#⭒ ˙ ˖ ✧ — ˗ˏˋ ❝ ʟᴏᴏᴋɪɴɢ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ꜰʀᴏᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴅɢᴇ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜɪꜱ ᴅᴜʟʟ ᴘᴏɪɴᴛʟᴇꜱꜱ ᴡᴏʀʟᴅ ❞ ◌ ᴘᴏꜱᴛ!ɢᴀᴍᴇ ¦ 「 Kazuichi 」

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(( Tag Dump - Kazuichi Souda ))

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✩     「   @from-across-the-stars   」    ✩   -   Continued from ★

「 ☆ 」   Kazuichi’s breath catches at Gundham’s exclamation, body startling and nails digging into the palms of clenched hands hard enough to bleed. Glistening red brimming in thin indents, Kaz feels the warmth of it against his skin. A sickening, familiar— oh-so-revoltingly familiar —sensation, the feeling washing over him as if he was bathed in its essence. Miraculously, he doesn’t flinch away, no instinctive cowering from the booming sound. Usually so skittish around loud noises, be it from objects or people, Kaz’s eyes are focused upon the other man. Wide and concerned, brimming with tears that cast the sight before him in a hazy glow. As if he were looking at a far-off memory rather than a moment unfolding before him…

After everything they’ve been through, the depths of Heaven and Hell they’ve traversed, Kazuichi doubts that he could ever flinch because of Gundham. Fear, something so intimately-known by the mechanic, taking on a different meaning when in the breeder’s presence. A chilling, churning concern no longer for himself, but for what he may be unable to do. A terror brimming within at the possibility of being incapable of helping Gundham. Of guiding him to even a shred of what normalcy used to be. Of whatever happiness they— … he might be able to experience. It’s such an odd concept now. Happiness. Living. Feeling as those he’s already died and is now wandering in a world he no longer has a part in, Kazuichi still has moments where he wonders if this is even real.

Maybe he died long ago during the depths of despair… Or maybe he died in the simulation and he’s trapped in a personal Hell of his own making, like what had claimed their fallen friends until miracles and stubbornness managed to bring them back. As much as Kazuichi tries to convince himself that he’s here, they ALL are, there are moments when he can’t seem to believe it. When he doesn’t want to. If only because that would mean there could be a world where the others aren’t suffering as much. A chance of Gundham being okay. Even if Kaz isn’t a part of it. He doesn’t deserve to be, anyway. Not after all the times he’s failed the one person who NEVER seems to fail him.

Waking up into his own body had been an agonizing ordeal. It had felt like invading the flesh of a stranger, memories and mangled emotions drowning him in an instant. He can’t even recall much aside from blind panic, thrashing as hands held him down, muffled voices calling out to him, trying to calm him, to reach him… Only the feeling of something entangled around his neck, choking him briefly as Kazuichi tried to tear it off in fear, had broken through the haze. Kaz doesn’t know how long he had sat there, breathing heavily, manic gaze focused upon the end of the garment held by shaky hands… Brain struggling to piece together the shards that had become his life, death and rebirth in a loop as he was thrust into different realities. Scarf wrapped around his neck, a promise burning in his mind. A PURPOSE. A reason to stay. To wait.

To always wait, as he had sworn he would.

Even now, hands move to clutch the end of the scarf, wrapped around Kaz’s neck where Gundham had last left it. Pale-knuckles cling to it, guilt and pettiness swirling about in a nauseating storm. Gundham needs it more than he ever could— or so Kaz convinces himself, certain any lingering torment within himself is well-deserved —yet it feels wrong to GIVE it back. To force it upon Gundham when that’s not how their ritual is performed. Kaz is supposed to guard the belongings, to wait for Gundham’s return, only then does the breeder claim what is rightfully his. A way of showing that he’s come back, as he said he would. Kneeling there on the ground, shattered and scared to death, Gundham hasn’t come back.

He’s lost.

They both are…

Grip on the scarf tightens, brow furrowing and a stubborn set to his jaw as Kaz sucks in a trembling breath. He doesn’t want to force Gundham back. Doesn’t want to take away that moment from him. The decision to return, to keep trying, to keep believing in whatever may come next… but he can’t let Gundham wallow here alone either. There’s been many times when Gundham knew better than he did. Reluctant as Kazuichi is to admit it, it’s true. At the time, he hated it. It still sparks a bit of annoyance within, knowing that Gundham can see through the bullshit he can’t. Clinging to that small break from reality, that snippet of a life once lived, Kazuichi exhales and forces his feet to move.

Looks like now it’s his turn.

Silently sitting down beside Gundham, he leaves a bit of space between them, not wanting to touch the other in case it’s not wanted. Kaz knows he’s been pretty skittish about touch lately, even more so than he used to be. Fingers lightly rub the edge of his borrowed scarf, Kaz also knowing that if Gundham were to touch him— even a mere whisper of contact —he might break then and there, desperate for more of what he thought he may never experience again. Gaze focused on the fibers, the garment looked after carefully since being entrusted to his care, he quietly begins, ❝ I shouldn’t have came in here shouting. That was shitty. ❞

It’s a simple statement, Kaz not wanting to apologize for fear of further upsetting Gundham. So, he simply says what’s plain to see. Leaving no room for argument, only accountability, as he quickly continues, ❝ You’re not the only one who hurt people, y’know. ❞ Blinking back tears, it’s a futile effort, guilt burning in his eyes as he harshly wipes them away with a hand, ❝ I did and said— horrible, horrible things to you. To everyone yeah, but…. I can’t— I shouldn’t have- … Not you. I hate that it’s always you. ❞ Chest hitches, Kaz struggling to keep his voice from breaking. Tears fall down his face, pained gaze focused on the scarf in his trembling grip, yet no longer seeing it, ❝ At Hope’s Peak, as a Remnant, in the Simulation—?? I’m always such a- a… I can’t stop being horrible to you. It’s like I’m destined to hurt you. ❞

To hate Gundham, or do his best to. As if he’s not allowed to love someone without trying to push them away. To show them what a monster he really is, before they can invest too much time into fixing something that’s irreversibly broken. ❝ And yet, I still want you around. I need you around…. ❞ Disgusted, Kazuichi growls and wipes at his eyes with both hands, streaking tears across his cheeks, ❝ You’re the only reason I’m even still HERE. ❞ Finally looking at Gundham, glossy gaze begs for him to understand, ❝ If it weren’t for you— I’d be fucking dead. And I’m not just talking about how you keep protecting me. I mean, without you, without just the thought of you to keep me going- I… I don’t think I’d want to anymore. ❞

Words fall into the air, a shaky and scary admission that turns Kaz’s blood cold. It’s one thing to feel it, but another entirely to hear it pass his lips. Telling it to Gundham feels like a mistake, like he’s being manipulative. But it’s the truth. For better or worse, it’s one of the few things he can wholeheartedly believe. ❝ I… miss you…. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe. Every day without you has sucked. Losing you? Thinking you were… Not knowing if— if I’d ever…. ❞ Voice breaks, Kazuichi shakily taking off the scarf Gundham had draped around his neck twice now, in separate lives. Looking down at it, Kaz grimaces, tears dropping into the fabric before he quickly moves it a safer distance away, as if afraid of damaging it. ❝ It’s not fair. Not to me and not to you. ❞

❝ I’m not gonna keep losing the guy I love. ❞ Stubbornly holding out the scarf in between them, the mechanic practically bristles like a small animal, terrified but standing it’s ground, ❝ And you don’t have to keep doing everything yourself! Just- let me fucking help you! Let me take care of you like how you’re always taking care of me! I know everything sucks and it’s hard to believe that it can ever NOT suck again, but— but you just gotta trust me… So, please- ❞ Hands tremble beneath the scarf, but his voice, quiet as it is, remains steady—

❝ Please, come back. ❞ 「 ☆ 」