#{{ but of course if you says it’s in the name of Justice how could dewey NOT believ you??

[longbobmckenzie]

dewey decimal system - noah/mc

Written for @0shewrites0 as part of the gift exchange organized by @justtuesdays and @sunshinejihyun!

I've always kind of wanted to write for Noah even though the idea sorta scared me, so I really hope I did him justice, and I hope you enjoy this!

Rating: Explicit - 18+ only, minors DNI

Wordcount: 6,515

Summary:

Noah loves his work at the local library. He prides himself on keeping it pristine and organized, so that everything is easy to find and nothing is out of place. Which is why it drives him nuts every time she comes in and puts everything in disarray. He’d love nothing more than to put her in her place, but he’s just a mild-mannered librarian… or is he?

Wordcount: 6,515

Read on AO3 or under the cut!

dewey decimal system

She’s doing it again. That thing where she absentmindedly strolls up and down the library aisles, picking up any book that catches her fancy and putting it back again — but in the wrong spot. Noah would swear that she does it on purpose, but she never looks back over her shoulder to check if he’s watching the way her hips sway as she moves along, her fingers trailing lightly along the shelves, searching for their next victim.

But he does watch, and he never fails to hate himself for it.

Noah Alexander doesn’t hate anyone, but dammit, if she doesn’t come close.

Every time she walks in the front door, he has to stifle a groan — one, because he knows he’ll be spending the rest of his shift following after her, putting each book she picks up back in its proper place, and two, because of the way his trousers always seem a little bit tighter when she’s around.

Alina is her name, according to her library account. Alina Pullman. Which is extra annoying, because she shares a surname with one of his favourite authors. They’re now forever linked together in his mind by association, and he can’t pick up a Philip Pullman book without automatically thinking of her, which never fails to lessen his enjoyment in the book in question. With golden blonde hair that falls in soft waves over her shoulders, the most stunning amber eyes that sparkle like stars in the night sky, and curves that could cause traffic accidents, she spends far too much time invading his thoughts.

He’s dreamt about having her plump red lips wrapped around his cock on more than one occasion, waking up with a raging hard-on that won’t go down until he takes care of it, no matter how hard he tries to resist.

And he might be harbouring a little fantasy that involves him pinning her against the library shelves and making her scream his name… but he would never admit it, of course.

He certainly wouldn’t ever act on it.

It’s quiet in the library tonight, and Noah’s unsure whether or not to be grateful for that. On one hand, it means he’s free to keep an eye on her and rescue each of the books she touches from their misplaced fate. On the other hand, it means he’s free to keep an eye on her and imagine all the nasty things he’d like to do to her.

And it’s a long list. He has quite a few thoughts that aren’t entirely appropriate for the quiet library setting. Thoughts that would likely shock most of his patrons, who see him as a quiet, mild-mannered literary type, one who wouldn’t be out of place in one of their regency romances. The old ladies like to tease him with talk of setting him up with their granddaughters; the young mothers who bring their kids to his reading times like to watch and swoon.

But Alina? Alina acts like she doesn’t even know he exists. There are no glances snuck in his direction, no lowered eyes and flirtatious hair tucks while he checks her books out for her. Their interactions are quick and business-like, with friendly smiles just like those you’d give to any random stranger.

And it drives him crazy. Because while she’s firmly burrowed her way under his skin, he can’t say the same thing about himself. He seems to have no effect on her. None, zilch, nada. If she saw him in the street, she might not even recognize him.

She places a book on one of the shelves, wedging it between two others in a too-tight space where it doesn’t belong before sashaying down the aisle and disappearing around the corner. He’s about to go find the book and return it to its correct place when a mother and her three kids approach the counter carrying a stack of books.

Fighting the frown that tugs at his lips, he instead gives the woman a smile and a friendly comment, asking if she found everything she was looking for. She did, of course — Noah is proud of how well the library is kept organized, and he impresses the importance of putting everything in its proper place on all the new staff when he trains them. One of her kids hops up and down on one foot and asks if he can have a piece of candy from the jar on the counter, and Noah nods and tells him he can, as long as his mum allows him.

She does, so he holds out the jar, and all three kids swoop in towards it, fighting over which colour they each want.

Noah likes kids; he really does. But he’s itching to get away from the desk and back to the aisles, so it would be nice if they would settle on a piece of candy each and let him get back to checking out their books. Who knows how much damage Alina is doing to his perfectly organized shelves while he’s occupied elsewhere?

The kids finally pick out their candies, he gets back to scanning their books, and it’s with the greatest relief that he watches them make their way out the door.

Now to follow Hurricane Alina and set the library back to rights.

To Noah’s trained eye, it’s not hard to figure out which shelves have new gaps in them where books have been removed and which ones contain books that don’t belong. It’s not a large library by any means; after a few years of working there, he knows every inch of the place. So, it doesn’t take long to make the rounds through the aisles and pick up after her. There are also a few other books left here and there by other patrons, but those are more obviously askew or left on their sides in front of the neatly lined row of books. He doesn’t mind those as much, because they’re easy to find, instead of having to go searching for them.

Carrying the stack of discarded books reverently in his hands, he goes back up and down the aisles, returning everything to its place. What he doesn’t find, though, is Alina, and that’s what scares him. Is she up to more mischief?

He has to assist another patron before he can go looking for her, but he eventually finds her in the children's story area, which has been set up with cushioned benches and plenty of brightly coloured throw pillows. It’s a popular reading spot when there are no children around, and this close to closing time, it’s empty besides her.

She’s so engrossed in her book that she doesn’t seem to notice him watching her. Which is good, because what he’s doing could probably be called staring. It’s hard to look away when she looks so damn hot, with her bright eyes, rosy cheeks, and her bottom lip pulled between her pearly white teeth. Noah’s eyes drop to the book in her hands. He can’t tell exactly which one she’s reading, but he has a good idea what’s caused her skin to flush so delightfully. It’s one of those romance books with the cute illustrated covers that are great at hiding the often downright raunchy content inside. On the outside, it looks like an unassuming Hallmark-esque romance novel. On the inside, smut that would make even a fanfiction writer blush.

He wonders what’s happening on the pages of that book. What kind of fantasy is playing out in her mind as her eyes take in the words. What she’s going to do about it later in the darkness of her bedroom.

That’s a thought he didn’t need right now, but his body reacts before he can chase it away — his dick twitching in his pants, his heart rate quickening, and a soft moan that turns into a choked sigh as he tries to keep it from escaping his throat.

Too late, as Alina looks up from her book, and even from this distance, a spark seems to pass between them.

Noah clears his throat to cover his embarrassment at being caught. “Good book?”

Her blush deepens as she looks down at her book, keeping her finger between the pages to keep her place as she closes the cover and holds it to her chest.

“Um, yeah. It’s great so far.”

She seems a little flustered — at his presence, or simply from being interrupted during what must be a particularly saucy scene, he’s not sure — and it gives him no small amount of satisfaction. For months, she’s been plaguing him, with no outward sign that she even knows what she’s doing. He’s convinced that she does; he just can’t work out why.

“Which one is it?” he asks, deciding to take advantage of catching her off-guard.

“Oh, just a romance!” She clutches the book tighter as she flashes him her most innocent smile. “I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested.”

She’s wrong — very wrong — but he’ll let it slide.

He takes a look at his watch. “Well, I just wanted to let you know that it’s almost closing time, in case you want to check that book out.”

“Thanks! I’ll be right there.”

Taking that as his cue to leave her alone, he returns to the counter, ignoring the twinge of disappointment that he felt when he saw the time. He ought to be glad to see the back of her. He usually is — in more ways than one. But something’s different tonight, and he’s not sure why.

Reading erotica in the kiddie section; Noah shakes his head. He should be scandalized, but he’s turned on by her complete lack of regard for convention. That doesn’t stop him from wanting to punish her, though, by lifting that short skirt of hers and spanking those deliciously round cheeks until they bear angry red imprints of his hand. He’d love to hear her whimper with each strike and feel her tremble at his touch.

Noticing someone standing at the counter waiting for him, he adjusts his trousers to hide the evidence of his thoughts and greets them with a smile. For the next several minutes, he’s kept busy as the few remaining patrons make their way to the front and check out their stacks of books, until it’s finally closing time and he locks the door behind the last departing customer.

It’s only after the bolt clicks shut that Noah realizes he never saw Alina leave.

He should be annoyed — after all, she’d promised to check her book out while there was still plenty of time to do so — but the only thing he feels is intrigue. He makes his way back to where he’d seen her last, but finds the children’s area empty. Several cushions are strewn across the floor, so he picks them up and sets them back in place, ready for the kids to make a mess of them all over again the following day.

But where’s Alina? Noah tilts his head as he listens to the silence of the almost-empty library. He loves this time after closing, when it’s only him and the books. The scent of the old pages and bindings always seems a little richer, and the silence feels more comforting when he’s there alone.

Tonight, though, he’s not alone. He strains his ears for any sign of his hidden companion — the rustle of pages, soft footsteps on the carpeted floor, even the sound of her breathing — but all he can hear is the pounding of his own heartbeat.

Until a book falls to the floor a few aisles over, the sound followed by a mumbled curse.

His pulse quickens as he follows the sound, finding her trying to wedge a book with an illustrated cover into a too-tight gap on the shelf.

“You’re still here,” he says, and she jumps as she turns to him with wide eyes and flushed cheeks.

Noah quickly closes the distance between them and plucks the book from her fingers. Her breath hitches softly as she backs up against the shelf, and he realizes how close he’s standing. He lies the book down on its side as he takes a step back, fighting the urge to move closer instead.

“It doesn’t go there.”

Alina chuckles, one corner of her lips slanting upwards. “I know.”

“So you are doing it on purpose.”

The smirk deepens. “You noticed.”

“Of course, I noticed — I’ve been cleaning up after you for months!”

“You never said anything.”

Is it his imagination, or has the space between them shrunk again?

“I…” His voice trails off, and he rubs the back of his neck, perplexed. It’s true; so many times, he would follow from a distance and move the books she displaced to their proper homes, but never once did he approach her and politely ask her to desist. Almost as if he didn’t actually want her to stop, despite the annoyance that would always rise up inside him. Like he was addicted to the frustration that she brings. “What would you have done if I did?”

She shrugs. “Probably would’ve asked you out.”

Noah practically chokes on the matter-of-fact way she delivers that bombshell. “Wait, really?”

Her smirk returns as she steps closer, and he catches a waft of her perfume. Something warm and cozy that makes him feel at home but also intoxicates him and leaves him craving more, and he finds himself leaning in as his eyes lower to her plush red lips.

“I was trying to get your attention,” she says, her voice dropping to a low murmur that sends a shiver through him. His arms stretch out on either side of her, trapping her between them as he supports his weight on the shelf behind her, and she places a teasing hand on his chest. “You seem like such a friendly, mild-mannered librarian, but I bet you’ve got hidden depths beneath the stoic exterior.”

He groans as her hand slowly lowers, tracing the muscular abs beneath his shirt, and a satisfied smile crosses her face. All at once, a flip switches inside him, and he backs her up against the shelf, his body hovering mere centimetres from hers. If she wants to see his hidden depths, he’ll show her — but instead of following her lead, it’s going to be him that dictates how the rest of the evening is going to go. And after spending months watching that sweet ass walking away from him, the only way he wants to see it tonight is if it’s bent over for him to apply punishment.

Noah steps even closer, until there’s just a trace of contact, delighted by the way she shivers at his nearness. He lowers his voice, taking on that husky, sexy tone that has never failed to melt the panties right off the women he’s been with. “I’m more interested in your… hidden depths.”

By the soft whine that escapes her lips and the fluttering shut of her eyes, he knows he has her. Perhaps she’s been fantasizing about this very moment, spending her nights with her fingers between her legs as she thinks about him. Dreaming about him replacing her fingers with his own and making her come before bending her over and taking her from behind. And now he’s going to make those dreams come true.

Removing one hand from the shelf, he glides it slowly over her body, memorizing every curve on the way down. She gasps when he flicks his thumb across the hardened peak of her nipple, which strains for his touch through the thin fabric of her blouse. He continues down, enjoying the way her taut stomach quivers under his fingertips, and dips his fingers into the waistband of her skirt, using it to pull her against him so she can feel how much he wants her.

“I’m going to keep going,” he rasps, “and see what’s under this pretty skirt. Hmm? You want that?”

Alina can only nod, and it fills him with pride to see how quickly she’s submitted to his leadership. Perhaps, if all goes well, they might explore this dynamic again some day. But for now, he needs to sample those luscious red lips, more tempting than any forbidden fruit from the Garden of Eden.

They taste as sweet as sin, rich and honeyed. They’re soft and plump, and they move slowly against his at first, before pressing harder as she wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him in closer. His hands slide further down over her round bottom until he reaches the hem of her skirt, and he teases the edge of the fabric as her lips part for his tongue.

All at once, the kiss grows deeper and more passionate, and Noah groans into her mouth as she rolls her hips into him impatiently. His fingers finally dip beneath the skirt, and he grabs handfuls of her ass and holds her steady as he ruts against her. Her little pants and moans fuel him on, and when her fingernails dig deep into his shoulder, he nips at her lower lip.

“You like that, don’t you?” he growls. “You like my hard cock rubbing against you.”

“Yes,” she whispers, before licking her lip where he bit it. “So big. So fucking hard.”

“Bet you’ll like it even more when it’s in you.”

“Oh, god—Please!”

Releasing his hold on her ass, he pushes her roughly against the bookshelf, and she cries out in surprise and a little bit of pain at the shelf digging into her back. He shuts her up with his mouth, kissing her hard as he cups between her legs, finding her hot and wet. Locating her clit beneath the lacy fabric, he starts rubbing it with his thumb, and she jerks into his hand.

“You’re fucking soaked, babe. Is it the library? Do you come in here every week thinking about how much you’d like to be fucked against these shelves? To try to be quiet while you’re getting your back blown out?” He shoves her pants aside and drags his knuckles through her slick folds, evoking a gasp from her lips. “Or is it because you know I’m gonna fuck you right?”

“Mmm,” Alina moans as he teases her. “B-both.”

Noah chuckles, watching her face contort with pleasure as he alternates between rubbing circles around her clit and stroking it firmly. She’s gorgeous like this; she was anyway, but seeing the way her lips have swollen and her cheeks have flushed because of what he’s doing to her is doing something to him. His balls ache, reminding him just how much he’d like to see those full lips of hers around his cock and those pink cheeks hollowed out as she sucks him.

He finally plunges two fingers into her. She’s so drenched by this point that there’s no resistance, yet so tight that he wonders how his cock will ever fit. He stifles a groan, biting his lip as he presses his body against hers, his hand in between them working her over until her trapped body is writhing and shaking with need and she’s begging him to make her come.

He can sense how close she is, and it would be so easy to give in and send her over the edge, but the book she’d been reading is just visible out of the corner of his eye. It taunts him, just like she’s done so many times with her little jaunts around the aisles moving books out of place, and he’ll be damned if he lets her get off so easily.

She lets out a frustrated whine when he pulls his hand away, a whine that’s cut off by those same fingers being shoved into her mouth. Her eyes widen in surprise before she relaxes somewhat and sucks her juices right off of him.

“How do you taste?” he asks, pulling out so she can speak.

Alina smirks and licks her lips, running her tongue slowly over them. “Why don’t you try for yourself?”

Noah dips his head until his mouth is hovering just a hairsbreadth away from hers, inhaling her sweet scent. He smiles as her breath hitches, but instead of closing the distance between them, he pulls back sharply and pushes her head down until she falls to her knees before him.

"I’d rather you taste me. You can tell me which of us tastes better.”

With no hesitation whatsoever, she reaches for his belt. The tip of her pretty pink tongue pokes out of the side of her mouth as her fingers tug on the leather to unclasp the buckle, and Noah’s mouth salivates at the thought of that tongue running along the underside of his cock and massaging his head. He grabs the shelf to brace himself as she works his zipper down and unbuttons his trousers, and his fingertips brush against something.

Tearing his eyes away from the picture at his feet, he sees the book that he’d taken out of her hands earlier, and he tries unsuccessfully to stifle a laugh. Alina’s movements pause, and he glances down to see her staring up at him with her fingers tucked into the waistband of his boxers, her head tilted in curiosity. Wondering what he finds so funny, no doubt.

“Keep going,” he says gruffly, and in one swift motion, she tugs everything down. Noah chuckles again as her eyes grow wide at the sight of the hefty cock that slaps against his stomach as it springs free. Forgetting the book for a moment, he hurriedly unfastens the buttons on his shirt and tears it off, then wraps a hand around himself. “Think you can take it?”

Alina licks her lips as her expression morphs from one of surprise to one of sheer lust, and she nods. “I’ll do my best, sir.”

That sends a rush of blood straight to his already-hard cock, and he groans as he places a hand on top of her head, firmly directing her towards him. He can’t wait any longer.

Her lips obediently part, and he watches with rapt attention as his tip disappears between them. Her mouth is warm and wet, a preview of what’s to come when he fucks her tight little pussy, and he has to hold himself back from bucking his hips and fucking her in earnest.

Placing both hands back on the shelf, Noah moans and drops his head back as Alina sucks on the head of his cock, her fingers wrapping around the shaft and twisting as she starts to move her head back and forth. His eyes flutter closed as he revels in the sensations she’s eliciting within him. Maybe it’s her, or maybe it’s the illicit nature of doing it in his library — especially while he’s technically still on the clock — but he’s not sure a blowjob has ever felt this good.

With his eyes still closed and only the sounds of her slurping around him reaching his ears, he remembers the book again and smirks. The latest from a popular romance author known for including steamy smut in her novels, it’s about a big city girl who moves to a small town and begins a torrid affair with the male lead, who just so happens to be a sexy librarian with a dominant streak. He hasn’t read it yet, and is actually surprised Alina was able to find it in stock, considering there’s supposed to be a long hold list. Perhaps someone misfiled it.

He can’t be too upset, though, considering the error led to this moment.

Looking down again, he finds her staring back up at him, and the sight is enough to make his hips jerk. Her eyes are watering, her cheeks are hollowed, and she’s taken him even further than he would have thought possible. She swallows around him as he gathers her hair in his hands, and Noah hisses at how tight everything feels.

Seeing her snake one hand down between her legs, he pulls her head back and growls, “Did I say you could touch yourself?” When she shakes her head, he brings her back toward him, and she flicks her tongue over him. “Hands on me.”

She grips his thigh with one hand, digging her nails into his skin, and fondles his balls with the other as he feeds her his length again. Her tongue works wonders as he rolls his hips back and forth, taking control of the pace. When she squeezes his thigh, he takes it as a sign to move faster and go deeper, hitting the back of her throat with each thrust.

“Good girl,” he says, and her hum of pleasure sends vibrations through him. “You take me so well. Fuck, I love your throat. Is this what the guy from the book did? Huh? Is this what you wanted?”

With Noah’s hands on her head, Alina’s nod is barely imperceptible, but it’s enough. Mascara trails down her cheeks as he fucks into her mouth, saliva running down her chin. She takes it like a champ, gripping him tightly and keeping her eyes trained on his. She looks fucking gorgeous with her swollen lips wrapped around him, taking him as well as anyone ever has, and it’s all combining to drive him closer and closer to the edge.

He’s not ready for this to end yet, so it’s almost a relief when Alina releases her tight grip on his leg and taps his thigh, signalling she needs a breather. He pulls her off him, and as she gasps for breath, he lifts her by the armpits to her feet, ignoring her choked whimpers as he spins her around to face the bookshelf. Her legs shake as she stands, so he keeps an arm wrapped around her until she regains her composure and braces herself against the shelves. When she pushes her ass back into his crotch, he hisses and steps back.

“You ready for me?” Noah smooths his hand over her bottom, revelling in the delicious curves that remain hidden beneath her skirt.

“Oh my god, yes!” she responds with a breathy voice.

“Yes, what?”

“Yes, please—sir!”

He flips her skirt up around her waist and yanks down the thin strip of fabric that passes for underwear, sucking in a breath at the sight of her. Her soft, pale skin beckons to him, and before he even registers what he’s doing, a sharp crack fills the air as his hand comes down hard upon it, followed by a yelp that turns to a soft moan.

“You deserve to be punished,” he snarls as he repeats the motion, delighting in her hums of pleasure. “All those months of teasing me, making me clean up after you. If you wanted me, you could’ve saved yourself the trouble.”

Alina looks over her shoulder, the smirk on her face temporarily interrupted by a flinch as he spanks her again. “But then you wouldn’t have needed to punish me, sir.”

He groans as he leans his body over hers, wrapping a hand loosely around her throat to pull her back towards him. “I’m sure we could’ve made something work.”

Her logic is sound, though, he thinks as he shifts his hand down to pinch her nipple through her shirt, earning a curse from her lips. The months of jerking off to the fantasy of teaching her a lesson have done their work to build up the tension between them in a way that wouldn’t have been possible if she’d simply slipped him her number. She’d read him like a book, seeing beyond the gentle, professional front he put out to the debased depths within him. Somehow, she figured out exactly which buttons to press to get him to this point.

Noah might be the one doling out punishment, but Alina is firmly in control.

And he loves it that way.

He’s struck with the urgent need to be inside her, only to realize that he wasn’t exactly expecting to be engaging in these types of activities at work today.

“Fuck… Please tell me you have a condom.”

“Purse,” she replies, pointing to the handbag that lies on its side on the floor, having been knocked over at some point. “Front pocket.”

Easily accessible. That’s good, and it doesn’t take long for Noah to find one.

“I’m going to make you scream so loud, the shelves shake,” he rasps as he rips open the foil packet and rolls the protection on.

“Aren’t you supposed to shush me?” Alina teases, giving her ass a jiggle.

“Maybe next time.” He gives it another slap, deepening the red mark that’s formed on her skin. “If that’s what you’re into.”

Before she can respond, he glides the tip of his cock up and down her slit, covering it with her wetness, and she visibly shivers, her back arching as she rocks back against him. It’s so tempting to just fill her and proceed to fuck her brains out, but after all the teasing she’s been doing to him, he can’t resist holding out just a little longer.

Slowly, he pushes in until his cockhead is swallowed by her warmth, and then he stops, holding her hips in place. She whines, begging him for more, trying to fight against his powerful grip to take more of him.

“You want me to go deep, do you?” he growls.

“Fuck, yes! I need you!” Alina’s eyes are pleading as she cranes her neck to look over her shoulder at him, her lips full and pouty. “God, I need to be fucked so bad.”

Noah sinks in just a tiny bit further, not even an inch. “Have you thought about this moment? Dreamt of it?”

“Yes, oh my god, fuck yes — every fucking night since I first saw you!”

“And you’d get yourself off fantasizing about this? About me taking you against these shelves?”

“Urnnggh—yes!”

They’re both trembling now with anticipation and the need for more. Noah’s cock is throbbing, aching to be inside her, and Alina is bent almost in half, her fingers white as they clutch the shelves. She’s practically sobbing as she begs for him to move, to seat himself fully within her and fuck her until she can’t walk straight.

Noah can’t wait anymore. But instead of thrusting his hips, he yanks her roughly back onto him. Alina screams as he plunges all the way into her with no resistance, then again as he pulls out and slams into her again. He doesn’t give her any time to adjust to his size, just relentlessly pounds into her, fuelled on by the strangled curses and guttural moans that fall from her lips.

Thrusting sharply into her, he wraps a hand around her throat again, making her arch her back so deeply as she turns her head in his direction, her mouth gaping and her eyes rolling into the back of her head. Her hair is mussed up and her blouse is soaked with her sweat, making her almost unrecognizable from the woman who came into the library earlier in the evening, all sweet and innocent. He almost wishes he’d stripped her before fucking her, but her dishevelled look is incredibly sexy.

Drawing her back against his chest, he lowers his hand from her neck to her breasts, kneading the soft flesh and pinching her nipples, making her gasp. God, she’s trembling, crumbling in his arms, and it’s addictive. He fumbles with the buttons on her shirt before giving up and yanking the fabric until they fly off, scattering on the floor. Shoving his hand inside, he pulls down the lacy bra cups, freeing her hardened peaks and tweaking them as he rocks his hips into her.

Noah knows he’s not going to last much longer, and from the way Alina’s clenched tightly around him, her body quivering, he can tell she’s right there with him. Moving his other hand from her hip around to her front, he finds the heat between her legs and thumbs her clit, pressing hard until she’s writhing in his embrace. He does his best to keep up his steady pace, but it’s so hard to concentrate when she’s practically falling apart in his arms.

Bending his knees to get a better angle, he gives her a hard thrust, and she breaks. Her walls spasm around him and her knees buckle as she reaches the peak, her choked cries filling Noah’s ears as he rocks into her again and again, not letting her come down until she’s sent right over the edge again. His hips stutter, and he’s pretty sure there’s blood running down his chin from biting his lip so hard because she’s so fucking tight around him that it all becomes too much, until finally, with a loud grunt of his own, he lets himself go.

His knees buckle beneath him as he empties himself, and together they fall against the shelves, panting and shaking with the aftershocks of what was, for him at least, one of the most earth-shattering sexual experiences he’s ever had. All the months of his annoyance and desire warring within him were worth it for the way everything boiled over into such mind-blowing sex as he’d previously only read about in novels and fantasized about in the dead of night.

It takes him a moment to register the fact that being pinned between a hard body and a hard bookcase can’t be comfortable, but when he finally comes to his senses, he pulls out of her and makes sure she’s steady on her feet. Alina looks well and thoroughly fucked, and if he weren’t so sensitive, he’d be stroking himself to the picture she creates. Her blouse gapes open, and the soaked fabric does nothing to cover the dark, still-hard nipples beneath them. Her hair is wild, matching the look in her eyes, and her swollen red lips are somehow still turned up into a mischievous smirk.

Despite his previous opinion of her, it makes him want to know more. To understand who she is on a deeper level, to add context to the list of random facts he knows about her — her name, address, the books she likes, the fact she always returns them on time, and her ability to understand what would make him notice her and act on that instinct. For the first time since their initial meeting, Noah wants to know everything about Alina Pullman.

After tying off the condom and tucking his softening cock back into his boxers, he pulls up his trousers and hastily loops his belt back through the buckle, leaving it hooked on one of the holes — the wrong one, judging by how unusually tight it is — and sticks out his hand.

“I’m Noah, by the way,” he says. He smiles gently as she glances at the offered hand with a raised eyebrow. “Perhaps I should’ve introduced myself before shoving my dick down your throat.”

She laughs and returns his handshake, and he’s pleased to note that it’s just right — not limp, but not too firm.

“Alina,” she responds, her eyes dancing with mirth.

“I know.”

She laughs again, nodding. “Of course.”

“So, how did I compare?” Noah asks as he fixes his belt, stealing a glance at her.

“Huh?” She tilts her head as she tries to right her own clothing, though there’s no way she’ll be able to go out in public with her blouse in the state it’s in.

“To the guy in the book.” He nods toward the shelf, before bending over to pick up his shirt.

“Oh!” A soft blush forms on her face, deepening the redness that still lingers from their tryst. “Pretty favourably, I think.”

“Oh, yeah?” Noah straightens, the corners of his lips twitching in satisfaction. “I imagine that’s quite a compliment.”

“Yeah…” Alina plays with her hair, twisting the ends around her fingers as she bites her lower lip.

“Look, I… Would you like to go out? For a drink or something to eat, or something?”

“Um…” She looks down at her clothing. “I’m not really in any shape to go anywhere. Another time, though?”

Guilt and shame wash over him as he realizes she still has to get home looking like that. He’s not sure if she has a car or takes transit, but there’s no way he’s going to take what he wants from her and then let her do the walk of shame with her blouse ruined by his hands.

He squats down to search for the fallen buttons, placing them in her hand when he stands up again.

“I think I have a jumper in the back, if you’d like to borrow it.”

A relieved look crosses her face. “Really? That would be great.”

Intertwining his fingers with hers, he leads her to the employees-only section of the building, pointing her to the loo to clean herself up while he heads to the staff break room. There, he finds one of his favourite knitted jumpers on a hanger. It’ll be far too large for her, but his heart skips a beat anyway at the thought of her wearing it.

Noah knocks on the bathroom door, and when she opens it a crack, he pushes the jumper through the gap. Alina takes it from him, and when she comes out a short time later, his breath is swept away. She looks just as good as expected, with the jumper swallowing her and reaching to mid-thigh, where just the hem of her skirt is visible beneath it. Her ruined blouse is draped over her arm, and he raises an eyebrow at it.

“It’s too wet to wear,” she explains.

Somehow, that only makes her look even hotter, and his cock strains against his trousers once more.

“Let me take it,” he offers, holding out his hand. “I’ve got a great dry-cleaner. They can fix the buttons, too.”

“Oh, I couldn’t ask you t—”

“I’m not asking,” he says firmly, and she stops short with eyes wide. He extends his palm, face-up, and she wordlessly places the buttons into it before handing him the shirt. “Now we definitely need to see each other again. To give each other back our belongings.”

“Oh?” Alina wraps her arms around herself. “And what makes you think you’re getting this jumper back?”

He growls, lunging forward, but she simply laughs him off and steps back with a gorgeous smirk.

“Come,” she says. “I believe I was promised a drink? And then maybe you’d like to come back to mine?”

With that offer in mind, Noah rushes to finish up his closing tasks as Alina waits for him. After locking the library door behind them, he wraps an arm around her as he leads her to a nearby pub.

It occurs to him as they’re walking that the book she’d been reading still lies on its side on the shelf, out of place.

But it’s fine — it can wait until tomorrow. Someone else can clean it up.

[gellavonhamster]

in the bleak midwinter*: an asoue/atwq peaky blinders au concept

...also known as the idea that’s been living in my brain for what must be a couple of years now; I have reconciled myself with the fact that I will never write this fic because I simply do not have enough patience to think it out and write it down in the way that would give it justice, so here’s a plot bunny or something.

This is basically the Sugar Bowl Generation of VFD (still young, before kids and all) meets All The Wrong Questions (some of the events + some of the kid characters of ATWQ as adults) meets season one of Peaky Blinders, but I guess it could be read and understood without the knowledge of the latter simply as an organized crime AU.

It’s the beginning of the interwar period, and VFD is a gang. Which, yes, would require a certain amount of OOC of the characters, though I imagine their intimidation tactics would still avoid too much bloodshed. They deal with bookmaking, contraband, and sometimes art forgery because even this version of VFD has to have something sophisticated about it. There’s a number of places, such as bars and clubs, that pay them for protection, and there’s also a number of places they own, such as the Hotel Denouement with the Denouement brothers in charge and the nightclub ran by Ramona Browning**, alias the Duchess (her father was some kind of aristocracy, see, too aristocratic to ever truly acknowledge her). They use their influence to become the informal rulers of their part of the City. They claim to strive for power to make the City a better place, and these are not just words - they do donate money to schools and libraries, for example - but it’s not like they don’t enjoy being in power, and their rule is still based on crime, those who threaten it being eliminated swiftly. 

The Snickets are the Shelby family of this AU, of course. Lemony is Tommy - the mastermind, already a legend of sorts despite being the youngest, plagued by the horrors of war - but still hoping for the best, strange as it seems, because he’s still Lemony. Jacques is Arthur, the fighter suffering from PTSD. Kit is Ada, but she’s also Aunt Polly - she’s the one who ran the business while the boys were in the army. 

Now, season one introduced Grace Burgess as an undercover police informant spying on the Peaky Blinders.

Enter Ellington Feint.

Ellington’s father, the only family she has left, has been kidnapped by a gang called the Inhumane Society, and she’d do anything and everything to save him. So she agrees to infiltrate VFD, their rival gang, to find out the whereabouts of a shipment of weapons that was meant for the Society but was accidentally stolen by VFD. Apart from machine guns and shells, the shipment includes some “statue of a sea beast”, and no one cares to provide more explanations to Ellington about it, but apparently it is the most important part of that cargo. So Ellington takes on the position of a barmaid in The Black Cat Bar, one of the places that pay VFD for protection and the one frequented by its key members, and starts listening and watching.

Ellington needs to get close to the Snickets, because if anyone knows where the weapons are, it’s them. Steward Mitchum, the corrupt cop on the Society’s payroll whom she is to meet from time to time at the Natural History Museum (which she used to attend with her father) to pass on the information, suggests she should seduce one of the Snicket brothers. The problem is, Ellington has a chance to learn very soon that Jacques doesn’t know much about the stolen cargo, and Lemony is too taken with his girlfriend, the music hall singer Beatrice Baudelaire, to even look at any other woman. There’s no getting between them, even though it seems Beatrice also has something going on with VFD’s bookkeeper Bertrand Markson, and Lemony seems aware of it. 

So Ellington decides to approach Kit instead. Kit, who seems so lonely - Ellington doesn’t know the details, but there was some serious falling-out between her and her ex-boyfriend, who has since left the City (and won’t appear in this story. Olaf is the problem for the hypothetical season two of this imaginary show). Ellington doesn’t plan on anything other than a very close friendship - yet, the closer they become, the more she understands that she is attracted to Kit.

(There certainly is a variant of the “I warn you, I’ll break your heart” - “Already broken” scene in which Ellington sings to Kit)

Anyway. Things progress, and they fall in love. Well, Kit seems to have fallen in love, and Ellington keeps trying to persuade herself that she hasn’t, because Kit has to remain nothing but a task for her.

The location of the stolen weapons, however, still remains a mystery, even though Ellington once hears Kit and Lemony discuss it. Whatever the statue is, Lemony seems to believe it has great powers, and Kit seems to believe it’s nothing but folklore. Lemony tells her of the stories of a mysterious sea animal (or spirit, or whatever it may be) he heard from other soldiers during the war, about what Widdershins heard during his time in the navy. Kit tells him that everyone is a believer in a foxhole, and that she loves W like her own kin but he’s a bragging idiot. There was nothing on the sea other than enemy ships.

Elllington’s mission is complicated by Lemony clearly not trusting her. He tells her it’s because his sister has been hurt before, but she suspects it’s more than that. He even admits that he had his people make enquiries in Paltryville, the town she claims to have come from, and found out that no Ellington Feint ever lived there. When he suggests her secrecy is due to a child born out of marriage, she is eager to confirm that. (Cue him asking her if she’s read Les Misérables - yeah, even this version of VFD would be literature nerds, how can it be otherwise - because this whole situation reminds him of Fantine, and her lying that she hasn’t and thinking that she’s more of a Javert at the barricade, really).

Then there’s a masquerade party at the Duchess’s club, and Kit takes Ellington there as her date. (Which is okay, because if there’s any place in the City where a woman dancing with another woman or a man dancing with another man would not be looked at askance, it’s the Duchess’s club. If I was actually writing a fic, there would definitely be a scene in which Ellington observes Beatrice asking Bertrand to dance with her and Bertrand trying to decline by telling her that, since he didn’t have time to procure a mask, he shouldn’t be on the dancefloor at all, and then Lemony approaches him with a spare mask in hand and encourages him to dance with Beatrice and puts the mask on Bertrand himself and it somehow looks so intimate as if he’s undressing him and Ellington’s like “Oh, so it’s like that with them. This is probably of no use to me but still, good to know”). 

When Kit disappears at some point, Ellington follows her quietly and eavesdrops on her conversation with one of the Denouements. He tells her that his brother is all right and sends his regards. Later at the party, however, Ellington sees two Denouements. Why would one of them send the other’s regards to Kit if they’re all in the same room? A couple of drinks with the already tipsy Olivia (officially a fortune-teller, but who knows what purposes VFD really uses her salon for?), and Ellington learns that there used to be three Denouements, actually. But the third brother, Dewey, had a conflict with one of rival gangs which nearly resulted in a war, had not Lemony agreed to dispose of Dewey. To stop that gang from going against VFD, he killed Dewey with his own hands.

Except he didn’t, Ellington thinks. Lemony must have staged Dewey’s execution, and now he’s out there very much alive. Perhaps this knowledge will come in handy.

Meanwhile, the Inhumane Society, who have other beef with VFD apart from the stolen weapons, are getting impatient. There’s a gun-fight which results in Ike Anwhistle dying and his grieving widow, Josephine, telling Lemony it is all his fault and leaving the city. (I know I said this is based on s1 only, but they’re the John and Esme Shelby of this story). And Bertrand is severely wounded. VFD needs another bookkeeper while he’s recovering, and Kit, who knows from The Black Cat’s owner Dashiell Qwerty that Ellington has also been keeping the books of the bar lately and doing it well, offers this position to her. This gives Ellington an opportunity to learn more about the asserts and resources of VFD - and a chance to discover some interesting notes scribbled next to the name of Dewey Denouement. Dewey Denouement, who is only officially dead, but still has a grave at the cemetery.

Ellington tells Stew she has an idea where the weapons and/or the statue might be hidden.

When she meets some of the members of the Inhumane Society to take them to the tomb, she is surprised to see Hangfire himself among them. She’s only seen him in passing before, this mysterious man with his face covered in bandages. They say he’s been horribly disfigured during the war. They also say he came back mad. When they’ve done some digging and unearthed, instead of a coffin, several crates of guns - and opened one of them to find a small statue of what seems like a very scary seahorse - Mitchum and Flammarion are suddenly shot down, and Lemony Snicket steps from behind a gravestone. 

He’s been following them.

Of course he didn’t believe that all Miss Feint is hiding is an illegitimate child, Lemony tells them as he’s holding Hangfire at gunpoint. He’s been doing research. In fact, the man whose grave they’ve unearthed is presently in a unique position allowing him to make research away from the City. He’s found out that Ellington Feint is the daughter of a renowned naturalist Armstrong Feint, who’s recently gone missing. And then they managed to discover something more. 

This is when Hangfire grabs a gun and points it at Lemony, and Lemony aims at Ellington instead, which for some reason stops Hangfire from shooting. 

This is also when it turns out that Lemony has also been followed, and Kit Snicket steps from behind another gravestone, pointing a gun at her brother. He keeps aiming at Ellington, wearily telling Kit she isn’t really going to shoot him. 

Kit tells him that unless he drops the gun, he’ll find out.

(When Ellington tries to speak to Kit, she just tells her to shut up. And it hurts, because Kit has stopped being just a mission a long time ago. And now she knows that Ellington’s been lying to her from the start. And she may not want Ellington to die, but she would also hardly ever forgive her. And that would be fair).

And then Hangfire tries to shoot Kit, and Ellington screams, and Kit manages to spring back, and Lemony fires at the man who tried to kill his sister, and suddenly Hangfire is bleeding out on the ground and calling out to Ellington in her father’s voice. 

That is what they’ve also found out about Hangfire, Lemony tells her as she’s kneeling beside the body, unable to bring herself to uncover his face. He sounds genuinely surprised; he thought she knew.

Kit makes him let Ellington go and tells her she doesn’t want to see her ever again. And Ellington leaves. She takes a train to some seaside town she’s never heard of before and leaves. Her job is ended. Her father is dead. Her love affair that never should have happened is in the past. She still doesn’t know why her father lied to her when he could have just asked and she would’ve done anything, why he kept up this double life, what was the significance of the statue and what it might become in the hands of someone like Lemony Snicket. She is too tired and sick of it all to try to find out.

She manages to build a life in Stain’d-by-the-Sea. She works in a coffee shop and sings there in the evenings. She never sings the song she sang to Kit again. She marries a man she doesn’t have any truly strong feelings for.

Then, a year or so later, there’s a phone call, and the voice of the woman she loved and betrayed tells her she still can’t stop thinking of her.

*This phrase used by the Peaky Blinders upon the death of one of them is replaced by “The world is quiet here”. Obviously.

**My Last Duchess, referenced in ASOUE in connection with R, is written by Robert Browning.

[kookies2000]

Third after story! The longest one. At least six chapters or ten. It's also my favorite because I got to insert Duck Tale authors into this one. Katie, Dalek and Jordan being a few. As a thank you for always supporting me. Hope any author who is in this story feels like I did you justice!

"Let the Games Begin!" 

The family reunion is finally here after being delayed multiple times. Many are entering to compete in The Battle of the Gods. The Mcducks are excited to represent the Goddess of Love, until the games start getting too intense. Competitors are letting personal grudges take over to the point where people might actually get hurt or worse.

###

"Abigor and I were really close when we were kids, but I still have bonds with other cousins, you know." Lizzette said plainly as they walked across the beach.

"Really? You always talked about Abigor. What other cousins are you close to?" Webby asked in her usual cheery tone.

"Lizzette?" Everyone heard an even more cheerier tone from a distance. In the crowd they could see an orange colorful bird jumping up and down. With each jump getting him closer to them.

"Lizzette, it's really her!" The bird cheered at the top of his lungs. He jumped over the entire crowd like a cartoon character on a trampoline. Each jump got higher until he was right above them.

"Lizzette!" The brid zoomed right past them smashing himself onto a giant rock in the sand.

"Oh!.... Is he ok?" Huey cringed at the sight. As if nothing happened, the orange and yellow bird peeled away from the rock as if he was a sticker. The strange physics freaked out some of the teens except for Lizzette.

"Cartoon logic, you always did want that power." Lizzette laughed before being tackled into a hug.

###

"Are we seriously going to die here?" Louie shouted in terror. He felt his hand slip away from Webbys and could feel himself getting sucked deeper into the crowd. People were getting tossed out of line making them out of the race. It was crazy, people kept shoving everyone out of bounce, many flew over him and some even slipped past him making him feel extremely uncomfortable.

"Excuse me Mr!" He felt a young white duck squeeze past him. He nearly tripped from how small this girl was. She slipped past everyone as if she was made of liquid.

"Kate!" A brown dog that was flying over the crowd looked down at her, "You know you can travel underground?"

"Oh! Thanks Gabby." Katie waved to the dog that was clearly in her team. In a blink of an eye, the Katie girl transformed her body into water and she sank into the dirt below. Louie couldn't help but look in amazement. So many descendants of greek gods and their friends were gifted with powers he's never even heard of.

###

"Who's cleaning this up?" Huey felt slightly intimidated by the team's loud enthusiasm.

"Sorry." Gabby groaned as she grabbed a towel from the counter, "Some of our team members can get a little reckless."

With that, Gabby snatched the bottle out of Rebeys hands and replaced it with the towel.

"Hey! Let's have a little fun tonight. We all made it to the next round against hundreds! Starting Monday we're going to be competing in the Battle of the Gods!" Rebey let out a rough cheer as she jumped down to clean the spill.

"I like to keep the dorms clean this time." Gabby glared down at the girl.

"So, team Demeter huh?" Louie confidently walked up to the lady and leaned on the counter, "I hear you guys are the big shot here?"

"We won the Battle of the Gods four years in a row." A black duck appeared right behind him. Louie let out a loud squeak of fear before coughing behind his arm.

"Four years?" Louie cleared his throat of any cracks. He didn't even notice there was a brown and black dog next to the duck. Her curly hair held into a loose bun. The black duck gave a smirk and nod. He wore mostly black clothing with two long swords behind his back forming an X.

"The names Ninja." The guy held out his hand for a shake. Louie took the hand shake and looked at the guy questionably.

"Ninja? Like the Japanese ninja guys?" He asked.

"Yep, it's a nickname." Ninja let out a low giggle. Louie felt a little intimidated by the guy's presents. Just from the way he quietly showed up out of nowhere.

"So, you want to tell me your real name." Louie asked hopefully.

"Nope." Ninja winked playfully before walking away. The brown and black dog, who looked like she was about to explode from excitement, grabbed Louie's hand and shook it so hard he swore his wrist was about to be torn off.

"Salutations my friend! The names Mimi and I just wanted to welcome you and your team into the dorm rooms!" She chimed without letting go of his hand. Louie had to pull his hand away before he could lose it.

"Hi?" He wasn't sure how to respond to this hyper girl.

"Mimi, help me unpack!" Ninja called out.

"Ok!" The excited girl ran off.

"Don't mind them." A dark brown duck walked up to Louie. He shyly put out his hand for a hand shake as well to which Louie took. This guy had a lighter and kinder feel to him. Brown eyes behind some thick glasses and black hair over his forehead, "Christopher, but you can call me Chris."

"Louie." The rich duck felt more comfortable with this guy.

"Don't feel intimidated by us please." A small green hummingbird appeared behind him. This one also had a cute and kind feel to her. Gold round glasses over her warm brown eyes, "Some of our teammates are just over confident about our four year winning streak."

"You guys must be pretty amazing to win four times in a row?" Lena walked into the conversation.

"I wouldn't say amazing." Chris blushed from the compliment.

"No, we're out standing!" The little hummingbird cheerfully clapped her hands in excitement, "Not anyone can say they have a winning streak! If things go well for us this year, it'll be our fifth win. The most any single team has ever won in a row!"

"Easy Jo, we gotta remain humble remember," a much bigger white duck with black spots, placed his hands over her shoulders. The little hummingbird calmed down a bit before backing into the duck's embrace behind her. The black and white duck reached out for a handshake from the two ducks, "The names Jordan, captain of our team. This little lady is the co-captain, Jocabed, Jo for short."

"Hi!" Jo gave an excited wave.

"Don't forget about Katie." The white female duck hopped to their side. She grabbed Lenas hand without her even putting her hand out and violently shook it, "Team Aphroducky huh? Can't wait to compete against you guys. You know, Team Aphroducky hasn't won the Battle of the Gods in over 100 years?"

"What? Why?" Louie was taken back by the news. Lizzette was super talented and won many competitions outside of The Battle of the Gods. Surely the descendents of Aphroducky were powerful.

"I think it might have to do something with the fact that Aphroduckys powers aren't as powerful. Don't get me wrong, she's gorgeous and stunning but……. her powers aren't very useful for competitions so the team captain is usually the first to lose making the team lose."

"Making the team lose? As if the team doesn't have a leader hence they fall, right?" Louie cleared up causing a nod from Katie.

"Well that's going to change today!" Dewey slammed his arm against the table next to them. The microwave still firmly placed over his head, "Lizzette is a great team leader and super skilled with an even superer team behind her."

"You have….. a little……" Katie pointed at her head and looked at the microwaved headed duck in confusion.

"Again?" Webby whined from behind before pulling Dewey back.

"I wouldn't expect much from Lizzette. The girl's talented but this is her first Battle of the Gods so your team isn't expected to get far." A pale white duck with black highlights in her hair walked by them.

"Look who's talking," Rebey laughed as she tossed the towel into the sink, "Jordan was a first timer too and he won without a problem……. thanks to us of course. The most amazing team!"

"Yeah but I was trained by my brothers, who competed by the way, since I was a kid. So I knew what to do and expect as team leader. Lizzette is brand new, if I can give any advice to her it is to remain open to suggestions, communication, and stay flexible." Jordan explained.

"Talk, communicate, flex flex flex, nothing hard, Lizzette can handle it," Rebey was clearly drinking way too much of her grape juice. She leaned against the counter where Violet was sitting and looked at her. Rebeys eye's half open and drooping , "You're a cute one. Seeing you at tonight's party?"

"What?" Violet scooted away from the girl.

"Party, celebration party actually," The white duck with black highlights pulled Rebey aside and had her lean on her, "We have one after every Elimination Race to celebrate the teams that made it."

"Party!" Dewey's voice echoed in happiness from inside the microwave.

"Stop moving." Katie held the blue triplet against the table as Webby pulled onto the microwave.

###

"So every team has a captain and co-captain huh?" Violet was intrigued by the game's concept.

"Usually," Lizzette focused more on her streches than what Violet was trying to strategize. Violet looked down at the duck and noticed she was extremely nervous.

"Who's the co captain in this team?" She asked. Lizzette stood up straight, without even looking at the hummingbird. She let out a loud sigh before speaking.

"Co-captain is optional…… Abigor and I always wanted to be captain and co captain but….." Lizzette didn't need to say more, Violet understood.

"I see….. so about the other teams, how powerful are they?" Violet asked.

###

"Why Violet? Why did you ask?" Dewey cried out, tears nearly falling from fear.

"Don't you think that's enough teasing?" Jo looked at her partner, a small smile forming. Jordan didn't say a thing, with just a wave of his hand he summoned another root from the ground and slammed it against Dewey. Jordan smiled as he slid his hand to the side making the root slam Dewey against a tree and trap him.

"Maybe it is time to take out the big guns. You mind queeny?" Jordan happily looked over at her. Jo shook her head in excitement and clapped her hands. The ground began to shake, letting vines crawl out as if they were arms, letting out the same plant creation Louie fought. Only it appeared a whole lot bigger than the last time Louie faced it.

"Not this again." Lena lightly complained. The plant creature raised it's dirt first in the air and let it fall towards them. Lena formed a shield around her and Violet, blocking the hit. The force was so strong it nearly knocked the shadow girl off her feet.

"And Winnie said this is only her second biggest creation!" Violet tried to speak over the loud slamming sounds.

"Man, that's a strong shield." Jo calmly commented before jumping up in excitement. She cuffed her hands over mouth and shouted, "Harder! Hit it harder!"

The creature seemed to understand her. This time it raised both fists and slammed them down together. Lena and Violet screamed when the hit caused a large crack in the shield.

"No you don't!" A familiar voice cried out. While the plant creature had it's fists down, it felt a sudden weight on it's wrists. Once again, they had turned into gold.

"How did he get past-" Jordan looked around for the green triplet until one of his teammates came in.

"So sorry!" Katie jumped into the flower platform still in her water from, "He slipped past us by turning Sophie into gold."

"She's gold?" Jo gasped.

"Ninja is half gold as well. I only escaped because-"  Katie got interrupted.

"Thought you could run!" Louie jumped up and tried to tackle Katie. The girl let out a squeak of fear before letting herself sink into the ground in her water form. Louie fell onto his shoulder, wincing in pain, "Dang it! I hate it when she does that!"

"Planta!" Jo yelled out to her plant creation. In a split second, the plant creature stretched out one of it's vines to attack Louie. Thinking fast, Louie rolled away from the vine and the moment the vine hit the platform he grabbed it. In seconds the vine turned to gold, making the creature stuck again.

"Thought you get the best of me again?" Louie stood up with an expression filled with determination.

###

"Don't take it personally!" Louie and Lena felt a pair of arms wrap around behind their shoulders, "My team has a soft spot for you guys."

"Are you sure about that?" Webby winced when Dewey waddled his way to the couch from all the pain.

"Ice….. he has ice powers too? I thought Sophie was the only one with ice powers." Dewey flopped on the couch.

"I thought Jordan only had plant-like powers?" Lena commented. Katie nodded her head yes before releasing them from her grip.

"That's true but he is the descendent of Demeter. Meaning he has the same powers as her……" Katie looked down at Dewey with a cheery face, "That includes weather like winter. And from the looks of it, he seems to dislike you."

"It's because I ruined one, one date between him and the co captain." Dewey cried out, half in pain and half from fear.

"Ah, that explains it," Katie walked up to the fridge and grabbed some ice packs.

###

"I hate this!" Louie tried to keep his balance but the room kept on spinning and spinning. Throwing his whole team around as if they were inside a washer machine.

"Where's the target?!" Dewey tried to reach out for the violin but the room again shook and made the violin fall down the stairs.

"Violet!" Lena cried out for her sister, still trying to make her way across the room. Soon, a chair swiped past her, making her lose balance and slide away.

"I can't even tell where I am!" The team heard Violet's voice but couldn't find her.

"Why didn't any of us choose an agility power?" Huey kept running away from all the falling debri until the room turned to it's right. He leaned to the open doors beneath him and fell right in. He was now inside what looked like a basement.

"The target!" Violet was at the corner, pointing at the target that was nailed to the wall above them.

"How are we supposed to get that?" Huey was in a panic and couldn't think.

"I got this!" They heard Gosalyn cheer as if nothing was wrong. In a blink of an eye, a rubber ball slammed against the target making the room stop spinning. The ball bounced off the walls multiple times before returning to it's red haired owner.

"So happy I chose a strength related power!" Gosalyn laughed and fist bumped the air. 

###

"How have we made it this far? I don't know!" Louie cried out, "I just want the rooms to stop changing every second!"

"Nothing in the room beyond this wall either." Violet came back through the wall. She looked just as disappointed as the rest of her team.

"What if we wait for another team to come our way?" Boyd suggest, "They might know a way out of the labyrinth?"

"Last thing we're doing is teaming up with any other team," Lizzette said, "You saw what happened. Apollo's team nearly lost when they tried to team up with Zeus's team."

"True," Lena lightly hit the wall with the back of her head, "So what should we do?"

"I'll check the room below." Violet said before jumping through the floor below them.

"We can't keep relying on Violet to check every room. We have to come up with a strategy." Huey was tired of going in circles.

"Hueys right, we're just wasting time checking every room." Louie agreed.

"And who knows what Violet will find." Webby thought.

"What do you mean by that?" Dewey asked. As if in cue, the team heard Violet scream from the room below.

"Vi!" Lena panicked. She laid down and placed her ear against the floor, "What's happening?!"

###

"So you're telling me there's someone out there actually trying to hurt us?" Mimi was nervously pacing back and forth.

"Someone? There's more than one person," Huey concluded, "Every team had their captain or co captain hurt to the point where they couldn't continue the games. That takes more than one person."

"Ok but who would do that? You saw how messed up the Apollo team was. The captain can't even walk properly. He's too scared to continue the games!" Lizzette was just as scared as everyone.

"Which is probably what they want," Huey said, "Whoever is attacking the teams either has a grudge against them or is trying to win by default."

###

Super excited! And thank you to the authors that agreed to make cameos in my story. Mimi is @ilovebhna .

[snicketstrange]

The Dark Day and The Sugar Bowl

My theory about having a radioactive stone or the powder of a radioactive stone inside the SB was criticized by very qualified judges. Their names are Dante and Hermes, and they volunteer for Dark Avenue 667.

  Dante      demonstrated that Esmé's sugar bowl could contain information. I will quote you here for clarity: Neither of these statements indicate that the contents of the sugar bowl pose a direct physical danger in themselves; merely that using them would have wide-ranging repercussions. If the villains can't get their hands on the sugar bowl, the risk is always that those repercussions will come to pass; consequently, if the villains can get their hands on the sugar bowl, they'll be able to act with impunity. This is a valid interpretation. Lemony's hint in TSS is as follows: I have at last learned the whereabouts of the evidence that will exonerate me, a phrase which here means "prove to the authorities that it is Count Olaf, and not me, who has started so many fires." Your suggestion, so many years ago at that picnic, that a tea set would be a handy place to hide anything important and small in the event of a dark day, has turned out to be correct. -Lemony Snicket, TSS p. 101 The evidence in question does not only prove Lemony innocent; it proves Olaf guilty - apparently unambiguously and elegantly. It is easy to see why Count Olaf would find this evidence desirable. (The exact nature of the evidence is unclear and seems narrow in scope, which is perhaps one reason why it ultimately could not be revealed.) A point: A container in which to secure something safely may indicate something dangerous, but it may also indicate something fragile. TGG p. 178 clarifies that the sugar bowl has a "tight-fitting lid"; a necessity if you want to keep anything in it while throwing it down rivers and so on, but this also implies that it's watertight, and that whatever is inside may be perishable or otherwise easy to damage. It was generally agreed back in the day that the "classic" use for sugar bowls was probably for something along the lines of privately passing information or small objects during dinner parties or other meetings; consider how easy it would be to place something small inside a sugar bowl whilst seeming to take sugar, and for the other party to then retrieve it. Listening devices have also been proposed, which would allow coded communication to be potentially overheard but would also allow suspicious conversations to be recorded; it's easy to see how such a recording might incriminate a person who had set a lot of fires, for example, or more pertinently, to exonerate somebody who had not. Something like this I think is probably what is indicated by Lemony's statement on the subject in TSS.

Hermes     , however, showed the apparent contradiction in this interpretation. Speaking about the secret letter in TSS, Hermes said:

"This letter is possibly the most paradoxical thing in the whole of ASOUE. It implies that the Sugar Bowl contains the evidence that will exonerate Lemony, although this does not seem to fit what we hear of its significance anywhere else." I believe Hermes was referring to passages like the ones that Dante and I cited in a recent theory that I will write here for clarity: "Our enemies capturing the sugar bowl would be as troubling as their capture of the Medusoid Mycelium." - Dewey, chapter 8 TPP. "The sugar bowl is on its way to the hotel even as we speak, and I'd hate to think what would happen if our enemies got ahold of it. I can't imagine anything worse, except perhaps if our enemies somehow got ahold of the Medusoid Mycelium. " - Kit Snicket , TPP p. 36 I was defending the idea that the SB contained some kind of radioactive material. But even a radioactive stone would not cause a disaster similar to what Medusoid Mycelium can do. Similarly, even information that could clear Lemony and accuse Olaf would actually do similar damage to Medusoid Mycelium. Medusoid Mycelium is a weapon of mass destruction that can cause an epidemic. Medusoid Mycelium can be grown easily and could be used to cause worldwide chaos in the event of coordination of villain efforts. In addition, we have some interesting statements from Captain W regarding the SB content: "My stepfather says that if the sugar bowl falls into his hands, then all of the efforts of all the volunteers will be for naught ... "He said it was better I didn't know ... He said people had been destroyed for knowing such enormous secrets, and that he didn't want me in that sort of danger. "- Fiona, TGG Chapter 3. That's why I haven't told you why the sugar bowl is so very crucial. There are secrets in this world too terrible for young people to know, even as those secrets get closer and closer. - W., TGG, Chapter 4. "It's not the sugar bowl," Captain Widdershins said, "it's what's inside it. - W. TGG, Chapter 6 What Captain W makes it clear is that there is a terrible secret within the SB. Let me fix this. Captain W makes it clear that there are huge secrets (in the plural) within the SB. And from there everything becomes more interesting.

Let's go back to the TSS secret letter. There is a strong indication that the use of a sugar bowl to protect and hide information was Kit Snicket's idea. Kit Snikcet is more than the sister of Lemony Snicket and mother of Beatrice Jr. Kit Snicket is known as the creator of the submarine Quequeeg. This seems to indicate that in his youth, Kit was able to create highly technological mechanical devices, like a submarine in which only a captain and two crewmen are needed. (Compared to submarine C, in which a large number of humans are required using arm force to move the submarine). I just want to highlight Kit Snicket's genius. Lemony's letter to Kit reveals for what purpose Kit had the idea of ​​using an SB. Lemony wrote: "Your suggestion, so many years ago at that picnic, that a tea set would be a handy place to hide anything important and small in the event of a dark day, has turned out to be correct." - Lemony Snicket on the secret letter in TSS. The original objective of SB was to protect something small and important in the event of a Dark Day. What is a Dark Day? In North America, something called Dark Day happened on May 19, 1780. An unusual darkening of the day sky was observed over the New England states and parts of Canada. (You can search for it on Wikipedia). But what caused this Dark Day? Wikipedia says: "The primary cause of the event is believed to have been a combination of smoke from forest fires, a thick fog, and cloud cover. The darkness was so complete that candles were required from noon on. It did not disperse until the middle of the next night. " In other words, that Dark Day was caused by a big fire. So the SB's goal is likely to be to protect something small and important from a Big Fire. Although Kit was responsible for giving the idea, the implementation of the idea to protect it came from Esmé. The sugar bowl serves as a protection against fire (and apparently also against water and other weather). But why could a Dark Day be so dreaded as to need a fireproof container? And what could this container contain? One of the biggest reasons that fires are so destructive is that fires destroy libraries. Large libraries throughout the real history and throughout the fictional history of ASOUE have already been lost to major fires. What if it was possible that all crucial information in a library could be compressed to the point of being fit into a portable device? Well ... It exists in our universe! In fact, digital information is just like that. Think about how many books will fit on your SD card on your phone. When ASOUE's books were written, we were in the age of data compression. Daniel Handler spoke about various types of libraries. Did he not leave out digital libraries? After all, there were computers in Prufrock Prep. Of course, we don't necessarily have to imagine a pen drive within the SB. But we can imagine an entire library within the SB. A library that can contain the most different types of secrets, some of which are really dangerous. If Count Olaf (or other enemies)  had access to these secrets, in addition to being able to eliminate important evidence against him, who knows what he would be able to do with all that information! In this case, the damage could be similar to that of the deadly fungus MM. In other words, inside Esme's SB was a big backup with the main secrets kept by VFD. It is likely that there were shameful secrets for VFD, which made Captain W hesitate just thinking about them. In the case of a Dark Day in which all physical libraries were destroyed, the information from those libraries would be saved inside the sugar bowl. And that is why Esme, despite having the SB did not make much use of it. Esme hates to read. She only discovered the value of what she had in hand when she lost it. I mean ... She already valued the SB itself. Let me be canonical so you don't think I took this theory out of thin air. TE chapter 9: The most common use of the word "library," of course, refers to a collection of books or documents, such as the libraries the Baudelaires had encountered during their travels and troubles, from the legal library of Justice Strauss to the Hotel Denouement, which was itself an enormous library–with, it turned out, another library hidden nearby. But the word "library" can also refer to a mass of knowledge or a source of learning, just as Klaus Baudelaire is something of a library with the mass of knowledge stored in his brain, or Kit Snicket, who was a source of learning for the Baudelaires as she told them about V.F.D. and its noble errands." At first glance this sentence seems to indicate that the hotel where people slept was a library and that the sub-aquatic library was the hidden library. However, that doesn't make much sense in that sentence. Lemony is defining the library as a collection of information in some kind of media that can be accessed and read. The hotel where people slept was not that kind of library, although the rooms were organized as if it were a library, the function of the hotel itself was not to store information. Thus, the Hotel Denouement that Lemony is referring to here as a library was the underwater library, which Dewey referred to as the real Hotel Denouement.

I will quote a passage for clarity:

TPP Chapter 8: "Exactly," Dewey said. "The truth has been right under everyone's noses, if anyone cared to look past the surface. Volunteers and villains alike know that the last safe place is the Hotel Denouement, but no one has ever questioned why the sign is written backward. They're staying in the TNEMEUONED LETOH, while the real last safe place-the catalog-is hidden safely at the bottom of the pond, in underwater rooms organized in a mirror image of the hotel itself. Our enemies could burn the entire building to the ground, but the most important secrets would be safe. In other words, what was destroyed was TNEMEUONED LETOH and not the Hotel Denouement. "Hotel Denouement" was the name that was written on the entrance to the underwater library.

So the library that was hidden nearby that Lemony refers in TE chpater 9 to here was something else. And I deduce that this other thing is the content of the SB.

[incomingalbatross]

Okay, it’s been a day and now I have mostly-coherent thoughts on Let’s Get Dangerous, so I am writing them out. Spoilers under the cut!

There were things I like and things I didn’t like, honestly. I’m gonna start with the negatives.

...I’m just gonna say it: I don’t love New Gos as much as Gos Classic. Which, to be fair, I kinda expected, because that’s a really high bar!! New Gos is a good kid, just... not quite what I expected. She’s clearly older, for one thing, and more... toned-down?

In general, I would say she’s a little less baby than Gos Classic, and a little more YA Punk Heroine. Which is valid. It just doesn’t make for an instant bond, for me.

I am... also genuinely disappointed by the final offer of “wanna be my crimefighting partner?” I mean, it makes perfect sense for where they’re at, as opposed to their original counterparts--not only are they planning to find her Grampa, but we already got the “You’re not my family!!” and I guarantee you Reboot Drake has internalized that one. He’s trying to look out for her without overstepping! He’s doing his best!

...BUT. But having them end as “partners” and not actual family just feels wrong. (And there’s also added dissonance because I can’t help thinking how much Drake Classic would blow his top at the idea of inviting Gosalyn to fight crime??? Are you crazy??? She’s a KID!!!!)

(...That said: if Reboot Gosalyn is anyone other than Quiverwing Quack next time we see her, I’m suing. But she will be QQ--she’s already been shown with a crossbow and everything! Nice work there, to be fair.)

Related: are we allergic to the word “dad”?? I know it made more sense to say “family” some of the time, since Gos has probably never had parents in her life, but... after a while it felt like there was some Writer Mandate that that was the only usable word. Or maybe that’s a DuckTales thing in general, actually? Not sure. I just feel like “You’re not my dad!” would be a slightly more likely line in context (or “You’re not my Grampa!”) and have packed more of a punch.

Those...were really my only negatives, I think.

On to the positives!

I love Reboot Drake. So much. He’s earnest and endearing and still just ridiculous enough to still be Darkwing... and his Dad Energy was off the charts here, which is the TRUE mark of a Drake Mallard.

Also his voice actor does such a good Darkwing. You can tell he’s put serious study into this.

Okay. OKAY. Taurus Bulba...

TAURUS BULBA IS LANCE. LANCE FROM TANGLED.

I had to pause and then IMMEDIATELY text my sister when I found that out. Like... really??? Congrats, Disney! I wouldnt have said it was possible, but you created a Taurus Bulba I’m unable to hate!!

Also... Dewey. If ever you’ve used your theater kid powers for good, do it now. ...Get us a Musical Episode with Taurus Bulba in it. I need him to have a Villain Song.

Drake being literally the only person ever to NOT know Fenton is Gizmoduck is honestly an EXCELLENT twist on their dynamic. And given their reboot personalities, of course they get along outside of the suit--I mean, they should, but the identity thing means we still get some fun secret-identity conflicts.

No one told me there were this many The Good Place actors here. First Steelbeak turns out to be Derek, then the buzzard is Shawn (EXACTLY the same role too, honestly) and the computer/Ganrda Dee is Tahani?? I JUST watched S4 of TGP, guys. You have to stop hitting me with actors I actually recognize! It’s weird!!

(And then I have to consider things like “Abed and the Tenth Doctor and Lance are all in the same scene. Oh, there’s Shawn from the Bad Place. Oh look--” CONSTANTLY.)

Okay, I’ll admit it: Dewey seeing himself in Gos’s need to find her grampa and deciding to "be her Webby” was really sweet. Good kid.

I enjoyed the name-dropping of DWD villains and actual episode names (although... “Just Us Justice Duck” was underrated? By whom?? It’s a CLASSIC!)

Thing I REALLY appreciate: So 2017 DuckTales is, like, five notches less Cartoony than Darkwing Duck. HOWEVER, in both DW eps so far Drake’s personal physics have seemed to be two or three notches more cartoony than everyone else’s (see: the piano bit in the first ep, and the filing cabinet in this one). This delights me.

They gave us two hummed lines of “Little Girl Blue”and it was still enough to make me go “yoU CAN’T JUST DO THAT”

Miscellany:

The multiverse stuff is has Big Implications and ties in really well to established Darkwing canon, meaning they could really easily meet their original counterparts. It also seems to echo a plot from the comics, if I’m remembering rightly, where a different member of the Family Darkwing got lost between dimensions.

However... this is meta?? Because it means their in-universe Darkwing show is apparently also another reality. Which is WEIRD, because... that one (at least to the point covered in the meta-show) didn’t have a Gosalyn. Or a Launchpad. How can you have a real Darkwing without them?? What is that reality like?? Is the meta-show an accurate representation?? I have QUESTIONS

Also I really really want Gos Classic’s adult self to fall through a portal and hang out with this gang for a while. And her dad too. (Drake Classic would yell at his younger self for letting Gos fight crime, but then he would adopt him. The Dad Instincts are strong... and Reboot Drake could use a non-crazy older Darkwing in his corner!)

[unfortunate-stranger-losers]

Six Baudelaires AU, Part Three {AO3} {Masterlist} {Part One} {Part Two}

Chapter Twenty-Seven → in which Nick finally spills

Justice Strauss ushered the Baudelaires to the elevator as fast as she could, asking them to keep their heads low. As they got in, she said, “Now, Frank just contacted me- I believe it was him, as he had Count Olaf in custody. He’ll be brought to trial, and everything will be alright.” 

“It won’t be.” Lilac said, as Violet clenched her hand tight. “We killed someone.” 

“Oh, Baudelaires,” Justice Strauss said, “It was an accident, and we’ll show that. You can trust the law, children.” 

Nick looked the least convinced out of any of the children, which was saying something, as they all looked as skeptical as they could. 

When the elevator stopped, Justice Strauss escorted them to a room, where she said, “Now, Frank or Ernest arranged this for you. He’ll arrive in the morning to take you to trial.” 

“In the morning?” Violet said. 

“Yes, due to Dewey’s… well, the trial’s been rushed a bit.”  

“Our trial or Olaf’s?” Klaus asked. 

Justice Strauss didn’t answer. “I’m afraid I have to ask you to stay in this room. They’re an adjoining bathroom, if you need it, and a book on law if you want to read. I’ll have Frank or Ernest deliver tea in the morning.” 

“So we’re being kept here?” Violet asked. 

“It’s for your safety.” Justice Strauss said hesitantly. “Please go inside, Baudelaires.” 

Slowly, the children stepped inside, and Solitude let Babbitt out onto the floor when the door swung shut. They heard a click, and Klaus said, “She locked us in.” 

“Maybe we deserve to be locked in.” Violet shuddered. 

“Accident.” Sunny said. 

“Our fault.” Solitude said. 

Nick shook more, and he went to go sit on one of the beds- there were only two provided, but he didn’t look like he’d be getting much sleep. He looked like he was about to break down again. Klaus sat beside Lilac on the other bed, while Sunny and Soli curled up on the floor, hugging each other. 

Violet moved over to Nick, sitting beside him. “You still have your markers?” she asked quietly. 

He nodded, pulling out the pack. He pulled back his sleeve, and then started to write instead of draw. 

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. 

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. 

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. 

Violet didn’t say anything, she just sat beside him for a while and put a comforting hand on his knee. 

“What are we going to do?” Lilac shivered. 

“We’ll figure something out.” Klaus put his head on her shoulder. “There’s always something. And maybe justice will finally prevail.” 

“Or maybe we’ll all die.” Solitude said. 

“We’ll be okay.” Violet said, as Nick drew another Sorry. “So long as we’re together.” 

“Diviso?” Sunny asked, which meant, “What if they try to split us up?” 

They all looked to each other, and then Lilac said, “Then we kill them all and run. Nobody is going to break our family apart.” 

“Never again.” Violet agreed, putting a hand on Nick’s knee. 

“I’m not leaving any of you.” Nick shut his eyes. 

“Never.” Klaus agreed. 

“Never.” Solitude said. 

“Never.” Sunny said. 

Lilac shut her eyes. “I promise. I will protect you. Even if I have to set this world on fire.” 

“And we feel the same for you.” Violet said. 

Nick took a deep breath, and then said, “We always will, Lilac. Please remember that.” And then he put his marker away and said, “Li?” 

“Yes?” 

He shut his eyes. “We need to talk. Alone.” 

Lilac shut her eyes, too, steadying herself. Then she said, “Okay. Klaus, get started on that law book, maybe there’s something that will help us. Violet, you and Nick take the beds, the girls can take the chair, I’ll take the floor.” 

“You take the bed. Carpet looks nice anyway.” Violet said, glancing cautiously at Nick. “Are you sure you don’t want to tell all of us?” 

He nodded. “Just Lilac. And no eavesdropping, please.” 

They nodded; while, as siblings, eavesdropping on each other was something they used to do often, they understood that this was a conversation to be taken in confidence. 

Nick stood up, and Lilac said, “We’ll go to the bathroom and close the door. It might be small-” 

“I’ll be okay.” Nick said, shaking slightly. 

Lilac took his hand and led him to the adjoining room, and she closed the door. Nick stepped away from her and met her eyes, and then stared at her in silence for about a minute, struggling to find words.

Lilac took a deep breath, pushing her hair back. “It’s okay, Nick. You can say whatever you need to say.” 

Then Nick started to cry, and he whispered, “I’m sorry.” 

“What? No! No, you don’t have to be sorry for anything.” 

“I should have told you.” Nick put his hand on his mother’s necklace, blinking away tears. “But I could never… could never find the time. Find the right… and I should have told you, but I…” 

“Nick, it’s okay-” 

“You needed to know first.” Nick backed up as Lilac tried to grab his hand. “It’s your decision who else has to know, so… but there was so little time we could talk alone, and when… when there was, I just… couldn’t say…” 

“Nick?” Lilac was starting to get worried. “What are you talking about?” 

He took a deep breath. “You know I… learned a- a lot of things while I was… captured. And… they were true.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Lilac blinked at him. “What does this have to do with me-” 

“The taxi driver.” Nick said. 

“What about him?” 

Nick took a deep breath. “I know who he was.” 

“Oh?” Lilac stiffened. “Why? Did he hurt you?” 

“No. I… He…” Nick took a deep breath. “His name was Lemony Snicket.” 

Lilac cracked a smile. “Oh my God, his name’s what?” 

“Lilac.” 

“Who names a kid Lemony?” 

“Lilac!” 

“Sorry, sorry, just… is he Kit and Jacques’s brother?” 

Nick hesitated. “Yes.” 

“Okay.” She still didn’t get it. “What does that have to do with us?” 

Nick stared at the ground. He didn’t know how to say it, he couldn’t say it. Please, Lilac, please just don’t feel different. You’re not. You’re our big sister.

“Nick?” 

He finally looked up at her, tears in his eyes, and met her gaze. 

“He’s your Dad.” 

Lilac was silent for what felt like hours, but was likely only a few seconds. Then she laughed. “Nick? What are you talking about?” 

“He… he’s your biological Dad.” 

Lilac shook her head, not processing. “The hell are you talking about? That wasn’t Dad. We’d’ve recognized him.” 

“Because he’s not Bertrand Baudelaire, he’s Lemony Snicket.” Nick said, and his voice broke. “He dated Mom, Lilac. They were engaged before she married Dad.” 

Slowly, it started to dawn on her what he was saying. “What?” 

“I should’ve told you… I should’ve told you that was your Dad before you decided to leave… you- we could’ve gone with him, and I’m sorry-” 

“No.” Lilac shook her head. “No, Nick, this isn’t funny.” 

“I know it’s not!” 

“They were lying. Whoever told you-” 

“Dickhead told me, yeah, but the Quagmires confirmed. We checked the timeline, Li, and the information they found on Snicket, and-” 

“No. No, you’re wrong.” Lilac stepped back, shaking her head, her hair flying, as Nick’s tears got more and more frequent. 

“Lilac! He was engaged to Mom just a couple months before she and Dad got married-” 

“No!” 

“Do the math, Lilac! How soon after their wedding were you born?” 

Lilac shut her eyes. She had done the math, of course she had. “So Mom and Dad messed around before they got married. People do it! It doesn’t mean-” 

“They broke off their engagement almost exactly nine months before you were born, Li.” 

“No.” she shook her head. “Mom would’ve told me- this isn’t real.” 

“We checked the dates, Li!” 

“No! They wouldn’t have- Mom and Dad wouldn’t- they would’ve told me-” 

“You look like him, Li! Did you notice he has the same eyes as you?” 

“No!” 

“Lemony Snicket has been on the run and faking his death since he broke up with Mom, and he just showed up and- and I should’ve-” 

“Stop it!” Lilac shouted, throwing her hands over her ears, as if blocking out his words would make them not true. “Nick, stop it! This isn’t funny!” 

“I’m not joking, I would never joke about this!” Nick was full-on sobbing now. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you and- and you didn’t get the chance to meet your Dad-” 

“He is not my Dad! Bertrand Baudelaire is my father and he always was!” 

Nick shut his eyes. “Yes. Yes, you’re right. He’s your Dad. But you’re half-Snicket, Li, that’s-” 

“No! No! No! No!” 

“Lilac, please-” 

“No! I’m your sister! I AM!” 

Nick froze and then the tears increased. “Of course you are! You’re our sister, you’ll always-” 

“You’re telling me I’m- I’m only half family!” 

“You are our sister!” Nick ran forwards, grabbing her hands, ignoring when she tried to yank them away. “You are our big sister! You always will be! It doesn’t matter what- but you need to know-” 

“He’s not my Dad! You’re my brother!” 

“I am! I am-” 

“I’m your sister! I’m a Baudelaire! I’m not his daughter! I’m a- I”m-” Lilac finally burst, and she collapsed to the floor, sobbing. Nick threw himself down, hugging her as she wept and shook and screamed and refused to believe a single thing he told her. 

“I’m sorry.” he said. “I’m sorry. But you had to know.” 

“I’m not… I’m your sister!” 

“You are.” He wrapped himself more around her. “You always have been, you always will be, and nothing will change that.” 

“Why…” she shut her eyes, and then she cried, “Why would you tell me?” 

Nick held back more tears. “It was better you heard it from me than somebody else.” 

“Please… it’s not funny…” 

“I know.” 

They heard a soft knock on the door, and then Violet’s muffled voice. “Are… are you okay? We heard shouting.” 

Lilac’s eyes widened in panic, and she looked to Nick. He met her gaze, and then said, “You don’t have to tell her. It’s your choice who knows.” 

Lilac shook again, and then she called, “We’re fine. Be right out.” 

“Promise?” 

She held back another sob. “Promise.” 

As soon as she was sure Violet was gone, Lilac turned back to Nick and started to cry again. She put a cold hand on his cheek, just staring at her little brother for a moment, and then she hugged him tight again. 

“I’m sorry.” he said again, and they said nothing more. 

They left the bathroom when Lilac stopped crying, and Nick laid down on the second bed and refuse to get up. Lilac wordlessly accepted Violet’s request to take the first, but she barely slept. Violet and Klaus both passed out on the carpet, with Klaus still pressed against a book, and Solitude and Sunny fell asleep on a chair, with Babbitt snoring on the armrest. 

Around one in the morning, Lilac sat up and said, “You’re not asleep, are you?” 

Nick rolled over and shook his head. After a moment, he asked, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

Lilac bit her lip and shook her head. 

“Okay.” 

They were silent, and then Lilac said, her voice low, “I’m your sister.” 

“Yes.” 

“I’m a Baudelaire.” 

“Yes. Nothing will change that. Ever.” 

They fell into silence again, and then Lilac rolled back over in her bed, curled up, and tried to sleep. 

When morning finally came, they heard a knock on the door, and Lilac got up to answer it, still shaking and not quite sure what was going on anymore. 

As her siblings got up, she opened the door and blinked at either Frank or Ernest. Her heart sank in her chest, and she said, “Hello.” 

“I’ve brought you supplies.” he said blankly. He handed her first a small case, and then a tray of tea. “There are blindfolds in that case.” 

“Blindfolds?” Lilac asked, as the others moved over curiously. 

“Everyone wears blindfolds at a High Court Trial, except the judges, of course. Haven’t you heard the expression ‘Justice is blind’?” 

“Yes,” Klaus said, “But that just means justice should be fair and unprejudiced.” 

“The verdict of the High Court was to take the expression literally, so everyone except the judges must cover their eyes before the trial can begin.” 

“Scalia.” Sunny said, meaning, “It doesn’t seem like the literal interpretation makes any sense.” 

“I also brought tea.” Frank or Ernest said. “I’m sorry there’s no sugar.” 

Violet hung her head. “We are, too.” 

“Not really.” Nick admitted, though he was staring at the ground. 

“I’ll give you time to change, and then escort you to trial.” the manager said. 

He turned to go, and then Solitude said, “We’re sorry.” 

He paused, and then turned, watching them curiously. They all looked over at him, all showing him, with their eyes, that they felt the same. 

He left, and Lilac slowly put the suitcase onto the bed, flipping it open. Inside were six blindfolds, and underneath, six neatly folded outfits. 

“There’s a note.” Violet said. She took the paper and read, “I hope these fit. I know you’ve grown since I’ve seen you last. -Justice Strauss.” 

“It looks just like my favorite dress.” Lilac said numbly, picking up the one meant for her, covered in black lace. 

“They’re beautiful.” Violet picked up her purple dress, and then picked up the outfits to hand to Soli and Sunny. 

Nick picked up his outfit; it looked just like the one he’d just lost, Justice Strauss must have realized that it was his favorite. He felt it, and then said, “It’s not the same. It doesn’t feel like home.” 

Klaus bit his lip as he picked up his suit. “Nothing will.” 

They looked to each other, and then Lilac reached forwards and grabbed Violet and Klaus’s hands. She opened her mouth to say something, but her words died before they emerged. 

Violet smiled and squeezed her palm. “We’ll be okay. Justice will prevail.” she said. 

“And if it doesn’t…” Solitude said, as she and Sunny each hugged one of Lilac’s legs, “We’ll do what you said. We’ll stay together.” 

“Together.” Nick grabbed Klaus’s hand, and looked to Lilac. 

Lilac stared at them all, tears at the edge of her eyes. 

“Together.”

[capostrophe]

I’ve been reading posts about thoughts on ASOUE and I decided to rank the books in order of my favourite to least favourite:

(contains spoilers)

1. The Slippery Slope (Book the Tenth): Lots of VFD exploration and an explanation of what it means, the explanation (finally) of how all the Baudelaires’ ‘relatives’ have all been connected to VFD, the appearance of Quigley Quagmire, the return of Carmelita, brilliant Esme moments, the rise of the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard, and seeing Olaf being afraid of someone for once. Plus some brilliant plots, and seeing Sunny grow into herself a bit more and develop a talent other than just biting. And of course, my favourite ship, Quiglet. I think also it was well-written, and more than redeemed the three books that came before it, which I found a bit silly/pushing it where suspension of disbelief is concerned. This one also had a couple of good insights into the developing theme of how people are more complicated than being categorised into ‘good’ and ‘evil’, with the Bauds and Quigley almost willing to kidnap Esme in order to save Sunny. Plus, there is the forever brilliant line ‘and then we burnt down the swimming pool, which was very difficult to burn down.’ 

2. The Grim Grotto (Book the Eleventh):I know this one was a bit of a filler book between VFD HQ and reaching the Hotel Denouement, but I still loved it. Widdershins was brilliant. The Medusoid Mycelium entered the story. The sugar bowl, oh, the sugar bowl. Good to have a whole book focussing on it. And there was so much exploration of the good/evil conundrum, with Fernald turning out to be Fiona’s brother, Fiona joining Olaf to stay with her family, the involvement of the Anwhistles with the Medusoid Mycelium and the Baudelaires looking back and remembering not only the good times with their parents, but the hard times. Plus there were plenty of humorous moments in this, from Olaf’s weird (ho ho sniggle) laugh (though I’m glad he ditched that later) just because villains should have one, to Carmelita’s song (I still assert that ‘gorgeous’ begins with the letter ‘m’) to the many aye!s. Phil’s return cheered me, especially when he said ‘hooray!’ instead of ‘aye!’, and them making an effort for Violet’s birthday was sweet. Plus, Sunny’s cooking made me hungry, especially the pesto lo mein.

3. The Reptile Room (Book the Second): The one which begun the formula of Olaf showing up in disguise and the Bauds going from relative to relative, and I like that the place they went after Olaf was so happy, at least for a while. Plus I love that Olaf’s disguise in this one was pretty much just a fake beard, and it fooled people. That trope eventually got old, but in this one it was wonderful. Plus the humour was in full swing here, with the whole page of ‘ever,’ Stephano trying convince people the Mamba du Mal must have escaped and then locked itself back in its cage again, and the Baudelaires going to get in the damn jeep. 

4. The Ersatz Elevator (Book the Sixth): Esme was a brilliant addition to the series. She brilliantly satirises people who wear/eat/use things they dislike because of fashion, as does the whole of Dark Avenue, and giving Olaf an (eventual) girlfriend was a good move. We see more sides of him in a relationship, and it eventually turns him from simply an evil villain to a person who still has some normal-person elements to his life, which I think is a good prelude to the eventual message Snicket puts out that people are chef’s salads and simply human rather than purely virtuous/villainous. The Baudelaires’ devotion to the Quagmires was touching, and their quest to rescue them gave the Bauds something more to do than simply wait around for Olaf to show up. Plus it was good to have them back in their old city again, and able to return to places they used to love, with the bittersweet tinge that their old house and family no longer exist. 

5. The Austere Academy (Book the Fifth): I always wondered why none of the Bauds’ guardians sent them to school. Having them at school let us have an aspect of their life we’d missed out on otherwise, seeing them in class, and making friends. I loved that they found friends in the Quagmires, and for once had company their own age other than each other, and finally they have people who believe them about Olaf, and are willing to help them and even risk their lives for them. This was the first book without a semi-happy ending, in that they didn’t really defeat Olaf and he ran off with the Quagmires. Plus Nero’s egotistical concerts were hilarious, Carmelita’s bullying was spot on and the word ‘cakesniffer’ was born. Plus I love the satire of the way people depend too much on computers, thinking that an advanced computer, just by existing, will keep Olaf away. Also makes me think,though, that their advanced computer sounds ancient, and therefore makes me question whether having the internet exist in the Netflix verse is a good idea. 

6. The Penultimate Peril (Book the Twelfth): The entire series seemed to be leading up to this book. The Baudelaires ‘grow up,’ they reach the last safe place and everyone comes back to see justice done (or not, depending on whose side they’re on). I like the layout of the hotel, the simultaneous chapters, and the brief but significant relationship the Baudelaires have with Dewey Denouement. Carmelita’s tomboyishness was amusing, as were Olaf and Esme trying to advertise themselves to single men and women during the trial after they split up. I had been waiting intensely for Olaf and the Bauds to be tried and Olaf to be exposed once and for all, but it was a nice twist for the other judges to be the man with a beard but no hair and the woman with hair but no beard. The scene with the harpoon gun was touching in all the right ways, with the Bauds willing to sacrifice themselves for Dewey, Olaf having a moment where he falters and wonders what else he could do if not the wicked thing and Dewey’s unfortunate and accidental demise. And the Baudelaires ending up teaming up with Olaf made for the most suspenseful ending yet (I feel a lot of the potential leading off from that was a bit wasted in the last book though). Plus the notion that maybe the Baudelaire parents murdered Olaf’s parents really epitomises the whole idea that both sides of the VFD schism did wicked things, no matter what reasons they thought they had. 

7. The Bad Beginning (Book the First): Although in my opinion many of the later books surpassed it, this one is still awesome for beginning it all and introducing us to Snicket land, Olaf’s schemes and the incompetent Mr Poe. The marriage plan was quite a brilliant one, although Olaf’s paedo-ish tendencies towards Violet in this one were a bit creepy. This book introduced us to the way the Baudelaires used their various skills, and I still think Violet’s grappling hook was one of my favourite of her inventions, and her promise to look after her siblings one of my favourite moments with her. Plus having them live with Olaf gave us a good idea of what he was like and what he would be willing to do to get his way, and that understanding of him can be carried through all the books. 

8. The Miserable Mill (Book the Fourth): I have to begin with my favourite aspect of this: Violet and Klaus having to do each other’s thing. And getting the job done, despite inventing not  being Klaus’ thing and researching not being Violet’s. The paying in coupons is a good commentary on the way people can be trapped in dead end jobs, because they can’t make enough to afford to leave, with Sir meanwhile enjoying luxury being another good comment on the way those with plenty often take advantage of those with little. I do like the relationship between Sir and Charles, and Phil’s optimism. Georgina Orwell puzzles me, as she’s one of Olaf’s associates that is neither part of his troupe, nor mentioned again after her death, and I don’t know if she was part of VFD or not, although items of her outfit turned up in the VFD disguise kit, so then again, she might have been. Who was she when she wasn’t Doctor Orwell, then? I wonder. 

9. The Wide Window (Book the Third): This one gets points for Aunt Josephine. As a grammar nazi and someone with anxiety myself, I could relate to her. A lot. The Anxious Clown restaurant was one of my favourite bits, and I have a soft spot for Larry the Waiter, and the line about not putting things one is allergic to in one’s mouth, particularly if that thing is cats. That said, this one was very similar to book two, plot-wise. 

10. The Hostile Hospital (Book the Eighth): The cranioectomy was, I have to say, a bit silly. Qualified doctors, even in Snicketland, should know that’s ridiculous.  The plot also meant there was a lack of Violet for quite a while, or at least Violet actively doing anything. That said, there were some things I liked about this one, namely Violet saving them then having to be saved, the anagrams, the library of records and Esme’s outfit. Esme in general in this one was rather good, and I liked seeing her go out on her own to get the Bauds. The Baudelaires pieced together a bit more of the VFD mystery, and I like that not only did Olaf’s associates reuse their old disguises, but the disguise trope started being subverted with the Baudelaires being the wanted ones, and dressing up in very unconvincing outfits and actually fooling people. Having them wind up hiding from Olaf in his own car was a great ending too, with a lot of suspense and potential which was then used well in book 9. And of course, the line ‘you don’t give muffins to murderers!’ will always have a place in my heart. This one marked the beginning of Mr Poe’s absence, though, and even though he’s annoying, I keenly felt that absence. That said, the Bauds struck off on their own from this book onward, and I liked them having that independence, even if it was sort of forced upon them. 

11. The End (Book the Thirteenth): After all the intensity and action that was Book Twelve, this one was a bit anticlimactic. It seemed, to me, too long, and the whole island story was a bit tedious. It was still good, but this sort of society seemed more suited to one of the earlier books, when the Baudelaires were still leaping from guardian to guardian rather than fending for themselves. I did like the reveal that Kit and Olaf had been lovers, Olaf doing one noble deed in helping Kit, and the Baudelaires looking after the new Beatrice. Interesting, too, to see that the Baudelaires’ parents seemed to think Lemony Snicket was dead,and I was glad at last to see a whole group of people, adults included, who actually saw through one of Olaf’s disguises. What I didn’t like was that a lot of mysteries where VFD was concerned were left unsolved, and the Baudelaires having to face a society that had incriminated them was left open at the end of the book. That said, having an ending where nothing is resolved is very Snicket, and I do think it is a good reflection of what life can be like. Still, it was a bit disappointing to invest in a lot of characters and plot lines that didn’t make it into this book at all. Rereads of Book 13 get me excited to reread ATWQ, however, and do make me wonder whether the Quagmires were eaten by the Bombinating Beast, and hope they weren’t. I do sort of wish the book had been called something like ‘The Egregious End’ or some other alliteration, rather than straying from the title formula. 

12. The Carnivorous Carnival (Book the Ninth): This is another one (see my comment on Book 7) where my suspension of disbelief was pushed a bit too much, with most of society seeing nothing wrong with feeding people to lions. I did, however, like the humour and irony in people judging the ‘freaks,’ thinking Hooky/Fernald was normal and apologising for offending him,  but then laughing at an ambidextrous person. To me that reflects very much the way our society has stopped disciminating against some minorities, but are still very much willing to discriminate against others. It was interesting to see how Olaf was finding out where the Baudelaires were, although I do have to say that he seemed to arrive too quickly in some cases to have had time to go to the Hinterlands, consult Lulu and for there already to be newspaper articles about them in various places for her to consult. I did enjoy Esme and Olaf’s relationship being explored in a bit more detail, including her jealousy of Lulu when Olaf pays her attention, and the fact that this book seems to mark the beginning of Snicket’s exploration into the way people aren’t wholly ‘good’ or ‘bad,’ with the Carnival workers joining Olaf because they want to be accepted by someone, and the Baudelaires burning down the carnival to survive, and realising treachery isn’t as simple as they thought. 

13. The Vile Village (Book the Seventh): The adults being stupid and ignorant thing was taken too far in this one. Plus a village which is somehow exempt from regular laws and can just randomly burn people for something as silly as putting too many nuts in an ice cream sundae is just ridiculous, even for Snicketland.Most silly things that happen seem to be a parody of something in modern society. This town didn’t. I never liked how close the Bauds came to death in this one and it actually scared me to read it the first time. I came close to not finishing it, and ergo the series. I’m glad I pushed through it. This one also seemed to be a bit of a holdup in the discovery of VFD, more so than the others. Hector was a disappointment to the Baudelaires, in my opinion more than any other guardian/adult in charge of them, including Mr. Poe. He was willing to let them be burnt alive rather than stand up to people he found intimidating. The one redeeming feature of this one was the Quags ended up safe from Olaf. This one remains to this day my least favourite. I did like the Littlest Elf, though, and I’m glad it made it into the movie.