#‘But the real problem is when you’ve finally managed to save the world’ THATS WHAT IM SAYING!!!!! DOKJA GETS ME

[clownsnake]

dokja doing his best time and time again to help junghyeok with regressor depression…. I see the sauce being cooked here

[votederpycausemufins]

next chapter of the fic with Grumbot and Jrumbot. looks like it’s going to maybe have 3 or 4 chapters, so be on the lookout for more.

Grian was the first to wake up, though not naturally, having had a bit of a nightmare. He looked around in the early morning light towards the closet, glad he had broken it before going to sleep. He then looked down to his side where Grumbot seemed to still be in sleep mode. Grian carefully Pat his son’s head before getting out of bed. He made sure neither Grum nor Mumbo woke up before heading outside and stretching his wings. 

They had long since been sore from dodging Grumbot attacking him, so he flew a bit, looking around and the nearby landscapes. It looked lovely with the rising sun lighting it all up, but he was distracted as he pulled his communicator out.

Grian landed on a tree as he began to scroll through all his old chat logs before landing on one he had abandoned years ago. It was labeled with the symbol of a broken portal. Grian selected it and then started scrolling up quickly, keeping a close eye on the dates before finally stopping.

<MiniMuka> he wasn’t even in the list of people around, but he was there!

<Grian> he’s technically not a person. You said he was in the nether?

<MiniMuka> yeah, just standing there not doing much.

<Grian> I would be surprised if he was planning a rustic house to build there.

<MiniMuka> in the nether?!

<Grian> yeah, he REALLY likes rustic houses. I sort of try to keep him in my closet because otherwise he might turn everything into a rustic house. Once he’s done, I’ll put him back.

Grian sighed. That was the last time anyone had seen that creation of his. He wasn’t sure if NPG had been destroyed or just didn’t make it through a portal, but that world was gone now, and so was NPG.

“It’s not going to happen again. I can’t do that. And Mumbo will make sure I don’t.” Grian spoke to no one in particular, wiping away a few tears that formed as he put away his communicator. He then glided back home, finding the other two were still asleep. Having little else to do, he started making breakfast.

Mumbo was quick to get up when the smell of breakfast reached his nose. It also made him jolt awake enough that Grumbot also woke up. “Morning you two. How did you sleep Grum?”

“I’m not sure. It was very odd and I’m not sure how to best explain it in terms you would understand. It wasn’t quite watching a false reality, but it also wasn’t just nothing at all.”

Grian nodded, putting a plate of food in front of Mumbo and a diamond in front of Grumbot. “A diamond?”

“Well I don’t want to leave him out, and it’s not like he’ll eat real food. At least I don’t think. I can make more if you’re really so upset about it.”

Beside them, Grumbot picked up the diamond and seemed to eat it, leaving Mumbo and Grian stunned. It hadn’t gone through any slot, it just seemed to phase through the monitor screen. “I guess that answers that.” Mumbo spoke in as level a tone as he could manage. He was about to start eating his own breakfast when Grumbot spoke again.

“You lost.”

“What do you mean Grum?” Grian asked, ready to get something else for his robot son.

“You… you didn’t even vote for yourself.” The words hit Grian like a brick and he dropped what he was preparing. “You didn’t even get a single vote a-and Scar… he was the one who won. I didn’t do anything right. You trapped me in a box. None of it was real and I was just sitting there.”

Mumbo looked between Grumbot and Grian. One seemed to be having an existential crisis while the other was starting to have a panic attack. Mumbo wanted to help Grian first, but realized it would probably work better to help Grum since his crisis seemed to be what was affecting Grian in the first place. “Grum, calm down. Look at me.” He did his best to seem calm for the robot as he looked back up at him. “You did wonderfully. We were the ones who couldn’t do it right. People loved your songs and the things you made and the other hermits liked you. We never wanted you to be locked away, but at the time we didn’t know what else to do. We could have told you the truth and helped you through it, but then what? We couldn’t easily move you around so it would just end with you sad or disappointed and all alone. So we faked it.

“But now we’ve changed it. You’ll be able to stay with us and move around and you don’t have to stay focused on election stuff. Maybe you can do redstone like me, or build like your dad or something else entirely. Just because we messed up doesn’t mean that you can’t do something extraordinary now. Alright?”

Grumbot slowly nodded before tackling Mumbo with a hug. The mustached man smiled down at his son before looking over at Grian, glad to see he calmed down a little. “Now, how about instead of diamonds we get you a nice plate of quartz to munch on?”

It seemed to be a good idea and Grumbot seemed to calm down with something new in front of him. Mumbo excused himself and Grian for a few minutes before going into the next room over. “How’s you get so good with words?” Grian asked, making Mumbo shrug.

“Mumbo the chat therapist helps people who are lost internally.”

“Mumbo, this wasn’t the chat.”

“Well I was able to help, wasn’t I?”

“Okay yeah. But I still want to know, how did he suddenly know?”

Mumbo sighed. “We gave him a diamond. We built him to take question diamonds and look into mayoral databases and what not, so when we gave him that one for breakfast it must have triggered all that.”

“Why didn’t you remove it when remaking him?”

“I tried Grian, I got rid of what I knew I could, but that wasn’t much. I was scared if I changed too much, it would have done us better to build him from scratch. What would you do then? If he looked up at us with blank eyes not knowing who we were?”

Grian froze. “I…”

Immediately Mumbo was regretting his words. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I just. Oh I’m such a spoon. Let’s just… do you want me to watch Grum while you build Jrumbot’s body?”

The builder smiled at the idea. “Yeah, that sounds nice. Then when I’m done we can switch off.”

With that, the two of them left the room to be with Grumbot again.

Grian bounced his foot as he waited. Building Jrumbot had gone much faster than building Grum. He already had all the materials, knew how big to make everything, even making the body a bit smaller since he was supposed to be Grum’s little brother. But that meant he was now just sitting on the sidelines while Mumbo worked.

Since Jrumbot didn’t have as complex circuitry as Grumbot did, Mumbo had to do more work instead of just rebuilding what had been there. It even got to the point where Grum powered down so the redstoner could go back and forth between the two bots for reference.

Because of that, it ended up with Grian sitting by himself. He wanted to try and do something to ease his boredom, but if anything went wrong and he wasn’t there, he would never forgive himself. Instead, Grian pulled his communicator out and started messaging Xisuma.

<Grian> Hey X, sorry we’re not back yet. Everything’s fine and Grum is up and running, but remember that shop that looked like Grumbot?

<Xisuma> wasn’t that supposed to be his sibling or something?

<Xisuma> oh

<Xisuma> I now understand why it’s taking so long.

<Grian> yeah, Mumbo’s currently doing all his circuits and stuff. Grum’s helping and I’m on emergency standby

<Grian> I don’t want anyone getting hurt but I’m so booooored

<Xisuma> well you’ve been so busy you haven’t said much. So more updates?

<Grian> yeah, sure. We got Grum functioning just last night. 

<Xisuma> that went well?

<Grian> he was a bit confused, but I was so tired I just went to bed. I think only problem at the time was he didn’t, still doesn’t, know how to walk.

<Xisuma> Really?

<Grian> not like we originally built him with legs.

<Xisuma> that’s true. Anything else?

<Grian> he finally found out everything that happened after his initial breakdown.

<Grian> it was rough at first but it’s fine now

<Xisuma> he did? How bad did he take it.

<Xisuma> Oh okay that’s good.

<Grian> yeah, we found out he can just eat diamonds and quartz and whatnot.

<Grian> Diamonds still activate his searching of the mayoral reservoirs so that’s fun.

<Xisuma> I see

<Grian> oh thats an idea!

<Xisuma> what is?

<Grian> :3

<Xisuma> oh dear

Grian looked up from his communicator, managing to spot Mumbo climbing between the bots. It probably hadn’t been that long since he last checked on things, but he didn’t have much else to do. The builder walked over and tapped on Jrumbot’s body, snickering slightly at the yelp from inside before Mumbo climbed out. “What do you need Grian?”

“Just, hoping for some updates. Like, more than just ‘going well’ or something like that. I can’t get in there to see and even then I wouldn’t be able to tell how it’s going by looking at it.”

Mumbo ran his fingers through his hair. “Well you see, it is at the very least going well.” Grian glared at him a little. “What I mean is I’m very glad I did the past redstone circuitry for him instead of just leaving it blank. I never fully implemented it, yes, but the fact that I did it saved plenty of time.”

Mumbo sat down to get comfortable before explaining further. “See, with Grumbot, we’d already put in all the circuits save for moving about. Because of that it was just replicating everything already done. Jrumbot on the other hand doesn’t have much. For the most part I’m trying to replicate what Grum has, but I can’t entirely. If it were a perfect copy, we would just have two Grumbots, just in different bodies. The biggest roadblock would have been replacing the function that allows the connection with the mayoral reservoirs. If I didn’t have anything before, I would have been stumped on what to do. He wouldn’t have any need for that so theoretically it could be removed, but at the same time, it could damage the rest of the circuits.”

Grian spoke up to check if he was understanding this all right. “So, what you’re saying is the political stuff is essential and you needed something new and essential to replace it?”

“Exactly!” Mumbo nodded before continuing. “The redstone I already did for Jrum was functions for helping sales. I never fully implemented it since people did buy from the shop, but it was still there.”

“And so Grum’s thing is politics and Jrum’s is capitalism?”

“Yes I suppose you could-” Mumbo stopped and Grian was able to recognise he had come up with an idea. “That’s it!” Before the avian could ask for clarification, Mumbo was already climbing back into Jrumbot’s body. Not wanting to ruin whatever train of thought was happening, Grian instead sat down on the nearby grass to just listen to the sounds of Mumbo working.

Mumbo and Grian stood next to each other, looking at Jrumbot. This was their third test. The first two had gone okay, but there were still some issues. “Which of us should do the honors this time?” Grian looked over at the redstoner. “I say you since you’ve done most of the work.”

“But I did last attempt. It’s your turn.”

“The only reason I did it the first time is because I knew we would have a problem. When it works, you should be the one turning everything on.”

“Oh alright fine.” Mumbo sighed and then stepped closer to Jrumbot and pressed the power button near the base of his neck. Immediately he jumped back and the two watched as Jrumbot turned on and started looking around. “Jrumbot?” Jrum looked over at Mumbo and Grian. His motions looked like he was trying to speak, but it wasn’t working. “What? It was fine the last test? What did I do wrong?”

Jrumbot tried some gestures for communicating and slowly it worked. After some charades they decided to test if giving Jrum a diamond would help him out since some of the circuits were similar to Grum and he needed diamonds for certain functions. Indeed, when they gave him a diamond, it helped for a bit. By the time they had given him four with not much more permanent success, Grian asked if they should consider turning him off to fix things. When the question was asked, Jrumbot immediately started running off. “No! No turning me off!”

Mumbo and Grian were both left shocked. “What? But we didn’t give him another diamond? How is his voice working again?” Mumbo asked the avian, who seemed to realize just what was going on.

“Mumbo, his voice was fine the entire time.” Grian answered between some giggles. “He was just pretending to get our diamonds.” Mumbo looked between Grian and Jrum, who was currently admiring the diamonds he had gotten off of his dads.

“Well!” Mumbo huffed before walking over to Grumbot’s body. “I suppose that means we can turn Grum back on too.”

He didn’t even need Grian’s confirmation with how the avian lit up at the statement. Soon Grum was back on and was quickly moved closer to Jrumbot. “Hello. I assume you are Jrumbot, my younger brother.”

Jrum looked up from his diamonds to look at Grum. “Uh… yeah that sounds right! Look what I got!” And he held out the gemstones for Grumbot to look at. 

“Impressive. Does anything happen when you consume them?” Grumbot asked with a slight tilt of his head. Jrum looked back down and his diamonds as if contemplating the question before he pulled them close to his chest.

“I don’t want to eat them! Then I would lose them!” A small hatch opened up on Jrumbot’s chest which surprised both Grian and Mumbo, not having built anything there. The smaller robot then placed his diamonds in the hatch before closing it, making sure he wouldn’t lose the items. “There! Now they’re all safe!” Jrum said proudly, placing his hands on his hips and puffing his chest out.”

Mumbo cleared his throat a little to get the attention of both of the bots, who thankfully both looked over at him. “I’m glad you two are getting along, but now that Grian and I know you’re both working, how about we take you home?”

Jrumbot was the first to answer, jumping at Mumbo and attaching himself to the redstoner’s arm. “Yeah! Let’s go there! Wait where is it?”

Grumbot simply walked over to his dads and looked at Jrum. “It was where we were initially built. You may recall existing in the shopping district as a shop.”

Jrumbot’s screen eyes lit up with animated sparkles. “Oh yeah! People got mustaches and shirts! I hated it!” And the final sentence was said in the same cheery tone as the first two sentences. Grian immediately reacted poorly and Mumbo was left stuttering out an ask for clarification. “Cause they got cool stuff but also took the diamonds I had!”

“Well, as your dads, Grian and I will make sure people don’t steal diamonds from you again.” Mumbo assured Jrum, prying the bot off his arm so he could carry him normally. “How about you two come with me and help pack things up while Grian helps make the way home?”

“Yeah! That sounds fun!” Jrum replied, making Mumbo chuckle. The smaller robot jumped out of Mumbo’s arms and ran towards the nearby house, attempting to pick it up. Grumbot followed behind to help his younger brother and lead him inside.

Mumbo looked back to Grian and gave him a hug. “See? It all worked out fine. And even if something does go wrong, it’s not like either of us are doing it along.”

Grian smiled back at Mumbo before letting the redstoner head off to the house and pack things up with the bots. The builder then looked to an open area and started using his Watcher magic to make them a portal home. It wasn’t too difficult to summon, so everything wasn’t quite prepared for the trip home, So Grian ended up just leaning against the portal and messaging X.

<Grian> The boys are both working. We’re packing things up and should be back within the hour.

<Xisuma> Where are you likely coming in? I’d like to be there when you arrive.

<Grian> Probably where we left. The roof of Grum’s old box. That or it’ll just be spawn. I can’t be completely sure without using more power than I’d like to.

<Xisuma> That’s understandable. I’ll be at the box and can fly over if you four end up at spawn.

The avian put his comm away and then watched the house, seeing the movement coming from inside through the windows. Some laughter, mainly from Mumbo and Jrum, was loud enough to make it to Grian’s ears, making him smile even more. Mumbo was right. It was going to be fine.

The portal did indeed end up sending them to the top of the box and Xisuma was already there waiting. Before the four of them went through, Grian gave the bots, more specifically Jrumbot, an explanation of what was going to happen. It took a little longer than anticipated as Jrum asked plenty of questions. His dads were happy to answer at first, but soon they had to try and get the robot to save his questions for later.

The second they were all through, Jrumbot zoomed at Xisuma and nearly pushed the admin of the building with his momentum. “Hi! Are you Xisuma?” Mumbo was quickly running over to help save X from the energetic robot while Grian worked on closing the portal. But before the redstoner could reach them, Xisuma answered affirmatively and was tackled to the ground with a hug. “My dads said you’re sort of like their dad so you’re my grandpaaa!”

As Mumbo helped Xisuma up, the admin just chuckled a little. “You certainly are an energetic little one. Here, I have a gift for you.” Jrumbot started bouncing a little when X said this, only to stop when the admin pulled out a communicator.

“What’s that?” Jrum asked. He wasn’t happy about the gift not being diamonds, but at the same time he wasn’t going to refuse a gift, so he took it anyway.

“It’s a communicator. Everyone on this server gets one when they join. Your brother already has one because I knew he was going to be joining, but you were a little bit of a surprise, though a welcome one at that.”

“Oh, okay!” Jrumbot chirped a little, making Grian look up at the noise. He looked up just in time to see Jrum running over towards him and Grum, showing off his new comm to the latter of them. “Look what I got from our grandpa!”

As Jrum continued to chat with his brother, Grian made eye contact with Mumbo. “Did he just…?”

“Well, they were both meant to be a mix of us. I guess when putting everything in, Jrum got a bit more of you.”

Xisuma brushed himself off a little before looking over at the bots. “Well, I certainly see the resemblance to Grian. I wouldn’t be surprised if we had another sort of war with the two of them around.”

Grian feigned offense at the statement. “How dare you ever think I would do such a thing. Especially around my children. Why I would never do such a thing. Only a pesky bird would and I am not at all a pesky bird.” And to drive home his sarcasm, he fluttered his wings slightly.

“Of course, no pesky birds here.” Mumbo crossed his arms, though he also smiled.

“Well, I’m sure you two want to settle in, so I’ll give them a quick rundown of what they need to know.” Xisuma spoke up, clasping his hands together in a clap. “I’m sure I won’t need to go over as much since they haven’t been on many other servers so telling them rules that may differ shouldn’t be a problem. How about tomorrow we see if we can’t gather everyone else to officially meet them.”

“That sounds great X.” Mumbo nodded before letting the admin walk over to the bots. He and Grian had to pull Jrum off of X more than once before the admin was done and flew off. 

Getting everything over to the jungle was a bit more of a hassle since that involved more work then just walking through a portal and carrying everything a few meters. For the most part they were able to just carry the shulker boxes in their inventories, but they didn’t exactly have a good way to move the bulky chargers they had created for the bots. The two also had some  mobility issues from being new to their bodies, so giving them elytra and giving them a crash course in flying didn’t seem like a good idea. Boats were also out of the question for right now since they didn’t know how well the bots would take to water.

The last option was the nether, and fortunately Mumbo still had extra obsidian to make a portal with. Grian stayed behind to break the portal once the other three were through since he could easily fly home along with the fact that using Mumbo’s home portal was better than trying to use the mess of obsidian that was his own portal.

The avian beat them back, though mostly due to the fact that the bots had never been to the nether and also didn’t have much gear to their names right now so it took longer to get them through, even with how the area was built up. Grian giggled a little at the obviously singed mustache of Mumbo while the bots looked non-plussed and snacking on some quartz. “There’s two of them. There’s only two of them. But it was like herding cats. Worse actually.” Mumbo rambled as Grian just continued to laugh, giving the redstoner a water bottle to pour over his mustache, a tiny bit of smoke coming from it as it was completely put out.

“Do we want to set up two of the chargers now?” Grian asked, trying to distract Mumbo. “Or should I work on building them rooms at my place?”

“Set up the chargers!” Mumbo answered a little too quickly. “Or, well. If it’s just the three of you, you could go to your base and I can set the chargers up here while you do that!”

“You just want me to deal with them by myself now since you had to, right?”

“Of course.”

Grian smiled and walked over to the bots. “Alright, who wants to try out a minecart and go over to Dad’s mansion?”

“Me! I do! I do!”

[muwur]

haikyuu x otome: masterlist | rules

prologue

» synopsis:   a haikyuu x reader au where you, the player, are bound for university in a metropolis several hours away from home. hope and excitement are replaced with dread as you come to realize that juggling life as a student and a part-time employee takes a toll. from demanding classes to a ruthless manager, life just can’t seem to give you a break. that is, until you meet a certain someone who reminds you how to live and follow your dreams. somehow, when you’re with them, time stands still. maybe things are finally starting to look up. if only you could stay in those moments for just a little longer.

» gn reader

» ngl came out longer than i expected but thats ok LMAO,, them otome intros be unnecessarily long too mb; 3.1k words

» note: if u rllyy want u can kinda skip or just skim this, the gist is that you move in n meet like 3 ppl LOL

The train hummed as it zoomed through the landscape, leaving behind the familiar people, sights, sounds, and smells. Yawning, you rubbed your nap away from weary eyes and peered out the window. Just hours ago you had waved a bittersweet farewell to your town, friends, and family, who woke at the crack of dawn to send you off with tight hugs and teary-eyed wishes of good luck. 

Your heart lurched at the memory. You’d miss them. In an effort to part happily, you promised to come back for the holidays, call often, and hook your friends up with any cute people you just knew would match them. Glancing down at your phone, you smiled at the excited text messages from your friends. Your fingers tapped away at the keyboard in response.

‘Just woke up from my nap. I think I’m here!’

Outside, buildings scraped the clouds and their windows shined in the light of the afternoon sun. Cars honked, bikes swerved, crowds bustled. On one end of the block, a man on a ladder was painting a sign for his store, while on the other end , a street performer danced energetically in her black shoes. Smoke emitted from a food vendor’s stand, where a man skillfully flipped some meat and vegetables on a stove, even throwing his spatula into the air to entertain his customers. The city was alive. 

Stepping off the train, you clutched your belongings and felt a sudden rush of exhilaration. You were finally here. You intended to take a deep breath, in order to take in your first taste of this city’s air, only to stop halfway in a short hacking fit to expel train exhaust from your lungs. 

‘That was pleasant,’ you grumbled to yourself, still coughing as you made your way off the platform towards the street. Luckily, Lyft existed. And it was cheaper here! Within minutes of your order, a black Toyota pulled up in front of you. The driver smiled and stepped out of the car, their wavy brown hair bouncing against their shoulders. “Let me help you with those,” they smiled as they offered to take your bags and put them in the trunk. 

“Oh, thank you so much!” What a kind person, you thought as you opened the backseat of the car. Ooh.

On second thought, maybe you were too optimistic. Who knew a 10 minute ride could feel so long? It seemed at least twice that much when you were squished in the backseat with some handsy couple. Just your luck, someone was already occupying the passenger seat. Oh well, a minor inconvenience in the name of saving money. All you could do was shift closer to the door, fix your gaze outside the window, and try to ignore the strange purrs coming from your seatmates. A familiar building caught your eye and you let out a sigh of relief when the car came to a stop. You thanked your driver as you stepped out and pulled your bags out of the trunk. Looking back and forth from your phone to the townhouse before you, you had to admit the real thing looked a little more worn down than how it was advertised, but you couldn’t blame them. I mean, your pictures on instagram aren’t exactly the everyday representation of yourself, either.

Aged wood creaked as you hoisted your bags up the front steps. You tapped  your knuckles three times against the brown door and rang the buzzer to the landlord’s office. 

“Hello? Miss Q?” you asked, hoping the landlord you’ve been contacting for the last two months would answer. “It’s me, y/n, I let you know I’d be coming in today.”

No answer. 15 minutes, a few text messages, and a phone call later, still no response. You groaned. Were you at the right place? Looking back at the address of the building and your location, you were sure this was it. Did Miss Q happen to be out? Or was she napping and just happened to be a heavy sleeper? Maybe her phone died. Whatever the reason, you were stuck out here for the meantime. Shrugging it off, you took a seat on a dusty patio chair and started to scroll mindlessly through your phone to pass the time. Hopefully she’d reply soon. 

The screech of a vehicle coming to a stop caught your ear. You looked up to see that the mover’s van you ordered pulled up across the street. Well, at least your things arrived. You stood up and waved to the man driving the vehicle. Making your way to greet and thank him, you helped him unload your things and set them down on the free space in front of the complex, making sure to keep the pathways clear. Placing down the last of the things onto the ground, you wiped the sweat off your brow, tipped the man, and watched him leave.

20 minutes of that and still you remained stuck outside. The late summer sun was beginning to get unbearably warm. Sitting amongst your pile of things, you couldn’t help but groan inwardly at the thought of all the unpacking you had to do. On top of that, classes begin in a week, and you needed to search for a job as soon as possible to help pay the bills. 

“Erm, hello? Are you y/n l/n, by any chance?” a gentle voice asked.

Lost in your thoughts, you failed to notice anyone had approached you. He was a fairly tall boy with dark hair half pulled back into a messy bun. Freckles adorned his face, complemented by his soft brown eyes and warm smile. He wore a pair of white shoes, slightly distressed lightwash jeans that were rolled up at the bottom, and a loose fitting, olive button up half tucked into his jeans. In his arms was a brown paper bag with a loaf of bread peeking out. 

(I STAN LONG HAIRED/HAIRBUN YAMS SO HARD SO HE’S GONNA HAVE IT OK)

“Yeah, I am! Do you live here?” you responded eagerly, getting up to your feet.

He nodded with a smile. “I do! Apparently Miss Q’s sick and staying at her daughter’s place for now, so her daughter messaged me to help you get settled in. Let me put these groceries away and get your key.”

He disappeared into the townhouse, then returned a few moments later with a key dangling between his fingers. “Miss Q needs a better hiding spot for her spare office key. The plant pot is way too obvious. Anyways, I can show you to your room, now. I’ll help you carry your things up,” he offered.

“That would be great! Thanks again for all your help, otherwise I’d probably have been stuck out here all night,” you said, gently handing him a box to carry.

“Y-Yeah, no problem! Though, Tsukki might’ve let you in if he saw you out here, too. Oh, and my name’s Tadashi Yamaguchi, by the way. Some people call me Yams. It’s nice to meet you.” 

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Yams,” you huffed in amusement at his cute nickname. “Call me y/n.” Carrying some boxes, you followed Yamaguchi into the building. Luckily you were on the first floor, second door on the lefthand side. He fumbled with the key, searching for the keyhole before turning the unlocked knob and opening the door. 

Much like the outside, the interior of the place was also outdated. You both stood in front of the quaint living area connected to the kitchen. In the back, you could see the hallway leading to the bathroom and your single bedroom. The plain, white walls of the room were illuminated by daylight coming in from the windows on the rightmost wall. You could overlook the worn couch and scuffed dining table, though, considering the place was fully furnished and leased at a great price. Miss Q had even told you both the kitchen and bathroom had actually been remodeled recently. 

Going back and forth to take your belongings inside, you thought to get to know your new neighbor. “So, how long have you lived here?”

He pursed his lips in thought and stacked the box he was carrying on top of another one. “Mm, only since the start of summer, actually. My friend and I came here to start university, and one of his favorite museums also happens to be in this city. We come from about 2 hours north of here, though. What about you?”

You set down a particularly heavy bag onto the floor with a grunt. “I’m from a place several hours west of here. I came here for school, too! Are you going to Central University, by any chance?”

“Yeah, I am!” he responded with pleasant surprise and wide eyes. “I guess we’ll be seeing each other on campus, too. Remind me to show you the closest bus stop you can take to get there.” A soft smile formed on his lips.

After finally taking in all your belongings, you collapsed onto the couch in exhaustion. Your eyes flickered over to the brunette, whose chuckle you could hear from across the room. “Long day?” he asked, settling into a spot next to you. 

Groaning, you replied, “I’ve been up since 5 am to do some last minute packing and catch my train.”

“Yikes. Sounds early.”

“Tell me about it.”

A comfortable silence hung in the air for a few seconds. Curious, he piped up with another question. “So, what made you decide to move all the way out here?”

“Hmm,” you began. “Well, I wanted to settle into a new, unknown place, y’know? Explore the world a little more and see what it’s like out here. Be on my own for the first time.”

Yamaguchi nodded thoughtfully in understanding. “I get you. My best friend and I kinda came here for the same reasons. We wanted to expand our worlds a bit. I’ve only been here a few months, and already so much has happened. You’ll definitely get to explore and experience a lot in this city. Things are always busy around here...” he trailed off, checking a notification on his phone that just dinged with a new message. His brown gaze flickered back to you. “Ooh, would you like to have a drink with my friend and I at my place? I live in the room right across from here. You seem like you need a break.”

You could feel your lips curve upwards. “I’d really enjoy that, actually.”

Thus you found yourself in your new friend’s apartment, sinking comfortably into his black beanbag chair, a bottle of cold lemonade in your hand. Taking another refreshing swig, your eyes traveled over to the blonde seated next to Yams on their tan sofa. You could hardly feel welcome when the first words that came out of his mouth after seeing you was a disgruntled “you brought someone here?”, which made Yamaguchi smack the back of his friend’s head.

“They’re our new neighbor, Tsukki! Be more welcoming,” he chided with a roll of his eyes. “Y/n, this is Kei Tsukishima. Tsukki, this is y/n.”

He rubbed the back of his head and glared at Yamaguchi. The blonde sighed, extending a hand out towards you. “Tsukishima. Nice to meet you, I guess.”

“Erm,” you tried to smile, “nice to meet you, too, Tsukishima. Just call me y/n.”

‘How is someone as sweet as Yams best friends with this dude?’

He couldn’t be all bad, you reasoned. Maybe he was just having a bad day,,, or always having a bad day. Regardless, even if your first impression was kinda substandard and underwhelming, you hoped you’d get along. He seemed like the type to need to get to know someone before warming up to them. 

You set the empty bottle atop their maple coffee table. Two hours had creeped by, consisting mostly of lighthearted exchanges between you and Yamaguchi, with a brief, occasional response from Tsukishima. He spent most of the time flipping through the pages of a novel and lightly tapping its hardcover to the beat of whatever he was listening to on his headphones. Yamaguchi suggested getting delivery from a Thai place he liked a few blocks away, and even insisted on covering the cost for you. 

“No, you really don’t have to..! I appreciate the offer, though,” you pleaded.

He shook his head, smiling as he tapped away at postmates on his phone. “Don’t worry about it.” He logged in both your orders and nudged Tsukishima with his elbow. “What do you want?”

Pushing up his glasses, Tsukishima leaned over to look at his friend’s phone screen. A few moments passed before he pulled away and said, “Pad Kee Mao sounds good.”

30 minutes later and there was a ring at the front door. A voice on the buzzer sounded. “I have a delivery for, uh.. Tadashi!” 

“Looks like they’re here,” Yamaguchi said as he stood up. You followed him out to the main entrance. Behind the door was a boy with tousled orange hair and bright brown eyes, carrying a plastic bag filled with takeout boxes. “Here you go!” he exclaimed as he handed you the order. He peered at the brunette beside you, his face scrunching in thought before lightening up with clarity. “Hey, you were with the guy I crashed into the other day! I-Is he okay by the way? Sorry, I was in a really big rush...!”

Eyebrows shooting up in surprise and eyes widening with familiarity, Yamaguchi nodded, “Oh yeah, I remember that! Don’t worry, he’s alright, just bitter and annoyed. I’m glad you seem to be okay, as well.” 

The redhead scratched the back of his neck sheepishly and looked down at his scuffed shoes. “Ah, thanks! Um, is he around? I’d like to apologize for yesterday...”

Yamaguchi smiled. “I’ll go grab him,” he said briefly before heading back to his apartment. 

The delivery boy sighed with relief. “Man, I felt really bad about that yesterday...” he muttered. He looked back up, his eyes brightening when they met yours. “My name’s Shoyo Hinata! People usually call me Hinata.”

“I’m y/n, it’s nice to meet you,” you smiled, offering your hand. He shook hands with you a bit too vigorously, and you nearly dropped the food held in your other arm. “Are you new around here?” he asked.

“Hah, is it that obvious?” you joked.

“Nahh, just a wild guess. You’re just really refreshing, is all! Most of the people I meet seem burnt out, but I don’t blame them. We’ve all got busy lives. Talking to you is nice, though! I haven’t learned any customer’s names, well, since I started working! Then again, it’s only been two months... Anyways, where you from? I was born and raised here.”

If anything, you thought Hinata was the refreshing one. A tad talkative, but refreshing nonetheless. He effused a radiance that matched his vivid hair. “I’m from *insert place here*, a few hours west of here. I just arrived today!”

Before he could give you a response, however, you both heard footsteps approaching. You could recognize Tsukishima’s voice muttering a low “let’s get this over with” from behind you. Now standing at the doorframe, the blonde towered over Hinata. His countenance displayed obvious annoyance. However, he maintained his composure, pressed his finger against the bridge of his nose, and sighed out, “What do you want?”

Hinata bowed. “I’m sorry I crashed into you with my bike the other day! I was rushing to volleyball practice and I wasn’t looking. It was my fault.”

Eyes narrowing, Tsukishima allowed several moments of silence to achingly pass before letting out a small huff. “Fine. Apology accepted.” Shoving his hands in his pockets, he turned around to return to his room. “Watch where you’re going next time, idiot. You’d better hope you don’t run into me again.” A door shut.

‘That was quick.’

Hinata looked up to watch him leave and straightened his form again. Lips pursed and eyebrows furrowed, he crossed his arms across his chest. “Geez, what’s his deal?” Yamaguchi cast him an apologetic look. “Ah, he’s just like that. He appreciates the gesture, though.” 

A high-pitched ding caught your attention. “Ah, I gotta go make another delivery! It was nice to meet you all!” 

Quickly grabbing a bill out of your pocket, you stopped Hinata mid-step. “Wait! Here, please take this. Thanks for the food!”

He accepted the tip from your hands, looking back and forth between you and the money. “Wow, thank you so much! I really hope to see you around. Have a great night!” With a final smile and wave, he bounded off the porch steps towards his bike, hopped on, then disappeared down the street. 

After having dinner and exchanging contact information with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, you thanked them for having you over and retired back to your room. Drained, you only had enough energy to make up your bed and unpack your bathroom essentials. You trudged into the bathroom. Looking into the mirror, weariness was evident in your dull gaze. ‘Ugh, I can’t wait to sleep,’ you thought as you turned the sink on. The cool water felt refreshing against your skin and livened your senses. You brushed your teeth before retreating to your bedroom and changing into a comfier pair of clothes. 

You checked the time on your phone. How was it only 11 PM? The darkness, coupled with your exhaustion, made it seem at least three hours ahead. You plugged the phone in to charge and set it down on the bedside table. ‘No need to set an alarm,’ you thought, ‘I just wanna sleep.’ 

You took a few minutes to stare at the dark ceiling overhead, thinking about all the new changes coming your way.  New faces, cool food, and exciting places. Hopefully you had some time these first few weeks to explore and familiarize yourself with the city. Excitement mixed with a prick of anxiety as you thought about how you could manage on your own. However, you had faith in your independence. You would be okay. Besides, there were friendly people out here like Yamaguchi, Hinata, and maybe Tsukishima who you could trust if you ever needed help.

It didn’t take long for you to drift off into a deep slumber. You lazily woke up the following morning, yawning with outstretched arms. ‘That was the best sleep I’ve had in ages,’ you thought as you sat up. It was half an hour before noon. The sun shone brightly through your windows, whose curtains were left undrawn. ‘Surprised that the light didn’t wake me up sooner.’ A loud honk made you jump in your seat. ‘Or the noise.’

You drew your legs over the side of the bed and took in the state of your room. Surrounded by stacked boxes and luggage, you were reminded what you came here for. Anticipation collected in your chest. This was the start of the life you’ve been waiting for the past few years. 

‘We’re gonna make the best of this, y/n.’

[lyricanalysis]

breakups, bees, and symphonies

this song. god damn. you couldn’t see it but there was a screaming match in the car when we were trying to figure this one out. we had such opposing views about all of it and it was ridiculous. like neither of us would budge until linden was like “wait, does this one have the symphony?” and then we both started laughing hysterically. ANYWAY, this song is about a lot of things so lets hop into it.

It's said, "If you don't let it out

You're gonna let it eat you away."

I'd rather be a cannibal, baby

Animals like me don't talk anyway

most of this song is about ryan. this is kinda the only one that i’ve analyzed so far that doesn’t follow the pattern of dallon for first verse and then ryan for second verse. but i mean, come on, this song is about their breakup. this is his feelings towards it all finally coming out.

this first line is a quote. it’s everyone talking to brendon. they tell him that if he keeps bottling up his feelings about ryan then it’ll kill him. (i even said in sarah smiles that brendon’s coping method to the breakup was to pretend to be more prideful than he really is, bottling it up and faking). so they’re warning him. brendon’s response? he said he’d rather let it kill him. by being a cannibal, he’s saying that he’s purposely letting those feelings that are unresolved, eat him away. he’s willingly letting his own sadness kill him. then he says that animals like him, people like him, don’t talk about their feelings.

now, i really wanna break down that last line cause it was really interesting, the way it came across. first off, why animal? if you replace that word with people, it almost keeps the same beat. granted, the beat would have been different in general if they used people but that means it was a conscious decision to use animal. WHY. and, not to mention, it’s in the context of people not talking about their feelings.

first thought, this album was released in 2011. that was only 6 years ago but still, things were different back then, ya know? gay marriage wasn’t legalized in the us until 2015 and while things in the us were more progressive than say.. 1970 obviously, things still weren’t great. even now, in 2017 (thanks trump) theres backlash towards gay people still. it’s sad to think that i have to worry about what people might say when i hold another boys hand in public but i do. i don’t care really, what people think of me, but i don’t really wanna be with someone having a good time and hearing someone call me a faggot just cause i happen to love another man. not a fun day, sorry. i don’t have any proof but i’ve got a real deep gut feeling that gay people are not called nice things. (besides faggot, of course. got aids yet?). i can’t recall a specific place that i saw/read about it but i can imagine that gay people have been compared to animals at some point. which is what brings us back to that line. its internalized homophobia (which ryan had a lot of and it probably passed itself onto brendon).

its a different analysis so i won’t go too far into it but in folkin’ around (a song that brendon wrote) he says ‘and once your father has heard of all the wrong you’ve done, I’m putting out the lantern find your own way back home’. now, i haven’t analyzed that whole song so i could be ass backwards wrong but my first thought (the one i usually go with cause gut instinct is valid) is that ryans father is homophobic. not every time but occasionally, homophobic parents put so much pressure on their children that their children try to deny their feelings, even going as far as to be homophobic themselves which is what i think of when i think of ryan. so homophobic ryan would push those same feelings onto brendon who, at the beginning and even now, has always been very open about his sexuality or lack there of. he’s the type of guy to be like ‘whatever’ about it. he says straight but he also says that if a dudes hot then a dudes hot. but, after being with someone homophobic, before he put on his extreme ego, brendon could have very well felt like he was the one who was wrong or broken. i can’t imagine he felt good about much of anything and feeling being gay was wrong would have made it harder for him to even think of talking about his feelings.

second thought on this line is probably shorter. anyway, try to deny it, i don’t care. argue, fight, whatever. there is, always has been, and still to this day, a stigma around men being emotional. it is getting better with each day, slowly, very very slowly, but it is still looked at as weak, girly, gay, for men to share and express their feelings. here is a link to an AMAZING slam poem about this very topic. you don’t have to watch but i highly suggest you do. it’s 3 minutes of your time and such a fucking powerful message. bolded and italicized to make it real damn obvious

Feel like an ambulance

Chaser of faith

Pray I could replace her

Forget the way her tears taste

Oh, the way her tears taste

now, we’re jumping back into the relationship and brendon’s big gay feelings. so, when people think of an ambulance, they think of it lights and sirens, speeding all the way to the hospital, so that’s how we’re going to take it, too. that means that this relationship had to have been in a crisis. i know that i’ve analyzed the last couple of songs as brendon being oblivious to the impending doom of the relationship but i think he did know. i think he denied it, wanted to believe otherwise but like come on. most people can tell when their relationship is dying. they don’t want to believe it but the signs are all still there. anyway, brendon compares himself to the ambulance. he’s the EMT trying to do what he can to save this relationship. so then he also claims to be a chaser of faith. google definition said that faith is “complete trust or confidence in someone or something”. so that would mean that brendon is putting all that he has left into this ending relationship. he’s chasing faith and faith is gonna end up fucking him over, sorry kids.

so this last chunk is after the breakup. we’ve got our little ex mormon boy talking about praying. her, is ryan. he’s praying that he could forget her. he doesn’t want to remember, doesn’t want to hurt. then, he asks to forget the way her tears taste. remember how i said that ryan was homophobic? and how that rubbed off onto brendon? how literally all of ryans problems became brendon’s? yeah, thats a thing. brendon is asking to stop feeling like all of ryans problems are his own. he blames himself for the relationship failing because he thinks that maybe if i was better, maybe if i did more to help then this wouldn’t be a thing, we’d be together and happy. brendon thinks about all of the what ifs. he feels like he wasn’t enough to make ryan happy and that’s why things ended. he blames himself for the tears. and now, after the relationship is over, theres nothing more than just memories, he wants to forget so that he can move on. he even repeats it which adds emphasis and a sense of urgency.

The world may call it a second chance

But when I came back it was more of a relapse

Anticipation's on the other line

And obsession called while you were out

Yeah, it called while you were out

i lied. i had to talk about dallon. anyway, we said this song was after the breakup (duh, the breakup happened end of pretty odd.). so now, sarah smiles was about dallon and brendon first meeting, right? so brendon and dallon start their thing, and the world (fans) are looking at this new stage gay. they’re calling it a second chance. now, i know, officially it’s wrong but i wanna point out that google seems to think the lyrics are ‘don’t want to call it a second chance’ but either way, it has the same meaning. brendon isn’t the one calling it a second chance. whether it’s because he doesn’t want to or the fact that it’s the fans saying that and not him, he isn’t calling dallon a second chance. instead, he says it feels more like a relapse. now, i assume most of you know what a relapse is. correct me if i’m wrong, relapse doesn’t have a good connotation. i’m sure you could relapse into something good but lets be real. when you hear the word relapse you’re gonna think of drugs, alcohol, or self harm. i know i do. anyway, what’s brendon relapsing from? maybe a really bad relationship that left him emotionally vulnerable and troubled? i think so.

then, he says anticipation is on the other line. this is a reference to phones. dallon is anticipation. whether or not you think so, dallon is a very good thing for brendon. and lets be honest, when you start a new relationship, even if you aren’t boyfriends or whatever term you want to use, you get excited. there’s that feeling in your stomach that just makes you think of them constantly. that’s why anticipation is dallon. the next line is talking about the moments when dallon is gone. i can assume that brendon is still anxious about a new relationship. he already compared dallon to a relapse, he doesn’t seem to have high hopes for dallon. so when dallon isn’t there, obsession kicks in. it’s not obvious what he’s obsessing about but whatever it is, probably isn’t good. the tone of this song is almost negative. up until the end, it’s negative.

Asleep in the hive

I guess all the buzzing got to me

Well, I'm still alive

At night your body is a symphony

And I'm conducting

so, i don’t like this analogy. the bee thing. but whatever, i’m rolling with it. the hive, is a metaphor for brallon. brendon is falling asleep next to dallon (doing whatever it is our dear boys do together). the buzzing though, is everyone else. it’s a warning. he’s getting other people, managers or spencer, PEOPLE, telling him not to get involved with another bandmate. they’re saying, look how the last one turned out. it’s rude but they’re trying to save brendon. he can’t get hurt by dallon is they never start their thing, right? brendon’s response though, is ‘well i’m still alive.’ it’s not the best response. i don’t know how else to compare it but to a trauma victim, almost. people warn them not to relapse, say that things will be bad but their response is, well i’m still alive, what’s the problem? we already saw brendon compare dallon to a relapse because everyone expected things to end badly. they look at brendon’s record of past relationships and they expect it to turn out the way ryan did. we know that it didn’t but back when this was written, how were they to know?

then, like, y’all. this is so blatantly sexual. how does anyone skip over this line. NOT ONLY DOES HE TALK ABOUT NIGHT, THE MOST COMMON TIME FOR COITUS, but he also talks about dallon's body. then, he compares it to a symphony. now, i’m assuming they mean full symphony which would be band and orchestra. if you have ever heard those two come together in one piece, it’s magical. they’re excellent on their own but together, wow. now, remember, this is comparing dallon to a symphony. you can imagine. (theres only one other line that trumps this in terms of being overly sexual and i’ll get to it one day, don’t you worry). then, brendon says that he is conducting the symphony. i’m not gonna go too in depth on this because opinions may vary (brendon is dominant) but brendon is dominant. he’s conducting the symphony. just.. theres no other way to take this. (note: i didn’t say brendon tops, just that he’s dominant.)

final thoughts on this. right after he says he’s conducting, you hear a string section playing a quick melody. i’m comparing what they play to sex. if you listen, you hear it progressively get louder until it hits a.. wait for it.. climax. also, conducting is repeated throughout that little bit. just deserved a nice point.

It's said, "If you don't let it out

You're gonna let it eat you away."

now, there’s a significance to this coming back. it’s not an accident. he didn’t look at this and think ‘wow, that would certainly be swell’ and write it in. i want to also point out that this is a line from the beginning, when brendon was troubled over the breakup but this time, the part about keeping things to himself is gone. they’re telling him again that if he doesn’t talk about things, with dallon, or about his fears, that it’s going to eat him away. THIS TIME, he agrees to talk. he knows that he needs to be open now. (either because he’s no longer homophobic or because he’s grown and doesn’t think that there should be a stigma around men being emotionally because men (brendon) are emotional).

Put another ex on the calendar

Summer's on its deathbed

There is simply nothing worse

Than knowing how it ends

And I meant everything I said that night

I will come back to life

But only for you

this chorus is probably gonna be a long one because i FINALLY get to talk about the summer.

so, the first two lines. google isn’t always correct and this also isn’t something talked about widely so who really knows. but anyway, i just want to point out that the only time the sun and the moon (which was a common analogy for ryden in the pretty odd era) can be together in the sky is during the summer. anytime after summer, you won’t see them in the sky together. also, i believe whatever happened in cape town, happened at the end of summer.

anyway, back to the lyrics. brendon is counting down the days to the end of summer (replace summer with cape town). like i said earlier, he probably knew that things were dying but didn’t want to admit it. you obviously hear the chorus throughout the song so you’re constantly being reminded that brendon is counting down the days. then, he says that theres nothing worse than knowing how it ends. which, i agree. that sucks monkey balls. now, because he says and, that means that the fifth line is also apart of this same chunk. but, i will give it its own paragraph.

he is still talking to ryan about all this. he says that he meant everything that he meant that night. what night? what did he say? we won’t know officially but i’ve got a pretty good theory. seeing as how this song is about the breakup and what happened in cape town. ryan conveniently has a song named that from a band that failed, sorry.

I left you in Cape Town

Woke me in the morning

Asked me if I meant it, I didn't

these are the only lyrics that felt relevant to the analysis so here they are. we already know that ryan left brendon in cape town. its really the second two lyrics that i needed. the first is just confirmation. now, this still doesn’t really explain anything but i’m gonna take a wild shot in the dark here. taking what we know from the calendar, cape town by the young veins, and ballad of mona lisa, we kind of get the full conversation. i imagine it went something along the lines of this:

brendon: i really love you, do you love me?

ryan: no

b: do you mean that?

r: yes bye

and there you have it.

so, back to the chorus. brendon is saying that he meant everything he said to ryan. but notice, its past tense. he meanT everything he said. he no longer feels it.

remember how i said that this song doesn’t follow the pattern of dallon first and then ryan when it comes to the verses? this one is reversed. but so is the chorus. ryan comes first and gets a large chunk (2 verses) and dallon gets a small chunk (the bridge). he says that he will only come back to life, but only for dallon.

now, going back a few lines, he says that summer is on its deathbed. summer, when the moon and the sun are in the sky together, is dying. that means that ryden is dying, not just ryan or brendon, its both. now, obviously, summer ended. the relationship is over. which means that brendon is dead, too. i figure he was planning on staying dead, not coming back but *cough* dallon came and.. changed it all. brendon ends the song by saying he will only come back to life if its for dallon.

last thoughts on this song. brendon starts and ends this song by repeating “only for you” which brings extra emphasis for it. just.. a thought.

[mmoarsenal]

Darren Hardy – DarrenDaily Videos

Darren Hardy – DarrenDaily Videos

DarrenDaily is a global movement of 350,000+ high-achievers who are committed to #BetterEveryDay. These are unusually driven strivers who join Darren each morning to receive a specially created video packed with one BIG idea, delivered in under 5-minutes, that gives them a success advantage that day. Then day-by-day, 260 days a year, these small improvements compound into massive transformations and significant success. Each DarrenDaily message expires in 72 hours. About this collection I started collecting Darren Daily videos back in January 2017. Since then, I tried to recover unique videos from the program from previous years. Darren Daily began in 2014 as “Darren 260,” and from time to time, many videos were improved and repeated in later years. Here you have 264 unique videos from 2019. I collected every single video delivered from late January 2017 to January 2020. That collection has 765 videos, numbered from 1 to 765. List of videos (Darren Daily Ideas): 502 – How to Prepare for the Year Ahead 503 – AMA Staying Healthy While Traveling 504 – AMA Set Yourself Free 505 – 5 Day Challenge to Be the Exception 506 – Be the Exception Challenge Day 1 Cut the Bs 507 – Be the Exception Challenge Day 2 Cut the Fat 508 – Be the Exception Challenge Day 3 Best Investment Tip Ever 509 – Be the Exception Challenge Day 4 Cut the Fear 510 – Be the Exception Challenge Day 5 Your Fab 5 511 – Stop Quot Going With the Flow Quot 512 – 5 Ways to Reinvent Yourself 513 – Winning the Grudge Match 514 – A Tragic Story With a Powerful Lesson 515 – How to Get a New Perspective 516 – Be the Best Life Advice from Mlk 517 – Remembering What You Know 518 – Flush Your Dirty Mind 519 – 8 Terrible Ways to Respond to a Compliment 520 – How Change Really Happens 521 – Stop the Side Hustle Insanity 522 – The Most Productive Day of the Week 523 – AMA the Learning Glut 524 – A Better Approach to Your Health Resolution 525 – Stop the Self Delusion Happy Horse Pucky 526 – The Cave Syndrome 527 – Its Time for a Turning Point 528 – How to Make Things Easier On Yourself 529 – Why You Need to Slow Down 530 – The Greatest Trap You Face 531 – How to Make a Better First Impression (1 of 3) 532 – How to Make a Better First Impression (2 of 3) 533 – How to Make a Better First Impression (3 of 3) 534 – Lets Make Love 535 – Making a Tough Life Choice 536 – How to Really Live Authentically (1 of 2) 537 – How to Really Live Authentically (2 of 2) 538 – Stop Playing God 539 – Do Not Disturb Seriously Don’t 540 – How to Propel Your Life Forward 541 – AMA Upgrading Your Team (1 of 2) 542 – AMA Upgrading Your Team (2 of 2) 543 – 6 Ways to Be an Awesome Team Player (1 of 2) 544 – 6 Ways to Be an Awesome Team Player (2 of 2) 545 – Proof You Are Always Right 546 – Winners Never Quit Bs 547 – When to Quit 548 – When Not to Quit 549 – Reverse Engineering Your Success 550 – What Has Been Hindering Your Growth 551 – A Quantum Leap In Progress 552 – The all Powerful Alternative to Willpower 553 – Finally the Real Cure for What Ails You 554 – Lets Break the Web 555 – The Perfect Age to Make Your Fortune 556 – You Suck and Why Thats Okay 557 – What to Do When You Are Disrespected 558 – How to Make Magic Happen 559 – The Holy Trinity 560 – The Most Effective Amp Surprising Way to Avalue 561 – Success By Demand 562 – Reigniting Your Dreams 563 – Mistakes In Your Communication 564 – The Root Control Factor of Success 565 – The Actual Price of Success 566 – An Other World Success Ally 567 – Big Key to Making Tough Decisions 568 – You Are a Symbol 569 – How to Create Your Destiny 570 – Do This or End Up Fat Broke Amp Lonely 571 – A Little Fatherly Advice 572 – Plateaued 12 Questions to Level Up 573 – How to Find Your Lifes Paradise 574 – The Power In Your Words 575 – The Modern Gold Rush You In 576 – Is This the Death of America 577 – A Horror Story for Real 578 – Smack Me Upside the Head Please 579 – The Steve Jobs Mantra that Made Apple Better 580 – How Terrible Is the New Good 581 – The Details of Big Success 582 – AMA Are You Too Hard On Yourself 583 – A Silent Killer In Your Life 584 – The Hidden Difficulty With Success 585 – The Only Advice You Will Ever Need 586 – The 8 Hour Advantage 587 – How to Lift Others Up 588 – The Worst Leader In the World 589 – 3 Quick Ways to Start Every Day Better 590 – Why Go the Extra Mile 591 – Fail Fail Fail And… 592 – The Function of Dysfunction 593 – AMA Stop Being a Weirdo 594 – The Most Profound Perspective 595 – Leading With a Mothers Hand 596 – The Forging of Your Iron Will 597 – How to Become Blessed 598 – An Origin Story 599 – AMA Dealing With the Right Now World 600 – How to Be an Inspiration 601 – AMA Mining Gold from Greatness (1 of 3) 602 – AMA Mining Gold from Greatness (2 of 3) 603 – AMA Mining Gold from Greatness (3 of 3) 604 – When and How to Learn By Example 605 – Stop Being a Chicken 606 – Living the Life of an Adventurer 607 – Running for Your Life 608 – 90 Day Darrendaily Challenge 609 – When to Pump the Brakes 610 – The Mystery of Mastery 611 – The Summer Raven Run Begins 612 – The Secret to the Fountain of Youth 613 – AMA the Art of Being a Great Interviewer 614 – How to Become One of the Avengers (1 of 2) 615 – How to Become One of the Avengers (2 of 2) 616 – Being a Better Human Being 617 – Your Best Mentor Its Not Who You Think 618 – Help Your Future Self 619 – A Quick Way to Gain Back Your Time 620 – Getting People to Love You 621 – A Life Saving Idea 622 – When to Reinforce Your Culture When Amp How 623 – How to Get Lucky 624 – Staying Calm Under Pressure 625 – What to Do When You Get Smacked 626 – How to Produce More Time And Money 627 – Three Keys to Making Dough 628 – Stop Being Reasonable 629 – Why Acting Dumb Is Smart 630 – A Life Changing Lesson 631 – Gain a Competitive Advantage 632 – AMA a Telltale Frommr Padre 633 – What’s Blocking Your Success 634 – Your Independence Day 635 – How to Create Greatness 636 – Mastering the Money Shot 637 – AMA the Best Way to Break the Box Break the Box 638 – When Its Good to Be Scared 639 – Proven Formula for Problem Solving 640 – How to Build Momentum and Create Breakthroughs 641 – Increase Your Chances to Win 10 X 642 – The Quickest and Easiest Way to Break Free 643 – Your Guide to Learning to Learn Better 644 – What Everybody Ought to Know About Technology 645 – A Vital Lesson In Judgement 646 – My 2 X 2 Morning Routine (1 of 3) 647 – My 2 X 2 Morning Routine (2 of 3) 648 – My 2 X 2 Morning Routine (3 of 3) 649 – How To Turn The Mundane Into Wow the Unsexy Truth About Success 650 – The Success Disease 651 – How You Are Injuring the People Around You 652 – AMA Learning to Paint a Vision 653 – Being More Hardy 654 – A Startling Reality About Jerks 655 – What Extinguishes Your Fire 656 – AMA My Real Definition of Success (1 of 4) 657 – AMA My Real Definition of Success (2 of 4) 658 – AMA My Real Definition of Success (3 of 4) 659 – AMA My Real Definition of Success (4 of 4) 660 – Possessed By God 661 – Surviving the Valley of Death 662 – 5 Ways Your Bank Account Is Being Hacked 663 – One Way to Build a Powerful Legacy 664 – Focus Like a World Class Pitcher 665 – The Best Kind of Roi 666 – Three Keys to Long Term Success 667 – Who Do You Think You Are 668 – The Value of Ancient Wisdom 669 – How to Double Your Income 670 – A Life Changing Story 671 – Final Words of Wisdom 672 – An Elite Winning Strategy 673 – The Secret to Becoming World Class 674 – One Trait of all Successful People 675 – How to Be a Thief of Great Ideas 676 – Stop all the Work 677 – Are You Top of the Food Chain 678 – Dumping Overwhelm Restoring Sanity 679 – Instant Inoculation to 85 of all Illnesses 680 – Forever Eliminate Nervousness Worry Amp Fear 681 – Flipping the Switch to Your Passion 682 – Never Suffer from Fear Again 683 – Beware This Treacherous Enemy 684 – Why You Are Not More Successful 685 – What High Achievers Do On Saturdays 686 – What I Learned from Oprah 687 – Be Someones Hero 688 – A Productivity Super Tip 689 – Are You Sending the Wrong Message 690 – A Crucial Principle of Success 691 – Coming from Behind 692 – Two Lessons for Finishing Big 693 – Becoming the Greatest of all Time 694 – We all Need a Lil Help 695 – Live Better Than Rockefeller 696 – AMA How Smart Leaders Motivate 697 – Finding Exactly What You Want No Matter What 698 – How to Bring Out the Best In People 699 – A Grave Mistake We Continually Make 700 – Make Today Your Best Day 701 – Getting Unstuck (1 of 3) 702 – Getting Unstuck (2 of 3) 703 – Getting Unstuck (3 of 3) 704 – What’s Wrong With Other People 705 – An Intense Experience 706 – AMA One Behavior that Will Change Your Life 707 – Living Up to What You Believe 708 – How to Live Like a Boss 709 – Uprooting Your Bad Habits 710 – What’s Wrong With the World 711 – Do You Have What It Takes 712 – What To Do When You Screw Up 713 – The Goldmine You Are Overlooking 714 – What Makes You Valuable 715 – What Makes You Even More Valuable 716 – AMA Turning Ideas into Action 717 – The Biggest Lie You’ve Been Told 718 – You Need to Wait for It 719 – The Missing Piece In Your Puzzle 720 – Time Management Myth Busting 721 – The Pain of Having High Ambition 722 – Calculating When Enough… Is Enough 723 – Keep the Magic Alive 724 – Become Notorious 725 – Two Essential Lessons for Making More Money 726 – The Unsung Hero in Us All 1381 727 – It’s Not the Climb that Will Kill You 1383 728 – How to Lose Good Team Members 729 – The Price of Wisdom It’s Worth It 1384 730 – Regenerating Your Vitality 731 – A Ruthless Question 732 – AMA How to Say No to a Boss or a Bossy Client 733 – Here Is What Everyone Around You Is Thinking 734 – Success is Hard. Be Thankful 735 – A Strategy to Help You Free Flow 736 – The framework for Selling Success (1 o of 3) 737 – 3 Cs of Persuasive Communication (2 of 3) 738 – The Magic of Influence and Sales Persuasion (3 of 3) 739 – It’s a Beautiful Day, Take a Look 740 – A Dangerous Belief We Have to Abolish 741 – Get a Huge Advantage, NOW 742 – How to Achieve Your Max Potential 743 – Becoming more YOU, For Real 744 – The Big Life Questions 745 – One Way You Can Truly Be Happy 746 – Creating an Ownership Mindset 747 – How To Lead Top Talent 748 – Are You Qualified and Positioned for Success 749 – Someone’s Gonna Get Fired 750 – Warning, Holiday Danger Ahead 751 – Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is 752 – Let’s Fly, A Cautionary Tale 753 – For the Love of the Chase 754 – A Mother’s Secret Weapon 755 – Making Meaningful Memories 756 – Don’t Wish for What You Don’t Want 757 – How Miracles Happen 758 – A Fascinating Christmas 759 – How to Live a Rich Life 760 – Are You Playing to Win, Or to Not Lose 761 – What to Fight Fear With 762 – Get Ready to Kick Butt 763 – Preventing New Year’s Goals Failures 764 – How To Make Change Possible 765 – AMA What Scares Me

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[fureniku]

Life

So... I said previously that I wouldn’t blog here. I’m going to change that slightly.

I still have my private blog (Inbox me if you want the URL), but on here I’m going to post thoughts and stuff that are a little more public, but still not quite facebook-safe. Maybe these are more relatable for others as well, considering they’ll be more generic and conceptual instead of specific to my life. However; they may still have triggers for people - so be warned of that.

So tonight, 

Blog #1 - Life. 24th January 2018 Start time: 20:59

Life. For as long as we have been here, people have asked; what is the meaning of life? They ask this from sheer curiosity - why are we here, sentient meat-machines living on a little ball of dirt and water in an endless void. Is there a purpose? Were we created by some divine being, or maybe deposited by aliens... or maybe we’re just an accident of biology.

When they ask the meaning of life, they ask about life as a whole. All of humanity, and even extending to the animals, insects, plants - every last life form of the planet.

But what if we dial it back? What if we ask about it from a personal view; Why am I here specifically? as opposed to us as a collective?

When you really think about it, how many humans can say they truely enjoy life? Granted, not everyone is depressed, or suicidal... but are they really happy? Lets run through what life consists of.

First, you are conceived. Then you spend 9 months of nothingness just developing and growing until you’re eventually born as a baby- year zero. The first two years of your life most people don’t really remember - at most only tiny snippets and concepts as we learn how to human. From there we start to develop our memories and our personalities. Ages 3-4 are great, you just play with toys and don’t really have any problems. Life value is pretty high, for you.

Next up, school time! Most countries tend to start children at school around age 4 or 5 (We’re going to stick with developed countries for this run through). And, like those early years, it’s pretty easy. You’re learning social skills, you’re getting a very basic education that’s generally disguised as play and you’re making friends that may last for decades. Sometimes teachers might get annoyed because you did something wrong, and that can be stressful - you’re learning that negative emotions can be sourced from other people, as opposed to just dropping your new lego car.

In the UK, your first real standardized test (Year 2 SATs) comes at the age of about 6/7. For many kids that can start to bring on pressure to do well - even if only slight - a sort of prequel to the stress of work to come later. You’re barely 7 years old and already you have to start living to responsibilities. Most stuff is still easy so life value is still good, but not quite where it was.

The next few years of school get a little more challenging. You’re doing real education now, you’re starting to learn things about the world - how it works (basic physics and biology), what happened (history) and so on. You learn about these huge wars in which hundreds of thousands of people died, you learn about the vastness of the oceans containing immesurable amounts of life... you start to realise there’s more to this world than just the few square miles around your house and school. It leads up to (in the UK) your second major standardized test around age 10/11. This one has more pressure, it’s often used by your next school to group you so can have an important impact. Naturally the teachers are stressed, they want you to do well... but that rubs off on you, the student. You don’t quite understand why they’re worried yet as you don’t really know the concepts of bad performance affecting their career, but nonetheless you feel pressure to do well, to not upset them. Life value slips just another tiny bit down.

Now, we move to our new school. Most of the time it’s a much bigger school with lots more people. Social status instantly plays a huge role in everything - and this is where you will define yourself as a person for the next 10+ years and make decisions that will impact the rest of your life. No pressure, young one!

At the tender age of 14 you are asked to make a decision on what you want to study. Choose wrongly and you might not be able to persevere into the career you want to do... but what if you don’t know what career yet? What if you change your mind later? And while all this is going on you have the social side too. Maybe you’re being bullied because of some physical condition or abnormality that you have no control over. Maybe you’re confused because you’re a boy, but you really like that boy, or maybe you don’t actually feel like a boy deep inside. Maybe you have a mental health condition thats totally out of control, and you don’t know what to do about it. You’re still so young but the pressures are building. These early teens are when people will start asking that all-important question with a personal view; Why am I here? Why do I exist, if all I get from life is pain and stress?

But it’s ok. You know once you finish school, it’ll get better right? The bullies will go away, your teenage hormones will settle down, you’ll get that awesome job you want, buy a house and live happily ever after.

Back to the education. Age 16, you make a more fine-grained choice towards your career. Get this one wrong and you’re already a bit screwed, so I hope you know exactly what you want to do and how to get there! So you continue with your next stage of education, age 16-18. Often again in a new school, with new people and you’ve got all these thoughts swimminmg through your head, its like the last few years on steroids but no time for that now, gotta focus! But focusing is hard when your brain goes a mile a minute. Maybe you’re a lucky one and you do well, maybe you slip and fall here - do that, and your life will totally stall. Life value is really starting to drop now.

Finally! You’re 18! Off to college/university you go! But wait, now you have moved out. You live in student accomodation, and you just got a lump sum paid into your bank. That money is the most you’ve seen in your life, but its gotta last three months until the next one. But it’s fine, you can manage that! $10 here, $15 there, it’s nothing... until 2 months later it’s gone. If only you knew how to budget properly... but hey at least you know mitochondria is the power house of a cell, right? So you spend that last month living off instant ramen and scraping the mould off your toast, praying you don’t have any sudden costs come up.

You hold out hope though. A few more years and you’ll be done with uni! Then you can move out, get that awesome job and live life! It’s gonna be GREAT!

wrong.

You finish your education. You did OK, you passed and got your degree with average marks. You head back home to party for a month or so before starting to look for a job, and its such a fun period! No commitments, no worries, you can just have fun.

That time passes like nothing, and its time to get a job. You spot an ad for the perfect job for you, so you apply. You’ve got all the right qualifications and they’re even hiring fresh graduates; great, you’re basically in! But you aren’t. Because 20 other people are applying for this exact same position. One of the others gets it, but it happens. You apply for another, the same scenario with 19 other competitors, and it passes you again. By now, your bank is empty so you have to get a minimum wage role in your local store/restaurant/warehouse. It’s not ideal but at least now you can contribute rent to your parents for the house.

While this is all going on, you’re struggling to meet that special someone. You had a couple of bad tinder dates and now you’re a little sore of it, but you still try and talk to people who interest you... but it always fades to nothing.

Then at the same time, you see that older generation complaining about you. About how you’ve had everything handed to you, how lazy you are, why haven’t you moved out yet?!

So you start looking. You know you have two choices here and once again, it decides a lot. You can rent, or you can buy. If you rent, you’re paying that for life, and until you get that qualified job you want you’re gonna really struggle - certainly won’t get enough to be saving for a house deposit to move out later. It’s starting to dawn on you as well that that qualified job? it’s a pipe dream. It’s never gonna happen. The other option is to buy. You do the math, you budget everything and you can afford mortgage repayments on a 1-bed house over 25 years. Once those 25 years are up, regardless of anything you OWN that house - great! This is the logical route, with your current job it’ll be tight but you can make it work, and things will only pick up from there.

But the banks? They don’t care for your budget. They have a flat maximum rate they’ll give you, and its well under your budget... but that doesn’t matter. They’ll give you a loan of 45k if you have good credit, but when the cheapest house is twice that you know it’s not gonna happen.

And there you are, mid 20′s, shit job, living in a flat knowing you’ll be paying rent for the rest of your life, on your own while older generations tell you about how “lucky” you are. Life value? low as fuck.

But then you meet someone. Great! They move in with you. Your bills are a little better, so you can each afford occasional treats. You can do a hobby on the weekend sometimes (assuming your partner is into similar things or has their own hobby and is happy to be separate for them). Things are slightly better.

Now you’re 30, and it’s time to have/adopt a child. One way or another you’re now caring for a new life. You look down into those innocent infant eyes, and you reflect. You think back on how in just 15 years, this child will start to question things like you have been. They’re questioning why they exist, when this world isn’t all that fun to live in.

Plus, now you have a new commitment. At least the next 18 years of your life will be dedicated to this childs upbringing. You will make mistakes and feel bad for them, and you’ll have victories that make you happy. But now, you exist for your child. Your life is gone, everything is for them until they go to university themselves.

And they eventually do - but now you’re in your 50′s. You can’t do stuff that you used to enjoy quite as easily, your body doesn’t work as well as it used to, you get tired easier. You’re still working somewhere or other and you’re still making ends meet... but is it fun? Are you having fun?

20 years pass, you’re 70 now. You have retired from work, but even going to the bathroom is a little more effort now. You still do your hobbies but you have less energy for them, and you realise this is the end. You’ve got maybe 20 years or so left, but you’ve already peaked. Everything is downhill from here, things are gonna stop working, you’ll lose your independence and before you know it, you’re sat in a chair getting a sponge bath from an intern who couldn’t care less. And then, you find yourself on your death bed.

You have that time to reflect. Think back on your life, and you realise. Was it worth it? Why was I here? Did I make a difference? The answer is probably no.

You existed for your own sake, not anyone elses. Life is there to be enjoyed - so if you aren’t enjoying it, then whats the point of it at all? If all we do is be born, work, and then die, then what’s the point of being born to begin with?

But that was a pretty average runthrough. What if things happened differently? Maybe you got that great job. You were on triple the grocery store salary and the bank gave you a good mortgage. You could afford to care for yourself so you met a great partner, and you pay off your house with ease. Your children have a happier upbringing with more stimulation, meaning they pick up education better and are less stressed. You retire at 55, but your pension is great so you can afford things like big holidays and expensive hobbies. You are the living proof that life can be enjoyed. They say money can’t buy happiness - but you proved them wrong, because it drives away the negativity.

Of course, it goes the other way too. Maybe you’re born into a third world country, you grow up knowing only the pain of having not eaten yet this week... and while your first-world brethren are stressed about that SAT exam, you’re dying of some disease that they were vaccinated against. Then you really question why you were here, if life was so short and painful.

I guess this was all a little pessimistic, it just reflects my current mood, but more importantly it reflects the outlook I’ve always had on life. Why ARE we here? Is life really worth living? Do the pros really outweigh the cons?

What is the meaning of life, for me - the individual?

End time: 21:50 Word Count: 2,466

I’m adding suicide trigger warnings to the tags, becuase if someone feels that way this post could cause the wrong signals. I would never suggest that as a solution to anything but honestly, I understand the feeling too. If my blog has upset you in any way or you want to discuss it, my inbox is always open.

[achanceforus-x-blog]

My story so far

I am writing this to hopefully raise awareness and shed some light on situations people ignore or dismiss. I want to help people no matter what their going through with my words , my wisdom and inspire and give my strength to anyone who feels they have none left. My story so far .. A few major things had happened in the years before hand (Ill save these stories for another time) causing my mental health to deteriorate (such a big problem in our generation, thats just kept so secretive) Feeling lost and deflated keeping quiet about all my problems , our problems keeping shit to myself. Feeling to breathless and anxious to even leave the house for work. Falling out with friends because I was weak they thought I was stupid for all Ive put up with, a toxic relationship. Me and my long term partner would just argue and fuss and fight for hours to the point of ultimate distress on both halves. Neither of us really knew what we wanted when you've been romantic with one person for so long it can get really crazy I believe noones a bad person though I believe people only do bad things and thats the stage we were at doing bad things. The physical altercations got to much for us both it seemed as though we were killing each other slowly. Who bruises someone they love? Who try's to hurt them with wicked words? Im so done been a wicked person but we both had a bad mental state and combined it was not pretty. I lived with him and his family in not the most comfortable environment this could also spark our disagreements. Working full time jobs, missing each other , no trust in each other , assumptions , we even thought it was acceptable to lay our hands on one another at some points which is never ok on either part male or female. So with all this been said what the hell was a girl to do I felt I couldn't go home to my mother as it had been to long I was kind of brainwashed id fantasise about the days I didn't have to stay at my partners family's house anymore. One day I just became exhausted the fighting became to much and I finally stopped provoking and reacting then we remembered we can talk to each other. So after about a week of exhaustion and finally getting along again I started not to feel myself even more we got drunk at a christmas party ( I had some time of work and got drunk every day since the 16th December until just after christmas to numb my issues ) but this time we both got drunk at the party and we started loving on each other again like we had before he made a silly comment about my belly and said I had a little him in there. Which we both just laughed off drunkly as I thought yeah impossible. This comment didnt leave my mind all night then when a still slightly drunk but a more sober me woke up that comment was the first thing on my mind. I asked him what the fuck he meant?! He said he was just drunk and playing with me. Then I started to think wait I havent been feeling right for awhile I put it down to just been sad. But something kind of clicked in me I felt sick and I turned to my partner and said omg you've gotta get me a test he looked puzzled but when I explained he went to the corner shop and came back with three tests. I was terrified not to lie , id been pregnant before when I was younger and that didn't end well as they couldn't find a heartbeat .. Pure dread came into my heart and pure fear I started to feel more sick and panicked than ever. What if I lost a baby again I already accepted the fact I couldn't carry nor could I get pregnant again after the damage left and the blood transfusions and all the struggles of the time before. I didn't even want to be a mother at all , or did I ? No not Atleast until I was like 30 or something id pushed all thoughts of ever been someones mother out of my head for a while as it was to painful. Ugh why me , why didn't we glove up why did it have to feel so good why why why and then to think I had been drinking and smoking. Shit. I stopped all these thoughts and quickly manned up and took all the tests to the bathroom. All positive. Shit. Id not long started a great new job though , I was really excelling and I dont wanna be a mother and surely history would repeat itself? Were the tests right? I cant even get pregnant can I? Ive been drinking so much and smoking, ive been so sad ive been getting into scraps with my partner how far gone was I? Had we scrapped when I was pregnant? Im trapped. So many thoughts I sat in the bathroom and just let out a deep breath. Im the strongest person I know lol or am I or do I just suppress shit and abuse substances to get over the way i felt ? Either way I felt strong I know im strong after everything id been through before in the past year let alone the past few years. Okay It is what it is man. Walked out the bathroom and handed my partner all the tests we looked at each other he widened his eyes then he smiled real hard probably the most he'd smiled at me in a long time, he was happy but he was worried because he to lost his baby when I did before. We both lost the baby. It was ours and now we were faced with that feeling once again omg were pregnant wtf to do?! Not to mention We found out on new years eve!! So all of our plans cancelled. Man if this wasnt the time for me to get drunk and high I dont know what was. So we left it for a few days. We agreed to rebuild ourselves and rebuild our friendship and then out relationship. We obviously still loved and cared for each other but we had to make a pact no more toxic mess not around my baby no way no how. No More drinking for me I told myself I also stopped smoking cigarettes I was the moodiest id been in a month or so withdrawal symptoms really aint the one. I found it extremely hard to stop getting high though truthfully that had been my addiction and coping mechanism for years I felt even more lost wondering what the fuck I was gonna do without getting high everyday after work after a busy day after just having to wake up. Truly exhausting. Still only me and my partner knew our secret whilst I struggled to come to terms with it. At work I had the worst morning sickness ever I wont post to much about this but my job included me having to be really hands on and alert at all times It was getting real tough. I needed to tell someone. I told my manager their reaction wasn't really what I needed I guess they felt I was deliberately(damn it took spell check along time to figure out wtf I was just tryna spell) deliberately ruining their business. Great. And more exhaustion and more morning sickness. I need my mom Yo. The next day I went to my moms house and just came right out with everything she was shocked , happy , scared because of last time of course. My darling mom man I missed her she reacted just how Id wanted her to by getting my shits together telling me I had to make decisions from now and ultimately booking me a private paid scan for the next evening to check everything was ok. Work on this day was the worst all I could think about was whether I was gonna see that little heartbeat or whether it would have stopped like last time, like last time like last time all i kept thinking was like last time. Jesus get me the fuck out of here It was going slow though because I was clock watching. Finally it was time to leave i was outta there in no time I felt so sick driving to the scan place we picked up my partner It was just us three I could tell my mom and him were terrified to but they were just tryna be happy and make me laugh but i literally couldn't even speak I just felt so weird , silence please until we get this over with. So we arrive at the place and I swear my feet stopped working and my legs like I couldn't even get out of the car, mom helped me. Okay this is it. There was like a ten minute wait for the sonographer it felt more like ten fucking hours. Id zoned anyway I didnt know what anyone was saying and if they were talking to me I wasnt listening, finally they called me. We got into the scan room and oh my life Ive never experienced fear like it I personally thought I was fearless nothing scared me but this did. My mom literally had to lift me onto the bed and pull up my top for the scan and then explain to the sonographer Id had a bad experience in the past. My partner looked at me and smiled but I could see past his smile I could tell he was fucking shit scared just like me so he came and held my hand she rubbed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to look around Id covered my eyes by this point cos in my head I thought well at least this time if theres no heartbeat I wouldn't have to see it. I heard people talking my mom , the sonographer , some other woman in the back supervising I just wasnt listening to what they were saying my mom stood up and took my hands from my eyes and said its okay look! I looked and there was my beautiful little bean with the strongest heartbeat ive ever saw the sonographer turned to me and said your only eight weeks so not far gone at all but they have a real strong heartbeat and so far everything looks fine. I just froze and started sobbing. My little bean I couldn't believe it they printed us some scan pictures and I prized myself up of their bed and we went back to my moms house on the way back I was sick all over myself in the car in my new tracksuit that was really something. A part of me just couldn't believe I had a living thing inside of me. Wow got to my moms house cleaned up and ate some food and we talked and we made decisions and I told her I didn't wanna be a mother and she told me really it was tough and I should of thought about it before I didnt use protection. Lol typical thanks mom though I needed that. So I should have been relaxed cos there was a heartbeat but all I kept thinking about was would they even make it another week inside me I really didnt believe I was capable of bringing another life into this world. She dropped us back to my partners families house were we lived and my partner told his family they were happy for us his mother especially. We sat in our bedroom and I just cried on him for abit then he made a spliff and I had a few drags ( I know its bad but try not to judge me ) id read marijuana could help with sickness . Yeah anything to make it sound better. Fast forward a little bit to a week or so and I had a couple of appointments at the hospital due to what had happened before they wanted to double check me and see if I was okay. My manager was not at all happy about how many appointments I was having constantly making sly remarks and comments giving me the silent treatment telling me I was causing them to have to find cover. My initial thoughts whatever trevor I'm still here still working still trying my best your the least of my worries and just ignored them and looked forward to going to bed as the exhaustion was unreal Id never felt a tiredness like it honestly. Fatigue. Back at my partners house him and his mother had had a few disagreements lately and then one night it got really bad and a lot of harsh things were said and eventually she told him he had till the end of the week to get out. What ! I was shocked where was I gonna go ? All pregnant and shit clearly I had to go with him I hadnt left his side at the best of times never mind staying somewhere he'd been kicked out of. Weird shit I made the split second decision and told him lets leave now we grabbed a few bits we needed for the next couple days and left right there and then. Where we gonna go !? My partner asked I didnt even know I just knew I didnt wanna stay there any longer. I called my mom and briefly explained she didnt have a clue what I was talking about it was half eleven at night and everyone had work early in the morning she just said yes then we turned up at her house at midnight , a couple of lost puppies like hey. She just made sure we were okay we'd ate and we had somewhere to sleep with all her blankets and pillows. Fast forward a little bit I really wanted to move into our own place so I started saving over half my wages for the next two months and just stacking up buying things for the place we found , he was saving to , we'd saved more money then than in our whole lives , I mean it seemed real easy I wasnt buying bottles of alcohol all the time I wasnt buying cigarettes I wasnt buying weed no clothes cos I figured id just grow out of them soon anyway so my money was literally untouched so saving and buying household goods was all me for the next few weeks. I wasnt happy but I was at peace. We viewed a flat and I knew it was the one man I just didnt think we stood a chance as it was in a posh area and quite expensive and we were not posh and you know how landlords would stereotype a young black couple so I really began to give up hope of finding somewhere. But then they called and told us the place was all ours and we could come and collect the keys in two weeks I was so happy we were happy, it felt like things were finally gonna go right. The day before I was due to move in my manager dismissed me unfairly due to pregnancy discrimination. It didn't come as much of a shock because of all the shit id put up with them since telling them I was pregnant, but I couldnt believe people could actually do this stuff to people. It was disgusting I was so mad and now breaking down because I didnt even know if id be able to afford to live in our beautiful new home. All the stuff we'd brought and I didnt wanna be a young mom living in at my mothers house it was all just to much once again I manned up and realised I had alot of savings and still had another wage to come my way and some unpaid holiday so I was going to be okay until that ran out. Of course my partner works hard and he could pay everything but that is not something I wanted either so I made sure to even out my savings to last until the summer by then id be receiving maternity pay anyway. I was terrified for the 12 week scan as alot of pregnancies dont make it to the 2nd trimester all I could think about was what I had lost before I just couldn't accept anything good would happen for me so once again sick and nervous I went to my next scan and there it was again a beautiful little heartbeat , so strong and the way they were wiggling about in me on the scan I still just could not believe it more scan photos were given and I left feeling abit happier once again still filled with terror and worry. I began to wonder whether or not id ever be able to enjoy been pregnant and if it was even worth it worth putting on the fake smiles every day worth looking at my changing body going from been super underweight hardly , controlled eating basically not eating at all - when I was sad cos It was the only thing I felt I had control over , to having no choice but to eat constantly all the time even through all the horrible morning sickness that FYI doesnt just fucking occur in the mornings. Ugh. Whatever. I have no choice for me pregnancy felt horrible its a really weird experience I didn't understand how women skipped about with their big bellies all happy and excited cos I was not happy or excited I loved my baby of course but It filled me with dread to think I could be growing them but never get to meet them again I just was not prepared for this at all and Im twenty years old. Isnt that old enough? Hell no. But theres nothing I can do. Fast forward 16 weeks pregnant and received news you can pay for a private scan to reveal the gender. So basically to put it blunt I thought everytime I had another scan I wouldnt see the babies heartbeat sounds paranoid and ridiculous and surely after three scans id calm down . Nope it got worse for me. So of course I wanted to find out the gender but for me it was just another way to see if the baby was still alive in me. The day of my gender scan I actually had an appointment with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat. So i went into that terrified as well my midwife knew how scared I was and dealt with me really nicely she eased me into it and then I heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh my God it was shocking I felt breathless I was listening to my baby's heartbeat. (Ive just noticed excuse my poor grammar throughout I never liked school lol) but that heartbeat the most special thing to me its all I could think about. Then in the evening when it came to my private scan I was still terrified at finding their heartbeat even though id heard it literally a few hours before! It was then that I realised I actually had a real problem. But whatever suppressed that again and readied myself for what they were saying in the scan. So I brought along my sister my dad my mom my partner and my bestfriend as you were paying you could have five people in the room lol. This if your highly nervous I wouldnt recommend they were all so excited and happy I just couldnt figure out how they were so excited and happy whilst I was miserable and terrified. So on the scan table the cold jelly again and then the sonographer started to feel around I covered my eyes again of course like I did every scan then got the all clear that there was a heartbeat then started to watch it was beautiful I couldnt get over the fact a little human was inside my belly so weird so magical wow. The sonographer asked so do you want to know the sex my family were all like wooo yeahh I didnt say anything just half heartedly smiled all of a sudden then sonographer told me its a girl!!! Oh my God. I had a little girl growing inside me a mini me. I sobbed abit again. Unreal my very own little daughter. So overwhelming that I actually started to feel really upset thats another thing about been pregnant these raging hormones noone warns you about this stuff I swear. So we were having a little girl (something my partner had said all along) and I was still not happy. I started to feel really selfish and bad. I explained I felt lonely I dont know how when I wasn't alone but it was just not a great feeling at all I really needed help I started to act irrationally and like an emotional wreck I definitely needed to accept some help so a week or so later I spoke up and was referred to a mental health midwife. Which to me sounded dramatic as fuck. But cos id struggled with mental health before it was something they had recommended anyway but stubborn old me didn't take the help. But now it was official I was dealing with antenatal depression like a constant feeling of impending doom I just couldn't be happy ever again could I? At Least not until my daughter was in my arms. I dont do talking or taking sad pills I couldn't drink I couldn't get high or control my eating like before not to mention I couldnt just have the maddest sex session either as I was scared that would harm my baby to. Ugh. I couldn't do nothing man because I was pregnant so my stress went straight to my head all everyone kept saying was dont stress you'll stress out the baby. Like really thank fuck you just said that never thought of that before. I literally couldnt listen to people and their stupid comments I just tried to accept they were trying to help and whatever they were saying was in my best interest. Okay Now this is were my story so far gets real fucked up. Ive been trying to think how to word this since before even starting to write this. Writing it in my head over and over but this is were it gets really personal to me. We're almost up to the current point in my story so far to. So 19 weeks pregnant I am terrified (surprise) for my next scan next week, its the 20 week scan it looks at your baby and your inside properly in abit more detail and sees if things are forming the way they should with the baby and with the umbilical cord, the placenta, the sack of fluid baby is in just all sorts of things. So of course im fearing the worst noone gets why I always fear the worst but I did it before been pregnant anyway so now im pregnant it just made it that bit worse for me. Im showing now by the way got a right little belly going on lol my moms started with a baby box , little socks her first teddy , a couple outfits she even managed to convince me to buy my little girl something I brought her some girly dinosaur baby grows as Id never saw dinosaurs for girls before and I loved it. So this beautiful little baby girl box. I looked through now and again and I wouldnt say I got used to been pregnant but I started to feel her little movements her little swimming and butterfly movements in my tummy so as much as Id tried to stay detached incase of any loss I was attatched whether I liked it or not. My baby girl. I pictured what shed look like , where id take her , what me and my partner would be like with a baby and what a daddy he would be. Holidays with her and just the rest of my life with her. My saviour she'd even made me able to forgive my partner and to care a lot less about the silly little things in life when I think about it she's the only reason Id found a way to want to live again, like she'd given me a purpose like I didnt need to have my eating disorders anymore or get high or get drunk all I needed was to feel her move. I dreamed about kissing and feeling her skin for the first time, I just couldnt believe id been given the opportunity from God to bring one of his angels onto the earth. Had me really in my feelings and thats not me at all. Crazy shit. Anyway back to the scan. Im 21 weeks and 3 days now and its the day of my scan to see if everything's okay me and my partner are nervous of course but im with my mom and him again and there telling me everything's gonna be fine and I just need to chill out. So we get into the scan I cover my eyes once again and then the doctor tells me theres a heartbeat , a strong heartbeat. so I open my eyes and start to look his scanning all over explaining what he can see so far then he goes quiet and starts to scan the same place over and over again, her heart. So I just get a feeling somethings wrong. A single tear comes out my eye and I just lye on the bed waiting for him to say something to give me some information , finally he says im just going to get a second opinion. Thanks for all that info Dr fucking who. My mom and my partners faces they look so sad , so sad for me for them for us all man we dont understand whats going on were just waiting for them to say something more. Two doctors come in the room and scan her heart again shes wriggling all over the place at this point sucking her thumb , waving her arms. I just cant look at the screen anymore I cant bring myself to look at her. The doctor says im so sorry but we suspect she has hypo plastic left heart syndrome, well fuck me. From when he said im so sorry I just couldnt breathe again I didnt even know what the fuck he meant but im scared and im upset and im desperate. My partner looks so sad to. I just feel so bad I just want to apoligize to everyone I just dont understand why I cant do this one thing a women's supposed to do. So the doctor gives us some notes and refers us to a fetal medicine scanner to confirm the diagnosis. Basically the left side of her heart hadn't formed properly he told us what to look at online and what to read etc. I just couldnt believe it. I felt like a fool for ever believing something good could happen for me for us. So we left thinking we had nothing left. I had already started grieving and she wasnt even gone! I was grieving like she was though I just lost all hope. Reading up on the syndrome it means she will need open heart surgery at just a few hours old, then another open heart surgery at around 7 months if she was even to make it through the first op. Then another open heart surgery at 2/3 years old. Then eventually a heart transplant as her heart will never work like a normal heart and it can never be fixed. Well ill be damned. I spent the next few days until the fetal medicine scan breaking down in the shower and staying in bed anything I was doing included bed I didnt wanna leave bed I didnt wanna talk to anyone I was defeated. I couldn't bring myself to go into the room with that damn baby box. Fetal medicine scan day. Which are more skilled doctors sonographers that specify in looking at problems and confirming them. By this point id given up been scared before the scan as I was scared everyday. Waking up was like hearing the diagnosis all over again because as soon as I opened my eyes I would remember. So the doctors scanned and it was confirmed hypoplastic left heart syndrome my poor baby girl thinking of everything shes gonna have to deal with. How long would I know her? If I got to know her at all would she even survive the first op? Second? Third? What the fuck. Why me? Why me and my baby Im a good person Ive done a few bad things but ive dealt with more bad Jesus why me ? Did I really not deserve a break I just couldnt believe my luck. They offered me three options. Termination. Which I considered for a little while as I believed it would hurt less if I lost her now than loosing her when Id met her. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have lost and never loved? What kind of shitty statement is that I dont even know what to think anymore. I decide if shes still fighting then I have to fight with her I cant just give up hope for my baby girl. So cancel out that option. Next. They offer the three stages of the operations but thats not including any complications and operations to fix anything else that goes wrong oh and also my baby has to weigh over 5 pounds to be able to have these operations anyway and cant have any chromosomal issues such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome then they really cant operate at all and nature just has to take its way. And the last option was compassionate care so when my baby's born they help us plan the funeral and give us extra support. To me all these options were fucked the fuck up and I just didnt want to have to choose any of them. We had like a week to make a decision until we met with the cardiologist who would explain my little girls problems in more depth as every baby is different of course and look in depth at her little heart. See if it was even possible to operate how much damage was actually done. Well fuck me. I seriously didnt even know this condition existed and neither did my family and friends. I couldn't help but just feel grief and defeat. But as long as my daughter kept fighting I knew that I was going to so we picked the second option deciding to go through with the operations if that was a possibility for her. Appointment over. I couldnt even bring myself to look at my stomach that night truth be told i couldn't even look at myself at all. I just felt like a failure If i couldn't do this what could I do? I thought about how my life will never be the same ever again as most babies take up to three months to leave the hospital if they even get to at all how much we'd have to be in the hospital for the rest of her life. Weve been dealt some real shit cards. Cant I just give her some of my heart? Cant my partner give some of his heart? We would give her anything she needed. Not possible. Ive tried to think of how to explain the next week to you guys but its impossible to put into words for me it felt like been in a box in the deepest point of the sea and seeing a random submarine in the distance but if you try to scream to get its attention you'd drown. Although that comparison is shitty because nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. Grief pure grief and heart break, I didnt know why God kept testing me but I also didnt want to question him. Cardiologist appointment arrived and in we went again to check over our baby. So her little heart is underdeveloped and the right side is doing everything for the left side. Everything else looks fine her growth is normal and her movements. The biggest problem though her heart. Now there are four severe things that could be wrong with her heart adding to her syndrome meaning she is unable to have the operation and she only had one of them. Her areola a small vaule to the heart was only 1mm big which will make it harder for the surgeons performing her operation. So it makes a high risk operation even more high risk. Then the cardiologist started coming at us with statistics and they sounded real shit , any hope I'd had left she knocked it the fuck out of me. Information overload I just couldnt believe what I was hearing still all I kept thinking about was how long we're going to know her for I mean we still dont know what were dealing with properly until shes here anyway all we know is she has a 25/75 chance of survival with the op . And a even lower chance without the op. So much to take in. We were told a charity named little hearts matter would get in touch with us and that we could go and visit parents or surviving babies after the op and then we would go and have a look at the children's hospital where our baby will be transported to straight after birth ( I wont even get to hold her until after the op ) blah blah blah just more words that hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. Left that appointment feeling worse than when we went in. I cried a hell of alot that night to in the shower were I felt I could just sit with the freezing cold water hitting me trying to wake me up out of this emotional daze I had dropped into. I went a walk and contemplated just jumping into the moving traffic so me and her could just be free together in a better place. No I refuse to sink. After that I realised most people my age could not put up with half the stuff I've been through hell people twice my age couldn't. I remembered I was super strong (more so than ever before) and that my daughter was just as strong as her mommy. The next day we spoke with the charity and now theres a lovely lady who calls me to see if were okay and how baby's doing. And I have more hope than ever I believe everything is going to be okay in the end and God only tests his strongest people. My baby girl is my will to live and she keeps me strong and she now kicks me real hard every single day her daddy feels and sees her kicks and so do my family and friends. She's so beautiful and strong im now 25 weeks and waiting on more scans I have to have one every two weeks and endless appointments monitoring her. Im a high risk pregnancy but I'm okay for the first time in a while and whenever I have a down day and cry a little my baby makes sure to kick me so I know she doesnt want her mommy to be sad. Dont get me wrong nothing is cured certainly my despair and broken heart for her broken heart, some days I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws my way and other days I cant imagine loosing my little darling , it really hurts not knowing how long I may know her for. But I just have to accept life is an amazing gift no matter how short or long. And although I'm to young to be dealing with all this shit I'm making it my mission to deal with all of this shit just for my girl. And I hope to raise awareness on alot of issues raised in my post. Ill be writing more when the times right and thankyou for listening x https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1700345300267324&id=1696783053956882 https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+helpline_p&utm_content=41730113956&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=p&utm_campaign=384715930_mobile&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1&gclid=CK7R9-e03tMCFcy37QodO20LaA&gor=start-go&fv=d http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/antenatal-depression http://mensadviceline.org.uk https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ My story so far ! .. Stay tuned. #mentalhealth #awareness #littleheartsmatter #speak #useyourvoice #love #follow #strong #pleaseread #story