#'lost inspiration' as in 'my first post flopped so i didnt want to make another one' lmao

[daydreamertrait]

this was originally going to be for that pokemon/sim edit challenge but then i lost inspiration lol she's a ghost gym leader

[blackgirlblues]

Being A Black Girl: And Chasing Your Dreams.. Yikes.

Hi, 

It’s me, your resident black girl back with some new shit to rant about. I’ve been posting a few screenshots of short poems and paragraphs I’ve been writing on my phone as a way to heal and get over Capricorn boy from my last post on here and I see you guys like and reblog. Thank you for showing love, although it makes me sad that so many of you seem to be going through the same range of emotions I am. I’m sorry. 

I know it’s a lonely place to be in. 

But, on the bright side, I’ve got a lot of new followers joining the diary/manual/rant page that is blackgirlology and it’s nice cause I think it’s becoming a little bit of a community. So, in a way, were never really going through any of these emotions alone. If you’ve found this page-you’re part of a community. Bask in it. 

Anyways, that aside, a lot has happened since I last spoke to you. I don’t know if any of you may remember, and for some new people this will be a surprise. But I’m actually a singer songwriter from Ireland. Moved to London a year and a half ago to pursue my music dream and that’s how I met Capricorn boy whos been the source of all my poems. 

Throughout this time in between, I’ve been trying to chase my dreams, and chase them relentlessly. and this summer i did just that, let me tell you, what im about to tell you guys, is to put it simply, wild. I’ll just cut to the chase. 

It all started in July. I’d been in London for quite a long time now, over a year and now have a manager who’s my best friend first and foremost. We’ll call her Maya. I met her in my first week of moving to London in the student halls I was staying at and we became best friends pretty quick. She studies music business, so it made sense and she just naturally ended up taking up the role as my music manager. Shes seen everything. The songs I wrote about Capricorn boy, the tears, everything. And she saw everything this summer. 

I saw an ad for a record label opportunity in London. It was advertised on my university facebook page; a new indie label, looking for demo submissions for a competition they were setting up to find their new signee. I sent a screenshot to Maya who agreed I should send my stuff in. I did, they liked it, I got a meeting, we were sent terms and conditions for the competition. We signed it, the rest was supposed to be history. 

Big yikes. 

There’s so many layers to this story that I will be shortening it, just because it can get very draining for me to talk about or even write about. I’ve healed from it i think, but I still want to put it here and write it about to finally close that chapter and be done with my feelings about what happened to me and my music. 

Basically, the whole competition, the record label, the dickhead CEO, it was all a scam. I had accidentally signed away the master rights to my new song to a record label started by a fake CEO who was committing fraud and known for tricking young artists into handing over their master rights so he could profit off of them, for power. 

It was a mess. Another contestant told me and Maya when we were outside of their office. Just minutes before we were under the impression that I was doing an interview for Billboard Magazine. Honestly, I never truly believed it. Shit was too good to be true. 

But she told us everything. How he was actually a run away from Spain, where he was caught and exposed for doing the exact same thing to artists there, how he didn’t have any money to fund the competition he had somehow roped all of us into, how he was illegally avoiding paying his team, how none of the creatives we had collaborated with for photoshoots etc were paid, how everything was a lie, how he didnt have any connections, and how he was trying to convince me specifically to sign a 360 deal with his label. 

Which, guys, I’m not stupid. After the first week of being with the label for the competition and letting my song live through their disastrous marketing campaign, Maya and I long decided that regardless of what they said, I would not under any circumstances be signing anything with any entity of their company. 

After being told the truth, I had to sit down. You see, when I came across this opportunity, I thought this was finally the life I’d been manifesting coming true. I had begun to grow in my spirituality and start journaling, writing down my manifestations, and getting to work with a record label who would later offer me a fair contract before I turn 20 was one of the manifestations I had written down every night before I went to bed. However, what I’d gotten was the exact opposite. 

I remember, me, Maya, and 2 of the girls from the competition all stood around in a circle outside of their new office that the CEO also hadnt paid for wondering what our next move would be with this new information. There was still 2 other contestants inside who had no idea what was really going on was an elaborate scam. One of them wanted to go in and expose them on the spot. I said no, we had to go in and pretend like everything was normal until we figured out what to do afterwards. 

So in I went, plastering the fakest smile on my face and pretended like I still thought I was about to be speaking with Billboard Magazine. Once I got out, I broke down in Maya’s arms. 

I went home to my flatmates, Ellie and Bea and cried for hours before I had to go work a 7 hour shift at a pizza place. 

I stayed in bed, and cried, and cried. and cried again. I didn’t get out of bed unless I needed too. The only people I talked too were my flatmates E and B and Maya. 

Everything was sorted out eventually, a lot more happened, but as I’ve been writing this article for you guys, I realised that all of that stuff is no longer relevant to my journey and isnt something I want to bring back into my energetic circle because I’ve made peace with the fact that a lot of people who betrayed me when I was at my lowest, peace with the fact that these contestants who wanted to “work together” to get out of this mess, actually wanted to save their own asses and leave me in the cold. 

But I still got out of it and I’m still here. 

I nearly got sued by a man with less than 20 pound to his company account online, but hey, I’m here.

I guess why I’m telling you guys this really short account of my summer is to both record it for myself but also to say its okay to flop, its okay to fail. I did both this summer. and thank god i did. it was the best thing that ever happened to me. 

following your dreams is scary, doing it as a black girl is terrifying because society has already kind of set you up to fail. there’s already misconceptions about what you do, who you are, where you come from and how good you’re going to be at what you do. its almost like we cant fail and we need to work 10 times harder to obtain half of what the average white person will get. and sometimes it can feel like we dont have any space to fail or make mistakes because of this but let me tell you thats not true. 

if anything, the universe will put you in places that will force you to grow through the mistakes you make. and thats exactly what happened to me this summer. 

i chased my dream so relentlessly i ended up in an environment i thought i manifested, i thought was good for me, only for the universe to show me that that specific environment i’d been wishing to be in is the furthest from what i need right now in my life. 

this so called failure showed me that not everybody who smiles can be trusted, and that people can be way more deceiving than i ever thought, especially when push comes to shove and they need to save themselves. you start to see the real them when it starts to get tense. the people who seem to be around you when you’re doing good will most likely dissapear when things start to go south, including some of your oldest friends. you will get radio silence on their end. be upset. cry. but after that be glad that this situation revealed their true colours. 

and then never put any more energy into them again. 

this failure showed me how fucking strong i am. how resilient and kind i am even in the face of disrespect and actual evil. it showed me how much i can care for someone who i believe is at a risk of losing it all, and showed me that this will not always be reciprocated. and for a while i thought that meant that i had to harden myself up and grow a shell. but i dont think so. i will not allow the things ive been through to make me into a hard person when i was born soft. i mean now, im a little rough around the edges, jagged enough to cut anyone who comes too close with some of that bad energy, but soft enough to hold myself tight and glue myself back together when i need to. soft enough to hold the people who held me this summer. soft enough to help people who i know deserve it. 

im a good person in a shitty world, i don’t need to match the world and become a shitty person to survive. 

after all of this happened, i stopped writing music. 

i haven’t written anything properly or produced anything in months and sometimes i get worried that ive completely lost my talent. but thats another thing that this failure taught me, i can never truly lose whats meant to be mine. i know that i was put on this earth to create change, to inspire, to be an activist and a voice for people who dont have one. i know i was put here to do it through a creative medium and right now i still think that is music. 

i think i just need to stop being so scared to start again, to learn my craft again.

i used to be so scared of failure but now i am so thankful for it and the lessons its taught me. i had so much hurt and pain and hatred in my heart for the universe for, in my head, doing this to me. but then i realised that the universe never does anything to you, it does it for you. all of this happened in my best interest and while i definitely didnt understand at the time, i get it now.

thank you universe for the worst summer of my life. 

and my black ass will be continuing to chase my dreams relentlessly, failing, tripping and falling on my ass until i get to the very top. 

besides, if everything had just gone right, that wouldnt have been very interesting, would it?

[aliferous-ly]

Find yourself and grow - bnha

this has nothing to do with the prompt but it inspired this s oooooooooo yup

Kirishima stared at the ceiling. An uncertain sort of energy thrummed through him, his eyes exhausted and bones like jelly but unable to close his eyes, his mind active but muted like a frizzled television.

He didn’t have the energy to get up but he didn’t have the ability to sleep, so Kirishima leaned over and grabbed his phone. Turning it on started a small headache right behind his eyes but Kirishima didn’t know what else to do, so he scrolled through a few social media sites, staring but not seeing.

A snapchat notification appeared at the top of his screen. [BROCCOLI BOI is typing…]

Kirishima narrowed his eyes and waited for the consecutive “BROCCOLI BOI has sent you a snap!”, but it never came.

He went to snapchat anyway, hovering over Izuku’s name for only a second before clicking.

[you] hey i saw u typing u up

Kirishima waited, hoping that Izuku was actually up and that snapchat didn’t glitch on him. Izuku’s profile bubbled, indicating that he was typing, and Kirishima let out a breath of relief.

[BROCCOLI BOI] yea sorry about that haha!

[BROCCOLI BOI] just a lil tired didnt want to bother u

[you] no worries i’m up too

[BROCCOLI BOI] you really should be getting sleep! sleep is incredibly important for lots of things

[you] i could say the same to u bro

[you] why u up?

[BROCCOLI BOI] why r u up?

[you] uh couldnt sleep

[BROCCOLI BOI] me neither

[you] ah

[BROCCOLI BOI] u should go to sleep tho

[you] u first

[BROCCOLI BOI] i can’t

[you] me neither

[you] i’m so tired i can’t get up but i cant fall asleep

[BROCCOLI BOI] wanna hang out in the lobby

[you] i just said im too tired to get up

[BROCCOLI BOI] but ur awake

[BROCCOLI BOI] i can carry u

[you] dude no i’m rlly heavy

[you] comes w the perks of being a literal rock

[BROCCOLI BOI] is that a challenge

[you] i mean go off deku

[BROCCOLI BOI] brt

“Oh my god,” Kirishima said aloud, running a hand down his face. “Oh man.”

Not a minute later he heard knocking before his door swung open, Midoriya genuinely standing in his threshold with All Might pajama pants and a plain red t-shirt.

Kirishima started sitting up, the fatigue receding for a moment as he laughed in shock. “I can’t believe you’re here, Midori– ah!” Kirishima yelped in surprise as Midoriya strode forwards and leaned down, placing his arms under Kirishima’s knees and behind his shoulders, picking him up effortlessly.

“Midoriya!” Kirishima threw his arms around Midoriya’s shoulders in shock, his body tensing instinctively.

A dusting of pink was brushed on Midoriya’s cheeks, but he said, “You aren’t that heavy, you know.”

Kirishima stared at him.

Midoriya shifted, then, looking more and more awkward. “I’m… I’m sorry? Uh. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. Uh.”

“This is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me,” Kirishima said, in awe. And wow, this was not great for his mini crush, honestly.

Mini. Yeah, okay.

Midoriya’s flush grew deeper but he didn’t set Kirishima down, instead positioning him into a more comfortable hold and stepping away from the bed. “So, uh, to the commons?”

“Let’s go to the rec room,” Kirishima said. The commons was always colder than the rec room, being so close to the entrance.

“The rec room…?” Midoriya said slowly. “There’s…?”

“Holy– okay, Midoriya, prepare to have your mind blown,” Kirishima said, gesturing with one hand for emphasis. “It’s like the commons but with like, way more pillows, and a way better TV, it’s hidden though, and there’s a code, you gotta follow it, okay?”

“Alright,” Midoriya said, laughter in his voice. “Lead the way, then?”

Kirishima flushed and wrapped his arms around Midoriya’s shoulders and neck again. He could probably walk, especially after Midoriya hyping him up about the rec room, but who was he to turn down such a rare experience?

Kirishima led him through the hallways, Midoriya giving him strange looks when he told him to go through the boiler room to get there. They eventually reached a door with a wooden sign. Which, in reality, was more of a wooden slab pinned to the door. Burnt into the wood said “enter if you dare”.

Kirishima exuberantly gestured to the door. “Here it is! All your hopes and dreams behind these hallowed doors!”

Midoriya glanced at him, then turned his gaze pointedly at the wood, a blush creeping up his neck as he muttered, “doubt it.”

“Hey dude, okay, I gotta–” Kirishima struggled out of Midoriya’s arms, now wide-awake and excited. “Initiation. So. You are about to enter the former abode of the hero squad known as Burnout.”

Midoriya hide his smile at Kirishima’s grave expression and jazz hands.

“Burnout found this abandoned room years ago and renovated it. They’re inspirations, really, and there’s rules pinned around the room that we have to follow or the room will reject us,” Kirishima said, nodding seriously. “A main one: no telling teachers. Legend says a member attempted to inform a teacher and they were never seen again…” Kirishima said lowly, then added, “just kidding! They were unable to use their quirk for a few hours. And they lost the trust of everyone else, obviously.”

“That sounds easy enough,” Midoriya said, mind already running through the possible quirks with such a power. It would have to encompass the room, but also be able to effect any who knew about it – including technically him as well, unless the rules weren’t enacted until he entered the room itself. Then the quirk had to be able to cause losing another quirk for a select amount of time by spoken word, maybe? These rules sounded awfully hard to enforce, and –

“’Doriya, my dude,” Kirishima punched him lightly in the shoulder. “Stay with me my man, that was only one.”

“Ah, sorry!” Midoriya blushed and rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

“Rule number two,” Kirishima said, holding up two fingers. “No fighting. Real fighting, since it can tell the difference, somehow. Quirk usage is okay, but once it gets too… real, you gotta take it outside. That one makes you really tired, I know from experience.”

“…okay,” Midoriya said, deciding life would be easier the less questions he asked. Less time spent talking, the sooner they’d actually go in.

“Those are the most important ones I guess,” Kirishima mused, shrugging. “Alright, Midoriya, initiation over!”

Kirishima pushed the door open and beckoned Midoriya in, letting the door fall shut after Midoriya had entered.

“Welcome to the rec room!” Kirishima said proudly, like he was presenting a personal accomplishment.

The room could hold a decent amount of people while retaining that cozy size, with two couches, two recliners, and an uncountable amount of varying sizes and kinds of beanbags thrown about. Just as Kirishima promised, a large flat-screen sat on one wall, but a minifridge ran softly in the back of the room with a shaded window nearby.

“Wow,” Midoriya breathed. The walls were covered in old boards, giving the room a rustic feel.

Kirishima breezed by him and plopped onto one of the couches, sighing deeply. “Ah, it’s been too long.”

“When were you here last?” Midoriya asked.

“Two days ago,” Kirishima said. “Kaminari found it first, of course, so he told me and Sero, then Ashido because she beat him at arm wrestling, and Bakugou – I think Bakugou found it before all of us, honestly. Todoroki has totally been here before, too, the ice box in the mini fridge is always stocked – and maybe like, Tokoyami? Because that dude knows like, everything.”

Kirishima seemed to melt into the couch as he spoke, movements becoming more and more sluggish until he yawned. Midoriya took a step, hesitation pouring through his veins, because he didn’t want to intrude on Kirishima’s… on Kirishima.

Kirishima looked soft and pliable in a way Midoriya had never seen before, and the normally loud and expressive teen was… quiet, and tired, and yawning.

“Hey dude, wanna play like… video games or something?” Kirishima said.

“Maybe a movie,” Midoriya suggested, eyeing Kirishima’s drooping eyes as he finally made it to the couch and sat down gingerly.

“Dude let’s watch Pacific Rim,” Kirishima said. “You haven’t seen it, right?”

“I haven’t,” Midoriya said.

“Awesome.” Summoning energy from some deep energy source within him, Kirishima lurched from the couch and picked through a stack of movies next to the TV. While Kirishima was getting the movie ready, Midoriya glanced around the room.

Small post-its nailed – yes, nailed – to the wall littered the wood in pale yellow, pink, green, and the occasional green or orange pieces of paper. He read the nearest one to him: “Rule 31: if one of you little shits sticks ONE more piece of bubblegum to the ceiling you’re evicted”.

“Oh, yeah,” Kirishima said, noticing Midoriya’s gaze. “They added rules as time went on.”

Midoriya glanced at another one – a dark purple one with silver sharpie writing, sharp and jagged, with the words “Rule 12: NO SEX IN THIS ROOM YA NASTIES -from your neighborhood ace”.

Midoriya blinked, in surprise, shock, or embarrassment, or possibly a mixture of all three.

“I think the original three uh,” Kirishima cleared his throat. “Made a later member mad.”

“Oh my god,” Midoriya breathed, soft laughter falling from his lips.

Kirishima gazed at him for another second or two before flopping back onto the couch, pressing play. He was notably closer to Midoriya than when Midoriya had initially sat down, their arms almost (almost) brushing.

A few minutes in, Kirishima’s head dropped onto Midoriya’s shoulder.

By the fifteen minute mark, Kirishima was asleep.

Midoriya wasn’t sure how Kirishima managed to sleep through one of the most action-packed movies he’d ever seen, counting the All Might saga, without stirring once.

By the time the movie ended, Midoriya’s shoulder was asleep, but he didn’t dare move Kirishima – he looked softer, relaxed, while he slept, and Midoriya didn’t want to disrupt that.

However, after sitting in complete silence for a few minutes, TV black, Midoriya realized he’d have to move.

“Okay, Kiri,” Midoriya murmured mostly to himself, since Kirishima was sleeping. “Let’s get you back to your room.”

He propped Kirishima against the back of the couch and stood, cracking his back and rotating his shoulders, then leaned down and picked Kirishima up, throwing him over his shoulder. While the princess-hold had been great for dramatic effect and great because Midoriya got to see Kirishima’s expression, he wanted to have an open hand.

The halls were eerily quiet, as it was around three or four in the morning, but Midoriya’s stride was confident. He’d walked these halls at early times before.

Entering Kirishima’s room, Midoriya gently lay the teen on his obnoxiously colored sheets, pulling the comforter over his body and, unable to resist the temptation, gave him a soft kiss on the cheek.

He was almost out the door when a quiet, “Midoriya?” sounded from the bed.

He paused, door in hand, and tilted his head. “Yeah?”

“I really…” a yawn, then, “I really like you.”

Midoriya’s cheeks inflamed and he tensed, throat suddenly dry. He turned around completely, to craft a probably embarrassing babble of a response, but Kirishima was already sleeping again.

Midoriya shut the door as silently as he could, then sped-walked back to his room, having a mini-crisis.

He definitely wasn’t getting any more sleep tonight.