#…look. I’ve been fighting with the tablet bullshit on&off for literally a decade

[void-tiger]

Fighting through erganomic and setup limitations and logistics For Me: NAH.

Doing it for friends’ projects: yeah!

[majordetectiveagent]

If What You Say Is True

Chapter 11

The italicized lines Alex quotes are from the song "Ghost" by Badflower. It is amazing and y'all should listen to it. Yes, I know it's not the punk rock this fic started with XD Kate is not DC Kate, but from Stargate. I needed a name, and I know that one XD

Alex opened her eyes when she heard a knock on the door. No one knocked. They all entered her medically induced prison like she should appreciate they were there with her. Doctor Kate Heightmeyer stood on the other side of the glass, a small binder in one arm and her free hand flipping her thumb up and down. If Alex was well and truly honest with herself, she liked Kate. The psychologist had been one of the new ones brought in by J’onn when he started his slow, careful adjustments to the DEO. When Alex had become a field agent, she had been run through three other psychologists before Kate had yanked Alex’s attitude into some semblance of cooperative.

Alex gave the doctor two thumbs up, much to the surprise of Lucy and Maggie. Kate grinned, looking determined, and opened the door. Alex was a bit worried about the brain thrashing she was about to experience. Kate wouldn’t let Alex hide or deflect or ignore anything.

“Alright, ladies,” Kate said as she put the binder on the foot of Alex’s bed. “I require some time with Agent Danvers, and you both need some fresh air and food that hasn’t been made in the mess hall.”

Lucy and Maggie both looked at Alex, silently asking if she was okay with this arrangement. Considering they never asked if she was okay with anything else they did, Alex just rolled her eyes and waved them off. Lucy and Maggie stowed their stuff and hauled it out with them. The moment they were out of sight, Alex could feel her shoulders loosen and relax.

“Voice or tablet?” Kate asked as she moved one of the chairs closer to Alex’s bed.

Alex carefully crossed her legs and sat up, moving closer to the binder. “Voice.”

Kate smirked. “You sound a lot stronger than I was expecting.”

“I’ve been singing,” Alex said, shrugging a little. “Kara has been...supportive of how I express myself that way.”

Kate tapped the binder. “She literally flew your papers to me. I’ve spent the last two days doing my best to understand. I gotta say, Alex, as much as it’s an insult to the last three decades of my career, I’m impressed by how much you’ve managed to bullshit in our sessions.”

“My life has depended on no one ever realizing I’m hiding something since I was in high school.” Alex opened up the binder. Post-It’s covered with Kate’s scrawl were plastered over the words Alex had typed in a near frenzy. “But I think I’ve been the most...open, with you.”

Kate hummed. She leaned forward and rested her arms on the bed, looking up at Alex. “So. What’s up?” A long time ago, Kate had learned the more relaxed her demeanor, the more other’s relaxed around her.

Alex considered Kate for a long minute. In the past, Kate had actually helped Alex deal with a lot of things; the first time she killed an alien, the first time she had been injured in the field, when someone under her command had been hurt, when Kara had started wearing a cape. Talking with Kate had always made her feel better. Alex had just stopped seeing Kate unless ordered. There had been no point after Alex learned how to lie to her. And maybe, if Alex pulled away from the person who saw into her head more than the actual telepath, it wouldn’t hurt Kate so much when Alex permanently lost a fight to one of the many superior aliens Alex fought on a daily basis.

Taking a deep breath, Alex tried to keep her body from bracing for impact. Kate had read everything and still showed up. Kate had called bullshit on Alex in the past but never said Alex’s thoughts and emotions were wrong. Scrubbing a hand over her face, Alex tried to find the words.

Kate motioned to the phone in Alex’s hands. “If you think there’s a song that could help, I’m all ears.”

Alex started scrolling but didn’t play the one that caught her eye. “For the longest time, all I really wanted was for someone to give a fuck about ME. Just a little. Not what I could do for them, not what I could accomplish if I really tried, but about what I wanted to do, about what I wanted to accomplish. I waited for years for someone and nobody even…”

“It’s always been about how your life could serve Kara’s.” There was no sympathy in her eyes. Kate didn’t understand, either, but she was listening.

“High school was all about teaching Kara to be as normal as possible and supporting her interests. I went to college so I could take over my parent’s work.” Alex looked at the callouses on her hands. “Joining the DEO was to make sure Kara wouldn’t have to deal with all the criminals her mother sent to Fort Rozz.”

“And Lady?” Kate asked, casually, not careful or quiet, not giving Alex the chance to stop the conversation.

“Lady….” Alex shrugged, knowing they were both aware of the reasons behind Lady. “My suicide attempt.”

“How?”

Alex looked back up at Kate. “You’re supposed to ask ‘why.’”

“We both know ‘why,’ Alex.” Kate leaned back. “You wore armor, carried weapons to fit the situation, and made a universal toxin into something non-lethal. So. How did you want to die?”

“Without any chance of someone, of Kara, being able to save me." Quick, if not quite painless, so she wouldn't have time to be afraid. "In some dark alley far from everyone who thinks they know me, bleeding out too fast to realize I don’t have to fight anymore.” Alex flipped to the next page of the binder. “This life is overwhelming, and I’m ready for the next one.”

Kate nodded and moved closer, writing something on a blank page of the binder. She allowed Alex to see it, as she allowed Alex to see everything. It was a way for Kate to be as transparent about her thoughts as Alex was supposed to be about her own. If Alex wanted to contest one of Kate’s interpretations or plans, she was allowed. “Since I hate being stereotypical, I won’t suggest suicide watch.” She considered the two armchairs. “Though I suspect they have been doing just that.”

Alex shook her head. “Maybe I’m alive because I didn’t really wanna die.” She snorted. “You know, the day I woke up, they both asked me why I was in a place that’s killed every member of law enforcement who’s stepped there.”

“People don’t like acknowledging how much they don’t know,” Kate pointed out. “They wanted you to deny their suspicions, which I know you didn’t do.”

“I didn’t outright admit it, either, but, no, I didn’t prove them wrong.” Alex took the green pen from the top of the binder and let the ink flow over the paper. “I don’t know how to talk to them. I don’t know if it’ll help.”

“Though she is the root of a lot of things for you, Kara is probably the only one I’m going to recommend as a must.” She drew a tic-tac-toe board in a corner. “The Directors can read my report, as can the Detective if she’s allowed access to it for the sake of the NCPD’s investigation into your Lady activities.”

Alex put an ‘x’ in the corner of the board. “Don’t they deserve to hear something from me? If there’s anyone in my life I can call my friends, it’s them.”

“You don’t owe anyone a thing.” Kate shrugged, adding an ‘o’ besides Alex’s ‘x.’ “Hell, I don’t owe you anything, either, never mind it’s kind of my profession. Friendship isn’t about what someone deserves from you, or what you deserve from someone else. Friends… they’re in your life because they chose it. Alex, you can choose to do whatever you want. Will it have repercussions? Yes. You do the hard sciences, you know actions have reactions.”

Alex rolled her eyes. “I’m kinda bound for a permanent brig cell once medical clears me.”

“Ha.” Kate took the last space in the tic-tac-toe board, where no one won. “If there’s one person who can break out of D.E.O. custody, it’s Agent “the fuck did you do now?!” Danvers.”

“That is not what people call me,” Alex said, smirking at the nickname.

“No, that’s what I call you in my head, along with a few other exasperated phrases.” She slipped two blank pieces of paper from the back of the binder and handed one over before starting to fold the other. “Seriously, Alex, I thought we were doing okay. I’m questioning the last four years and both loving and hating it. I’m learning something, which is new and terrifying.”

“Welcome to the D.E.O.,” Alex snarked, folding a paper plane. “Nothing very special ever happens in our lives.”

“How bored we would be if that were true.” She made another note. “So. Alex Danvers. If Gregor Street is your reset button, what’s next?”

Alex frowned and looked at her. “What do you mean?”

“You flatlined. You died. Mission accomplished.” She added flowers to her paper box. “We both know J’onn isn’t going to stick you in a hole, no matter what the law demands. What are you going to do with your life now?”

Alex shrugged. “Do what I do best? Kill aliens?”

“No,” Kate shook her head, holding Alex’s eyes. “The one thing I’m officially doing in my professional capacity is removing you from the field. You have the highest success rate in the D.E.O. since you’ve started leading a team, but this is where it’s landed you. As of today, if I have to choose a hill to die on, it’s this one. Continue with the D.E.O. if you wish, but it’s no longer your job to throw yourself in front of your bulletproof sister.”

Alex could feel her jaw drop. Her first instinct was to argue. She couldn’t trust anyone with Kara’s safety. There was no one else who would go above and beyond for Kara. Except, that was the point, wasn’t it? Alex was so used to putting Kara’s life before her own when Kara didn’t need that much of a sacrifice. Teams had proven their willingness to fight alongside Kara, to provide a distraction while Kara caught her breath and pushed herself back up. But no one took a hit for Kara because Kara didn’t need that. Kara needed support and guidance, but not a shield.

Alex remembered how she thought of becoming a professional surfer, remembered her thoughts of pissing off everyone by walking away from all of this. Kate couldn’t possibly be right, that J’onn would let Alex walk. But… J’onn was allowing this much, which was already out of the ordinary. Any other agent who had pulled the kind of shit Alex had over the last few months would have zero human contact outside medical and internal investigations. There would be no phones, no computers, no casual and unmonitored therapy sessions. Alex was already being treated so differently.

So. What would she do once the official paperwork was done?

“I…” Alex glanced down, then back up. “I’ll think about it.”

Kate smiled. “You do that. And if you need me, I swear on my mocha lattes, if you don’t call-”

“I will.” Alex found the next words came easily, truthfully. “I promise.”

So. This fic is now on hiatus. I need to write my happy place for a bit, which means Power Rangers. I want to get back into Green Ranger Maggie, I need to get my mind out of the darkness of this fic. I WILL finish this, our 3 faves WILL get together. I just...can't haul Alex out of this right now.

Thank you all for sticking with me and this story so far.