#( ❛ HEADSPACE. — writings / this time wont you save me ) | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nckjcns · 6 years

Text

( ❛ ᴛʜɪs ᴛɪᴍᴇ ᴡᴏɴ'ᴛ ʏᴏᴜ 𝖘𝖆𝖛𝖊 𝖒𝖊 — gregg, joe, & ariana )

@ariianas @kecry

[going to post this as an intro bc chatzy deleted the whole middle section UNTIL joe came in. all u missed was a really sad ari finding him & calling joe. so yeah here enjoy bye.xx]

Gregg: it seemed like the shit was piling up & dealing with it was something gregg had no intention of doing anytime soon. in order to ignore it all ( plus the pesky little memories that were currently occupying his mind ) drugs were his new best friend. there wasn’t any filming that needed to be done today and barbara was god knows where- so the brit was alone in his LA apartment. bored & alone. that was the scary part, though. when you have nothing to do your memories creep up on you like a thief in the knight. you end up thinking more than usual & allowing your brain to just do it’s own thing. like a character off of breaking bad he poured the magical contents into the cooker & loaded his syringe with about 20 units of water. once the two were mixed together he watched the contents turn into something that reminded him of gasoline. the male loaded his needle and took a second to rethink his decisions. it didn’t help, though.“just a bit more..” he whispered to himself before injecting the needle into the nearest available vein. he had to switch arms daily or else his veins would collapse from overuse and make it more than noticeable how he had been torturing his body. there was a small sting when the needle first broke through his newly tanned skin & for a moment-- he felt total bliss. while he was so focused on the feeling he forgot to stop squeezing the syringe and the drug continued to snake its way through his body. he remembered, eventually, but when his body went weak & his eyes began to close; this all seemed like such a terrible idea. it was too late. he had no idea what was happening but it was all happening all too fast. as his body went warm and the room began to spin his only thought was; “junkies die. not me. i’m not a junkie. so this can’t be happening to me.” everything went black & the male laid back on his bed, needle still in his arm.

Joe: seeing gregg's name show up on his phone was the shock of his life. he knew that his /former/ best friend was going through something recently. joe knew what was going out, and despite his better judgement he didn't reach out to him. he figured his WIFE could handle it. the wounds the situation between ariana and gregg caused where healing. scaring over in fact. but seeing that name pop up on his phone made it feel like it was just /yesterday/ they spit those awful words at each other. he let it ring a bit longer before he reluctantly accepted the call, putting it to his ear. "uh......hello ?" the twenty six year old awkwardly answered. he tried to sound tough in case this wasn't going to be a pleasant conversation. but joe was an anxious fuck, his fingers were ALREADY trembling.

Ariana: ‘ fuck ’ she mouthed to gregg, her entire frame heating up in pure nerves. the last time ariana heard joe’s voice was the day that ended it all, which sent an unsettling pain to the pit of her stomach. “hey, it’s ari,” she started, “don’t hang up.” the decision to spit out the truth was far from easy since this would be the /second time/ she delivered news about her husband, which would have ultimately proved joe right. with that aside, ariana took a moment to deeply inhale and exhale before mustering up enough courage to speak. “to make a very long, fucked up story short ───” she swallowed, not knowing how he was going to react, “gregg had an accident and ... you’re the only person i know that could help. like, right now.” she was practically pleading for his assistance as she stood in place, crossed fingers in the hopes that the other male wouldn’t disappoint.

Joe: hearing ariana's voice was.... well, it was the last thing he expected. joe was absolutely awful with any type of confrontation, and for a woman he used to adore so much... he couldn't help but to harbor an intense dread whenever he thought of her. "uh----------," was the only thing he could get out when she insisted not to hang up. it was tempting, he couldn't lie. but when she said gregg had an accident, all bets were off and he quickly shot off "wait---what, what kind of accident ? is he okay ? are you okay ?"

Ariana: “i, uh, don’t know what you would consider ‘ potentially overdosing, ’” she sighed, speaking in a whispered tone, loud enough for only them two to hear. there was another inch of relief as he stood on the line with her, not blaming him if he just decided to hang up at the mention of her name. this wasn’t about her ( or so she kept convincing herself ), so she prayed that joe could finally look past that once he arrived. “i’m fine, but he’s pretty ... you know, banged up.” that was far from a lie since gregg’s appearance took a complete turn, compared to any other night they spent together.“look, can i expect you here within the hour, or what?”

Joe: "....do you know what he's using ?" joe is suddenly doing fifty things at once, flinging up off the bed, tossing his clothes and possessions into a suitcase. for now, none of the hurt feelings and harsh words mattered. he just had to get wherever gregg was at. "what do you mean an hour ? i thought you guys left bali ? you're going to need to be more specific with what's going on here, ariana.... please."

Ariana: with occasional glances over her shoulder, actually spitting out the next words required more work than she thought. “well, i walked in his room and there was a needle in his arm,” she spoke, growing completely numb with the situation, “and he would’ve choked on his vomit if i didn’t get here when i did.” she had no clue if gregg wanted joe to know the finer details, but one look at him and joe would’ve instantly pieced it together. her head tilted itself at an angle to his next sentence, which instantly caught her by surprise. “we did, and when the hell did you fly over there ? ─── you know what ? not important, just hurry.”

Joe: "okay. that's heroin," joe confirmed, instantly feeling sick. people DIED from heroin overdoses every day. "i----uh, is there any weird brown substances around ? if there is, flush it." the actor instructed, throwing his duffle bag over his shoulder. "like right before you guys left. but listen---i'll get the first flight i can. in the meantime, don't let him leave the room, ariana. even when he goes to the bathroom, you watch him."

Ariana: the reassurance in his voice about the substance sent goosebumps to her arm, wondering how she allowed it to get this far. so far that gregg looked past her, and focused on a near-death experience instead. all of her bottled up emotions were slowly eating up her core, and could you blame her ? for the moment, the mention of the bathroom strikes her attention, yet she’s too consumed in her own thoughts to acknowledge the boy’s former activities. “yeah, i- i’ll watch him. unblock my number.” with that, she hung up, lowering the phone from her ear. “he’s coming.”

Gregg: it had been a total of about 24 hours since gregg had his little incident. according to ariana they were waiting on joe ( for some reason ) and gregg went from sick, to kind of okay, to even more sick. his body was craving more of something he couldn’t have. ariana wouldn’t even let him out of her sight- he couldn’t shower alone, eat alone, let alone use the bathroom alone. it was exhausting. but what made it worse was that his body was beginning to feel like it was collapsing every hour that passed. gregg was spending his last few hours in bed, not wanting to be bothered at all. his current mood was overly irritated and he couldn’t stop shaking. this was the worst feeling in the world-- craving something he knew he couldn’t have. & his body beating him up for being free of it. “come on.. is this really what we’re gonna do? hold me in this room until what? i have shit to do.”

Ariana: from the moment that ariana stepped foot into gregg’s apartment, she had no idea what the past few hours would’ve entailed. the young starlet completed a huge transition since she first entered, the set of tasks that she had to accomplish took most of her energy hard of her. it was hard enough for her to sleep due to the nightmares, but a deep sleep meant she might’ve missed any plea for help from her husband. ariana was beginning to question joe’s arrival since hours passed without any form of communication, but stalling gregg had been her main concern. “shut up,” she deterred his motives, eliminating any thought of him moving from his own mind, “you did this to yourself, so now you’re going to sit in it. literally. there’s no shot in hell that you’re moving until you’re sober .... completely sober, greggory.” one palm brought itself to her face as she finished speaking, gently rocking herself back and forth. “don’t even think about it.”

Joe: he had friends who did hard drugs. charlie heaton, the most famous one. but joe had spent the entire flight reading up on his heroin withdrawal information, from detox, to what to feed him. he had became a walking, talking addiction counselor in a matter of hours. joe was nervous as fuck but this wasn't about him. gregg's life was at stake, here. reaching gregg's apartment door, he knocked, shifting his weight back and forth as he anxiously awaited an answer.

Ariana: thumbs fiddled with themselves as she sat in silence, continuing to chew on her inner cheek as she surveyed her surroundings. with gregg falling in and out of sleep, there wasn’t much to do other than wonder how she had gotten to this point. not only that, but how she allowed the other male to fall back on drugs opposed to her. she snapped out of her thoughts prior to a couple of knocks, the same knocks that sent her flying across the spacious walls to the door. ariana took a moment to compose herself, moving any strands of hair behind her ears before swinging the door open. “finally,,” she started, a small smile placed itself on her lips, “i honestly thought you were a no-show.” seeing joe was weird, of course, which must’ve been why the smile faded once she remembered why he came. “he’s upstairs, and i’d, uh ... walk on thin ice, honestly. he’s moody, and incredibly sassy.”

Joe: seeing ariana for the first time since everything.... that was intense. if this had been any normal situation, joe would be flubbing up every other word, a flustered mess. instead, he gave her a sad smile of acknowledgement, "come on. you know i couldn't abandon him like this." he took a step inside, setting his duffle bag on the floor, heading into the kitchen to grab a glass of water, for gregg. "that's because he wants to get high," joe replied with dismay, "i---uh, yeah... be up there." and with that, he trudged up the stairs, heart racing. he paused at the door, giving it a gentle knock to let gregg know someone was about to enter. then joe stepped in, door closing behind him. his heart broke at the sight before him, but he somehow remained stoic, "hey there, old buddy."

Gregg: gregg might as well had been twinkling his toes and saying his alphabet with how ariana could freely go downstairs while he sat up here like a nine year old on punishment. he knew what was coming-- a pity party was about to rain in on him in his bedroom. if it wasn’t joe at the door, it was barbara, and he had yet to figure out what was worse. being sober fucking sucked. all he could think about was his parents and all the dumb things he had gotten himself into in the past few months. joe walking in was like a scene out of a movie- no matter how fucked up he was he couldn’t deny that he missed him. “ah! the man of the hour!” the male raised his arms up and showcased a huge smile, his voice clearly sarcastic. but as soon as his arms went past his head he threw his upper body over the bed and vomited into the newly positioned bedside trashcan. his stomach contracting & causing him severe abdominal pain afterwards. “oh fuck me.” he groaned before tossing his head back.

Joe: gregg looked awful. and seeing that.... it really took a toll on joe. as a man who typically became lost in his emotions, he had no choice but to swallow it all and be the STRONG one for once. if he even had it in him. but he wanted to think that he /did/. before he could say anything in reply to gregg's sarcastic remark, he was already vomiting. joe rushed to his side, setting the glass of water on the nightstand. "well---good news is, looks like you're just puking up stomach acid at this point. bad news ? you're dehydrated. but i'm afraid if you drink that water, you're just gonna throw it up again. not good, right ? joe sat on the edge of the bed, tentatively because he didn't know what gregg would do next, "so where's the heroin ? you got anymore ?"

Gregg: there was no way gregg could even see the severity of the situation right now. he was way too deep in his shitty mood and the constant shivering and vomiting wasn’t making it any better. but the worst part of it all was that he wanted to sleep, but the concoction of everything he was going through wouldn’t allow his eyes to close for more than a second. yet, through all of this, he knew joe was his saving grace. “ok.... so... /doc/ do i drink water or do i sit here and fucking off myself.” at this point he was irritated, if they weren’t going to let him get high then this was going to be a shit show. the male placed his hand on joe’s shoulder and sighed. “no. i don’t. or i wouldn’t be dying right now. but look. ariana. she’s a bit of a.. worrisome kind of girl. but you. i can reason with you. tell her i’m fine, let me.. get more of my happy stuff and we can go on about our lives like this never happened.”

Ariana: all ariana could do was sit on the sidelines while they reunited, fully aware that she was main reason as to why they fell off in the first place. the thought of them rekindling their friendship was something she could look forward to, watching how familiar their mannerisms were for each other. “gregg,” she scolded him, arms crossed themselves across her chest, “behave.” she decided it was best to momentarily tune out of their conversation, she owed them that much. besides, it seemed to ariana like joe knew /exactly/ what would cure gregg, ultimately the goal for inviting him into another secret. regardless of gregg’s unpleasant reaction to his arrival, ariana was sure that she owed joe more than she could promise. only if he managed to fix gregg, of course. eyes peered on the their conversation, kind of content with the way things were playing out so far.

Joe: there were some things that joe felt confident with, but risking gregg's life ? it wasn't something he was willing test the odds with. "listen, i---" his gaze shifts between ariana and gregg, knowing full well she was the only rational one here. "okay. so here's what we're going to do. we're going to get a doctor here. make him sign a nondisclosure," he nodded, feeling like this was the best way to ensure gregg got the care he needed, "and buddy, if you let a doctor check you out, he's going to give you something to help you sleep. wouldn't that be nice ? sleep ?"

Gregg: the males brows furrowed in confusion as he shook his head to all the comments that were being made right now. “oh fuck no!” he exclaimed both at ariana telling him to behave and also at joe mentioning a doctor. “you hate me. i’m convinced. is this my karma? look, i watched thirteen reasons why. you can just shove some gatorade down my throat, i’ll curse you out for a bit and we’ll be fine.” rolling his eyes, he couldn’t stand the thought of a doctor. at least not one that was going to be invading his personal space and judging him on his recent decisions. “sleep is cool i guess..” he mumbled, at this point sounding like a teenage boy.

Ariana: “gregg, are you kidding me? this isn’t a fucking television show,” she snapped, genuinely concerned for his well-being. the fact that he would even allude to that in a situation like this told her everything that she needed to know. there was nothing she wished more than to keep gregg’s wishes about a doctor, but if that’s what it took for his recovery then ariana was willing to look past his desires. “exactly, and you’ll waking up feeling like the old gregg again.” she was desperately praying for this to work since it was the only option, any other choice would expose this rendezvous.

Joe: joe scoffed when gregg actually compared what he was going through to a television show. thankfully, ariana spoke for him, quite literally taking the words out of his mouth. "i'm not saying he's going to do anything crazy ! maybe give you an iv, some vitamins, hydrated. jesus, that's going to take a hell of a lot less time than going cold turkey. and--and," he began having to focus his thoughts, "doctors, they can't say shit anyways, right ? that's against the law. no one will even have to know this happened except the three of us."

Gregg: “that didn’t stop-” the male paused, refraining from relating this situation yet again, to a tv show. it took him a moment to really look around and notice his surroundings. ariana wasn’t letting him do what he wanted and putting her foot down for the first time. and out of all people joe was here. he was actually here. someone that gregg loved a lot more than he would admit came to help. so this had to be more serious than what gregg could see. “ok..” he let out a sigh before biting the inside of his lip. “call the damn doctor then.”

Ariana: ariana cocked her head to the side once he started, only to roll her eyes once he stopped himself from speaking. part of her wondered where this desire to be high came from, especially since there were other methods before heroine. cocaine, for instance, seemed to be amongst hollywood’s most elite stars. some fell from the addiction, but thankfully gregg wasn’t a beloved star who was gone before his time. and, to ariana’s surprise, would have joe to thank for gregg’s swayed decisions. “finally,” her arms fell to her sides, “he has some sense. welcome, we’ve missed you.”

Joe: "listen, if it makes you feel any better," he said, looking his best friend in the eye, "i'll be here the whole time. i promise. if you need someone to yell at, talk to, anything. i'm not fucking leaving this room until you're good." with a deep sigh, addressing the fact he truly /wanted/ to be here. he stood up, offering ariana a hesitant smile, flashes of his awkward self appearing as he jabbed his thumb toward the door, "i---um, i'll go make some calls and get someone here."

Gregg: all other factors aside, gregg really appreciated what everyone was doing for him. this wasn’t him, it never was. but he let the things he was going through attack him until he didn’t know what else to go to once alcohol stopped working. but it was finally time to face his fears and he was so blessed to have the two most influential people in his life to help with that. “thank you.” was all he could make out as he nodded at the both of them.

#WOOHOO HAPPY FAMILY #drug tw #( ❛ HEADSPACE. — writings / this time wont you save me )

2 notes · View notes

masterstrange-closed · 4 years

Text

HOW I RUN MY BLOG.

SPEED: My speed can vary greatly depending on a number of factors. I try to keep things moving at a somewhat steady pace, but between a few blogs, offline commitments, and the fact that I have a few mental health issues that impact when I’m crazy focused and when I’m a ghost --- it can be a bit everywhere. I’m usually always around in an OOC capacity --- but more often than not, I collect drafts and then set up a big queue and wash rinse repeat across all my blogs.

REPLIES: I have no issue with longer things, but I need the focus to churn them out --- so sometimes those end up sitting in my drafts longer. I tend to default to a two paragraph/three paragraph default --- I feel when you’re volleying a narrative back and forth that they are the most optimal for keeping things moving while not taking over or just adding things to fill a word count. At the end of the day, I mostly just believe in writing what feels like the right amount for that reply to convey the actions and thoughts of my character. I also have a rule where if it’s been two months, and I have no drive for a reply, I’ll archive it for a bit --- so it’s not sitting there and stressing me out.

STARTERS: I try not to queue starters, but dropping starter calls is something I end up doing every so often because I feel overwhelmed an am running out of starting scenarios (because I don’t want to look repetitive). Unless we have a plotted thing already, I tend to keep starters smaller, to allow for building upon as we go through it.

INBOX: I love memes, but they are usually the last thing I get to. I also have a rule of, unless I am saving it for a reason, if I haven’t started one after a month and don’t have any motivation to --- I’ll probably delete it. Not because of the person, but just because that specific one didn’t connect for some reason. I also encourage people to send multiple ones, I wont promise to answer them all -- but it gives me a chance to have a better likelihood of having something sparking my own creativity.

SELECTIVITY: I have become much more selective over the years; I always try to be welcoming to new mutuals and not sequester myself with old ones --- but having a busy dash is more and more daunting as I get olderTM. I also am now trying to keep my dash clear of “friendly follows” - following a blog for a muse just because I know the mun, if I’m not going to actually engage with that muse in a canon, crossover, or au setting. It’s not personal, but it keeps my dash more focused on things for that muse --- which helps give me a focused headspace when I’m working on that blog.

WISHLIST: I have so many wishlist items, potential AU ideas or plots I want to explore. I’m honestly just very shy about voicing it at times. My tag is a good starting point, but honestly --- just talking to me about potential ideas is so much better. The same applies for ships tbh.

HONEST NOTE: I’m sometimes bad at getting conversation momentum going; I noticed I tend to get self-conscious about my ideas and it makes me go silent. HOWEVER --- I WANT TO TALK TO YOU, and once I get past the awkward part, I literally never shut the fuck up. I do, however, backslide into awkward-how-to-converse if my brain tells me: it’s been too long since you’ve spoken last, you can’t just talk to them now. It’s a vicious cycle that I’m working on improving... but with that said, please feel comfortable approaching me out of the blue. If you’re scared of doing it directly. A meme, a starter call, a plotting call, are all great ways of getting me back in your DMs.

tagged by: @experimcnts

tagging: you.

#/ answered memes.#𝐈'𝐌 𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐌𝐘 𝐎𝐖𝐍 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅-𝐅𝐔𝐋𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐄𝐃 𝐏𝐑𝐎𝐏𝐇𝐄𝐂𝐘 / ooc.

2 notes · View notes

velvetsehun · 5 years

Note

hiiii i've been a follower of yours for quite a while and i absolutely love your writings!!! i hope you don't mind me asking since this question is not related to your blog, but it's my first year of college and now that classes are online because of covid 19, i feel so overwhelmed with my work, like i have so many papers and projects all due in the same week and i feel mentally exhausted and just giving up. i honestly don't know how to deal with this, i was hoping you'd give me some advice? 😭

hello lovely! thank you, im glad you enjoy them, its whats they’re there for ;)

I’d be glad to give you some advice, i understand things are tough right now due to the virus, im obviously a uni student myself rn and i had to work out how to do everything so that i dont cry!

I think the first thing to approaching school is to first of all, take a step back and actually evaluate what it is you have to do - i’ve go 3 essays due the same week as well and the first thing i did was step back, look at the deadlines and then look at the time that i have, its very easy to just see deadlines and think “i have to do all of this right now or it wont get done” which is partly whats overwhelming you! my main factor to planning out work is to put the due day into my google calendar, and then look at the days you have and be realistic with how long it takes to do thing! i’ll write it down in the calendar that way i HAVE to do it. ALSO GIVE YOURSELF AT LEAST A DAY OR TWO BEFORE YOU START!!

It takes me 2-3 days to plan, write and edit an essay (1500-2000 words) and i keep that in mind when i plan, so ill typically dedicate time to each thing i have to do, with a 2-3 day gap in between them! so from today until the 28th, ill be working on an essay, and today specifically ill be making an essay plan and thats all ill do today!

ill plan my essay, breakdown the paragraphs and their contents, find key reading and then ill just leave it for the rest of the day, give your mind some time to process what it is you’re writing, and then tomorrow ill write! i typically do an hour of writing then 45 minute break, and i’ll do a paragraph in an hour! that way im not dedicating 9 hours to just starting at a word doc, im taking breaks inbetween! you’ll stress your mind out just focusing on one thing for hours on end! and after a few hours the essay is written and then ill leave it again!

then on the 28th, ill go in and grammar/word check it, make sure it makes sense and read it over and if i feel like it, ill submit it same day! then after ive done that essay, ill take a 2-3 rest and start something new, that way im not bogging my mind down with everything! it also helps to REFERENCE AS YOU GO PLEASE OMG it makes it so much easier, use a website like citethisforme and you’ll save about an hour!

it get its hard to apply yourself to doing the work in the first place when you’re stuck in the house, but what helps me is getting ready like its a normal day, getting out of pajamas and wearing real people clothes, maybe going for a quick walk outside and then coming back to start your work - that what you’re convincing yourself almost that you’re actually somewhere else and you start to feel a lot less cooped up!

im also someone who cant listen to “loud” music when im writing, so ill literally listen to it on the lowest volume i can still here so that my brain isnt focusing on something else while im trying to write!

here’s an example of what my calendar can look like (i cant show you my actual one since its got personal stuff on it but here’s a good example!):

also! its very important to practice some form of self-care in any break you get! I’m my 45 minute breaks between paragraphs ill make food, ill watch something, maybe write a little, ill talk to someone, ill sometimes just go out into the garden and look around! anything that isnt directly tied to the task im doing so that my break relaxes for a second!

in my longer breaks between days, ill dedicate my time to other things that i have to do or want to do; ill do some yoga, ill write, ill read, ill cook/bake!

Its very easy to just want to give up completely, and i completely understand that, but building a routine can really help you and understanding that you CAN do the work, you ARE capable, and that is IS doable; you just need to breathe and look at things a little differently, your own headspace can become uninhabitable so for a little while take a step out of that, and remember that you are a fully capable human and you have feelings! they can be tricky but once you understand how to manage them it gets better, you arent a bad person for wanting to just give up, you just need a little shove!

I hope this helps! obviously i’m not a professional, i’m just another person, but my own mental health struggles taught me to start doing things another way if i wanted to get better or otherwise im living in a head in which is not meant for living in!

I believe in you okay? and i know fine well that all the virus stuff is making all of us a bit stuck in a rut, we cant cure it but we can show it that we work with it - you’re fully capable and you’re going to do these assignments to the best of your ability!

1 note · View note

coffeeandmoonthoughts · 6 years

Text

free flow thoughts

We’ve all had those people that we care about, but they are stuck and for whatever reason refuse to be saved or begin to save themselves. We might have even been that person at one point in time. We see someone who shows us a solution like they are drawing back a curtain and yet we refuse to walk through the doorway and we aren’t sure why. Or maybe we are the one holding the curtain open and begging someone to follow but their feet remain glued to the floor. I’ve been both of those people. The truth is, only we can take care of ourselves. We will repeat old patterns until we break them ourselves. No one can walk in and do that for you. Maybe I just hold a very ruthless view towards this now, but my view is built upon actually being there where I didn’t want to be. It makes me want to passionately slap sense into everyone who comes to me bleeding from a self inflicted pain, demons or stuck in a pit of quicksand and wont grab onto the life preserver. But the situation requires grace and patience. What do you do when someone believes that they would be better off if they had someone else to manage them. Lead by example and leave it at that. I’m not withholding some magical “get your shit together” potion. Accountability can help, but that shit has to come from within. You usually create it when you find out exactly where your rock bottom is. I’m working now. I’m building and creating. I’m taking big bites into life and trusting that based on what I know I’ve done, I’ll be able to chew and swallow because I know the days ahead of me might be harder. I need to be able to tackle whatever I have to. My capacity has always been bigger than I thought.

When I share my personal dreams and motives sometimes I’m met with people who inform me it’s vanity and ego that drives someone towards accolades and accomplishment. But you aren’t understanding that its not about accolades. Yeah, its all pointless in the very end, but a pointless life isn’t a life at all. I want to give my life meaning. To create it. To help others. To make a living to do what I want. I practice holding myself together, I drown myself in good thoughts that grow me. I find peace in tracking what I do, it gives me a target to aim at. Feeling accomplished is an intrinsic part of human nature. Regardless if that’s in love or work or health or whatever you want to apply it to. YOU create it. I know what happens already when I let myself rot in the mud. I don’t want to ever go back there again. At one point, I let people and circumstances destroy me. I’ve been a pawn, I’ve fed fragile egos, I’ve also been the user, been the ego. I’ve been both the prey and the hunter. Not anymore. When I relay this sometimes it’s like people are hearing it but not listening. You cant force someone to open up their ears when they aren’t ready. They complain, tell me they want something and then go about half assing it. You have to whole-ass it or you didn’t want it badly enough. I get the impression that if you can find obstacles that stop you (to a reasonable extent), then maybe it wasn’t what you truly wanted at all.

I have to actively avoid certain people. I love them but they will literally drag me down to their mediocre level and beat me with experience, as they say. I actively have to practice tuning them out. I take precaution, learn to differentiate between people like that and the ones that shine when they see others shining. People who tear happy, successful people down, do it because they are mad they didn’t get it themselves. They see their potential reflected and are driven by insecure hate. And I’m truly truly sorry, but I cant fix that. I will burn myself to the ground before I apologize for my fire. They expend my energy. They suck it all out, leave me feeling exhausted, depleted and no one wins. I grow to resent when that happens. It tears me apart. Thoreau once said most men live lives of quiet desperation. Although nothing is guaranteed, you can still sort through what is in your control and avoid living in quiet desperation. I don’t judge people like this. I once was exactly where they are. I cant hate on it and I have no right to. Every day I still wake up pissed, fuming, angry at where I once was, and what I lost or what I did. But I don’t choose to stay there. So many things scared me. I lived in a world of fear where I was the prey. I formed bad coping mechanisms, i was blind, i was scared but I never stopped trying until one day it clicked. I was afraid of my potential, i saw both my dark and light, i was afraid of my potential for love, knowing that once i released it it would be stronger than anything I’ve ever felt. I have to live with that now. Learn from it, adapt, feel for those people where I once was, help where I can, draw boundaries and respect the boundaries of others. I cant have people around me that don’t fit into the puzzle of my life anymore. I can only risk so much. I wont lose myself again like that. “I wish I could go back, I fucked it all up”. No. Even if everything was perfect and your dream life was staring you in the face, you still wouldn’t have been in the right headspace until you failed. Im learning how to take inventory and turn it all around. People have to learn how to be their own hope, their own hero. You write your own story and if you don’t like what you’re writing you can reverse it.

What do you do when you see someone’s perspective is all off, but you cant change it? I cant grab someone’s face and flip it for them. Its frustrating, its exhausting. You are your own hero. Start living your life that way. I don’t have super powers and any average human who you bestow that kind of power on, you are doing them a disservice. The fact is as long as you are trying you are on the right track. So you failed? Okay well now you know where your breaking point is. Now you know exactly where that lays. So now you can apply that knowledge to your future. Abandonment sucks. I’ve dealt with abandonment since I was very young and then repeated it my entire young life. This isn’t a contest of who’s more fucked up, but I’m trying to explain that most people are stronger than what they have gone through. I feel so much compassion now, so much understanding but I am only just a human who can do so much. I want to lift the world’s sprits, but I cant if I’m getting dragged into quick sand faster than I can climb out.

#personal #stuck in my drafts

1 note · View note

blacktithe7 · 7 years

Text

Fanfiction Writer Appreciate Day!

Writing is hard work. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It is something that is often undervalued, especially in the fanfiction community. So I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you for all that you do. Thank you for the sleepless nights, the constant worry that nobody will like it, and the dealing with the hateful anons who demand more without offering anything in return.

Below are just a few of the talented authors and stories that made me laugh and smile over the last year. I decided to keep it at 10 writers and only do series, no oneshots. If I did a full list we’d be here all day. Hope you will give them all a read. And to the authors, thank you for all that you do.

1. Strawberry Wine @thing-you-do-with-that-thing Kari is my editor and largest supporter. She is one of the reasons I’m still writing weither she knows it or not. Her stories are always amazing. This one is no exception. I love a good AU, and this one is just perfect

No Regrets @thing-you-do-with-that-thing Helping plot and beta some of this was some of the most fun I’ve had all year. This story actually made me start thinking differently about my won writing. It’s a rare author that can do that.

Killzone @thing-you-do-with-that-thing Last one for Kari. I promise. I just couldn’t highlight my faves for the year without throwing this ongoing masterpiece. I am going to be one of the first in line to buy this book when she gets it converted. There is so much tension. I have been on the edge of my seat from page one. It has gripped me and wont’ let go.

2. Crack Under Pressure @mysupernaturalfics I love Rach like a little sister. She managed to combine two of my favorite things , college football and Jensen Ackles. There is some serious emotion in this, and it was fun being a sports consultant for it. Won’t lie.

3. Summer Fling @supernatural-jackles This story is like a freaking master’s class in character development. Seriously. The characters are so real, and so detailed that you can feel them growing and changing throughout the course of the story. And it’s a fantastic story! I for one am looking forward to the twists, turns, and heartbreak this story can bring.

4. I Know Your Wife (She Wouldn’t Mind) @teamfreewill-imagine I started this series expecting some seriously hot smut. Which I got. What I wasn’t expecting was the epic story exploring love, family, and relationships. It can actually make you reevaluate what you think about these topics. Such a wonderful story.

5. Love Triumphs @katymacsupernatural Age gap stories aren’t usually my thing. I hardly ever read them, but this author’s other work convinced me to give this one a chance. I’m glad I did. It focuses on real relationship issues. It handles them in a way that makes me forget why I typically don’t read these in the first place. That’s just how good it is.

Undeniable Heat @katymacsupernatural I can’t mention Katy and not bring this series up. Y’all, I am dying for a new chapter the second I finish reading the previous one. You feel for the characters. You root for them You hate the bad guy. OMG do you hate the bad guy. It is everything you want in a series. It’s freaking life!

6. Friends After All @angelkurenai If I ever develope half the writing skill this girl has, I’ll be happy. This story is so much more than the usual “friends becoming lovers” story. It takes that concept and dials it up to 11. You are all it it with your main pairing and then WHAM! Someone has to screw it up and we end up with a love triangle, no square, no triangle. NO. I don’t know! This story grabs you by the feels and refuses to let go.

Picture Perfect @angelkurenai All hail the queen of the love triangle. I went into this ongoing story knowing It was going to hurt, and I did it anyway. I am salavating for more. Craving it. Needing it to survive. I can’t choose who I want. As soon as I am sure I want Dean, something happens that makes me think “but... Sammy”. It is beyond good. It’s absolutely wonderful.

7. Political Animals @winchesterprincessbride A/B/O is one of my guilty pleasures, and this is one of my favorite series that I have read so far. There are so many layers to this story. The only way I know to label it is a political thriller, and that doesn’t even begin to cut it.

Poor Little Rich Girl @winchesterprincessbride I don’t know why this particular AU has me so entranced, but it does. Sam is a freaking dream in thsi on. AND THAT’S COMING FROM A DEAN GIRL! It’s like The Godfather with kink. Got to love it.

8. Tic Tac Toe @percywinchester27 Ana is my girl. She does not get nearly the level of love she deserves. Anyone who can take such a simple idea as playing a game of tic tac toe with a stranger and turning it into an amazing love story with hidden identities and crazy drama is a master of a storyteller.

Stroke of Luck @percywinchester27 This ongoing story is a must read. I find myself cheering and gasping in equal turns every time I read it.The amount of planning alone this story takes... bravo!

9. I’m Falling Apart @winchesters-favorite-girl This series is so spot on that I was actually worried about Katie for a while. She captures the headspace to a tee. As someone who has spent a far amount of time in it, this series actually helped me deal with parts of it and pulled me back from an edge that I was working my way towards. Not many can do that with just the written word.

10. The Arrangement @ravengirl94 This AU is on my top ten fav fics of all time. I actually have the link saved in a doc so I can go back and read it whenever I want, and I do. The emotional journey and character growth in this is something I can only ever dream of writing. Everyone has to read this. I’m not even joking. Do it.

#fanfic writer appreciation day #share the love #recommended #just a few of many #thank you #you are all awesome #sorry i couldn't list everyone #writers are people to #fanfic is real writing #fanfiction writers appreciation day

61 notes · View notes

hiro-gari · 3 years

Text

AAAA THANK YOU I'm so glad that you like the short dialogues and my potrayal for them!! Been trying to make Garou and Badd sounds IC enough because I tend to write them too OOC so I'm very happy that you thought it's good aaaah tysm 😭🙏💗💘💕

And yess same! 😆🙌 Ambiguous open ending sounds more interesting, because that way we can have unlimited possible endings as many as possible 👀✨

So what I've got in my mind about that Garou&Badd's dialogue endings are basically like these:

-Silly dumb route: I had older headcanon that they likes to chat random topics that often escalated into debate or making some stupid conspiracy theories ALL. NIGHT. LONG, lmao! Usually it was Garou who spout some random nonsenses first that Badd couldn't help but giving him responses, but occasionally Badd also suddenly bringing up some intriguing topics that pulling Garou's interest, lol! Let them being dumbass boyfriends who just likes to share silly interests with eachother 😆

-Heartwarming happy route: Y'know Badd is secretly a hopeless romantic who loves lovely idea of having soulmates that always find eachother no matter what? He was thinking that despite his first meeting moment with Garou wasn't perfect like what he imagined before (being enemies and not so lovey-dovey), but he loves Garou so much and sure that the wolfboy is his fated soulmate. And he wanted to know if Garou shared the same thought as him.. In which Garou reciprocated him, hence the sweet promise between them 😚

-Hurt/comfort route: I mentioned before that Badd's mom was the one who tell him about the soulmate concept, right? Badd missed his mom that night that's why he brings up the topic to Garou. He wasn't sure if soulmates are real or not. If the concept is real, he wanted to make sure Garou wont forget him in the next life. But ithe concept isn't real, he still wanted to be with Garou forever, spending time and living their life as best as they could.. :"") And Garou was here to comfort Badd and tried to get him sleeping soon, because they must go to work in the morning lol! 😂

-Angsty/sad route: This is actually the original ending before I scrapped off because I wasn't satisfied by it, lol. The dialogue was made when I was in my not-so-good days, and it was supposed to have one more line in the ending of their dialogues, something like "On the next morning, the rescue team found Garou and Badd died on eachother's arms" 😢💔

So the backstory, they both just finished their mission together, Badd was unfortunately fatally wounded before Garou could shielded him and he went berserk. Then to accompany Badd's last moment, Garou craddled him in his arms while exchanging convos just like they usually do when sleeping together. As Badd went to eternal sleep, Garou lost his will to live and died together with him. Hopefully Badd's story is true so they could meet eachother again. It was winter and the location was kinda difficult to reach, so the rescue team were too late to save them.

I scrapped off this idea because beside it was too sad, the plot was basically just like my Reincarnated Demon/Angel AU where Badd died, Garou went berserk and died too, before both get reincarnated as demon/angel (enemies again). Thus I decided to make it open ending with happier-leaning possibilities like on above examples 😅

BUT! After I read your interpretation in your tags: #so the second time I read it I thought maybe Badd has memories from a past life?? #possibly multiple liftetimes :’) #and every time garou forgets #but of course they find each other again #and badd tries to make sure he remembers this time around 😭

YASS THIS IS IT! Your idea is BRILLIANT, I personally love this way!! 👀😳👌💖🌟✨ Y'know I usually write stories where they both still can obtaining happy ending together despite experiencing angsty stuff throughout the story. And your interpretation is perfect for that situation! 😚👍

Tbh it reminds me of Madoka Magica story, where one of the protags has a controlling-time magic power which allowed her to go back in the past, just so she could save her bestfriend (or love interest). Even they have shared a promise that they wont forget eachother no matter what, which unfortunately the protags' bestfriend forget her everytime they meet again in different timelines. The anime looked so cute but actually very depressing (has nice OST and heart-touching sweet ending, though!).

But I believe despite being reborn, meeting again, then separated again by death, Garou and Badd still have the best happy life in each lifetimes! And even though Garou always ended up forgets about their past life, he never fails to find Badd just like what they have promised before, aww.. 😍😚💕 It gives Badd hopes that at least in the deepest Garou's mind, he never actually forgets their vow. It's like, the vow has already stamped on Garou's soul :"")💕

So in the end, Garou and Badd will always find happiness in their perfectly-imperfect life together as destined soulmates. They deserved happy ending throughout the whole hardship 👍💖💝

Waah sorry I was rambling too much again! I love it when discussing something with people, and your amazing takes or headcanons always make me go "OH YEAH I'M IN! 👀😳✨👏👏".

And I'm so sorry that you've been in bad day, gotta sending you support hugs, love, cozy blanket and hot cocoa on your way! I hope everything will getting much better soon for you~ 😤😚💕💞💖💝🌸🌺🌼🍀🍀🍀🍀🌻🌻🌻🌻🌷🌷💐☕🍪🍫

Also don't worry it's okay you can write whenever you feel like it, because your well-being is the most important thing. Please take your time as much as you need! 😉👍💖 We will still waiting patiently for your next works, so please don't give up, we believe in you! AAA I LOVE YOU TOO~ 😘❤💜💙💚💛🌼🌻🌼🌹🌹

P.S.: I will be right back on bringing my other silly headcanons that definitely much more happier than this one, 100% angst-free guaranteed (100% dumbassery guaranteed, though, lmao)! 😁😆 Maybe I will submit it to you on next week, hopefully it could liften up your spirit 😊🌸

-Little1993lamb-

----------------------------

Omg of course!! Gotta leave you some Reviews™️ too, even though you’re the master of them 😉 Sorry I sometimes struggle with articulating specifically what I love about your submissions and there’s always a whole lotta keyboard smashing :”)

LMFAO @ the thought of them staying up all night talking about completely nonsensical things just because 😂😂 (or maybe it’s not nonsensical, the OPM verse do be kinda crazy sometimes 🤷🏻‍♀️) But neither of them seem to have many friends their own age, so they’ve probably got years of socializing to catch up on, some fantastical stuff’s bound to be brought up

I love all the different routes this could take: lovey dovey Badd yes!! It’s canon as far as I’m concerned 💕 this guy bought like 100+ roses for his sister’s piano recital, I refuse to believe he’s not absolutely full of love! And for the hurt/comfort one asjdkslsk *clutches chest* Badd probably struggles with just coming out and saying he’s missing his mom, but surely Garou’s realized by now how important family is to Badd, and he knows to give him all his love and comfort whenever he mentions her awww 🥺

Ack I definitely feel ya on the angst 💔 I too have a lot of scrapped angsty fics T~T in a weird way, it’s therapeutic though. And definitely don’t hesitate to post or publish it, because making readers Feel Things is what we do 😉 Even if it makes them mad at us 😭😭 Maaan I kinda thought that’s what you were angling towards, but now with the additional background story I’m- *holding back the tears* hnnnnnnn~ It’s bittersweet, but beautiful nonetheless 💕

AHH yey I’m so glad you liked my little interpretation 🙈💕 I imagine Badd just running into Garou again, getting attacked like he does every time, and being like “ah shit, here we go again, he’s clueless as ever” 🤦🏻‍♀️ But also he’s kind of excited to meet him all over again, and to see what kind of adventurous mischief they’re going to experience together 💖

I’m looking up Madoka Magica rn 👀 it looks excellent 👌 (I mean, you had me at “nice OST”) Ahhhhhh early 2010’s anime just hits differently, I’m definitely gonna check it out, thank you!

Thank you for always supporting me 😘💕💖 *lots of hugs to you* I’m just in a funky kinda headspace, work’s been kind of kicking my ass and it makes me sad that I don’t have the time or energy to do the things I wanna do waaa 😩 Thank you for always being patient with me 🥺💗💞💝 I’m so looking forward to reading more of your work (YAAAAS FLUFF TIME!!!), you do these lovable dorks so much justice, thank you for all that you do 😚🥰

#you always brighten my day anon :’)#dw abt rambling I do that all the time too lmfao #i could discuss things with u all day long 💕#hope u have a great day!! talk soon 😁#submission #opm

0 notes