#👁 HoM Cecili

[luvly-bejeweled-pigeon]

Milly, from the kitchenette: Jason! you have a lot of nerve! Jason, on the couch playing video games: yes. specifics, hun. Milly: you ate the last cookie :( *Amber and Cecili look at Jason shocked and sad* Jason: you snooze you- *looks up* aRE ALL THREE OF YOU CRYING??

[luvly-bejeweled-pigeon]

Confrontation (Holidays pt 1)

Warnings: abuse, ableism, condescending rich white ppl, shitty parents

Words: 2.4k

Summary: Amber confronts her parents after they disrespect her housemate.

uh side note, Amber's trauma is rough to say the least but this doesnt go into any amount of detail and i think its less than implied. you can read about it here if youd really like, but everything still being workshopped. also no beta bcuz its kinda a downer and id feel guilty asking someone to beta this.

Amber sat on the couch, squishing into the side and trying to hide, Jason on her left holding her hand. She tapped her foot repeatedly and glared daggers at her parents’ shoes. It had been a whole argument the first day. One that she let go of once everyone else’s families had gotten there. She wouldn’t feel guilty about asserting boundaries. Especially since it was a house rule, not just hers. However, she still wanted everyone to have a pleasant holiday. Even if it meant giving in and letting her parents keep their shoes on. Which also meant she was vacuuming often.

Everyone sat in the rather large living room, but ten people and their families were still too much for one room. On the big couch was Amber, Jason, Liam, Milly, Alyssia, and Adelyne. On the loveseat to the left was Lucille with Aniyah in her lap, Monique in her wheelchair to the right of them holding Shawna’s hand, and Shawna, Cesar, and Malik on the floor at Lucille’s feet, arms wrapped around each other. On the loveseat to the right was Amber’s parents, Kristi and Jack, rather miffed about sharing such a small seat. With everyone else either on stools pulled from the kitchen or standing around.

Cecili was excitedly telling a story about… something. Amber wanted to pay attention. Even though she wasn’t close to anyone but Jason, Liam, Zero, and Milly, she didn’t want to be rude. She did like her other roommates. But all she could do was notice all the way her parents, who were not invited to their holiday get-together, were pissing her off. She had to focus on their shoes specifically, however, because if she started paying attention to the way they side-eyed each other, to the way they cringed at Cecili’s speech impediment, to the way they infantilized Aniyah and Monique for their physical disabilities, to the way they talked to Jason and Cecili like children, to the way they-

Jason squeezed her hand. She looked up at him and by the look on his face, he probably saw how exhausted she looked. Her face felt so heavy. Her breathing was shallow. And even though she desperately wanted to squeeze her boyfriend’s hand back, to give him a smile that said, “I’m okay”, she just couldn’t. She’d wasted all her energy going from being angry with her parents to happy to just be there.

Amber was just counting down until her parents went to bed. She refused to leave them alone with her housemates. She didn’t know who they’d trash talk to them, but she didn’t want to risk it. She didn’t want to put anyone in an awkward position where they complained about her to other people.

She rested her head back on the couch and closed her eyes. Taking a deep breath as Jason leaned on her. She could feel her parents’ eyes burning into her. Then she heard it.

Cecili stumbled over his words for a second. Just one second. He shook his head and blew a raspberry, a way of resetting himself. Her eyes shot open, and she glared at her parents, warning them-

“Sweetie, maybe you should slow down?”

And that set her off. The condescending tone she’d heard so many times during her ‘tantrums’ and sessions with the ‘family therapist’. Kristi always knew how to set her off. Whether she did it on purpose, Amber could never tell. It didn’t matter though. Not to her. She looked at Cecili who put on a strained smile, one that gave an ‘uh huh, yeah, sure, okay’. They hated it when people treated them like this. And her parents had been doing it constantly for the last three days. In their own house. The same shit everyone else had been getting. The reason Lucille was hiding her autism. Not that it helped, instead she got “oh your so kind for marrying Aniyah and helping her out”.

“Okay. We need to talk.”

“Again?” Kristi laughed. As if their last talk had changed anything. As if any talk they had ever had had changed anything.

“Yes,” Amber said, standing up and walking outside. Ignoring her parents’ protests about the cold. If she wasn’t going to change their behaviour, she was going to give everyone a break. She grabbed a familiar coat on her way out. Whether it was hers or one of her SO’s, she didn’t know. Or care. She didn’t care about the way her parents scoffed either. Or the slam of the door. Or the bite of the cold. And when she spun on her heel, she didn’t care about the familiar look on her parents’ faces. The look they got when she ‘disrespected’ them. Specifically, the one when it wasn’t disrespect, and she was actually just asserting boundaries.

“What?” her mother said. Jack never really said anything. He just watched. Suggested terrible ‘solutions’ to problems that were Kristi’s fault.

“’What?’?! What do you mean ‘what?’?! We talked about this! I told you how he feels about that shit! How everyone feels!”

“Yes, and I told you that we’re just being nice,”

“It’s not nice to talk down to everyone. In fact, some may find it unreasonably rude,” Amber emphasized the last sentence. She wanted more than anything to just be able to put it into words.

“Ugh, this is embarrassing. Let’s just go back inside and have a nice Christmas-“

“We can’t have a nice Christmas with you here stomping on everyone’s boundaries”

“You always talk about boundaries. Ever since that one hospital put it in your head. You know, family doesn’t have boundaries.”

“What are you talking about?”

And the conversation went on. Very unsuccessful. Amber kept snapping without thinking through her words. Not that well-thought-out words had ever gotten through to Kristi and Jack. She’d drafted essays for them, only to find them in the trash and neither of them saying anything. Amber clutched her stomach. Her jaw stiff as she spoke. She hated yelling. She hated that she kept starting yelling matches when it made her dizzy. So dizzy. She punched her thighs, slammed her hands together, anything she could to show how serious she was. Not that she had any intent behind them other than anger. Every now and then she had the passing thought about the others. Wondering if they could hear. Part of her wanted someone to open the door, swoop in and save her. Liam would be on them in a second if Amber told him to.

Finally, she took a deep breath. She was too tired to yell anymore. Too tired to cry anymore. Her head was pounding. Kristi and Jack saw her trying to calm herself down, and she saw another look. They had so many looks. One for every situation. They’d been here before. They’d be here again. But she didn’t want to be. Sometimes she wished she would just shut up. That there was quiet. Sure, there’d never be peace as long as they kept… well… being them. Crossing boundaries and being ignorant. But she always wondered if quiet would feel better to this.

“You really shouldn’t work yourself up like that. I can see how much it-“

“No. Stop that. You don’t get to act like you understand me.” Amber interrupted her. She couldn’t take the condescension.

“I do understand you though. You’re my daughter.”

“No, if you understood me, you’d understand that I was hurt,” she cringed. She wished she thought before that one. She didn’t actually want to bring it up.

“We do understand that. But, sweetie, that was a long time ago.”

“No. You know I was hurt. You know I was hurt for a long time. I’ve spent longer being hurt than being safe. With no thanks to you by the way. The fact that you think its ending means I should be better, that I shouldn’t hurt anymore, tells me you don’t understand

“No matter how much I tell you, or anyone, no one will understand. They’ll only know. But what they do with that knowledge is what matters to me. How they help me, listen to me, treat me. That is what actually matters.”

“We did everything we could to help you! We adopted you, sent you to therapy, all the schools and hospitals, I mean what else were we supposed to do?!”

“Give me a home? Be parents? I mean he moved me around so much; I saw so many different people,” Amber choked a little on that sentence. It wasn’t something she liked to talk about. “I told you so many times that what I needed was something consistent. I just needed one place to come back to, things to own and call mine, people who were there for me. But all you cared about was how much of a commotion I caused. How much I embarrassed you. That I could never be as proper as you thought I should be.

All you wanted was for me to be quiet, ladylike, and perfect. But you never cared about what I wanted.”

“Well, what do you want then? What do you want from us??”

Amber looked at her parents. The parents who didn’t even give her a choice in calling them her parents. They wanted the attention of their poor, broken, young daughter calling them ‘mom’ and ‘dad’. She took a deep breath, looking at them both. Staring through Kristi.

“Nothing.”

“What?”

“Absolutely nothing,” she said. She thought through everything she wanted. Not from them, but from life. “All I want is to live here, with people that care about me. To help and care for them. To keep getting better at forming connections.

“I just want to live here with the only people I have ever cared about. Without your opinions.”

“But this isn’t proper! You’re unmarried, living with your boyfriend, who you’re okay with cheating on and okay with him cheating on you-“

“I do not care what you think,” She punctuated every word with every bit of acid she could muster up. With every bit of fight she still had left that night, “To put it plainly so you understand. You were not invited. You were not informed about our get-together because I did not want you here. I knew you were going to have a problem with everything and everyone, so you were not invited. And then you showed up, disrespected my—our— rules, disrespected my housemates, disrespected our guests- I mean for fuck’s sake you couldn’t even respect that fact that Milly’s family is Jewish.

You invited yourselves over and lied saying you missed me and that we should be spending Christmas together, when we haven’t talked in years.”

“Well, we pay for your living expenses-,“ Jack started.

“That is the least you could do. I went from one hell to another, and then you kicked me out as soon as I turned 18. The absolute bare fucking minimum is for you to give me money when you have so much. And it’s not like it’s out of the kindness of your heart or whatever the fuck. You pay me so I don’t cause a scene. So, you don’t get bad press for you poor, sweet, broken, amputee daughter being homeless or whatever.”

They stared at each other. This look was new. Kristi looked like she was going to cry. For once, Amber wasn’t the one walking away in tears. Sure, she’d definitely be crying later. Jason holding her while Andie brings her late-night sweets. Being fussed over by her real family. But now? It was her turn. Her turn to feel like she won. A pyrrhic victory. The only thing that hurt was that it wasn’t the same. It’d never be the same. She’d never feel like life was coming for her specifically. Never feel like no matter what she did, nothing would ever let up. Never feel like the people who signed up to be her parents could never love her. But something about the fact she was visibly upset, whether it was over how she treated Amber or how Amber treated her, was deeply cathartic.

“So, what now?” Jack said, setting his hands on Kristi’s shoulders. He looked… disturbing. Amber knew he wouldn’t do anything. He didn’t want to. And there were more than enough people inside to come to help if she needed. She knew why she felt like this. Why the angry tall man standing over her made her stomach drop. If it was anyone with an ounce of care for her, they’d immediately drop their anger, drop to their knees to not tower over her. Apologize and make sure she knew she was safe.

Amber cleared her throat and averted her eyes. “It’s up to you. I will not tolerate any more disrespect. If you do it again, I will straight up kick you out, no questions. However, you may stay for Christmas,” she emphasized the fact that this was her call. That they weren’t really welcome but didn’t have to leave right away.

“We’ll stay until right after Christmas, as we planned.,” Kristi said. So softly that Amber almost didn’t recognize the voice. “So we can give gifts. It wouldn’t be proper to show up and not give gifts.”

“Fine,” Amber finished the conversation. She didn’t think she could take anymore. She wanted to curl up in her bed, wrapped in her lovers’ arms, and drift away from everything. From all the hurt. Everything hurt so bad right now. She felt weak and vulnerable, and all the yelling hurt her throat. And she still felt the need to get away from Jack. To run away as fast as she could.

Liam’s dad opened the door. Zero behind him, extending a hand to eir girlfriend. Amber took it silently, suddenly reminded of how dizzy she was. She really couldn’t focus on anything as she was led inside, through the living room, and up the stairs. The only thing she noticed was that the living room was empty, save for Jason who followed them up the stairs. Jason was explaining what all had happened since she went outside, and how they wanted to respect her privacy. She couldn’t listen. No matter what, she couldn’t focus on anything.

Next thing she knew she was in Jason’s bed, with a cup of water in her hands. She took a deep breath. Letting everyone help ground her. Letting herself be fawned over. Everything would be better. If not tonight, then in the morning.