#[lol ye it is called being stressed and depressed i want to quit but atm i cant

[convxction]

[looks into my blogs. inbox is full of good things to get my brain motivated to write. thanks chris and pelleas for always sending chef kiss content. you can also send me chef kiss content if you want. the inbox is always open ~

today i will try to figure out a way to make a better interest check page thing for my multi since the one i have is .....................not good. and see to have a proper q on blogs weee

[jikook-love]

tagged by @bangtanseonyeontrash​ tanks for keeping me entertained gurled :’)

THE LAST…

-drink: orange juice :3

-phone call: MY DAD. MY ONE AND ONLY OTO-SAN <3 

-Text message: my loser sister

-Song you listened to: Love Battery by Hong Jin Young (still. IT JUST CAME ON BY CHANCE OKAI but it’s goo--oop, now it’s Decalcomanie by Mamamoo dere you go)

-time you cried: idk like a week ago? out of sadness that is. i cried this morning when my sister was playing League of Legends. 

Have you ever…..

-dated someone twice: nah man. once the wind blows away it won’t return (Boys Over Flowers quote that frankly, never made sense to me)

-kissed someone and regretted it: nope. i ain’t an easy woman

-been cheated on: technically that one time on LINE chat in high school I was diqing role playing around with this guy. i’m pretty sure i knew he had a waifu but chose to ignore it. but then i became friends with her and then three of us just got together to FIGHT and I’d accuse him of being a cheater and shiet so uhhh...no i guess not (just reminded me of it LOL) 

-lost someone special: you’re lucky if you haven’t my friend 

-been depressed: it is but a coping mechanism for me at this point :) 

-gotten drunk and thrown up: i don’t drink :D 

Three favorite colors…..

Blue, black & white 

In the last year have you…..

-made new friends: mm hmm ^^

-laughed until you cried: OOOH YES. it’s the best feeling. until i get a stomachache and make one too many weird noises

-found out that someone was talking about you: ...maybe? idk. i feel like i have but idgaf cause they’re so irrelevant my brain doesn’t even care to remember them anyway LUL 

-met someone who changed you: of course ^^ good and bad people alike ofc :) 

-found out who your friends are: hmm...i guess so? 

-kissed someone on your Facebook friends list: i deleted facebook so this question becomes dubious ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 

-Do you have any pets?: nope. 

-Do you want to change your name?: i did. until i realized how blessed it was to have a short name :)

-What did you do for your last birthday?:  i had a joint b-day with my mom (that sounds so weird). but she invited her friends and i invited mine and i aggressively forced them to eat all the foods and sing karaoke :’)

-What time did you wake up?: can we not talk about this i feel so attacked rn (it was 9:30 a.m. and then somehow it became 11:30 a.m.)

-What what you were you doing at midnight last night?: reading sketchy manga. probably. 

-Name something you can’t wait for: my fuqing lab results to FINALLY SHOW

-When was the last time you saw your mom?: last month :’( but it’s funny cause she’s coming back from her vacation tonight and we’re coming to pick her up ^^

-What are you listening to right now?: Troublemaker by Troublemaker (BUT WHEN WILL CERTAIN PPL COVER THIS SONG SO I CAN LIVE jkjk that’s asking too much...or is it?)

-Have you ever talked to someone named Tom?: probably. 

-Something that gets on your nerves?: when people don’t give credit where credit is due ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  

-Most visited website: NCBI. jk i’m not that cool. tumblr, probably OTL

-Hair color: black. like my soul

-Long or short hair: it’s getting longer again. and i indeed to keep it that way ;)

-Do you have a crush on someone?: even if i wanted to there’s just trash all around ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

-What do you like about yourself?: atm? that i washed my bedsheets and blanket on sunday and now they still feel really good and fluffy and i can’t even get out of them <3 best thing i ever did for me 

-Blood type: unknown. probably O though.

-Nickname: Hoe 

-Relationship status: Still irrelevant. 

-Zodiac: CANCER. like the embodiment of my tumblr 

-Pronouns: She/Her

-Favorite T.V shows: i only watch anime gdi White Collar, Sherlock (ish), Friends

-Tattoos: nooone. 

-Right or Left handed: meta. 

-Surgery: nope.

-Sport: i used to play badminton and wanna pick it up again but other than that I don’t move :D 

-Vacation: what about vacation...? Recentest one was with my sister to Montreal in the summer and it was the littest thing I’d ever done in my life :’D

-Pair of shoes: Sneakers. pretty much always.

-Eating: stress lul

-Drinking: watterrrrrr

-I’m about to: go back to work :’)

-Waiting for?: my life to be sorted out. soon hopefully :)

-Want?: to have a plan for next year upon graduating :’)

-Get married?: when you find a person who can tolerate my sense of humour and my hobbies and has a mild neglect kink let me know

-Career?: Probably gonna go to grad school cause I actually really enjoy doing research, and we’ll see who I end up preaching from there ^^

Which is better?

-Hugs or kisses?: lul. neither. idfk how to hug (or kiss) people. WHAT IS SKINSHIP.

-Lips or eyes?: EYEZ. 

-Shorter or taller?: Tall. 

-Older or younger?: Older. oppa plz. 

-Nice arms or stomach?: ...? idk?

-Hook up or relationship?: relationSHIP SHIP SHIP

-Troublemaker or hesitant?: Balance plz. i cannot handle an extremity of either 

-Kissed a stranger?: nope

-Drink hard liquor?: nah

-Lost glasses/contact lenses?: no

-Turned someone down?: we don’t talk anymore ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

-Sex on the first date?: nada

-Broken someone’s heart?: doubt it. i probably unintentionally broke some other thing instead. 

-Had a broken heart?: not really. 

-Been arrested?: almost. but not quite. 

-Cried when someone died?: ya. 

-Fallen for a friend?: yes 

Do you belive in…..

-Yourself?: moreso recently, so I guess so

-Miracles?: LOL YES. I got to where I am based on miracles pretty sure

-Love at first sight?: not yet? unless you count animals then that’s different 

-Santa Claus?: rn no but holy shiet when i’m around children no one tell me to calm down 

-Kiss on the first date?: nah. i like making people wait when i can ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

phew that was long! i’ll  tag @yildiz-blackthorne, @kaliheartsjikook and anyone else who read this until the end ^^

[psychoth]

Conversations with my mother.

Also....

  http://parrishmiller.com/narcissists.html

(For dad, not you)

I'm looking at this and ... I don't know if he's a straight up narcI'm talking to my friend, whose dad's personality basically IS this list.

Dad is definitely 1, borderline 2, semi-3, 4 is no, 5 I'm not sure, 6 no, 7 no, 8 no, 9 not really, 10 maybe a little, 11 yes I think, 12 yes, 13 yes, 14 yes, 15 no, 16 sort of sometimes, 17 kind of, 18 no, 19 maybe, 20 YES, 21 no, 22 no, 23 no, 24 I don't know

I haven't read it yet, but your dad's side of the family has a really strong trait of narcissim...

My friend/writing partner's dad is like ... psycho

I've felt that for a long time, it was like when I flew out with your dad and met them for the first time... all they did was talk about themselves.  They never asked about me, I felt talked at for two weeks.

Like wouldn't let them have doors on their room psycho

wow

So I always conflate narcissism with THAT level of nuts

But I was talking to her today like 'lol <thing dad used to do>' and she's like 'that sounds like a narc

I don't think he quite qualifies as a full on narcissist, because he is missing a few of the important points...BUT - there is a hell of a lot that fits him.

And eloiseand Astrid

I do think he feels us as more than extensions of himself.

Which seems to be central to narc ... ness

Uhmmm.....I'm not so sure he does....

Viewing the people close to you as things.

He does do that.

He doesn't respect you kids, he never has... you are extensions of him, everything you do that doesn't meet his standards is an embarrassment to him.

I barely talk to him anymore, and so much of my childhood/teenagehood, my memory feels super shaky.

Yeah, I'm super pissed at myself and him about your childhood.

Because for the most part, I was constantly protecting you.

shrug I'm fine now

Like ... I'm just trying to understand now, mostly because it will help and

Also I'm worried about my sisters.

We had a couple of bad instances - but the fact that you don't remember me sticking up for you and associate all the crap things he did with both of us, makes me sooooo angry that I went along with his "united" front theory of parenting.

I think it's a lot easier for me to forgive you any fuckups than it is him, because you've put SO MUCH EFFORT into growing and changing and becoming this awesome super mom

(I mean there was a couple of times I was not cool in how I parented you, I'm SOOO sorry about Sable.)

That's the thing, I wasn't perfect with you, but I was also an awesome super mom for you too.

Like you're not perfect, nobody is, I wouldn't expect that of ANYONE, but you acknowledge your mistakes and you TALK about them

But you don't even remember that.

That matters to me a lot

With dad...He never acknowledges that he's done anything wrong, really.

Or if he does... he doesn't work to fix it.

He doesn't try to be better.

He doesn't question himself, he doesn't LISTEN

I know

And that BOTHERS ME SO MUCH

I tried for 20 years to get him to be betterand he was... a little

and whatever progress I made, was erased when he married Jenn

Sigh

I just want to understand.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if the abuse is severe enough that he is legally committing child abuse.

I don't actually know.

Both for myself, and for my sisters.

What help does understanding do?

It doesn't make it any easier to live through

Like ... if you look at it from an outside perspective, yelling isn't abuse, right?

But that psychological terrorizing... idk

I don't know what to do.  And now, the little girls are not even saying it's that bad.I think it is abusive, and sometimes, I think he's crossing the line where a court would agree.

But it's not consistently enough that I can call him out on it.

Look up verbal abuse, it's illegal to verbally abuse your children.

And let me know if you think he would qualify - by law - as verbally abusive.

"Typical language used in these definitions is “injury to the psychological capacity or emotional stability of the child as evidenced by an observable or substantial change in behavior, emotional response, or cognition” and injury as evidenced by “anxiety, depression, withdrawal, or aggressive behavior.”

I mean....Yeah

https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubPDFs/define.pdf#page=2&view=Types%20of%20abusewww.childwelfare.govchildwelfare.gov

Yeah

I don't know.

you could report him.

Fiona told him he is literally giving her anxiety

and he told her, no, he isn't.

But Linnea has told me firmly, that she loves him and that she can handle it by monitoring herself so that she doesn't do anything that pisses him off.

This is the same tactic that Annika took.

.... wince

Managing him by tiptoeing around his anger.If he starts to escalate, she fixes whatever is escalating him.

Fiona I think is going along with what Linnea wants, but she's spoken up a few times saying that she's still being yelled at.

I really think #2 is a yes... more so than when you were growing up.

“Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you're punished for your insistence ("Since you're old enough to date, I think you're old enough to pay for your own clothes!") If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your "independence."”

Lara

He wouldn't let them play outside, they couldn't walk two blocks to go to the park.

That's the definition/information specifically for Oregon

nods

well, it certainly fits for both you and annika

It pisses me off how much damage he would do to her from a simple weekend visit.

Maybe I should talk to one of the counselors here and ask them if I should report it.

I'm actually a mandatory reporter, so if I know abuse is going on, I'm required to report it.

I'm going to go find someone to talk to .

God he'd be so. fucking. pissed.

If CPS reached out to him.

He'd be absolutely furious.

You know he'll rant and rave and rage. Are those reports anonymous? Cause if you did that and he found out...Things would get fucking UGLY.

Okay - she said we should go ahead and report

We can report anonymous

and they won't do anything anyway

but it builds a case.

They only investigate for sexual and physical abuse.

She said they don't even investigate neglect.

Wow

You don't have to if you don't want to.  But I'm going to do it.

Later, I'm working atm...

hugs

I don't know if I'm ready to do that.

I might be at some point, but... not yet. >:

Understood.

Well, I'm FURIOUS about Annika

Like my heart just started racing

I was there with you.

And my hands got a little shaky

But Annika was subjected to his abuse...without any moderation from me.

Well, it helped me to know it can be done anonymously and that DHS won't go knocking his door down.

“17. She "parentifies." She shed her responsibilities to you as soon as she was able, leaving you to take care of yourself as best you could. She denied you medical care, adequate clothing, necessary transportation or basic comforts that she would never have considered giving up for herself. She never gave you a birthday party or let you have sleepovers. Your friends were never welcome in her house. She didn't like to drive you anywhere, so you turned down invitations because you had no way to get there. She wouldn't buy your school pictures even if she could easily have afforded it. You had a niggardly clothing allowance or she bought you the cheapest clothing she could without embarrassing herself. As soon as you got a job, every request for school supplies, clothing or toiletries was met with "Now that you're making money, why don't you pay for that yourself?" You studied up on colleges on your own and choose a cheap one without visiting it. You signed yourself up for the SATs, earned the money to pay for them and talked someone into driving you to the test site. You worked three jobs to pay for that cheap college and when you finally got mononucleosis she chirped at you that she was "so happy you could take care of yourself." She also gave you tasks that were rightfully hers and should not have been placed on a child. You may have been a primary caregiver for young siblings or an incapacitated parent. You may have had responsibility for excessive household tasks. Above all, you were always her emotional caregiver which is one reason any defection from that role caused such enormous eruptions of rage. You were never allowed to be needy or have bad feelings or problems. Those experiences were only for her, and you were responsible for making it right for her. From the time you were very young she would randomly lash out at you any time she was stressed or angry with your father or felt that life was unfair to her, because it made her feel better to hurt you. You were often punished out of the blue, for manufactured offenses. As you got older she directly placed responsibility for her welfare and her emotions on you, weeping on your shoulder and unloading on you any time something went awry for her.”

that's why I hesitated in the first place, because yeah, if he knew it was me...

This one is Annika 100%

“It's not THAT severe, she could have friends over sometimes, but... taking on his responsibilities for the other kids, yes, and the absolute resistance to helping her go places or do thingsLaraAs soon as you got a job, every request for school supplies, clothing or toiletries was met with "Now that you're making money, why don't you pay for that yourself?" You studied up on colleges on your own and choose a cheap one without visiting it. You signed yourself up for the SATs, earned the money to pay for them and talked someone into driving you to the test site. You worked three jobs to pay for that cheap college and when you finally got mononucleosis she chirped at you that she was "so happy you could take care of yourself." “