes the most sense of all. The beauty of her confusion and bluntness and uninformed nature is that she hits on the exact thought that everyone has when someone passes on: why? 

Buffy cries with Dawn 

The episode: “Forever”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: After Buffy stops Dawn from resurrecting their mother, she hears a knock on the door and runs to it, hoping it’s her mother. Dawn tears the photo of Joyce up that was used to bring her back in the first place, cancelling the spell. Realizing that they are truly on their own now, the two break down in front of the door and cry openly together.

Why I cried: It’s some of the first common ground we see with the two of them, especially since Joyce’s death. It’s horrible yet heartwarming to see Buffy and Dawn, at least for the time being, come together as sisters.

“I know you’ll never love me.”

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy return to her house to pick up some weapons for their fight against Glory. Upon arriving, Spike offers to take the weapons over the threshold, having been locked out of Buffy’s house previously. Buffy invites him in for the second time and tells Spike she’s counting on him to protect Dawn. He replies that he will--“’til the end of the world,” even if he dies doing so. He then tells her that, even though he knows she’ll never love him, he’s grateful that she treats him like a man.

Why I cried: Oh my God, so many reasons. From the top, Spike’s willingness to cooperate with Buffy’s wishes to stay out of her house and then Buffy’s subsequent invitation to enter back in says volumes about how far they’ve come in such a short time. Spike’s facial expression when she invites him back in began the trail of tears for me. When Spike proclaims he will protect Dawn “’til the end of the world,” that solidified the notion that he’d really changed, which overwhelmed me with emotion. And finally, when Spike says “I know you’ll never love me. I know that I’m a monster, but you treat me like a man and that’s...” That moment really touches me, firstly, because of the respect you can see on Buffy’s face. Whether or not she even likes Spike, she respects him now, after it all. Secondly, Spike is expecting to die. Whether by himself or alongside everyone, he’s expecting that this night is the end for him. And his final words to Buffy tell her: it’s alright that you don’t love me, I’m just happy to be in your life. He doesn’t try and convince her one last time, doesn’t try and persuade her. He’s a complete gentleman, and that’s the best part.

Willow finds Tara 

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Willow is finally able to get Tara back after so long without her because of Glory’s magic keeping Tara from being in control of her own mind. In a rush of joy, the two embrace, Willow telling a previously lost Tara that she’ll always find her.

Why I cried: The happiest tears come from this scene. Can you imagine being separated from your true love for so long without ever actually being physically apart from them? Having to see them every single day struggling against their own mind? That must be the hardest fate you could have. But Willow stuck with Tara, and it paid off in the end. The found each other in one of the happiest moments of the show’s run. 

Spike sees Buffy dead

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: After a long and hard fight against Glory, Buffy sacrifices herself to close the portal opened up by Summers blood. Her friends and family show varying signs of grief for their loss.

Why I cried: So, Willow and Spike had the two strongest reactions to seeing Buffy dead. Dawn was crying, but she’d already talked to Buffy and knew she would be dead when she reached the bottom of the tower. Anya was blank, seemingly because Buffy dying was almost expected. Xander and Giles showed emotion--sadness--but didn’t cry. Willow and Spike were sobbing. But why does specifically Spike make me cry? Two reasons. First: Willow is known to be very sensitive, so it’s expected that she’d break down immediately and not need time to register that Buffy had died. She went instantly to grief. Spike is known to be sensitive as well, being a poet and often shedding a tear when Buffy rejects him. But this. Spike doesn’t do this. He doesn’t absolutely break. His body doesn’t heave and convulse with sobs and sorrow. The reason Spike reacted so violently leads into my second reason, a reason James Marsters himself has stated: Buffy wasn’t just a loved one; she was his only loved one. The only person he had. That’s why what I said earlier on comes into play: Spike expected to die alone or die with everyone. He never expected to be left alone in a world without Buffy. Never. 

“Be brave. Live. For me.”

The episode: “The Gift”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Buffy is preparing to sacrifice herself to save the world, she gives her little sister, Dawn, some final words of advice to live on with after she’s gone.

Why I cried: I think it’s safe to say that this scene is one of the most remembered scenes from Buffy. And rightfully so. The reason I found this scene to be tear-inducing isn’t because Buffy is leaving her little sister or even because she’s dying willingly not only to save the world but to save herself from life. The reason this scene is so powerful is because it speaks to everyone. It tells everyone that they can be strong and live in a world so prone to kicking us when we’re down. It tells us that we can all choose to be like Buffy--a warrior. So, when I watch this scene, Buffy is speaking to me. And hearing something like that come from one of my greatest heroes, that’s a dream come true.

Spike sees Buffy alive 

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike storms into the Summers home, frantic to see if Dawn made it home safely. After scolding her for running off previously, Dawn draws his attention to a newly resurrected Buffy walking down the stairs. 

Why I cried: Two words to describe his expression: shocked and elated. It is so phenomenal the amount of emotion communicated through Spike’s eyes here. As soon as he sees her, you can see so many things pass over his face. Joy, disbelief, the effort not to cry, the urge to touch her, the need to be careful with her. All of that combined makes these few seconds something to talk about. No words, just...them.

“147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today.”

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy asks Spike, who is examining her bloody hands, how long she had been gone for. Spike replies, “147 days yesterday. Uh, 148 today. Except today doesn’t count does it?”

Why I cried: Let’s just...he counted the days. He counted the days. Not weeks. Not months. Days. And the way he’s looking at her. His expression screams that he’s so happy to see her...but also that he’s not going to hurt her or push her. Which is the very first time this season that Spike does something for Buffy that no one else can or could. This man was so broken when he saw her lifeless body, and yet he’s able to compose himself enough to make sure Buffy is comfortable and safe. That’s love right there.

Spike blames Willow

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Spike corners Xander after a pointed comment about Spike returning to his days of stalking Buffy now that she was alive again. Spike expressed anger that no one told him about the plan to revive Buffy. Xander, unable to come up with a reason as to why they didn’t tell him, is baffled when Spike proposes that Willow kept it from him on purpose. Spike suggests that Willow knew Buffy could come back from the grave other than herself and they’d have to send her back. However, since Spike wouldn’t allow that to happen if any part of it was still Buffy, he guesses that Willow kept him in the dark to keep him from interfering in the case that Buffy’s reprieve was brief. 

Why I cried: This is a little moment, I understand. But the fact that it’s implied that Spike, of all people, wouldn’t allow the gang to get rid of a rabid Buffy, that’s pretty impactful. In fact, I would’ve guessed that Spike would be the one to opt for putting Buffy back in her grave, that he wouldn’t want Buffy to live and suffer. The shocking revelation that Spike wouldn't do just that is what rocked my emotions enough to include it on this list.

“Every night, I save you.”

The episode: “After Life”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Buffy visits Spike in his crypt, likely looking for a break from the Scoobies. After an attempt from Spike to make small talk, he sits down and begins telling her what it’s been like since she died. He tells her he blames himself for her death and that ever since that night, in his mind, he never stopped saving her. 

Why I cried: Aside from character deaths, I’d put this scene in a top 5 list for Buffy’s saddest moments. He reminds her that he never stopped protecting Dawn, but then he backtracks on that idea, talks about the night she died. The way he blames himself...he erases everything else and only sees that he should’ve died protecting Dawn so Buffy wouldn’t of had to jump. And then he tells her he did save her, like it’s a sure fact, before saying he didn’t save her when it counted but he has every night since. This part is so easy to imagine: Spike laying in bed at night, maybe thinking, maybe dreaming about doing something different. About finding some other way to save Buffy, about pretending the last 147 days didn’t happen. He loses himself in his explanation, finally assuring Buffy, “Every night, I save you.” 

Giles and Tara’s duet 

The episode: “Once More, With Feeling”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Willow and Giles share a song, both expressing the need (but not desire) leave the one person they love the most. Giles, singing as a father; Tara singing as a lover. Both grieving the future loss of a relationship they wish they didn’t have to let go.

Why I cried: This little tidbit of a song gets me every time. Individually, Giles and Tara singing about losing Buffy and Willow respectively is heartbreaking on its own--but together...they both have to leave but for separate reasons, they both don’t want to leave for separate reasons, they both recognize the ending of their separate relationships. The power in this song is how a father and a lover can sing about a daughter and partner, say the exact same thing, mean the exact same thing, but for completely different circumstances. 

“You have to go on living, so one of us is living.” 

The episode: “Once More, With Feeling”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: As Buffy is dancing, about to go up in flame, Spike catches her. He sings to her about life and tells her that, even though it’s hard, she has to keeping living because that’s the only way she’ll heal.

Why I cried: This is another moment where Spike seems to know just what to say. He’s simply telling Buffy to keep fighting, like she’s always done. He’s telling her that she has to live so at least one of them is living. It’s as close to selfless as we’ve seen from Spike thus far or will see from him until his soul. It’s all for Buffy.

Tara realizes the truth

The episode: “Tabula Rasa”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Xander accidentally steps on the crystal used to facilitate the memory spell, thus breaking it. Tara, realizing Willow had again cast a spell to affect her memory, cries for the loss of their relationship.

Why I cried: It’s a very sudden moment, and that makes it harsher to watch. Willow had previously fallen on top of Tara and was still there when the spell was broken, so Tara shoved her off and stood up immediately. The jolt of the movement punctuated the possible finality of Willow and Tara. 

“Goodbye To You”

The episode: “Tabula Rasa”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Michelle Branch sings “Goodbye To You,” we see two endings and a beginning. Giles flies out for London and Tara leaves Willow. Simultaneously, Buffy and Spike indulge in each other for the second time. 

Why I cried: Let’s start with Giles. So, the saddest part about Giles’ portion of this moment is that he’s alone now. No more Buffy, no more magic shop, he’s totally alone. Dawn feels betrayed by the crumble of Willow and Tara’s relationship. Tara feels guilty about that, but she also feels sorrow for having no other choice but to leave. Willow feels remorse and pain. Meanwhile, Buffy seemingly turns Spike away after he tries to comfort her from the spell being broken, as she was slammed back into her life that she’d described before as “painful”--until she decides she wants him. And Spike gets to indulge in his need for her. Through all of these goodbyes, at least someone got the (albeit brief) happiness that they needed.

Willow’s breakdown

The episode: “Wrecked”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: After meeting with Rack, a black magic dealer, Willow crashes a vehicle with Dawn in the passenger seat. Dawn subsequently is nearly killed by a demon, saved just in time by Spike and Buffy. Spike takes Dawn home as Willow has a breakdown, exclaiming that she can’t stop using magic, that she ruined everything.

Why I cried: When you see a character, especially one you love, completely shatter in front of you, that has an impact. Willow was just so limp and weak in that moment, a moment where she admitted that she was wrong and that she needed help. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for her to come to that conclusion, how much the guilt of nearly killing Dawn was eating at her. And yet, in this moment of weakness, she asked Buffy for help. And that is the strongest thing she could’ve done.

“I could never be your girl.”

The episode: “Dead Things”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Johnathan, Warren, and Andrew devise a plan to frame Buffy for the accidental murder of Warren’s ex-girlfriend. After their plan was successful, Buffy planned to turn herself in. Spike, however, wasn’t going to let Buffy throw her life away because of an accident. She began hitting him as Spike egged her on, told her to put it all on him. When she did, he said, “That’s my girl.” To this, Buffy hit him faster and harder, screaming that she could never be his girl because he was a soulless, evil “thing.”

Why I cried: The first part of why this scene is so emotional is because Buffy is trying so hard to deny that she enjoys being with Spike. Combine that with the guilt from “killing” that girl, and Buffy’s portion of this scene is extremely intense. Now, for Spike’s. Seeing Spike get insulted and beat on and emotionally torn up, crushes me. Considering all he’d done in the past, yes, he deserved it. But considering that he was trying, he definitely didn’t deserve it. And even after all that, he still tried to keep her from going into that police station. And Buffy looked horrified when she took in what she’d done to Spike. “You always hurt the one you love, pet.”

Buffy confides in Tara

The episode: “Dead Things”

My rating: 3/5 

The moment: Buffy had previously asked Tara to test her and see if she’d come back from the grave wrong. When Tara confirmed that nothing was wrong with her, Buffy broke down, insisting that there must be for her to let Spike touch her. Tara assured her that it was alright and that she understood. Buffy, not wanting to be forgiven, laid her head in Tara’s lap and begged for Tara not to forgive her.

Why I cried: The small thing here is that Buffy and Tara’s relationship is being built up by this, which is the one positive thing. But, it’s just overwhelmingly sad that Buffy feels so horrible for being with Spike and increasingly more sad that she thinks she should be punished for it. Of course, there’s more in her that’s broken aside from her attraction to Spike, but the sheer shame in her eyes is completely heartbreaking.

“You glow.”

The episode: “Hell’s Bells”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy attempt to be civil after their break-up. Spike tells Buffy that it’s nice to see her happy, even if it isn’t with him, because he doesn’t get to see it a lot. He tells her she glows, and then she does.

Why I cried: The thing that kept running through my mind during this scene was that if they had simply treated each other like this before, they would’ve been beautiful together.

Xander leaves Anya at the altar 

The episode: “Hell’s Bells”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Xander, afraid of ending up like the man in his falsified vision or even like his parents, leaves Anya at the altar on their wedding day. 

Why I cried: Anya was supposed to be the one to leave. Anya was supposed to be the scared partner, afraid of getting hurt. Instead, Xander was the one to leave. Because he was afraid of hurting her. Unfortunately, both Xander and Anya did or got exactly what they didn’t want. 

Xander and Buffy catch Anya and Spike

The episode: “Entropy”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Due to a camera put in the Magic Box by the Trio, Xander and Buffy see Spike and Anya having sex. Xander, determined to kill Spike, is chased down by Buffy who stops him. Xander and Anya argue about Xander’s choice to leave Anya at the altar. Xander says he can’t look at her anymore because she’s been with Spike. It’s at this moment that Spike reveals his previous involvement with Buffy, causing a rift between all four of them.

Why I cried: It’s just one of those scenes that all you can do is sit back and watch as it all crumbles in front of you. You want to agree with Buffy and Xander because they’re the traditional “good guys,” but they are the ones who left Anya and Spike out in the cold. A lot of conflicting emotions for the viewer.

Spike attempts to rape Buffy

The episode: “Seeing Red”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike goes to apologize to Buffy for hurting her because of his encounter with Anya. Buffy tells him that, although she has feelings for him, it isn’t love. This is misconstrued by Spike, leading to an attempted rape that is quickly derailed by Buffy kicking Spike off.

Why I cried: I could go on about this scene. The very first time I watched this, I didn’t cry. I didn’t do anything. I just sat there, completely frozen. I felt helpless, hopeless. I couldn’t stop what was happening, I couldn’t look away. I understood fully and entirely what was going on in this scene, what the point was. I knew that Spike instantly regretted what he did, that he didn’t even register until afterwards what it was that he’d almost done. I knew Buffy knew that too. But all I could think was, “This is it. This is how Spike and Buffy’s story ends.” And it just saddened me so much. It made me so empty to think that this was how the greatest love story I’d ever seen before got it’s end. I just felt like the world drained away and all that was left was hopelessness. I remember I had to shut off my computer afterwards and sit in silence for hours, not moving, not thinking, just hurting. And then the tears came. Because of all that I mentioned above, it all hit me and once and I broke. I couldn’t and, really still can’t, touch that scene. To this day, it just brings back the feeling that nothing matters and hope is lost.

Tara dies  

The episode: “Villains”

My rating: 5/5

The moment: After Tara is shot and killed by Warren, Willow weeps over her body.

Why I cried: It’s Tara. It’s Tara and it’s Willow and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that they only got to be happy again for a moment before it was all ripped away. It isn’t fair that Willow has to feel pain like that. It’s just not fair.

Yellow crayon

The episode: “Grave”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Xander goes to Willow, who is bent on destroying the world. He tells her that if she plans on destroying the world, he’s going with her. He repeats that he loves her, angering her at first, but eventually getting through to her as he tells her one last time.

Why I cried: It’s just a very powerful moment coming from Xander. After all both of them have been through: losing their loves together (whether that be Cordy and Oz or Anya and Tara), growing up together, staying together through all the pain. Of all the relationships on the show, Xander and Willow have got to have the strongest one. 

Willow cries in Xander’s arms 

The episode: “Grave”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: After talking her down, Xander is finally able to embrace Willow as she comes back to herself.

Why I cried: He did it. Xander saved the world. Xander, the guy who always considers himself useless. He saved the world. And he saved Willow. How amazing is he? 

The church scene

The episode: “Beneath You”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike reveals to Buffy that he got his soul back. He first tells her that his soul has been torturing him ever since he got it back, that he doesn’t blame her for not loving him, that he feels terribly for trying to hurt her. He then asks why everything isn’t fixed, confused by the fact that his soul is causing more trouble than it is fixing him. He then rests on a cross, burning himself as Buffy watches in the distance.

Why I cried: The whole scene, Spike is saying seemingly nonsensical things that all add up to him telling Buffy about how miserable he’s been since he got his soul back. Knowing the pain he went through to get his soul in the first place and that he’s in pain still is enough to tear anyone up. But my pain comes when Spike says he wasn’t a good man--or rather, a man at all--before he got his soul. That moment when his voice breaks and he tells Buffy he got his soul for her so that he could be worthy of being. And then he lays himself on the cross, a symbol for the fact that he’s still a monster, still worthy of pain and unworthy of love. And Buffy looks to be a combination of horrified and guilty as she stares on at this man that went through Hell for her and can’t find his way back.

“Stay here, and help me be quiet.”

The episode: “Help”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy comes down the basement to ask Spike for his help in saving a girl that is meant to die on that day. She asks Spike if there is any evil in the basement, and he identifies himself as the evil because he hurt Buffy. Once Buffy realizes he has nothing useful for her, she begins to walk away. Spike calls after her and asks her to stay with him to help him be quiet. Buffy replies that it’s worse when she’s there and walks away.

Why I cried: Spike just looks so beaten. When Buffy speaks to him, he uses her voice to ground him and keep him in reality. You can see him trying to think, trying to stay there in the moment. Trying to understand what she’s asking of him. And he says that he’s paying (with the pain from his soul) because he hurt Buffy. He doesn’t want to hurt the girl. Finally, as Buffy walks away from him, he pleads with her to stay there, to help him keep the voices out. She denies his plea and leaves him sitting alone.

“It’s still all about you.”

The episode: “Sleeper”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy accuses Spike of killing the girl he went out with the night before. Spike tells her he couldn’t have, because he got his soul. Furthermore, he’s offended that she thinks he would go to the trouble of getting his soul back just to kill again. He tells her he does go out and talk to women, but only because he can’t talk to her. Spike continues, saying that, unlike the chip, the soul he got on his own, for her. As Buffy’s telling him she knows that, Spike says that he only passes time with other women because at the end of the day, it’s still all about her.

Why I cried: Spike is trying so hard here to make her believe that he’d really, undeniably changed. And he looks so hurt that she really thinks he’d kill someone after all he went through to be better. More than that, he’s so terrified that somehow he did do it. Because he doesn’t want to be the bad man anymore. This whole scene is just pure emotion.

“Do it fast, okay?”

The episode: “Sleeper”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike asks Buffy to kill him in this scene. He mentions that “He” said she would do it, prompting Buffy to ask him what he remembered about the killings. Spike, upon saying that he doesn’t remember anything, begs to forget what he’d done. Buffy tells him that something mystical has been messing with him, to which Spike responds by asking her to help him, and Buffy agrees.

Why I cried: He looks so small. That’s not something we’re used to seeing. This big, bad, 100+ year old vampire is cowering in the corner, begging for death by the hands of the Slayer. And the way his voice breaks when he asks Buffy, “Do it fast, okay?” just breaks my heart. All he wants to do is stop the pain, whether that means ending his life or forgetting it ever happened. 

“I believe in you, Spike.”

The episode: “Never Leave Me”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Spike insists that Buffy kill him before he can hurt anyone else because of the First. Buffy assures him that if he hadn’t really changed, he’d already be dead. She tells him that he fought every evil instinct he had to be the good man standing in front of her. Right before the Bringers break in and kidnap Spike, Buffy looks at him and tells him she believes in him.

Why I cried: During this scene, all I think about is how much they’ve grown, namely Buffy. I think about all the negative feelings she had towards Spike, how she realized that she didn’t need to feel those things anymore. She let go of the hate she had for him and instead put faith where hate had previously resided. Faith for Spike. That’s a damn big change. Just the way Spike looks back at her... He is totally and completely surprised by what she’s said. It’s hard to put that into words, but he’s so taken aback by the fact that she believes in him. In my opinion, it isn’t, “You believe in me?” It’s, “You really believe in me?” That’s what makes it magnificent. 

Spike resists the First

The episode: “Bring on the Night”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: The First interrogates and tortures Spike, who refuses to give over to whatever the First has planned. The First challenges him, asks him why he thinks he’ll be any good at all in the world as something other than evil. Spike simply says, “She does. Because she believes in me.”

Why I cried: So, for one, resisting the most powerful force of evil ever is hard enough, especially since Spike, as a vampire, is supposed to be evil by nature. But Spike isn’t resisting because the First hurt him. He isn’t resisting because he wants to be a good man. He's resisting because Buffy believes he can be a good man. And that’s enough. 

Buffy saves Spike

The episode: “Showtime”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike, becoming doubtful that Buffy would risk her life to save him, looks up to see her standing in front of him with a knife in her hand. Sure that it’s the First playing with his emotions again, he insists she’s not real. Buffy, without a word, cuts him free of his bonds. They look at each other, relieved, and walk out of the cave, free.

Why I cried: Look at his face. He was so scared that Buffy wouldn’t come for him, even though he’d tried to convince himself that she would. When she does come for him, he just looks so happy. Almost in awe of her and his love for her and his elation at seeing her and knowing she cared for him enough to save him. And Buffy. I think upon seeing Spike that joyful, she got overwhelmed herself. Almost assuring him with her eyes that, “I’m here,” but also feeling that heavy emotion with him. All together, a peaceful and beautiful scene.

“I’m not ready for you to not be here.”

The episode: “First Date”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Spike suggests that he leave town in the case that the First wasn’t done using him yet. Buffy tells him he’s not going to leave. Misunderstanding, Spike tells her that with Wood around, she won’t need him in the final fight. But Buffy corrects him and tells him that’s not why she needs him to stay. Spike asks her what her reasoning is and she says, “’Cause I’m not ready for you to not be here.”

Why I cried: Let’s talk Spike first. He looks as though he’s discovered for the first time that Buffy feels something more for him. And I think it confuses him. Buffy doesn’t just disregard the idea that she only needs Spike for the fight, she doesn’t even make that a possibility. She could’ve said she needed him for the fight as well, but also because she just needed him. But instead she implies that the only reason he has to stay is because she needs him. That is...wow.

Andrew closes the Hellmouth 

The episode: “Storyteller”

My rating: 1/5

The moment: Buffy tells Andrew that, unlike other people’s blood, his will close the Hellmouth rather than open it. Andrew fears that Buffy is going to kill him, and Buffy makes him see how horrible it was that he’d killed Johnathan. She holds him over the Hellmouth as he cries, and as his tears hit the Hellmouth’s opening, it closes. 

Why I cried: Andrew’s redemption arc was something that I took very well and appreciated. Knowing the First’s affect on people can shed some light onto why Andrew would’ve killed Johnathan, no matter how bad of a decision it was. So, seeing him repent like this is hard. At the same time, you can see Buffy feels a little bad for causing him pain, even though she was mostly only doing it to close the portal to the Hellmouth. It’s also the first real time we see Andrew gain any acceptance from Buffy. It’s very touching.

Buffy gets kicked out

The episode: “Empty Places”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: The potentials, Buffy’s friends, and fellow Slayer, Faith decide to vote Buffy out of her leadership role. They state that she’s too reckless and controlling and that they’d much rather be under Faith’s command (much to Faith's dismay). Buffy then leaves with one last plea for Faith to protect them.

Why I cried: Here’s the thing, it’s hard to watch because everybody in this scene is right. Buffy is right about the vineyard holding something important to their battle. The group is right that she’s been too brash and bossy about her decision making. Buffy is wrong in assuming that her opinion is the only one that matters, and the group is wrong to throw her out of her house. Just knowing that there’s a better solution to this situation makes it horrible to watch.

Spike gives Buffy strength

The episode: “Touched”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Spike finds Buffy in an abandoned house, saddened by the realization that she had lost herself in her journey as Slayer. As a part of Buffy confiding in Spike, she mentions that he only wanted her because she was unattainable. This prompts Spike to sit her down and tell her why it is he loves her, giving Buffy back the confidence that she needs to finish the fight.

Why I cried: All this scene is, is Spike totally and utterly being there for Buffy. He’s not doing it for selfish reasons. He’s not doing it as a backdoor way to tell her yet again that he loves her. He’s only saying these things to Buffy for Buffy. He only wants for her to see herself the way he does, the way many do. And, for the first time, he tells her why he loves her, not just that he does. Which is something I don’t think he could articulate before his soul. And Buffy is just so touched by what he’s saying, she’s washed away by this man sitting in front of her. There’s nothing better.

Spike holds Buffy

The episode: “Touched”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: As Spike prepares to sleep either in another room or on a chair in the same room as Buffy, she calls to him and asks him to hold her. The two spend the night together in each other’s arms.

Why I cried: It’s just lovely, isn’t it? To see them be intimate? Especially amidst every other character in this montage making love. Spike and Buffy had their turn to be physical, now they get the chance to just be with each other. Spike goes to Buffy with no hesitation after she asks him to hold her, at first prepared to do whatever made her comfortable. It’s another moment where Spike removes himself from the situation, only there to be there for Buffy. Absolutely lovely.

“Terrified.” 

The episode: “End of Days”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy asks Spike how he felt about the night before, the night they spent together. He tells her he’s terrified. He says that the night before was the best night of his life. Buffy tells him she was there with him just before the two decide to leave the rest of this discussion until after they “go be heroes.” 

Why I cried: Goodness, where do I start? Both of them are afraid the previous night didn’t mean as much to the other as it did to them. Buffy finally decides that she wants to lay out her feelings for Spike and know his feelings for her. Spike is terrified that he loves her so much, that he might lose her, that she may not want him. And when Buffy tells him she was completely in that moment with him...oh my God, Spike’s face. He’s just so hopeful. After all the Hell they’ve both been through, they find hope in each other.

Buffy calls Spike a champion

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Buffy comes home, after her talk with Angel, with an amulet that is meant to be worn by a champion to save the world. The champion is meant to have a soul but be more than human, so Spike tells Buffy that if Angel wasn’t staying to wear it, then he should instead. Buffy tells him that it’s meant to be worn by a champion, and Spike’s expression falls just before Buffy steps forward and places it in his hand.

Why I cried: Buffy set that up on purpose specifically to show Spike how deeply she felt about him and to make him happy. You can see in her eyes that she’s trying to convey the way she feels, and Spike glows when she implies that he is a champion. This little moment between them is breathtaking. 

Buffy and Spike spend their last night together

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Spike and Buffy look at each other fondly before spending the night--what they assume to be their last night alive--together.

Why I cried: All together, these silent few moments mean so much. They could’ve spent their last night with anyone, but they decided to spend it with each other. That alone shows how much they mean to one another. A happy moment to preface the end of their story on Buffy.

Anya dies

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: In her heroic effort to save Andrew’s life, Anya sacrifices her own.

Why I cried: Anya finally got to be brave. She wasn’t running away anymore, she took her stand and became a warrior. It’s a bittersweet goodbye knowing that she and Xander could’ve come together again, but in the end, Anya died a hero.

Spike and Buffy’s goodbye

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: As Spike’s amulet activates, Buffy rushes over to him. Spike tells her he’s staying behind to finish the job, and Buffy grabs his hand, igniting a flame. Buffy then says a long awaited, “I love you.” Spike responds, “No you don’t, but thanks for saying it.” 

Why I cried: Why did I cry? I cried because Buffy loved him as soon as their hand’s clasped. I cried because Spike didn’t believe her. I cried because they’d come so far just to lose each other. I cried because within this tragic moment, this made me happier than anything. I cried because it’s Spike and Buffy.

Spike dies

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 5/5

The moment: Spike sacrifices himself to save the world.

Why I cried: I was in denial that he was dead up until the end. I couldn’t believe it. Spike’s journey is the single most amazing thing ever to be shown, not just on Buffy, but anywhere. In his final moments, he gets to be a good man--a champion. Spike isn’t just a secondary character. He isn’t just someone Buffy had a relationship with. Spike became so important to the show and to its viewers that he got to save the world in the biggest, baddest final battle. And he didn’t just save the world, he saved himself. And he saved Buffy. He saved his world, and that was enough to give him peace in this final moment. 

“That’s my girl.”

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 2/5

The moment: Andrew tells Xander what happened with Anya, that she died saving his life. Xander bears a sad smile as he says, “That’s my girl.”

Why I cried: Xander didn’t get angry or cry or break down. He was just proud. And even with all the pain Xander and Anya caused each other, she never stopped being his girl.

“Spike.”

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 3/5

The moment: Buffy reunites with the gang, and Giles asks what caused the massive destruction left behind after the Hellmouth was destroyed. Buffy simply replies, “Spike.”

Why I cried: Spike deserved to be the last word said from Buffy’s mouth. And, much like Xander’s reaction to Anya’s death, Buffy looks to be a combination of sad and proud. So proud that Spike saved them all in the end, even if she had to lose him.

The End

The episode: “Chosen”

My rating: 4/5

The moment: Buffy looks on at the remains (or lack thereof) of Sunnydale, her home, destroyed. But, as the gang asks what they do now that the battle is over, Buffy smiles, excited for this end and for another beginning.

Why I cried: Because this is the end. It’s that feeling of punctuation, of finality. You reflect on all that has happened before this point and all it’s done for you. And then you realize that it’s over. But at the same time, you know that nothing ever really ends. 

Okay, I hope you enjoyed this depressingly wonderful post, and I hope I made you cry. Honestly, I do. In all seriousness, it’s everything about this show, not just its sad moments, that made me (and so many others) better than we were. I’ll always look to Buffy because, even in its tragedies, it makes me stronger.

[allibellalotus]

“One runs the risk of weeping a little, if one allows himself to be tamed.” - 📖 The Little Prince #shinebright #mondaymood #wildandfree #manifestationbabe #bethelight #iamme #energyiseverything #positivevibesonly https://www.instagram.com/p/BtLy7mZnMZP/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=12yx3z730br58

[headhunterjosh-blog1]

There’s a first time for everything.

WC: 1.329

Book 

He was just a baby. Too young to understand the words his mother mumbled under her breath as she read Le Petit Prince to him quietly in soft French, voice warm and loving. But he grew into it. Grew to understand the words and the meaning behind them. He was still young and gullible. To him, every word that left his mother's mouth was an undeniable truth like the blue of the sky.

He believed every word. Took the good and the bad and everything in between at face value. He let it shape him and the way he saw the world around him.

Only that the bad seemed to outweigh the good.

As years passed by, he forgot the parts about stars and love and hope.

On risque de pleurer un peu si l'on s'est laissé apprivoiser. tought him not to get attached. That letting your guard downs was just another way to allow people to hurt you.

Tu deviens responsable pour toujours de ce que tu as apprivoisé. tought him that others, too, would be hurt if he'd allow himself to get too close.

“Où sont les hommes ? reprit enfin le petit prince. On est un peu seul dans le désert…” “On est seul aussi chez les hommes“, dit le serpent. tought him that whether he was close to people or not didn't even matter in the end.

Memory

He was three. That's when they moved away. Left London behind and moved into a tiny little town by the coast.

And yet when he spoke of home he thought of London.

He remembered it.

Remembered running through their house, remembered sitting on the hardwood floor of their dining room by himself, looking at his mother, watching her prepare dinner in the kitchen. One of the rare occasions she would cook.

It was nothing life changing. Didn't even seem important.

But it reminded him of different times. Not necessarily easier. Or better. But different.

Movie

He was six. Finally, finally old enough to watch the one movie all the kids in school talked about.

Star Wars Episode I.

A movie that was older than himself. He couldn't even read the intro text.

And yet he was hooked. Incredibly hooked. Kicking of a secret obsession that lasted years and years.

Friend

He was 8.

And he had met her over and over again at his parent’s stupid parties.

Red haired, quiet girl.

Never cared much about her. Barely even noticed her while he was playing with the boys, even kept forgetting her name.

That was until one day.

Where it was just him, her and this one kid he really, really, really hated.

So he pushed him down a flight of stairs. And that kid had the audacity to cry and tattle on him.

And he was so sure that he'd be in trouble. Basically as good as dead. So he did what he had to do and lied, told his parents that the boy was clumsy, tripped and fell. And then his father looked at her. And ask him if it was true.

And she just gave a sly smile and nodded.

And from that moment on he knew that she was someone he wanted to keep around.

Kiss

He was 12.

He was in middle school and people thought that he was the coolest because he didn't care about anything. Because he broke the rules. Because he got into fights and got send to the principle, bruised and bloody and smiling.

She was his classmate. Too clever for her own good and too naive, too.

It was a cliché really, like a scene from some terrible movie, when he kissed her after school because she let him copy her answers for the maths exam he didn't study for.

Time Drinking

He was 13.

And suddenly he felt so, so right. Hanging out with his friends in their back yard. Breaking into his father's liquor cabinet while his parents were out, attending some stupid dinner party, leaving him at home out of fear he would embarrass them.

His first sip burned, made him cough and pull a face.

His second sip still burned, but it warmed him up, inside out.

He didn't remember how many sips he had, but his mind was buzzing, his head felt fuzzy and vision was blurry but they were laughing.

And he was really, really happy for the first time in a very long time.

Tattoo

He was 16.

And he was in pain.

He didn't mind the scars he had. The ones he could hide under a t-shirt. The ones no one had to see.

But this one was different.

He could feel people looking, staring even, at mark at the back of his neck where is father's belt had split the skin deep enough to leave a mark. Just a little bit too high. High enough for it to always peak out above his collar, no matter what he was wearing.

It was messy. A rush job. An idea that only came up after a party and too many shots of tequila. And it hurt. A lot. 

He could feel people looking, staring even, at the mark at the back his neck. Deep black ink replacing whatever was there before. But this time, he didn't mind.

It started a habit. Scars covered in ink, replacing old marks with new ones. Some from beatings, some from fights, some he could blame on no one but himself. 

Without the story behind them, his skin looked like a sketchbook covered in random doodles, but to him, they painted a picture, told a story.

Heartbreak

He was 17.

People would go on and on about how they were heartbroken when someone left them.

But they always fail to mention that your heart also breaks when you leave.

In this case not a person.

But a place.

His parents moved him to the US.

He hated New York. Spend his first week in bed on his own. Blinds closed. Staring into the darkness. Not talking. Not eating.

He was devastated.

And if he ever experienced heartbreak in his life, this was it.

Car

He was 18.

He still remembered how he got it. Just got his license and of course, as rich parents do, they gave their spoiled son a brand new car for his birthday.

A Porsche.

Fancy enough to have people staring when he arrived at school, music blasting from his speakers, stepping out of it with a smug smile as if this was his kingdom.

He and his friends would spend endless hours in it. Smoking and laughing and singing along to the radio. Drinking and cruising through the city as if it as theirs to own.

He still remembered how he thrashed it.

The memory of crunching metal and glass shattering and people screaming forever edged into his memory. Waking him up at night.

He didn't miss it.

Job

He was 19.

Just out of Britain.

Just out of school, too.

He never had to work a day in his life and he didn't expect he'd ever would.

But now he was away from home and without something to occupy him he didn't know how to function.

He worked at a café for a while, selling coffee and giving out smiles, earning himself tips and phone numbers.

But still, he knew he couldn't work there forever. There were things he just couldn't handle.

The most important one being people expecting him to show up and having a boss.

So he called his dad and asked for a favour.

Bought a coffee truck.

Sold wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted, stayed in bed when he didn't want to at all, took people to bed that he met at work.

Love 

He's 22.

No stranger to desire and lust and passion.

But he had never felt love.

Never said I love you.

Not to friends. Not to his family.

Never heard I love you.

Not from friends. Not from his family.

Instead, he drifted in and out affairs. Spend more nights with strangers in his bed than even he would like to admit.

And for the longest time, he thought that this would never change.

But slowly.

Very slowly.

He felt like it just might.