#‘god i fucking hate my life’ and being so fucking lonely around ppl who were supposed to be my closest family members

[yay-depression]

every day i set expectations and every day i’m reminded why i told myself not to do that

[saphinc]

write  more  plus  size  muses  challenge  (  from  a  writer  with  two  chins  &  counting  )  !!  tw  ;  eating  disorder  ,  body  image  ,  fatphobia  mention.

there  are  a  million  reasons  someone  is  overweight.  some  of  us  don’t  know  ,  or  care.  we  don’t  have  to  explain  it  or  justify  it.  neither  does  your  character.

but  they  can.  and  sometimes  it’s  really  important.  i  have  struggled  with  my  size  my  whole  life  ,  but  i  attribute  most  of  it  to  an  eating  disorder.  but  that’s  for  me  ,  not  you.

we  don’t  need  to  eat  double  the  portion  size  to  feel  satisfied  ,  nor  do  we  need  to  eat  more  often.  our  hunger  works  like  yours  does.

stop  writing  fat  characters  who  are  constantly  snacking  or  asking  every  other  character  for  their  leftovers.  it’s  fucking  rude.  we  don’t  do  that.

if  anything  ,  i  am  more  likely  to  eat  less  or  avoid  eating  altogether  when  around  others.

also  stop  writing  fat  characters  that  are  constantly  dieting.  stop  writing  fat  characters  who  lose  weight  to  be  liked  (  or  for  any  other  reason  for  themselves  ).  we  don’t  have  to  change  ourselves  ,  just  the  people  around  us.

plus  size  bodies  are  unique  and  beautiful.  we  can  be  tall  or  short  or  hairy  or  lanky.  

our  weight  isn’t  all  in  the  hips  and  ass.  mine’s  in  my  torso.  it  can  be  in  your  chest  ,  your  face  ,  stomach,  legs,  thighs.  most  of  the  time  ,  it’s  everywhere  ,  spread  out.

i  have  stretch  marks,  but  those  only  showed  up  when  i  rapidly  gained  weight  .  most  of  my  life  i  didn’t  have  them  despite  being  fat  from  a  young  age.

my  thighs  and  upper  arms  jiggle.  a  lot.

we  don’t  all  hate  our  bodies  &  we’re  not  all  bullied  for  them.  we  make  fun  of  ourselves  too.  i  love  my  jiggly  arms.

that  being  said  ,  we  are  treated  differently.  all  the  time.  sometimes  i  think  people  are  scared  i’ll  crush  them  by  just  standing  there  &  talking  ?  or  they  think  i’ll  breathe  the  fat  plague  in  their  space  ?

shopping  is  really  hard.  most  stores  don’t  cater  to  fat  bodies  at  all  ,  especially  in  women’s.  i  mostly  shop  in  the  men’s  section  or  in  exclusively  plus  size  stores.  our  options  are  super  limited.  that’s  not  our  fault.

the  word  fat  isn’t  offensive.  but  don’t  call  me  it  or  describe  me  as  it.  we  do  use  it  to  describe  ourselves.  and  not  in  a  negative  way  !

speaking  of  ?  did  i  mention  we  don’t  all  hate  our  bodies  and  want  to  change  them?  

edit  your  language.  eradicate  the  idea  that  skinny  is  beautiful.  every  size  is  beautiful  ,  asshole.  i’m  really  cute.  being  fat  and  being  beautiful  are  not  mutually  exclusive.

don’t  say  “you’re  not  fat”  to  a  fat  person  like  it’s  a  compliment.  i  am  fat  and  that’s  okay.  stop  treating  fatness  like  a  character  flaw.

we  fall  in  love  just  like  you.  we  don’t  have  to  settle  for  an  individual  who  makes  us  feel  like  crap  just  to  not  be  lonely.  i  know  it’s  hard  to  believe  but  there  are  actually  people  out  there  who  don’t  judge  character  by  weight.

it’s  not  cute  to  have  fat  as  your  “type”  because  not  one  of  us  is  the  same,  our  bodies  are  so  different  and  our  only  similarity  ,  really  ,  is  we’re  bigger  than  average.  we’re  not  a  fetish.

there’s  no  fat  clique.  i  have  friends  who  are  plus  size  and  ones  that  are  skinny.  i  knew  really  popular  assholes  in  high  school  who  were  fat.  i  knew  soft-spoken  ones  and  edgy  ones  and  stoners.  we’re  not  all  friends.  not  all  of  our  friends  share  our  size.

same  with  our ��families.  stop  assuming  we  come  from  fat  families.  being  overweight  can  be  /  is  genetic  as  well  as  due  to  lifestyle  choices.  both  of  my  brothers  are  skinny.  my  mom  is  bigger  than  me  ,  my  dad  is  average.  my  grandparents  are  small  ,  my  cousin  is  a  little  smaller  than  me  &  my  aunt  used  to  be  big  but  ended  up  losing  a  lot  of  weight  due  to  a  physical  illness.

boobs  sag.  gravity  pulls  them  down  before  anything  else.  mine  bounce  ,  fall  ,  pop  out  of  my  shirt  ,  whatever  the  fuck  they  want.  they  crush  each  other  when  i  lie  on  my  side  and  spread  in  big  blobs  when  i’m  on  my  back.  they’re  super  annoying  and  i  love  them.

it  is  possible  to  balance  items  on  our  chests.  it’s  very  useful.  sometimes  i’ll  prop  my  boob  up  to  have  a  bigger  table  when  i’m  carrying  something.  sometimes  i’ll  rest  my  container  of  applesauce  on  it  while  i’m  lying  down.  my  dog  likes  to  use  them  for  pillows.

i  can’t  see  through  them.  it  takes  some  work.  i  can’t  lay  flat  with  a  bra  on  and  watch  tv  at  the  same  time.  i  can’t  see  through  my  stomach  when  i’m  looking  down  either.  

that  doesn’t  mean  it’s  harder  for  us  or  takes  longer  for  us  to  use  the  bathroom  or  shower.  we  just  have  to  learn  to  do  some  of  it  blindly  or  move  faster  (  because  yes  ,  of  course  we  wash  under  our  fat??  )

i  do  not  sleep  with  a  bra  on.  i  was  told  at  a  young  age  that  i  should  though.  i  don’t  know  if  there’s  any  merit  to  that  tip  or  if  it  was  invented  to  make  skinny  people  at  sleepovers  more  comfortable.  

we  can  (  and  do  )  wear  sports  bras.  same  with  spandex,  tights,  and  crop  tops.  we  can  wear  whatever  we  want  just  like  you.  it’s  just  not  as  easy  for  us  to  find  these  items  in  our  size  ,  in  stores.

being  fat  isn’t  a  disability.  

we  don’t  get  special  treatment  in  gym  class  or  different  expectations  ,  because  guess  what  ?  we’re  not  unhealthy.  stop  babying  us  when  it  comes  to  physical  activity.  we  know  our  own  limits  and  we’ll  tell  you  if  we’re  close  to  them.

we  can  run.  we  can  do  yoga  and  stretch  without  cracking  or  breaking  something.  we  can  &  and  do  have  sex.  we’re  not  always  in  pain  either  ,  for  the  love  of  god!!

there  are  things  we  can’t  do.  the  most  obvious  place  for  me  is  at  carnivals  ?  i  still  go  to  them,  but  i  don’t  go  on  rides.  most  don’t  support  fat  people.  same  with  clothes.  most  of  them  don’t  come  in  our  size.  our  options  are  limited.

we  don’t  sweat  more  than  the  average  person?  weight  isn’t  an  indicator  of  how  much  you  perspire.  

on  that  note  ,  i  don’t  give  a  damn  what  health  blogs  and  magazines  tell  you.  those  are  written  by  skinny  people  who  hate  us  and  think  we’re  gross.  we  are  each  individually  responsible  for  a  so  called  obesity  epidemic  ,  according  to  them.  they’ll  do  whatever  to  convince  you  of  this.

i’m  not  “glorifying  obesity”  either.  i’m  telling  you  that  i  exist  and  i’m  not  disgusting  because  my  body  looks  like  this.

don’t  forget  to  be  intersectional  when  considering  writing  plus  size  characters.  familiarize  yourself  with  harmful  stereotypes  and  misconceptions.  i’m  a  cis  white  woman.  i  have  it  a  lot  easier  than  plus  size  poc,  and  plus  size  trans  ppl.

[fairycosmos]

hm I once listened to this podcast where the host talked about stan culture by comparing it to his meeting the stage musicians penn & teller after a show. he said it broke his brain a little bit because when he finally met them, they (naturally) treated him as a stranger and had no recognition in their eyes. and like obviously he understood why, but after watching their shows for years and hearing them be vulnerable and share pieces of themselves it was like his primate brain deep down felt like they were friends. anyway that was lengthy but the takeaway is that “celebrity” as a concept isn’t natural, the amount that people Feel like they know celebrities has only increased with social media, and it’s sort of sad that people can really truly feel like they understand/are friends with their idols but it sort of makes sense why they do

oh yeah it makes total sense as to why they do honestly!! it’s v formulaic. back when i was on stan twt, when i was like 12-15, it was precisely bc i felt seen and understood for the first time in my life by these artists/other fans, in a way that i never had by the people around me. that is an extremely powerful feeling esp in ppl so young who r like, overly emotional and who haven’t developed basic critical thinking skills yet. n i think that’s how we got to where we are rn with the whole thing sighh :/ companies/artists know this, they know that these kids are lonely and vulnerable and also unfailingly loyal to anything that brings them joy, that doesn’t ostracize them. it’s all a bit fucked up. and 100% its definitely worsened with social media. now you can literally just stalk any celebs profile/content round the clock where they’re posting a window into their actual lives. and if you’re spending all your time consuming that then they really do stop being strangers to you in your head. it’s so weird when someone’s face is that familiar to you, yet they’ve never even laid eyes on you in their life. sets such a weird dynamic. but yeah it seems like, what often happens is that these stans are so obsessive w their love because they mistake connecting with the artists public vulnerability with connecting to them on a personal and mutual level. it really is sort of sad. i hate when i recognize myself doing it bc i know it’s an entirely one sided thing and i have to remind myself that i should just appreciate the work for what it is 2 avoid unnecessarily complicating my enjoyment of the music/content. so god knows what it’s like for kids who don’t even see their hyper fixation w celebrities as odd in the first place

[kaikaikitanmp3]

Excuse me while I toss a bunch of questions at you. I am all here for the rants.

How would you end BSD?

Would you change the ending of Death Note?

Unpopular opinion about Alois Trancy?

Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?

hey bestie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

how dare you apologize for that >:( you know you’re my favourite ranter too!!

How would you end BSD?

lmao no idea. at this point it’s really hard to tell who’s gonna die and who’s not, i think the only person i know for sure will stay alive no matter what is atsushi (wack). i’d like to see fyozai ending each other though, it would be one of the most epic things ever, idk, i would not be at peace if one of them stays alive while the other has to perish. i also don’t quite see them both well and alive at the end of the whole thing. i’d like to see fukuchi destroyed, i want to see fedya laughing at his face and telling him he’s been used like any other person, it would satisfying yea. you know, it’s really hard to try and think “in-canon”, because my thoughts are clearly kind of different from asagiri’s, but yeah. imagine fyozai world domination though:):))):)))))):):)) jk jk (no)

idk i think we’ve talked about fyodor maybe not quite becoming a good man (god forbid) but perhaps landing a helping hand and getting to assist the ada buuut… i can’t say i imagine anyone or anything worse than him haha so idk what they would all fight against, unless it’s like…the apocalypse or something, with mighty gods and apostles involved, but i don’t think it would be quite in genre anyway. so yes, him and dazai destroying each other so the ada, the pm and the rest stay safe and stuff. being a martyr and being suicidal is the same thing, from one point of view, in the end. oh idk why but i really would like to see sigma finding his own purpose in life, i feel so bad for him. actually, no, i want everyone to be happy and safe and in therapy, but no, that would be quite an abominable decision. all that for a happy ending?? no, thank you. i would like to experience a lot of deaths and sacrifices. i think Q will die btw. i’m gonna cry like a baby, but that kid…and i mean it sincerely, but that kid gives off the strongest suicidal vibe, seriously. love them always forever.

oh well, what a mess of an answer. anyway, i don’t think i can answer that properly, i’m very biased bc i’ve read a shit ton of fanfics that were masterpieces, but i think youll understand me anyways. and how would you?? thoughts?? opinions??? please?????

Would you change the ending of Death Note?

no, never. i mean i hate light and i’m glad he’s dead, why would i. L’s death?? heartbreaking, but…no, let’s be real, it was good. it was excellent. it left light lost, confused and lonely, so fuck that little bitch and fuck his god complex.

i feel very sorry for misa, i don’t know if i would change the way she had to end, but that makes a lot of sense, too. no rem, no light, nothing but her shinigami eyes and most horrible memories. maybe it was for the best too, i wouldn’t want her to suffer any more than she already did.

god i WANT to say i’d change mello’s death, but it was top tier writing, too. a stupid death for a stupidly gorgeous boy, and in the end, it all went just like L had wanted: on their own, neither near nor mello couldve defeated light, but together…they could. and they did. mello knew exactly what was doing and what he signed up for, he knew he’d have to go after leaving takada like that, let’s not forget that he was one of the smartest people ever, just like L and near, and knowing this all…brings me peace, yea.

i have a lot of feelings towards ryuk too, i mean, if you look at that, he’s always been an outcast in the world of shinigamis, and the way he sat the after light’s death……he looked quite sad haha. now i’m not saying that he was attached to light, i don’t think light would be capable of awaking anything like that in someone like ryuk, he was not that kind of a person, not like misa; but i’d like to maybe see ryuk finding someone else to watch and to be amused by, he was quite lovable as a character. and to be compleeetely honest with you, i’ve alwYs been wondering about the whole shinigami situation in general, i mean yeah, they’re gods of death, but they looked quite pathetic in their realm. i wouldn’t be opposed to seeing how their story would progress, i remember thinking about it after my first death note rewatch… idk

would you??

Unpopular opinion about Alois Trancy?

alois📣did📣nothing📣wrong

my little meow meow🥺🥺

idk maybe he wasn’t one of the best written characters in the show, but he sure was one of the most interesting ones. you know how fascinated i am by him, you do. he didn’t deserve all that, fuck claude and his fake ass, hope he, uh…burns in hell?? for eternity?? idk i just hope he suffers a lot wherever he is

Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?

no, never. it would be a nice experience, but so far it’s been the other way around, there were so many ships i didn’t mind or kind of enjoyed before they got spoiled for me by, ah…unpleasant ppl

although… a few times i found myself starting to like a ship i used to be indifferent/didn’t know about after learning that ppl i didn’t like hated it. the enemy of my enemy, as they say..

[sadboyx2]

If you somehow come across this, may you answer this question? Why is suicide so bad?

Of course I'm the one attempting suicide. Still, why? Why is not okay for an individual to make that choice for themselves. Its not like I wanted to die from the beginning even when I attempted years ago and was sent to a psychiatric ward. After that I found purpose to live and wanting to be strong ( not religion no offense...agnostic over here)

Here i am now 3 years later in the same hole again but deeper. Yeah I can blame covid but I found out deeper root to my issue that stems even further. But im not here to give you an entire story of my life. I'm here to tell you the struggle of what its like to be at the edge of my own mentality. I can't definitely say I've heard voices in my head in comparison to others but I know that there is a part of myself that has an incentive to destroy me. Sometimes he's not here and I have control. Sometimes he's whispering in my ear telling me the thing I don't want to hear. And sometimes he springs forth like a genie but it's Jafar instead.

Taunting is all I ever hear. Reminding me of what I know is a lie. The more he'll spews out that 9nonsense the more he's sound right. I feel empty inside. I have to find a chance to cry at every moment because its short and helps relieve all these compact emotions and thought in my head....and I'm itching to feel something again. It could be the anti-depressant that I feel blah. Hey at least I don't hear Jafar......nvm he's back.....must mean I need to increase my dosage. 75mg-200mg Wow... I feel wierldy high or buzz. I don't have a million thoughts running around in my head. My brain feels a little foggy but at least the dosage is working, right??

HEY HURRY THE FUCK UP. THIS AIN ROCKET SCIENCE!!! GOD GAVE YOU A BRAIN SO FUCKING USE IT!!! YOU JUST HAVE TO KEEP FIGHTING. KEEP PUSHING DONT GIVE UP. FINISH STRONG!

YES......as my body trembles responding to my manager. I remind myself that I am fighter and ill get up and keep going. Build your walls. You are a survior...you have always tried to survive.....you only push when your at the breaking moment. Dont be a bitch and puss out. Now tell your self that everyday and you'll be successful in your work.

Or maybe you are stupid. Maybe you been hit in the head too many times. I know you're a hack. Your successful here and there. They tell you've work hard and see so much in you. Pfft. I know you're a hack I've seen it. Don't bullshityourself. You are gonna do it and I'm gonna be right. Now....let's get you back into that locker...

It's dark and lonely. I can't breath. My chest feels tight like my lungs are about to cave in. Stop shaking. I can't feel anything. Stop thinking. Stop it. I'm not broken so why is this hard. Isn't it just possible I was born with mental health issue. STOP SHAKING GODDAMMIT.

If you believe that this is nonsense, that's fine. Or tired of reading. I'm only hear to speak my truth. So continue if you want. This is what it exactly sounds like at my breaking point. Prepare for caps...

I hate myself. I FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I HATE THIS LIFE. I HATE MY PASSION I HATE YOU IM TRYING IM TRY SO FUCKING HARD TO SAVE MYSELF. IM DESPARATE IM EXHAUSTED. IM NOT STRONG LIEK YOU STOP THE PAIN IT HURT I CANT BEAR IT ANYMORE IM GOING INSANE ILL DO ANYTHING JUST PLS PLS PLS LET ME DIE. DRUGS I NEED THEM I NEED FEEL SOMETHING LET ME GO I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE ALL OF THIS YOU IF THERE IS A GOD, FATE, DESTINY, WHATEVER HIGHER BEING OUT THERE THAT PREYS ON THE MENTALLY ILL. WELL FUCK YOU ALL TOO YOU DONT CONTROL ME I DONT NEED ANY OF THIS HIT ME WITH A CAR FUCKING JUMP JUST DO IT ALREADY FIGHT YOUR INSTICTS END IT ALLL AAAAGAAGAGAGAGAAGAGAAAAAAAAAAHHHHGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!! I don't mean any of that. It's no ones fault.

I'm alright. Thanks for asking; as I put on the automatic facade that is to be my facial expression. Don't worry that ain't fake entirely. Its like muscle memory. Those two words sums up everything. But if you really wana know how I feel then just read all that above you.

Robin William. Anthony Bourdain, https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicides_in_the_21st_century. You get the point. Mental health awareness rises when this happens. How many more famous ppl death will properly start actually educating ppl on how to help someone who is mentally ill. So far I get this gist of ppl helping is that they will either tell you what to do because they are mentally sane or tough skin; be a listener and provide only space; advise them to seek professional help and what to look out for, aka you just got keep finding the right therapist, you being 100th person telling me that; or throw them into the system because they just be another junkie or homeless. When i went into the system i loved having a security guard with same height guarding my door in the ER with a bright light and telling me to go to sleep. You don't know if they were like that before being homeless or not. Psychiatric wards are no joke. And then they kick you out.

Its not like all I've said is entirely wrong in how to help a person. Just not taught properly especially the fact that everyone is different. I get it too that its not a perfect system and that its complicated. It's really hard to help these ppl when there are so many out there. I might be the lucky ones. Just being open with myself and being completely honest...you know..back to screaming I'm desperate.... Those with depression should learn to take a step back or more just to look at themselves. Question yourself and be honest and even question your answer but be mindful. It's about opening thoughtful opinion not to antagonize yourself. Take certain advice with a grain of salt. Be mindful. Mental health is an on going struggle.

So I end this with letting you know I just wanted to be honest and get this off my chest. I'm tired of being afraid of saying what I really want to say when it only scares people of the truth. Plus I failed in my attempt suicide again so I had to do something. This is the inside of my world. Another being could have a completely different situation, worse; or maybe its similar. It pains me to see others like me or who are not fully aware. I just want to help them. I don't want to see people going through the same insanity and I. To know other worst than I am, it hurts. Or maybe that will be me one day.

And now I ask again. Why is suicide so bad?

#mentalhealth #fuckthesytem #mindfulness #fuckgrammar

[sunflowerhae]

Linger

Episode • 1/8

Mobile Masterlist •

♡ ☾ ✐

Authors note• bro this is so long I’m so sorry I’m breaking it into parts for u (I HATE MY LIFE)

Warnings• mentions of death, language

Songs• something - the Beatles/ With love, Vincent - Murray Gold/ she’s so lovely - beach house

•Na Jaemin remembers the exact moment he first laid his eyes on Y/N Y/L/N.

•He was standing by his locker on the first day of sophomore year

•laughing with Jeno and Haechan about their new math teacher

•when she walked past him with two other girls, smiling and holding some books in her arms.

•Jaemin will tell anyone that listens that this was the first time he felt the air knocked out of his lungs

•He remembers thinking that she was the most beautiful girl that he had ever seen.

•He didn’t know who she was; he had never seen her before (he would remember) (sike he’s stupid)

•yet he knew that he would marry that girl.

•he was worried bc he didn’t know who tF she was, but don’t worry bc the second time he ever saw her was maybe 6 minutes later

•he walked into his 4th period Honors English 10 class, and she was talking to the teacher across the classroom, before moving and sitting down in the first empty seat she saw.

•Jaemin didn’t know what to do

•his new mystery dream girl was in his class.

•Should he sit next to her?

•Should he just ignore her and talk to her later?

•what is gonna wear?

•is he gonna cry?

•Jaemin didn’t have much time to decide

• a mere 10 second delay was all it took for three boys (also on the football team with Jaemin) to enter the room and wrap their arms around his shoulder

•ushering him over to an empty table in the back while showcasing their excitement about being in the same class together.

•Jaemin tried not to show his disappointment, and instead gave one of his usual, dazzling smiles (ya know the one!) while joking along with them

•trying to forget about the mystery girl (and the excitement he got when he learned her name during roll call)

•It was then that Na Jaemin’s and Y/N Y/L/N’s rolls in their story were set in stone.

•He would be the popular boy that everyone knew, but didn’t really know

•and you would be the quiet girl that only a few, special people knew of, but those people were your closest friends.

•And over the course of the next two years, it would stay that way. •Jaemin, secretly pining for you

•and you, thinking the beautiful boy as untouchable.

•That would, however, change, on one god forsaken, cloudy Friday.

•A Friday that would forever be ingrained in Jaemins memory as the day he sealed his lonely fate in the world

•and the day he lost his true soulmate

•before he even talked to her.

•If Haechan’s persistent moaning and groaning about school wasn’t enough

•the weather was gloomy and cloudy

•and anyone with eyes could tell that rain was to be expected. •Jaemin, secretly, didn’t mind.

•Although he would never share it, he loved the rain.

•What he did mind, was his friends continuous bitching.

•”Hyuck, shut up,” -Renjun, 2020

•I mean he wasn’t even paying attention to the group, too preoccupied w his sketch book, sometimes glancing up at a girl that sat across the school yard, before looking back down at his sketch book (spoilers for something I’m writing??? Hehe you’ll never know hehe)

•all Jeno did was MenTion that rainy weather meant football practice would be cancelled

•hyucks smile was BaCk

•Jaemin was not impressed

•okay the conversation went something like this

“Damn Na, why are you looking at me like how my mom looks when my report card come in?” -full sun

•You literally insulted football to my face.” -nana

•haechan let out a loud laugh

•at Jaemin’s expense

•“you don’t know the ups and downs of High-school football” -nojam and injunnie

•also at Jaemins expense

•due to an ongoing joke that Jaemin reminded their friend group of the teenage redhead from riverdale

•Na Jaemin was so upset, he didn’t even eat his fries.

•”I wouldn’t care so much if I wasn’t the fucking captain of the team, hyuck. I mean, I gotta hold you responsible to a certain degree, you’re the fucking quarterback!” -Na Jaemin

•someone bully him

•so as that is happening, 2/3 of the missing members of their group come in HOT

•I mean literally

•they’re breathing heavily and everything

•acting like they just ran a mf marathon

•jisung YEETS his bag in the table (covering Renjuns sketchbook, which annoyed the fuck out of the older boy, but really who cares)

•”Guys guys guys! You will never guess who we just saw in the library!” -Mochi

•”lemme give it a try; mark?” -bitch ass Chinese bitch (renjun)

•”No! We saw Mar- wait what? How’d you know?” -child prodigy Zhong Chenle

•“Uhh, maybe because he texted in the group chat that he was gonna be in the library?” -nojam makin a comeback

•”Okay okay, but - can I have a fry? - did hew shay who hedt be wif?”

•”Swallow your fucking food first, le.” -smart boy you guess who

(Whew are y’all getting sensory overload like I AM)

•“He said, did he say who he’d be with, though? No, he didn’t, but guess who WE saw him with,” -jisung bringing the T E A.

•no one answers

•Chenle and jisung give each other the “we’re friends w dumbasses” look

•“Y/n! He was sitting with y/n!”

•oh shit

•Everyone quickly turned their heads to Jaemin

•tell me why this boy was glaring at the table like it messed w his daughter

•Out of everyone ever, the only people who knew about Jaemins secret crush was the 5 boys sitting with Jaemin

•and the one sitting in the library with said secret crush.

•They didn’t even really know, they just knew that they once saw Jaemin slip something like a note into Y/n’s locker junior year

•and Jaemin made up a bullshit excuse that it was something for class that no one

•-not even Jeno, who always trusted his friends -

•believed.

•”why aren’t you mad”

•”you should be angry”

•literally all of the present boys were THROWING it on jaemin

•and naturally -

•he deflected

•”bro I’m not even upset, I don’t like y/n!”

•lmao K

•now at this point

•the boys thought they were helping

•really

•it was innocent they promise.

•really how were they to know what was going to happen

•so hyuck had JOKED and said that if Jaemin didn’t like u, he wouldn’t mind hurting u

•it was super harmless

•unTil

•some other popular ppl walked over RIGHT as Haechan said that

•and he was like oh fuck

•but silently

•bc Haechan knew what Jaemin was like

•if it was just their lil group still, Jaemin would have told hyuck to fuck off

•but Jaemin was terrified to lose his reputation

•he was an insecure boy

•he would have really done anything to keep his position as most popular boy in school

•so when one of his jock friends dares Jaemin to get you to date him until prom, get ur virginity the night before, and then ditch u at prom and tell you it was all a dare in front of everyone and that he never liked you

•well

•he stupidly agrees

•the dreamies agree with it

•only bc they don’t actually think Jaemin will last

•they think he’ll back out last minute and stay w you

•and that Jaemin will finally get u

•wishful thinking

•you were failing math

•it’s not that you were stupid, you weren’t

•you just R E A L L Y hated math

•and your mom was so upset w your grade

•my girl forced u to get a tutor

•good thing u knew mark

•he agreed to meet w you in the library Tuesday’s and Wednesday’s at lunch

•and Thursday’s if you needed it

•thank god 4 mark

•everything was going Super Fine™️

•up until you both look up when you hear squealing and the sound of someone smacking someone else

•and there’s jisung and Chenle,

•staring at you both

•and squealing

•and smacking each other on the arms

•before just plain running out

•”if I don’t go after them, they’ll tell all of our friends that we’re marrying each other, so i should go.” -Mark fucking Lee

•so you’re walking towards your locker to put all of your math work in it,

•and when you open it, a lil note falls out and flutters to the ground

•your smile: 3% -> 95%

•honestly you were kinda having a shitty day

•so you were so happy to see a note in your locker

•you had been receiving love notes since you were in sophomore year

•you don’t remember exactly when during the year

•but one day, they were just there

•you were excited to add another one to your box

•this one wasn’t big, it just said “Your Personality makes me want to be a better person! I hope you have a beautiful day, sunshine!”

•the rim of the paper had squiggly yellow lines, and the bottom had a poorly drawn sunshine, with a heart, like always

•you didn’t know who your secret admirer was

•but you wish you did

•u lowkey loved them

•you’re still smiling about it as you walk into your 7th period math class

•and the note was found at lunch, like an hour ago

•they make you so happy

•you silently sat down in your seat, and stared off into space with a dreamy look on your face

•and THATS how Jaemin knew you got his note

•you always had that look when you read his notes

•not that you knew it was from him

•it made him so happy

•even if you two had never talked before, he still freaking loved that he could make you smile

•Jaemin wasn’t happy for long

•he tried not to let you notice him staring at you in class,

•it was kinda hard, seeing as you two literally sat next to each other

•he couldn’t believe he had to break your heart

•he wanted to die lowkey lol

•but he had to do it

•not really, but really

•so he took a deep breath

•and opened his mouth

Continued here

{taglist}

@ivietea @fiveguysgoodbyeguys @comically-sleep-deprived @woosans-sann @mozartwasajungkookstan @littlefluu @cxcxlxlee @jaesluvklub @uyuzo @sweetie-yoongi7 @marklexleaf

[peachypunk22]

tag game: 50 Qs

was tagged by @coffeeandchemicals thank you!! 🥰🥰

I’m tagging @bambixxblue @chidorimedaddy @colonel--sarge and anyone else who wants to! 

under cut bc this is pretty long

what is the color of your hairbrush? it’s blue and its not good and ive had it for like 5 years idk 

name a food you never eat: ooh that’s hard. maybe Naengmyeon, which are cold korean noodles, it was literally the only thing i didn’t like in korea

are you typically too warm or too cold? i always run warm!

what were you doing 45 mins ago? eating dinner

what’s your favorite candy bar? do reeses cups count?

have you ever been to a professional sports game? not in a couple years but I’ve been to baseball and hockey games

what is the last thing you said out loud? “god damn it”

what is your favorite ice cream? french silk is like a coffee and chocolate one thats really good. or chocolate cherry garcia

what was the last thing you had to drink? apple cider spiked with fireball

do you like your wallet? no,it’s too big and i need a new one

what is the last thing you ate? I made sesame chicken and rice for dinner

did you buy any new clothes last weekend? Nope!

what’s the last sporting event you watched? probably hockey. probably the red wings.

what is your favorite flavor of popcorn? a lot of butter and salt or the sour cream and onion seasoning you can get

who is the last person you sent a text message to? my mom

ever been camping? Yes and I miss it so bad! I wanted to go this year but no one wanted to come with

do you take vitamins? i started taking a gummy multivitamin a month ago

do you regularly attend a place of worship? Nope! definitely agnostic

do you have a tan? I burn and then go back to being a ghost

do you prefer Chinese or pizza? Pizza

do you drink your soda through a straw? Not usually

what color socks do you usually wear? i love colorful socks! my favorites right now are pink with pineapples on them

do you ever drive above the speed limit? i usually drive a couple over on regular roads, but 10 over on the expressway

what terrifies you? hm, maybe being lonely for the rest of my life?

look to your left, what do you see? black nail polish and War of the Foxes by Richard Siken

what chore do you hate most? dishes! I love to cook and bake but it always means so many dishes!

what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent? surfers probably? and would ask them why the fuck they’re in MI and how they’re faring with the weather

what’s your favorite soda? its pop and i love coke zero

do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? drive-thru

what’s your favorite number? 19 or 22

who’s the last person you talked to? irl? my friend lauren who came to visit last weekend

favorite cut of beef? I like a good NY strip steak, but I’m cheap so for cooking I would just get some chuck

last song you listened to? Space Ghost Coast to Coast by Glass Animals

last book you read? i’ve been reading a Lot of fanfic lately, so the last book was a month ago when I picked up the Heartstopper graphic novel

favorite day of the week? Friday. I can usually sign off work early and make it a really long night

can you say the alphabet backwards? yep

how do you like your coffee? first thing in the morning? black. if im getting it from a place? either cold brew or a macchiato 

favorite pair of shoes? a second hand pair of combat boots

time you normally get up? it varies but usually around 9 since i’ve been working from home

what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets? sunsets! they’re so pretty

how many blankets on your bed? two

describe your kitchen plates. they’re boring. cream with darker speckles

describe your kitchen at the moment. Sink? Mess. Counter? Okay. Table? overrun with a home office and a fresh loaf of banana bread

do you have a favorite alcoholic drink? my go to cocktail is anything with pineapple and tequila. usually i just get a cider or citrus-y light beer

do you play cards? the only thing i know how to play is euchre, but i also play a mean game of uno

what color is your car? black

can you change a tire? my dad showed me once, but every time i’ve popped a tire its been raining and i was too scared to do it myself

your favorite country? idk i need to travel more to find out

favorite job you’ve had? I worked as a set up tech/office assistant for a medical simulation center used for training medical students and other healthcare ppl. i was a very hands on and interesting job where i never did the same thing twice. i would have loved to stay there but it was only part time

I tag: whoever wants to

[littlebitalexis]

Schitt’s Creek Questionaire

tagged by @bestwisheswarmestregards

1. Favorite Schitt’s Creek character: david rose tbh. alexis is a v close second

2. Favorite Quote: can i quote the entirety of  the title track off the critically reviewed, limited reality series, ‘a little bit alexis?’ esp the ‘im a cute huge yacht’ bit, absolutely gets me every single time.

3. Who is the best dressed character in Schitt’s Creek?  alexis i think? like, the 70% of david’s wardrobe that i love, i love with my whole heart. but that other 30% i absolutely hate, whereas with alexis it’s a much more positive/neutral even split, so she comes out the overall winner. omg also, her workout gear? god damn

4. If you could be best friends with any character in Schitt’s Creek, who would it be? stevie bc she provides the weed and is also hot and i think she’d be down to join me for wine/mst3k movie nights. altho im tempted to say alexis bc she has to have a ton of air miles saved up, right? i wanna say patrick as well, but if i’m being honest he’d just make me feel anxious about all the paperwork/emails i’m constantly avoiding in my everyday life. which makes me sound like david and proves answer #6 a lie.

5. How many times have you watched the series up until this point? straight thru? 4 times i think. but individual eps/seasons have def been rewatched more than 4 times.

6. Which character are you most like and why? honestly i’m nothing like her really, but i relate so much to alexis. her whole going back to school and getting her degree arc? v much get that, love that journey for me,

7. Would you live at the Rosebud motel? nah man, i’d take that haunted $275/month soundproofed studio apartment from s2 in a fuckin heartbeat. david and alexis were both idioots for letting that one slip away, even if carl did hang himself from the ceiling fan there.

8. Do you prefer Patrick or David’s version of Tina Turner’s The Best? i’m gonna say patrick, bc due to 2nd hand embarrassment i can’t watch david’s performance without anxiously pausing every 3 seconds. i think it’s the eye contact with the camera in the beginning? having said that, i also have to pause patrick’s version every 6 seconds probably. i’m likely the only person on the planet who’s grateful to roland and jocelyn for interrupting that sincerity-fest. which only serves to prove that my answer for #6 (and #4) is a lie and the truth is that i’m actually most like stevie.

9. If you were to work in Schitt’s Creek, where would you work? cafe tropical for sure. that place is always popping and twyla is the only waitress so i’d get a ton of tables. she must make a killing in tips. sry to rose apothecary but food service industry > retail every fuckin time. i know ppl like to hate on tipping culture but you can make some money (when there isn’t a pandemic floating about. fuck you 2020 all restaurant dreams everywhere).

10. What moment made you laugh the most in the show? there are a lot, but i gotta say that i think the biggest laughs from me were moira-driven. the danny boy solo from s1, her interactions with the fiddly old man from motel review, the gd bernadette peters wig/latex gown ensemble from ‘rip moira rose’

also every single moment of moira as dr clara mandrake?? an icon (also i keep thinking of the ‘character within a character’ as ‘clara barton’ which is 1. disrespectful 2. absolutely awesome 3. can you believe that a human/crow hybrid founded the red cross????? incredible.)

11. Favorite episode? most of my favs are the ones that a lot of others would also say are their favs, so there’d be no surprise there. so instead i’m gonna mention my fav from s1: carl’s funeral

12. What actor would you most like to be friends with in real life? truly idk, i have a weird thing where when i become a fan of a show i find it rly hard to watch any interviews with any of the cast. i wanna say catherine o’hara tho. but also maybe dan levy bc i did somehow talk myself into watching that sturday night seder that he guested in, so who knows. i was feeling really lonely about passover this year.

13. What was the most touching moment for you? first things i thought of were the david/stevie moments from s6, esp that convo on the hood of her car in front of the cottage. also the entire second half of grad night, the alexis/ted breakup, and the s2 finale, and the scene in patrick’s apartment in meet the parents, and the bit in ‘driving test’ where david admits how much he worried about his sister over the years. i get emotional about this show a lot, don’t really have the desire to pin it down more than that tbh.

not tagging anyone bc i went and disappeared for 2 months and idek who’s done this or even who’s around anymore! also it’s 3am rn and i don’t want to be that person. but if you see this and want to claim i tagged you, i’ll totally vouch for you that i did.

[estradioltone]

Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

[serenagaywaterford]

Hello, I really don’t know who to talk to but I’m realizing I’m a lesbian after identifying as bisexual since 2016, I came out to my parents and they’re both supportive and happy for me. I’m a highschooler and it’s awkward being gay and no one knowing as ppl tease me to date my guy friends. Any tips or advice in general on being a lesbian? It’s still so weird to talk about but I wanna grow to be very open with my sexuality

Been there. (I used to insist I was straight (for YEAAAAARS I was with the same guy), then bisexual cos I thought I had to be since I was “straight” and not particularly conflicted about it for so long. So it’s a process and a journey getting here no matter what, and everyone takes different routes.) And I’ll be honest, you’re way ahead of the game already. Good for you and you should be proud and happy with yourself for being so self-aware and in touch with yourself. That takes a lot of insight and courage.

I think generally… people will say a lot of things but until you are comfortable being around your friends and family as yourself, it’s never going to be easy. It’s not easy when you’re out either but at least you’re not stuck hiding who you are and adding that level of tension to every interaction. To be honest, I was never particularly comfortable with myself. Not even when I got married to another woman. (My issues with the institution of marriage aside…) But in my job I basically am forced to come out daily to complete strangers, constantly, with the words “my wife”. It gets way, way easier and I’m lucky enough to be in a place and a position that affords me that freedom. Not everyone is.

Are the people teasing you your friends? I mean, high school fucking sucks. I don’t even care how people want to romanticise it after the fact, or in media, or whatever. Even the best experiences are littered with a bunch of drama. We’re all idiots in high school and we all treat our friends like shit half the time, even our best friends. I didn’t have a bad time in high school. In fact, I’d say it was pretty good overall. (I wouldn’t do it again, mind you.) But still, the shit you put up with from friends is just excessive, and also the shit you give friends–or at least the shit I gave my friends lol. It’s just so… ugh.

So, I mean, without knowing much more about the situation, I would confide in my good friends. Unless, for some reason that endangers you in some way. And yes, unlike some hardcore people, I do think social ostracization in high school is damaging. I don’t buy into the whole “Well, if they don’t like it fuck them, all you need is you!” cos that’s bullshit. You DO need friends in high school, even if they’re not perfect friends, even if you won’t stay friends with them in a few years. Having social support is incredibly important and to be alienated completely is lonely and leaves you vulnerable, and you miss out on stuff too. I mean, if your friends are complete total assholes, then by all means, drop them cos that won’t help and you may be better off alone, but if they’re only sort of annoying, well… That’s life, lol. Until you get out of the fishbowl of high school and people being to calm the fuck down about every tiny drama, there aren’t a lot of options. I found my best friends annoying af sometimes, and some of them had views on certain subjects that fucking pissed me off. But hey, at the end of the day, we still got along and had a bond, and worst came to worst almost all of them would be there for me, and me for them, despite some differences.

Are those the type of friends you have? Or do you think your friends would turn on you if you confided in them?

It’s so lonely to hold onto a secret like that, and constantly put up with what I’m sure they think is harmless teasing about boys. It can hurt you, and god, it’s fucking irritating on top of everything else. And, I hate to say this, but that sort of thing NEVER ENDS. It gets less and less, but I’m literally married to a woman for like 2 years now and a dude friend of ours just last week asked us if maybe we both just hadn’t found the right men yet. And on the subject of sex, he said, “Well, how do you know if you haven’t tried it?” to my wife. Interestingly, she is not a gold star and knows very well what hetsex is like (she fucking HATES it on every imaginable level), but she’s just never volunteered that information for public consumption. Still, as you can see, you’ll always have stupid imbecile friends who say stupid ass comphet shit to your face, even when you are blatantly a lesbian. Unfortunately, it one of those things you just have to… learn to deal with. I hate that we must.

I know that’s not exactly helpful or hopeful, but it’s reality. So these dumb friends of yours, maybe they’re not doing it to be hurtful or annoying, they just genuinely think you like boys. There’s only really one solution to get them to stop (and even that isn’t going to be a guarantee) and that’s to come out to them–only if you can. Tell them how it makes you feel. Share with them what you’ve said to me. It’s hard enough to exist as a lesbian right now, let alone having to hide and be shamed for it. Friends should get that. But all of them may not… 

I had one friend who was super open with her “sexuality” (she’s an attention whore, lbr.) who, when I told her finally that I think I wanted a girlfriend, she was super supportive. Then when the group of them were going to a gay club, I said I’ll tag along and she told me no. And her exact words: “You look too straight. Nobody will talk to you and I don’t want people to think I’m straight too.” (SHE IS STRAIGHT, just for the record. But she likes to steal girls’ boyfriends by doing threesomes, pretending to be into girls, threesomes, and poly, and then manipulating the boys into dumping their gfs. She also likes to breakup girlfriends just to prove she can. She has NEVER been in a relationship with a woman, only breaks lesbian couples up and then fucks off. She tried it with me and my girlfriend once. Nice friend. Just so we all know what she’s like.)

Note: These were my high school friends, and I was in my mid-20s at this point. We’d been friends for over a decade. And they still said shit like that. (And I mean, in some way, I get it cos when we’d go out to non-gay spots I’d get picked up by men CONSTANTLY, and women never looked at me that way. It was super aggravating.)

Which, it turns out, was her way of saying “You’re competition and I don’t want you around.” (and she’s obsessed with stereotypes), cos when I started going to gay clubs and parties with other friends who weren’t douchebags about it, NOBODY judged me like that. And I remember meeting my wife for the first time and telling her that story and she was just like “WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOUR FRIENDS?! You do look super straight but I like you and I’m super gay”. And then she took me to a lesbian bar, and I didn’t change a thing about myself, and was picked up by all sorts of girls, and really hit it off with the cutest butch girl I’ve ever seen to this day. (It didn’t end up going anywhere but still, it was nice to learn that sometimes your friends are just insecure assholes.) It really is dependent on who they are, where you live, etc. etc. And those are only things you know. I can’t comment on what the best course of action is without knowing the nitty gritty.

SO, that’s a long way of saying, people suck. Even your friends sometimes. It’s going to be difficult for a while as you weed those sorts of people out of your life. Being an open lesbian is rocky, especially at first when everything is sorta all over the place. But it does settle down, and you make better friends. And since your parents are supportive that is a HUGE hurdle you don’t have to deal with, which is absolutely AMAZING :) It’s so nice to hear.

But if you’re not able to come out and get support IRL, that’s fine too. My advice is what you’ve already done :) Come online and reach out to older lesbians. They’re the ones with the experience. If it wasn’t for the older lesbians in my life (either online or IRL that I met, including my wife), I’d be so much more insecure. I would probably still be walking around feeling a lot of shame, embarrassment, anxiety, shyness, confusion, etc. 

But there’s something comforting about talking with women who have lived the same struggles, and hear about all the paths they all took and the ways they’ve dealt with specific issues. And they’re generally more calm, more realistic, and more compassionate than other baby dykes who aren’t in a privileged, secure position yet. Not that there is anything wrong with bonding with others of the same age. That is also INCREDIBLY important because those experiences will directly reflect your own, and there’s built-in support with peers. The things older lesbians have been through may not translate as well for you. A lot of us didn’t have the same pressures of social media, etc. But we also didn’t have the same online resources available either. So, it’s an interesting balance. I will say my friendship with my best friends from university (one is a lesbian too, one is straight as an arrow but a huge ally) are just as important cos age is a factor.

You can get insight from older women, but you need peer bonds too.

Online I think is very important nowadays, especially when you’re not able to go to spaces like gay clubs and bars yet. And surround yourself with positive lesbian representation. If that whole soft cottagecore thing does it for you, keep that in your orbit. But also never be ashamed or fearful of the sexual part of your sexuality. Just like it’s natural to romantically love women, it’s natural for lesbians to physically love them too. 

I feel like as toxic overall as tumblr is, there are corners of it that have been incredibly supportive and nurturing even to me. Especially lesbian positivity blogs and women’s arts, etc. Poetry written by lesbians is beautiful and inspiring to me. It’s a whole genre I had no idea existed, and that has given me a great deal of peace because I can finally relate to words. Music, written and performed by gay and bisexual women is the same. It may seem trivial or cheesy, but it’s powerful to hear about women like you in songs. I have to say Mary Lambert, for one example, helped so much. I remember listening to Alix Olson in secret too when I was much younger (maybe that should have been something of a hint to myself, lol.) King Princess and Girl In Red are current faves, Saara Aalto, Shura and Brandi Carlile are a constant faves I always love (not that I even knew that about Brandi’s sexuality til recently cos I apparently live under a fucking rock lol), but I have whole lists now and it’s wonderful to have taht access. 

When you’re all alone, seeking out lesbian musicians and writers can make so much difference in easing that isolation, and confusion, and fear. They speak to you and about us, as a whole. It’s affirming and less lonely.

Same goes for well-written fanfiction. Things that avoid the drama of fandom (cos there’s so much drama even when you have canon f/f pairings), because fandom is really just microcosms of society at large with all the same morons in it. But fanfic was such an escape where I could learn and explore all the things that most everywhere wouldn’t show me. TV shows touched on it (especially back 10 years ago there was like nothing), but fanfic made it real.

Even when you’re feeling secure, I think it still helps to have all the representation we can, and just… you know, revel in it.

Do not watch porn. Don’t. It’s awful and horrible and not at all realistic. A well-written fanfic by actual gay or bi women is way more helpful. Avoid porn at all costs. It will never teach you anything your body doesn’t already know about how to be with a woman (although I’m sure for you this isn’t a pressing concern at the moment). I just know that I made the mistake of it, and also stupid ass magazine/how to articles. Ignore ALL that junk. When you get a girlfriend there’s only ONE thing you need to know how to do, and that is communicate honestly. Everything else falls easily into place.

When you say it’s so weird to talk about it, I feel that. It took me YEARS to even really be able to comfortably say the word, especially in relation to myself. That feeling will pass. It’ll take time and don’t push yourself into any sort of thing you’re not ready for. You’ll feel weird about it probably, and that’s on society, not you. “Lesbian” still does have a stigma attached to it that a lot of people are afraid of or dismissive of. Just… try your best to tune that out. That’s all you can do. You’ll feel comfortable eventually. :) Give it time. You’re already doing well. The fact you can say it to me, even as anon, is beautiful.

You’ll be very open one day if that’s what you want and being a lesbian, and being seen as one, will be second nature. I mean if I think about myself at 20 and now, there’s a very big difference. I used to shy away from so many things, and dress particular ways to avoid things, now I’m definitely not giving nearly as many fucks. Also, I’ll say here that I own a bar. It’s not a gay bar, but almost every day we’re open, at least one lesbian couple will come in. And honestly my heart grows so big and warm every single time. (Gay men come in too, ofc.) But there’s something particularly ecstatic in me that I get to see that everyday. (I don’t actually have many gay friends at all.) I love the openness and acceptance and comfort. And I love telling people there that I own it with my wife, and see people’s faces light up. (Some don’t… but, meh, that’s real life too. I’ve had a few shitty fucking people come in too.) There are a lot more lesbians and bi girls around than we probably know. :)

You are not alone. Even if it’s only talking to people online, you’re never alone. 

And never get discouraged that other people seem to having an easier or better time at it. Everyone moves differently, and for some it is easier, some it’s way more difficult but that doesn’t mean you need to pressure yourself, or change. I took my way exceptionally slowly and awkwardly, but ya get there eventually if you surround yourself with genuine people.

It sounds cliche but it does get easier talking about yourself as a lesbian as long as you surround yourself with positive lesbian content/people, and it takes practice (sometimes a lot of it as I’ve learnt), especially dealing with internalized stuff. But you’ll get there. You’re still super young and you have so much ahead. :D

I don’t have specific personal advice about how to handle it all in high school cos I didn’t have to deal with that. Just that there’s a whole world outside high school, even though it may not feel that way sometimes. If you’re in a small town or in a country where it’s not accepted, you’ll have a harder time finding love but it is ALWAYS possible, somehow. Never feel like there is nobody at all. There is. There’s some cute, hot, smart, interesting girl somewhere that will be into you as much as you’re into her. It’s just a matter of time til you find each other. If nothing else, in the mean time, you can form friendships and bond with people online in various ways.

I wish somebody had told me in my teen years that it’s possible to be in love with a woman, that I’m going to kiss girls one day and suddenly everything else is going to make sense and feel right after so long of things not quite fitting together, that it’s just as possible to be fulfilled with a woman as it is with a man. I wish someone would have told me I’d be loved by a woman in ways that nothing else would ever match. That I’d touch women and feel at peace with myself, and being intimate with them will change my whole life, and it’s something I was meant to do and feel. That loving women will help me love myself in a way that I never realised, and that just goes back and forth forever cos if you love yourself, loving other people is so much easier. And not to fight that cos I’m too scared to face the not so nice parts about being out. Bad shit is gonna happen no matter what, but better stuff will make up for it. I wish someone had told me that “lesbian” isn’t a bad word (I grew up with a lot of homophobia everywhere, including my family), and that I will cringe when people call me that initially but that should force myself to use it at first, cos it’ll get way better and feel right the sooner that happens. It is what I am, and I can’t avoid it forever. Own it. Cos as soon as you do, the sooner they can’t use it against you the same way anymore. But nobody said any of that to me.

And never, ever let anybody ever guilt, shame, manipulate, or pressure you into anything you don’t feel is right for you or your body. You’ll feel it deep down what you want and need, and what you don’t want and don’t need. Don’t ignore that. Don’t let anybody talk, guilt, scare, or shame you out of that. It may be hard but you already seem very strong and self-aware.

You’re not thinking wrong, you’re not made wrong. There’s a lot of that around in our society and lesbophobia is very alive still, everywhere. 

You don’t need to find the “right man”. Ever. There’s no perfect high school boyfriend waiting for you if you’re a lesbian. There’s a girlfriend waiting for you. More than one, probably! You’ll love many women throughout your life and they’ll return it back to you. You’ll have friends that love you and support you. And when you say, “I’m a lesbian” it’ll roll off your tongue as easily as your name. Or your wife’s name. :) And you won’t feel any twinges of awkwardness or shame.

I wish you nothing but love and kindness, anon. Xx

And, also, anybody can ask me anything, btw. I generally really fucking suck with advice but my askbox is always here, if anybody needs it.

[clamorbelli]

whaddup . it’s ya boy , skinny penis . ok so there’s not much to put here except hi to any new people that might’ve not seen my intro for noelle & angelo ( CLICK HERE ). i’m jaz, & this here is my newest babe, sebastian higgings. i’ve definitely missed stuff, but underneath the cut u’ll find plenty of fun stuff abt him. and by fun i mean tragic , bc sebastian is a piece of shit. ; )

‹  LIKE THIS OR HMU IF YOU’D LIKE TO PLOT WITH SEB.  ›

TRIGGER WARNINGS  :  death, drugs, alcohol, emotional instability, therapy mentions, unhealthy habits, blood mention.

◟ * ◊ ─  keith powers + cismale + he/him » * believe it or not sebastian belongs to the higgings family. they are 26 years of age and are known to usually spend their time around buena vista apartments. the photographer has been living in victoria for 22 years. the people closest to them describe the bisexual + aquarius to be +inspired and +autonomous as well as -callous and -debauched.

sebastian is the ( current ) eldest son of the late johnathan and sasha higgings, born to the couple when they were happy, in love, and a shining example of what marriage should be. sebastian was a momma’s boy through and through from the day he was born, severe separation issues plaguing his infantdom, only rectified through intense therapy. his bond with his mother, even after finally being convinced she wasn’t the only nice person in the world, never wavered however. they were thick as thieves.

there was never anything remarkable about seb’s childhood except his fondness for the family camera whenever they went on holiday. his parents first believed it was a desire to model, but they soon came to understand it wasn’t being in front of it that seb wanted, he wished to be behind it. from then on they gave him a disposable on every trip, and before long the house was full of his amateur photography.

when he was ten, the unthinkable and unfathomable happened. his mother died. seb had been an entirely normal, average kid up until that point, but part of him died the day his mother slipped away forever. it was impossible for it not too, with the amount of time they’d spent together, his dependency on her at birth, the fact she was his best friend and it didn’t matter what the kids at school thought. as a child, he was ruined, affected for the rest of his life in ways he didn’t quite understand yet.

seb was sixteen by the time victoria was adopted into the family, and his reign of terror on victoria had long since begun. he came home with bloody noses and bruises more times than he could count, he sneered and spat at other kids in the playground, knowing they could do little except beat him to a pulp and have their parents foot the bill. he started drinking all too early, dabbled in drugs no sixteen year old should’ve touched, spent nights away from home, uninterested in the new woman in his father’s life.

victoria, however, was a different story. the pair got on like a house on fire, likely because of their bratty, conniving ways. at that age sebastian was like gasoline and his newfound sister was the match. natalya still had seb’s heart from when they were kids, his sister being the one thing in life he still felt warmth for, but victoria had managed to form a relationship of her own with him. for a while it was them against the world, until cassandra stepped in, pitted the girls against each other, and made life infinitely harder for a boy already on the brink.

he and his father argued daily. blazing rows that ended in smashed kitchenware. seb was losing it but the higgings patriarch failed to see his behaviour as anything more than childish cries for attention. seb didn’t know the empty feeling in his chest wasn’t normal. he didn’t know he shouldn’t play with girls emotions until they cried. he didn’t understand why he only felt things when he was getting into schoolyard fights or looking through the lens of a camera.

seb graduated high school and chose to do an online course for photography, honing his skills whilst remaining close by until his sisters graduated. when they did, he only managed a year without natalya before leaving the city himself, he would miss victoria dearly, but they facetimed every day and skyped properly at the weekends. before he left he told his father to stick his businesses up his ass. he was disconnecting from his legacy. his final words to his father were full of toxicity and rage, as they had been for 12 years now.

he went to new york, cliché and crazy as it may have been, and found a surprisingly immense amount of success. through some ridiculous means, his shots were picked up by a local, renowned photography blog, the owner of the blog also owning a gallery, wishing to display his work. from then on it was up and up. seb travelled the globe, was able to shoot the most incredible places, spent his weeks on planes and trains and on his feet. he had his dream, he made a name for himself, he didn’t need his father.

seb may have had the career of his dreams, but his personal life was a shambles. full of one night stands with no substance, exes that hated his guts, friends who’d found it too unbearable to be around him. he was arrogant, confident in himself to a fault, unable to connect with passion on any level except with his work. he was a riot, a fun guy to be around who was willing to try anything once, but he lacked the ability to form meaningful relationships. people came and went and seb was left, alone, in his fancy apartment somewhere in manhattan. he was as lonely as he was the day his mother had died, things in that regard had never changed.

the phone call he received when victoria died shook him to his core, the male feeling something other than debauchery for the first time in a long time. his father? a fucking waste of space who failed to keep his children safe, but victoria? he flew home just days ago, having one emotional instinct left in him – his brotherly instinct. natalya was still alive and god knows seb was going to lose another member of his family. 

PERSONALITY  :

ok so yeah, seb’s an dick. when i say emotionally unavailable i mean . . . highly, on an unhealthy level that requires some serious therapy. seb lost himself when his mother died and since then he’s been trying to find some solace in these flings he always has but, of course, he never will. he’s apathetic when it comes to people becoming attached to him so tends to be particularly cruel with ppl who get involved w him.

asshole . like, just not . .. a nice person . will point out someone’s faults, will tell u if ur skirt is ugly as fuck, willing to laugh in your face if he thinks what you said is stupid. just doesn’t . . give a f. needs to grow up.

hOWEVERRRR R rr. ofc if he was like that 24/7 he’d never even get people into bed in the first place so he can, of course, turn on the charm. he’s very flirtatious, loves sex and sexually charged conversations. flirting is a hobby for him and it’s one he has fun with. if ur not looking for anything deeper, seb isn’t too bad ig . if you can engage him on things he wants to talk about, keep things chill, not take his dickheadedness to heart, etc, he can be manageable. sort of.

massively confident, but unfortunately it’s justified. he’s beautiful, he’s talented, he’s rich of his own accord, and he’s successful. he’s massively independent, but finds it hard to work in a team.

he’s ! lowkey ! a visionary !!! when it comes to photography he really is that bitch and is genuinely incredible at his job because it’s something he’s actually passionate about. he never turns down the opportunity to photograph, so even though usually he loves money, he’d be willing to do a lot of photography for free whilst he’s back bc ? he just loves doing it, and it reminds him of his mom and how she encouraged him.

uHhh bad habits to the max. the only one of my charas who regularly takes hard drugs and drinks, has a penchant for mdma and is looking into microdosing to help his artistic ability. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS  :

exes from before he moved away

fwbs

best friend, probably only 1 bc . . . intolerable

any kind of connection from before he moved, bc it’s always exciting to see someone again after four years right

enemies lmao

people he knew in new york, if anyone has charas who’ve been there recently

people that were friends with vic

i dunno i’m not good at these y’aLL KNO I LIKE BRAINSTORMING DOMFDOD

give me some angsty shit too

[mcthieus]

it’s ya girl moose back at it again what’s good ?? as per usual....HMU or LIKE THIS if u wanna plot and i’ll come to u. matty is not as big of a pos as most of my other character so hopefully y’all like him. catch his pinterest HERE. more info under the cut~

( jeremy allen white )? no that’s ( mathieu sauvé ) the ( twenty-four ) year old ( hockey player ). who has been in town ( one year ) and reminds everyone of ( crushed beer cans, freshly sharpened ice skates, and goofy chipped tooth smiles ). maybe it has something to do with the fact the ( cismale ) is always ( self-indulgent & vacuous ) or ( enthusiastic & dependable ). either way ( he/him ) is apart of the town.

goes by matty bc most people can’t say mathieu right. if u call him matthew...........he will be very upset because he is a lil snooty québécois bitch !!!! idk if y’all are or know anything about french canadians but they are indeed snooty (as one of them i can Confirm)

he got a cute lil accent hon hon hon

anyway !!!! he was born and raised in montreal by a single mom, and spent basically his entire childhood playing hockey. if not on skates for the league team, then on the road playing with the other neighbourhood kids.

he had a twin named gabriel & the two of them were......absolute best friends. total inseparable but they were v different and were in totally different crowds in high school ?? his brother was more of a like.....skid i guess asdhkj like wasn’t rly in the good crowd & he was bullied a lot in school and......matty wanted to stick up for him but at the same time didn’t want to like fuck up his own reputation u kno ??  he was kind of a dick

gabe ended up passing away from an overdose after a party when they were 16 and it was rly fucking awful like......that’s was his twin man and suddenly he was gone??? and suddenly he was filled to the brim with guilt and regret for not sticking up for him and helping him out when he had the chance

he was very angry about the whole thing & rly......actually made him better at hockey??? it provided him a rly good outlet to get his frustrations out

and also he partied a LOT

his professional hockey career started when he was 18, right out of high school playing for the ahl toronto marlies and played for them up until last year

he is what the cool kids call a goon........or an enforcer if u wanna be fancy. basically that mean he just.....fights people?? like anyone who does one of the better players or the goalie dirty it’s just his job to fuck them up by checking them v aggressively or just....decking them ( which he prefers tbH he luvs to fight)

so he isn’t really great at the game itself but he is good at what he does and he gets a fuck ton of penalties but that just means he’s doing his job right (kind of shdifjf)

his nickname is the suave scrapper

rn he is a prospect for the arizona coyotes and plays for their ahl affiliate, the tuscon roadrunners. he just played with them for the first time in their 2017-2018 season

and honestly thank god bc he fucking hates toronto with a passion. decided to live in tallow bc it seems like a nice lil place and he doesnt mine the commute.

he......hates the weather tho like ya boi needs the cold to live!!!!! his canadian ass is dying

10000000000% a mama’s boy. he misses his mom so much....prob talks to her on skype or facetime every day. she is his entire world and he loves her sm

probably the dumbest person u will ever meet. he lacks academic smarts as well as just general common sense. ur run of the mill idiot. he’s very like.....me play sport, me punch things. probably just recently learned how to do his own laundry

basically a man child

he loves food and he eats A LOT. but he is an athlete so he needs those carbs goils !!!!!! he rly loves american food like give him a big ol’ cheeseburger and he’s drooling like a dog. also loves breakfast foods like way too much

but other than that he’s generally v healthy bc...he’s gotta be

has had too many concussions to count and has a bunch of fake teeth after having ‘em knocked out or chipped while playing hockey. he won’t tell u which ones tho. but it’s a lot

he was really popular and cool in high school (bc that’s how hockey bois be) and he had a lot of girls that like fawned over him, which rly distorted his own perception of himself and now he thinks he’s like.....rly hot shit and that he’s very charming when really he’s just a big dumb oaf 

but he honestly just........loves girls so much??? he loves everything about them and he’s very open about this. like...not even just banging girls but just generally he thinks that girls are the most wonderful beings to grace the earth and he will worship any girl who even TALKS to him or gives him the time of day. girls are so magically and he has a crush on every girl he meets

he’s definitely the kind of person to have had a lot of girlfriends in the past not bc he’s a player or anything but bc like i said....he has a crush on every girl ??? he just gets so lonely when he isn’t like seeing someone or isn’t like.....flirting with or like doesn’t have a thing with someone i guesS???? he just loves love and has a lot to give

thinks ppl who are just being nice are flirting and thinks ppl who are flirting are just being nice

so he’s like........lowkey a soft boy even tho he is very.......punchy

at the same time tho he is kind of a dick and will be like.....talking to other guys about how many girls he’s fucking and how he’s such a ladies man and whatever but he actually is......a bumbling mess and the worst at flirting but that doesn’t stop him from trying

doesn’t understand that sex doesn’t equal feelings ??? and.....fwb don’t rly work out for him bc he is destined to catch feelings and then be like shook when they aren’t reciprocated

just recently got out of a pretty long relationship?? him & his girlfriend lana tried to make it work long distance bc she didn’t want to leave toronto and it didn’t work out, and she dumped him a few of months ago. he found out that she was cheating on him both before and after he moved away. it was very difficult for him & they dated for a p long time so he is still like....v heart broken but he’s getting back out there

he started smoking because lana did and he wanted her to think he was cool and now he wants to quit but can’t bc.....every cigarette reminds him of her and he’s a big sappy idiot with a broken heart

but he doesn’t do any drugs!!!!! obviously he is a Sports man

he drinks a lot tho. always has and always will love beer with a burning passion. he parties a lot and is basically always hungover but he’s here for a good time not a long time!!!!!!!!!!! just wants to have fun and do this Thing

he is very social and can’t like......stay home alone for long period of time??? like he needs friends and needs to be out doing something or else he goes insane

he is very loyal tho like.......would definitely set himself on fire & fight 7 thousand people for u if ur his friend

very goofy & always joking around. to be quite honest..............he is a walking talking Meme

he is a simple man. not very complicated. he’s honest for the most part and what u see is what u get. a very good listener. u can depend on him and he will b there

probably definitely mostly straight but who knows tbh

ok here’s some connections y’all can...throw at me

workout buddies!!! u know he’s living that Gym life & doesn’t like to be alone so that would b lit

friends!!!! pls he needs...........................so many or else he will Die

hookups !!! fair warning tho he will.....prob fall in love w them

party pals !! ya boy is a party animal and again...he ain’t gonna do it alone!!!

maybe....someone that makes him rly mad & he wants to figHT them

idk to be honest.....anything

more can b found here

[matazz]

entries

diary entries of roy endoza

here’s some journal entries of roy endoza that i wrote for the duration of the campaign. for the most part, i kinda wrote these in my twitter drafts just to write down roy’s thoughts. sometimes to remember events that happened, and sometimes just to vent out roy’s feelings to myself. i ended up saving these on a document for safe keeping and i’m glad i wrote these.

‪entry 47‬

‪i miss milo so much. his laugh, his eyes, his smile. i would do anything to have that back.‬ ‪i know its my fault he’s gone. its only been a few months, but i’ll fix that; all of it. no matter how long it takes, no matter what happens. i’ll find some way to do it.‬ ‪entry 53‬ ‪i’ve retrieved a letter from a dream telling me to visit latham and retrieve a key. i’m curious, so i’ll check it eventually. it was definitely odd.‬ ‪entry 55‬ ‪i met a young boy. his name is fox. he’s some sort of shapeshifter. he’s quiet, but his presence is nice company. he also received a similar letter to mine. i have a feeling we’ll be travelling for a while.‬ ‪entry 62‬ ‪we retrieved the key & met some other ppl with letters too. we’re heading to a trinket store back in origin now. i dont wish for them to know of my life so i’ve found a way to steer them as far from possible to finding out about myself. i’ll probably visit ma too.‬ ‪entry 63‬ ‪an elf woman named leera attacked us after i told her i wasnt going to give her this key. i dont like her. she seemed very cocky.‬ ‪entry 65‬ ‪delilah is kind.. i feel like i’m able to trust her. i asked her a question about my goals, vaguely, and it turns out that ayce asked a similar question. based on the message in his later i get the feeling he’s undead.‬ ‪entry 66‬ ‪i told ayce the biggest con in all of history.. but i confirmed he’s undead. i have more hope in my goals now that i know its possible. he hugged me bc he thinks we’re similar. i dont usually allow people to do that but i’m sad for him. i wish i could ask more about him. ‬‪entry 69‬ ‪i’m getting closer to ayce, unexpectedly, but good for me. i need his information.‬ ‪he talks to me a lot about his life; i think he’s become dependent on me which is easy for me. its hard for him to see i’m using him when i lie to his face.‬ ‪entry 72‬ ‪we’re travelling to copper coast now for another key. if it werent for ayce, i wouldnt see any other reason for me to come. fox is still around, but i feel like he's doing his own thing. the other two arent big presences for me to care about.‬ ‪entry 73‬ ‪atlas is a werewolf? i didnt think those were real. this group keeps getting stranger. first a shapeshifter, second an actual living zombie, third a werewolf.‬ ‪ive continued my lie to the rest of them. they all seem to have believed me, strangely enough‬ ‪entry 74‬ ‪copper coast was very pleasant. i wish to come back someday.‬ ‪entry 88‬ ‪this trip to clandesteine has been a disaster.. what the honest fuck‬ just happened ‪entry 90‬ ‪fox told everybody about himself, finally. i feel this huge sense of pride?? i’m very proud of him. i dont understand why i feel so attached to him but i adore him so much‬ ‪entry 92‬ ‪((incoherent scribbles, kinda like “vsdjfsasifwnqkosdkv”)) i think i accidentally implied to ayce that i love him romantically and i think he loves me too... i’m freaking out and i dont know how to react... i think he thinks i’m cool and romantic but i didnt mean to be. ‪entry 93‬ in all honesty, i just wanted to tell him he needs to be more cautious of me. a part of me wishes he could figure it out himself so i dont have to tell him. ‪seriously! i dont know how i did that! i do love and adore him too but i feel like shit.. i dont deserve him, especially considering who i am. on the other hand, i hope he never finds out the truth about me.‬ ‪entry 94‬ ‪oh my god. atlas killed a man and ayce and fox proceeded to tell the guards. i feel sick. i’m currently at home but if they say my name at witness testimony i’m royally fucked. i dont know. i might just run for it and live in myr’s peak. maybe no one will find me.‬ ‪entry 95‬ ‪the group managed to get bailed out using ty’s name. benefits of being friends with rich people?‬ ‪fox found my poster though, so he saved my name during eyewitness testimony. i told him the truth. its been the first time i told someone how i really felt. he wants me to tell ayce but hes the last person i can tell. ‪entry 97‬ ‪we’re in lunarden! it feels nostalgic to be back.

i want to go back to every place i miss. i took ayce to that me and nori used to go to back in high school. i think shes currently performing in solardome? i miss her‬ entry 97.2 ‪i came up with a few different ways to complete my goal. i have a few more probing questions, but i will have to ask later. i think i’m getting closer to the answers‬ entry ‪97.3‬ ((scribbled out)) ‪i havent had sex in a while. i’ve wondered this before but realized it was an inappropriate question to ask. i wonder if ayce’s dick works? it probably doesnt. this is so sad. i dont know how i’m going to fuck him if thats true.. yikes‬ ‪entry 98‬ ‪i’m planning to get completely smashed once we get to solardome. i feel like i deserve it.. ive been pretty stressed and havent got laid. i’m crying remembering that ayce might not even be an option.‬ ‪entry 98.2 ((lost)) ‪i love ayce so much, and its confusing. am i just sexually frustrated? am i just lonely? am i just sad? i feel guilty because it tears me apart. im confused because i love milo still, too. i know i should tell him the truth, its whats right but i know he’ll hate me. i dont know what to do. (extra note inbetween the pages, torn out: to mom. i love you venhfrhdy mcuh. thank you fir everhything. yes. roy.) entry 98.3 what happens if i succeed? i hope ayce doesnt kill me. entry 100 ‪good morning. ayce & i are officially dating. were in solardome atm; i dont remember much of last night but i remember thinking he‘s beautiful. is it wrong to fall for him?‬ ‪entry 101‬ ‪good evening. i saw ms winters. she was undead, just like ayce. she died a year ago. her soul was lost though. i killed what remained of her undead corpse. i assume she was trying to remain in this world.. i’m scared that this will happen to him too. maybe ill have to do the same to him. entry 101.2 i hope ayce's soul is able to sustain in his body for longer. i cant afford to lose him. entry 101.3 ‪the blackness on my fingers has risen up more than it has before. its almost hard to write with my hands anymore. i assume its bc the gods know what i'm doing & are against it, so they're trying to give me more recoil than usual. but the last time i killed an undead corpse was in my house 6 months ago, and i promise that the last time i will use it is when i bring milo back. (torn note inbetween the pages: hi ayce. its unrealistic you'll ever find this but there's some things i want to say. back when we first met, i lied to you as a reflex when you asked me why i'm dealing with necromancy. to be honest, i could kind of gather you were undead, but i still lied anyway. my story is personal, its hard for me to be honest. i know i'm an idiot, and i'm sorry i used you. to be truthful, i still am a horrible person and for the entirety of our relationship i've already known that i was using you and i've felt so guilty about that. my feelings are complicated, but i've never lied when i said i loved you, and i still do; but i still want to bring milo back. i made a mistake and i want to fix that. the truth is that i still love him too. i know you deserve better. i'm sorry about lying to you. roy) entry 102 a dragon made us experience our dreams and nightmares. jade's scared of blindness and bugs. a valid fear, in a way. and she was dreaming of doing shows. i think it was supposed to display a feeling of happiness and joy, but it was just spooky since we all experienced her dreams with no sound. i never realized how scary it was to be deaf until i experienced it. atlas' was morbid. people were dying and there was so much gore. then there were people saying they owned him. i knew he was a bad person but it was scary to see all of that again. he dreamt of a workshop with a girl and a young boy. it seemed sweet, with a tinge of nostalgia. i would have never expected him to have dreams. he just seems like a horrible person with no sympathy to me, but i guess he has feelings. i still think he should go to jail, but i feel like he'll just try to kill me if i say anything instead. fox's was sad. we got thrown into a void

of empty space where we were surrounded only by dopplegangers and a vaguely humanoid figure. he seemed so lonely and upset. he's scared of being forgotten by us and that made me so sad. i adore him, and he's grown a lot since we first met. i gave him a hug when we went into his dream sequence. i hope he knows i will never forget him. his dream was sweet. he just wants to save people and hang out with us still. i think he'll go far, and i would love to be there for him still when all of this is over.c (the rest of the pages with entry 102 are torn out) when i saw milo in the old house again just being his happy lovely self i felt miserable and happy at the same time. i love him so much, and i knew i missed him already but seeing him again just made me feel so much love for him all over again. it just makes me miss him more. it's hard not to cry thinking about what i've done to him. i wish he could come back. ayce's was hard to watch. i witnessed myrkul force ayce to choose between killing me and quri. ayce cried as he couldn't make up his mind, and then i watched as i fell into a void. i felt sick and i wanted to puke. i thought ayce found out about me. i thought he knew that i was using him for necromancy, but when i asked him about it, he told me that he thought i killed him with quri. i... personally don't have any reason to ever kill him so that was a bit sickening to think of. i dont ever want to kill anyone. i dont even have anyone i hate enough to want to murder. the only person i hate enough to want to kill is me. i know based on what i said before i guess it might have seemed that bad; but haha... i would never ever want to do that. putting people down at hospital was rough. god, putting ms winters down was rough and she was already dead. i love him, but it's probably better if we end the relationship and just stay as friends? he's already witnessed me still loving milo, and he thinks i murdered him... i'll try to clear up his misunderstanding, but it'll be hard to without giving more of myself away. this relationship has so many problems. entry 103 a new discovery. the world isn't flat? the god's are using their powers to “lock off” the rest of the world. apparently sanctuary is only a small part of the world. that was a really weird discovery to find out? it's kind of hard to believe, but at the same time, not. apparently they keys we've been collecting hold the respective power of the gods, and they're used to “open” the gateway. i have no idea what that means. apparently beshaba wants to use our keys to do exactly that. and also they can kill the god's? entry 112 when we came back to lunarden we discovered that delilah and allen were kidnapped by atlas’ syndicate. i knew atlas was trouble. i hate having to associate with him. we’re going to save them yet it makes me nervous. entry 114 i feel like i almost died in there. we saved the others and no one was hurt though. we’re going to trip back to lunarden and then travel through the travel gates back to origin to try avoid people. allen mentioned something about strange readings. i have a feeling i know what it is. i’m going to ask lathandar questions. entry 115 nvm we encountered leera. this group genuinely scares me. I’m travelling with people who are down with murder. i should seperate. she uncovered my posters to them and i want to die. she also mentioned the last key at a ball. i need to bounce. lathandar also confirmed my suspicions last night. entry 116 fox left before i could. i feel bad. like maybe it was my fault. i miss him. we have to continue though. entry 117 its so hard to find a bag of holding. i just want to have this spirit stone around without having it in the open. entry 118 we’re in origin now and delilah let me rent out her bag of holding. an absolute kind soul. we bought tickets to the ball. so expensive. i wish i didnt do that. entry 123 i’ve done so much in preperation of whats to come. Soon. i hope it works. i’m going to travel to solardome and investigate those readings. entry 124 suspicions

confirmed. miss winters is alive. she captured my biological father. a strange way to meet him. i cant see him as my father. i told her about the key, and we’re going to rearrange our circle. we’ll still use the spirit stones, just as a backup. i’m scared. i’m terrified. i dont know if it will work and i dont know what will happen if it does. i know the gods will be mad but i’ll deal with the consequences when it happens. i’m sure i won’t be a champion anymore. we’re doing this on friday evening, which means i’m no longer attending the gala. they don’t need my assistance anyway.

[ocean-butch]

Hellllo :)) 10-150 if you’re up for a challenge Goodluck 😁

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?“i rlly hope he’s the murderer”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?molecules, HNLY, wanna be missed, let it be, and what i need, all from Expectations by hayley kiyoko

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?yes ofc

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?luck yes miracles no

15. What good thing happened this summer?idk i had a good time, i traveled, it was fun!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?i never kissed anyone besides boys so nah

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?ofc i mean cmon who doesnt know that

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?yes!! i love her dearly and shes a great friend

19. Do you like bubble baths?OFC

20. Do you like your neighbors?i dont rlly know them tbh

21. What are you bad habits?isolating myself and basically everything i do

22. Where would you like to travel?everywhere but mainly atlanta bc i wanna meetmy best friend

23. Do you have trust issues?nah i trust too easily

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?the feeling of getting home

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?all of it tbh

26. What do you do when you wake up?check my phone, usually tumblr first

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?nah im good

28. Who are you most comfortable around?not really ””around”” but abby

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?once yeah, but then she broke up w me again LMAO

30. Do you ever want to get married?OBVIOUSLY CAN U IMAGINE HAVING A WIFE I MEAN WOW WHAT A DREAM

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?not really, only if its just the top

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?kay awkward imma skip that cuz im a minor

33. Spell your name with your chin.vabfirls (its supposed to be gabriela lol)

34. Do you play sports? What sports?i know how to play soccer and volley and some other shit but i dont really actually play them. however, i do snowboard.

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?tv, i actually didnt have a tv until 2 months ago (but i did have them when i lived w my dad)

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?yep

37. What do you say during awkward silences?idk i just try to come up w something, it could be anything depending on the person

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?someone funny, who is easy to talk to and is passionate and caring. someone who’ll show me that i mean everything to them and who isnt scared to be affectionate. i have a tag for this called “my dream girl” so its all there

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?i dont shop like at all so basically starbucks lmao

40. What do you want to do after high school?move out of this awful country

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?im not sure. maybe, but not always with the same person. but tbqh probably not everyone

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?it can mean a lot of thigs, but usually that im rlly depressed/lonely

43. Do you smile at strangers?yes!!

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?both tf (but i’ve already been to the bottom of the ocean many times so getting to know space would be pretty fucking cool)

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?the thought of not having to go to school anymore in like 7 months if i just get this right

46. What are you paranoid about?e v e r y t h i n g but mostly ppl hating me and leaving me

47. Have you ever been high?nope

48. Have you ever been drunk?nope

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?i dont think so no

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?dark blue

51. Ever wished you were someone else?all the time dude

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?myself lmao

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont rlly know any makeup brands tbh i dont use it

54. Favourite store?again, starbucks

55. Favourite blog?oh noooo this is too specific there are too many but i guess i’d put my best friend bc her blog is awesome and yall should follow her its @saveabby

56. Favourite colour?blue & purple

57. Favourite food?sushi!!!!!!!!!!!!

58. Last thing you ate?açaí

59. First thing you ate this morning?a cereal bar? is this what theyre called?? im not sure

60. Ever won a competition? For what?yeah i guess some school things about sports n shit when i was younger

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?god no im a good student

62. Been arrested? For what?JESUS CHILL IM 16

63. Ever been in love?yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?actually i dont remember i was young and it was at a time where 3 boys liked me and i kinda dated (like kid dating but still) 2 of them and i dont remember which one was first BUT it doesnt matter bc i dont like to count kissing boys so i havent had one yet

65. Are you hungry right now?always lmao

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?well i like different people in different degrees, some being from tumblr, some being from irl. its a mixed list.

67. Facebook or Twitter?twitter duh

68. Twitter or Tumblr?tumblr

69. Are you watching tv right now?almost, im watching psych on my laptop

70. Names of your bestfriends?abby from tumblr, marie irl

71. Craving something? What?yes, chocolate

72. What colour are your towels?theres a green one, a blue one and a white one

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?it can vary from 0 to 3

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?very rarely but its bc theyre at my room at my dad’s place and even when i sleep there i usually sleep at my brother’s room but i do like stuffed animals

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?not many, maybe 3 idk

75. Favourite animal?felinesss

76. What colour is your underwear?im not wearing any but dont go thinking shit, im just on my pjs

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?it depends but in general chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?its like a chocolate shavings thing that we have in brazil. idk if they have it in other countries and if they do idk what its called

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?white

80. What colour pants?no pants jeez

81. Favourite tv show?X-FILES

82. Favourite movie?SNXJSNXKSNSJSJDJSJXJS P R I D E & P R E J U D I C E (2005) PNP OKAY PRIDE & PREJUDICE THANK U FOR THIS QUESTION

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?i dont think i’ve seen the 2nd

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?21 jump street

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?i only watched that movie once and i dont remember much about it tbh

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?dory

87. First person you talked to today?melissa

88. Last person you talked to today?until now it was elle

89. Name a person you hate?donald trump

90. Name a person you love?guess? thats right, abby

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?not especially but i’m always wanting to punch my dad tbh

92. In a fight with someone?what?? if u mean “ever been…” then yes, my brother

93. How many sweatpants do you have?none :((

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?oooo a lot, but i only use 1 bc its my fave

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?“One evening at dusk, I came upon my friend.”

[critical--veins]

Answer all of those horrible questions 🙌🏼

Damn if u say so!

01: Do you have a good relationship with your parents?

yes! I luv my parents v much they’re so supportive of me :’)

02: Who did you last say “I love you” to?

my parents! lol

03: Do you regret anything?

I regret agreeing to answer all these :) :)

04: Are you insecure?

BOY AM I

05: What is your relationship status?

lonely wit a big fat heart!

06: How do you want to die?

soon?

07: What did you last eat?

I’m eating a veggie burger now & it’s tasty, idk what its made of but it’s tasty

08: Played any sports?

I did competitive cheerleading in high school :-)

09: Do you bite your nails?

no !

10: When was your last physical fight?

I physically fight myself everyday, she’s a fucking bitch

11: Do you like someone?

u see.. I have an underlying crush on a boy I can’t have... that I repress,,, so for the sake of this uhhh nope def not in luv with anyone ,,

12: Have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

no, but now I’m intrigued? should I??? am I missing out?

13: Do you hate anyone at the moment?

lucy

14: Do you miss someone?

yes I miss my best friend & my family sooooo much going to school far away is rlly hard sometimes :///

15: Have any pets?

I HAVE THREE CATS, ANGEL MEEKO AND FINN & THEY’RE WONDERFUL

16: How exactly are you feeling at the moment?

ok real talk,, really good! I met with my adviser to schedule my fall classes & we had such a good talk, she told me I was so organized & it was a lovely conversation, she’s so sweet I luv her. also I took two fucking exams today & I don’t think I flopped on any of those, then I just spent an hour in lab lookin at fish so I’ve had a rlly good productive day & that’s rare bc usually I’m just Sad :) 

17: Ever made out in the bathroom?

NO SOUNDS HOT THO

18: Are you scared of spiders?

if they sneak up on me yes! otherwise they’re not the worst! kinda cute!

19: Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

fuck noooooo I’ve grown so much these past two years or so & I still am tbh, don’t wanna relive all that shit lol

20: Where was the last place you snogged someone?

if by snog u mean kissed.. uhhhh chili’s parking lot ahahasdkalk

21: What are your plans for this weekend?

I’m going on a day trip to boston on saturday to go to the aquarium?? never been to boston so that’s exciting & aquariums are so fuckin cute.. then sunday I’m going to a hardcore show w my friend for a band called boundaries & I luv those guys :) 

22: Do you want to have kids? How many?

YEAH PROBABLY LIKE 2

23: Do you have piercings? How many?

just my lobes but I want my noseeee so bad

24: What is/are/were your best subject(s)?

I’m a slut for science

25: Do you miss anyone from your past?

I miss some friends sometimes

26: What are you craving right now?

fuck man so much affection, I’ve been single for a long ass time now,,, gotta cuddle myself :/ :/

27: Have you ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah it wasn’t all that tho, not a good time lol 

28: Have you ever been cheated on?

no!

29: Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

idk

30: What’s irritating you right now?

college has been really fucking intense & I wanna go home, plus there’s a boy making my life one big shit plate but it’s been this way for like a year so Ii’m fiene :) 

31: Does somebody love you?

I hope lol 

32: What is your favourite color?

GREEN :) 

33: Do you have trust issues?

I’m kind of a fool actually & I trust too easily so if anyone wants to hmu & tell me how to distance myself without missing him that’d be gr8 lol. . 

34: Who/what was your last dream about?

damn this is bouta fuckin expose me! I dreamed about the boy from q33 & q30 bc he has broken my brain! it was a nice dream tho, my dreams are the only time it’s nice hahahahahasdoiflksdjfl

35: Who was the last person you cried in front of?

I don’t often cry in front of ppl but I think the last time I did was in front of my parents bc they were helping me pay for school. they give me so much I felt really bad but so thankful at the same time & just had a fucking meltdown lol, college is expensive it’s real fucked

36: Do you give out second chances too easily?

IF I HAD TO SUM UP MY PERSONALITY IT WOULD BE “gives out second chances too easily” LOL

37: Is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgetttt

38: Is this year the best year of your life?

god I fuckin hope not

39: How old were you when you had your first kiss?

I was 16 I was rlly old, bc ulgy & introverted

40: Have you ever walked outside completely naked?

no but again, should I ?

51: Favourite food?

mac & cheese will forever be the most superior food & u can’t change my mind

52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason?

absolutely not lol

53: What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

uhhhh I was listening to balance & composure, and la dispute & staring at the wall bc that’s all I do

54: Is cheating ever okay?

I’m gonna say no but if it DOES happen, pls don’t stay with that person, break up with them, be honest, just don’t continue on like nothing happened bc if you’re cheating you obv don’t care enough about the person to be able to have a real healthy & sustainable relationship. 

55: Are you mean?

I never fucking talk

56: How many people have you fist fought?

zero (see above answer)

57: Do you believe in true love?

I believe the human brain is weird as fuck & if you wanna believe in true love you can have it, but the other person has to be on the same page u kno what I mean?? is true love real? no. but is anything real? also no. 

58: Favourite weather?

I’m a summer hoe til I die! gimme sunshine & fucking HEAT

59: Do you like the snow?

I do loveeeeeeeeee the snow tho it’s so pretty, I just love being outdoors & I get cold easily so summer is my shit. 

60: Do you wanna get married?

I WANNA GET MARRIED RIGHT FUCKING NOW

61: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

it’s the best

62: What makes you happy?

music, art, nature, my friends & family

63: Would you change your name?

I like the name lucy! I just wish whenever I tell ppl my name’s lucy they didn’t respond by telling me about a dog they knew named lucy (it happens almost every time lmalkdfj) 

64: Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

all I think about is kissing the last person I kissed, it’d be the best thing lol 

65: Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

idk man, I’d be like “thank u” 

66: Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around?

yes!

67: Who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

the fucking boy I’ve been complaining about for every question lmao

68: Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probably my friend emily! we always get deep it’s gr8

69: Do you believe in soulmates?

I do not at all actually

70: Is there anyone you would die for? 

DIE FOR MY FRIENDS YO

thank u for tha ask sorry if my answers suck :)

[warmsilk]

hey i was tagged ilke a month ago to do this by @empainada ily i’m LATE ;00

1) do you have a good relationship with your parents?

yeah !! it’s been rocky in the past but it’s all chill now

2) who did you last say ‘i love you’ to?

@llurae >;3cc

3) do you regret anything?

obviously?? who tf doesn’t lmao

4) are you insecure?

whom the fuck isn’t insecure,,

5) what is your relationship status?

tragically single,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i’m a lonely gay

6) how do you want to die?

surrounded by pics of the pillsbury doughboy’s butt

7) what did you last eat? 

a spicy ahi bowl and wasabi peas ,, what can i say i’m a spicy gorl

8) played any sports?

uhhhhh i swam competitively and played tennis?? i’ve done volleyball too,,

9) do you bite your nails?

nah

10) when was your last physical fight?

uhhhh Never i’m soft

11) do you like someone?

u know what,,, my emotions are a Fuck i have a tiny crush on like all my friends and mutuals it’s COMPLICATED ok

12) have you ever stayed up 48 hours?

honestly,, idk

13) do you hate anyone at the moment?

mmmmmm no

14) do you miss someone?

mmmmmmmmmmmmm no

15) have any pets?

YES i have a lil puppo named hana :’)))) she’s my baby i lov her sm,, i also have a fish named hunky boy who i’m shocked is still alive,, i honestly thought he’d die like. two months ago

16) how exactly are you feeling at the moment?

idk i go through a new feeling every second

17) ever made out in the bathroom?

i’ve never been kissed and YES i’m insecure about it so jot that down

18) are you scared of spiders?

ye a h?? recently i killed a big ass spider while listening to the lightning thief musical soundtrack and it was an experience 

19) would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

N O have u even seen back to the future smfh

20) where was the last place you snogged someone?

how many questions about kissing someone are there i’m gonna punch all of them

21) what are your plans for this weekend?

uhhhhhh packing for my trip and ?? idk ?? dicking around on tunglr?

22) do you want to have kids? how many?

my feelings on having kids range from “://// m a y be” to “no” so,, shrug

23) do you have piercings? how many?

just one on each ear,, i want two on each tho :00 

24) what is/are/were your best subjects?

english, band, and japanese are always the classes i do best in,,,, last year i did rly well in biology tho !! 

25) do you miss anyone from your past?

n o p e

26) what are you craving rn?

gummy bears and curly fries hsfjdms but i’m trying to b a healthy binch so

27) have you ever broken someone’s heart?

??i don’t think so????? i’m not desirable enough to break someones heart lmao

28) have you ever been cheated on?

no thank god

29) have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry?

 nO thank g o d

30) what’s irritating you right now?

my shoulder kinda hurts?? damn ya girl needs a massage

31) does somebody love you?

romantically??? no lmao. platonically?? i’d like to think my friends n family,,

32) what is your favourite colour?

i’ve always loved blue since i was little and i also like soft pinks,,

33) do you have trust issues?

listen sometimes yeah but at the same time i can’t keep my fuckign mouth shut,, i’m an oversharing binch !!!!

34) who/what was your last dream about?

i forget,,, something about being in an elevator with my friends hgsfndmsf

35) who was the last person you cried in front of?

my therapist lmao ,, i hate crying in front of people i can’t control my goddamn eyes tho,, ya girl is an emotional bih!!!!!!!!!!!

36) do you give out second chances too easily?

uh it’s what i do best??? i just want people to like me tbh to be honest tbh

37) is it easier to forgive or forget?

forgive

38) is this year the best year of your life?

maybe?? definitely better than last year

39) how old were you when you had your first kiss?

consider this question PUNCHED

40) have you ever walked outside completely naked?

n o hgfnsdfsdnsdfnsdnmfs

41) favourite food?

rub s my hand s toge thre…… i lov pho, sashimi, takoyaki, ozoni, and wasabi peas,, i’m also very indecisive (OH AND I LOVE NAAN BREAD)

42) do you believe everything happens for a reason?

probably not tbh lmao. a stray cat just died, what’s the reason for that? it’s not that deep fam sometimes things just happen u kno,, u just gotta take life in stride and keep chuggin

43) what is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night?

washed and moisturized my face binch!!!

44) is cheating ever ok?

no if you’ve ever cheated i hope u know how shitty what you’ve done is

45) are you mean?

i don’t… think so …. i might be?? idk

46) how many ppl have you fist fought?

no one has given me a good enough reason to fist fight them lmao

47) do you believe in true love?

sure why not. doesn’t mean it’s easy tho, no relationship is always easy. but sure

48) favourite weather?

mmmmm cool air with a slight breeze,, preferably cloudy with patches of sun

49) do you like snow?

ye S,, unfortunately i’m in hawaii so like,,

50) do you wanna get married?

UHHH IDK,,, i love the idea of having a girlfriend but having a wife kinda freaks me out,, i’m only 15 tho so like..

51) is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby?

YES,,, i prefer babe but honestly i’ll take what i can get

52) what makes you happy?

my friends, animals, gay shit, cartoons, skin care, the beach, space,,, idk everything on my interests page

53) would you change your name?

no i think megan suits me,,

54) would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed?

another question to  p u n c h

55) your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

say that i’m sorry but no,, lmao (i’m a lesbeeb)

56) do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can act your complete self around?

yeah i love them

57) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to?

my friend

58) who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

uhhHHhh probably @llurae ,, (let’s play the game “how many times can i tag alya in this post”)

59) do you believe in soulmates?

mmmmmmmmm rationally? no.,, i feel like a Cynical Binch but like,, there are 7 billion people on this earth there are definitely many many people out there exactly like me. so ig if soulmates are real then u have?? hundreds of soulmates?? thousands of soulmates?? 64 soulmates?? (but also i’m a hopeless romantic so yeah i do believe in soulmates hGJSFSHDN)

60) is there anyone you would die for?

everyone??? all of my friends, all my mutuals on tumblr, my family, zendaya, anthony rosenthal,,, ,

i tag @newwavegrl, @sspacewhaless, @gwyoi, @bombolio, @theadrianblack and anyone else who wants to do this,, u don’t have to do it if i tagged u this is a long ass post hgfnsd