#'as much as you want to achieve this personal independence you still need guidance' yeah .

[ruluxe]

hi! idk if you’ve touched on this topic yet or not,, but i rly like reading your thoughts about kagami and his life and family and what not,, so im curious what you think kagami’s dad is like? what kind of person & parent he is? 👀👀

personally, (if i may share), i reckon hes a very ‘traditional’ man... like, he thinks men should work, and women stay in the kitchen, sort of thing. i think he would not be a very nice person, & also quite right wing. i think that, hes very pressed about money and business, and he lives and breathes to work. i reckon he would want kagami to carry in his footsteps w his job,, so i also think hes not very supportive of kagami’s basketball dreams, sadly :( i also think hes a god awful father lol.. he only provides for kagami financially, and thats it. i have so so many thoughts i could go on forever im so sorry SHDH 😭😭 it do be kagami brain rot hours 🥴🥴

Hey thank you so much for this ask! I'm so excited because WOW do I ever love Kagami so much (never thought I would because I didn't the first time around) and he honestly deserves so much better than what he was dealt. I'm glad that he found people that love and care about him and appreciate him for more than just basketball, but also appreciate his basketball too — because that's very important to him.

Kagami's dad is definitely a man who puts work before his child, and it's always been that way. It's easy to speculate about what happened with Kagami's mom — because we don't get any information on her, there are endless things to assume. With Kagami's dad, we see that he was supposed to move in with Kagami when they returned to Japan, but he decided to go back to America, leaving his young son to fend for himself. Even if someone wants to argue that Kagami's dad must feel like he trusts Kagami enough to do that, that he's responsible enough to be left alone — to put that much pressure on a teenager and to leave him to just. Fend for himself is... I don't care how responsible you think your kid is at that age, they still need support and discipline and wisdom and guidance. Something you can't give them if you're not. fucking. there.

We see Kagami alone and without any friends as a child in America too, and no sign of his dad. There's a lot of responsibility and expectation of him, having to grow up and learn how to do things on his own at a very young age. But what about when he needs that support, what about when he looks to the stands and his dad isn't there to see the biggest moments of his life? To congratulate him these milestones, these amazing feats that he's worked so hard to achieve? Sure, we don't see the others' parents but we can assume that they're there — Kagami's father isn't even in the same country.

And don't get me started on how uprooting a child as much as Kagami has had to. Let's take his apartment for example. The barest minimal decor, because why bother making it home when you've never really felt like you had one — when you know you're probably going to have to move again in a year or two. When you've learned not to get attached to anything or anyone because you'll always have to leave them behind. Let's look at his clothes. Simple and plain. Even his shoes he runs into the ground. He doesn't care about money, it's not important to him the way it is to his father. He knows and appreciates how hard his father works, because that's just Kagami, but he also knows what it does to a person and he doesn't want that to be him. His relationships? The very first thing we hear from him is that he's not there to make friends. It's not because of competition or because he's arrogant, it's because he really isn't. The last friend he made hurt him a lot, and he never got to resolve that. In Kagami's mind, the people that hes loved are always choosing things over him — Himuro and basketball, his father and money. That's why he doesn't let anyone in, not truly. Not even Kuroko. And the independence? Aomine's saying may be "the only one who can beat me is me" but Kagami (before learning the power of Friendship in DDZ) might as well be saying "the only one who can do this is me" because the whole time he thinks, even when he's saying that they're a team, that it's him who has to do it. He has to win, he has to bring them to victory, it's him that has to be strong and protect them from loss. These don't make him a bad person at all, but we keep forgetting that he's only 16 and god that's so much shit to put on a teenager and just expect them to figure shit out on their own.

He has to get used to a new city each time, alone, learning/relearning the languages, meeting new people and saying goodbye to old friends and support systems — roots he's had to establish each time on. his. own. That's why I hate the end of Last Game. I'm glad he gets to live his dream, but more than anything I hate to see him having to leave the people he's come to care about so much, the first people we see that truly treat Kagami as a person first, as a friend first before anything else. And it's not even his dad that makes this decision, it's Alex.

I've never really thought much about the type of person Kagami's father would be because he's unimportant and absent in my mind like he is in Kagami's life. I don't think he supports Kagami's dream because he isn't there to see how amazing Kagami is. But even still, I feel as if he'd simply look at it from a monetary perspective. I personally don't think he puts much thought into Kagami's life at all, whether it be his friends or his love life. I do think he'd be traditional in that sense for sure — expect Kagami to find a good looking woman who made her own money but not more than what he'd make, make her sign a prenup if they were to ever get married. He's a superficial man, so when it came to Kagami he'd only care about superficial things, like if he had a high paying, respectable job (basketball is fine as long as he's making bank, and if Kagami wasn't that then he'd better be doing something that doesn't embarrass his father) and a pretty looking wife (doesn't matter what she does as long as it doesn't make him look bad).

Kagami is just. The furthest thing from his dad's mind, all the time. He's cold and neglectful and yeah, a god awful parent because he's just not there for Kagami at all. How many birthdays and other holidays he's missed, how many plays or important moments he's missed. How many times has Kagami really needed someone, like after his fight with Himuro, and had no one there he could talk to, no one to help him mend a broken heart. Where are his hugs when he's hurt, where are the pat on the backs and the "you did great" and "im proud of you son" etc.

Kagami's had to grow up on his own but that's what makes him strong, and I am so proud of him for what he's accomplished and the person he's become. He's amazing, and so warm-hearted and kind, hardworking and driven, despite not having any support to back him up. He could have turned out much differently and he didn't, and I'm so glad for that.

[koolkvat-blog]

       hello  loves  ,   what’s  up  !   i’m  super  excited  to  be  here  &  to  finally  play  my  precious girl  ,   jade aka kool kat   .   i’m  LOLA  ,   use  she / her prounouns  ,   i am NINETEEN  ,   &   i  am  currently  in  the  gmt + 1 timezone  which  means  yes  ,  my  ass should’ve  been  awake  for  intro  posting  but  i  don’t  know  what  time  management  is  and  ended  up  swamped  w/  work  ,  so  !   everything   you  need  to  know  about  about  miss  kat  is  under  the  cut  ,   &  i’m  rlly  thrilled  to  be  apart  of  such  a  wonderful  rp  with  such  gorgeous  muses  .  corniness over  ––   if  you’re  looking  to  plot  sumn  out  ,   just  hit  that   ♥︎    &   i’ll  make  my  way  on  over  to  ur  dms  ,  or  feel  free  to  add  me  up   on  discord  which  i’ll  give  in im’s  if  anybody’s  interested  !   ♡♡♡         tw  :   family issues  ,  body image issues  &  drug mention  ( not  explicit ) . 

001 . SYNOPSIS  . FULL     NAME  .      jade        kikuchi . NICKNAMES  .      kool kat    . AGE  .      twenty - one . DATE     OF     BIRTH  .      twenty  -  seventh     of     september   ,     1993      /     libra . PLACE     OF     BIRTH  .      harajuku ,   tokyo ,     japan .         GENDER  .       cisgender     female . SEXUALITY  .     (  closeted  )  pansexual  . NATIONALITY  .      japanese  ,  now  american  too  after  successfully  gaining  citizenship  . ETHNICITY  .      asian  . OCCUPATION  .       fashion designer at katz designz      ,     former  fashion  design  and  journalist  student  back  in  her  original  timeline  . PLAYLIST  .      here  !  (  +  )     charismatic , enthusiastic , warm , energetic , adventurous , compassionate , animated . (  -  )     deceptive ,  independent ,  emotional , territorial , ambitious , impulsive , temperamental , insecure , sarcastic .  

002 . AESTHETIC  .      wheatgrass  smoothies , 90′s  anime  with  subtitles  , chanel  no. 5, speeding  on  a  desert  road  with  the  windows  down ,  painting  your  toenails  on  the  dashboard ,  neon  prints ,  cat  lazing  on  a  balcony  in  the  sun , black  lace ,  japanese  horror  films  ,  sour  cocktails  with  sugar  around  the  rim , half - smoked  cigarettes ,  stacks  of  fashion  magazines , long  hair  hastily  dyed  different  colours in  a  motel  bathroom ,  thrift  stores   .

003. INFORMATION  .

tl;dr : a flighty, inattentive adventurer: a follower of whims; personable and sociable but lacks the skills to maintain relationships because she’s entirely (and perhaps too) career focused, checks her horoscope daily and entirely relies on the stars when concerning relationships, epitome of a britney spears / gwen stefani stan back in the 2000′s, still owns a (bedazzled) flip phone, collector of vintage fashion (chanel, elle, juicy couture etc.) a subscriber to the Leonardo Da Vinci sleeping method; catch her at 2 am making soufflés or buying plane tickets to shiwei so she can really experience the culture: will tell you she loves you ten minutes after first introduction because she’s high: kind of unintentionally insensitive to those she doesn’t know and closed off but in like a cool, lovable way. 

•    heads up im running on like 5 hrs sleep so sry when this inevitably derails ! ok sweet let’s get into this . 

•    so as aforementioned this is jade kukichi, aka, kool kat. she was dubbed that by her friends due to her unique fashion style and sense of dress, and it’s stuck. lbr nobody other than her friends can use that term so if you do, she’s just going to stare at u for a quick sec before saying ‘it’s jade’. 

•    born in harajuku, tokyo to a cardiothoracic surgeon of a father and a politician of a mother, jade grew up traveling the world and becoming flighty af, never thinking she was going to make long - term friends and kinda being okay with that. 

•    her family has never stayed in one place for very long, though her aging parents eventually settled into a permanent residence in the us around the time she turned sixteen, not soon enough for jade to break the habit of wandering, but thankfully quick enough for her to meet the bratz girls who were just as adventurous and fun - loving as she. she's spent much of her teen life jumping from place to place wherever her interests are that moment, collecting people along the way, but to find friends was the only thing she was missing. jade has a brilliant mind, but she lacks patience and follow through. she needs guidance or she'll jump from idea to idea, job to job, whim to whim.

•    ngl, jade pretty much hated her home life. her parents were an overbearing presence in her life, her mother wanting jade to be a proper lady who also went into a profession like theirs (entirely serious and stifling when it came to creativity, doctor, politician, lawyer etc.) while jade herself wanted to check out the latest trends and go to the mall w her friends – so she turned all of her focus and energy into getting good grades in everything she wanted to do in the hopes that she could be the most successful fashion designer, then leaving town forever. 

•    like she spent 7 yrs in high school graduating w honours but she barely knew what was happening in 9/10 of her classes and sometimes she just slept through classes and then wing her exams which she miraculously did well at. it was just not a good idea to send jade to a public school at 11 after being in boarding school for the rest of her life and then never really enforce any rules :~\ she has trouble with that kind of thing.. as in making logical choices instead of saying "YEAH lets go watch american psycho and smoke weed!" skipping chemistry to do just that 

•    she loves fun and values doing what makes her happy over most things. it's hard to pin her down and she spends most of her life chasing after ideas that don't really follow any sort of conscious order, bc she’s really got that ‘i’ve got dreams and i’m gonna do everything in my power to achieve them’ personality. 

•    according to bratz canon she’s worked as literally everything ? she’s one of those insufferable people who r just. good everything ig and that’s just how it is on this bitch of an earth. jade’s been a photographer, a song - writer and bass player in a rock band (shout out to bratz rock angelz the best movie w the best soundtrack ever), a student studying fashion design, a fashion columnist, a quickly fired nanny, and many other things in between. 

•    so when she appears in toonsville she’s kind of out of it that she’s not doing something w her skills and sets up her own business which she loves ? being her own boss suits her fine (for now) because she’s got a Real Job and she's actually trying rly hard so she can fulfill her dreams !! like suck it mom nd dad haha !!!

•    jade has a lot of weird feelings TM about her body and her looks and struggles a lot with her self confidence :~( she had a shit time at school with boys saying she was too thin and she compensated by acting like she didn't like anyone at all for a while and now she thinks she isn't good enough for anyone when rly she is a cinnamon bun too good for this world too pure 

•    best friend ever she is so good at being a friend if u text her at 3am to go out or cry on her shoulder shes ready to go at 3:15 even if she was sleeping w lots of snacks and treats and love!!! she is sooo extroverted around those she’s comfortable w, she gains so much energy from being around people and she loves being nice and being around ppl she likes 

•    she becomes the mom of groups pretty easily (hence why she’s the leader of the bratz) bc she bottles up most of her own problems to help ppl with theirs!! which is toxic yea but she puts people first always so !! plz help her poor repressed soul!! rip kool kat.. 

•    still super into the stuff of her time so like.. she loves the x files and bad reality tv shows (i want to be a hilton) and reads gossip magazines on the reg because she enjoys that stuff! also very into girl groups.. ginger spice / posh spice is an eternal mood.  

•    anyway yes sweet adult-child of 21 (she is in denial about that tho like she doesn't want to be childish) who is v nice v kind v loyal v baked a lot of time, v passionate v silly. idk what i'm doin hope u like it < 3

004. WANTED CONNECTIONS . 

friends / best friends / ride or dies . jade genuinely loves people, loves talking to strangers and getting into intense conversations with people she’s only just met, learning other people’s way of life and bettering herself for getting. she is, however, incredibly blunt and has never once minced words to keep from hurting someone’s feelings or to ease them into a situation. she’d much rather have a one-time conversation with a stranger than make long lasting relationships. she has three very close friends –  to the point of co - dependence –  and honestly, she’d rather spend all of her time doing things she loves such as her hobbies, sticking her nose into the latest vogue, or searching for cute collars and treats for her cat mica w them instead of making new friends. she's also FUN and she'd be happy to go on crazy road trips or buy out a movie theater for a day or anything that she thinks will her buds happy. she's traveled all over, so she’s v well read and cultured. she loves people but she hates complication and won't deal with any sort of emotional labor. she wants to live in the moment and expects everyone in her life to do so as well. just be chill, y'all. 

frenemies / enemies /  rivals  . please be her enemy, she needs people to antagonize shdhshd. she grew up pretty much affluent so she’s pretty spoiled even if she doesn’t want to admit it, and that rebellious side of her hasn’t died down yet. despite the fact that she is wealthy and in good community standing, she has a hard time letting go of childish grudges. in general she’s got a lot of suppressed feelings and ready to fight everyone who hurts her friends – like an irritated cat – so, honestly, come at her ? she is sometimes a little fickle and flighty and a unintentionally stuck up when it comes to art / fashion and she has definitely said the wrong thing at the wrong time and pissed the wrong people off, she can’t stand anyone underestimating her or thinking she’s dumb bc she’s interested in fashion. like gtfo !

ex’s , fwb’s , possible love interests .  jade is fairly fluid romantically and is the type of person who hates labels but also just wants to be cherished and called cute pet names lowkey. she loves a lot and gives a lot to her relationships, but typically doesn't want to commit to anything important. she’s gone from one disastrous relationship to another, ending up with a boyfriend who constantly ridiculed her image that was essentially the catalyst for her cutting off romantic ties, quite a recent wound before she found herself on the island actually. worst thing is tht she’s convinced herself that she’s been the problem in these relationships –  that she turns good people bad or that she is too much for people to deal with, she’s not sure what the issue is and she doesn’t really want to know. so…. fuck everything amirite ? anyway, she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no (wo)man. 

etc . pls give me people jade can give a makeover to, people she shares an apartment w on the island, people who think fashion is girly and vapid.. creatives who love what she’s doing, anything tbh << 3

[unproduciblesmackdown]

@lanvinlouis THANK YOU for these beautiful truthful asks and the chance to talk more about how Jeremy Is Valid

honestly i'm h e e r e .......................................................for jeremy...like from the opening number it makes it obvious that what jeremy's after isn't really anything like popularity or coolness in and of itself, he just wants like, the chance to be okay lol....really he's like, actively suffering, and he wants whatever it is he needs to change that. it isn't that he's like, inherently jealous of popularity or coolness or whatever and he's just interested in status for the sake of his own ego, it's that he feels like whenever he's just existing and trying to get from point A to point B, he's drawing this antagonism and contempt and he can't manage to change his situation on his own. and like it's not just that school is fucked up for him b/c he's already like "everything sucks" before he's even left his bedroom at the start of the day like. he's unhappy with his whole life, and now he's basically at this point where he doesn't feel like that's going to change either thanks to or independently of his own efforts, and like, that's bad....just like, in general, when somebody feels like their life NEEDS to change but that there's no chance it will, they're pretty much having an ongoing crisis for as long as that lasts. and like yeah jeremy's dealing with all these issues and is like, taking it day by day trying to go through it like it's a routine, but not only is the "things will change eventually" in doubt for him but like also his ability to actually just tolerate it indefinitely is also in doubt, even though he's been dealing with it for a long time, the problems have probably gotten worse and more numerous and then yknow meanwhile he's probably feeling less hope about things than he might've back in say middle school and such

like, he's desperate enough to actually consider the super weird advice of the guy who bullies him i guess every day. cuz like he sings right off the bat that he wants someone to help him after his own efforts fail yet again and rich is telling him about the squip right after his lowered expectations have fallen even further and, yknow, jeremy definitely is feeling like things can't change even if he tries and that he does need some external source of help and as far as he can tell, the possibility of getting a working squip is the one chance he has...and like even though it's mentioned fairly briefly i think it's efficiently established that his parents' fairly recent divorce is really pushing him to feel even worse / more desperate for something to change things up cuz like, his mom's left and his dad's not literally absent but like, is more absent. and then also jeremy's seeing his dad as being in a similar place as he is and seeing that as evidence that yeah, things might not ever change. and jeremy wants to (tell himself he can) just move on and skip being upset and just accept it as is and his dad's not facilitating that facade and jeremy resents that a bit too

anyways yeah michael!! i know ppl have already talked abt him maybe not being very empathetic and it sure does seem to fit just fine w the material and the sorts of patterns of him engaging w jeremy.........like it definitely seems as though probably the situation he and jeremy are in is that like, they're both p much settled in to the routine of high school and the approach is to just get through the day and then they can retreat to either of their houses and hang out and have things be fine there. and i think the way michael sees it is that since he's the one who's not really stressing out about things being miserable and he's got the perspective that it's all okay since they appreciate each other and college will be way better, that means jeremy would be able to feel the same way about things if he just listened to michael and adopted that same perspective. whereas jeremy's feeling like those things aren't enough to make him feel okay, and when he complains and michael has the advice to just pretty much forget about it, that's just gonna seem like michael's not offering him anything that could actually help, because their friendship alone can't make up for everything else, and he can't tolerate two more years and knowing that things might be better then don't change what he's dealing with currently. like, i think the both of them just feel like the other just isn't listening to him lol....but like i do also think that michael sort of suspects that jeremy's really not doing so great and that his own advice is inadequate, because he does seem to understand pretty easily how/why jeremy wants to actually try to get a squip.

oh yeah and that even michael's light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel Guys Like Us Are Cool In College thing is of limited comfort because it's really just more of the same. like, that they'll still just be at the mercy of this social judgment, but when they get to college it'll happen to be in their favor. and that comes up when they fight and jeremy points this out how michael Loves To Feel Superior based on his own set of coolness standards. and, you know, speaking of what they Say with regard to how some of michael's shortcomings / weaknesses played into the squiptuation, even in mitb the lyric "but through no fault of mine" suggests more that this is defensive and he maybe does suspect that he factored into it a little bit, versus the lyric just being there to be interpreted as an objective peer-reviewed Fact in the middle of this purely emotional one-person-perspective song. it's not as though it's michael's fault or that it's a bad thing that he didn't know how to help jeremy perfectly or that because he might've been selfish in some ways he deserves to lose jeremy entirely. and tbh the stuff michael said even played into jeremy's decision to block him out / leave him behind, because of how michael's take on the problem of them being Uncool was that all they could do was embrace being losers and wait it out. so when jeremy was trying to change things, michael was set up to not only be a symbol of how things used to be, but based on the things michael always told jeremy, he's also seeing michael as a symbol of things being unable to change. and he does still care about him and all and like, doesn't even want to cut him out, but he's so convinced that his own judgment and feelings are useless that he's ignoring the fact he doesn't want to. and when he fights with michael at the party, jeremy's defensive b/c his misgivings abt his squip are kind of only making him more desperate to believe it's still okay, and also he's just in a bad place for anything much less to have an argument, and michael's kind of adding in this bitterness just about being left behind that isn't helping his other points come through as mere genuine concern. like, of course he's right to be hurt, but jeremy's also right to feel hurt by michael even if michael wasn't making the choices that led to the situation. they're mad at each other and they end up fighting once again in the play Because of the fact that they love each other and they want more than to be disappointed by the other.

and ugh yeah loser geek whatever............just kill me, every time i listen to it it's such a fuckin journey through the emotions of it all and. yknow it's like they say, it's sort of a Victorious Powerful Anthem because jeremy's definitively choosing to take action to change his life, even if he's feeling swept up in that change. but he's also only able to make that choice because he really thinks so little of himself that he's taking the self-contradictory stance of "i have to entirely stop caring about how i feel if i want to achieve my goal of Feeling Good About My Life" and deciding that yeah, his own thoughts and judgment are worthless, and he's choosing to totally accept the guidance of this entity that tells him that his life sucks because everyone sees him as disgusting and awful and they're right to feel that way about him. like he's finding it that easy to accept that he just objectively sucks and that even something so inherent as his sense of what's painful or bad is just wrong, because that's how deep his flaws run. and like yeah again he acknowledges that he's being selfish right there in the lyrics, but that's not exactly meant to be like, he's acknowledging that he's also being Evil And Wrong, because technically wanting himself to be happy is selfish, and that's not bad. he just thinks that the squip is the only way he can maybe be happy, and the only way for the squip to work is if he listens to it, and he can only listen to it if he accepts that it's right about everything including how he's horrible and he can never do things right on his own etc etc etc etc. like, he obviously didn't really expect the squip to be like "you're too gross to live" but it was really not that difficult for the squip to convince him that it was right. he hates himself a lot lol.....

also just, as something generally applicable, it's also no wonder that jeremy's often frustrated with everything and that it bleeds into stuff he says and does and the choices he makes being possibly not the most thought-through or Objective, and how can lose his patience sometimes. like he's out here with his flaws and weaknesses just like anybody else, and it's miscommunication too that's leading to Conflicts / making him feel alone

anyways sorry it took me a few days to answer that and frankly this Could be longer.......neither has anything to do with how much i like getting long messages and answering with long messages and supporting and discussing jeremy heere, b/c i like all of that A Lot, @ me about it at absolutely any time and at any length

[welovekpopscenarios]

Fortune Teller (Minghao x Reader)

Admin: Candi Request/Idea: What happens when someone asks you about their soulmate but it turns out you’re the one? Fandom: Seventeen Member/reader: Minghao x Reader Genre: Fluff Warnings: Language, mention of abuse Words: 3.1k Authors note: The second addition to my Halloween series! It’s a a fluffy fic this time, saving the smut for last so y’all are well fed for Halloween ;)

Every year before Halloween you seemed to get the most customers, people seemed to think that October had some sort of special powers when it came to fortune telling but in reality, it didn’t. Every month was just as special as the last but you understood the appeal in going to a fortune teller during October. You were prepared for all sorts of customers, you couldn’t say most of them were nice because your job was to know them and you knew all the dark secrets lurking in their souls. A lot of people didn’t take it seriously, some made fun of you and then there were people who were terrified because their fortune wasn’t what they expected but in the end, it was you who was getting paid so you just put up with it for the month of Halloween.

It’s funny how this turned into a job, your family history was filled with witches and gifted people. Your own mom was a psychic and when you were born she knew you held the same gift as her but it was so much more powerful. Since you can remember you were always told how special you were and that you can’t let this gift go to waste. You were always able to tell when the phone would ring, who was outside the door before they even came into the house. The gift was especially useful when it came to dating, or maybe it was a curse? You knew the intentions of everyone who ever tried to get close to you and you knew none of them were meant for you even if they had a heart of gold. Dating seemed pointless to you, it wasn’t as enjoyable as everyone said it was only because you knew that the people who were interested in you had nothing to offer and it wouldn’t go anywhere. It didn’t really bother you though, you were patient and you enjoyed being alone, you were always quite independent.

The perk about your job was that you always started late, no one wanted to see a fortune teller at 9am, that was unheard of. You usually started around 4pm so sleeping in happened more often than it should. You woke up at 12pm and decided to take it slow.

“Something feels different.” You say you yourself but you brush it off and continue with your morning noon. You weren’t expecting a lot of people today and no one called you to make an appointment so you presumed it was going to be a slow day. Once you were done with brushing your teeth and your hair and dressing yourself you looked at your bed lovingly and decided you can lie down for a few more minutes. You went on your phone and scrolled through all of your social media, read a few articles and felt yourself dozing off.

You shot up from your bed and checked the time, it was 3:48pm.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit!” You cursed and quickly ran out the door. You decided to ditch your car and make a run for it, it seemed safer than speeding. Getting to work seemed easier than usual even though you thought you’d be late but to your surprise, you arrived right on time. Everything was in your favour so far and the day felt odd, you knew something was going to happen today but you weren’t exactly sure what which threw you off guard since you were always able to sense it.

You went into your room, lit some candles and incense and began performing your ritual. Every fortune teller should have their own ritual they do before they begin to read for someone. After you were done you went outside and asked the first customer to come in. They sat down, got comfortable and waited for you to start.

“So, how can I help you today? What do you want to know?” You ask.

“I want to be rich so…”

“Uh, will I do a career reading?”

“I guess.”

“Perfect.” You sighed, the person had no idea what was going on or what they wanted to know so this made your job so much harder. You pulled out your deck of tarot cards and shuffled them, you laid them out of the table and asked the person to pick three cards, one representing the present, the other representing and past and finally the last card stood for the future. You revealed the first card which ended up being The Hermit.

“Okay well you seem to have big dreams but for now this card says that you shouldn’t go ahead with any plans. You need to think them over and think of the consequences, are you able to do it? Are your goals achievable? Basically, ask yourself those questions and just don’t do anything for now, go with the flow until you’re 100% sure that it will work out.” You continued to reveal the past card which was The Magician.

“The Magician underscores a surge of displaying your talents and getting far in the world based on accomplishments. Perhaps you were resting comfortably on a foundation established during that time. Or you may miss the days when you could seemingly put it all together with a snap of your fingers. The Magician in the past position shows you have achieved something in the past, whether you feel the achievement or not doesn’t matter, but you are still benefiting from it. This makes sense if you put it next to the hermit, you’re still benefitting from what you did in the past so why fix something if it’s not broken?” The customer nodded and hummed in agreement, they seemed to take it more seriously now and the dumbfounded look when they came in first was now wiped off their face.

“Are you ready for the future card? Please remember that everything can be changed, even if this card is bad it’s not set in stone. Tarot cards are here to guide you, not tell you what is going to happen so don’t freak out if it’s a bad card.” You smile at them.

“Oh okay, yeah I’m ready.”

The most feared cards were always death, the devil, the tower and the hanged man but even though they weren’t the most pleasant cards they still offered guidance and they give you a second chance to change your path. You show the card to the person and it turns out to be the devil, their eyes widen and you feel the aura in the room change.

“Before you freak out think about what I said.” Your tone changed and you were trying to calm them down because people freaked out before and broke your stuff and you didn’t need that right now.

“In the future position, this card is a warning. You are setting up structures in your life that are attracting people who are users, takers and not good for what you hope to accomplish. The Devil in the future position looms as something that can be minimized or avoided if you work hard to spot the areas in your life in which you lie to yourself in order to just get by or get along. A rigorous self-examination is needed in order to move forward with confidence in the beauty and value of life. Overall, this all makes sense, your past was good and you’re still benefitting from it but the hermit said to not go ahead with plans and the devil revealed that it might be because there are people who are trying to use you.”

“What do you suggest I do?”

“I think you should cut toxic people out of your life, if you don’t know who they are it’ll be revealed soon. After you do that and you’re sure that you trust the people you want to work with you can go ahead with your plans.”

“Okay. Thank you so much. I wasn’t very sure about this and I thought it would be funny and inaccurate but you have proven yourself to be the best fortune teller I ever went to. Thank you.” They got up and left. You sat back in your chair and sighed out, the air was still different, everything felt off and you didn’t know how to clear the air. The day wasn’t as slow as you predicted.

“What is wrong with me today? I can’t predict anything that’s going to happen today, it’s so frustrating.” You mumble to yourself. The day was coming to an end and you felt a sense of relief flush over you, even though you loved your job you were so drained. The air was different, you weren’t yourself, you were ready to rejoin your bed.

“Y/N there’s one more customer and we all packed up already, would you mind doing it?” You co-worker asks and you smile at her and agree to do the last person. They open the door and you turn around to greet them, your eyes widen and the air suddenly became heavier and your mind was racing, you couldn’t read anything from him but you knew something was going on, you were always able to read people but it proved to be impossible with him.

“What’s your name?” You ask.

“I’m Xu Minghao.” He smiles at you and reaches out to shake your hand. The second your skin made contact with his it felt like there was a massive force pressing down on your chest, you couldn’t breathe and your vision was blurry.

Who is he? You thought to yourself.

“Would you mind if I just went out and got some air? You can get comfortable and relax. I’ve been stuck in this room all day and it feels like the walls are closing in on me.” You laugh and try to hide your feelings and the pain you were experiencing.

“Of course, take all the time you need.” He answered you and you stumbled to the door. Your co-workers were just leaving and noticed the state you were in.

“Do you need help Y/N?” One of them asks.

“No no, I’m fine, I’m just feeling weird. It’s probably because I’ve been here all day and it was very busy.” You laugh and try to not worry them.

“Will you be able to close up by yourself?”

“Of course! Go home and relax, we all need it.” You shoo them off so they can go home to their families. You go out the back and take deep breaths which seemed to help. You didn’t want Minghao to wait any longer for you since he probably has his own stuff to deal with so you took one last deep breath and went back inside. He was sat on the brown leather chair with his head down, looking at his phone. You heart was racing again and you didn’t know how to control it so you pretended to be okay.

“What can I do for you Minghao?” You ask and he looks at you with the nicest smile on his face, your palms got sweaty and you felt nervous around him.

“I’d like to know about my love life, what’s going on with it and what the hell is happening.” He laughed and looked at you lovingly. You weren’t able to laugh with him, you stared at him and admired his beauty. “Uhm, is that okay?” You snapped back to reality and realized you had no idea what he asked you to do.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so distracted. What did you want me to do again?”

“Love.” He smiled.

“Oh yes, alright, okay.” You grabbed your deck and shuffled it nervously with cards falling to the ground which you picked quite quickly. You calmed yourself down before placing them all out in front of him to let him pick the cards. You were just as curious about his reading as he was. He picked three cards and you put the rest of them away. You uncovered his present and it was Justice.

“In the present position, the Justice card represents a situation facing you that requires a decision. The card alone does not indicate the specific nature of the decision you are being moved to make. In this case it’s about your love life since you asked about it – it could be something epic in your life plan or something that appears to be a small decision in the scheme of things. The presence of the Justice card in your Tarot reading indicates that your coming decision is an irreversible one and that your free will in making it will be a force that pours a foundation on which the rest of your life may be setting.”

“I’m not sure I follow. I don’t think there’s any decision I have to make.”

“Are you seeing anyone?” You ask.

“No, not at all. I’m not even interested in anyone.”

“Hm, weird. Let’s uncover the rest of the cards and see if we can make sense out of this.” You smile.

The next card was his past, he seemed quite uncomfortable when you went to uncover it – turned out it was The Hanging Man, which isn’t good.

“Wow.” He says. “My past was pretty bad with relationships so I’m not really surprised I got this.”

“Do you know about tarot cards?”

“A little, I did some research before coming here, I wanted to know what’s the deal with them.”

“Well, The Hanged Man in the past position underscores that your current situation began with a letting go, a retreat, a foregoing of pleasure or reward in order to not be controlled by simple temptations. You are where you are now because of a decision to leave things behind or let them all settle themselves. Does that make sense to you?”

“Yeah, I am single after all. See, my past relationships always ended badly, I would give my heart to my partners but I’d get nothing in return, a lot of them cheated on me as well.” Your heart broke as he began to explain his situation. “I guess I came here to see if things will get better.” His smile didn’t feel as warm and loving as before, he started playing with his fingers and stopped making eye contact with you. Your heart ached and you knew it was really bad to project your feelings and hopes for the customer onto the tarot cards but you really hoped it would work out for him. After a longer silence he looked up at you with his fringe covering his eyes. You shook your head and got back to the reading.

“Okay with the present and past out of the way it’s time for the future.” You look at him for reassurance to go ahead with the reading.

“Go ahead.” He nods.

“Uhm, please don’t freak out if it’s a bad card. I had a few people break my things before even hearing what I had to say because they were scared. The cards offer guidance okay? They’re not here to set your life in stone.”

“I understand.” He fiddled with his fingers and once again didn’t make eye contact. You truly hoped it would be a pleasant card. You closed your eyes while you turned the card around and opened one of your eyes to look at it. Everything hit you at once, suddenly you were able to read him, the air wasn’t as heavy as before. You looked up and him with your mouth parted and your hands gripping the handles of the chair.

“It’s the lovers card.” It took everything you had in you to say it.

“Is that good?” He looked at your expression and wasn’t able to tell whether it’s good or bad. You looked at him and everything was clear, you saw yourself and him. All those years you tried looking for your soulmate came to an end once your mind was cleared and you uncovered his future card.

“Y/N?” He tries to get an answer out of you but how are you meant to tell him that you two are meant to be without sounding crazy?

“Uhhh.”

“Are you okay?” He stopped worrying about the cards and noticed something was off with you. “Please say something?”

“The Lovers card is the best card to get as a future outcome in relation to love. It basically means you are ready to date someone and it’ll be a person who’s perfect for you. You just need to be smart and not lose sight because they say love is blind. So, the present card makes sense, you have to make a move and decide.”

“But I’m not seeing anyone?”

How are you going to tell him you’re his soulmate? How do you approach this situation?

“Do you believe in soulmates?” You ask him.

“I think so, I think everyone has a person they’re meant to meet in their life that will make a huge impact on them, whether it’s friendship or relationship.”

“It’s me.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m the soulmate.”

Minghao furrows his eyebrows and sits back, your eyes are locked on the lover’s card and you avoid making eye contact with him. You didn’t know how he’d react to your announcement, whether he’d deny it or believe you. It was a lot to take in for someone, even for you. You never felt a connection with anyone, you tried to be with people regardless of your feelings but it never worked out. The fact that Minghao was the one meant for you was overwhelming and seemed to happen way too fast for you. The silence was overbearing but Minghao started laughing.

“I think you’re cute too, if you want to go on a date you could have just asked me.”

“Minghao I’m serious!”

“How could you possibly know you’re my soulmate?”

There it goes, time to prove yourself.

“Just like I know what happened with your last girlfriend.” You say quietly and he directs his attention to you. “I know she was abusive, you bought her a promise ring for your anniversary and she threw it in your face and admitted to cheating.” You closed your eyes as tight as you could and felt tears forming. Minghao didn’t say anything but you heard him stand up off his seat. You took a deep breath and looked at him, he was smiling, leaning over your desk, inches away from your face.

“So how about that date?”

[themousai]

Q+A: LAULIA

Your new single ‘13/7’ just got released ahead of ‘Outcast Kids’ which luckily, we only have to wait until this Friday to hear when it’s officially available as a double A side vinyl through Rose Coloured Records. How are you feeling about having these songs out in the world? We couldn’t be more excited really. 13/7 was the first track that for us snowballed very quickly, Ollie sent me over a demo and I was instantly inspired, I finished writing my part that evening and ever since then we’ve been raring to get it out. If it were that simple, we would have released it that day if we could. We just wanted people to hear it. So now, having been sat on these tracks for a while whilst we organised promo, videos etc, it’s been like dangling sweets in front of a kid and telling them not to eat it. It’s been hard to keep things all to ourselves, so finally releasing the single is gonna definitely be a buzz for sure.

What made you put ‘13/7’ out first? 13/7 isn’t actually officially out yet, we just released it on Soundcloud for people to get a sneak preview of whats to come. This is purely because for us, we felt the music speaks for itself, and by giving people a preview of it, we hoped that that’d be all they’d need to feel the same excitement we do. It’s a powerful song, and I just think it says it all really. I don’t think we wanted any gimmicks or PR stunts, it was more just about sharing a track that we were insanely proud of and hoping that listeners would connect to it, and want to be a part of the release.

Do the two tracks have a similar idea or story behind them? Both tracks are about toxic relationships, but coming from very different angles. 13/7 is about monotony and habit within our relationships. We often feel it’s our responsibility to take care of the people we care about, but sometimes their self-destructive, co-dependent habits can really take a toll on our lives. 13/7 is about coming to terms with the fact that it is not our job to try and fix somebody who isn’t interested in fixing themselves, and that sometimes we must accept that taking care of ourselves is more important. This may mean stepping back or walking away from a relationship that we care about, but at times this is the best decision we could make for ourselves. / Outcast Kids relates to this, it’s a narrative about a very self-destructive & codependent relationship. The bond these 2 people share is extremely honest, and pure. The pair are inseparable, bound by their flaws. They both have extremely self destructive tendencies, but find comfort in knowing that the other is doing the same. It almost gives them reassurance and helps them justify the negative choices they are making. Essentially, the relationship is doomed with this dynamic as they are constantly feeding off each other, but being the destructive people they are - that’s what they love about it. 

What do you hope people feel when listening to these new songs? For me, music is about connection. These tracks are an expression of how we feel, musically and lyrically, and so however people choose to see themselves in these songs is up to them. If they connect with the stories and the lyrics, or just vibe with the music and wanna jam out with us, that’s all we want. For people to connect and feel whatever they choose to. Music is so subjective, and people enjoy listening to music in different ways. We don’t want anyone to feel 1 particular thing, but to feel a part of something and see themselves in what we’re creating. Our listeners are as much of a part of our music as we are. Having signed to Rose Coloured Records for the release of the Double A Side Vinyl, can you tell us a little about how this experience has gone compared to when you independently released your ‘Burning Out’ 7″ earlier this year? Andy from Rose Coloured Records has always been a good friend, and supporter of the band. We love what he’s doing for new bands/artists and always wanted to work together with him on a release. Joining forces to make 13/7 / Outcast Kids a reality felt like the right step forwards for us, we love working with new people and this whole experience has been something totally different from what we’re used to. It’s nice to have some guidance, and whilst we’ve still maintained control of our creative output, having some support with the PR, planning and distribution side of things has made a huge difference. We’re all extremely grateful to Andy for his hard work and support, as a genuine music fan, his intentions are nothing but what you’d want from a label. We’re lucky to have him on our side.

Do you write more often from a third person perspective or from personal experience? Why do you think you lean more towards one than the other? I don’t usually write with an intention, my writing is almost always an expression of my emotions. I often feel a certain way, or have experienced something that’s left a sour taste, and writing is my way of processing and dealing with it. There’s nothing more therapeutic than shouting about how you feel from the top of your lungs, or turning pain into something beautiful. There are times though, when my mind goes into overdrive, and I get inspiration purely from my imagination. Stories, ideas or things I have witnessed turn into narratives and I love running with those ideas, but I would never confine myself to writing a particular way or about a certain topic, it’s an expression and I think containing that achieves the exact opposite of what it’s meant to.

What are your musical influences like? Do you each bring very different ideas to the table when writing or are you quite similar in this aspect? We all take inspiration from different music, having been shaped by different bands/artists as we’ve developed our personal love for music, this is why our songwriting process is so interesting - we draw inspiration from different genres and styles and sorta merge it to create our own. Of course we have mutual loves, and our inspirations cross over a lot (I mean, that’s why we’re in a band together), but we’re all very individual in what drives us, and that’s where I think our sound comes from. 

You were included in Blood Records ‘Girls Against’ compilation last year in the great company of Courtney Barnett, Dream Wife, PINS and many more - how did you feel when you found out about that? Do you think it helped put your music out to a wider range of listeners? It was crazy, especially since the opportunity came to us so early on, we’d barely been a band for longer than a few months so it was very surreal. Being a part of a record alongside bands/artists that we all admired was like a massive wake up call, it sorta gave us an insight into what we could achieve with this band and the potential that it had. Knowing that our music could exist alongside names like that, I think was the catalyst for us, we just wanted to go full speed ahead from that point on. It also sorta laid some groundwork for us, we were introduced to fans of the exact kind of music we were looking to produce, whilst supporting a cause that we so heavily believed in, so yeah it was a total blessing - we couldn’t be more grateful. 

Ahead of your release show in London, what should we be expecting from your live set? Performing live is easily my favourite part about being in this band. The stage is our home, and we feel comfiest up there. It gives us the chance to fully immerse ourselves in what we’re creating, and there’s no other feeling like it. Our set is filled with highs and lows, expect ethereal moments of emptiness, followed by immense soundscapes, grungy riffs and lots of throwing ourselves about & hair flicking haha. 

Lastly, what does LAULIA have in the works for the future? The coming months are gonna be pretty crazy for us I think. Once we’ve come out the other end of celebrating this release, we wanna get straight onto working towards another record. The next step for us is putting out an EP, we’d love something that really introduces us to the world and shows everyone what we’re really about as a band. We’re still very new and we’re still kind of shaking the hands of everyone at the moment. The next coming months I think we really want to start breaking the ice within the industry, and with our supporters as well. We want people to know who we are and what were about, and feel a part of that. So plenty of shows, tours, and connecting with people is what we want to work towards. That and getting an EP out are our main focuses. Oh, and Glastonbury of course.

Stream 13/7 / Outcast Kids on Spotify and Apple Music now and be sure to purchase the Double A Side 7″ Vinyl here!

Quick Fire:

The one song I wish I wrote is... Lauren: Hmmm, either ‘Formidable Cool’  by Wolf Alice or ‘No Care’ by Daughter. Ollie: ‘She Changes The Weather’ by Swim Deep. Harry: ‘Jet’ by Wings. Kurt: ‘Electric Feel’ by MGMT.

Three things I can’t live without are... Lauren: Yoga, laughter, and obviously hummus with pitta. Ollie: Garlic, Electroharmonix Memory Man & Rome total war. Kurt: Lucky charms, Dr Pepper, Drums. Harry: Ginger tea, Labradors, Sports Socks.

Phones out, or phones away if you're watching a band live... Lauren: Phones away always, gotta live in the moment. Harry & Kurt: Ditto. Ollie: Depends if they’re good or not.

Three adjectives that describe my life are... Lauren: Hectic, Fulfilling, Vibrant. Ollie: Umami, Comfortable & Accelerating. Harry: Cosy, Wholesome, Exciting.  Kurt: Organised, Busy & Energetic.

If I held a world record it would be for... Lauren: Fastest person to finish a bottle of wine. Ollie: Most words incorrectly spelled in a single message. Harry: Most unimpressed facial expressions made in one day. Kurt: Longest time to answer a quick fire question.. Still waiting.

My first memory of loving music is... Lauren: Dancing to MTV as a 2/3 year old and stealing every dance floor I could no matter where my parents took me. Ollie: Playing ‘Parklife’ on repeat whilst bouncing on my sisters bed at the age of 5. Harry: Listening to style council records in my uncle’s kitchen. Kurt: Trying to play along to the radio on my dads suitcase with sticks that I found.

The song of mine that I am the proudest of is… Lauren: Bloody Knees or 13/7, both for very different reasons. Ollie: Wide Eyes. Harry: Gloe. Kurt: The Collectors.

My favourite venue I've ever played is… Lauren: The Facebar in Reading. Ollie: BLove because I loved playing a huge stage, and my mum came along. Kurt: The Boileroom. Harry: The New Cross Inn.

The ideal environment for me to create music in is… Lauren: Whilst I would love it to be on a scenic beach or waterfall somewhere, it tends to be alone in my bedroom. Kurt: My home studio. Harry: My shed. Ollie: With my pedal board and people I trust.

If I could tour with any two bands, they would be… Lauren: Idles (easily my favourite band to see live), and Cherry Glazerr. Ollie: Pulled Apart by Horses and S club 7. Harry: Gurr and Queens of The Stone Age. Kurt: Marmozets and Foals.  

Follow LAULIA on Social Media!

FACEBOOK | SPOTIFY | TWITTER | INSTAGRAM

Interview by Scarlett Dellow, photo by Fraser H-N

[mubal4]

The Journal Journey Part 18

 Writing is a challenging endeavor.  I made a commitment last year to write, three days a week and hit publish.  I try hard to honor this and, for the most part, I have been executing well.  There are weeks that just get the better of me and I may only do two days, but I still am staying consistent in getting my work out there.  There are days that I draw a blank and am unable to come up with a topic.  Typically, it is just my mind racing in other directions I am not willing to sit down and contemplate something or, nothing is tugging at me.  Last year, I was able to create this Journal Journey to help me, not only find topics to share, but also allow me to reflect on where my mind was when I first began writing at the beginning of 2017.  It is great to see the quotes and thoughts that were on my mind, or the lessons I was learning at certain times in the past and to have them come up to the surface again.  It is also interesting to see how my perspective may have changed over the course of 12-18 months.  Yesterday and today have been more unpredictable as usual and I wasn’t sure how things were going to go so I haven’t had much time to put thought into a blog post. Therefore, I am reverting to my growth journal to share some thoughts from almost two years to the day, January 28, 2017.  For me, I think it is still good, even though I am calling on this practice to come up with ideas, to still get something out there and stay consistent with the actual writing.  No matter the content, topic, or message, for me it is beneficial, and my intent is that it is for you too.

 On we go!

 -          “Position of Discipline – What is the message I am sending here? I will judge and punish you? Or I will help you think and learn?” – Carol Dweck – This is from Carol Dweck’s book, “Grit.” Great read and suggest you give a whirl.  I believe this can be used in so many contexts.  As a leader, mentor, manager, etc.  I see it, or, it hit me as a parent.   An area where I believe I need to improve is around the discipline of my daughters.  I think we do a good job, for the most part. Our girls are great, and it is very rare that I feel the need to “discipline” them.  I was going to say, “correct them, yes,” but I stopped because I don’t think that is appropriate either.  What is correct behavior for us may not be for them.  I mean, obvious stuff right, don’t push a lady into traffic is not the right behavior, but I am thinking in more gray areas.  Offering wisdom and guidance is what I am speaking about.  Where I need the improvement is in my delivery.  Kids will screw up and they will frustrate us as parents, and I have a tendency to let that frustration show in my tone.  A few weeks ago, we had this conversation as a family and my girls shared with me, this area, as one where I can improve.  I think, just based on tone, one can perceive the message you are sending, or, the wisdom you are trying to share, as judgement/discipline or as an opportunity to think and learn.  I think with discipline and judgement we are trying to control the situation.  With offering the ability for them to think and learn, we are giving control over to them to make the decisions.  If gives them the ability to be creative, to grow, to fail, to get uncomfortable.  We begin to give them some independence and I think it creates a level of trust between the parent and child.  In turn, it may give them more confidence and self-esteem, and certainly more self-awareness.  

-          “The body has limitations.  The mind does not.” – I’ve heard this said by many throughout the years and have experienced it personally.  That said, I am surprised sometimes on how far we can push our bodies.  But, does that have to do with our body, or our mind. There was a dude that I had the opportunity to spend some time with during an event that liked to say, “you’ll pass out before you die.” I think that has some relevancy here because, at least I think with our bodies, when we reach a limit physically, our body will just give out. I see this with my body and when it doesn’t feel right because of tweaks, soreness, injury.  As I’ve gotten older, I have gotten better at listening to these messages; still have work to do there as well but progress.  However, there are those moments when, you think your body can’t go another step, you feel you are spent, and your mind is willing you to keep moving forward. This can be in any type of endeavor; I am not just talking about a physical activity like running!!  Is this what this message above is referring to?  I think it has some play there because, the reason we do quit, at least in my opinion, is because of those demon thoughts that enter our mind telling us to stop, stay in bed, it’s too cold out, etc.  Our body, with its limitations, listens to our mind. However, just as easy as it is to listen to those thoughts, our mind makes it easy to talk to ourselves too; to tell us to get out of bed, get active, and get moving.  We can dig into this deeper as well.  I am 5’6” – I was okay all my life knowing I wasn’t going into the NBA 😊.  In that respect, my body had limitations. However, my mind would have let me create that dream and visualize it if I wanted it.  Our mind affords us the ability to create big dreams, but our body sometimes prevents us from acting on those dreams.  Or, IS IT our mind that is preventing us?

-          “We have all been given a gift to share with the world.  It is up to us to figure it out.” – I truly believe this and am experiencing it each day.  I’ve shared this story with you all and it is something that I have been fortunate to find out.  It took me about 40 years to figure out what my gift was, and it is to provide my girls, and others, the tools, skills and knowledge to live joyful and fulfilled lives while positively impacting the world.  These are the skills that I have been able to learn through failure, mistakes, growth, learning, asking, and living.  For me, being able to share my gift, writing in this blog, producing the podcasts, and connecting with people every day, provides me with joy and fulfillment.  This was what I was given by God, and my gift to Him is to share it.  That is what, at least I believe, is our purpose, to share our gift, our story, with the world.  How many of us go to the grave without sharing our gift?  How many of us don’t ever realize what our gift was? How many don’t believe they have one? We all do, and we just have to find it. It took me a long time to realize it and many moments of being incredibly uncomfortable. I had to ask myself some tough questions about myself, my life, my family, and what I really deemed as what was important to me.  What was I willing to give up and let go of? What really brought me joy and fulfillment.  What of those challenges is, understanding that, whatever the gift is, it is YOUR GIFT and you must not give a damn about what others think of it? Share it and be proud of it.

-          “The point at which change happens starts with a decision.” – I would go a bit further on this and say action, but I guess you are making that decision to take action. You want to change something in your life that you are not happy with?  Make the decision to take action and do it.  I had this thought yesterday as I was walking around my house.  Our shower, which is a walk-in separate from the bath, leaks a bit from the one part of the door.  It is not a big leak but, if you are in the shower long enough, it is noticeable on the floor.  I replaced the seal and it helped but hasn’t completely eliminated the leak.  When I thought about this the other day, I realized that this circumstance hasn’t become intolerable for me to make that decision to really fix it.  I believe once a situation becomes intolerable, that is when we make the decision to change.  We have thoughts of changing something all the time; we want things to be better, easier, etc.  But, are we willing to invest the time and effort to take that action?  Most of the time, that change would be “a nice to have,” therefore, we don’t feel the need to take the action.  However, when shit becomes intolerable, that is when we get our assess in motion.  

-          “The purpose of the goal isn’t achievement of the goal but who we become during the process.” – I’ve heard this often and shared it many times as well.  I believe it to be incredibly true.  NOW!!  Up until a few short years ago, I was all about the achievement.  That achievement was what determined who I was; what I was. Then I realized that when I got the “achievement,” yeah, I may have felt “special” for a moment, but that moment was fleeting.  It didn’t last.  However, when I began reflecting on what I had to do to get to that achievement, what I learned through that process, and who I became; or, how I became different, changed!!! That is what caught my attention. Our culture sells the glory and winning! The big reward at the end of the road.  But the real story is in the journey to get there.  The hours and hours of working on your craft.  The stuff that is not sexy; going to bed late, waking up early, getting the nasty, gritty shit down when you don’t want to do it.  Sacrificing time with your family, risking what is comfortable and easy, doing those things that so many others are not willing to do. It sucks sometimes.  It hurts.  It is exhausting, and, you are going to question why?  But you were given that gift, and this is all part of that journey to identify that gift.  To share it with the world.  To make that impact. To make yourself, and this place, a little bit better than how we found it!!

[lostinruans]

You’re a BusyBro, But I’m Still Butthurt.

So context I guess. There’s this guy who I would say has really made an impact in my spiritual, social, and emotional life and sense of identity. When I met this guy at Church my Junior Year of High School, I was cautious, shy, and afraid, as I am with like 99.99% of people I first meet or get to know, But later, when hearing that this person would be a leader in the youth group at church, and would personally mentor me and walk beside me, I had no idea what that exactly meant, but I was excited. Although I had no idea what to expect from this guy, from this seemingly assigned relationship, I wanted to trust him in hearing my struggles in life, in faith, and everyday life and having him push me to see the light beyond the tunnel, to see Christ as an answer to many questions and problems. However, one can say that this was not necessarily the case. I am not entirely sure what was going on in my life, in my head, or my heart, but I don’t think faith was a huge issue for me back then. The Church was a more socially-based function... At least that’s one way I can interpret it, thinking back on it now. The Church was where I got attention, it was where I could hang with friends, it was where I could feel popular or needed. Of course, I’m not saying that now it still ISN’T a place to see people, etc, but there are many other things such as seeking hope, guidance, encouragement, discernment, growth, worship that I am trying my best to “Get” from church (I hope this doesn’t sound bad haha) but yeah. Long story short, I don’t think my Spiritual Identity or identity in general back then was solid. 

IDK. Maybe it’s an excuse, but in general, the whole mentorship/brother-ship this didn’t really work out... I thought it would be more... chill? haha. More lax, more caring, asking personable questions, helping me develop my personal faith and trust in Christ. But idk. It was too structured and formal and repetitive. I feel bad because I wasn’t receptive or responsive, but I’m pretty sure both of us were quite confused, lost, and unsure of how to approach thing.

OKAY OKAY OKAY. So long story short, but till TLDR worthy, ever since the bruh got married and lowkey stepped down from youth group leadership and I graduated high school and started attending college group, we saw each other significantly less. Our mentor/mentee relationship seemed sketch to me haha. Just because I am selfish and needy and high maintenance af, and I’d deem someone a mentor if they are able to actually be there for me as they have promised or stated before. And it became painful, almost saddening because I’d have so much I’d want to share with that person, but while waiting I’d grow impatience or flustered and someone else would basically be there instead. ANd yes, I know they’re busy. I’m busy. I’m in school, they’re in school and working and doing what married people do. But I just wanted to evaluate our relationship. I didn’t want to cut him off, but it was just hard to call him a “mentor” when it was hard just to meet up to meet our long-ago-decided once a month meet up fling thing jawn. Even in attempt to hint that I’d want to meet up more, no... That I’d need to meet up more because I want to mature and grow and relate more, he didn’t really get the message or the seriousness. And so, after many long, buried, hidden sentences and tears later during our meeting in November, we decided to just retitle our relationship as “good good friends and brothers” for the sake of my sanity, but we would still meet up somewhat regularly to hang out and keep each other in check. 

And so, heavy chunks of weeks would go by, then whole months where he’d forget me and I’d bite my tongue assuming that he’s just too busy for me right now. And now. It’s been 3 months since we’ve last met. It had been 2 months since I’ve seen him in general and we planned a day to grab food and chill. He postponned, I was cool with that. Especially since it happens so often, and that I should be grateful for meeting with him in general, which sometimes i still a struggle. And the day before, I ask once again, and he cancels because of school work. I painfully, butthurtedly replied, “add oil.” Again, biting my tongue. I didnt want to argue, I didn’t want to question. I kinda wanted to just dig myself a hole and jump into it honestly. And it didn’t help that I’d see people’s facebook, instagram or snapchat posts with him, or hear about great conversations theyd have with him recently.

It’s been three months. I can’t even meet with him for two hours maximum. I get that I’ve got friends and other mentors, but that doesn’t demean or decrease your value. I still want to tell you things. I still want to vent to you. I still want to tell you about achievements I’ve made and loses I’ve dealt. I want to hear about your life. About your struggles. Your experiences. Your battles. From the beginning, I just wanted someone to be there. As much as youve told me you’re there for me, you’re going to listen, you’re going to help me, you’ve been on ghost mode. Things I tell you end up not even being new news anymore, they become VHS tapes that are noisily rolled back in reverse and just told again. They become thoughts regurgitated that I’ve already moved beyond while waiting for you to have a sliver of time for me. We spoke about sharing some of my first (legal) drinks together and bonding that way, but honestly I am almost hunnit percent positive that others will drink dozens of drinks or that even I would drink dozens on my own before you even remember or get to remember my birthday or that we haven’t met in a while around that time.  

Like I am literally shook when you meet up with people on the fly. I want some conversations with you. I want some meals with you. I want a brother. I am butthurt. I am inflicted. Am I still expected too much? Am I still selfish to the core? Am I just being the petty, inconsiderate asshole I am? Do I ask for much?

TBH, I don’t even know anymore. Everyone is getting busier, and I’m getting more insecure because I know I can’t live in a non-coexistent world. I can not live on my own, I need people to be there. I need you to be there. The hope from Christ is only tangible in so many ways. And when people aren’t there, When you’re not there, I’m just blindly crossing roads I’m unsure of. Procedures and supplements that I don’t even know the effects of are just picked up because I know not what I am doing on my own. I am not independent. 

Idk. Sorry. I just needed to get this rant out. Because I can’t say it outloud to people. And If i do, I can’t say too much or people can’t take me seriously. I am lost in my own sea of emotions. Im so dramatic and petty.  aye. I’m such a mess. Lord send help. Remind me that You are there. Because I am a crazy fiend and sinner. Slay my selfishness. 

- Crazy Wreck of an Almost 21 year old.