#{ i hope you all left my inbox and went straight to CHURCH }

[lupaeusarc]

yall need jesus 😭😂

[bluehairedlordwrites]

To Love and To Lose

Series: Fire Emblem: Three Houses

Characters: Felix, Sylvain, Ingrid

Prompt: Sylvain tries to get Felix to ask a girl out, but when he falls for a certain someone, Sylvain later hears grim news about the one his friend admires.

Rating: SFW, PG-13 (drama, violence)

Notes: This is my first in a series of many short stories about Fire Emblem: Three Houses. While I am still capable to write about other series’s, Fire Emblem will always be my number 1, and Three Houses school environment and lovable characters lends itself to be so easy to make short stories out of.

I’d also like to add that while I think of myself as a decent writer, my syntax and grammar can be a bit off at times, so if you spot anything wrong, please let me know, I’d super appreciate it!

And as always, let me know how you felt about the story as a whole. I put a lot of love into writing and I really hope it shows. Likes and re-blogs are always welcome <3

Also! If you have prompt ideas for short stories you’d like to see me tackle, hit up my inbox with the plot premise and series and I’ll see if I can make it happen.

Okay, that’s it. Thanks for reading!

It was a slow weekend in the Garreg Mach monastery. Lunch had only just begun. The stoic swordsman Felix sat down and quickly began to stuff his meal down, eager to go back to the training grounds. After the Duscur bear slab managed to make its way into his stomach, Felix stood up and began his walk back, only to be interrupted by an old friend of his.

“Woah there!” his friend said, raising his hand up to stop the swordsman.

“Sylvain.” Felix addressed. “Can this wait? I’m busy.”

“Ah ah ah!” the red haired skirt chaser wagged his finger in Felix’s face. “I believe YOU have a debt to repay.”

“Ugh...” Felix responded disgruntled. “That whole thing? I was hoping you would just forget about it.”

“How could I?” Sylvain rhetorically asked before answering it himself. “The deal was if I beat you in a sparing match, you’d ask a girl out.”

Felix reached for his training sword tied to his waist.

“How bout a rematch then? If you beat me this time, I’ll ask two girls out. If I win, this whole things off.”

Sylvain laughed. “Sorry, no can do. I don’t beat you very often, and I won fair and square last time.”

“I wouldn’t say that. I wasn’t feeling very well last time, so a rematch is-“

“Oh shut it and come with me.” Sylvain interrupted, taking his friend by the arm.

“Wh-Hey! Unhand me!” Felix demanded.

The two friends, although Felix may have been hesitant to use that term for Sylvain again, began to head towards the Entrance Hall of the monastery. The hall was filled with tables where several groups of friends partook in casual conversation about classes, battles, other classmates, and a wide variety of other topics. Sylvain gestured Felix to a seat, which he took, albeit begrudgingly.

“Now you wait here, I’ll be right back.” Sylvain told his friend, who rolled his eyes and sighed in response.

After a moment of silence where Felix sat, deciding whether or not to just run away, cut his hair, and change his name to avoid this whole situation, Sylvain returned with a woman at his side. She was an average height with short red hair, and an earnest smile.

“This here,” Sylvain introduced, patting her on both shoulders, “is Nora, a former flame of mine. As it turns out, I owe her a favor, and you will help me repay it.”

“Oh great.” Felix responded, sarcasm pouring from his mouth. Sylvain turned to Nora.

“Nora, this is-“

“Felix Hugo Fraldarius!” Nora finished Sylvains sentence. “Son of Lord Rodrigue Fraldarius! Of course I know him!”

“Oh look at that!” Sylvain said excitedly. “You already know so much about each other! Well, I’ll leave you two alone so-“

“So, you want to marry me because of who my father is then correct?” Felix accused.

“Wh-what?” Nora asked perplexed. “N-no, I-“

“Then why did you have to name him? You can’t hide it from me. You don’t even know who I am. Quit wasting my time, girl.”

“You... you... UGH!” Nora yelled. In an instant, she turned on her heel and stomped away angrily. Then, it was just the two of them again.

“Oooookay.” Sylvain broke the silence. “I definitely didn’t even have a chance to walk away, but y’know what, we can work on that.”

“Oh quit wasting your time, you idiot.” Felix snapped. The black haired nobleman jolted to his feet, lifting his bag over his shoulder.

“Woah woah, where you goin’?” Sylvain asked, standing in his friends way.

“To the training hall. To actually be productive. Now step aside.”

“Like hell I will! You still owe me!”

“I talked to her didn’t I? The deals been settled.”

“Yeah, you talked to her. For just enough time to scare her away. The deal was you would ask a girl out, NOT make one go cry in her room for the rest of the day.”

Felix grunted, walking towards Sylvain and bumping him out of the way. Not accepting this as a conclusion to their debate, Sylvain followed after him.

It wasn’t long until the two boys made it to the training hall. Felix turned around to see his childhood friend following a mere feet behind him.

“Would you go away already?” he ordered. “I already told you it’s not happening.”

“No can do Fraldarius!” the son of the Gautier family responded. “Not until I see you ask out a girl. And for REAL this time.”

“How many times do I have to say-“

The two boys bickering was brought to an abrupt halt over the sound of a young woman grunting loudly and the sound of shattering wood. The two immediately turned to the source of the noise, and saw a shorter girl with long black hair and sharp brown eyes. In her hand was a sharp longsword, and in front of her was the remains of a test dummy. Felix’s eyes widened at the scene in front of him, as the girl casually flipped her hair out of her eyes, beads of sweat visibly flying off her face.

“Who... is that?” he asked slowly.

“Oh boy... I know her.” Sylvain answered, albeit disgruntled. “That would be Violet von Schwarz of the Black Eagle house. She’s one of the only girls in the monastery who’s rejected me more than once. All she cares about is training, and she can bit of a hardass, so-“ he paused for a moment, looked to Felix, then to Violet, then back to Felix, then smiled, “On second thought... maybe she’d be perfect for you. Go get em tiger!”

Sylvain patted his friend on the shoulder, then thrusted him forward. Felix’s face went bright red as he stumbled forward, then quickly regained his posture. The girls eyes darted over to Felix, and their eyes met.

“You.” Violet said, her voice cold as ice. “Grab me another training dummy will you?”

“Wh-what?” Felix replied shakily. “Who are you to boss me around?”

“What was that?” she responded sharply. Felix’s spine shot straight up.

“N-nothing!” he said, shakier than before. “Please, allow me.”

He darted over to the storage closet nearby and pulled out a wooden training dummy. As he brought it over, he saw Violet pull out a rag and wipe the sweat off her forehead. Felix’s face turned a bright pink, as he placed the dummy in position in front of her.

Sylvain covered his mouth to avoid letting a laugh sneak its way out. He took a few steps back, wanting to give them space, but desperately wanting to hear how this situation unfolds.

“So, I don’t believe we’ve met.” Violet noted. “I’m Violet. You?”

“W-wait.” Felix halted the question. “You don’t know who I am?”

“If I did would I have asked dumbass?”

“R-right, of course.” Felix replied, his face hitting a familiar shade of red.

There was a pause of silence.

“... Well?” she asked again impatiently.

“O-oh! Right!” he responded, shaking his head.

“F-Felix Hugo Fraldarius. Son of Rodrigue-“

“Yeah I didn’t ask for your whole family tree thank you.” she interrupted.

“S-sorry.” Felix apologized quickly.

More silence.

“So then. Are you gonna go train or do you plan on staring at me all day?”

“A-actually, if you don’t mind... I would like to observe your fighting methods. The fact you were able to obliterate that training dummy is an impressive feat on its own. Maybe I could show you some more tricks. After all, I’m at the top of my class in sword fighting techniques.”

“Oh yeah? Alright, watch and learn, Mr. TopOfYourClass.”

Violet began to strike at the dummy in a myriad of fashions, while Felix watched from behind. Every swing of her blade was carried with both strength and purpose, not a single strike split away from her intentions. Felix was only able to slide in a few notes of critique, but each one felt like mere nitpicking. She was a near flawless fighter in his eyes.

Soon enough, the monastery church bell rang, signaling students to begin their way to their next classes.

“Well, guess that’s all for today.” Violet deducted. “I better head to class before I get another lecture from Edelgard about being late. But hey, it was good to talk sword with a fellow sword fighter.”

“Y-yes, I suppose it was.” Felix replied. He watched as she began to pack her belongings away and head for the door, when suddenly, a jolt of bravery overcame him.

“W-wait!” he yelled over. She turned to look back at him, waiting for him to continue.

“Um...” he stuttered. “I’ll... I’ll be here tomorrow too, so... if you want a sparing partner or something. If you want of course. If you don’t, that’s fine.”

Violet let out a slight smile, causing Felix’s face to go the deepest red it’s been all day. “Yeah... maybe I will. I got a mission tomorrow, so maybe I’ll be back then. I look forward to cleaning the floor with you tomorrow.”

“Oh please.” Felix challenged back. “You won’t stand a chance against me.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to go all out... see you then Felix.”

At the turn of her heel, she made her way towards the classrooms. Felix, completely entranced, watched every step she took until she was out of sight.

“Attaway to do it buddy!” Sylvain broke the silence, startling his friend.

“S-Sylvain?!?” Felix yelled. “How long were you standing there?”

“I never left! And I’m so glad I didn’t leave, or I would have missed you asking her out!”

“Idiot... I didn’t ask her out, we’re just sparing together tomorrow. Nothing more.”

“Ohhhh is that right?” Sylvain replied sarcastically. “Well, if that’s the case, then that means you still have to ask a girl out.”

Felix appeared stunned at first, then looked like he was going to respond, but ended up sighing in defeat.

“... Fine. But only if it gets you off my back.”

———————————————————————

The next day blew by in a breeze, and lunch time was already upon Garreg Mach. After a brief sparing match against Ingrid, Sylvain ended up getting a cut on his arm, so he decided to head to Manuelas office to get patched up. As he stood outside her door, he heard voices from inside the room. Curious, he leaned his ear forward to see if he could overhear anything.

“I’m so sorry Lady Rhea... I really did everything I could, but the wounds were too severe. Trying to heal them now would only prolong her suffering.”

Sylvain recognized that voice as Garreg Machs nurse Manuela, even through her shaky and teary voice.

“I understand Manuela. You did all that you could.”

Archbishop Rheas voice was calm as ever.

“I’ll send word to her parents... Goodness.. we cannot allow anymore students to be put in peril like this anymore. This is the third one this year.”

Another voice, Sylvain deduced to being Rheas head advisor Seteths voice.

“I will pray to make sure the poor girls soul finds her way to the goddess.”

“Thank you Lady Rhea... Thank you.”

Curiosity turned to worry, Sylvain took a step forward and peered into Manuelas office. Just as suspected, Rhea, Seteth, and Manuela all stood circling one of the beds, on top of which laid a body.

“Oh no...” Sylvain said quietly. He slowly and quietly inched to avoid detection, then when he knew he was out of audible range, he dashed downstairs.

Forgetting he even had an injury, Sylvain ran through the courtyard by the classrooms and into the training hall. There, as expected he saw Felix, swinging his blade away at a wooden dummy. His swings were slow, but heavy, which was unlike his normal swift strikes. Sylvain could tell something was wrong.

“Hey, Felix.” he started. “Is... everything okay?”

Felix didn’t respond at first, instead deciding to swing two more times. Then, he paused, but didn’t turn to look at his friend.

“She didn’t show up.” Felix responded, each syllable as sharp as the last.

“Is... that so?” Sylvain said, knowing that answer was coming.

“I don’t get it. Women flock to me normally and I push them away. Now the one time I show vulnerability, I get... betrayed!”

Upon saying ‘betrayed’, Felix took another heavy swing at the dummy.

Sylvains stomach was in knots. He couldn’t bear to see his friend like that. He knew the truth of why Violet didn’t attend their planned training date, but he didn’t know which would hurt more; Felix believing that he was led on and ultimately cast aside, costing him any ounce of confidence he had in finding love again, or the truth, which may be just as grim for him to hear. Eventually, the guilt inside of him shoved the words out of his mouth.

“Hey... buddy...” he began.

“Don’t.” Felix interrupted. “Haven’t you done enough? Just leave me alone. I’m obviously not worth the time for some people.”

“Felix.” Sylvain restarted his though, this time much stricter. “Violet didn’t not show because she doesn’t like you. She didn’t show up because... she was killed during her mission. I saw her body in Manuelas office earlier, and... I came over to tell you.”

The hall got quiet. All that could be heard was the distant chatter from outside, alongside the flapping wings of the wyverns and pegasi that flew overhead. Felix’s grip slightly loosened on his sword, but he still did not turn to face his friend. Sylvain, desperate to fill the silence, began to speak, starting with an apology.

“Felix... I’m so sorry.”

Not a second after Sylvain got the last word out, Felix let out a powerful shout and swung his sword down, chopping the wooden mannequin in half. Sylvain covered his face to avoid wood shards flying into his eyes, then peeked between his fingers as he watched Felix quickly march away.

“C’mon, wait!” Sylvain begged. “Let’s talk about this!”

His words fell on deaf ears. Felix was already out of sight. Sylvain let out a heavy sigh, feeling responsible for breaking his friends heart. He knew the only way to make it right was to help him out, and he wasn’t going to stop until his friend felt better.

———————————————————————-

“He’s gotta be in here.”

Sylvain and his and Felix’s dear friend Ingrid stood outside Felix’s dorm room, expecting this to be the only place they could imagine him being in.

“Let me take care of this.” Ingrid said. She tapped her knuckles to the door. “Felix? We know you’re in there. Please come out. We just want to talk.”

No response.

“C’mon man.” Sylvain added. “I know I really messed up. I’m sorry. Let me help you feel better. You, me, and Ingrid can go train for as long as you want, then enjoy a feast on me!”

Still no response.

“Felix...” Ingrid bit her lip before continuing. “I... Look, you and I are the ones who understand losing someone we love the most. When Glen died, all I wanted to do was disappear for ever. But I knew that I had responsibilities to my friends, to my family, to my house, to my kingdom... I couldn’t just brush all that away. And you and I both know Glenn would never have wanted us to just give up... and I think Violet felt the same.”

There was a long silence. Sylvain shifted side to side, beginning to feel that either Felix was never going to respond, or he may not even be in his room at all. Finally, the two of them heard a voice from behind the door.

“Idiot... I didn’t love Violet, I only just met her. Glenn was my brother, and I loved him more than anyone... so...” His voice grew hoarse, as if he was about to cry. “So... so why does this hurt just as much?”

“Look...” Sylvain began, after letting out a heavy sigh. “Love is complicated. Sometimes its fast, and sometimes it takes time to grow. But this obviously really hurt you. I shouldn’t have pushed you into going through with this, I... really just wanted to make you happy. Like how we used to be.”

There was another pause. The two heard footsteps coming from inside, then with the turn of a lock, the door opened, revealing the now red, slightly puffy eyed swordsman. He didn’t make eye contact with them and quickly rubbed under his eyes with his sleeves.

“It’s... not your fault you fool. She was... too reckless. I was hoping to have taught her about that today but...”

He let out another sigh.

“… I guess I was too late… and… that must be what hurts so much.”

“Felix…” Ingrid responded sympathetically. “You know it’s not-“

“You don’t-“ Felix snapped quickly, paused, then continued, “-… know that. Neither do I… but it’s too late now anyway… just… I…”

Another tear rolled down his cheek, which he quickly wiped away once again.

“I can’t do this again… I can’t lose someone I lo-…care about… again. Which means… you two better not die on me. That goes for Annette, Ashe, Mercedes… yes, even the boar prince and his mutt… I can’t lose anyone like this again.”

“Awh jeez buddy.” Sylvain said softly. He turned to Ingrid, and a slight smile slowly stretched over his face. “C’mon Ingrid, I think he needs a hug.”

Ingrid nodded, and they moved closer to their friend.

“H-hey, stop!” Felix ordered. “Enough of that, I don’t do- hey!”

It was too late. The two of them squeezed Felix into a tight embrace. After a few moments of struggle, he stopped, paused, then laid his arm across the both of them.

“Fine… just… just this once.”

The three friends remained in an embrace for quite some time. Could have been seconds, could have been hours, possibly days. Felix couldn’t tell anymore. Even when the two of then finally removed their hands from him, he never really let go.

END

[oyesmendes]

I'll be there

a/n: I got this idea a while ago and I've really been sitting on the fence for it, but since you guys asked, here it is. grab a snack, tissue and lots of emotions. if you're feeling down or you need an ear to hear you our, my inbox is always open and im here for every single one of ya beautiful humans. xx ash

warnings: mentions of death, hallucination, angsty and kinda sad 

“Shawn?..Shawn I’m so sorry baby, Riley is gone…” He let out another choked sob, his mother only able to comfort him through the phone. You stood there in front of him ready to catch him if he fell, which he did and you had him in your arms in seconds. The phone smacked straight down to the floor and he completely broke in your arms. You squeezed him as tight as you could, whispering into his ears softly.

“Shh, its okay I’ve got you gorgeous, I’ve got you” once his breathing evened out, you picked up the phone on the floor, surprised that Karen hadn’t hung up on Shawn. Instead, she still was behind the phone breathing softly into the speaker. Shawn had his head buried into your neck, tears rolling down his face uncontrollably

.“Hey Karen..”

“How’s he holding up?” A soft sigh escaped your lips as you massaged Shawn’s scalp with your free hand. 

he’s broken. “He’s okay, for now at least. We’ll be on the next flight back.”

“Alright sweetheart, take care of him for me okay, I’ll see you both when you’re back” Karen hung up and the dressing room was once again filled with silence. The crew had given Shawn the privacy that he needed when he received the call, so the room was only occupied with you and a broken Shawn in your arms. You pushed Shawn away from your chest, cupping his face in your hands. His eyes were bloodshot, cheeks puffy and read as he breathed heavily. Tears couldn’t stop flowing from his eyes and you wiped them off with your thumb every single time. 

“Shawn… why don’t you go sit on the couch over there? I’ll talk to Andrew about the flight and we’ll get out of here as soon as we can” it wasn’t an option for Shawn he knew, so he helped himself up hands still intertwined with yours as he curled up into a couch way too small for his frame. You planted a kiss to his forehead, and watched him stare off into space as the light in his eyes slowly faded. 

Riley was shawn’s best friend. They  had been best friends ever since they could remember and you loved the boy too. He was the kindest, biggest sweetheart of all time but bad things happen to good people. Last week as Riley was driving up to Toronto to stay over at yours and Shawn’s apartment, he was met with an accident as his car had slipped on some black ice on the road.

-

“Riley has what?!” Shawn shouted over the phone as you placed your hand on his knee. Shawn shot up immediately, grabbing his keys and you followed suit behind him. he tucked his phone into his pocket, immediately grabbing your hand and pulling you along with him. 

“he’s he's been in an accident..” was all Shawn managed to say as you both stood in the lift. you slipped your arm around him, taking his car keys and driving the both of you safely to the hospital. it felt too surreal for you, the tubes, the bandages and beeping machines. but the doctor said he would be okay, which gave Shawn enough assurance that his best friend would survive and that Shawn could continue touring. 

- 

so Shawn trusted Riley and he left for tour. 

He’d been in the hospital for a week now and doctors were optimistic until this morning when Riley quietly slipped away in his slumber. No explanation, nothing. Riley just left and that has left Shawn in the state that he is right now. 

“Andrew, we’re going to need to fly out as soon as we can” you said, watching the older man, click something on his laptop. He turned the screen over, nodded as you looked at him.

“Go, go pack and get to the airport. I’ll have Jake and a few others take you guys there for better security.” You nodded, hugging him tightly before heading back to the dressing room. Shawn was still in the same spot, but he stopped crying now only a pillow hugged tightly in his arms. You picked up his stuff one by one, shoving it into his backpack before doing the same for yourself. You grabbed shawn’s hand and he followed as if he were a three year old being taken around by his mom. He slung his backpack on his back, and intertwined both your hands together. Andrew had Jake take your luggage out of the tour bus, and he was waiting out front for the both of you. the ride to the airport was silent but shawn’s hand never left yours, even on the 5 hour flight home. 

-

“Shawn oh my goodness, I’m so sorry baby I really am” Karen hugged Shawn tightly and once again started the tears from his eyes. Manny and Aaliyah took you in for a hug too, settling the both of you down in Shawn’s old room. He was in the middle of the queen sized bed, knees brought up to his chest as he buried his head into his hands.

“Why?” He croaked out, the first words Shawn had ever said since the news. You stopped unpacking his clothings and sat right at the edge of the bed. 

“Some things happen for a reason baby, this being one of them” you reached out to rub shawn’s arm and he shook his head. 

“No, why aren’t you crying? Are you not sad?” there was a hint of anger in his voice which made you frown. But you understood where he was coming from. This was one of the 5 stages of grief that you were all too familiar with - anger. And that you shouldn’t take anything Shawn says to heart. So you didn’t, and you continued to rub his arm comfortingly, hands tracing his tattooed arm. 

“I am, I am devastated Shawn but one of us has to stay strong and I’m doing that for you” you pressed your forehead against his. and that was the truth. Your whole life you’ve been grieving — your dead pet fish, your grandparents who passed on one after the other, and your brother who went to the military and died in war. You knew how this works, you knew Shawn needed that lighthouse in the dark in order for him to stay alive. That’s how it was for you every single time, the people around you kept you sane, kept you out of it from wanting to join those that had left. But Shawn didn’t understand this, he couldn’t understand how you were not crying, how you didn’t look like you were in pain. So he pushed you away. 

its the grief, its the grief you repeated to yourself multiple times, hoping that some how or rather, your mind would choose to believe it.  You placed the pyjamas at the end of the bed, and kissed Shawn on the forehead before leaving the room.

“How is he?” Aaliyah asked as you shut the door softly. You shrugged your shoulders, taking her in for a hug so tight, you felt slightly better again. 

“He’s grieving, thats all” you said, ruffling the younger girl’s hair. She nodded linking arms with you as you headed downstairs to the kitchen to make yourself a much needed coffee. Turns out, Karen and Manny has already beaten you to it, an iced coffee sitting on the counter with your name on it.

“You okay?” Manny asked, sliding over a glazed donut to you which you gladly accepted. 

“Yea I’ll be okay, I’ve been there before” you mumbled under your breath, and both Shawn’s parents and Aaliyah nodded their heads, engulfing you in a family hug. the warmth that they all needed, the slightest hint of hope that this wasn't as bad as they felt like it was. 

-

You were dressed in a black long-sleeved dress and if Riley was still here you could hear him say that it was nice and fitting, and you look amazing. You shook your head bringing yourself back to reality as you checked on Shawn in the bathroom. He had his signature black jeans on with a black button down, the one Riley “hated” to see Shawn in because it got him more looks in the club than he did. You sent Shawn a small smile in the mirror as he styled his hair and as you reached forward to touch his hand, Shawn pulled away immediately leaving you behind in the bathroom. he had been avoiding you for the past week and you knew it was the anger and feeling of hopelessness boiling in his bones so you constantly reminded yourself,

it’s part of the grieving, it’s part of the grieving.

as you arrived at the church, your breath hitched as it reminded you of all the past memories that came flooding back. You tried to push them out of your mind shaking the thoughts away as you walked beside Aaliyah and Shawn. A figure of your brother smiling at you would appear in one corner and your grandparents in the other such that it all felt too real. But you kept going. This was Riley’s last goodbye, it was you paying tribute to him, not about you and your thoughts. but the worst part about this was that you couldn’t hold shawn’s hand, or tell him about any of this because he was in pain. So you took a deep breath, and sat down in one of the pews with his family. Like all funerals, this one was solemn too, mentioning how great Riley was, how he had left an amazing legacy behind and that he was taken away too soon. You gulped when you saw another image of your brother in your mind along with all your childhood memories, and your hands trembled slightly on your thigh. Somehow Karen managed to notice this, and she had her hand in yours, gripping onto it tightly. 

When the service ended, Shawn immediate slipped out of the pew to Riley’s parents, leaving you by yourself. you felt the pang in your chest once again but you quickly ignored it, turning your attention to the Mendes family and to Riley one last time to say goodbye. You dropped a white rose into his coffin where he laid to rest, whispering a soft goodbye before leaving down the aisle with Aaliyah. Your hand was in hers as you walked, but when you saw a figure of your brother in front of you again, that was when you lost it. You stopped right in your tracks, yanking Aaliyah slightly. She turned, seeing your face as tears streamed down your cheeks. You knew it was all a hallucination, that whatever you had seen in the hours before was not real but the sight of your brother in his signature jeans and tight fitted white shirt had you breaking down. The thought of losing the people around you - Shawn in particular just came to you like a tsunami. your hand clutched your chest as you let out racked sobs, and soon enough Karen had wrapped her arms right around you. 

“It’s okay baby girl, you’re safe here with me, I’ve got you” Karen whispered softly into your ears. 

“I- I see him- brother… my brother I miss him. I dont want to lose Shawn- I’m sorry” you managed to choke out, and Karen just rubbed circles on your back. 

“Shhh, its okay you’re not losing him honey, I have you baby girl”

Shawn, who was still oblivious to it all, had been dragged by Aaliyah to you. “Liyah, please stop dragging- mom? Y/n?” He stood there in shock, taking in your puffy lips and tear stained cheeks. You shook your head, unable to face the man who was supposed to be there for you, just like you had been for him for the past week. You let your legs carry you as far way from him as possible, black heels hitting the ground under you as you went round the church over looking the city. You let out another sob, calling out for your pet fish, your grandparents, then your brother and then Shawn. 

“I’m here, I’m here” a strong pair of arms wrapped around your waist. You leaned back, still crying out and apologising every few seconds. shawn let you apologise, but still shushed you every few seconds when your voice got louder and more broken. Shawn spun you around so your chest was pressed against his his hot breath on your forehead. You leaned your body on to him, too exhausted by everything. 

“Why didn’t you tell me anything?” He asked, hands smoothening out your messy hair. 

“I told you, one of us has to be strong for the other…” you let out a small smile, brushing your fingers on shawn’s cheeks. He clearly had been crying too, the tear stains and bloodshot eyes evident on his face. “And having gone through this many times before, I’m used to being the strong one. Its just that this time I saw you in pain and yet you kept pushing me away so I couldn’t do anything. That, that hurt and it reminded me so much of myself and my ex when my brother left. I thought you were going to leave me to. And my brother, I saw my brother today…” you continued, keeping your head down. Shawn tilted it right back up so you looked him in the eyes, his hazel brown orbs looking right into yours. 

“I’m sorry babe, I promise never to push you away again” he engulfed you in his signature bear hugs, squeezing you so tightly in his arms. “I promise I’ll be there when you need me, I promise I won’t ever leave you, y/n.”

[monoguk]

laggard . last

One would have thought five years could change a person, but Jeon Jungkook was still completely hung over you.

FEATURING - jeon jungkook CATEGORY - drama . implied WORD COUNT - 9000+

PARTS - first . second . last

People would have thought that five years was enough to change a person.

However, Jeon Jungkook never changed.

Who was once loved, admired, gossiped, by many people, became the person whom people are most tired of.

In time, the public somehow knew about his scandalous affairs and women flocked away in fear that their identity will be associated with one of his whores. Those who are fearless, however, continued to shower themselves with the amazing pleasure this man had never failed to give.

But, as days pass by, Jungkook knew he was getting old; he knew what he was doing was childish, and knew how regret ate at him every day for the past five years.

When he gets time for himself, away from his desperate fucks and from his stressful mixer table, he finds himself staring longingly at fresh couples with a little child in between them. And, as he averts his gaze nonchalantly, he couldn’t help but wonder where he would be right now if he had only told the truth.

Stay with me.

With these thoughts invading his brain, completely engulfing him with pain and wishful thinking, he opts to scroll through his phone and dials the first random number he sees and says, “Studio. Now.”

However, Jungkook did not care whoever came to his studio, just as long as they were willing to offer their bodies for his pleasure as a distraction from all his heart breaking thoughts. He’d fuck them senselessly, quickly, ruthlessly; never languidly, slowly, laggardly. He’d kick them out immediately, instantaneously; never letting them stay over for the night no matter how late they’ve finished with their sinful deeds.

Jungkook didn’t want them to soil the only memories of you in his mind; the memories he’d treasure painfully for the rest of his life.

When he gets his fill and is finally left alone, he plops down on his messy sheets, stares up at the ceiling, and asks himself, why did you let her go away?

He had been young, naive, adventurous, five years ago; or so he thought.

Someone as young as he would not have random thoughts of imagining you waltzing towards him in your pretty white gown looking as beautiful as ever while he waits for you by what he assumes to be the church altar, or of you dazzling him with you soft smile the moment he wakes up from beautiful dreams of you, or of you gazing up at him lustfully while he relishes in watching him enter you slowly, inch-by-inch; watch how his love fills you up until you scream his name and whisper back, i love you too.

Jungkook should have told you he loves you; this had been in his mind the moment you rushed out of his apartment, the disappointment visible in your emotionless eyes. He had been disappointed in himself as well, the moment you began to distance yourself from him even before he said those hurtful words.

He never meant any of it, and in his dreams he wishes that he could come back and stop himself from spouting lies. He had been childish that time, scared of commitment like any bachelor who fucked around with needy sluts felt.

Jungkook wasn’t aware of what love felt like - not because of a traumatic love story from his past, but because he started out giving love in an adulterated way - and the closest feeling was he began to pound into you slowly, every visit of yours making his thrusts go slower.

He liked tiring you out, most of all, giving you no choice but to faint from exhaustion into his strong hold and then he would carry you softly into his bed. He loved watching you take a nap, loved changing your clothes with his shirts that was big enough on you to qualify as a dress.

Jungkook never knew love, but he knows he felt it with you. Suddenly, the loving words in his lyrics had a depth, an emotion that can only be described by images and fantasies of you.

But he shakes himself out of these thoughts, telling himself he just loved your body that fit snuggly into his. And then, he would convince his lack of feelings for you by fucking somebody else and intentionally making you hear it. Stay away from me. What are you doing to me?

He was in a rut, going crazy with denying his thoughts. Until one night, he realizes that he does love you, somehow, but all he could do to relay his feelings to you was through what he does best at; being a sex beast in bed.

So, Jungkook makes love to you as much as he could. He made love to you that one night before things took a turn for the worse for him. He wanted to groan into your ear, begging that you notice his love for you, but all that came out were dirty words that went along the lines your pussy is so delicious, so good, so perfect, i could go on all day abusing it, fuck.

Then you were gone, for a week, and he’s never been more deprived even though he had whores clenching on his dick every night as a pathetic-excuse-of-a-substitute substitute of you.

It had been mere fate that he decided to attend some small evening gathering when he saw you again, and he would have run over to you and show you how much he missed you through a rough and sloppy kiss if it weren’t for the man beside you whom you were staring fondly up on.

The next thing Jungkook knows, after his anger blinded him to pulling you with him, is that everything goes crumbling down when he nonchalantly watches you walk through his door one last time.

Five years later, here he is, gripping some girl’s hips as he lifted her off him while their mixed juices dripped down from her cunt. They were both panting, tired of the activity they just went through.

“Get out.”

The girl would pout at him, but his glare overpowered her begging. So, she leaves - half-dressed - with a stomp to her steps. But, Jungkook would let her be; he didn’t care.

Just as he was the person people got tired of so easily, he was just as tired of himself.

One would have thought five years could change a person, but Jeon Jungkook was still completely hung over you.

Maybe it was mere coincidence that he decided to answer to an invitation from a well-known music producer’s birthday party, but he tells himself to believe that this event was given to him by fate.

The moment he got up and checked through his email, he saw the invitation mail in his inbox, explaining that the invitation was purposely given out last minute. It was a formal dinner party, in the fanciest part of town, and Jungkook knew parties like this required a plus one from each guest.

He contemplated attending it, and he was this close to declining it until he finds himself picking up his phone and looking for a decent date. However, since he had little to no friends, he opted to scroll up at his phone list and called whoever his thumb hovers over, hoping that he just didn’t recently fuck this person.

He cringes at the saccharine tone the other line whispers at his ear, but he bears with it and coldly invites her - whoever she was - to the party. “Be ready by 8. I’ll be at my studio.”

Come nine in the evening, Jungkook was already annoyed at how his date clutched tightly at him. He was suffocated by his fit cuffs, tight bowtie, and heavy tuxedo coat.

Jungkook wonders why he even bothered coming by, when he never once considered going to parties such as this one. Heck, he never even went to celebratory parties when a song track of his receives a win through the efforts of a known boy band idol.

“Oppa,” he loathes the word, “Thank you for inviting me over!”

Jungkook can practically feel the girl beside him was acting cute, but he ignores her by focusing on snatching a glass of champagne from the moving male servers.

Throughout the night, he thankfully finds himself chatting neutrally with his fellow music producers and singer-songwriters, and he thinks he might be able to survive the night if he kept distracting himself from his annoying plus one - why did I even sleep with her in the first place?.

“Oppa,” Jungkook had just finished chatting with a rapper-music producer named Suga, when his date speaks up again. He diverts his anger through an eye-roll and a silent promise that he would teach her a lesson of not calling him oppa again - perhaps have her choking on my dick later tonight? - before he looks down at her only to see her pointing at someone in the distance. “It’s Rap Monster! Oh My God!!!”

Jungkook wanted to scowl at her, tell her to quiet down and that her behavior isn’t welcome in a formal event like this, until he closes his mouth in surprise because he sees you. He shuts up, blinking his eyes to check if he was just seeing things or not.

However, he finally sees you - in the flesh - in a wonderful red straight gown, looking absolutely beautiful you looked almost unreal. Suddenly, Jungkook was perfectly sure that it was you, so much more beautiful than when he last saw you five years ago.

“Let’s go meet him! Please?” Jungkook was pulled over without his consent, but he never did mind when he finds himself pulled towards you. It was when he regains his senses a few meters away from you did he wonder how you got invited into an exclusive party for music enthusiasts all over the country. It was until he sees Rap Monster beside you, who was holding onto your waist and pulling you closer to him, did then everything made sense to him.

He wanted to go back, retreat to his studio, scream all he wanted with the painful thoughts of you, but he had been too late when his date cheerfully gushes right in front Rap Monster and then you look up - softly - until your smile falters when you met his gaze. Jungkook swears that his breath got stuck somewhere along the length of his throat, as he stares unwaveringly back at you, just like every time he recalled his heart wavering at the mere sight of you.

Jungkook couldn’t help but check you out, from your high heels, to your long legs accentuated by the teasing open slit of your dress, to your perfectly fitting dress across your waist and your bosom, to your hand that laid atop Rap Monster’s hand around your waist, to the faint marks of lilac on your exposed neck, to your surprised and flustered face.

“Oh, please, just call me Namjoon.”

“You’re too kind, Namjoon-ssi.”

Jungkook somehow remembers you flirtingly say that before he had pulled you away that night five years ago. With this recollection, Jungkook is pulled away from his dreamy stare and faces the prodigal music producer with a lost expression. “My, my, it is such an honor to be of your acquaintance tonight, Mr. Jeon.”

For a moment, Jungkook wonders if you ever told Namjoon of your history, but he sees no malice in the other producer’s eyes, so he composes himself and answers calmly, “I should be saying that to you, Namjoon-ssi. I have always admired your work. Mine could never be as good as yours.”

Somehow, Jungkook managed to make small talk with Namjoon, despite being aware of your presence just an arm’s length away from him. He willed himself to act calmly - though it was hard to when he was frustrated with his clingy date acting like and boasting about how she meant something to him - and he was proud that he never once gave into his thoughts of fleeing away from your presence.

It was when Namjoon and you avert your attention to Jungkook’s date did the latter man finally avert his gaze to your figure for he had been trying to not check you out - not in front of your boyfriend of four years, music extraordinaire Rap Monster.

He then takes note of how much you’ve changed and how much of you stayed the same.

Jungkook takes note of your make up for tonight - a stark contrast to your daily make up he was once used to - of moderately thick eyebrow shading, of dark smokey eyeshadow, of a perfect eyeliner wing on both eyes, of emphasized long eyelashes, of a faint and natural blush, of lips accentuated by an enticing shade of red velvet. You had been perfect before, and now he wonders how you could be even more perfect than you are now.

He continues staring at you for the rest of the night, gliding right back into the conversation with impeccable timing just right before Namjoon turns his head to acknowledge him, eyes softest than it’s ever been. If anybody who knew Jungkook saw him this defenseless, one would have immediately pointed out that you were the one who thawed a monster’s heart.

But the night cannot stay young, and a moment cannot last forever, and soon enough dinner had to be served and small chit-chat had to end.

Jungkook did not know whether he wanted to stay or leave the table, especially when you started to catch him in the act of staring at you, but before he could voice out his desire to bail away, Namjoon beats him to it and says, “Why don’t you two join us in this table? It’s awfully lonely eating with just the two of us.”

“Oh, are you tired of being alone with me now?” Jungkook glances at you, hearing your tinkle of a voice emit an adorable joke; a joke he wished was directed to him instead. Then he’d say -

“Of you? Never.” Namjoon voices out whatever Jungkook had in mind.

Before he could protest, his date beats him to it and says the opposite of what he wants to say, “We’d love too, won’t we, oppa?”

“Great!” Jungkook didn’t have a say in this when Namjoon gestures the other and his date to sit across him and you. Although Jungkook tells himself he should really decline, he couldn’t deny anymore that he still somehow wants to bask in your presence just before the night ends.

Small chattering continued, even as a waiter served the appetizers and changed it to a delicious main course. Halfway through the meal - Jungkook wasn’t eating much anyways, he was busy observing you - the main celebrant speaks through the big stage, asking every female to step up front for a special present from him.

Jungkook carefully watches you flusteredly stand up and even notices you whispering to Namjoon - I don’t think a non-artist should go there - but your boyfriend reassures you that nonsense, he just called out every female in the room, go get ‘em beautiful.

Just as you shuffle awkwardly, somehow your eyes lock with Jungkook’s watchful gaze. You notice that he didn’t even spare a small smile at his date who was enthusiastic about joining about in the front although she wasn’t in the entertainment industry like you were. You briefly watch as his eyes widen when he realizes that you were staring back at him. You would have seen the familiar small smile thrown your way if it weren’t for the feel of his date pulling you away. Faintly, you feel Namjoon playfully pat your ass as you stumble by and with this you were brought back to the reality that you were indeed with a relationship who was not Jeon Jungkook.

Even after all this time, Jungkook never changed. You thought.

Meanwhile, as you disappear into the crowd of gathering women in extravagant dresses, Jungkook subtly tried to follow your figure until a voice stirs him from his intentions. “Isn’t she lovely?”

Yes. She is. So beautiful. Jungkook would have said it, but being exposed to the prying eyes of the media for a handful of years now, he knew how to filter the words he omits, so he settles with, “Pardon?”

When Jungkook turns to address the person he was speaking too, he almost finds himself in the other man, because he was gazing longingly at the point where you disappeared too. Jungkook finds himself losing what’s left of the chances he gathered up for the past years, recognizing that his opponent held a tough game over winning your heart. He already blew his chances years ago; how was he going to survive this battle?

“I’m planning on marrying her, soon.” The answer came sooner, but Jungkook never expected the impact to be so forceful. “I hope you find someone who’ll make you feel like I am feeling now, someday.”

Jungkook goes ahead and plays with the leftover food on his plate, not knowing how to respond to such a heavy announcement. Instead, Namjoon continues, “We won’t be young forever, Jungkook. Your escapades are still pretty much a hot topic among the music producers. Have you never thought of settling down?”

“I have,” Jungkook never expected to answer, but now that he opened his mouth, might as well explain further, “That crossed my mind once.”

“What happened?” Namjoon asked with a hearty chuckle.

“She left.” I let her go.

“You don’t deserve her then; It must not be difficult for you to find a new girl, judging by your new reputation, but along the way you might finally find the one.”

Jungkook hears the jeers of women by the stage, their heels clacking signalling him that the women were dispersing and going back to their tables. “How sure are you that I haven’t found her yet?”

“Please,” Namjoon leaned back to let the waiter take his plate and change it with a small dessert dish, “I can clearly see you don’t like your date.”

I wasn’t talking about her. “Good eye, Namjoon-ssi.”

He was glad Namjoon never mentioned about proposing to you again; he didn’t know if he could handle it, painfully telling himself he could have been the ecstatic one who will be asking your hand in marriage.

Jungkook had been wondering what driving force lead him to actually attend parties like this, thinking he should have tried harder in convincing himself to stay in his apartelle. For, if he never attended this party, he wouldn’t have been this disheartened, crumbling at the mere sight of you looking so radiant and blissful with your new life, new man. He was telling himself that he was doing fine without you. What utter bullshit.

From the distance he hears a familiar obnoxious voice, one that had been ratting off in his ear the moment he opened the door for her that evening. And, as he turns his attention to where the sound came from, he somehow meets your eyes again and all his melancholic emotions comes rushing towards him, drowning him in regret and misery.

The intensity and Jungkook’s void gaze freezes you on the spot and brings you back to the time he said his last words to you. The longer you stared, the more visible his anguish becomes, the more you remember that you once had feelings for this man.

To say you were surprised to see Jungkook five years after your conflict with him was an understatement, you would have been frozen in your place if it weren’t for the reassuring hold Namjoon had around your waist.

No matter how much you tried to avoid his obvious gaze, once in a while you sneak a glance at him; noting how he still stood with pride and elegance and authority, but with a new aura of maturity surrounding his persona. You noticed the way he still couldn’t bear being in a relationship with someone, treating his obnoxious date with a snobbish attitude. Then, you also observed the way he couldn’t take his eyes off of you, and to this you subtly scoot closer to Namjoon to assure yourself that the tingling in your stomach and the flush on your cheeks were nothing but a reminiscence of your romantic endeavors with Jungkook; not because you still felt lingering feelings for him. What’s past was past; he lost his chance when he had it.

Before dessert, you understood why Jungkook is showing his hate for his date; she was too lively, too snotty, too assuming, too prideful. You knew every other person in the grand dinner hall was like that, having been bathing in their piles of gold chains and platinum records, but she was something else. She does, however, seem friendly - too friendly - and maybe that was her only trait that you admired.

Growing up is stressful, and seeing something so carefree was a sight for sore eyes. Though age may just be a number, the experience along the way is no joke. Who was once rebellious and impulsive, becomes a person who becomes laid back; more episodes of spacing out and thinking about what would happen to the rest of their life with the tons of decision they have to make, more reminders that nothing will be the same as before, no matter how one’s life is like an endless cycle of constant routine.

Overcoming that stage in your life, you were thankful you had Namjoon by your side. Unlike Jungkook, Namjoon produces wise words; analogous statements that actually means something useful for your everyday life. Sometimes you wonder if your relationship would be this calm if Jungkook spoke up that day five years ago, but it was hard to compare events when you’ve never seen how Jungkook could be as someone in a serious relationship. Even after all these years, with him showing up with a girl who was dressed more skimpily than the other females who already wore elegant-skimpy gowns, you thought that Jeon Jungkook would never change.

You assured yourself that throughout the evening, Jungkook - still being the horny fuck acquaintance you were once associated with - was just checking out your body now that you’ve worked hard to tone down your body even more. Namjoon would always call you beautiful, tangled in between sheets, before passionate deeds, during pillow talk, and such compliments inflates your heart and your feelings for him, dragging your residual feelings for Jungkook in a small box of precious and temporary emotions.

But, coming back from the front stage, and finally holding his gaze for longer than half a minute, you could not prevent that little box from opening. For in Jungkook’s eyes, you saw him begging for you to notice him, forgive him, take him b-

“Oh my gosh, Miss, I am so sorry.”

Maybe it was a good thing that you had been frozen in your spot with a surprised expression on your face, making your emotions natural as champagne runs down your gown, your face, your skin. Seeing as the liquid drips down from your upper lashes, you gaze away from Jungkook’s shocked expression and close your eyes.

“Hey, babe, you alright?” When you open them, Namjoon was already in front of you looking conflicted, shocked and worried.

“Miss, I - Please forgive me, I-”

You can sense the sudden panic in the atmosphere, but you shrugged it off and reacted with a small smile. “It’s okay, I’m fine. Please, it’s just champagne.”

Jungkook remained on his seat as people fussed around you. The few people away from you merely glanced at you before continuing with their meal.

He glanced beside him, seeing his date type furiously at her phone and he catches sight of a phrase that said something like ‘omg Rap Mon’s gf got herself drenched in wine!!!’, but Jungkook couldn’t be furious now, for all he could think about was how he was too late again.

Was Namjoon going to keep on stealing you away from him again and again? Why does he always cause misfortune in your life? Would he ever be able to amend things with you again, even though he had been years too late?

It was suffocating, seeing these people crowd around you, “Please, let us compensate our mistake with a change of wardrobe -”, and all the more when Jungkook fears the answers to his questions.

“Oppa?” when he was looking down at his date beside him, he realizes he was standing up, but he wasn’t going to stop now.

“Is everything alright, Jungkook?” Namjoon sits down again in his previous position, Jungkook sees you being escorted to a hallway with a white towel drapped over your shoulder. “You’re not giving up on dessert, are you?”

Jungkook forces a small smile and says, “I’m going out for a smoke, you want one Namjoon-ssi?”

Namjoon declines - to Jungkook’s relief - explaining that you didn’t like him smoking, before Jungkook leaves the table and heads for the open balcony.

Or so they thought. A few tables away, he looks back only to see Namjoon and his date indulging themselves in the heavenly dessert served for tonight.

Dessert, for Jungkook, had always been a sugarcoated way of saying ‘okay, bitches, time to go back to where ya’ll came from. Get the hell away from me’. The night was coming to a close, and his melancholic emotions gave him this conviction that he would not let this night end without him speaking to you.

So, he swiftly glides along the tables, keeping a keen eye on Namjoon’s table, until he reaches the doorway of the hallway you went in. He trudged in confidently, for caution would cause suspicion and he wouldn’t want that. Fortunately, the hallway lead to the gentlemen’s and ladies’ restrooms while a few doors decorated the rest of the corridor which he assumed to be empty rooms.

Casually striding along the carpeted hall, Jungkook noticed a waiter open a door far ahead. He watches as the man furiously bowed his head towards the person inside the room, with his empty try clutched tightly across his chest. When the waiter bowed one last time before closing the door, Jungkook diverts his eyes as though he was searching for the men’s bathroom. So, as the waiter passed, Jungkook strode towards the door that was recently closed.

He didn’t mean to, but somehow he caught you putting on the white fluffy robe with your back facing the door. When you hear the creaking of the door, you hurriedly shrugged the robe on and tied it tightly against your body, but Jungkook still saw a peek of the skin of your back.

You turned around, intent on telling the waiter that he didn’t need to apologize, again. But, to your surprise, you see Jungkook standing by the door with an unexplainable expression on.

For a moment, all you two did was stare at each other. It wasn’t until you were feeling uncomfortable knowing that only a flimsy robe was covering your naked body, that you cleared your throat, sat on the chair inside the room, and turned around to face away from Jungkook.

“What do you-”

“I’m sorry.”

It had shut you up, hearing something so selfless from Jungkook for the first time again since five years ago.

 “Baby, are you alright? Am I going too much?”

 “Do you like it? Tell me if you’re uncomfortable.”

 “Don’t forget your safe word, kitten.”

Instead of showing your surprise, you kept quiet and slumped further into your seat. You hear a ruffling of clothes from your side, followed by a soft thump on the carpeted floor. When you swiftly take a peek from the corner of your eyes, you see that Jungkook had sat himself down on the floor with his head and back leaning against the closed door, eyes looking up and lips pursed.

“What do you mean?” you didn’t mean to ask, but the words somehow slipped from your mouth and you had no means of retrieving them.

With his head still leaning against the door, Jungkook diverts his gaze towards you and he takes note of the subtle way you played with your fingers as you absently stared at something on the floor. He rests his arms straight on top of his knees that kept his legs folded up. He heaves a long sigh before bowing down, but keeping his gaze on you, and say, “It’s long overdue, but i’m sorry for being a jerk to you ever since we met each other. I’m sorry for having used you for my carnal pleasure, asking so much and demanding a lot from you when I don’t even deserve your attention.”

You weren’t sorry, for meeting Jungkook, for getting to know him through mindless sex. But, he was a jerk, and his apology relaxes the stiffness in your posture.

“I want to say sorry for the words I said to you five years ago. For judging you when you merely were just trying to find a suitable partner. I’m…”

You hear him let out a humorless chuckle before he speaks up again, “I’m sorry for being selfish when I have no right to be so.”

What did selfishness mean anyway? You have always wondered. Would one be selfish for always desiring what they want for themselves or when they desire what they want for others?

You cast your gaze at your lap, staring at the way you crossed your leg over the other, pondering over what else could Jungkook mean. He had to be saying something else; he wouldn’t apologize for … not now -

“I’m sorry for lying to you all these years.”

 “Joonie, I love you.”

“You see…”

You wanted to shut Jungkook up because you didn’t want to hear those words; not after all the years you spent forgetting of a weak love - of a love built upon physical pleasures and euphoric orgasms. But, you couldn’t utter a single word, frozen by your inner desire to hear what Jungkook had to say, to feel the texture of satisfaction just at the tip of your fingers.

So, he continues, “I hadn’t been completely honest with you. The words I have said, all those years ago, are utter bullshit. Because, you know what?”

“What?” you tiredly sigh, because you knew why. You just couldn’t understand Jungkook’s motive, what he wanted to get from this - a reaction from you towards a long overdue confession?

“I didn’t want you to go. I wanted you to be mine; just you sharing yourself with only me. I’ve been kicking myself in the ass over and over again for not telling you truthfully that I love you and that I will change, for you.”

Jungkook had his head bowed down by then, pursing his lips as if to distract the aching in his insides - in his heart -, but he regains his composure and looks up to you, wanting things to be as sincere as possible, because, after all he’s done to you, he knows that you deserve all the sincerity and purity in the world. If now was not the perfect time to say this, he didn’t know when will it be. So, he says, “I guess all I’m trying to say is, I’ve always loved you and having you close to me before was the only way I could convey what I feel for you.”

You closed your eyes, eyebrows furrowing and teeth biting down at your lower lip, because this was what you were dreading and anticipating to hear. If only you could say it back freely; if it were only five years ago. “Jungkook, see here-”

“You don’t have anything to say,” he harbors a humorless chuckle again. How could have hoped that you felt the same way? The distress in your expression after his confession was the last straw; a clear message to his anticipating statement. What else could he have done except stand up and turn away? He had to get away, before he crumbles down in front of you again. At least he got to have this genuine brief moment with you for the last time. He just hopes he could go on with his life better than when you first left him all those years ago.

Maybe it was time, as Namjoon had said, for him to start finding someone to settle down with, even though she wouldn’t be you. With a final glance at you, face looking so torn and tired all of a sudden and apologetic, he lets the corner of his lip quirk up momentarily while he shoves his hands in his trouser pockets after he had opened the door and says, “I hope you’ll be happy with Namjoon. You deserve all the happiness in the world.”

You could not understand what Jungkook meant, and you had no time to confirm what he was talking about, for the man in question had bolted out of the room as soon as he dejectedly says it. And, you weren’t about to chase him into the party hall in only just a big robe covering your body, you’ve handled enough embarrassment for tonight.

So, while you wait for a spare dress to slip into, you indulge in your thoughts as you mindlessly stare at your hands in your lap and wonder what Jungkook’s melancholic gaze meant, why his confession still had this impact on you, what his parting words meant.

But you get the answer later into the night.

You didn’t get to see Jungkook and his date on the table when you came back. You see that he barely touched his dessert while his date’s plate was rid of the delicious slice of carefully-made moist chocolate. Namjoon says that Jungkook leaves on a whim after he returned from his “smoking session”. Your boyfriend adds that Jungkook wordlessly left his date after he bid his farewell and that he never took on the invitation for a smoke because he knew you hated him doing that.

You didn’t know how you got away with being dazed the rest of the evening of the party even until you’ve reached the fancy loft living unit Namjoon shares with you. You had been preoccupied with discerning the statements Jungkook had said to you, only bringing up more confusion than enlightenment. It was only until Namjoon had randomly asked for your attention while you trudged towards the velvet couch by the living room did you finally take note of his jittery posture and his fist constantly fiddling something in his pocket.

You were a smart person, and putting two and two together, you knew what was happening, and it scared you more than you were expecting.

“What is it, Joon?” you were begging internally, but you had to keep a calm facade, the only thoughts running into your mind in that moment was: “Kim Namjoon is going to propose to me.”

Jungkook was having the worst days since the party.

Having met all those other well-known artists and songwriters, his email box suddenly got spammed with requests of him composing a beat for them.

The thing about Jungkook is that he rarely backs down on the challenge, and seeing the tons of request for his skill encourages himself to accept these tasks. He only forgot that every time he agrees on something out of impulse, and negative impact would come along the way. In this instance, his lack of sleep was the misfortune that came his way.

That is why Jungkook finds himself trudging out of his apartment unit, clad in black jogger sweatpants and a black hoodie sweater with some random sneakers he put on randomly, not caring if his hair was completely disheveled or that he didn’t bother putting on some protecting cream on his face or the fact that he had not taken a bath since two days ago, the only thing on his mind was immediately getting his hands on his much needed dose of strong caffeine shots.

He had a deadline in a few hours, and there were only minimal revision needed before he sends his entry, but his eyes were starting to droop, abruptly signalling him that his body really needs to rest.

But who would be Jeon Jungkook if he gave up? He knew what would get from giving up, and he uses this knowledge to push himself to work harder for his goals, to not remind himself of the wonderful things he lost because of him not pursuing what he wants in life.

Upon stepping out into the busy streets, he squints at the sudden change of scenery, one that does not involve stressful afternoons in his music studio or the tantalizing mornings of melancholic thoughts or the hot nights of fading and blurred images of naked skin and creamy substances.

Jungkook looks up into the sky, taking note of the bright blue blanket that colors the atmosphere and guessing that it must be a little late in the morning to have coffee. Still, he continues to journey towards his trusted coffee shop, feet taking him there by muscle memory while his thoughts are almost as high above as the cloud in the sky.

While his eyes follow the subtle movement of an oddly shaped cloud, he silently prays that his clients like his creations, and hopes that they wouldn’t recognize the constant in every mix that is sadness expressed in carefully positioned melodies and harmonies. Because, for the past few weeks, all he could think of was you being happy with a man that was not him and what better way to move on than a catharsis expressed through raw and wordless songs?

When he enters, Jungkook ignores that robotic greeting of the employee in charge and pass by the tables occupied by busy customers. He orders his usual drink, asking for an extra shot of strong coffee and offering to pay extra for it.

It was only when he was asked to wait at a table while the employee prepares his order, did Jungkook was suddenly hit by a feeling of uneasiness, almost as if he missed some important observation.

With this, he examines himself, but he is reassured that he had his essential wallet and handphone with him. Moving on from this, he meticulously scans the area, on the look-out for danger or anything suspicious.

Jungkook was certain he scanned the coffee shop already, mostly seeing familiar faces - the regulars - and some new customers. Having scanned all the tables, his attention went back to himself as he bites at his fingernails to distract his uneasiness. He never lets go of what he had scanned just seconds prior and that was when it hit him: that orange beanie, a ridiculous color but something that said a lot about that person’s true personality.

With his heart pounding at his chest, he swivels his head back carefully at the table where he recalls he saw this familiar orange beanie and then he sees you again for the first time since a week ago.

In pale contrast with your attire the last time he saw you, you were clad in mundane clothes consisting of a plain black sweater and a pair of light denim skin-tight jeans. Because of your plain clothes, the orange beanie stood out because the color was out of place from your outfit palette as well as because Jungkook faintly recalled you coming over to his studio with the headwear on.

He raised an eyebrow at you while his calloused hands skimmed at the sweep of your exposed legs from your denim shorts as you sat down on his lap.

You were slightly buzzed, having gone straight from a drinking party with your old classmates, but you immediately hailed a cab towards Jungkook’s apartment anyways when he sent you a text. Nonetheless, your hazy mind still somehow recognized the slight amusement in Jungkook’s face.

Frankly, you didn’t notice the beanie on your head until Jungkook points it out. It wasn’t until you were a panting mess above his lap while he sucked on the most sensitive spots on your neck that you remembered how a male colleague of yours chased you out of the drinking place only to put his beanie on your head and reminded you to stay safe.

Regardless, Jungkook snatches away the beanie from your head and fucks you from behind into oblivion on his mixer table with your naked body pressing all over the buttons in the most pleasurable ways.

You were looking out of the window, head atop your palm that was propped up on the table by your elbow. You other hand skims your fingers along the handle of the porcelain glass of coffee you ordered a few hours ago. Your drink must have been cold by that time, but you were too preoccupied with your empty thoughts, relieving the stress you received from work by mindlessly judging the people who walked by out on the sidewalk from the window beside you.

Sometimes, when a business person does walk by, your mind eventually remembers what other things you had to finish for work. But you told yourself it was time to relax, so you avert your gaze to somewhere else. There were times when you’d stare at young adolescents, cringing at the times when you were once at their age who did and said reckless and immature things. Then you’d remember your teenage years, those times of distress and trying to figure out your identity and what you wanted to do in life; in the end, you decided you just wanted to survive the rest of your life and abandoned your passion for writing for a more practical profession. Come your amateur working years, your remember your frustrations at how you could not get things right immediately and at how you actually handled your stress by -

“Jungkook? Jeon Jungkook?”

You snapped away from your thoughts; eyes that once followed a stray dog that passed by widening in surprise. Your head slightly perked up as your furrowed your eyebrows because there was no way -

“Hey,”

How come you did not hear the chair from your scrape on the floor? How come Jungkook was approaching you? How come your heart was acting the same way it did five years ago?

Jungkook laid his to-go cup of coffee on the table, leaning back on the chair and naturally spreading his legs wide while he stares at you with an unbelieving gaze. You had to be mirroring his expression because you never expected to run into Jungkook again after your encounter. Judging by the the pursing of his lips, he never intended to meet you unexpectedly as well. Yet, he was here, sitting across you and eyes darting nervously.

To be frank, Jungkook didn’t know why he approached you. Maybe it was seeing you jump slightly in your seat when his name was called or maybe it was seeing you turn your head slightly to look for him. Or maybe it was just his fickle heart clawing at his insides to see you one last time. But, now that he had your attention and that he was seated in front of you, he did not know what to say or do.

He watches uncomfortably as you take a sip from your drink, so he mirrors your action right after he punctures the straw on his cup of strong Iced Americano. You keep your gaze away from him, but he was intent on observing you as much as he knew what he was doing was freaking you out.

He notices the subtle amount of makeup on your face, something he had always liked on you besides your bare-faced appearance. He loves the minimal amount of mascara on your eyelashes that accentuated the cute length. He admires the half-done eyeliner on your eyelids and the tiny wings that stretched out until the end of your double-eyelids. He smiles at the faint blush on your cheeks, saturated even more by the warm convection of steam from your mug. He blushes at the orange stains of your lips stick left on the rim of your mug when you’ve done sipping. He stares at your fiddling hands when you mug has been settled atop the table. His heart falters at the sight of a ring on your finger.

Jungkook takes one last sip on his coffee, composing himself before he speaks out of impulse. “I see you’ve accepted Namjoon’s proposal.”

You were quiet, but you see from under your lashes that Jungkook was avoiding your gaze now while he scratched at his nape. In response, you simply made a noise at the back of your throat and returned you gaze out of the window although your senses were aware of what Jungkook was doing from across the table.

When Jungkook looks back at your figure, he smiles bitterly at how your fingers were caressing the metal material of the ringer wrapped around one of your fingers. If only he had been honest five years ago, maybe he would be staring fondly at you instead of trying to keep his heart from breaking then and there. He would have to wait until he could pour out his agony in his music studio. Until then, he might have to act like a masochist and ingrain in his mind his last memory of you.

“I have to go,” Jungkook announces abruptly, calmly standing up from his chair and taking hold of his coffee cup. “Still have a lot of songs to produce.”

You simply look up at him, afraid of at least humming at his statements, afraid of him hearing the softness in your voice.

He send you one last heartbroken smile before he’s off on his own way back home, exiting the coffee shop with his back slumped and his head dejectedly bowing as he sips on his cold coffee.

You waited an hour or so, mind no longer able to be emptied from thought not since Jungkook evaded them just a few minutes ago. With a half-consumed cup, you took your leave as well, walking the opposite way Jungkook went to, back to where you knew you belonged to.

While you were walking, Namjoon’s friends continuously texted you, asking you to hang out with them out of the blue. This time of the month was for mixtape releases and idol comebacks; how come these music producers had time to hang out with you when their schedules were this hectic?

Namjoon was no different from them; he had been working in his studio since this morning. He was the type to be completely focused on his work, getting mad at any kind of interruption even if it came from you. So, you never bothered checking out on him when you woke up with the other side of the bed empty from his warm presence.

Passing by a grocery store, you were contemplating on cooking a meal for dinner and lunch that day, until your boyfriend messaged you. To say that you were surprised was an understatement; when had Namjoon taken a rest from his composing work?

kim namjoon sent you a message

babe. i called for chinese takeout. r u coming home yet?

You replied that you were a few blocks away and never received a reply after that.

For some reason, you were feeling uneasy. Maybe it was the weird texts from Namjoon’s co-producers.

min yoongi sent you a message

heyy you are you near your apartment yet? Namjoon was worried about you

But your boyfriend just texted you seconds ago.

jung hoseok sent you a message

I have pizza rn, wanna eat?

But you knew they never shared their pizzas with anyone.

kim taehyung sent you a message

wait wait. whatever you do, don’t go in your apartment

But you were already inserting your key in the door.

You hear the fumbling from the inside, and at that you raised a brow because Namjoon was too busy with his music to actually tend to the house.

So, as you worriedly took off your shoes, you were surprised to see Namjoon rush to you, hair disheveled and eyes wide and frantic.

“H-hey, babe! Didn’t know you’d be back so soon!”

“I just texted you that I was near. What’s up with you?”

“Uh, I was frustrated with this, uhm, beat I couldn’t get well…”

He follows you around when you trudged towards the sofa set in front of the television. You eye him as he was still standing by the side, completely blocking your view of the kitchen. “So, where’s the takeout?”

“He, uh, he dropped it off just a few minutes ago. Why don’t we - babe!”

Namjoon never got to finish his explanation when you rushed around him and towards the kitchen. But, he should have known better; he was bad at acting and you were good at noticing that something was odd.

When you reached the doorway to the kitchen, you catch sight of your best glassware on the kitchen island and a fancy frozen dessert in the middle while the takeout containers for your Chinese food was on either side of the counter. There were small candles that surrounded the table as well as around the overloaded sink. There was a faint smell of burning food and you soon traced it to an unrecognized dish thrown inside the garbage bag beside the stove.

“Namjoon… what is this?”

Today was not your anniversary, nor was it anything special. Namjoon couldn’t have gotten a music offer because it was just the start of comeback preparation season. You could not recall any instance where you were this close to being promoted to your work. So, what was all this fancy celebration all about?

Namjoon sighed, slumping over you as he hugged you from behind. He nuzzles his nose at the crook of your neck, his hair slightly being ruffled by the skin of your cheek.

“I love you.”

The soft whisper on your skin bloomed something within your chest, filling your body with warmth that spread around until it settled on your cheeks.

You had always been observant, and with the information you have received from your observing, you were quick on knowing what will happen next. That is why when you stare at the melting dessert, you feel your insides drop and dread creep up in your nerves.

You didn’t need this today, not when you just met with Jungkook. Not when you were aware that Jungkook still brought out such reactions from you.

You never really got the proposal that night a week ago, watching nervously as Namjoon decided not to do it with his tail between his legs. But Jungkook didn’t need to know that you haven’t accepted Namjoon’s proposal because you never got one , yet.

“And, I wanted to wait until lunch. But my friends were doing a shitty job at keeping you from home-”

“Supreme Boi told me to not enter the apartment yet.”

“That is the worst distracting ever.” Namjoon groaned into your skin, body lightly pushing you towards the table. Unconsciously, you let yourself to be lead closer until you felt your body hit the edge of the counter. As you looked closer, you realize that the dessert was a chocolate shell that looked like a huge dragon egg.

“It doesn’t look romantic, but it was that or nothing.” Namjoon explained, reached over for a spoon and pulling the plate of the dessert closer. He lightly tapped the surface of the chocolate with the back of the spoon, and you understood what to do when he handed you the spoon.

With shaky hands and an anxious mind, you did as you were expected and hit the chocolate with enough force until it was cracking and breaking and then -

Namjoon reaches for the inedible object, wiping it on the paper towel nearby, before he was pulling away from you and pushing you to face him as he -

“Will you marry me?”

It had been one month since, and to say the least, Jungkook finally got the break he deserved.

His work was appreciated by the world when some great girl group used his music productions for their comeback album.

Unexpectedly, their songs won several times in music shows, and Jungkook was elated to hear this new after each show.

After getting gift of booze and money and dinner and vacation tickets, Jungkook spent the rest of the promotion period catching up on the sleep that he lost.

Frankly, he was satisfied with his work, claiming that this had been his greatest outbreak since he started composing songs. And, he never would have thought that this personal catharsis would let him receive so much love and recognition.

It has been a month since he saw you, and since then he never heard anything from you or Rap Monster again. He had been anticipating a sudden announcement of your wedding, but maybe you were still just meticulously planning for your dream wedding with your fiance.

Within the month, Jungkook actually marvels in the feeling of being alone; no one night stands, no sexting, just himself pouring his hurtful feeling over his music.

So, he was fairly surprised when he receives a guest in the afternoon one day. He clears his throat, practicing his voice for he hasn’t been talking to single human being since three days ago.

But, his surprise intensified one he opens the door and -

“Hi,”

-he sees you.

Your name leaves his lips in a whisper, but you caught on to the sound. You look up at him, eventually looking straight into his wide, surprised eyes. Then, he asks, almost as if you expected this coming, “Uh, what are you doing here?”

There was no harshness in his tone, nor was there a sound of melancholy in his question, and this caused you to relax, after all these time you prepared yourself to approach Jungkook face-to-face.

“Can we come inside? I have something to say to you.”

You were beautiful. That was what you heard from everyone who approached you that night. As much as you didn’t want to admit it, you really did feel beautiful; pure white chiffon material hugging your body perfectly and a flower crown carefully placed atop your wonderfully braided hair.

You were wondering about the banquet, soft creamy lights kissing your skin and complementing your inexplicable beauty, as you took care of your guests - close friends and family members. Yet, they shoo you off jokingly, telling you to not mind about them and focus on yourself - because this was your day.

As you smile and excuse yourself, slightly buzzed from the champagne - the flavor you’ve agreed to have in this party with a particular person - that was being carried around by catering waiters, you smile faintly at the soft melody that echoed in the prettily decorated tent house, recognizing the snippets of music you frequently heard from the studio across the room you shared with him.

“A beautiful lady such as yourself should not be walking by herself.” you turned around, a smile immediately showing up on your face as you recognized the voice who spoke out to you.

Just as you were told to be beautiful all evening, he was absolutely stunning, wearing the same suit he had on at the church, during the ceremony.

“May I have this dance?”

“Why wouldn’t I dance with my husband?” you giggle, placing your hand into his awaiting palm before he whisk you outside the tent and into the watching eyes of evening stars.

The music from inside - the lyric-less tune you knew that your husband had been composing a few weeks before the wedding - was faintly heard from the outside. Some of your guests were chatting about outside, marveling at the grandness of the night sky. But for you, the stars projected in his eyes gazing lovingly at you as he pulls you close to him by your waist was all that you needed to see.

“You look so beautiful.” He whispers, head leaning forward until he had his lips teasingly pressed onto yours. You watch his eyes crinkle as he smiles shyly, cringing at the genuine cheesy words he had just said.

“You’re not so bad looking yourself,” you muse, but you knew that you were absolutely breathless at how handsome he looks.

He chuckles lowly, staring back into your eyes as he sways your bodies to the beat of the song. His eyes locks with yours, your hands fiddling deep within the tresses of his carob hair strands, and suddenly you understood why you had been unusually feeling confident with yourself: it was because this man had never failed to make you feel beautiful, staying by your side all these years and proving to you the genuine love that exits his mouth through silent gazes and soft physical contact, looking at you as if you were his whole universe.

The door of the tent ruffled until your female friend’s head shows up and then she finds you. She calls your name and you tilt your head to accommodate her. Meanwhile, you husbands takes this chance to nibble at your available neck, not caring whether an audience was watching or not.

“Come on lovebirds, it’s time for the tossing games.”

You were pulled away by your friend, and you giggle at the combination of a groan and a whine that escaped your husband’s throat.

When your friend lets go of you as soon as you’ve entered the tent - filled with excited bachelors and bachelorettes -, your husband approaches you and leans forward until he had his mouth beside your earlobe. Then, he huskily says, “If I see you wet during the garter toss, we’re going straight to our honeymoon suite.”

You blush profoundly at his proposition, not actually finding the statement lewd or repulsive. Rather, it didn’t sound too bad.

You were snapped out of your daze as your bouquet was passed to you and suddenly you were in front of the stage. You smile fondly at the little flower girls lined up front, joining into the festivity of catching the bride’s bouquet. You catch sight of your husband smirking at you from the distance. You had the garter further up your thighs, but he did not have to know that, he’ll notice it later anyways.

“Without further ado, the newly wedded bride everyone! Throw away the bouquet, Mrs. Jeon.”

So, you turned around and threw the flowers in your hands. All that’s left for the evening is the garter toss and then you’d finally be alone with -

“Ahh! There’s the lucky gal! How about we find out who your partner will be? Has anyone seen Jungkook for the garter toss?”

“I’m here. Wouldn’t want to keep my wife waiting.”

PARTS - first . second . last LINKS - other works

COPYRIGHT 170627. DO NOT RE-POST.

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Yes, another loss (And we are broken)

We’ve misplaced our baby.

I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?

Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a “surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.

So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.

We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.

These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.

In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)

If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)

By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?

I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.

Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.

You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.

For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.

Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.

As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?

In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.

Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:

Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”

I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.

Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.

The post Yes, another loss (And we are broken) appeared first on Techno Crats Blog.

[wavyunicornrider]

Yes, another loss (And we are broken)

We’ve misplaced our baby.

I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?

Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a “surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.

So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.

We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.

These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.

In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)

If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)

By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?

I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.

Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.

You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.

For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.

Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.

As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?

In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.

Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:

Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”

I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.

Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.

The post Yes, another loss (And we are broken) appeared first on Techno Crats Blog.

[raylovesrp-blog]

Yes, another loss (And we are broken)

We’ve misplaced our baby.

I felt her kick for the first time on Wednesday night time around 1:00am once I couldn’t sleep. It had been a very tough day and feeling these first flutters of motion felt like slightly kiss from heaven. A number of hours later at 7:30am on Thursday morning I rushed off to a commonly scheduled exam at the start centre. They couldn’t find a heartbeat and a number of other rounds of ultrasounds confirmed she had handed away. It all occurred so fast and, honestly, I didn’t consider them at first. Did they not hear me? I felt her alive a couple of hours ago. I’m positive of it. Didn’t they hear me?

Final weekend for the primary time I bought a couple of maternity gadgets and a few baby woman clothes. All was progressing because it should and I assumed a (late) Mom’s Day purchasing journey was in order. With delight we had begun to let the truth sink in that we have been truly going to have a daughter that comes to full time period as we finish creating our household. (Yes, our scans a month ago showed the child was a woman, although we hadn’t shared that publicly but.) I feel like it’s all I’ve needed my entire life and this was my last probability. We felt so complete. So grateful. And not that it should matter, but this wasn’t a “surprise” child. This was a baby we longed for and prayed for and tried for over many long, tearful months of waiting and hoping and wondering if I used to be “too old” for the present of 1 final youngster. In fact we know an excessive amount of to imagine any stage of pregnancy is “safe,” but at almost half method by way of the being pregnant we had a deep sense of perception that this child would reside and thrive, and the whole lot up to now had confirmed that right.

So we’re surprised. Like—certainly this is all a mistake. Nevertheless it’s not. It’s actual and our child is lifeless. There’s no plainer or truer strategy to say it.

We’re taking the weekend to attempt to rest and I’ll be admitted next week to have an induction and hospital labor and supply—the best choice for this stage of being pregnant. The considered laboring a lifeless baby repulses me however it’s what it’s. I don’t anticipate I’ll need to speak about it any time soon, which is why I’m sharing all of this now. (Then again nobody actually knows what they’ll need in grief until they need it.) We feel like we want so much proper now, but don’t know what or how one can ask for it.

These previous couple of years have been brutal and we’ve grown battle weary. There’s not a big milestone in our lives in six years that wasn’t also marked with some kind of pain or struggling or deep sense of problem.

In the previous few months alone we’ve had our roof collapse, main hail injury on our automotive which has diminished its value and made it unsellable just before we have been going to trade it in for a larger one, then went hundreds of dollars into debt to repair the mechanics of that same automotive after it mysteriously had a string of unrelated things going fallacious with it out of the blue (our mechanic has warned us that we ought to be prepared for it to die past repair any day), we lost major financial help, had individuals reap the benefits of our generosity which sent us into more personal debt, had several others backflip on an array of various ministry-related commitments that they had made, had main appliances and costly electronics we depend upon for work all of the sudden breaking, and lots of other smaller (however nonetheless troublesome) things. These events in isolation are just a normal part of “life happens,” but once they are piled on prime of each other for months on end (and years on finish), you start to marvel for those who could be going crazy. Or if that is the worth we’re required to pay to proceed in vocational ministry. (Our first miscarriage occurred two days after deciding we would pioneer a brand new YWAM ministry in Sydney, and every single one since has correlated with a serious ministry determination we’ve made inside days of creating it.)

If it feels like we’re feeling sorry for ourselves, that’s right. We are. We’re uninterested in life being exhausting and we’re means beyond faking wonderful. We’ve acquired no time for platitudes and “God’s ways are higher than our ways” and “God is in control” one liners so please don’t throw any out-of-context Christian cliches at us, nevertheless nicely which means they is perhaps. As a lot as we can we’ve been placing one foot in entrance of the other, selecting to trust God, selecting to not be overcome. We’ve carried out this for years. But for a way lengthy? When do we get to wave the white flag? (Jesus, are you sleeping?)

By means of these notably troublesome months that appeared to return to a head early this yr, our baby has been the shining pleasure in the midst of our personal hardship and ministry pressures and financial-related stress. With getting pregnant and then having a miraculous inflow of employees be a part of the ministry we felt like issues have been perhaps turning a corner. And now this. Dropping this child seems like an excessive amount of. Can you break extra whenever you’re already damaged?

I’m not telling you all of this to make you are feeling sorry for us or to elicit pity (we have enough of our personal already), however simply to say that life might be so rattling exhausting typically (we’ve all been there—you too, little question). And it’s in these occasions things typically really feel like they hold getting worse. Not higher. So how do we cope when we’re walking round with already-tender hearts? What then once they appear on the verge of breaking utterly? Is this a desperate cry for assist? In fact it is. And but we’re not even positive of the precise help we need. The grief makes issues feel messier and louder and extra urgent than they could truly be. We know that.

Clearly we’re left surprised and completely heartbroken by dropping this baby. This really is the primary factor. The injustice of premature dying is so confronting. We’ve already been giving every part we should hold our heads above the surface and proceed to search for God’s goodness and apply gratitude for the various, many things going “right” in our lives. But we’re additionally tired. Uninterested in preventing and uninterested in what seems like dropping.

You could assume writing Grace Like Scarlett has made us “experts” in coping with grief. And in some ways, positive, we are nicely outfitted with a few of the instruments we need and to a point we have discovered how one can grasp on to hope when life feels hopeless. (That is the grace of God at work in ways unseen but by some means felt, enabling this miracle.) And sure, we sense the freedom we have to feel how we really feel and walk straight into our grief as greatest we understand how. However we definitely aren’t “experts.” Expertise or knowledge softens nothing. Pain is pain and grief is grief. It just hurts. If something we’re surrounded even more by the heartache of it all since messages land in my inbox every day from families looking for help or a listening ear after their very own loss and heartbreak. Some days it seems like our entire world revolves around ache—ours and others. We might have never seen this coming.

For many who know us personally, you understand that we’re additionally within the crucial period of making an attempt to recruit students to our first discipleship coaching faculty (DTS) starting in September at YWAM Sydney Newtown. The burden of communications and advertising to get college students is mine and now this. How can I hold doing my job? I’m alleged to be organizing a talking tour for a couple of weeks July and August to share the message of Grace Like Scarlett and help supply hope to people who are hurting, but how can I proceed once I’ve received so little left to offer? Perhaps this all seems unrelated however I assure you it’s not. Our lives are entire, built-in, complicated—simply as yours. So is that this another instance of the enemy of our soul using every means potential to derail what God has spoken? As a result of the one thing that appears constant in our lives just lately is that each time we step out in obedience to what we consider God has proven us we get hit. The timing is uncanny and in addition very complicated. It’s maddening.

Being blindsided once more with loss looks like an assault on so many levels: private and ministry and religious. Properly needs are high-quality, however the actuality is we want miracles on so many fronts—miracles that sustain. The miracle of grace to endure suffering is a method we sustain and I’m grateful for it. The miracle of God’s presence even whereas we’re at our lowest is another approach we sustain and we’re grateful for that too. But we also need the miracle of actual breakthrough—breakthrough that lasts and is not aborted before it absolutely takes root.

As you pray for our household, please hold all of this in mind. We merely don’t really feel able to carrying all that we’re surrounded by and we need God’s grace and the help of his Church and our group to help us as we navigate. Our employees members arrive principally in August. Our dearest associates are miles away. And we can’t put our lives or work on maintain until things are simpler, because what in the event that they by no means are?

In the event you’ve read this far, thank you for not staying away from our ache. I’ll doubtless submit this in all of the places, turn autoresponder on for my emails, after which back away for a short while to nurse my big vulnerability hangover and marvel why I shared so much so broadly. But here’s the thing: if we can’t be trustworthy about our ache, how can we be trustworthy about our hope? If we can’t be trustworthy about our despair, how can we be trustworthy about our joy? The human heart is a paradox, we intrinsically know that. I recognize your understanding if I don’t respond a lot right now. I gained’t converse for Ryan, but though I’m sometimes the one with all of the words, I will say that he’s in immense ache too. He’s articulated it properly to me and I’m grateful these final a number of years have at the least taught us how you can use language to call our heartache. We’re on this collectively and all of our burdens (and joys) are shared. We’re devastated and hanging on to hope by a thread.

Lastly, I need to close with some thoughts about how God enters into our struggling. I spent years forming a ebook round this very factor and I nonetheless consider it to be true:

Our humanity is the very factor that retains us tethered to God. It’s our humanity—our lack, our pain, our weak spot, our recognition that the world incorporates injustice and tragedy and struggling, our want for a Rescuer, our longing for Eden and the restoration of all issues—that helps us to see our need for the Divine. In the present day, we can see that need so clearly. With all that’s gone improper, this potential to “see” is both a gift and an invitation. And that, my associates, is nothing however the grace of God that never quits loving and pursuing and increasing into our lives even at the hours of darkness when we wrestle and squint to see it. As I’ve written in Grace Like Scarlett, “The spectacle of heaven is that it’s birthed into low places… He never stops creating life out of dust.”

I still consider it, even when I can’t yet see it.

Or, maybe more precisely: I consider, Lord. Assist me in my unbelief.

The post Yes, another loss (And we are broken) appeared first on Techno Crats Blog.

[ultraviolent-brontosaurus]

Inbox me numbers? Please??

1: Are you ready for 200 questions? Kill Me 
2: Was your last relationship a mistake? Hahahahahahaha 
3: Do you miss your last relationship? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 
4: Who did you last say “i love you” to? Tilda? Actually, shit, no Ivo or Benedict 
5: Do you regret it? Never 
6: Have you ever been depressed? Good Juan, man 
7: Are you a boy or girl? Boy 
8: Are you insecure? Good Juan, man 
9: What is your relationship status? Taken, boys 
10: How do you want to die? Do I want to die? God, that's a difficult question 
11: What did you last eat? ;) A sausage sandwich, then yoghurt. What do you know, that did sound dirty. Sorry for the lack of anticlimax... Heh, climax 
12: Have you played any sports? I have played lots of sports..... but never like that. 
13: Do you bite your nails? Nope. I have recovered and reintegrated into society 
14: When was your last physical fight? Year seven. On a golf course in Slovenia. Wish that was a joke. 
15: Do you have an attitude? I'll have your attitude if you're not careful. 
16: Do you like someone? I hate everyone *emo* 
17: What is your real name? Macks Christ, I even ducked that one up 
18: Have you ever read a book? Good Juan, man 
19: Are you gonna get high later? I'll get you high if you're not careful 
20: Do you hate anyone at the moment? I don't like hating 
21: Do you miss someone? Yeah, quite a few. Yes I miss you most. 
22: Twirl or cut your spaghetti? *AUSTRALIAN DEATH RATTLE* Twirl boiiiii 
23: Do you tan a lot? Fuck tans dude, white is right kill me 
24: Have any pets? Three, Chippy, Florrie and Tilda 
25: How exactly are you feeling? Not bad, you? 
26: Ever eaten food in a car while someone or you are driving? Yes... not while driving but while someone has. 
27: Ever made out in a bathroom? U no it 
28: Would you take any of your exes back? See above 
29: Are you scared of spiders? Nahhhh that's cool memes son 
30: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Nup. I might stay here though 
31: Do you regret anything from your past? Hohoooooo 
32: What are your plans for this weekend? I might be seeing Archie from Balamory? Who knows 
33: Do you want to have kids? Who says I don't already 
34: Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M? Does Mulcare count? 
35: Do you type fast? Christ knows. Took me an hour to type the alphabet three times once 
36: Do you have piercings? Nup 
37: Want anymore? Not anymore, no 
38: Can you spell well? W-e-l-l gosh ain't I witty 
39: Do you miss anyone from your past? See above 
40: What are you craving right now? Yoghurt. Batman Lego. Dat meme. Good exam results. No death but a world that doesn't get overpopulated. My friends not to leave me and have happy lives. A copy of The Lorax on DVD. 
41: Ever been to a bonfire party? Yes indeed, Jake was clubbing 
42: Ever had a silly band? What??? 
43: Have you ever been on a horse? Yes? 
44: Kissed someone in a pickup truck? Ahaha I love how specific this is. No but thank you 
45: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? I doubt it? Maybe that meme but no one else 
46: Have you ever been cheated on? Nahhhhhhh I hope 
47: Have you ever made a boyfriend/­­girlfriend cry? Yusss 
48: Are you thinking of someone right now? Yusssssssss 
49: Would you live with someone without marrying them? Hull yusssssssss 
50: What should you be doing? Slepping 
51: What’s irritating you right now? I'd say "these" if I hadn't become self aware 
52: Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? I'll hurt you in a minute 
53: Does somebody love you? I hope so 
54: What is your favorite color? The colour of edge (is a color the same as a colour?) 
55: Have you ever changed clothes in a car? Yes, I think so 
56: Milk chocolate or white chocolate? I've already said "white is right" ironically, so both are good plz 
57: Do you have trust issues? Nope, I'm far too trusting 
58: Best friends name? Edgy McKillme 
59: 2nd best friends name? Killmeme McEdgy 
60: 3rd best friends name? Edgy McMuffmeme 
61: Longest relationship? 7.5 months 
62: Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? That I'm bad at Latin Just realised that makes no sense, okay. 
63: Who was the last person you cried in front of? Teldo 
64: Do you give out second chances too easily? Hahaha yes 
65: Is it easier to forgive or forget? Is there a big difference? Both, really. Probably forgive cause that's less ambiguous 
66: Is this year the best year of your life? 2016 was, most definitely. 2017 is only 11 days old 
67: What was your childhood nickname? Moby was a big'un 
68: Have you ever walked outside completely naked? Have you ever seen blood in the moonlight, Will? It looks quite black. 
69: Favorite food? ;)) I enjoy eating emojis with double chins 
70: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Don't you philosophy me, who are you, fucking Stephen Law? (https://mobile.twitter.com/stephenlaw60?ref_src=twsrc%5Egoogle%7Ctwcamp%5Eserp%7Ctwgr%5Eauthor) 
71: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Found out that Alfred's hand was broken :( 
72: Did you have dream last night? How can you go to sleep if you don't know how to have dreams. 
73: What is bothering you? You. 
74: Have you ever been out of state? What? I was once liquid but I think that's probably being out of phase 
75: Do you play the Wii? HELL YES ONLY CONSOLE I'VE EVER OWNED. 
76: Are you listening to music right now? Frankie Goes To Hollywood singing Bruce Springsteen 
77: Do you like Chinese food? It's fine 
78: Who are you texting right now? I'm not, I'm doing these! 
79: Are you afraid of the dark? I have lots of black friends 
80: Is cheating ever okay? Only if it's in a game of Cheat or Crunch (good meme that one) 
81: Are you mean? I hope not 
82: Can you keep white shoes clean? I'm a dirty, dirty boy ;))) 
83: What year has been your best? See above. It'll check how you've been reading 
84: Do you believe in true love?
Lou Truv is my favourite jazz musician 85: Favorite weather? It's grey but quite light and quite cold and incredibly windy <3 
86: Do you like the snow? 'Schill HAHA ACCIDENTAL PAN 
87: Does it snow a lot where you live? It doesn't do anything a lot where I live 
88: Do you like the outside? The outside of what? 
89: Are you currently bored? Are you currently boring me? 
90: Do you want to get married? Yuss 
91: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? Depends which boy/girl 
92: Are you hungry? That's the trick, Steve. I'm always hungry (For Ruby <3) 
93: Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? I don't tend to check the time during 
94: What makes you happy? Dat meme 
95: Would you change your name? Already have ;))) 
96: Ever been to Alaska? You fucking normie piece of shit 
97: Ever been to Hawaii? With the miracle of storytelling that is Moana, haven't we all? 
98: Do you watch the news? Send news 
99: Do you love MTV? Send MTV 
100: Do you like subway? Send subway 
101: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? From this distance, Yeah 
102: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? It's fine, she lives in Australia 
103: Do you talk like your friends? Jack Crawford heard the rhythm and syntax of his own speech in Graham's voice. He had heard Graham do that before, with other people. Often in intense conversation Graham took on the other person's speech patterns. At first, Crawford had thought he was doing it deliberately, that it was a gimmick to get the back-and-forth rhythm going. Later Crawford realized that Graham did it involuntarily, that sometimes he tried to stop and couldn't. 
104: Why did you decide to do this quiz? Tilda's a bitch 
105: Have you ever seen someone you knew and purposely avoided them? I was a carrying a cake and pretended George was sad 
106: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? If I had a meme page for every gender, I'd have One Big Meme But no, girls are dumb 
107: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? Tildah 
108: Do you feel good? I would but I think he might smite me 
109: Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? OH MY GOD IF YOU SPELL YOUR NAME BACKWARDS IT HAS LIT IN IT 
110: Favorite lyrics right now? I'd do some Chaucer (Celery Soup, Am I Depressed Or Am I Just In Love?, Now I Am On Mars, Charlie Church Falls In Love, Abraham Lincoln Ate Carbs, And So Will I) Also loads of AJJ But I'm just gonna resort to the old I Swipe Right: Chivalry's dead, I shot him square between the eyes Romance is dead and I'd like to bury her deep between your thighs. 
111: Can you count to one million? After twenty, doesn't it get far easier? 
112: Ever bought condoms? TiLdaX 
113: Ever gotten pregnant? Hell yes, good meme haha wit 
114: Ever failed a class? That doesn't really happen over here 
115: Ever kissed a boy? Oh dear 
116: Ever kissed a girl? Not willingly 
117: Ever used a little paper bag for lunch? Nah, a box every time matey. Paper tastes disgusting 
118: Have you ever had a job? Nip Heh 
119: Have you ever slipped on ice? I've slipped on Iced, album by Chaucer (give me free stuff) 
120: Have you ever missed the bus? I'll miss your bus if you're not careful 
121: Have you left the house without money? Have I ever left money without my house? 
122: Did you ever bully someone on the internet? Instagram @reall_boyzz 
123: Did you ever sexted someone? What is sex? 
124: Have you ever had sex in public? What is public? 
125: Did you ever played on a sports team? What is sports? 
126: Have you ever smoked weed? Why would someone smoke a weed? 
127: Have you ever smoked cigarettes? Ew, no, cigarettes aren't cool!! 
128: Have you ever smoked a cigar? Smoking isn't cool! 
129: Did you ever drink alcohol? I am a Methodist. 
130: Did you ever watched “The Breakfast Club”? Yeah, me and my friends played a drinking game 
131: Have you ever been overweight? The Wii fit said I did but I think it was out to get me 
132: Ever had an eating disorder? I'll have one eating disorder to go please 
133: Ever been to a wedding? Did that count? 
134: Ever been in a wedding? Not with consent 
135: Did you ever made fun of someone for being fat? Fat is coooool 
136: Have you ever been on the computer for 5 hours straight? Mum and dad only let me have an hour of computer time a day 
137: Did you ever watch TV for 5 hours straight? TV time is only for school holidays 
138: Ever been late for work? Ever been late to shut up? 
139: Ever been late for school? Ew no fuck you 
140: Ever kissed Eva Braun? Fuckin slut 
141: Did you ever showered with someone else? Yes. 
142: Did you ever fail a driver’s test? I'm not sure, what was this driver testing me on? 
143: Have you ever run a mile in less than 10 minutes? Fuck off mate 
144: Ever been outside my home country? Maybe? I'm usually outside your home 
145: Ever been on a road trip longer than 5 hours? I've never been on any kind of trip longer than five hours. I mean, I have. My longest is 26 
146: Did you ever get your heart broken? I bought a really nice copy for three quid from Tesco. Val Kilmer and At Pacino but my DVD player overheated and melted it, it was shit, I never got to the end 
147: Ever had a credit card? I'll credit your card 
148: Ever been to a professional sports game? Japan vs USA women's football, London 2012!!! 
149: Did you ever broken a bone? Did you ever fucking what kill yourself 
150: Have you ever been unhappy about my weight? No, you're the perfect size! You're cuddly! 
151: Did you ever won a trophy in your life? Please learn English 
152: Did you ever cut yourself for no reason? I mean, I cut myself three questions ago but that was because this quiz takes the joy out of every part of my fucking life 
153: Do you have STD? Does mouth herpes from a forest count? 
154: Ever got engaged? Nip Ooh, it happened again 
155: Have you ever been on a diet? I'll be on your diet if you're not careful 
156: Did you ever been on TV? EYYYHFVNMOY 
157: Ever rode in a taxi? I'll rode in your taxi 
158: Ever been to prom? How dare you, I'll have you know my hard drive is clean and has no filthy images 
159: Ever played a drinking game? THIS DEOENDS. IS PRETENDING VODKA IS WAYER FOR A YEAR CAUSING SOMEONE TO GO INTO A PARANOID SPIRAL DURING A TIME A FUCKING GAME 
160: Ever stayed up for 24 hours or more? I'll lick you 
161: Ever been to a concert? Yes 
162: Ever had a three-some? No 
163: Have you ever had a crush on someone of the same sex? I've crushed someone during sex, yes 
164: Have you ever been in a car accident? I was an accident 
165: Ever had braces? I'll brace you if you're not careful 
166: Did you ever learn another language? Evidently you haven't learnt English 
167: Ever killed an animal? Human is the dangerous most animals. More like animan. 
168: Ever been to a Japanese steakhouse? Japanese are tasty 
169: Do you wear make-up? Only to my specialist parties 
170: Did you ever talked to someone via webcam? Spiders are cool 
171: Did you ever have wisdom teeth taken out? Teeth are cool 
172: Did you ever kiss someone a different race than yourself? I mean, they tell me I'm racist towards Americans so I assume yes 
173: Did you ever snuck out of the house? Aaaaaaaaa 
174: Did you ever bought porn? Aaaaaaaaaa 
175: Ever had a virus on your computer? I'll virus on you if you're not careful 
176: Ever dyed your hair? Never doing it after Sick Boy 
177: Thanks 
178: Did you ever graduated from college? Nope 
179: Did you ever wear someone else’s clothes? Ew who wears clothes 
180: Ever rode in an ambulance? That would be cooooool 
181: Ever rode in a helicopter? Edgyyyyyy 
182: Ever caught the stove on fire? What 
183: Ever got in a verbal fight? I'll fucking fight you mate 
184: Ever meet someone famous? Thomas Bate 
185: Have you ever been on vacation? Speak English 
186: Ever been on an airplane? No 
187: Ever been on a boat? No 
188: Ever broken something expensive? No 
189: Did you ever have surgery in your life time? No 
190: Did you ever kiss someone before you were 14? No (genuinely) 
191: Ever beat a video game? No 
192: Ever got in a fist fight? No 
193: Did you ever find something valuable on the ground? No 
194: Did you ever stalk someone on facebook/ MySpace? There's no one I haven't 
195: Have you ever prank called someone? No 
196: What are your top 3 favorite colors? No No No 
197: What is your number 1 favorite sport? No 
198: What’s your favorite singer/rapper? No 
199: What is your number 1 favorite animal? and why? No No 
200: Did you think this looked like fun to do? Good one matey lol deez nuts gotteeeeeem

[halcyon-bluevista]

My Coming Out Story! Bisexual Woman to Straight Woman. LGBTQ+ Friendly (NOT A TESTIMONY)

Hi! This is my story of coming out as a straight woman from a former bisexual women. Id just like to make the disclaimer that this is not a religious testimony, it is not an attempt to convert anybody and I am an ally of the LGBTQ+ community! I intend to share my story for myself and for others who may be looking for someone in relation to themselves for it has been my personal struggle to find advice, help, and sympathy on this topic.

I grew up in a Pentecostal church, attended church every Sunday and youth groups every Wednesday. Before I left the church and denounced my faith as a Christian I was a good little baptized church girl but had not yet been exposed to the hatred and or disbelief/ nonacceptance of the LGBTQ+ community within it. As I got older, and I started to understand the themes in service and youth group sermons. They became heavier and unjustified to me. It was hard for me to listen and accept the “sin” of same sex love. 

As a little girl (11-13), I had already innocently engaged in same sex acts with my girl friends. Playing imaginary games like house (as kids do), acting as the man/husband in the relationship, kissing, touching, reenacting the things we saw our parents do. I was definitely aware of my sexual attraction at a young age but had never been aware of the skewed views the world had on gay people, so sexual feelings were just feelings to me, I didn't know what I was doing just what felt good at the time. As I got older and dating came into play for us the norm was girl/guy relationships and that is what I fell into as well.

In 9th grade my mother came out as lesbian. By this time I had already been inching my way out of the church because of my counter beliefs. It came to no surprise to me really as I had already had a hunch, turns out it took her so long to come out to me because she thought I was homophobic, and oh was she wrong. I had already had my first girl/girl sexual experience and thought I was bisexual too. My aunt, a flamboyant lesbian woman who I adore and admire had me integrated into the LGBTQ+ community since I was 7. I have always loved everyone for whoever they are and whoever they loved, it never phased me. 

Since I had such a strong sense of community and acceptance around me, I never had to go through the struggle of coming out. Most of my friends had told me I was gay even before I fully accepted it myself and my mum had always encouraged me to bring home women over men. To me it felt like it was my destiny to be Bisexual. 

My first relationship was with a man and lasted about 3.5 years, grade 9-11. After this ended I wanted to explore my sexuality more, as one should if they feel inclined. Things were quite rough for me at home and I went through a traumatizing experience (sexual assault) that left me with no friends. From here I fell into the arms of a fairy tale of woman that showed me empathy, compassion and remorse in my time of need. I thought I had fallen in love, and I did, just not in the way I now know love to be as an adult. She was so freely open with her sexuality, and opened me up to so much in the LGBTQ+ community that I still hadn't seen (being from a small town). This came to an abrupt end to me as my traumatizing experience left me with a lot of unbearable baggage. So I moved to the city.

After moving to the city things didn't get much better. Things were still rocky at home for me. I left home at 16, taking on the world for myself. Renting, working, and going to school, through this I really dove into my bisexual urges. I slept with woman and men quite equally and declared myself openly a bisexual woman with no question about it. 

Im 21 now, and finally starting to figure out my sexuality. I have been questioning the psychology behind why im attracted to men and why im attracted to women and its been a frightening and difficult journey. If I dive into why im attracted to men it makes sense in my head, love, romance, lust, marriage, instinctual, future & growth, protection, and you know all the average straight people do das. But when I question why im attracted to women it gets gray. I cant see myself romantically involved with women, or see a future with them. I would be considered what is called a “top”,  to break it down in gender role terms, the man, I wear the pants when im with women. There had to be reason to this, why dont I feel romantic feelings to these women that im so blatantly attracted to if I can feel romantic feelings towards men? 

This is what ive come to, and remember this is a personal journey, I dont expect this to make sense or reside with other bisexual woman who also dont feel romantic feelings towards woman because sexuality is different for everyone. I think being with women gave me a sense of power and control. Something I lacked a lot of in my teenage years. What I also recently realized is that I dont let women perform sexual acts to me, because I lose that sense of control, something I only feel comfortable giving away to men. On top of this I see that when I did experiment with letting women try sexual acts on me, I couldn't get into it or id lose the feeling or desire completely and I have never reached climax or came close from it. I appreciate the intrinsic value of beauty women are born with and I think many and most women are born with this ranging ability. 

With all of this in mind I have come to the conclusion that I am not really Bisexual, but rather straight. Now, coming to this conclusion has been hard for a number of reasons. 1. I couldn't find anyone online or in real life with similar experience. This really bothered me, I know its not difficult socially to be straight as thats just the norm, but since my norm is the LGBTQ+ world, it was for me. I searched and searched and searched for someone or something I could relate to but all of my finding resulted in videos or articles or people talking about, Conversion camps (YUCK), religious testimonies where people have “seen the light of gods word” and now think they have sinned in their past, or extreme left/liberal men and women telling me I am being conditioned or brainwashed from my liberation. I WAS ANGRY and felt alone. I still am and this is why im writing this, in hope that someone going through a similar scenario can find this and feel comfort in the fact that they are not alone  2. I thought I was going to lose my community. Since I had no support system or advice/help on my coming out path, I had convinced myself the LGBTQ+ community would shun me for being straight ~which I now know is ridiculous because we love people with whatever sexuality they identify with~ The LGBTQ+ community has been my home and the number one place I felt accepted regardless of my sexuality. Losing them would be like losing my family. and 3. I didn't think people would believe me. To my friends and family ive always been the one so comfortable being the bisexual I thought I was. I was scared for the comments and justification I would have to bring to the table while making this bold statement. As I built up the courage to do this though, my lovely peoples around me have proven me so wrong and I cant thank them enough for it. 

Here is what I have to say to anyone who is coming to these terms for themselves. There is no one way street, if something can happen one way it can happen another. You are not losing anything by being your true self. Dont be afraid to come to your friends and community with your questions and concerns. If people accept you you're in the right crowd and theres nothing wrong with changing your sexuality as you grow one way or the other. We need to be comfortable with our sexuality and not be influenced or conditioned into thinking one way or the other but rather discover by exploration who we truly are. You are loved and if you dont feel that way there are people out there that will love you for you. Me being one, id also like to use this as a open invitation for people to discuss everything I have said either with me ~my inbox is open~ or in the public and I encourage people with similar experiences to share their stories so we dont feel so alone!

I genuinely thank anyone who took the time to read this lengthy post as its something iv wanted to share for a while. Peace & Love.