tgwlandscaping

[vaguenotions]

Oh, yes, I just love your unannounced sleepover where you both come back from the bar after carefully avoiding telling me that's where you were going, and also neglecting to tell me when you'd be home! I definitely do not want to knock you on your ass and take a bat to your dome! That would be rude and unnecessary :)

Oh yes, please do start talking about shit amongst yourselves and make me feel isolated and othered in ny own room! These moments are what I live for, of course. Naturally. Who would ever have any issues with this arrangement at all?

[imaginativecrime]

7 reasons The Witcher series is a mess (or damn I need to vent)

Unpopular opinion time! For the record, I’ve read the books, played the games, hell, I’ve binged the Polish movie and series (because my love for Michal Zebrowski and Zbigniew Zamachowski is undying, sue me), and I was super hyped. Then I spent the entire series yelling at the TV, so I made a handy numbered list of the reasons why I personally consider it mediocre at best.

Because I’m fucking disappointed and I’ll never not be bitter about it. Fact.

Be warned, there are all sorts of spoilers below.

Let’s look at some of the issues that affected the show as a whole:

1) Adaptation is hard work - but you have to do it right

Adapting a story from one medium to another is difficult, you inevitably have to change things to make it suitable to the new form of expression and also, everybody wants their adaptation to be unique, to emphasize points they think are important, to reflect on the current times, you name it. But changes in an adaptation should make sense and lend themselves to the storytelling.

Many changes in the series were arbitrary, nonsensical and contributed absolutely nothing. One such example is the Battle of Sodden Hill, a terribly executed “siege” with not enough extras to fill a classroom instead of a battle of 100 000 people. Writing out Redania, Aedirn and the Brotherhood of Sorcerers from the conflict doesn’t seem to have a point to it, while the delayed arrival of the armies of Temeria and Kaedwen is both unexplained, unlikely and underwhelming, not to mention that it completely undermines the Nilfgaardian threat as a whole. This, of course, is just the tip of the iceberg of all the things that are wrong with Sodden Hill in the series. 

Or take Foltest and his affair with Adda. It is perfectly clear in the books that after seven years of wizards, witchers and all manner of frauds coming and going while Foltest is obsessed with breaking the curse instead of killing his daughter, even the very last blind and deaf peasant knows about his shenanigans. It’s only logical, too. The story is relayed to Geralt in no uncertain terms at the very beginning. Now in the show the whole episode is too short to set up a murder mystery that requires Geralt’s incredible detective skills (uhuh) to unravel. What is worse is that you cannot make a big reveal of something that your audience actually has previous knowledge about. So why even bother to have Foltest deny it and have Geralt beat it out of Ostrit? 

Which brings us to point two:

2) We all know which way to Temeria, don’t we?

Even if you have popular source material, you cannot expect everyone to know it. An adaptation has to consider people who are just getting their first introduction to the sandbox. When your lore is as rich as that of the Witcher, you need time and careful effort to set up your world. The show made a total shit job of this one. As in the above example, sometimes the show ignores that we, as an audience, know things. 

Another example is Vilgefortz. We know him, his plans, abilities and allegiances, we have very specific expectations of his character. Besides completely failing these expectations (and doing a very unconvincing early reveal of his true colors), the show goes as far as taking Vilgefortz’s iconic sentence (You mistake stars reflected in a pond for the night sky.) and putting it in Fringilla’s mouth. Like did they actually think we wouldn’t notice? Or not be pissed?

At other times the show expects us to fill in its glaring blanks exactly by knowing our lore and characters. One obvious, overarching example of this is the issue of the separate timelines, that sometimes left even fans a little confused. Also, fun fact: one of my friends (who has no idea about anything in the Witcher’s world) for instance needed some time to realize Pavetta wasn’t, in fact, a grown-up Ciri, and he remains to this day very confused about Blaviken.

Basically, we are on a swing here, which is actually made even worse by another thing: bad pacing.

3) Hold your Roach for a moment

The first season wants to cram too much into its limited time and it has a severe negative impact on worldbuilding and character development. By bringing in all three timelines from the beginning, the show has to juggle time allotted to each. 

To be frank, Ciri’s timeline at this point consists of a lot of running and screaming, which in itself hardly merits all the time we spend with her. It could have been utilized in part to provide us with a view of the war from ‘below’, to show that beyond the high politics and heroic battles there are burned villages, dead peasants, people who lost everything, cripples, deserters, ruined fields, and so on. Instead, we get one refugee camp of neat tents, actual beds, food and complaints about Calanthe (though not of dead husbands, lost homes or winter). Though I guess it should come as no surprise that the shock value of paint being made from a woman’s reproductory organs (that never happened in the books) is more important than actual large scale human suffering.

Now giving Yennefer an extended back story is great. But by that level of extension once again time is being consumed that is taking other opportunities away. Opportunities like giving Geralt himself a bit more background, clarifying points for fresh faces in the audience, giving characters more time for meaningful interaction. Because there is not enough time to let the story breathe and progress naturally, episodes are often rushed, choppy, and shallow. 

4) Reverse worldbuilding, aka welcome to nowhere 

Another serious issue with worldbuilding is what I suspect to be a deliberate departure from the game visuals and aesthetic. One of the things I adore most about the games is that it built heavily on Eastern European history and folk tradition. Nothing compares to the feeling when you ride into a village and you feel right at home because things are inherently familiar, or you go out into the woods and hear the exact bird song you are used to.

Netflix is very careful not to even offer a whiff of this particular identity to its show, but it doesn’t seem to have a clear artistic vision beyond that. Thus while landscapes are nice enough, other settings such as cities, taverns, ballrooms and the like are horribly bland in that “this is how we imagine the middle ages in Hollywood” way and look exactly what they are: sets. While one is not likely to quickly forget the red rooftops of Novigrad or the wild beauty of the Kaer Morhen pass from the games, there is nothing memorable about the locations presented in the series. (Even more bewildering is the depiction of the elite boarding school of Aretuza as a creepy dungeon with elf skulls everywhere. I cannot even begin to address this one unless it is all in caps.) 

Point being that the show lacks an actual visual identity that would distinguish it from any other dime a dozen medieval fantasy.

5) My kingdom for a decent wardrobe

Sadly enough, the bland and flavorless visuals have a terrible effect on something else: clothes and armor. While some costumes are well done, there are way too many examples of the opposite. One very obviously is Nilfgaardian armor, which looks like fossilized trash bags with sad dick helmets. The fact that armor in the show is treated as the equivalent of cardboard is doing no one any favors. Please do your homework next time. Please?

Another inexplicable departure from the books and games is the appearance of the nobility, and most jarringly, sorceresses. That dress Yennefer picks out the first time? It’s literally the drabbest, ugliest thing I’ve ever seen, and the others are not much better. When it comes to period-accurate choices, the range is just so wide: we are talking cambric, velvet, silk, cloth of gold and silver. We are talking luxurious furs, embroidery, colorful feathers, bright dyes, coats of arms and jewelry. Brooches, necklaces, bracelets, rings, hat badges, belt buckles, hairpins, you name it. People wore their wealth. Making them look like sad orphans will not make them look any more medieval.

Peasant clothes also had their decorations, though to a lesser degree than nobles, obviously. But I guess it’s too much to hope that those would get any attention when queens are dressed like they lost a bet.

6) I see your people and I raise you mine

Including people of color in the casting choices caused a lot of heated debate amongst the fans, but at least it means that the show cares about minority representation, right? Right?

The world of the Witcher has its own minorities, and what we have seen of them so far is so incredibly pathetic that I haven’t the words. For one thing, they look so terrible that elves in the Polish series actually look better, and that was so not a high bar to exceed. To make matters worse, they again seem to lack any sort of distinguishing visual identity (except for the Dryads. I’m also willing to make an exception for Chireadan, as he actually looks right and he’s a settled elf.)

Sadly, unlike the games, the series also fails to establish even the beginnings of a compelling narrative for its minorities, which definitely needs to be in place by the time Thanedd happens at the very latest. What is more, we seem to be given something called the Great Cleansing, which is plenty obscure but comes across as a Night of Broken Glass sort of thing (though that could be just me). While still salvageable at this point, this shift in narrative is cause for some concern, and so far doesn’t make much sense.

7) Your villains are not my villains

Unlike the books and games, the Witcher series sadly doesn’t seem to excel at presenting opposing sides without the need to vilify one (which again, makes me worried about what they are going to do to the Scoia’tael later). 

Nilfgaard is now an Empire of Evil (TM) that lives for killing and religious fanaticism, Fringilla is a psychopath, and Cahir... Well, Cahir is a thousand shades of wrong all on his own. Stregobor and Istredd are now assholes of a whole different caliber, and even poor Eyck of Denesle gets to enjoy his five minutes of fame as a madman frothing at the mouth instead of a paragon of knightly virtue.

This is going so well.

[frenchibi]

(For the fictional kiss prompts) 3 iwaoi!!!!

Heyy girl!!! Drunk/Sloppy iwaoi kiss coming your way, thank you for the prompt (even if it’s been. Quite a while. I AM TERRIBLE but I hope you like this!!!!)

I wrecked my sleep cycle for this but I had to get it done so ENJOY the fruits of my labor lmfao

–

When Hajime kisses him, it’s always infuriatingly gentle.

Honestly, most of the time, Tooru thrives on it. There’s something immensely satisfying about being the only one who gets to truly experience this side of him, the only one who gets the soft touches and loving words whispered underneath the sheets when the world is dark and cold around them. It’s like a gift, something precious that’s his. Hajime has always, always made Tooru feel special - and this is only one of many reasons for it.

The thing is just… sometimes Tooru doesn’t want gentle.

Sometimes Tooru wants to be shoved up against a wall and taken apart. Sometimes he wants the scratch and bite and the thrill of not being in control.

It’s amazing, being treated like he’s the most valuable thing Hajime has ever held in his hands, like he’s a treasure, sacred, worshipped. But sometimes he wants to be broken.

It just seems Hajime is reluctant to indulge this particular need. So… measures have to be taken. Obviously.

These measures have included all manner of hints that seem to go over Hajime’s head - deliberately or unintentionally, it doesn’t really matter. So Tooru figures it’s time to give fate a little push in the right direction.

Which is why they’re currently at a bar. Under the premise of testing cocktails - for science. No, really - Kuroo has a blog. It’s all above board.

Except Tooru is counting on the fact that Hajime will underestimate froofy pink drinks and maybe let his guard down a little more. Maybe. Hopefully.

So far, it’s not going according to plan. Kuroo and Bokuto are having way too much fun, but Tooru is tense and watching Hajime way too closely - and Hajime himself is definitely aware that something is up. He keeps glancing over at Tooru and raising his eyebrows in unanswered questions, and he’s not drinking half as much as Tooru had hoped. Well, shit.

-

In the end, they bicker all the way home. In itself that’s not so strange - they argue a lot, but they always find a way to resolve matters. This time, though? It’s not like Tooru can tell him why he’s pissed. He’s failed, once again, and now Hajime won’t get off his back.

He’s the first one to enter their shared apartment, and he stomps through to the living room with little regard for where he tosses his shoes and jacket. Of course, Hajime is the one to stop and pick them up. Obviously. And he’s also the one trying to compromise.

“Why are you in such a bad mood? Hey! It was your idea to go out with them today!”

He ignores him, stalking over to the window to stand there with his arms crossed and stare angrily into the darkness. Great.

“Tooru. Hey.”

Tooru doesn’t turn around - he’s not ready to give in this easily. He sets his shoulders, and clenches his arms a little tighter.

“…what’s this really about?”

He exhales, a little more harshly than intended.

“…this is a bit of a problem,” Hajime says. Tooru can hear him sitting down on the couch behind him, but still refuses to turn. “Because if you don’t tell me what’s bothering you, how am I supposed to help fix it? You can’t expect me to read your mind - that’s not fair. I want this to work, I really do! But you’ve gotta talk to me, man.”

“…fine,” Tooru mumbles. What the hell. He’s not really getting out of this, is he? “But you can’t laugh.”

Hajime pauses, and Tooru can picture his eyebrows arching. “…why would I laugh? If it’s something that’s bothering you-”

“Because it’s stupid. Okay? It’s stupid.”

The energy is leaving him, and he’s tired of pouting. He concedes, turning to face his boyfriend and relaxing his posture.

Hajime’s expression is more concerned and less confused than Tooru pictured it - but he wastes no time at all to reach out to him and beckon him closer. Stupid, considerate, perfect Hajime. Tooru gives in, (naturally,) and sits down on the couch beside him.

“I guess… I was trying… I was hoping to get you a little more… relaxed.”

“…for what?” Hajime asks - opting for the problem-solving route rather than getting angry at the implication that he has no chill. Always the bigger man, god damn.

“Well… because… ugh.”

Tooru runs his hands over his face - he’s definitely not as sober as he thought he was, either. Damn cocktails.

“How do I… uh. Okay. Look. You’re… whenever you… when you kiss me, you’re always… I dunno, careful? And I love that, I do, it’s just… sometimes… sometimes I wish you’d… I don’t know. Mess up my hair and shove me against a wall or something.”

The last sentence is rushed out to avoid backtracking, and he can’t seem to look at Hajime as he says it, instead focusing on his hands in his lap.

There’s a moment of silence - and then Hajime snorts.

Affronted, Tooru’s head snaps up. “Hey! You said you wouldn’t laugh-”

But Hajime is already one step ahead. He surges forward, grabbing Tooru roughly (very roughly) by the collar and crashing their lips together. It’s hard and bruising and perfect, and Tooru forgets how to breathe.

They break apart, and Hajime doesn’t hesitate for a single second - he shoves against Tooru’s chest, pushing him back into the cushions of their couch and following after, until he’s literally in Tooru’s lap.

“Haji-”

“Shut up,” Hajime all but growls, and if Tooru wasn’t fully aroused before, he definitely is now. He eagerly reciprocates Hajime’s kiss with a groan that’s surely too loud, and he can’t help how his entire body seems to buck upwards, chasing the sensation.

Hajime pulls them apart by grabbing a fist full of Tooru’s hair (holy fuck) and tugging, and Tooru almost moans, because damn.

“You dumb fucker,” Hajime says, eyes searching Tooru’s face, but with an expression of immense satisfaction on his face. “You wanted this so badly, why didn’t you say something? I thought I wasn’t allowed to mess with the hair.”

“Unfff,” Tooru gasps - immensely articulate.

“…but you just really wanna be pushed around, huh? You like that?”

“Iwa-”

“How about this. You don’t talk - unless I specifically ask you a question. You got that?”

Tooru nods, his back already arching with the need to be closer, to feel this, to be pushed and shoved and loved.

Hajime lets out an amused breath. “This is the opposite of a problem. Damn, Tooru, how long have you been thinking about this?”

It’s not an actual question - that much is clear, because right after he says it, Hajime captures Tooru’s mouth in another searing kiss. Even if it was a question, Tooru has no words to answer it - he keens under Hajime’s touches, and it’s all he can do to gasp for air between kisses.

“…I bet you,” Hajime breathes, “I can hold you up against the wall and make you come without your feet touching the ground.”

Tooru can only groan - the thought alone has him dangerously close to spilling in his pants. This might actually be more than he can handle.

“Or-” Hajime pulls away, just enough to make Tooru’s struggling futile - “maybe I’ll just ride you. Think you’d like that?”

Tooru gasps, helpless, hopeless, and Hajime responds with a breathless laugh.

“If I’d known it was this easy to shut you up, I’d have done it way sooner.”

Tooru whines, and stammers something along the lines of “you’re unfair” before Hajime relents, bringing their lips back together. This kiss is sloppy and hurried and perfect, and it leaves both of them winded and breathing heavily.

“…fuck,” Tooru manages, and Hajime laughs.

“…so you wanted to get me drunk?”

Tooru groans, embarrassment seeping in.

“It didn’t seem as stupid as it sounds!”

“Things rarely do. But - and I thought this was clear - you could really have just asked me to be… rougher.” He pushes himself back as he speaks, allowing Tooru a little room to sit up again.

“Not- it’s not the only thing I want!”

Hajime raises his eyebrows, and Tooru hears how it sounds right after he’s said it.

“Ah - I didn’t mean- stop laughing! I just - I like it when you’re soft! Just… sometimes I need you to…”

“To wreck you?” He’s still smirking, eyes glinting with mirth - and he hasn’t let go of Tooru’s arm.

“M-maybe.”

“That’s a definite yes. God, you’re such a princess sometimes.”

“What? No I’m not!”

Hajime rolls his eyes. “You totally are, your majesty. Now c’mon - we should take this to the bedroom, where I don’t have to worry about hurting your dainty little back.”

Tooru groans. “I knew you were gonna make fun of me, I knew it!”

“Obviously. But I’m also gonna blow your mind, princess. Trust me, you’re not ready for this.”

He’s not wrong - Tooru’s legs feel like jelly as he lets Hajime pull him to his feet. But maybe that’s the best part.

“Bring it on.”

—-

THANK YOU FOR READING IF YOU GOT THIS FAR I LOVE YOU

Also pls consider reblogging to help me spread my fics? No use if I post them and no one sees :’) Find this (and me) on ao3 here!