#[someone starting a new file with a guy i made to look like kakashi voice] u wouldnt believe how hard it is to use the fuckin cane bro

[scenariosofkonoha]

ehy! some headcanons with kiba? your choice! thank you💕

Hello Clippers! Really anything I want?? *blushes* Well… it’s not a usual topic I suppose. I took somethings that had been rattling around in my head about what Kiba experiences when it comes to his nose. I hope that is okay, if it isn’t I’ll totally fix something else up for you. But I really hope you like it, it was a new and fun experience! ~ Admin Little Lace 🎀

Kiba Scent Headcanons 

The nose of an Inuzuka clan member is as much as blessing as it is a curse. It is wonderful to be able to locate an enemy nin from 100 yards away and all. But it wasn’t wonderful to continuously ‘experience’ someone’s body odor.

From a young age Kiba was taught to center his chakra better so not to be exposed to every scent under the sun. The process of stopping the flow of chakra to his nose is tedious. His efforts never seeming to remove the overwhelming torrent of smells completely. The young Inuzuka often become frustrated.

Sensing his frustration his mother and her companion to to help his training.

“Each scent is different,” Kuromaru’s deep voice rumbled. “Each distinct in its own way,”“The ‘smell’ of something is made up of different scents,” his mother added. Her brash manner softer as she explained. “Don’t think of it as something huge. Break the smell down into individual scents.”

With their advice in mind, little Kiba discovers the full scale of the ability. Odors that once consumed him invited him into soft and strong notes that created them.

If dinner were cooking he could smell the the different vegetables boiling. The aroma of chicken stock and the twinge of char from the meat being over done.

People, in his opinion, were by far the most interesting. Everyone was comprised of so many different scents, he could get lost in them. They are hard to distinguish at first. All of them muddled together. He had never given it much thought before, but people came into contact with so many different scents throughout the day.

It isn’t until he is paired with Akamaru that he is ale to identify the myriad of fragrances within the Leaf.

“Blood,” Akamaru remarked from on top of his head. Kiba tilted his head, as if to look up the pup“Huh?”“Over there,” the youngest Inuzuka felt a paw knead into the right side of his head. Following the feeling, he saw a group of shinobi walking into the village gates. Taking short inhales through his nose the smell grew stronger. A metallic scent, copper kinda, but warm like meat Soon Akamaru wouldn’t have to point it out. A mental note of ninja smelling of blood files away in the boy’s head.

As the partner’s bond, they begin to classify familiar scents. Food is always easy, the aroma of each memorable but they start to recognize the smell of certain medicinal herds, ash of a detonated paper bomb, and various types of woods and metals.

Soon it becomes a game for the partners, the boy and the ninken challenging one another to spot the source of their new discoveries. Seeing this Hana shares wisdom with her brother.

“You can tell a lot about a person from the way they smell.” the older girl tells her juniors one day. “What they do, who their friends are, who they consider an enemy. Even, at times, insecurities and their inner most feelings. Most don’t think about it, worrying only if they stink or not. Because of this, it is a good way to learn about them.”“How do you do that?” Kiba asked skeptically.“Take all the little things, understand the scents and where they come from. Soon it will give you clues, creating a story. Being able to decipher the clues, building the story, is a sign of a good tracker.”

Between Akamaru’s skill of scent isolation and Kiba’s recall, the pair test out the theory. With each person they encounter they register their scent committing each detail to memory.

It is an easy start at first. The Inuzuka share a familial scent. Most clan members share the scent of their companions. An earthy mix of musk and sunshine. But his immediate family have minor differences.

His sister was a hive of small ‘clues’. Being a vet, she often smelled of other ninken, though not as strong as that of her three partners. But each smell was muted under a cover of salve and disinfectant. His mother’s was note as tame, hers was a loud as she was. The smell of Kuromaru only tainted with the coating of blood and metal.

Those had been simple to spot he knew them. His new team members however were all together different. They were not prominent. Hinata’s only barely registering unless he was close to her. Most girl’s in his class smelt of flowers, she was no different. But the Hyuga’s didn’t feel quite right. Her smell seemed trapped like a house with no windows. Kiba would liken it to flowers pressed inside of the pages of an old dusty book. It makes him uncomfortable and a little sad, bring him to invite her out more often.

What he couldn’t figure out though is why she would sometimes smell like ramen…

Shino owned a scent that was oddly neutral. If he weren’t actively looking for him, he won’t notice it. Sometimes he misses it even when he is looking for him.

Akamaru thinks the insect harboring nin smells like herbs and grass. A soft woodsy air like he is outside all the time. After a while, Kiba can tell where his peer has been by what kind of woods he reeks of. If it is of a cleaner sort, he has been by the cliffs. A deeper more earth tone?  He has been by the village gate.

Kurenai is different than most woman in Konoha, in that she doesn’t smell like flowers at all. His sensei is like a breeze of air on a rainy day. The clean sense owning an under current of something headier. Sandalwood perhaps? The two mingled in a ashen bouquet. Like smoke but not from a fire. In his young age, he is not sure why.

His new found skill makes it easier to find his friends around the village. All of them has something that makes them different from their family or they people they were around.  For instance, all the Yamanaka’s smelling of flowers but Ino exclusively of bush clover. And both Lee and Guy-sensei always smelling faintly of sweat (Or maybe the power of youth??) but Guy’s scent being ‘spicier’ for lack of a better term.

Sometimes the jutsu a shinobi uses changes their scent, the Inuzuka would soon discover. Kakashi-sensei often hosts one of warm static and singed fabric. While the genin would learn that Asuma was an overwhelming swarm of ash as if 1,000 paper bombs had gone off. That paired with the cigar smoke finally laid to rest the mystery of his mentor’s fragrance.

While few Kiba would come into contact with owned a “quiet” or “muted scents” like that of his team, a trait for sensory types he supposed. Others were “loud” and “Overbearing”. Now that wasn’t a bad thing in the case of Ayame and Teuchi, it was a pleasure to smell the best ramen in the land of fire on them. It was not the case with Naruto.

Kiba does not like they way Naruto smells. Not that the boy stinks per se. He and Akamaru can only describe it as…much. However possible, whether it be by clones or sheer effort, the blonde-nin smells of the entire Village.

Ichiraku Ramen, grass, flowers, ash, metal, static, medical herbs, bath house water, static, cup ramen, ninken and Kami only knew what else. You name it, somehow the shinobi reeked of it. It is overwhelming. Unable to explain it, and unwilling to deal with it, Kiba generally shuts the chakra away from his nose when interacting with Naruto. Even with the plethora of scents, his friend is so distinctive he can find him anywhere.

Over time new scents were added to the hidden leaf. Jiraya’s foggy essences of bath house and water lily, Tsunade’s fusion of medicine and sake. Even Captain Yamato’s torrent of fresh lumbered trees and Sai, whose could only be described as ink spilled on paper.

The shinobi’s sister had not lied when she said someone’s smell could tell who they were friends with. Over time he began to notice patterns. Shikamaru some days smelt of BBQ pork. Those were the days he trained with Choji. While others, he shared the ash and tobacco, the days he played shogi with Asuma.

Sometimes Ino smelled of cherry blossoms, while Lee and Neji smelled shared a sent of metal like that of kunai. Speaking of the elder Hyuga, he gained a small whiff of a familiar closed off smile. The change brought a smile to the Inuzuka’s face.

But not all scents brought happiness. The human body gave off different hormonal responses to emotion and instinct. As well as a scent. These were the basics that were taught from almost birth. Kiba was always aware he could smell them, his first interaction with them smelling fear coming off his father. It was a gift his mother often played on, the talent gaining her the title of the Hidden Leaf’s scariest Kunoichi.

Saddness, on the other hand, had a scent all it’s own. Generally smelt of warm salt water. A fact he had learned the day of Lord 3rd’s funeral. But he had also come to know that it was different for everyone.

Tears on Tsunade was often followed by that of sake…a lot of it. If his sister lost a patient, her scent was void of disinfectant.

The smell did not discriminate. Almost everyone in the village owned it at one time or another. Sometimes it surprised the nin. Catching it on Kakashi-sensei once, also brought the stench of copious amounts of hand soap. More that he had experienced on even a medical nin.

Now sadness and loss are very much alike. But loss manifested a little differently. When someone is gone, it is as if the origin of a scent is wiped off the planet. The day Jiraya’s smell of water lily did not return to the village, it was almost as if it left no trace. He could no longer sense it on Lady Tsunade, as sake took it’s place. Naruto’s was different.

Kiba can’t catch a scent of something if it is frozen. It’s almost as if the smell is locked inside ice as well. So he is unfamiliar with the the sickly sweet fruit-like smell on Naruto’s hands. It was almost like he had spilled a drink or something. After a while this new scent stays on the knucklehead ninja.

“There,” Akamaru points, his snout messing something something under a park bench. Taking a sniff of the air himself, Kiba caught whiff of the familiar complicated scent. Naruto. But also the sticky almost artificial smell. Kneeling slightly, the boy notices two sticks swimming in a puddle of blue. That was the day Kiba know what a Popsicle smelled like. Mentally adding the smell to the list that was his friend.

But some smells don’t go away after the origin is gone. No sometimes they linger like a familiar friend. When Asuma passed, Kurenai continued to smell like him. Kiba found it interesting. That even after months of only ever smelling sadness on her, that it had not changed. Pregnant woman gain a new layer to their smell while they are carrying their child. Kiba had learned that from his clan, it happened with Ninken as well.

But his Sensei’s essence of ash only grew stronger during the time. At one point even covering her scent of wood and rain. The Inuzuka had imagined that once she had her child that it might go away, like all the others did. But it hadn’t. The woman would forever hold the scent of her fallen lover even after Mirai came into the world. The little bundle holding the tell-tale whiff of Sarutobi ash.

As she grew, Kiba supposed, the little girl’s scent would change as well. Just as those in the village had. Hinata’s closed off smell had shed the more confident she became. It blossomed into a blend of wild flowers…with that ever present touch of ramen…

She was not the only one, all of his friends’ in the village would evolve. The flowers of the girl’s in his class would be fused in with new scents. Some familiar like ink and bush flowers. Others no so much, like potato chips and mountain air. The strange intermix, mirroring that of his sensei’s.

One day Kiba himself would find a scent that was intriguing. It was softer and not quite like flowers. But it reminded him of lazy days in the sun, and running home in the rain, with just a hint of blood. The smell would be wonderful but for some reason he will want to cover it with his own, the fusion of Akamaru and fresh linen melding well with it.

Though they are unable to experience it as he does, he can’t help but smile when cuddled into him his lover says:

“Hmmm…you smell nice.”

[myaekingheart]

16. Unmei no Akai Ito

read the scarecrow and the bell on ao3

index | from the beginning | < previous | next >

***TW: SELF HARM***

Just continue to move straight ahead. I can't help looking at you. Whether or not I am beside you, there is a red string that ties people together. -Akai Ito, Inaba Koshi

                Rei sucked in a deep breath as she stepped foot into the hokage’s office. She had been rather busy these days, it seemed. Lord Third always needed her to do something. Her only reprieve was that for every mission, she was always placed in a squad with Kakashi. His presence made her feel a bit safer, even if she still felt strange around him. They hadn’t had a chance to spend another night alone together since that first date but simply fighting alongside him at least helped to fill some of the void. She thought about him often, her mind always jumping back to the final exam in the Forest of Death. The more frequently she worked, the more dangerous her missions became and the threat of death constantly loomed over her head. Her only reassurance was Kakashi. She thought of the way he held her close, his promise that he would not let her die. She knew that the hokage had assigned her to look after him, but in a way she felt as if he was looking after her, as well. So long as they were together, she knew she would be safe. Straightening her back, Rei clenched her fists at her sides and approached the hokage’s desk. “You called for me, Lord Third?”

                “Yes, yes, come in, Rei” he motioned for her to step close and she obeyed. Standing off to the side were two other black ops members: Tenshi and a young man who she recognized as Kakashi’s friend Tenzo. She didn’t know Tenzo very well, but she had seen him around the dormitories from time to time. After a while, she had come to understand he was the same shinobi who escorted her through the annals of the ANBU facility the day she joined.

                The hokage huffed his pipe as he explained their mission: track down an enemy ninja seen heading for Kusagakure and return him to the village for questioning to ensure he did not release any intel on the Hidden Leaf or Land of Fire. It was a simple enough procedure, truly nothing they hadn’t already dealt with before. The capture would be easy. It was the interrogation that would prove rough. Kusa-nin were always difficult to read, but Rei had faith in Ibiki and Inoichi’s skill. All Rei had to do was track him down and reel him in. But of course, someone always had to make things unnecessarily difficult.

                “Lord Hokage, don’t you think we’re missing something?” Tenshi asked. The hokage blinked a few times as he tried to thumb through his thoughts but couldn’t come up with an answer. “We’re missing someone” she pressed. When the hokage still did not catch on, Tenshi sighed in minor frustration and explained, “What about Kakashi? Isn’t he joining us, as well?”

                It was then that Rei realized the copy ninja was, indeed, missing and her heart raced for a moment. She didn’t expect his accompaniment to expire so soon. The thought of not having him by her side made her nervous. He was, in a way, her safety net and she cursed herself for ever growing dependent on his presence. Without him, she felt chaotic.

                “I’m sorry to inform you but Kakashi will not be joining you on this mission” the hokage explained. “Kakashi is currently involved in other assignments, but I have good faith that you three can handle things on your own.” The hokage sounded so confident in their abilities, but it was clear there was a charge of panic coursing through the room. Deep down, Rei knew a mission without Kakashi must have meant she was advancing and a good enough kunoichi to work without his surveillance. Still, his absence made her nervous. Moreover, this seemed like the exact opposite of her purpose here, which seemed both promising and puzzling.

                Tenshi of course protested this but ultimately was forced to accept her fate. Rei rolled her eyes behind her mask in disgust. More and more, it seemed like her only motivation to work at all was to get close to Kakashi. Even when he expressed zero interest in her, she refused to give up the fight. She was determined to get him one way or the other, even if by force. The thought of it all made Rei sick. They were elite ninja and all she cared about was getting into someone’s pants.

                “So, who is this guy we’re after again?” Tenshi asked that afternoon, filing her nails as she leapt from tree branch to tree branch. “Whatever, we should just make this quick. I’m sure I can take this guy down with just my little finger.”

                “And risk breaking a nail? Doubtful” Rei snapped.

                “Is it such a crime to take care of your appearance?” Tenshi fired back, whipping around to face the redhead. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to look good, you know. Not that you would know anything about that.”

                “Alright, ladies, let’s just calm down and try to focus on the mission, alright?” Tenzo interrupted. Internally, he was cursing the hokage for sticking him with two bickering women. Was it really so hard to set their differences aside for the sake of professionalism?

                “Yeah, Tenshi, you can cut the crap. Kakashi’s not here” Rei commented. Tenshi squeaked in surprise, then narrowed her eyes at her comrade. Tenzo’s ears pricked up at the mention of Kakashi’s name, glancing to the two women briefly. So that was the major conflict between them. It took all of his strength not to laugh under his breath. As far as Tenzo knew, Kakashi didn’t give a single care for relationships. He had known the copy ninja for quite some time now and was certain his only focus was his work. He didn’t expend much time for a social life. He did, however, feel a surge of excitement about this intel. He wondered what Kakashi would say if he found out he had two women fighting over him, if he would even say anything at all. Either way, all of that could stand to wait. His primary concern now was the mission. Once completed, then he would be able to test the effects of this new information.

                Tiny bugs crawled up Rei’s legs as she hid in the brush with her partners, eyeing the home where their target was rumored to be staying. From the little information they had gathered, they could glean that their criminal was a spy collecting intel for a greater power but the details, the who and the why, were hazy at best. The longer they waited, the more Rei’s mind wandered on the subject. She had noticed some questionable happenings between the Five Great Nations lately and a sense of danger loomed overhead. If this man had anything to do with it, they wanted answers.

                The plan, per Tenzo, was to hold back until the perfect moment, then strike, arguing that they needed to be careful. The goal was to fulfill their mission quickly and easily, all while not being seen. After all, ANBU infiltrating foreign nations was seen as a threat. They were invaders and one false move could start wars.

                Rei glanced over to Tenshi, who made her boredom very clear. She sighed and tilted her head back, arms crossed. “I say we just jump in there and take him by the balls” the brunette suggested.

                “We’d get ourselves killed, smart-ass. I agree with Tenzo, the only way to do this is to wait for the perfect moment to—” Rei began but her sentence was cut short by their teammate slapping her on the shoulder and motioning for her to look ahead. The back door creaked open and out came their target tugging a hefty garbage bag. The three shinobi glanced to each other with a nod, then swept into action.

                Everything happened so quickly. This was supposed to be an easy mission. In one fluid motion, Rei assaulted the criminal with Water Style: Water Wall, knocking him to the ground so Tenzo could swoop in and trap him with his Wood Style jutsu. The man struggled, however, and escaped Tenzo’s grasp. Tenshi locked her eyes on their target but just as she was about to release a fire style offensive, all hell broke loose. The back door swung open and a blur surged toward the man, shrieking hysterically. Rei extinguished Tenshi’s flames with her water style and yelled at Tenzo not to let him get away. Approaching their target was none other than a small child, her blue eyes wide with terror and spilling with tears. She continued to scream, desperate for her father, her voice carrying throughout the entire village. Then her mother appeared in the doorway, face frozen in shock. The little girl begged her to do something, crying that they were going to take her father away. Rei watched her with sharp eyes as the woman then slowly reached behind her and pulled out a kitchen knife. Shit, she’s armed. Without a moment’s hesitation, the woman aimed the blade right for Rei’s throat with a horrendous battle cry. Dogs barked in the background. Lights were beginning to flicker on, curious about the commotion.

                Meanwhile, the man tried to take advantage of the chaos to escape, shouting for his wife and daughter to run to someplace safe. Tenshi wouldn’t let him get away so easily, though, attacking him with the Fire Release: Heavenly Prison. He screamed and squirmed, desperate to escape, proving that they had no other choice. In a matter of seconds, the man fell to the ground, unconscious. His daughter shrieked, tears streaming down her face. Rei locked eyes with her as she rushed forward and time slowed to a crawl. She had never seen such pain before. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry…

                An arm reached out and pulled Rei back into the brush, snapping her from her daze. Tenshi dragged her all the way to the Land of Fire’s outskirts. The man’s body bobbed as they went, slung over Tenzo’s shoulder. It wasn’t until they were safely within the borders of their own country when someone finally broke the silence.

                “I don’t know about you guys, but I think that went perfectly” Tenshi remarked. The terrifying part was that there was not a single ounce of sarcasm in her voice. She genuinely believed that they had not screwed this up in the slightest.  

                Tenzo shook his head, eyes staring forward. “It could’ve been better” he replied. “This would’ve been a lot easier had the family not intervened.”

                Tenshi flicked her ponytail back over her shoulder and pursed her lips. “They deserved it. They really should’ve seen this coming from a mile away. I mean, what did they expect? I, for one, would never marry a criminal. I mean, that’s just common sense. And then to pop out a kid with the guy? Puh-lease. She had it coming.”

                In that moment, something snapped within Rei. She had been travelling alongside them thus far in a sort of haze, overwhelmed with their situation. She stared at the man slung over Tenzo’s shoulder and wondered about his past and his life. How did he meet his wife? Was he excited to become a father? How did he get to this point? Who was he gathering intel for? And why? Perhaps he was financially unstable and did what he needed to do to provide for his family, even if it meant risking his own life. Despite the illegality of it, it was admirable. They had no idea what his story really was but that didn’t matter. All that was important now was that he was a criminal and their mission was fulfilled. She couldn’t think about his family and how it was now broken and it was all her fault. No matter how hard she tried, however, Rei couldn’t get that little girl’s red, snotty, scrunched up face out of her mind. Her screams echoed in her ears. And now here was Tenshi, inconsiderate and self-centered, saying that this innocent woman and child deserved this pain? Rei gritted her teeth and with one surge of chakra, launched herself at Tenshi. The pair tumbled down where Rei pinned the brunette to the ground and began punching her with all of her might. Tenshi shrieked and squirmed, calling her crazy and begging Tenzo to step in and help. He set the fugitive down in his line of sight and tore Rei off of her partner.

                “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” he shouted at her. Rei gasped for breath, brushing her hair out of her sweaty face. Blood from where the wife’s blade had scraped her smeared across her cheek, her mask thrown toward the edge of the brush. As she stared down at Tenshi, face now red and pulsing, she realized what she had done and was overcome with a disgust strong enough to make her sick. She couldn’t bring herself to speak. Tenzo sighed and shook his head in disdain, reaching out a hand to help Tenshi up. She brushed the dirt off her uniform and shouted obscenities at Rei, claiming she was insane and ought to be sent to the nut house, constantly asking her what the hell she was thinking. In any normal circumstance, Rei would fire back filled with fury and passion. Now, she felt absolutely nothing.

                The remainder of their trip back was endured mostly in silence. When the man finally awoke, Rei snapped at him to shut up and threatened a fiery death if he even thought of running off. Tenzo pursed his lips in mild discomfort. He had never seen her so unhinged before. He remembered the day he walked her through the enrollment process for the black ops. He found her gasping for breath with vomit on her lips after receiving her tattoo. I didn’t think she would make it back then, he thought. I thought the hokage had made a mistake, that she wasn’t fit for the black ops, but now I see that perhaps there’s something in her that I never really caught before.

                There was perhaps only one other person he had seen with that much fire and strife reflected in their eyes, the distant white-haired boy with the secondhand eye. He knew nothing of Kakashi and Rei’s history, but in that moment he was reminded of her and Tenshi’s argument earlier, the way they bickered over Kakashi like schoolgirls on the playground. He didn’t want to pick sides or play into some childish game but after what he had seen that day, he knew he was willing to bet his money on Rei. She was cut from the same cloth, filled with the same brand of pain. He saw a lot of Kakashi reflected in her eyes, cold and sharp and determined. He could scarcely sleep that night thinking about it.

                The hokage praised their punctuality and how clean a capture they had achieved. They said nothing of the disaster with the young man’s family. Lord Third didn’t need to know. All that was important was that they had finished the job they were assigned to do. The minute he dismissed them, Rei turned and stalked out the door without a single word.

                She didn’t particularly want to be out and about, but she didn’t want to stay home, either. She stopped in to change clothes and then rushed back out into the village to stroll around mindlessly. Her apartment was too confining. Her own thoughts would bounce against the walls before inevitably choking her.

                She couldn’t shake that little girl’s face from her mind. Her screams still rang in her ears. Of all the missions she had been on thus far, none had ever been quite so bad as this. Was what they did right? She supposed it depended on who you asked. They were only doing their job, retrieving a suspicious ninja who could’ve leaked intel on their village. Who knew what would come of that? But then, would a husband and a father do such a thing? She knew the answer was subjective—if he needed the money, surely he would do anything for his family. Even if that meant breaking the law and leaking information to enemy ninja. Still, she couldn’t help but wonder what kinds of repercussions this would have on his wife and child. Would they ever see their beloved again? Or would he be locked up in Konoha’s jail to rot away? Would that child resent Rei and her village for the rest of her life for what she had done? She assumed it was highly probable. Grudges were hard to shake, especially of this magnitude.

                Rei had done her job, she had accomplished what the hokage had asked of her, but at what cost? Was it really worth tearing a family apart like that? A sudden, disgusting realization struck her as she circled the road where her family’s bookstore sat. Perhaps this was exactly why she did not, in fact, belong in the black ops. She had questioned her position here for so long but now she was certain she knew the truth. She just couldn’t keep her emotions at bay. They always found a way to dig themselves up out of the dirt and twist their way into her head. Emotions were dangerous. Emotions were a liability. She was not allowed to feel. And yet here she was feeling all sorts of things: regret, uncertainty, low confidence, even loneliness (which she hated to admit a part of her liked). She pressed her palm against her shoulder where, beneath her sleeve, her tattoo sat. She could feel its presence burn against her skin and she cursed under her breath. This was all one big mistake. The hokage had made a terrible decision. She was not strong enough for this, after all. Her father was right. Kakashi was right. She didn’t belong here at all.

                By sunset, she knew she had no other choice but to return home. It was getting dark and she didn’t particularly want to be out late at night. She knew the kinds of men that lurked through the village after sundown, drunken and disgusting. She didn’t feel like fighting off someone trying to cop a feel. She trudged upstairs only to be met with Tenshi shuffling through her mail. How did she always have so much freaking mail? She must be popular, Rei thought, probably keeping sweet-talking penpals who send her fancy gifts to try to earn a night with her.

                “Where have you been?” the brunette asked, though she didn’t sound super interested in the answer. She didn’t even look up from her mail.

                “What does it matter to you?” Rei fired back. It was then that Tenshi finally looked up, an impressed expression painting her face but not one of ingenuity. Instead, it was the kind of impressed a mother feels when their child talks back to them and the mother wants to test how far the kid will try to push them.

                “We’re feisty today, huh?” she scoffed. “What? Did someone piss in your ramen?”

                “Oh, shut up” Rei snapped. She fished through her pouch for her keys, but her hands shook from having barely eaten all day. She couldn’t stand to stomach food at a time like this. Not when her brain was taking full control.

                “Did you ever get that cut fixed up?” Tenshi asked after a few moments of silence. Rei was surprised at the question, having not expected Tenshi to ever care a single morsel for her wellbeing. She pressed her hand against the side of her neck, the cut shallow but still tender and unclean, and shook her head. “Pfft, you should really take care of that before it gets infected. Although, if you contract some bacterial infection and die within twenty four hours, then I guess I’d get Kakashi all to myself! Maybe rub a little dirt in the thing, then” she continued. There she is, Rei thought to herself with disgust.

                “Yeah, bet things would be much better that way, anyway. Thanks for the advice” Rei said. She had finally dug up her key and began unlocking her door when she felt a firm hand pressed against her shoulder.

                “Wait a second” she heard Tenshi speak. Rei turned to look up at her with daggers in her eyes. “Seriously, what the hell has gotten into you?” she asked. Rei glared up at her for a moment, as if to silently ask whether she really cared to hear the answer, but in the time during which she remained silent, Tenshi began to piece together the truth. “Is this about the last mission? With the screaming brat and try-hard mother?” she asked. Rei blinked a few times, unsure of how to answer. She assumed a simple yes would suffice, but her throat refused to form the words. Tenshi removed her hand from Rei’s shoulder and rolled her eyes begrudgingly. “Really, Rei, grow some balls. It’s not that big a deal. Shit like this happens all the time, just get over it.”

                “Get over it?” Rei asked. Tenshi had no fucking clue. Without another word, Rei shoved her front door open and burst inside, slamming it hard in the brunette’s face.

                A knock. Lord Third bid his assistant entrance, scurrying inside with a pigeon alighted on his arm. “We have just received a message from Kusagakure, Lord Third. I suggest you take a look at it immediately.” The old man nodded and took the scroll from him, unrolling it and scanning the contents. The further into the message he got, the more displeased he became. This was just what he feared. Perhaps the new recruits really did still need Kakashi as chaperone.

                Rei groaned and drew her sheets up over her head as the sunlight filtered through her window. She had spent the entire night tossing and turning unable to stop thinking about the way things were handled, and about that little girl. She desperately did not want to get out of bed, her urge to sleep all day made stronger by the knock that then sounded from her door. Not even Kakashi would encourage her to get up, and that was saying a lot.

                The knocking ceased to stop for five full minutes, and Rei wondered what the hell he even wanted. He didn’t even say anything, just kept rapping mindlessly at the wood. After another few moments, she couldn’t take it anymore. “Alright, fine! I’m coming! Geez!” she shouted, slithering out of bed and sliding a pair of dirty pants on. Her hair was a tangled mess, her breath smelled awful, and she was pretty sure there was a stain on her nightshirt but she wasn’t in a mindset to really care. Kakashi had known her since she was a baby, he had caught her pissing her pants at one point, he could handle her morning alter ego just fine. Or at least she thought he could. She was sure Kakashi wouldn’t care, regardless. And truly, he wouldn’t. Only it was not Kakashi on the other side of the door.

                Tenzo looked her up and down a moment, his eyes wide and disconcerting. “Uh…is this a bad time? Because I don’t want to interrupt if you’re—” he stammered but Rei shook her head.

                “You dragged me out of bed already, might as well spit it out” she said. “So, what is it? What do you want?”

                He couldn’t look her in the eyes, both due to her current state and because of the way she was the other day. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. “The hokage summoned us all to his office immediately, said he had something very important to speak with us about” Tenzo explained.

                Rei blinked, face displeased. “This early? Does the man not know the meaning of sleep?” she asked.

                “I wouldn’t question him. If this is as important as it seems to be, I think it would be a good idea to get over there quickly” he replied. “You’re, uh…you’re not going like that, are you?” he then added nervously.

                The redhead rolled her eyes and stepped inside her apartment. “Of course not” she spat. Tenzo told her to meet him and Tenshi in the lobby in ten minutes or else they’re leaving without her. She nodded in compliance and then slammed the door. As she got dressed, however, her mind began racing with what if’s. What could the hokage possibly want with the three of them? All she could think of was that it had something to do with their mission. Perhaps the mother and daughter were so traumatized they complained to their own kage, who then was so angry he decided to declare war on the Leaf Village and it would all be their fault. Or at least all her fault. She knew none of this was her sole responsibility but no one else seemed to be taking the brunt here, so it naturally laid upon her. Weighing her down like a log crushing a rat. For a moment, she swore she was going to be sick.

                She met with the pair just in the nick of time and walked silently behind them as they approached the hokage’s office. The dome-shaped building seemed far more intimidating now knowing she was very likely in heaps of trouble. When they reached the office, he ushered them inside with a grave look upon his face. “I think it’s time we all had a little talk” he started.

                Tenshi then raised her hand as if she was back in the academy. The hokage paused a moment before granting her permission to speak. “How long is this going to take? I have other things to do today, you know.” Lord Third looked upon her darkly, as if he was struggling not to smack her. Tenzo shot her an exasperated, embarrassed look as if to beg her to shut up. She looked to everyone in the room with genuine confusion. “What? Is it so wrong to try to keep to a schedule?”

                Unable to hold herself back, Rei replied through gritted teeth, “Well maybe if you stopped complaining, we would get this done a lot quicker!”

                “Alright, settle down now” the hokage interrupted, making a patting motion with his hands. “I called you all here today to address some issues pertaining to your latest mission. Late last night, I received a message from Kusagakure’s carrier pigeon detailing some complaints the residents had about a ‘scuffle’ the other night involving the Konoha black ops. Witnesses said there was mass chaos and that things were handled in a very unprofessional matter. The kage himself has stated a great disdain for the way things were handled and recommends I suspend you all lest you want to start some sort of war.” The hokage stopped here to look upon the somber faces of his ninja. Even Tenshi expressed some semblance of guilt. “Compared to your reactions when you returned here the other day, I feel as if I am getting two very different stories and am unsure which to believe. Can any of you tell me now what, exactly, happened on this mission?”

                Tenzo immediately stepped forward. “I will explain, Lord Third” he began. Tenshi eyed him as if he was about to reveal some massive secret, and for a moment Rei truly despised her. Not that she didn’t already hate Tenshi, but the thought of her thinking so little of other people’s feelings to the point where she was willing to shove something like this under the rug? Disgusting.

                The hokage nodded, urging Tenzo to proceed his story. Rei sucked in a deep breath and prepared for the worst. As far as she knew, Tenzo was an honest, upstanding citizen who would explain everything just as it happened. He was well-composed, no waver in his voice. He cleared his throat, and then began.

                “We infiltrated the village from the northwest side, closing in on the building our target was rumored to be staying in. When he exited the premises to take out the trash, we zeroed in on him in what should have been a clean capture but extenuating circumstances prevented such. A woman and child came from inside the house and, as you can likely imagine, were very unhappy. The child began to cause a scene, and the mother used a kitchen knife to try and fight against us. Neither of us sustained any serious injuries, but the blade caught Rei on the left side of her neck. The man struggled and resisted arrest, so we had no choice but to use force and escape as quickly as possible. We departed the village as other residents began to leave their homes in curiosity.”

                The hokage tented his fingers and nodded as he listened. Once Tenzo was finished, Lord Third gazed upon each of their faces a moment before speaking. “I can see that what you say is true, but that does not mean I am happy with the circumstances. I understand that there were external forces at play, but I am still very disappointed in the way you handled this. The situation was managed in a sloppy and disrespectful manner that has damaged the name of the Leaf. Do you have anything to say for yourselves?”

                Tenzo opened his mouth to speak but of course Tenshi stepped in and spoke over him, debating the hokage’s stance. Rei only half listened to her argument, her mind spiraling. If anything, this was a simple confirmation of everything she had been thinking since the incident occurred. She was not a good ninja. She made a massive mistake. She put her village in danger. She did not belong here.

                She wandered home in a daze, bumping into the rare villager here and there. Small children paused their games of keidoro in the streets to stare at her, as if they could see straight through her mask, and whisper about her among themselves, saying she seemed scary or something like that. The minute she returned home, she ripped her mask off her face and gasped for fresh air, then tossed the damn thing into the corner of the room with all her might. Fortunately, brute strength was not her forte and she did no damage to the mask itself, but she wished she had. She leaned over her desk and panted heavily, her face beading with sweat. She felt claustrophobic and unhinged, as if she was trapped in a tornado with no reprieve. If her grip on the edge gave way even in the slightest, her hands would lay victim to horrible tremors that would extend all the way through the rest of her body. She caught sight of her reflection in the little mirror nearby and wanted to puke. And then her eyes shifted to the glint of the kanzashi on the desktop. She thought of the tip, of its sharpness, and felt compelled to touch it, to press it against her skin and see what she could make of it. She knew this was not Grandma Teiko’s intended use, and the thought of harming herself with something so sacred pained her, but the urge was far stronger than any regret. Just as she reached for the kanzashi, however, there was yet again a knock at the door and she shouted the most profane word she knew of in response.

                “What do you want?” she snapped, swinging the door open. She expected it to be Tenzo again, or even Tenshi back to dish out more insensitivity, but instead she was met with a shocked Kakashi and she immediately wished she hadn’t said anything at all. He looked her up and down and knew in an instant there was something wrong. Without an invitation, he stepped inside.

                “I heard what happened and wanted to make sure you were alright” he said. He looked around the apartment for anything amiss, finding her mask on the floor. Then he looked to her: her red, sweaty face and glossy eyes and rapid breath. He knew without her even needing to say anything that she was not alright.  

                “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. I don’t…I don’t need you checking up on me, alright? Everything’s fine” she lied. Unfortunately, lying was also not her forte. Kakashi cocked a brow and took her shoulders so that he could steady her and look her dead in the eyes. She wasn’t sure if it was that sharingan of his or what but she felt as if when he looked in her eyes, he was staring straight into her soul. She couldn’t carry on lying to him.

                “Now, tell me how you really feel” he urged. She blinked a few times before the tears refused to restrain themselves anymore, spilling down her cheeks silently. Shaking his head, Kakashi pulled her into his arms and held her there, rubbing her back, until she had calmed down.

                “I can’t do this anymore” she had said later, sitting beside him on the edge of her bed.

                “Can’t do what?” he asked sternly. He feared her answer more than anything but knew remaining silent would be an answer in and of itself.

                Shaking her head, she motioned to the room and then pointed to the tattoo on her arm. “This.” Rei buried her face in her hands despondently. “I think there’s been a terrible mistake.”

                “What do you mean?” Kakashi asked. He wasn’t liking where this was going at all.

                “The hokage, he…he screwed up recommending me to ANBU. I’m not…I’m not good enough” she replied, the last part a pained whisper. “I’m supposed to be skilled and emotionless and smart. I’m supposed to be so smart. But I screwed up. I made a mistake. I’m not skilled or emotionless or smart. Instead I’m stupid and talentless and get far too invested in things. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her, that little girl…the screaming is still ringing in my ears. I tore apart a family. I ruined someone’s life. And for what? I’m a bad ninja, Kakashi. Lord Third made a huge mistake. I don’t…I don’t belong here.”

                Kakashi’s heart broke hearing her words, how hard she was on herself. Was this because of what he had done? Was she like this because he told her she wasn’t good enough so long ago? He hated to think he had a hand in this. “You’re wrong” he replied. “A good shinobi is not a robot void of any feelings. A good shinobi does what is right and what is necessary in spite of those feelings. To bring your personal feelings into a battlefield is a death wish, but to know what is right and choose to ignore it is the act of a coward. The enemy’s family was completely out of your control, there was nothing more you could do. At the end of the day, that man was a criminal and he needed to face the consequences of his actions.”

                Rei nodded slowly, though nothing he said made her feel any better. If anything, she felt as if he was just contributing to the blame. So even Kakashi thought she had screwed up. Realistically, she didn’t know what else she expected. “Thanks, Kakashi” she said softly, wrapping her arms around her waist. Even if nothing he said helped, she wanted to at least leave him believing that was the case. She watched him stand and head toward the door, reassuring her that everything would be fine, before departing. Once alone, she was finally able to stew in her own guilt and self-hatred properly. Her eyes darted back to the kanzashi on her desk, Kakashi’s words echoing in her ears. To know what is right and choose to ignore it is the act of a coward. She was a coward, though. She had no idea what she was doing and everything about her life nowadays terrified her. She ripped her gloves and her gauntlets off and tossed them to the floor, a lump rising in her throat, then rose from her bed and crossed the room.

                Lord Third was reviewing the paperwork on his desk when there was a knock at the door. He glanced up, then called for his visitor to enter. Rei clenched her fists at her sides then stepped inside, feeling lucky her face was hidden. “Ah, Rei, I was just about to summon you” he greeted. “What can I do for you?”  

                Rei glanced to the hokage’s assistant and then out the window and then to the floor. “I was wondering, if it’s not too much to ask, if I could request a private conversation with you, Lord Third” she said, voice sounding far smaller than she expected. The hokage paused a moment, blinked, and then motioned for his assistant to leave the room. Once they were alone, he took another long drag from his pipe.

                “You might as well take your mask off now” the hokage suggested, “Seeing as it’s just the two fo us.” Rei’s hand hovered over her face, hesitant, before obeying. “Well? What seems to be the trouble, Rei?” he asked. The redhead fidgeted and refused to look him in the eye. Hiruzen Sarutobi had a relatively firm idea of what she was about to say just based on her body language, but he wanted to hear her say it herself.

                “Well…correct me if I’m wrong, sir, but…I think you have made a massive mistake” she started. Then, when he stared back at her expectantly, she added, “I don’t think I belong in the ANBU.”

                “You doubt my judgment?” he asked.

                “No, no, no! It’s not that! It’s just…” Rei countered. “This last mission got me thinking and I just…I don’t know. I can’t help but feel like I’m not cut out for this. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea, after all.”

                The hokage shook his head and rose from his seat to look out upon the village. What he said next was nowhere near what Rei was expecting. “I’ve seen a change in Kakashi these past few weeks” he stated. Rei’s spine shot ramrod straight and a lump rose in her throat. “He is not nearly the dark, gloomy boy he once was. True, he is still far from perfectly fine but there has been a distinct shift in his mood and his demeanor. Sometimes he smiles now, and he makes conversation with the other shinobi. He never did that before.”

                “Lord Third, w-why are you telling me all of this?” Rei asked, a sense of panic in her voice.

                Hiruzen finally glanced to her from the corner of his eyes. “I tell you this because it means my plan is working. You are fulfilling the mission I asked of you when I assigned you to the black ops in the first place. You remember that afternoon, yes?” Rei nodded. “I thought you would.”

                “But that doesn’t mean anything” Rei argued. “Is this the only reason you even put me in the black ops? To babysit Kakashi?”

                The hokage’s face turned sour. “You know the answer to this, Rei” he replied. “You are more than just a ‘babysitter’ to Kakashi. Yes, the main reason I wanted you in the black ops was to keep an eye on him and help him get back to center, but I would not have appointed you if I did not think you were capable of all that the ANBU required of you. Is that understood?” Rei nodded slowly.

                “But how am I supposed to keep doing this if I don’t really feel like I belong here?” Rei asked. “I feel like everything I do is wrong. My emotions are so strong, they only get in the way. I’m not sure if I’m tough enough for this.”

                “Your lack of belief in yourself contributes to your failure” he stated. The word failure struck Rei hard in the chest, a kunai straight for the heart. So she had failed after all. “Rei, have you ever heard the story of unmei no akai ito?”

                Rei blinked despondently. Somehow it sounded familiar and yet she couldn’t remember a thing about it. She shook her head, trying to discern where Lord Third was going with this.

                “There is a tale about a young boy who encountered an old man on his way home one night” the hokage began. “This man told the young boy that there is a red thread tied around his pinky finger that attaches him to his destiny. While this string may tangle and stretch, it can never break regardless of circumstances.”

                “What does this have to do with anything?” Rei asked. She flexed her pinky finger stupidly, knowing that there was absolutely nothing tied to it. Old man must be crazy.

                Lord Third shook his head and took another drag from his pipe. “The old man showed the young boy who he was destined to be with, a young girl, but the boy had no interest in this and threw a rock at her head. Once the boy had become a young man, he was arranged to marry. When he lifted her veil, he was delighted to see she was very beautiful but had a strange decoration on her eyebrow. When he asked of this, she replied that when she was a child, a young boy threw a rock at her head and left a scar there that she was self-conscious of. This woman was the same young girl that the old man told the boy was his destiny, and they were connected by the red thread of fate, unmei no akai ito.”

                Rei’s heart began racing in her chest. She hated this story and she wished the hokage had never told her any of it. “That’s ridiculous” she said, waving him off. “That’s silly. That makes no sense. That’s just a kid’s fairytale.”

                “Or is it?” the hokage asked wisely. “Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you?”

                A part of her thought she did, but the truth of it scared her and she wanted nothing to do with it. This was getting to be far too much. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

                Hiruzen, however, did not listen to her pleas. “From the moment we are born, we all have a destiny to fulfill. We are tied to this destiny no matter what else may happen. Even if you cannot see it now, everything is working simply according to fate’s design. Meaning that yes, Rei, you do, in fact, belong here.”

                For a moment, Rei swore she could slap the old man. All of that just to try and convince her of something she knew was false? This was ridiculous. She couldn’t help herself from rolling her eyes.

                “I know it is hard to believe that you are meant to be someplace you do not feel skilled or prepared for but I assure you, fate makes no mistake. I am just the vessel through which life brought you here. Have more confidence in yourself, Rei. You are a fine kunoichi and you are more than capable of succeeding in the black ops, and more.”

                Rei trudged home that night exhausted and bothered. Lord Third’s story rang in her ears for the rest of the day, a torturous pang that she could never escape. She peered down the hall as she unlocked the door, her eyes landing on Kakashi’s apartment. She wondered if he was inside, then scrubbed the thoughts from her mind. She didn’t want to think about him. Not now. Once she stepped inside, she changed out of her black ops uniform and slumped into her desk chair tiredly. The kanzashi her grandmother gave her sat nearby, the gold glistening in the moonlight. The tip was still stained with the evidence of her earlier endeavors. She glanced to the markings up her arm and thought of that red thread of fate. Something like that couldn’t really exist, could it? She doubted there was really anything attaching her to her destiny, especially if that destiny involved Kakashi. She still found it hard to believe that that night they spent together was anything more than two friends reuniting after years of distance. She could not possibly imagine Kakashi feeling anything toward her. It was impossible.

                The longer she sat there, the longer her thoughts began to drive her crazy and she considered picking up that stupid, sharp little hair pin again but decided against it. Instead, she rushed to her window and stuck her head out into the cool night air, gasping for breath. The moon shone high overhead and the streetlights flickered. Beneath one, an older man stood, likely a merchant on his way home. She stared at him as he waved down a small boy with goggles on his head and stripes on his cheeks. She recognized him at once. She regretted being unable to hear exactly what the man was saying but saw him point to the east. She followed his finger to the gates of the Hyuga clan’s land, then looked back to find the boy tilting his head in confusion. You and me both, kid.

                No matter how hard she tried to sleep that night, every time she closed her eyes she saw veins of red, threads tangling with one another to make one massive, complicated knot. The scrapes on her arm ached and her chest felt tight and her eyelids began to grow heavy. The old man’s voice rang in her ears. From the moment we are born, we all have a destiny to fulfill. We are tied to this destiny no matter what else may happen. Even if you cannot see it now, everything is working simply according to fate’s design. What a bunch of bullshit. She laughed quietly to herself as she rolled over and pulled the sheets up high over her head.

                Alright, fine, she thought to herself, on the verge of sleep. Let’s test this theory then. Prove to me that this is meant to be. Show me where this red thread leads. Take me to my destiny.

[sumigakure]

Well Then

To: @arrowsbane

From: @pwnie3

Title: Well Then

Rating: M

Wordcount: 8520

Prompt: In an AU where Orochimaru never took Danzo up on his offer for labs, Sarutobi dumps a trio of genetically-altered brats on him and hands him a ‘Teaching for Dummies’ book, which is not appreciated. Turns out, Orochimaru is pretty good with kids, but thinks he isn’t. Nobody else is buying that lie though.

Warning/Notes: I never thought I would have to tag a six-year-old for suicidal ideation but here I am. Friendly reminder that I love Kakashi and I wish my fingers didn’t know how to type independent of my will.

“Think about it,” Danzo says, then shunshins out of Orochimaru’s front garden.

The old man’s offer is tempting. A set of labs all to himself, all materials provided, not on paper anywhere. Sarutobi, ever Orochimaru’s moral compass in the absence of Jiraiya and Tsunade, has vetoed almost all of his ideas without even reading the full hypothesis. And he knows as well as Orochimaru does that if he had labs and materials, he would go ahead with his projects whether the Hokage gave him permission or not.

It’s one of the things Sakumo always said was the mark of a good shinobi– not following unjust orders, although he probably didn’t mean it to be used quite in this context.

Orochimaru traces the snake curled around his neck absently and his eyes remain fixed on the wall just to the side of where Danzo had been when he made the proposal two weeks ago. Sakumo, now three months dead by his own foolish, selfish hand, wouldn’t approve of this. Orochimaru may not know Danzo very well personally, but he knows enough about the man to figure out that the kind of experiments Danzo wants him to do won’t be the experiments Sakumo could be proud of.

When did this happen? When did he stop thinking in terms of what benefitted him and start using Sakumo’s approval as a benchmark for right and wrong?

There’s a knock on the door. Orochimaru snaps back to reality and gently reaches out with his chakra. He’s no sensor, he can’t track someone’s chakra footprint a hundred miles, but he can recognize a familiar signature ten feet away.

“Oro?” Kakashi’s voice is muffled, both by the door and his scarf. “You home?”

In a flash, Orochimaru opens the door. Kakashi is there, and judging by his clothes it’s a hot morning. His short sleeves show off the tattoos on his arms, and what’s visible of his face is flushed. Orochimaru makes a note to buy something thinner so Kakashi doesn’t pass out from the heat.

The boy doesn’t tell Orochimaru where he wants to go, but it’s easy enough to guess. Where else would he want to go with Orochimaru than Sakumo’s grave?

The majority of their walk to the cemetery is silent, punctuated only by a brief stop at a flower stand. Orochimaru picks spider lilies. Kakashi picks asters.

It is, perhaps, too late for Orochimaru to remember how terrible he is with children. When Sakumo was alive, it was easy to think of Kakashi as a small, grumpy version of his father, but with the man gone all Orochimaru can see is the five-year-old who’s lost his father.

Orochimaru clears his throat and hopes it doesn’t sound as awkward as he thinks it does. “How have you been, Kakashi?” It takes all of his willpower not to call him ‘Cub’, seeing as how, along with many other things in Kakashi’s life, the nickname likely died with Sakumo.

Kakashi makes a quiet noise. Orochimaru assumes it means something along the lines of ‘I’ve been okay’, as that has always been his answer to the question.

“How is your aunt?” Ah yes, the fifteen-year-old aunt Kakashi has been living with because Orochimaru doesn’t trust himself around children. “Is her team doing well?”

Kakashi grunts. “I guess. I think Mikoto is engaged now, but I’m not sure anyone else is supposed to know about that.”

With a faint sound of acknowledgement, Orochimaru files the information away. He can’t think of any occasion where the marital arrangements of the Uchiha clan will ever be of use, but intel is intel.

Just as the pair is about to enter the graveyard, there’s a shout from behind them. “Hey, Orochimaru!”

“That’s the guy Auntie has a crush on,” Kakashi supplies, murmuring. “Minato.”

Minato comes to a stop a respectful distance from Orochimaru. He pants a little from the exertion of, presumably, running around doing D-ranks all day. “Lord Sarutobi wants to talk to you.”

Orochimaru looks back at Kakashi, who’s eyeing Minato with something like scrutiny. “Is it urgent?” he asks like he doesn’t already know the answer.

Minato nods. Orochimaru is disappointed, no, angry. Angry at himself for not being able to put aside even this small amount of time for the boy who, for all his ineptitude, he loves with every ounce of his being.

Another glance at Kakashi. The boy shrugs. “It’s okay, Oro. I’ll be fine.”

He lays the bouquet of lilies in Kakashi’s arms with the asters. As Orochimaru is walking away, he hisses quietly at Minato. “If you wish to remain in Kushina’s good graces, you’ll keep an eye on Kakashi.”

Minato, who is most certainly recognizable as the ‘pretty boy’ Kushina referred to him as the last time Orochimaru found time to sit down with her, stands stock-straight and meets Orochimaru’s gaze– but only for a moment. Still, it’s better than most people manage. “Of course, Lord Yashagoro!” Then he runs over to walk behind Kakashi.

It takes little more than two minutes to get to the Hokage’s office, and inside Sarutobi has the audacity to be leaning back behind his desk and puffing on his pipe like he didn’t just take away precious time to be spent with the last part of Sakumo Orochimaru has.

Orochimaru stands in front of his old teacher and waits. After a few seconds, Sarutobi opens his eyes and sits up. “Ah, Orochimaru. I didn’t expect you here so soon. I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything?”

It’s been a long time since he wanted to punch something, as it’s never been his strong point, but in this moment there’s nothing he wants more than to break Sarutobi’s nose.  Besides, why else would he have come in through the window, if not because he was annoyed? Even if it’s not Orochimaru’s preferred method of entry, it does happen to be one of Sarutobi’s biggest pet peeves.

“Of course not, sensei. Your messenger told me it was urgent?” Orochimaru asks, hiding his anger behind a thin smile.

“Not nearly as urgent as Minato made it out to be, but it is somewhat time sensitive.” Sarutobi pushes a file across his desk. “These are your new orders, effective tomorrow.”

Orochimaru takes the file and opens it, expecting some kind of long-term information gathering mission having to with the war effort, and his eyes widen when the papers enclosed are the ones given out to prospective jounin teachers.

“Sensei, is this–”

“I am not mistaken. That is the correct file. I am assigning three children to your tutelage and, if you’ll be willing, your care.”

The assignment hits Orochimaru like a fist to the face. “I’m not sure if you recall, sensei, but while I have many and impressive talents, handling children is not one of them.”

Sarutobi smiles. “Orochimaru, believe me when I tell you that you are uniquely suited to this team over any other mission I could offer you. Do you recall the organization Root?”

Why yes, in fact your long-time friend recently offered me a very nice position within that very organization. “Yes. You disbanded it when you took office.”

The smoke from Sarutobi’s pipe circles the ceiling. “We discovered Root to very much be alive and kicking last week, under the coordination of Danzo Shimura. After a raid on their various locations, we found four children in a lab there. One killed himself when we tried to remove him from the laboratory, but the other three are currently in rehabilitation in the hospital. They are being entrusted to you, as several experts have assured me that putting them into the Academy would be counterproductive.”

Briefly skimming the mission file, Orochimaru finds it giving him that exact information under about five more layers of official jargon and emotionlessness than Sarutobi normally uses during these briefings.

“Until further notice, you will be off the active duty roster. Your first and foremost priority is acclimatizing these children to life outside of a laboratory.” Orochimaru nods along with Sarutobi as he translates the purple prose of the file. “Oh, and you’ll probably need this.”

Without thinking, Orochimaru takes the thing his teacher passes him and when he looks at the title, in a move he must have learned from Sakumo because he’d never done it before they started dating, he absolutely bristles with fury.

Well, if there was one thing being best friends with Jiraiya has taught Orochimaru, it’s self-control, and it happens to take every last ounce of that carefully-honed control not to put Teaching for Dummies through Sarutobi’s skull.

Sarutobi, for all his old man-ish airs, is no fool and does not have the memory of a goldfish, so he must recognize the calm detachment in Orochimaru’s face as the kind of thing he used to wear just before Jiraiya became best friends with the business end of Kusanagi.

“Meet me back here tomorrow at eight. You are dismissed.”

Kakashi is already out with his team by the time Sarutobi releases Orochimaru to his own devices– Kakashi’s fourth team in as many months, if Orochimaru’s impeccable memory serves him correctly– so he returns to the graveyard alone.

As much as he loves the boy, Orochimaru is glad to have the opportunity to visit Sakumo’s grave alone, and something tells him that maybe Kakashi feels the same. The grass is pressed down tight against the ground in front of Sakumo’s uniform headstone, and a few yards back there’s another spot where the ground is just as disturbed. The flowers have been rested carefully below the deep lines that form Sakumo’s name.

Orochimaru sinks to his knees fluidly. “I had an important meeting yesterday. I wore the blue yukata, the one you always said compliments my eyes.”

It’s a common enough practice for shinobi to talk to their dead loved ones, even if not quite the healthiest. Any passing civilian won’t question Orochimaru talking to the departed quite as much as they’ll question his choice of Sakumo Hatake, and it’s not the kind of thing any coincidentally present ANBU will feel the need to report.

But Orochimaru’s reluctantly-assigned Yamanaka psychiatrist says it’s a good way to grieve (and while she doesn’t outright say ‘I know you’re still mourning the absence of Jiraiya and Tsunade’, he hears it all the same) and he knows that ANBU Panther has been told under no uncertain terms that he’s to make sure Orochimaru talks to Sakumo a little bit. Though as with all things unfamiliar, the Snake Sannin takes to it with a fair bit of caution.

“Sarutobi has assigned me a group of children to train.” He shakes his head. “I suppose my only relief in this is that Jiraiya isn’t here to see it.” A pause, the kind he used to leave for Sakumo to say his piece. “It’s summer now, he’s been gone nearly nine months.”

Orochimaru has never believed that the dead linger, but when he closes his eyes he’s willing to pretend the wind playing with his hair is a tanned, scarred, calloused hand with the most gentle touch in the world.

He stands and brushes a few blades of grass from his clothing. He walks home in silence.

When Orochimaru sits down in his kitchen with a cup of tea in hand, he finally looks over the file Sarutobi gave him.

The first student, Akira Senju, age eleven, was kidnapped when small and her eyes were replaced with a set of stolen Sharingan. She was then pumped full of bijuu chakra siphoned off Lady Mito Uzumaki to see if the Sharingan could control bijuu as easily from within as well as without.

Orochimaru’s second pupil, Akane Uchiha, age twelve, is a half Inuzuka who was tattooed with some beautifully– the report on her doesn’t say it quite like that, but art is art no matter the canvas– elaborate seals that, according to the file, give her the ability to use the Mokuton.

The final child is Hikaru, age eight, was grown in a surrogate, and is the finest example of what happens when an Uchiha member of Root and a Senju member of Root both give over DNA for identification purposes and the DNA is instead used to make a baby. Heavily tested, very intelligent, not very emotionally stable, the boy is implied to be the “problem child” of the three.

Orochimaru puts down the file. From what he can tell, both the people giving the order and the researchers who worked on these children were clumsy. It seems like multiple, independent projects were being run of each child without regard for how the effects of the other experiments would skew their results. What’s Tsunade’s favorite saying? Too many cooks in the kitchen?

What’s done though, is done, and Orochimaru can’t do a thing to remedy the errors of fools. He stands from his chair.

The house is older than even Orochimaru’s parents, and it takes ridiculous effort to keep it in good condition, but if it has anything going for it then it has to be its sheer size. The Yashagoro clan has never been large, definitely not large enough to warrant a house so big, and for the last twenty years Orochimaru has lived here alone. He has no wandering relatives who drop in on a whim to see how well he’s grown up, no drunk friends taking over his house at ungodly hours, no quiet bedmates who wake him up with fluttering kisses and a laugh like rolling thunder. Not anymore.

There are spare futons tucked away in a closet, and while it’s hardly the kind of thing his mother would approve of using his abilities for, Orochimaru is pressed for time and hardly hesitates in using– this is the kind of play on words both his father and Jiraiya would find amusing– a fuuton jutsu to air out the bedding. Perhaps, if Sarutobi doesn’t come to his senses and reassign the children, Orochimaru will find sturdier, more permanent bedframes for them.

He doesn’t sleep. Instead, he wanders the many halls of the house and tries to memorize the silence, the solitude, the way this is the one place where he lets his footsteps echo into the night. He listens for the faint memory of his father’s laugh, his mother’s admonishments, and his old grandmother’s refusal to avoid the nightingale floors when she wandered in the middle of the night.

He wonders if these children will know any better.

Orochimaru shows up early to his old teacher’s office, and is not disappointed. Sarutobi is already waiting for him, sharing a cup of tea with three children who probably shouldn’t be as small as they are.

“Ah, Orochimaru!” Sarutobi exclaims. The three children turn around sharply, even the tiny little boy.

The files hadn’t included photographs. There hadn’t been time to get the photographer out to see them, nor would he have had clearance to do so if he’d tried. But aside from the activated Sharingan, the extensive tattoos, and the multitude of poorly-hidden scars, the children don’t look like anything special. The Senju girl looks like how he would expect a little Senju girl to look. The Uchiha-Inuzuka girl looks like how he would expect an Uchiha-Inuzuka to look. The Senju-Uchiha boy looks like how he would expect a Senju-Uchiha to look.

This is good, he thinks. The tattoos and scars are normal enough, not the kind of thing most people would glance twice at. The Sharingan will be easily hidden. At least they won’t have to grow up with the look of a half-dead pixie with too much purple eyeliner and a frankly unrealistically dark head of hair and all the stares that come with.

“These are your students,” Sarutobi continues. “Akira, Akane, and Hikaru. Children, this is to be your guardian.”

The half-Inuzuka girl, Akane, stands. The other two follow her lead. Though Orochimaru knows that these children have been kept apart until now, as per ANBU policy about test subjects, they have easily fallen into something like a pack formation with Akane at the head.

Orochimaru bows his head slightly, not breaking eye contact with Akane for a second. After a long pause, she does it back. Again, Akira and Hikaru follow her lead.

Sarutobi looks between the four of them and nods. “It seems my work here is done. Orochimaru, I’ll be by later with some paperwork.”

He takes this to mean that he’s been dismissed, and so Orochimaru gestures for the children to follow him. The whole way back to his house– on foot, using the not-yet-crowded streets to travel because he hardly remembers trusting himself on rooftops when he was their age and most certainly won’t put that faith in three strangers– they trail behind him at a respectful and regular distance. Though they haven’t spoken a word to each other, the three of them instinctively fell into a standard, if rough, team formation. Akira is at the center, keeping a careful eye on Orochimaru, and on either side she is flanked by Akane and Hikaru in some kind of bodyguard position.

The first two steps inside Orochimaru’s home are nightingale flooring, and while he treads lightly and with a certain kind of speed born of practice and watching snakes go across the boards silently, the children don’t know the house. As soon as Hikaru hears the first tremulous chirp of the floorboards, he jumps back and pulls the girls with him.

“Come now. It’s just a noise the floors make. Nothing to be scared of,” Orochimaru says in what he hopes is a teasing voice. “They’re not going to hurt you any more than the grass out there will.” Though, thinking about it, the grass (or rather, what the grass hides) will actually hurt them more than the floors.

Eventually, Orochimaru gets them into the kitchen, and only then does it occur to him that he only owns one chair and his table is too small for four people. He also owns a meager set of dishes that can only hold enough food for one, maybe two people if they have appetites as small as Orochimaru and Kakashi (how old is the food in his fridge? And come to think of it, is bread supposed to be blue-grey?). Well, those bowls are probably small enough to count as cups, right?

“Perhaps,” Orochimaru starts slowly, “a trip to the market is in order.”

Orochimaru hasn’t been a child in a long time, so he doesn’t know what they like to eat. When he went out shopping with Sakumo, it always fell to Orochimaru to keep Kakashi occupied, and thus he was never really sure of what Sakumo bought for Kakashi– not to mention that Kakashi is significantly younger than Orochimaru’s students and also likely has very different preferences.

Orochimaru himself is a simple man. He buys spices when he runs out and a dozen eggs every week, ham when he can get it, and everything else comes from his mother’s garden. His parents raised him to eat what was put in front of him without complaint and that mostly carried over into his adult life.

So what do children like to eat?

“What would you like?” he asks them. All three heads jerk towards him simultaneously. “To eat.”

For a long moment, there’s silence from the three of them, but then it’s Akira who answers first. “One of the researchers in charge of me used to bring dango when I was cooperative.”

“One time someone brought me pretzels,” Akane says.

“They let me have strawberries once.” Hikaru rounds out the bunch.

The bakery sells five kinds of pretzels and strawberries are in season, and by the time the four of them make it to the dango shop Hikaru has eaten almost half the container and Orochimaru has reminded him three times that eating the strawberry hulls isn’t something people generally do.

As soon as they enter the shop– which is abuzz with people as always, seeing as how Shouta Mitarashi makes the best dango in the village and everyone knows it– the place hushes significantly. Civilians are always put off by Orochimaru’s presence no matter where he goes, and while it’s a trifling matter to be invisible in a crowded marketplace that same innocuity becomes impossible in a small, enclosed space.

Akira, Akane, and Hikaru fall into battle stance at the attention. Their shoulders square, their limbs relax, and Akane has two fingers on the kunai in her belt. Orochimaru says nothing; he just strides forward– the crowd shies away from him like he’s diseased– picks up a few boxes of sweets, and hands the money over to the owner without speaking a word.

He, and the children too, are silent the whole way home. They do not step on the nightingale floors a second time.

His three students eat their food quietly, and Orochimaru makes himself a pot of tea. When he has finished his first cup, he speaks.

“The first thing you will learn in this village is that no-one is going to be kind to you. I do not know what conditions you were in before or how they treated you there, but it will be different and worse out here. You will be feared, and that fear manifests as anger, and you may have to deal with the outlet of that anger. Strangers will hate you for no other reason than your association with me. If you wish for me to find you a different caretaker, tell me and I will do so.”

Akane crunches on another pretzel. Hikaru carefully separates the hull from the rest of his strawberry and sets it on a paper towel. Akira puts a whole skewer’s worth of dango in her mouth at once. They say nothing.

Orochimaru pours himself a second cup of tea. “Very well then,” he sighs. “It is my job to teach you how to interact with other people. I will not be lenient with your training. Starting tomorrow, you will wake at dawn and training will last until I say it stops. Do you understand?”

They nod, and if Orochimaru has the barest hint of a smile on his face, then no-one has to know.

The next morning, though waking the children by way of snake messenger was fun and he’ll never let himself forget Akira’s screams, Orochimaru faces a certain problem. After watching the children make a mess of training ground 6, he decides to pit them against each other and quickly finds that watching Akane and Akira go at it is something like how he imagines a timid Tsunade would approach Jiraiya if Jiraiya didn’t know how to control his temper and also thought he could take on Tsunade at full strength.

In short, it’s giving him a headache.

Akira has a certain kind of inhuman strength that tends to show itself in anyone with more than a drop of Uzumaki blood, and Orochimaru is quickly realizing that there’s no way she’s not at least one quarter Uzumaki– maybe it’s a byproduct of Lady Mito’s jinchuuriki chakra?– but the Senju in her negates the red hot Uzumaki blood in her.

Similarly, Akane has exactly the temper Orochimaru would expect from the offspring produced by an Uchiha and an Inuzuka and the control over her anger to match. Like most Uchiha her age she has all the musculature of a finely-carved twig, but more than enough dramatics to make up for it.

“Come on, I can take it!” Akane shouts from the proper battle stance Orochimaru just corrected her on. “Come at me already!”

Akira looks to Orochimaru with something he thinks is a question on her face. He nods minutely at her. “But…” she trails off.

The other girl makes a very loud, very frustrated noise that only reinforces Orochimaru’s belief that Jiraiya is dead and his soul now exists in the body of a twelve-year-old girl. “Come on!”

Akira flexes her hands and curls them into fists. She pulls back one arm, then throws an undercut–

Which connects just under Akane’s ribs and throws her against a tree twenty feet away. She collides with a sickening crunch which sounds suspiciously like bones breaking and it takes everything in Orochimaru’s power not to flinch at it.

Ah yes. Definitely reminiscent of Jiraiya and Tsunade’s earliest interactions.

Hikaru crunches down on a strawberry flavored biscuit stick louder than necessary and shoots Orochimaru a look he can catch out of the corner of his eye. With a sigh, Orochimaru stands and walks over to check on Akane.

She coughs, then lets out a long, painful groan. “Sensei, am I dead?” She whines.

He hums. “Not yet.”

“Can you make me dead?”

To his own surprise, Orochimaru laughs. It’s small, barely more than a chuckle, but it’s there and it surprises Akane just as much as it does Orochimaru himself. “Only if you want me to.”

For two full seconds, she’s quiet, then she reaches up with one arm and lets slip a thready “please”.

The next morning, if it can even be called that yet, Orochimaru wakes to the incessant tapping on his window. The hawk sitting on his sill has a message tied to it’s leg. He lets the bird in and takes the scroll from the leather tube, letting the hawk back out as soon as he does.

It’s a summons for tea from the Hokage. Orochimaru huffs out a breath and briefly considers whether or not he could get away with killing Sarutobi, and when he figures that now probably isn’t the best time to contemplate murder he decides to just get ready for the day. He sets out breakfast for the children– all three still asleep in their rooms– and sets one of his summons by each bedside to keep watch.

Sarutobi is waiting for him in his office with a pot of Orochimaru’s favorite tea already sitting out. It burns Orochimaru in places he can’t describe to think that after ignoring him for so long and then dumping three children even more socially stunted than Orochimaru himself, all Sarutobi can do is set out tea and play

“Ah, Orochimaru. Sit down, I’m glad–”

Orochimaru does not sit. “Spare me your pleasantries. Why have I been summoned here?”

Sarutobi sets down his cup with a sigh. “How are the children?”

“They are making progress. Considering how long I’ve had them, they’ve adjusted well, though I’m certain that they would do better under a different teacher who knows better how to deal with children. Given time, I believe they will become a strong team for almost any kind of mission.”

The Hokage nods. “Very well. If there is nothing else to discuss…” he trails off to give Orochimaru space to say something more. When he doesn’t, Sarutobi continues. “Then I believe you are dismissed.”

Orochimaru leaves.

As soon as he’s out of earshot, Sarutobi looks down at the reports on his desk from Panther and Bear.

Subject’s methods are unorthodox, but effective. Advise that the team remain in his care and assign the Subject a second team upon current team’s graduation.

Subject interacts well with charges. Likely extenuating circumstances contributing to camaraderie. Advise not to assign a second team to the Subject.

Fox drops down from the rafters silently. “Sounds like he doesn’t know himself too well, huh?” she says.

Sarutobi steeples his fingers. “Perhaps it is because he knows himself too well, and it is blinding him to his own strengths.”

“Perhaps it is because he’s never had to interact with children.” Crow quips.

Goose hesitates. “…Perhaps it’s because no-one has ever trusted him with children before.”

“Sakumo did,” Fox mumbles after a moment. “Sakumo trusted him and Kakashi loves Orochimaru to death.”

“I think we can all agree that Sakumo Hatake is a special case in many respects, and his son follows closely in his footsteps,” Sarutobi says. “But in this, I too will follow Sakumo. Orochimaru is better with those children than he thinks he is.”

Crow hums, disinterested. ‘They day Orochimaru realizes that children follow him like lost puppies is the day I retire.”

Hikaru, Orochimaru finds, is like Kakashi. He rarely smiles, but when he does it’s all the more precious for it. He likes to disappear at odd hours, but can always be found napping peacefully in the grass by the Naka with empty cartons of fresh fruit stacked neatly next to his head.

Akane is happiest when curled up by a window on a rainy day. She prefers hot tea and a thick blanket and a good book over training in the cold any day, and every last one of Orochimaru’s summons agrees with her (he finds them sleeping once, in front of the fireplace and curled close under the blanket to Akane, though to protect her or for her body heat is unclear). But on the hot days where the sun is too bright to look at she can’t be pulled away from the fields for anything.

Akira is the outlier. She wants to be good, wants to be better. She has bright ambitions but hardly has the means to do so. She trains with Kakashi, who outstrips her in talent at every turn but is no match for her spirit. She is the one who asks to learn the obscure jutsus, the one who practices seals a thousand times before even trying to pump the chakra through them.

They have been in Orochimaru’s care for five months, and have not mentioned leaving once.

He finds himself stopping by the dango shop every three days, it seems, and the longer he shows up regularly the wider Mitarashi smiles at him. He has a regular order and everything. More and more, Mitarashi’s little daughter Anko– who can’t be much more than three years old, but Orochimaru’s never been good at pinpointing the ages of children– decides to talks to him about his day. In twelve years or so, she’ll be an excellent saleswoman if she doesn’t follow through with her interest in the poisonous flowers Hikaru likes to braid into Orochimaru’s hair.

It’s not just Mitarashi and his daughter that have taken a shining to Orochimaru. Vendors in the marketplace have gotten increasingly familiar with his larger purchases of meat, bread, and most importantly, fresh fruit, romance novels, and pretty yet practical clothing for a six feet tall fourteen-year-old girl.

It all comes to a head the day jounin start coming to him to ask if their teams can train together. The first one, Sabe Tachibana, is a large man, taller than Akira and twice as broad, who looks like he could crush Orochimaru’s head between two fingers if given the chance.

“My team is made up of three strong-willed boys that just graduated from the Academy on their first try,” he says. “They think they’re all that and a bag of sealing scrolls. I think they need to be put in their place before I can teach them anything, but for the life of me, I can’t get them to listen. They’ve been like this for all three weeks since graduation.”

Orochimaru smirks. “Oh, don’t worry, Tachibana. They’ll be at your beck and call before tomorrow is done.”

He pretends that he doesn’t notice the five other jounin watching the inter-team practice, where all three of Tachibana’s genin show up late while complaining loudly about the hour and not giving one whit of attention to the other team on the training field.

“Sensei, are those girls?” one of them asks, his tone about as demeaning as it can get. “I thought you said we’re gonna train with the best genin team in the village, not that you wanted to get in their teacher’s pants.”

“And we are, Koushi. This is the best genin team in the village,” Tachibana responds evenly. He doesn’t acknowledge the boy’s second statement.

Orochimaru makes sure his hair swishes as he turns to face the three boys and hopes he looks more male and less androgynous than usual today. “And I thought I was pitting my team against worthy opponents. I look forward to you trying to prove me wrong.”

Tachibana gently resumes control of the conversation. He gestures to Orochimaru. “Boys, this is Orochimaru Yashagoro. He’s got the finest first-year genin I’ve seen in a long time, so keep your guard up.”

“Don’t go too hard on them, you three. Leave at least some of their dignity intact,’ Orochimaru instructs as he turns to his team.

One of the boys scoffs. “Like we need them to. What harm can two girls and a baby do to us?”

Orochimaru sees the immediate shift in the way Akane, Akira, and Hikaru are assessing the situation.

“Sensei, are you sure we have to hold back?” Akane asks, sickeningly sweet. “I would hate for them to think we’re not giving our all.”

“Dignity is useless. All that matters is skill. If they have it, then we don’t need to go easy.” Hikaru looks up at Orochimaru. “Right, sensei?”

At Tachibana’s direction, the two teams settle themselves at opposite ends of the training field. Orochimaru’s team falls easily into battle formation and move away from each other. From his place at one edge of the field, Orochimaru can see Hikaru reaffirm his grip on the hilt of his sword, Akira flex her fists, and Akane finger a tagged kunai. Conversely, Tachibana’s boys are too relaxed and hold their kunai like toys– and they’re all only wielding kunai.

“It’s a miracle they graduated, with form like that,” Orochimaru mumbles to his fellow teacher. “What kind of test did you give them?”

“I put an apple on my head and had them throw kunai at me to get it off.”

“Were you at least moving?”

Tachibana’s flush is answer enough. He clears his throat. “You fight until incapacitation or surrender. On my mark!” he shouts, raising one hand. The instant his arm drops, the three boys are off towards Orochimaru’s stationary team.

The first one to get in range is closest to Akira. She throws a punch. The instant it connects, the boy realizes his mistake, but by then it’s too late. He flies fifty feet before he hits the ground and then skids another ten before coming to a stop.

She sucks in a breath through her teeth. “Sorry!” she calls after him.

The second one thinks it’s a good idea to go after Akane, who is, admittedly, tiny for her age and looks like an easy target. But the moment he steps into a three-meter radius, he freezes in place and all Akane has to do is walk up to him and push him over.

The third is perhaps the most foolish, because under any circumstances it’s a bad idea to approach a child holding a sword, but Hikaru is especially dangerous. It takes all of a second for Hikaru to strike out with his lead hand, drawing a thin red line across his opponent’s face and sending strands of his hair fluttering to the ground. The boy’s hand shoots up to cradle his cheek, but before he can even get it high enough Hikaru drops down low and sweeps the boy’s legs out from under him.

His head meets the hard-packed earth with a crack. With that, Tachibana steps out onto the field and ends the match.

“I hope that you remember this day as the day you got your collective asses beat by two girls and a baby. Got it?” Akane sneers. “And next time you assume our teacher needs to use his team to get access to dick, I’ll make sure you won’t have to worry about yours anymore.”

Other fresh jounin teachers almost start lining up with their teams.

The childrens’ first mission is small. He gives the missions room a collective heart attack when he enters and requests a C-rank with his team in tow. They must strike quite the image, he thinks. The Hidden Leaf’s own double-edged sword, accompanied by the unholy offspring of an Uchiha and an Inuzuka, an eight-year-old who carries himself like the most weathered of jounin, and an otherwise nondescript girl with brown hair and a set of blazing Sharingan.

The terrified chuunin behind the deck passes Orochimaru an assignment for a message run to the Fire Country capital.

“We have hawks for messages,” Hikaru states, but in the month since he came into Orochimaru’s care he’s learned to read between the lines with Hikaru.

“A hawk is faster than most shinobi, that’s true. But hawks are easier to intercept than we are. If time is of the essence, the village will send a hawk. When security is valued over speed, they send shinobi,” Orochimaru says.

Two steps out of the gate, Akane trips over thin air and nearly sprains her ankle. This is the worst injury of the mission.

Orochimaru himself has been to the capital a scant few times, and the children have never left Konoha’s walls so while it’s always a treat for the Snake Sannin to see the city it’s nothing quite like the identical look of amazement that crosses all three of his charges’ faces.

The buildings in the capital are by far taller than anything in Konoha but the trees, of which there are few here. The marketplaces are more bountiful, full of all manner of things that just don’t make it to Konoha in large enough quantities– expensive teas imported from across the sea, delicate sheer fabrics that have no place in a shinobi village, household items imbued with seals that draw chakra from the environment to cook food faster or heat beds in the winter. The fresh flowers Konoha prides herself on can’t be found so easily here, replaced commonly by shining metal or fine Suna-blown glass replicas. The sturdy weapons the children know from their home are almost nonexistent, though Orochimaru does know where to get them if the need arises. Instead, tiny shops sell decorative knockoffs that won’t hold up for half a second in the field but look nice and shiny hanging on a wall.

“Can we come back someday?” Akira asks, once they’ve delivered their message and set off back to Konoha. She has three new shawls and a set of beautiful emerald jewelry in her bag, among other baubles.

“I certainly hope so!” the other girl exclaims. Akane’s found no less than five Uzushio fuuinjutsu scrolls sitting in a secondhand store and paid less than a quarter of what they’re worth.

Orochimaru smiles despite himself, looking at Hikaru. The boy is happily munching on some blackberries and has more cartons of fruit sealed away than Orochimaru cares to count.

“I don’t see why not.”

The next time Orochimaru has the opportunity to see Kakashi is on the boy’s birthday. He is six, and after the small celebration at Kushina’s apartment– complete with gifts Hikaru, Akane, and Akira had bought in the capital, because after their first meeting with the younger boy they had all become rather attached– Orochimaru takes Kakashi to visit Sakumo’s grave.

It’s not something he would ever do with his team, simply because they wouldn’t know the significance of it and he’s not in the mood to explain why his single best bonding activity with his kind of stepson is visiting Orochimaru’s ex-boyfriend’s grave.

Dust has formed on the headstone, so Orochimaru carefully brushes it away with one blessedly pale grey sleeve before setting down the bouquet he brought today. Orochimaru’s yellow camellias look nice with Kakashi’s white roses, and they look even prettier against the grey stone.

Neither one of them says anything until halfway back to Kushina and Mikoto’s apartment.

“I miss him,” Kakashi says, his voice painfully small and muffled by the mask Orochimaru just gave him. “Sometimes I wish he took me with him.”

Orochimaru’s blood runs cold. His heart stops beating for several seconds. His mouth is hanging open, and when he gathers the brainpower to realize he isn’t breathing, his next inhale shudders in his throat. Before he knows what he’s doing, Orochimaru drops to his knees and pulls the boy to him. There are tears leaking from his face into Kakashi’s silver hair.

He can’t say he hasn’t had the same thought. He wasn’t much younger than Kakashi when he lost his own parents, and both when they died– his father from sickness while his mother was on a mission she never came back from– and only a few months ago when Sakumo took his own life, the same idea plagued his every waking moment. Why didn’t I die from the epidemic too? Why didn’t Sakumo kill me as well as, instead of, himself?

“Kakashi, I’m sorry,” Orochimaru whispers. “I’m sorry the world had made you think that way.”

He remembers being six and being left alone in that big dark house because there was no-one to care for him. He remembers being thirty-one and watching as Kakashi was left alone in his own big dark house because his clan laws– the precious clan laws the village had to accommodate for fear of clans rioting– wouldn’t allow anyone outside his clan to do it. He remembers going to visit Kakashi every day for a month and getting turned away by ANBU at the door every single time until Kakashi finally told Orochimaru to stop coming.

Kakashi’s hands clench in Orochimaru’s hair. “Sometimes I wish I had died with Mom.” He’s quiet for a few moments. “You told me once that Dad killed himself because he was ashamed of how his choices were affecting me. So he would still be alive if I had died in the Massacre, right?”

Orochimaru had told Kakashi that about Sakumo so that he wouldn’t think that Sakumo hadn’t loved his son. What possessed the gods to twist Kakashi’s mind to misinterpret it so badly?

“Oh cub, I never meant for you to take it like that. I miss him too, but I never, ever wanted you to think like that.

“What your father did was foolish and wrong, and every day I wish that someone had been there to talk some sense into him. I wish that I hadn’t been out of the village that day. I was too kind the last time I spoke of your father. He thought that by taking himself out of the equation, the village wouldn’t project their hate elsewhere and that you wouldn’t be affected. In his haste to right what the village perceived as wrongs, he forgot that he was all you had. His actions were selfish and shallow, no matter how honorable his intentions happened to be. Don’t let yourself be dragged down by the choices of kind-hearted fools.”

Kakashi sniffs, then pulls away and wipes his eyes with one overly long sleeve. “Okay. That means to stop listening to Aunt Kushina then, right?”

Orochimaru chuckles low in his chest and ruffles Kakashi’s hair. “Don’t you go twisting my words, little one.”

“Then don’t give me words to twist,” the boy shoots back, a gentle smile in his tone. Orochimaru is sorry he can’t see it.

As with all things, it comes crashing down around his ears eventually.

It is either late at night or early in the morning depending on which child Orochimaru asks for the time, and all four of them have been summoned to the Hokage’s office.

“You asked for us, sensei.” Orochimaru states as he rises from the crouch he landed in. His children straighten up too behind him.

“Danzo has escaped captivity,” Sarutobi says. It’s unlike him to be so short, to use four words where he could make it boring with twenty. “I am confident in both your abilities and those of your team, but until Danzo is captured I am placing ANBU outside your house. It is likely he will come after the children and try to leave the village with them.”

Behind him, the air goes deathly still, and for one horrifying moment Orochimaru thinks that the children have scattered just from hearing Danzo’s name. If any of the reports he’s read– many of which he didn’t technically have permission to know about– are true, it’s a wonder they didn’t run for the hills.

“You are dismissed. ANBU Crow, Fox, and Goose will meet you at your home.” Sarutobi goes silent, looking down into his telescope jutsu’d crystal ball. Orochimaru stiffens at the names.

“Sensei, is there any significance to those three ANBU being assigned to our case?” Hikaru asks halfway back to the house in his attempt to break the tense silence– something he’s gotten better at in the past months.

Orochimaru nods gravely. “ANBU Crow, Fox, and Goose are the Hokage’s personal guards. That he’s reassigning them means Danzo is more dangerous now than he was before.”

“What was lesson fifty-one again? A desperate man is a dangerous man?” Akira supplies.

“And a dangerous, desperate man is a cornered man and cornered man is unpredictable,” Akane finishes, uncharacteristically somber.

“Sarutobi-sensei never told us stories about Danzo from his youth, but I think we all know there’s a reason why he of all people was the leader of Root. Be cautious,” Orochimaru warns. He feels like he’s being watched and he hates nothing more than being watched.

The instant he sets foot on the property, a shiver runs down his spine and he drops lower to the ground. He draws Kusanagi from its sheath. When he enters the house, he does it slowly and deliberately. The children follow his footsteps exactly.

The nightingale floor shrieks. Instantly, Orochimaru extends an arm and pulls his children behind him and brandishes Kusanagi.

Danzo looks worse for wear, like he’s probably been tortured. Whoever helped him escape T&I– because there’s no way he got out on his own, not on Itsue Morino’s watch– must have had some kind of medical knowledge, because the aging man’s injuries look half-healed.

“Don’t cause a fuss now, Orochimaru. Just give me the experiments and I’ll disappear,” Danzo says, just as calmly as if he was ordering lunch, but there’s a low hum of killer intent in the air. “This doesn’t have to be messy.”

Orochimaru bristles and bares his teeth. If there’s one thing he’s good at, it’s killer intent, and Danzo just doesn’t have the same dark, oily chakra that makes people shiver when they face Orochimaru on the battlefield. “Over my dead body.”

The elder scowls, but he draws a bloodied kunai from one tattered sleeve and leaps forward.

Orochimaru catches the blade with his own, and it doesn’t take much to force Danzo back. He may be older and more experienced, and the chuunin guarding his cell may have been weak, but Danzo’s been atrophying in a cell for six months while Orochimaru’s been training three energetic kids in how to fight and kill.

“I will be dead and buried before you lay another finger on my children. Do you hear me, Shimura?” Orochimaru snarls. He parries away the kunai again. “But don’t you worry–” a quick slice and a dull thump– “you’ll be gone before you get the chance.”

It’s a gentler death than a man like Danzo Shimura deserves, but Orochimaru is in no mood to play with delusional old men. He has no energy to call the Hokage and tell him of events. But if the three ANBU arrive not two minutes later and find nothing of the old man, well Orochimaru can’t control his snakes all the time. They are among the more fickle of summons, after all.

As if to show just how shitty his life is, Jiraiya gets mugged a scant two miles from Konoha.

He’s been away for three years, and before he can get home to his favorite bath house– full of his favorite patrons who he used to swear could smell him coming from a mile away and still hit him dead-on with their shoes– he gets jumped. And not just jumped, but jumped by three kids.

That’s it. He’s done. He just flops down on his face and pretends to be dead. Maybe all they’ll take is his money.

But the kids climb off him and don’t even go rummaging through his things.

“Are you sure this is him, Hika?” says a decidedly female voice. “Because he doesn’t exactly strike me as Sannin material.”

“Yes. He matches the photograph in the Hokage’s office perfectly,” a child replies. “I would also like to make you aware that I am hurt by you questioning the information I gave you.”

A second girl groans. “Hikaru, when Dad told you to be more apparent with your feelings this isn’t what he meant.”

“If Dad was displeased with my actions he would tell me so himself,” the child says.

“He didn’t want to hurt your feelings,” the first girl speaks again. “He knows you’ve been working hard at opening up to other people and just because Akane can’t appreciate that doesn’t mean that the rest of us can’t.”

“Thank you, Akira,” Hikaru says with a smile in his voice.

“Can we get back to the old geezer on the ground? I think he might be dead.” Akane’s voice is closer now. Did she kneel?

“You’re the medic. And I should remind you that if you call this man an old geezer, you’re saying the same of Dad,” Hikaru snarks.

Akane snarls again. “I swear to every god above and below, Hikaru, if you don’t shut up–”

“Children!” comes a harsh cry. A harsh cry that Jiraiya recognizes. His head jerks up and one of the three– Akane, probably– trips backward and falls.

“Hikaru, Akane, Akira, what are you doing?” Orochimaru demands, his hands firmly placed on his hips.

The taller girl stands stock-straight and seems to shrink under Orochimaru’s piercing golden gaze. “Nothing, Dad.”

He rounds on the other two. “Hikaru? Akane?”

Akane points an accusing finger at the ten-ish-year-old next to her. “It was his idea.”

Orochimaru hums. “Was it now?”

“I heard through secure channels that the Sannin Jiraiya would be returning to the village via this path today and, given the emotional shambles you were reportedly left in when he disappeared in Ame three years ago we decided to wait for him and make sure he wouldn’t hurt you again,” Hikaru rattles off. “Was this not appropriate?” For a moment, Orochimaru says nothing and Jiraiya prays for the kid’s safe passage into the Pure Lands. Then, he huffs out a sigh and smiles.

“Go home, all three of you. We’ll talk later.” The children– though two of them look to be fifteen and up– make off towards the village, Akane muttering about stupid gossipy gate guards with the wrong loyalties. Once they’re out of sight, Orochimaru looks to Jiraiya and his smile wanes. “So you’re back.”

“So you have kids,” Jiraiya retorts as he stands. “Who decided to give you kids? I haven’t been gone that long.”

Orochimaru extends one arm towards the village. “A lot has happened. I’ll explain on the way to tea.”

If you enjoyed this piece, why not take a look at other pieces written by the same author on AO3.

[myaekingheart]

65. Pieces

tw: suicidal thughts

               Rei sucked in a deep breath and ran her fingers over the scratchy sequins of Naru’s accent pillow. Her apartment looked so empty and cold now that she was gone. Men had been in and out all day collecting her things, many of which were adopted by her parents for safekeeping. They were desperate to cling to whatever was left of their little girl, which only made sense. She was all they had. She wondered if losing an only child revoked your right to call yourself a parent, or if the title was permanent the moment you had a baby. But then if you lost a child, did that make you a bad parent? Did that mean you had fucked up somewhere along the lines? Or was it situational? She wouldn’t have considered Naru’s mother and father bad parents. They raised a bright, beautiful, bubbly girl. If anything, the bad guy here was Rei. She was the one who let her best friend die. A sharp pain tinged between her breasts. Rei hugged the pillow to her chest and squeezed her eyes shut tight.  

               She had barely gotten any sleep the past two weeks. Heavy dark circles resided under her eyes, and her hands had taken it upon themselves to start trembling relentlessly. She looked to an old framed picture on the desk, of the three of them when they were children, and wondered if Sekkachi was alright. Rei hadn’t seen her since the incident in the cemetery. Her stomach flipped at the thought of it. I’m worthless, she thought to herself. None of this would’ve happened if she had just done better.

               Rei wondered if Sekkachi had been by recently, if there was anything in the apartment she may have wanted. Or at least anything material, a crappy keepsake. By the weekend, the place would be completely cleared out. There would no longer be any indication that Naru had lived there except in memory. Rei tugged open one of the desk drawers, filing through a tangled mess of necklaces Naru probably never even wore. The tacky kind she would’ve been into as a teenager but couldn’t stand to part with as an adult. She also insisted she might need them someday. Rei wondered if Sekkachi would have any interest, or if they were too delicate and pretty for her sake. And then her fingers found, in the back of the drawer, a small gold foil box. She tipped the lid off and inside was a single stud earring, a glistening aquamarine—Naru’s favorite color. Where it’s twin was, Rei had no clue. They looked like they hadn’t been worn in ages. Rei inspected the earring for a moment, considering gifting it to Sekkachi, then thought better of it. It would’ve made a nice apologetic gesture if nothing else, but it wasn’t worth it. For all she knew, Sekkachi wanted her dead. Arriving at her doorstep would only speed up the process. She couldn’t stand to leave the box alone, though. Perhaps she could just have someone else deliver it, like Guy. She could ensure he would pass it along properly. No direct contact needed. In a moment of weakness, she tucked the box into her pouch and closed the drawer.

               Heaving a sigh, Rei rose from the bed, sequined pillow in tow, and trudged across the hall to her own apartment. The longer she hung around at Naru’s, the worse she was going to feel. It was too painful to linger now. There were too many memories pressing against her brain like emotional meningitis.

               A part of her felt guilty for taking the pillow, as if she had no right to, but it wasn’t like she had looted the whole place. Besides, that pillow was the only thing she really needed. Rei was never one for sparkly things herself, but it was just so Naru. Flashy and upbeat and maybe a little obnoxious. She placed it carefully upon her unmade bed, then thought the damn thing (and, by extension, Naru) deserved better.

               “How are you holding up?” a gentle voice then called from the doorway. Rei recognized it instantly.

               Pasting on a fake smile, she turned around and greeted Kakashi with an equally fake response. “I’m fine, don’t worry about me.”

               Even with that mask on, it was clear the Copy Ninja was frowning. “You don’t have to lie in front of me” he reminded her, stepping nearer and brushing the bangs out of her face. “I know you’re upset.”

               “No, really, I’m alright” Rei insisted, taking a step back. She widened her grin, but her fists were clenched at her sides. “Besides” she added, “Even if I wasn’t, I don’t have time to sit around and sulk. I have work to do.”

               Kakashi watched her approach her dresser and begin changing into her uniform. A strong sense of uneas e fluttered through him and as she reached for her mask, he placed his hand atop hers to halt her. “I’m not so sure this is a good idea” he replied. “It’s too soon. You shouldn’t be going back to work.”

               Shaking her head, Rei attempted to meet his eyes but knew he would see right through her bullshit if she did, so she simply turned her attention instead to the zipper on his vest. “You act like I’m the one who was injured” she replied quietly, forcing a bittersweet laugh. Her scrapes and bruises had long since healed. Her conscience, however, was beyond repair. Not that it mattered, though. This was just her new normal, and all she needed was to adjust. Placing a comforting hand on Kakashi’s chest, she murmured, “I’ll be fine. Promise. No need to worry about me.”

               “I will always worry about you” Kakashi replied, but he took no other measures to stop her. Rather, he simply kissed her forehead through his mask and let her fix her own to her face.

               As he walked her down to the lobby of her apartment complex, however, she stopped a look of recognition touched her face. “Kakashi, do you have plans to see Guy soon?” she asked.

               “I wouldn’t be surprised if I ran into him” Kakashi replied. “Why?”

               “I need you to give him something for me” she said, fishing around her back pouch. She pulled out the little gold tin foil box and held it out to her boyfriend. “Give this to Guy for me, and make sure he knows it’s for Sekkachi. It was from Naru’s apartment. I thought she might want at least something.” There was a somber undercurrent in her voice and Kakashi’s heart swelled. Even after everything, it was true that Rei still cared.

               Kakashi nodded as he gently slipped the box into his own pouch. “I’ll make sure it gets to her safely” he replied. He reached out and squeezed her hand comfortingly, then bid her a brief goodbye. He watched her disappear from the lobby, a terrible feeling suddenly overwhelming him. Despite her brave face, he knew there was no way this could end well. And he was right.

                Kakashi dropped everything the minute he heard the news. His heart raced in his chest, his unusually steady hands shaking. As expected, Rei had lied. She wrongly assumed that getting back to work was the perfect distraction, when in reality it only made things worse. She lost her focus, she couldn’t think. When the enemy attacked, all she saw were blood and bodies.

               Shizune led Kakashi back to Rei’s hospital room where he found her unconscious but restless. He clenched his fists and approached cautiously, kneeling down beside her and brushing the hair away from her face. He couldn’t stand to see her like this. He closed his eyes and inhaled sharply to try and quench the pain. He pulled her hand into his and kissed it gently, then looked to Shizune and asked, “Is she going to be okay?”

               In her unconscious haze, it felt as if Rei was reliving everything on a loop, each time more vivid than the last. She lost herself in Naru’s cloudy blue eyes, the touch of her clammy skin, the way her mouth refused to shut. What have I done?! She heard her own voice scream, disconnected from her body. Oh god, what have I done?!

               A bright white light hit her in the face and for a moment, she thought that she, too, had finally died. But then the intensity faded out and she noticed a pair of strong arms wrapped around her. It immediately became clear, then, that she was in the hospital.

               “Rei, shh, calm down, it’s fine. You’re fine. Everything’s fine” Kakashi’s voice steady voice echoed. He held her close and kissed her forehead—anything to try to comfort her. Her entire body was racked with sobs so wild she could hardly breathe except to croak out wailed apologies, and her face was damp with tears and sweat. She hadn’t even realized she was trying to dig her nails into her forearms until Kakashi tugged her hand away, and she looked down to find dozens of little half-moon imprints in the soft flesh. “Rei, stop” he insisted, voice pleading but firm. “Slow your breathing down, it’s okay.” But she couldn’t stop. Not really. She fucked up everything she touched. She was a worthless piece of shit. Her best friend was dead because of her and nothing else mattered anymore.

               Shizune’s heart broke as she watched the scene unfold at a distance. This was the true weight of what this career could do to a person. At least, on the bright side, there was Kakashi. It was blatantly clear in this moment more than ever just how dedicated he was to Rei. It was one thing to say you loved someone, but to stick by their side through the grittiest, ugliest parts of their life was another entirely. She didn’t think she had ever seen anyone quite so devoted and tender.

               When she relayed the news to Tsunade, the hokage sighed and rubbed her temples in frustration. She wanted to give Rei the benefit of the doubt, but the state of her mental health was undeniable now. There was no other choice but to defer her from her duties. “We’ll start with two weeks” she said. “With frequent check-ins throughout. If she needs more time afterward, then so be it, but under no circumstances can we have her running around with weapons in her current state.”

               A sly smile touched the lips of an eavesdropper in the hallway. For a tiny sliver of a moment, Tenshi felt bad for Rei, but her compassion was overpowered by her own selfishness. She couldn’t wait to see the rest of her teammates’ reactions to this. Besides, they’d likely wonder where Rei was when she didn’t show up for work, anyway. Someone had to relay the message. It was only fair that Tenshi take responsibility. After all, she was the one who saved Rei from certain death in the field.

               Tenzo shifted uncomfortably as he overheard talk of Rein the ANBU locker rooms. Men spoke unkindly of her, calling her menhera, and making faces as if to allude to her psychosis. The whole thing honestly made him sick. He wondered who had started such rumors, but deep down he already knew the answer.

               “I can’t help but feel like it’s all a little insensitive” he said later, wandering the village alongside Mikazuki. “I mean, she’s clearly having a rough time. Don’t you think people should be a little more compassionate?”

               “If there is one thing I have learned about the ANBU” Mikazuki replied softly, munching on dango, “is that there is no room for compassion. And with Tenshi, that goes tenfold.”

               Tenzo shook his head and sighed. “I understand the way we’re expected to do things around here” he replied, “but sometimes there are exceptions, and this feels like one of them.”

               “I agree” Mikazuki nodded minutely. “I don’t think we should lose an ounce of our compassion, but that’s not what they want us to believe. If only Tenshi could understand.”

               “Do you think she ever will?” Tenzo asked. A stupid question, really.

               Sighing, Maikzuki dolefully took a big bite of her dango and replied, “No.”

               Rei croaked awake to find Kakashi fast asleep beside her, his head resting on the edge of the bed. Has he been here this entire time? she wondered. Her heart ached at the sight of him. He was wasting his time. He had work to do, didn’t he? He shouldn’t be absent from his duties just for her. As she shifted and stretched her arms up into the air, Kakashi stirred awake with a sleepy smile and rubbed her thigh affectionately.

               “Did you sleep alright?” he asked. She had been so tired, he hoped she had gotten at least some semblance of an adequate rest.

               Drawing her knees to her chest, she shrugged and glanced out the window. “I guess” she murmured. “It’s just so hard to get the thoughts out of my head…”

               “Is there anything I can do?” Kakashi asked.

               Rei shook her head. “You’ve done more than enough” she whispered. “I won’t ask too much of you.”

               “It’s no trouble at all” he replied. “I would do anything for you, you know that.”

               “Just because you would doesn’t mean you should” she said. “Besides, I don’t deserve it.”

               “Don’t talk like that” Kakashi insisted. “That’s not true and you know it.”

               “Yes, it is!” Rei fired back. “I’m a terrible person! I don’t even understand why I’m still alive right now! I should’ve died back there, on my last mission. I was stupid and unfocused, and I should’ve paid the price. I still don’t understand how I’m still breathing, or who stepped in to save me, but I’d like to find out so I can sucker punch them in the gut because they should’ve left me for dead!”

               “And what do you think is going to happen if you die, Rei?” Kakashi asked. “Do you think the world and everyone in it would be better off? Or happier? Because they wouldn’t. I wouldn’t.”

               “There are far better options out there, Kakashi” Rei replied, burrowing back into the blankets. “You don’t deserve to be stuck with a basketcase like me. I’ve only ever brought you trouble, anyway.”

               Taking her hands in his, he pulled them close and insisted—no, begged—her, “I refuse to let you believe that, Rei. There isn’t anyone else I would want to be with. You mean the world to me. You’re all I have.”

               “And that’s still not enough” Rei replied. “Don’t waste your time on me, when you could have something better.”

               “Why do you keep insisting that you’re not good enough?” Kakashi demanded.

               “Because it’s the truth?” Rei replied. “I’m a terrible person, Kakashi. I break or hurt or kill everything I touch. I’m an insensitive, worthless piece of shit. I’ve even hurt you.”

               “What do you mean?” he asked.

               She pulled the covers up over her face so that only her eyes and the top of her head were visible. Her voice quivered as she spoke. “I know what it’s like now…to lose someone. I never should’ve asked you to stop visiting the cemetery. I’m so fucking selfish, I’m such an idiot, I…”

               Kakashi leaned back and sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “You don’t have to apologize” he finally said. “I understood your reasons. You were just scared.”

               “It doesn’t matter” Rei shook her head. “I was so mean to you about it, so….so insensitive. And now this is what I get for punishment. It rips me apart every goddamn day. All I want to do is go and sit next to her, or bargain with God or something, ask him to take me instead if I could just bring her back. She deserves it more than I do, anyway. But I know that’s impossible. I can never undo the damage I’ve done. And it hurts…oh god, it hurts.” Her voice cracked, and tears began to well up in her eyes again. She gripped the sheets, then buried her face in her pillow and broke down. All Kakashi could do was sigh, rest his head beside hers, and rub her back while whispering tender assurances.

               When she was finally released from the hospital, he walked slowly alongside her back to her apartment. The closer they came, however, the more she began to tremble until finally she stood stock-still outside the front door looking as if she was about to have another breakdown. The mere thought of returning, of seeing Naru’s empty apartment across the hall, was too much to bear. Kakashi placed a reassuring hand on the small of her back, then went up by himself to pack her an overnight bag. If she couldn’t sleep in her own bed tonight, then she would find home in his.

               That night, he couldn’t bring himself to sleep. He kept looking over to Rei passed out beside him, her entire body curled up tight. He had an assignment the day after next, but could he really leave her like this? His mind flashed back to that night he found her on the bathroom floor, the cuts up her arms and on her thighs. He never wanted to ever see her do that to herself again, he was so desperate about it he could feel it deep in the pit of his chest like rising anger. He pressed the heels of his hands into his eye sockets and exhaled sharply, considering his options. He would just have to speak with Lady Tsunade in the morning and come to an agreement.

               Rei stirred awake to blinding sunlight striking her square in the face. She groaned and sniffed the air, the smell of citrus punching her. And then she caught sight of a blurry green figure looming over her. Startled, she reached for the kunai on the nightstand and aimed it at her opponent, only to find once her vision clarified that it was Might Guy. He seemed completely unaffected.

               “Rise and shine!” he announced cheerily. “It’s a beautiful morning, you don’t want to miss it!” He leapt up and ripped the curtains open even wider, bathing the entire room in a pastoral glow.

               Rei winced and shielded her eyes, setting the kunai back down on the nightstand. Beside it sat a tray of food: a fresh orange, a bowl of porridge, a glass of ice water. “Guy, what the hell are you doing here?” she asked. “Where’s Kakashi?”

               “Kakashi had some errands to run this morning but he didn’t want to leave you alone so he sent me!” Guy explained. Oh, perfect, Rei thought to herself. Just what she needed.

               Lady Tsunade rubbed her forehead as she contemplated Kakashi’s plea. She understood his desperation—she was not heartless, but things in Konoha were rough. The Akatsuki remained an ever-looming threat and Kakashi was one of their strongest. She couldn’t afford to lose him. “What other options are there?” she asked. “Is there anyone else you feel safe leaving her with so you don’t have to miss work?”

               The first thing that popped into Kakashi’s mind was her family, but even then he knew that was a risk. The safest place for her to be was with him. If only that was possible. He accepted that he could not just drop everything to stay by her side. Sometimes something like that just isn’t in the cards. He didn’t want to have to do this, but he knew deep down he had no other choice. He accepted the circumstances, and together he and Tsunade made an agreement.

               Kaminoki will be good for you, he had tried to tell her. He carried her things to her parent’s apartment, keeping a close eye on her anxiety. He could tell she was scared. He could tell she didn’t want to do this. It broke his heart to know this was because he couldn’t find a way to stay with her. They reached the bookstore and Grandma Teiko hobbled out to greet them. At least that was the one saving grace of this plan: if anything, Kakashi knew without a doubt that he could trust Grandma Teiko. She kept Rei sane all those years when she was growing up, he expected her to have the same effect now. She smiled up at him and patted him on the arm, a silent seal of approval. The twinkle in her eye told him she was proud and appreciated everything he had done thus far. A confirmation that he was leaving Rei in good hands.  

               Before departing, he wrapped his arms around her and held her close. If only he could hug her tight enough to merge all her broken pieces back together. “Stay safe” he whispered, kissing her forehead. She couldn’t meet his eyes, couldn’t promise him. “And I’m leaving you with this” he then said, handing her a scroll from his pouch. “If you have a panic attack again, I want you to summon Pakkun.” He had faith his steadfast ninken would know what to do and would be able to help calm her down like an emotional support animal. It was an extra layer of protection against whatever triggers might appear while he was gone. She took the scroll and hugged it to her chest, then nodded once and finally looked up at him. The sadness in her eyes, the defeat, made it so damn hard to leave but he knew he had no choice. He kissed her goodbye and then disappeared.

               Despite the handful of berating comments from her parents, helping out at the bookstore was the perfect distraction. It provided her the busywork she felt she needed while also safeguarding her from anything more dangerous than the occasional paper cut. It helped that they had been rather busy lately, as well. Rei wasn’t quite sure what it was, but day in and day out they were visited by scores of children hungry to read. Interacting with them was a nice change of pace, even if Rei wasn’t particularly gifted with kids. They were wide-eyed and wondrous, with no real worries or responsibility. Deep down, Rei missed those simple, halcyon days. She wished she had still retained the same innocence and purity. If only their inevitable corruption could be delayed—she’d hate to see them face the same pain and suffering that she felt. Running around with paper ninja headbands, they knew nothing of the true strife of this career.

               During busy hours, she was, for the most part, fine. It was when Kaminoki reached a lull that her mind played dangerous games. With nothing to do, her thoughts began to wander and soon, she was gripping the edge of the checkout counter struggling to breathe. She considered the scroll in her back pocket, but then a different thought entered her mind. She sucked in a deep breath, then approached the fiction shelves and perused all the way to “H,” pulling a familiar title. How a Shinobi Should Die.

               This was pointless. No matter what she tried, she was certain there was no way to ever end this overwhelming guilt. She would live with this pain for the rest of her life, so it only made sense to shorten it. She would have to be discreet about it, and quick. She flipped through the pages of the book, her hands shaking, desperate for ideas.

               “Catching up on some reading material?” a voice then spoke. Interrupted from her rapid-fire thoughts, Rei startled and shoved the book behind her back.

               “Th-things are just…slow…” she said, and was surprised to find how out of breath she was. Grandma Teiko cocked a brow in suspicion and hobbled forward, snatching the book from behind Rei’s back.

               “How a Shinobi Should Die, huh?” she asked. “A popular title with the edgy youth. They’re all razors and drugs these days” she shook her head. Rei could feel the sweat beading on her brow, the lump rising in her throat. She should’ve just summoned the damn dog. At least then she could avoid this awful confrontation. With a knowing glimmer in her eye, Teiko approached the door and turned the sign to “CLOSED,” then motioned for Rei to follow her upstairs. “Let’s have a little talk.”

               She really didn’t want to do this. What if her mother overheard, and went hysterical? What if her father was to walk in and seethe? No, it was easier to just keep things a secret. When it was only herself, there was no fear of judgment. But Grandma Teiko would not let her off the hook.

               “I’ve heard the things they’ve been saying about you, you know” she said, settling into the window seat in Rei’s old bedroom. Her belongings had since been replaced with bookshelves bowing at the center from thick financial binders and desks cluttered with paperwork. Rei took a seat beside the old woman and sighed. “I want to remind you that I won’t judge you for anything you say to me today. I just want to hear your side of the story.”

               Rei shook her head, swatted at the air. “It’s really nothing. You don’t have to worry.”

               Grandma Teiko twisted her cane in her hands. “Don’t make me use this on you, girl” she threatened. “You seem to forget what a good bonk to the head can do!”

               “Sorry” Rei murmured. She twiddled her thumbs in her lap and chewed her bottom lip, hoping that perhaps she could get out of this if she just avoided it long enough. Maybe then the old woman would give up and let her be. Realistically, though, she knew Grandma Teiko wasn’t going to budge.

               After a long stretch of waiting, Rei finally caved. She told the old woman everything, fighting tears the whole time. If she had to be open about things, she at least refused to cry about it. Grandma Teiko listened dutifully, patting Rei on the back and reminding her during especially rough patches of retelling that it was more than okay for her to take her time. Rei truly felt pathetic, but at the same time it was mildly refreshing to purge herself of all these thoughts and feelings. When she was done, Grandma Teiko sucked in sharp breath and frowned.

               “It seems like you’ve had a lot on your plate, girl” she commented after a moment of silence. “I know how much Naru meant to you. She was a sweet girl, I always liked her. Her death is a real tragedy, but you know what else is a tragedy?”

               “What?” Rei asked, wiping her nose with the back of her hand.

               “The way you keep blaming yourself for what happened” Teiko replied, “Especially going so far as to want to kill yourself. That’s no way to react.”

               Rei didn’t want to feel offended, but she did. “Well, what else am I supposed to do?” she asked, a fury rising from deep within her. “It only makes sense—a life for a life. I’ve caused so much pain, I’ve fucked everything up, I deserve the worst level of punishment possible.”

               “And what do you think Naru would think of this solution?” Teiko asked. “Do you think she would agree?”

               Pausing, Rei pursed her lips and averted her eyes. She could see the whole thing playing out in her head: Naru would find out and lose her mind, start a whole big spiel about how beautiful the world was and how there was so much possibility, and what good did hurting herself do? It didn’t make any sense and she would insist Rei stopped right now or else Naru would kick her butt. She would be furious. But that was the thing: she wasn’t here. What she might’ve thought no longer mattered.

               Sensing her granddaughter’s thought process, Grandma Teiko stood up and shuffled to the window. “Grief is a terrible thing, and I know it’s not something you can get over just like that”—here, she snapped her fingers to further enhance her point. “The important thing is that we don’t let it consume us. We only have one life, girl. It would be a shame to waste it preoccupied with death.” She turned back around and approached Rei, cupping her cheek in a maternal nature. “I know nothing anyone says is ever going to make you feel better about Naru, and that’s okay. You’re allowed to be angry and sad, you’re expected to grieve. Cry, scream, punch a tree, whatever you need to do to get those feelings out. Just make smart choices about it—don’t hurt yourself because you think you deserve it, because you don’t. It’s easy to blame ourselves but remember that battles are not self-contained. It takes two to tango, as they say. Just because Naru died doesn’t mean you failed, it just means those assholes you were up against made the wrong choice for your case. If anyone should face blame, it’s them. After all, you didn’t stick a weapon in her chest, did you? No, it was them. So it wasn’t your fault.” Rei sighed and tried to remind herself that Grandma Teiko had eons more experience than she did on the matter, and likely had lost tons of friends throughout her life, but she still found it hard to pick herself back up after everything. Grandma Teiko reseated herself beside her granddaughter, taking her hands in hers, and forced Rei to look at her. “And more than anything, I never want to see you looking into suicide ever again, understood? Or else this cane will hit your head, more than once. Killing yourself is never the answer, and will always bring more harm than good. You’ve come too far and worked far too hard to give everything up now. Think of everything you’ll lose.” There was a knowing glimmer in her eyes that silently added to Grandma Teiko’s argument, and Rei knew in that moment she was especially referring to Kakashi. All those years when she pined after him, Grandma Teiko was right by her side training her and pushing her to do her best, to prove her worth, and ready with wisdom and comfort when Rei hit a depressive spell. She knew she could never leave him like that without feeling incredible remorse; and really, after all this time, she had finally gotten exactly what she wanted. Was she really willing to give it all up so soon?

               Rei slowly descended the stairs, trying to sort through all the new thoughts flurrying in her brain. A couple customers stood outside Kaminoki peering through the windows, trying to deduce why the shop was closed in the middle of the day like this. Rei turned the sign back around and welcomed them inside, pasting a fake smile on her face. They likely already knew her current condition—it seemed the entire village had—but she didn’t need to add fuel to the fire. As she assisted them and then rang them up, however, she thought about her conversation with Grandma Teiko. When the shop reached another lull, she weaved through the bookshelves toward the self-help section. There were a few titles that Grandma Teiko had recommended to help her sort through her thoughts and feelings, a type of DIY therapy so to speak, that intrigued her. She located one on the shelf and began thumbing through the pages, eyeing diagrams about breathing techniques and self care. She couldn’t be sure if any of these would really work but somewhere inside of her she knew she needed to at least try. There was at least one thing Grandma Teiko was certainly correct about: she had come too far and worked far too hard to give everything up now. It was scary, and she was tired, but she needed to try.