#(although let's be honest his full cycle was continuous bad writing)

[quietparanoiac]

"Mel. There are still reasonable people uptrain."

[unsaidholland]

carbonara | s. holland

“I promise.” prompt #26 in @t-holland2080​ ‘s writing challenge :)

this was so fun to write and participate in!!

warnings: none !

liam was the greatest boyfriend you could have ever asked for, that is until he completely ghosted you, deleted everything that you were in or had to do with you off his social media, and became active on tinder again. there were no words exchanged to insinuate the breakup, it just happened. 

you were left with so many questions and not enough answers. why would he leave me? what did i do wrong? the sad part is, not once did you ask how you could get him back. he was gone and you knew it, but he left his sweaters, he had left behind every single thing that would have reminded you of him. none of your friends knew why, and if they did they didn’t tell you. his friends hadn’t answered any of your texts. just like liam, they all had ghosted you.

maybe it was easier for you to pretend like he had never happened, but you were still processing everything. you couldn’t just forget him while you were figuring out what was happening. 

after a week of staying at home sulking, sam decided that enough was enough. he came by your apartment and told you to get ready because you were going to spend the day at his house. as much as you tried to refuse, he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. he was ready to give up anything and everything to make you feel better. he was your best friend, and he took it upon himself to take care of you even if you couldn’t take care of yourself. 

you laid under the covers, on your side in full fetal position, in silence. you didn’t even realize your mom had let sam in, and that he was standing in your doorway until you heard a camera shutter. you sat up and looked over at the doorway to see sam standing there with his phone out. predicting what he was going to make you do, you laid back down onto your bed and pulled the duvet up over your head, earning a small chuckle from sam. 

“come on y/n, it’s been a week and you haven’t even left your house.” all sam was doing was stating facts. you didn’t need to hear this from one more person. you were heartbroken, but anyone would be able to tell. 

“go away sam,” you sighed out. you didn’t wanna go anywhere, and you were not planning on going anywhere, but then sam gave you an offer too good to turn down. 

“if you get out of bed and come over, i’ll make you all the carbonara you want.” how could you turn that down? he was willing to make you unhealthy, copious amounts of your favourite food. never mind the fact that it wasn’t healthy to only have carbs, it was the only thing that made you voluntarily get out of bed, put on a different change of clothes and get out of the house. 

soon enough you found yourself sitting on sam’s couch. the house was empty, his mom was out on a shoot, his dad was out having a meeting, and paddy was at school. tessa sat beside you as you were curled up under a blanket despite the sweater and sweatpants you were wearing. 

sam came back to the couch from the kitchen with two bowls of carbonara, one for him and one for you. murder on the orient express was playing on his tv as the two of you began to eat. neither of you were actually paying attention to the film playing on the tv. sam was waiting for you to open up, while your mind continued to race, thinking of all the possible answers to your questions. 

you took a bite of the pasta and closed your eyes as you relished the dish. sam always made the best food, especially since he started taking cooking seriously and chose to major in it in university. although you were always honest with him with his food, you always loved everything he made. you swore that he had to be your wedding caterer if possible. 

“sam, why did he leave me?” you asked, turning to face him. the bowl of carbonara sat in your lap, half-finished as the movie played in the background unnoticed. 

sam let out a sigh and ran his hands through his hair. “honestly y/n/n, he’s an idiot for leaving you. i don’t know why he did it, but,” sam paused, wanting to choose his words wisely, ”you’ll find someone better.” did sam have feelings for you? he didn’t know. he knew he would do anything for you, but that’s just what friends do, right?

“i’m sorry, this is stupid.” immediately you felt bad. sam was trying to cheer you up, but instead, your mind kept pulling yourself back into a constant cycle of overthinking. “i shouldn’t be thinking about him right now, not when you’re right next to me.” 

your words rang in his head. not when you’re right next to me. what did that even mean? “you’re allowed to be upset y/n, you just shouldn’t have to be alone. i’m here for you, always,” he said, voice getting quiet towards the end of the sentence. he was always there for you, you knew that and so did he, but he wanted to be there for you forever. he wanted you to stop crying over these guys who don’t know how to treat you properly, he wanted you to find the perfect guy just so you could be happy, he didn’t even realize it, but he wanted to be the one to make you happy. 

before he could even think, sam said, “every single time you want carbonara, i’ll make it for you. if you’re heartbroken, if it’s three am, if it’s the middle of the day, it won’t matter. i’ll make it for you.” he had put his bowl down on the coffee table, tessa being good and not eating it. he took your hands in his, looked into your eyes and said, “i promise.”

“don’t make a promise you can’t keep sam,” you said lightheartedly. did you want to take him up on this offer, yeah, of course you did, but you also learned from all the breakups you’ve been through that promises were made to be broken. that’s just the way the world worked, and unfortunately, you’ve fallen into its trap one too many times. 

“i swear to you, i’ll make you carbonara anytime.” his brown eyes shone with determination, determination that wasn’t hidden to you, determination that you picked up on immediately. unfortunately for you, sam was quite stubborn and set in his ways, and he knew he was going to make you give in. 

“i’m holding you to that samuel.” you turned back to the screen, not knowing where the characters were in the plot. your brain was focused on how he was willing to give himself to you through carbonara anytime you asked. 

•••

it had been five years since sam got you out of bed by making carbonara. a few months after that day, he finally realized his feelings for you. now, after dating for a year and ten months, everything stayed perfect. he went from your best friend to your boyfriend, to hopefully your future husband. 

he had a whole plan. he even asked your parents for permission to propose, not that he needed to, but because he wanted them involved in this process. both of your families had decided to go on a christmas/new years vacation together. before you knew it, you found yourself in bali with your family and your boyfriend’s family.

sam was riddled with nerves as you all went to the beach that day. the only person who knew about his plan out of all the hollands was harry, but to be fair, how could he hide anything from the person who has been with him before even being born?

“are you ready?” harry asked him, though he knew the answer. sam was never going to be ready, but he was itching to make it official. he can’t live without you.

“you know i’m never going to be ready, but i’m still gonna do it.” harry gently punched sam’s bicep.

“you got this.” harry smiled at his twin.

sam looked over at you at the volleyball net. sporting a pair of shorts and a blue bikini top, he watched as you were tossing the ball back and forth over the net with paddy. he saw the way his family just got along with you and how they all had accepted you into the family, but now it was time to make it official.

as if on cue, nicola had called paddy over, leaving you alone at the net. tom was in the ocean swimming, but harry had caught his attention, and he came back to where both sets of parents were sitting. sam was forever grateful that he had found a villa that had a private beach connected to it.

“hey love, let’s go sit with them,” sam said when he approached you. you nodded, immediately grabbing his hand. was sam even ready? was he prepared? he swore he practiced what he was going to say over and over again in the shower all the days leading up to this. though he knew he would never be fully prepared, he had a sense of hope that he would be more prepared than he felt now. 

everyone was lost in conversation, mostly talking about how nice the villa that you all had rented was, but harry looked at his twin and saw nothing but nerves and fear. sam thought for a second, here goes nothing. “wait guys can i say something real quick?” harry smiled as he realized what was happening. a chorus of ‘sure’s echoed between the families as he turned to you. 

“i honestly can’t believe we’re all here together in bali, but i actually had a surprise planned for you.” a confused look painted your face as the brown-eyed boy spoke. “i know we’ve only been together for less than two years, but this just feels right - our families together. i promised you years ago that i would make you carbonara whenever, but i have a few promises to add to that if you’d let me. i promise to always be there for you, to always make you happy, to always give you cuddles whenever you want. i promise to love you forever and always,” he paused to get on one knee, pulling the ring out from his pocket, causing everyone to gasp except for harry. “i swear to you, i’ll be the best husband you could have if you would marry me, y/n. so, will you marry me?” tears sprung at the corners of your eyes and rolled down your cheeks. you nodded, not being able to find the words to say. sam smiled, stood up, and captured your tear-streaked lips in a kiss, and when he pulled away, the diamond engagement ring was placed on your ring finger.

as your families celebrated over the engagement, you turned to him. “when we get home, can we have celebratory carbonara?” he laughed, nodded, and kissed you again.

[ouyangzizhensdad]

19 & 25 for salty ask (￣ε￣＠)

What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

I don’t know if I can pinpoint one thing that I hate the most (except perhaps the easy answer of, like, the fact that people cannot keep CQL stuff out of the MDZS tags).

I guess that one of them would that like people take the “there does not exist a True Reading/a Single Interpretation to a text” to the dumb extreme of like “anything goes because I just need to say that that’s how I see it 🙃 and all of our readings are all equally Valid”. Please, you still need to be able to justify and support that reading beyond “well that’s just how I prefer to think about this/that’s My Interpretation 🙃” if you want to have any credibility when you say that these readings hold as much water as readings/interpretations for which we are presented arguments supported by what can be found in the text or meta-textual engagements with the text. I couldn’t just show up to the fandom and be like “Zidian is an allegory for the fall from grace and MDZS is rooted in christian ideology, actually” with nothing to support that wild thesis and just expect people to be like “well, I guess we all have different readings of the text, uh, how valid of you.”

But honestly I am Boo Boo the Fool to expect otherwise....

How would you end MDZS/Would you change the ending of MDZS?

That’s a good question because MDZS is such a beast of a book that it’s quite hard to tie it all off and chose what note to end it on. I guess as well that with the extras we have technically “two endings” in the sense of what the novel ends on and what the last extra ends on. And, uh, I’ll probably need to unpack both so let’s get into it (only I would turn a salty ask into meta)

Last chapter: “Wangxian part III”

So after meeting MianMian, Wangxian continue to travel to a small town in their efforts to go where the chaos is. WWX is playing footsie under the table at the wine shop, holding onto LWJ’s ribbon. In contrast to this domestic scene, suddenly:

One of the few sitting at the table gloated, “I knew Jin Guangyao had to plummet sooner or later with the things he did! I’ve been waiting for this day for so long, and now he’s finally exposed, hah! One’s deeds will be paid, one way or another—what goes around always comes around!”

The last chapter directly references the prologue, which is something I personally adore in writing, this idea of taking your story full-circle. The difference, this time, is that the villain to be despised as entertainment is not longer WWX, but JGY (I could have done without WWX explicitly telling us so in the text because it is pretty clear however I also know readers miss the most obvious cues so maybe that hand-holding is deserved).

Aside from gossip about JGY, the sects, and the sealing ceremony of the coffin containing NMJ and JGY, there is a moment where an unnamed youth raises a point about the yin hufu.

Suddenly, he heard a young man’s voice, “Then is the Yin hufu really inside the coffin?”

A cloud of silence fell over the wine shop. A moment later, someone answered, “Who knows? Perhaps. What could Jin Guangyao have done with the Yin hufu except for carrying it on him?”

“But there’s no way of telling. Didn’t they say the hufu has become just a piece of scrap iron? There’s no use for it anymore.”

The boy sat alone at a table, holding a sword in his arms, “Is the coffin really firm enough? What would happen if someone wants to see if the Yin hufu is inside or not?”

Immediately, someone raised his voice, “Who’d dare?”

“QingheNieShi, GusuLanShi, and YunmengJiangShi all sent people to guard the cemetery. Who in the world would have the guts to do it?”

Everyone expressed their agreement. The boy didn’t speak up again. He took the teacup from his table and sipped, as though he gave up on his idea. Yet, his eyes hadn’t changed at all.

Wei Wuxian had seen those types of eyes on many faces. And he knew that this definitely wouldn’t be the last time he saw them.

This continues the idea that the cycle that brought about the issues and conflicts in the cultivation world that fueled the story of the novel are not likely to disappear, and that once again it is likely that the “common wisdom” of public opinion will accelerate or allow such troubles to brew. 

After they leave the wine shop, LWJ and WWX share a more domestic moment. Amongst others, they discuss the song Wangxian. Through parallel imagery, the novel also reaffirms that LWJ and WWX have become a family by mirroring one of WWX’s few memories of his parents (”Listening to his nonsense, Lan Wangji only grasped the reins of Lil’ Donkey with Wei Wuxian on it and clenched the thin rope in his palm, continuing on their way."). As well, WWX suggests they go back to the CR with a casually comment about missing tianzi xiao which is in reality prompted by the fact that he knew LWJ would be worried about his xiongzhang and shufu since one of the man in the wine shop said that LXC had looked terrible during the sealing ceremony and another commented “What would you expect? In the coffin were his two sworn brothers, while his sect’s juniors kept on running around with a fierce corpse—they even need its assistance on night-hunts! No wonder he’s in secluded cultivation so often. If Lan Wangji still doesn’t go back, I bet Lan Qiren’s gonna start cursing…”. This shows how Wangxian are taking care of one another in their own way, which is very cute. 

WWX also provides an in-universe explanation for his bad memory: 

Wei Wuxian knew that ‘for once’ referred to how his memory was good for once. He couldn’t help but smile, “Don’t always be so angry about it. It was my fault in the past, alright? Besides, my terrible memory should be accredited to my mom.”

Wei Wuxian propped his arm on Lil’ Apple’s head, spinning Chenqing in his hand, “My mom said you have to remember the things others do for you, not the things you do for others. Only when people don’t hold so much in their hearts would they finally feel free.”

And then we get the final lines of the novel:

Facing the wind, Wei Wuxian squinted at Lan Wangji’s silhouette. As he criss-crossed his legs, he shockingly found that he could somehow manage to balance himself in such an odd position on the back of Lil’ Apple.

It was only something trivial, yet he looked as if he just discovered a new and interesting occurrence. He couldn’t hold himself back from sharing this with Lan Wangji, calling, “Lan Zhan, look at me, look at me now!”

Just like before, Wei Wuxian called his name with a grin, and he looked over as well.

From then on, he could never move his eyes away again.

I am overall pretty satisfied with this ending, although I wish the last few lines had a stronger thematic resonance, but hey, it is still a romance novel at the heart of it so it also makes sense that it finishes that way. I am sure that there is a case that could be made about how the ending could have been stronger or more impactful, but I do think that it is a perfectly competent one. There are of course more things that could be discussed about how the novel ties in a lot of plot threads, but it is interesting to me to focus on what MXTX decided to show in the ultimate chapter of the novel.

Last extra: “Dream come true”

This extra is basically the equivalent of a book adding another chapter after “and they lived happily ever after” in order to show you what that happily ever after could look like for these characters. If the novel had only had the tone of this extra, it would have gotten boring pretty fast. But as it is, as an extra, it is just this little delightful piece of fluff that also gives us more backstory about WWX’s infatuation with LWJ during his first life. It is sweet to the point of cavities, but hey nothing wrong with an indulgent fanfic being stapled at the back of a story. It’s my favourite extra and I love how the audio drama gave life to it.

“Be honest about whether or not you thought about me in the same way.” In a solemn tone, he spoke, “Rejecting me like that so coldly every single time—it really made me lose face, don’t you know?”

Lan Wangji, “You can try, now, to see if I would reject you over anything.”

The sentence so suddenly struck his heart. Wei Wuxian choked, yet Lan Wangji was still as calm as ever, as though he didn’t at all realize what he just said. Wei Wuxian put his hand to his forehead, “You… Hanguang-Jun, let’s make a deal. Please warn me before you say something so romantic, or else I won’t be able to take it.”

Lan Wangji nodded, “Okay.”

Wei Wuxian, “Lan Zhan—what a person you are!”

Tens of thousands of words were left unspoken, in exchange for endless laughter and hugs.

Well that wasn’t very salty, but 🤷‍♂️

Salty asks

[journalofimprobablethings]

how this grace thing works

Lucretia is sobbing in her sleep.

Taako tells himself he doesn’t care, tells himself she deserves whatever pain she is feeling, tells himself that he’s only waking her up so that he can get some sleep himself. He tells himself that it doesn’t hurt to hear her cry.

That’s what he tells himself.

He doesn’t know why he let Magnus talk him into this visit in the first place, this obvious, ham-fisted attempt at reconciliation between them. Maybe it’s because he knew Magnus would never stop pestering, or maybe it’s just that he didn’t want to let the guy down. He tries so hard, Magnus does, to see the best in everyone, to help. His stubbornness and his sincerity make him a difficult person to turn down, even for Taako.

Whatever the reason, he is here in Magnus’s house, awkwardly sharing a room with Lucretia after months of carefully avoiding being in the same space with her for more than a minute at a time. Dinner was an exercise in endurance and small talk, then Magnus oh-sorry-there's-only-one-spare-room-and-the-dogs-hog-all-the-couches Burnsides bade them good night as though he wasn't sending two people who have barely spoken a word to each other all year off to share a bedroom. They didn’t speak at all as they got ready for bed, except for a polite inquiry from Lucretia about turning out the light.

It’s going about as well as Taako expected it to go.

And now he’s lying on his bed, staring at a ceiling that Magnus has decorated with tiny glow-in-the-dark stars, and listening to Lucretia cry quietly, desperately, into her pillow. It's only a few minutes before he throws off his covers, crosses the room to her bed.

“Hey, Lucretia,” he says as he kneels next to her. She is curled into a ball, her hands tucked in close to her chest, and she doesn’t respond at all to his voice.

“Creesh. Keesha.”

He shakes her shoulder, not bothering to be gentle. “Hey, Madam Director, wake up.”

She comes to with a gasp, her hands clutching his wrists, just for a second, before she realizes where she is and lets go.

“Oh. Taako. I’m sorry. Did I wake you?”

“I’d have to have been asleep in the first place for you to wake me. Never got that far.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah. Well.”

That should be the end of it. He should go back to his bed, try to get some sleep. He doesn’t care what she was dreaming about, what made her cry like that.

But her breath is still coming in short, sharp gasps, and she’s wrapped her arms tight around herself as though she’ll fly apart if she lets go.

Taako knows that feeling—he’s had it himself often enough.

So instead, he sighs and asks,

“Which cycle?”

She doesn’t look at him, just closes her eyes and shakes her head.

“Taako, we don’t have to talk about this, you can go back to sleep—”

“Not if I have to wake you up again when you fall right back into it. Which cycle? Sixty-five?” It’s the most obvious guess; he’s sure her year alone must haunt her, especially since she’s lived a different, self-inflicted version of that solitude for the last ten years.

She shakes her head, slowly. “No. Fifty-eight.”

Oh. Shit.

The Ferans.

It had been a particularly bad cycle, three of them captured only two months into the year. The Ferans were one of the more advanced cultures they’d run into over the cycles, but their magic was dark and twisted—they scavenged abilities and skills by taking pieces out of the people they captured to use as spell components. They’d taken Taako’s eyes, fascinated by elven dark-vision. They’d ripped Magnus’s heart out of his chest.

And they’d taken Lucretia’s hands.

Taako had nightmares for months afterwards about that day, being strapped to a table, unable to see, unable to move, forced to listen helplessly as Lucretia pleaded with their captors to take anything, anything but that—

He sighs.

“Let me see your hands.”

“Taako, you don’t have to—”

“Give me your damn hands, Lucretia.”

She holds out her hands to him—they’re shaking, although she tries her best to hide it. Taako takes them in his, and he is struck at once by how they have changed. Her hands feel—delicate, in a way that they never used to before. Her skin is softer, a little looser, webs of fine lines spread over knuckles just a little more prominent than they used to be.

And it hits him, suddenly, how much she has aged.

Lucretia is—not old, not frail. But she is not twenty anymore. After a century suspended in time, she is moving through her life at that stupidly fast pace that humans have. Even if she lives to be very old, she only has a few decades left.

It makes him angry, irrationally so.

He is still furious with her for what she did, all she took from him. He’s not ready to forgive her, not even close, and he hates this reminder that his forgiveness has a deadline.

This would all be easier, he thinks, if he loved her less.

He squeezes her hands, perhaps less gently than he would have twelve years ago. “You feel that? Your hands are right here. My eyes are back in my head, and I can see your stupid wrinkled face. And those people are long gone.”

They had gotten the Light that cycle—but after seeing what the Ferans had done to Taako and Magnus and Lucy, Barry and Lup left one of Taako’s fake Lights in the lab they rescued Taako from. The first column of the Hunger came down right on top of it, as Lup watched from the deck of the Starblaster with hard eyes.

Lucretia takes a deep, shuddering breath. Her eyes are closed, her brow furrowed, and she grips his hands tight enough to hurt.

“That’s it,” he says. “Hold on as tight as you need to.”

They stay like that for a long time, holding hands in the dark, the silence broken only by Lucretia’s hitched breathing. Taako catches himself rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, something he’s done with Lup when she has nightmares, a small, continuous sensation to help anchor her back in her body.

Slowly, Lucretia’s breathing returns to normal, and her grip on his hands loosens.

“Better?”

Lucretia nods. She finally opens her eyes and looks at him, really looks at him, and for once he meets her gaze with no challenge or anger at all.

What an odd pair they are, Taako thinks. Both broken and clumsily repaired in so many different ways. Both so good at hurting each other, whether they mean to or not.

Taako gives Lucretia’s hands a final squeeze and lets go. But he doesn’t go back to his bed, yet. Instead he settles himself against the side of the bed facing away from Lucretia, leaning his back against the mattress. It’s another thing he’s done for Lup, and she for him, on hard nights—staying close for a little while, a reminder that they’re not alone.

Lucretia takes a breath, as though she’s about to say something—to ask him what he’s doing, maybe. But she stops, and they sit, she on the bed and he on the floor, listening to the night silence, and Magnus’s distant snoring.

“Taako, can I say something?” Lucretia says finally.

“Sure.”

“It might make you angry.”

He suppresses a laugh. Everything she says makes him angry, recently.

“Tonight, you get a pass,” he says.

He hears her take a deep breath behind him, steeling herself for whatever she’s about to say. He can just picture what she must look like right now, the way she bites her lip when she’s nervous, worries her cuticles with her fingers.

They are different people than they were, ten years ago, but in some ways he still knows her so, so well.

Lucretia is silent for so long that he thinks that maybe she lost her nerve. But finally, she speaks.

“I miss you.”

Taako’s not sure what he was expecting—more apologies, maybe, because that seems to be all she has to say to him now. But whatever he might have been expecting, it wasn’t that.

“I know I don’t have any right to miss you, after what I did,” she says. “And I don’t…I’m not asking anything of you. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. But I just…I miss you. I’ve missed you all so much.”

Taako’s mind is full, suddenly, of images of the Lucretia he used to know—arguing with her over the papers she’d left strewn across the table just before dinner, shooing her out of the kitchen when she tried to write down his recipes, teaching her how to properly make tea. The way her whole face changed when she smiled.

They are different people than they were, ten years ago.

Too much has happened, too much has been lost, for them to go back to what they were before.

But maybe. Someday.

“You know what, Luce? Since we’re being honest?” Taako pauses, takes a deep breath. “I miss you, too.”

They don’t say anything else, after that.

What else is there to say?

Eventually, Taako returns to his bed, and Lucretia curls back up under her covers, but no longer in that tight, protective ball she’d pulled herself into before.

“Taako?” she says, after a moment’s silence.

“Mm?”

“Thank you.”

Taako lies back on his bed, looking up at Magnus’s little stars.

It hasn’t changed anything, their exchange tonight. It’s not forgiveness. Not yet.

But maybe it’s a start.

“You’re welcome,” Taako says.

[paulvibe]

The Assistant (Paul McCartney x Reader) Pt. 5

Words: 3.6k

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy (if dat bothers you)

A/N: I’m not a nurse or doctor by any means, so I apologize if any of the information isn’t accurate. this is a fan fiction, not everything is going to be completely true or real. With that note, thank you and enjoy <3

October 1968

Four weeks and 6 days later, your menstrual cycle hadn’t come. You’d been expecting it only a week after you and Paul had sex; yet, it seems her train is incredibly late to the station. You’d called the doctor last week in a panic, however they couldn’t find an opening until Thursday; two days away. Then you’d really know if you were expecting, or if it just happens to be a freak thing. You hoped it was the latter. 

 Ever since that night you’d been avoiding Paul, on top of Klein watching you like a hawk. All because of that stupid breakfast you let Paul talk you in to. You felt it was ridiculous-- Klein's behavior-- it's been over a month since then and he was still acting like a boob. Maybe he just didn’t like Paul, I mean the battle for a new manager was an intense one. Between Paul wanting Linda’s father, and the other three wanting Allen Klein solely because the bass player didn’t want him. Since that event, Klein has had a vendetta out for Paul.

 As for today, Ringo had asked you to come to his estate for business. You hoped it was going to be a simple day; all of the stress you’d been gathering over the last month probably wasn’t healthy, and to be honest, you really needed a break. You arrived at his home shortly after eleven this morning, greeted by two rambunctious boys and a very tired Maureen in the kitchen.

“Good morning, love.” You gave a reassuring smile to the woman as you took off your coat. She blew a chunk of fallen hair from her face and smiled back at you.

“Hi Darling, Richard is in his study.” She spoke softly, preparing lunch for the boys. You nodded at her in response, loving the fact she never called Ringo by his nickname, and continued on your way to the man's study. Once there, you knocked on the door and entered the room.

“How’re you?” Ringo asked while sitting at his desk and shuffling through some papers. The drummer’s home was beautiful. His office was large, he’d had bookshelves built in and a fireplace sat against the opposite wall. Tall windows let in natural light and white curtains donned them. Two armchairs sat in the corner near the shelves and a small table between them with a lamp. 

“I’m alright.” You answered, sitting down as well. Although you were not feeling alright. Actually, your brain was on a meltdown due to the possibility of being pregnant, and all you wanted to do was scream to release some tension. Ringo glanced at your face after you answered, sensing something wasn’t right. He raised a brow but you looked away from him, and down into your purse pulling out your notebook. The drummer has always treated you the sweetest, he almost acted like an older brother; without the relentless teasing. 

“So, we’ve got a few meetings, and I need you to book some solo studio time.” He responded, jumping right into the topics for the day. “I also need to buy flowers for Maureen while we’re out.” The man leaned back in his desk chair and sighed softly, looking around the room. 

“What kind of flowers?” You responded, pen in hand.

“Let’s do roses.” He spoke. You finished writing the notes down, then looked back up at the man. He was studying a few papers on his desk. Ringo looked tired, he must've felt the pressure of the upcoming concert. The boys had decided to do one last show, but as of right now it was still three months in the future, and they didn’t know where to hold it. There was also the strain of playing live after months and months of not. 

--

Ringo and you left to his meetings after an hour at his home. You’d played with the boys after they had their lunch, as well as took care of a few business calls while you were at it, then you and the drummer took off. The two of you currently sat in the backseat while Ringo’s driver, Bill, drove you. In a different car, Ringo’s bodyguards trailed behind as for a little protection; They showed up to the man’s house right before you took off. 

As you sat in the car, your mind couldn’t help but wander off. You drove by a few beautiful, newly built homes on your way causing visions of you and Paul with a small child to come to thought. The bassist was playing with the child while you sat on a couch, enjoying the moment. You could hear laughter and music, which resulted in a warm feeling to overcome your stomach. ‘Maybe a baby wouldn’t be so bad’ Your conscious gently whispered. Of course, the image in your head was overly romanticized compared to the true reality of having a child. 

You were brought back to reality by Ringo repeating your name. You quickly looked at the man who had a gaze of concern splashed across his face.

“Are you alright, darling?” He asked softly. Subconsciously your arms wrapped themselves around your stomach as a quick thought of the possible pregnancy raced across your mind. 

“Yes, I’m sorry, I didn’t get enough sleep last night.” You lied with a dismissal shake of your head. Ringo furrowed his brows, but didn’t press more. He did, however, give you a second, possible third, glance before focusing on a different topic. Sure, he’d changed the discussion, but you still felt a tightness in your chest. ‘Two more days, (Y/N), two more.’ Your brain gently repeated, then you’d know for sure. It was truly the unknown that was making you anxious. There are so many options you have to consider once you do know. Will you tell Paul? Or just have an illegitimate pregnancy. Would Paul even want to be involved? He seemed pretty occupied with his career and Linda. What about your own career? Will you have to quit and find something else? Will you even have enough money to support you and a baby? As of right now you made splendid money working as the boys assistant, but The Beatles aren’t going to last forever. There were so many open ends, it made you physically ill. Or maybe that’s just the morning sickness kicking in. 

Ringo and you arrived to a random office building you’d never been to before. Bill got out and opened the door. The drummer climbed out first, then held a hand for you to grab so he could assist you. Ringo’s body guards then showed up behind the man, keeping an eye for crazed fans. The press must've gotten word about where the Beatle was going to be, because flashes started to blind you as you two entered the building.

The entry to the building was large, an elevator and door to the stairs was on one side of the wall. Near it sat a little water fountain on a buffet table with flowers on each side. A single, quite ugly, rug lay from the entrance all the way to the end of the foyer where the main floor offices began. A little reception desk was right near the door and a small, older woman sat behind it. Her hair was styled in a bouffant with a bow tucked neatly between her bangs and poof. She donned glasses as well as, a colorful button up dress.

“Mr. Starkey! We’ve been expecting you.” The receptionist spoke, after seeing you guys enter. She quickly stood up from behind her desk, holding several papers in her arms. The woman guided you and the drummer to the elevators, then after that to the office Ringo was expected in.

--

After a full day of meetings, Ringo and you currently sat at a quiet restaurant a few miles away from the man’s homestead. It’s a small joint Ringo frequents a lot, especially with Maureen and the boys. The locals didn’t really care that he was a Beatle, so they paid him no mind. The interior of the building was a little boring, basic tables and chairs covered the floor. There was a small host desk where the register sat and an older lady was waiting behind it. Cheap art was hung on the walls for added flavor next to the kitchen door.

“I am right tired.” The drummer commented, taking a sip from a beer he’d ordered. You sighed, watching him drink. You’d kill to get to enjoy a beer.

“I know how you feel.” You responded, gently sipping your water. The ambiance of the small restaurant covered your silence for a few minutes. Glasses and silverware could be heard clinking, as well as the quiet murmur of people talking. Ringo studied you for a moment, sensing something was bothering you.

“(Y/N), you’re worrying me, lass.” He commented, leaning more towards your figure. You sighed and looked down to your lap. So, it really was that obvious how bothered you were right now. ‘Maybe it’ll feel better to tell somebody,’ your conscious spoke. You bit the inside of your cheek, before taking a deep breath.

“Ringo I-,” You paused, taking in a deep breath. Ringo has acted like an older brother to you, ever since you got hired; he was sweet, gentle worded, and kind. You didn’t know if it was because the other boys nearly tore you apart with their needs and demands when you first started, and he felt you needed a break, or what. Whatever the reason, it felt nice to have at least one ally. 

“Go on, love.” He added. You were silent for a moment before you spoke up. 

“This is a big secret, okay? You can’t tell anyone.” The man’s eyebrows shot up after your comment. He then nodded his head, urging you to continue.

“Alright, here it goes… P-Paul and I slept together over a month ago,” You paused again, looking at Ringo. He had a shocked look on his face, but tried to brush it off as to not wary you. “And, I’m… I’m… late.” You whispered the last word, leaning forward. Ringo twisted his head in confusion, but then figured it out as he let out a gentle ‘ah’.

“Does the lad know?” He then asked. You shook your head ‘No’ and held it in shame. Ringo’s hand began to rub the side of your arm as a comforting gesture. “It’ll be alright, love. Do you know for sure?”

“I have an appointment Thursday. I already asked Klein for the day off.” You answered the man. He was about to speak, but the waitress carried out your meals. She placed them onto the table, asked the basic questions, then walked off. You began to eat, Ringo as well; however, he kept a concerned expression every time you two made eye contact. 

“Are you going alone?” He asked quietly, genuine emotion laced his tone. You shrugged your shoulders in defeat.

“Well, yeah. I don’t have any family in the city, no girl friends...” You furrowed your brows, “Oh my god, you guys are my closest friends… My bosses are my best mates.” The last part came out in a whisper. 

“Well, that’s alright, love. I enjoy your company.” Ringo let out a chuckle, despite the mood being low. His little laugh, without fail, caused a small smile to cross your face. 

The moment passed however, and the mood turned somber again as you continued to eat. You two sat in the ambiance for a while, finishing out your meals. Ringo flagged for the check, paid, and then you two left. His bodyguards escorted you to the car, even though hardly anyone was around. Once in the vehicle, Bill turned on the radio to drown out the silence. 

“Oh, we’ve got to get Maureen’s flowers.” You commented, looking at your little notebook. 

“Bill, take us to that flower shop on seventh ave.” Ringo spoke up, then thanked you for reminding him. You quietly sorted through a few papers Ringo had gotten from his meetings, organizing and highlighting important sections, while the drummer looked out of the window. The beautiful countryside whizzed passed, though it's turned brown and dead for Autumn. 

“Are you really doing this on your own, (Y/N)? Are you going to tell Paul?” The drummers voice came out barely above a whisper. You set down the materials in your hands and looked at him. His droopy blue eyes gazed at yours, full of care.

“There’s nobody else,” You answered quietly. “And, I don’t know yet.”

“He deserves to know.” Ringo deadpanned. You sighed, knowing he was right and bit the inside of your cheek. 

“I’ll tell him when I’m comfortable, and I don’t know when that’ll be…” You finished, looking back down into your lap. Ringo sensed your pain and pulled your head so it was resting on his shoulder. You accepted the embrace, enjoying the company of another warm body. You hadn’t felt that since… Paul. 

“I’m going to send Maureen with you to your appointment.” The man said gently. You sat up off his shoulder to respond.

“No, Ringo, really. It’s alright, I’ll go alone.” You fought. Why did you want to do this on your own so bad anyways? Maybe it came from your parents pressuring you to be independent. Ever since you were little, they’d always told you to do things on your own. You paid for college alone, you bought your first car alone and now this was a new challenge to face on your own. 

“She’s been through this twice now darling, please. It’s alright to have help.” His mellow words caressed your chest, and you felt the tightness release a little. You paused before answering.

“Okay.” It was the quietest you’d been the whole conversation. Ringo nodded, rubbing the back of your hand as comfort. 

--

TWO DAYS LATER

You arrived to the Starkey residence three hours before your appointment. You thanked the cabbie, and shakily closed the door. You felt a shiver up your spine from the cool November air as you walked up to their door, and knocked. A subtle ‘Come in!’ sounded from inside, and you slowly entered the house. Maureen must've been expecting you. As soon as you walked through the foyer, a blonde mass of hair startled you by giving you a hug. Her warm, motherly embrace caused a small smile to form across your face as you hugged her back. 

“How’re you feeling?” She asked softly, pulling away but keeping her hands on your arms.

“Nervous.” You responded, shedding off your jacket and hanging it on a coat rack next to the door. The woman nodded, and rubbed your back while guiding you two to the kitchen. She had you sit at the counter while she set a kettle on the stove top. You couldn’t hear anyone else in the home, causing you to wonder if she’d gotten a babysitter for the day. 

“Where is everyone?” You asked Maureen quietly. The woman handed you a cup of water before answering. 

“Richard is at the studio, and I sent the boys to their Nana’s for the day.” You nodded and took a small sip from the glass. Maureen studied you for a moment, remembering how she felt with her first pregnancy, Zak. She was scared, of course, but at least she had Ringo. She couldn’t help but feel a minor amount of pity. Another poor girl hurt by Paul, so many come and gone.

“Must be nice to have some quiet time, yeah?” You asked her, fidgeting with the glass. 

“Yes, but after a few hours I start to miss them.” She nodded, with a laugh added. You stayed silent for a while in contemplation. Your nerves wouldn’t let your body calm down, no matter how many deep breaths you took. Your mind was racing as the fate of your future depended on this appointment. The kettle began to whistle, and Maureen quickly took it off the stove. She grabbed two tea cups, filled them with water, then added tea bags. She slid one over to you with a warm smile.

“Have you felt morning sickness yet?” She murmured after taking a sip.

“No, not yet.” You responded, also taking a sip. Thank god, ‘not yet’. 

“I didn’t feel it until my 8th week with Zak.” She spoke softly, smiling at a picture of her first born on the wall. “You’re still pretty early into your pregnancy, love?” She added.

“Yeah, I hit 5 weeks yesterday.” You responded. Your hand rested on your stomach, though there wasn’t any change to it.

“Enjoy these beginning stages. Like when your boobs come in before the rest of the bunch. Richie didn’t leave me alone for days.” Maureen laughed, causing you to chuckle as well. Maybe Paul would relish a larger cup size to… enjoy. Maybe he would pay attention to you more. 

--

You and Maureen chatted for a bit more and finished your tea before heading to the hospital. The ride over was an anxious one, even the decaying-- for winter-- countryside couldn’t distract your mind. Nor the radio that the Starkey’s second driver, Ted, had turned on. Maureen would occasionally give you a reassuring pat, or rub on your arm and then smile when you gave her attention. 

Once you arrived at the hospital, you two found the maternity ward and Maureen helped you check in with the front desk receptionist. You then sat in the waiting room, filling out a clipboard explaining the reason behind your visit. A few other women waited as well, one was really pregnant- she must’ve been nearly there- and the others seemed only a few months in. Cheesy waiting room music played over some speakers which was accompanied by murmured voices, telephones ringing, and magazine pages flipping. Maureen reassuringly patted your leg, while picking up a magazine herself. Your nerves were really beginning to build now, and a tight tension could be felt across your chest.   

After about a twenty minute wait, your name was finally called. Maureen gave you a reassuring pat, encouraging you to go by yourself. The nurse gave you a warm smile as you stood up and approached her. She seemed like an older woman, donning a typical nurses uniform-- a knee length white dress with a little cap-- Her hair was tied neatly into a bun and she held a clipboard with a pen. 

“Good morning, how’re you today?” She asked softly, leading you back to a private exam room.

“I’m alright, just a little nervous.” You responded with a hesitant chuckle.

“How come?” She asked politely, gesturing for you to sit on the exam table. 

“Well, you know why I’m here.” You said in a quieter tone. She glanced over the clipboard in her hand, and then nodded with a quiet, ‘ah’.

“I have three lovely children, two girls and one boy.” Her face warmed up as the thought of her children crossed her thoughts. You sighed a little, wanting to be as excited as she. Why did this scare you so much? I mean, there were plenty of reasons, but you wanted to be excited. You wanted to be okay with what was happening, and your future. Maybe different circumstances could cause a mood change.

“How old?” You asked as the nurse began to take your vitals. She started by getting your temperature, then blood pressure. 

“My oldest is 15, my middle is 11, and my youngest is 9.” The nurse answered, never wavering a smile from her face. “Is this your first?” She then added while guiding you to the scale to gather your weight and height. 

“Yes, it is.” You murmured, feeling butterflies gently flutter around your stomach. 

“I remember how scary it was.” She sympathized, giving you a reassuring look. She then grabbed an empty cup with a screw on lid and handed it to you. “Fill this up to the line as best you can.”

You nodded and the nurse led you to a nearby restroom. You quickly did you business and then returned back to the exam room where she was waiting. She grabbed the sample from you and placed it onto a tray.

“We should know within a few hours, if not today then tomorrow.” She spoke softly. Her face gave you a warm, motherly glance as she gently placed her hand on your arm and gave it a reassuring squeeze. You nodded, biting the side of your cheek to distill yourself of nerves. 

“Thank you,” You responded, giving her an uneasy grin in response.

“Whoever did this to you should realize what he’s putting you through, darling. I can sense how upset you are.” The nurse spoke quietly, leading you back out to the waiting room. You felt a bit taken aback by her comment but shrugged it off, knowing she was only trying to be helpful.

“Thank you again,” You spoke, once out into the waiting room. The nurse smiled and gave you a nod before exiting behind a door. You took a deep breath and spotted Maureen, walking over to the woman. She gave you a big smile with two thumbs up as you approached her.

--

You didn’t get the call until the next day. You’d been waiting anxiously by the phone all morning, hoping they’d ring before you had to leave for the studio. Just before you were about to leave is when the news was broke to you, you dashed across your apartment and swiftly picked up the phone out of breath. You were pregnant.

---------------------------

A/N: hi thanks for reading <3

here is my Master List and Part 6

[leonkennedystuff]

not alone (leon kennedy x reader)

[RE4!Leon]

Summary: wherein reader finally confronts leon about ada wong 

Warnings: angst

Part 1 of ?

hi guys! so this is my first ever original Leon content! I’ve been obsessing over him since RE4 but the RE2 remake just breathed new life into my already unhealthy obsession. hopefully you guys enjoy this little piece and please, please do feel free to send me some writing requests ! I’d love to generate more Leon content on here! 

The tears you were trying to suppress felt intolerably difficult to keep from spilling, the stinging in your eyes threatening to cascade down your flushed cheeks and show Leon just how much sadness and anger was erupting in your heart.

The argument you both had snowballed into a full-fledged match; your voices were raspy and strained from how long they’ve been raised at each other, filling the apartment you shared. At no point, though, do you think this will stop soon. Not with how stubborn he was being. 

It was crazy - how only he can make you feel this loved but also this worthless. You wish he could stop hurting you - this thing, this same issue, over and over again. All you wanted was to break the cycle, having felt suffocated even by the mere mention of her name. 

Ada Wong. 

God, how your blood boiled - she just couldn’t stay away. But the fact that Leon seemed unable to do so either absolutely made you see red.

When their paths cross, it’s as if he forgets he has you - his girlfriend of almost six years. It made you feel insufficient, like you weren’t good enough to keep his attention from swaying. It broke your heart in ways words cannot even begin to describe; all you ever did was love him, as truly, deeply and selflessly a person can love another person. 

What were you lacking? What did she have?

“You’re being so unfair, (Y/N)! If you can only hear yourself!” He berates, running an exasperated hand through his already disheveled blonde hair. He was clearly worked up with the whole situation - pissed off at how largely the argument escalated and how he was unable to see where you were coming from. 

For the most part - truth be told - he thought you were overreacting, your jealousy clouding your better judgement. It was ridiculous that you felt disposable whenever Ada came up on your pages. 

Can you really be blamed though? Especially when the reason for this mess was when you found out Leon had been secretly conversing with her after coming home from his latest mission? 

It was like the world tilted on its axis when you answered the call and that damned woman’s seductive voice rang through your ears. His betrayal created a rift that was just continuing to grow; you couldn’t look at him without feeling a terrible stab in your heart and this overgrown fight was only making it worse.

If you hadn’t picked the phone up, would he have told you? How long was he going to go without telling you? 

Your head throbbed trying to think of the answer to your questions - of convincing yourself that it would be the answers you wanted even though the worst came to mind. 

Despite all this, he still didn’t want to disclose to you what they’ve been talking about.

“Unfair?” You grit your teeth, incredulous at what he had just said. “I’m being unfair, Leon?! How would you feel if I went behind your back!? If I was hiding secrets from you with another man?!”

He shuts his eyes harshly, distress prominent in his strong features. He lets out a frustrated grunt. “Why can’t you just believe me when I tell you that the information is classified!” He snaps, moving forward. 

Leon was always very level-headed and calm, but he couldn’t help his small outburst. This fight, far by the worst you’ve both had in the entirety of your friendship and relationship, was taking it’s toll. 

He brings his hands down on the white counter top, the kitchen filling with the sound of his palms connecting with the marble. You flinch at the noise before glaring at him, the dam behind your eyes finally breaking.

Before you could try to stop it, tears leak in streams down your face as your chest started to tremble. “Was it also classified not to tell me you were talking to her? Or did you just want no one stopping you?” You retort, your voice being its lowest and softest in nearly an hour but just as harsh. 

You swallow the huge lump lodged in your throat, your hands unconsciously clenching as you look away from the bewildered man. You breathe out, not wanting to look at him as you asked your million-dollar question. “If I hadn’t answered, would I ever have known?”

Heavy silence shrouds the room as Leon remains mute. You peel your gaze away from the polished floor and up at him. You blink to clear your teary vision but seeing your boyfriend’s angry demeanor change into a softer, more remorseful one - a fresh wave tides in. 

You knew him way too well to know just by his body and expression that the answer was no. He didn’t have to say anything, nothing at all. Your heart was already twisting.

With his anger reduced to non-existence, his face drops at the sight of you crestfallen, his guilt biting at him. He watches helplessly as a fresh round of tears run down your cheeks, he aches to wipe them away and just hold you - to forget about this stupid night. 

There are a lot of things in your fucked up reality that he hated and seeing you hurt would be at the top of the long list. He breathes out, disconsolate and defeated, “(Y/N), she saved my life countless of times,” He tries to explain, feeling pathetic. The fire in his voice as cold as snow now. “I owe her mine,” He says, barely above a whisper. 

Although you were still trying to let everything process, you knew that he was right there - she did save his life more than once and that’s something you’ll forever be grateful for regardless of how you feel about her, but that wasn’t the real problem here. 

There was something deeper, and you knew for a fact that it wasn’t a green-eyed monster of jealousy. It was another nasty beast lurking in the shadows and you just want to know what you’re facing already.

Your voice gives in from exhaustion and heartache, cracking at the start of your sentence, wanting to end this - no matter how it goes. “Leon - just be honest with me, please.” You urge weakly, your eyes beginning to throb from crying so much. You steady yourself, wiping gingerly at your face and holding it in your palms for a few seconds.

Lowering your hands, you felt ill just getting your sentence out. “Do you have feelings for her?”

It felt like another eternity that he was silent. When you hear him sigh slowly though, the kind before a bad news was going to be delivered, your blood runs ice-cold. You shake a bit.

“S-she’s like a part of me I can’t let go,” He finally confesses, finally tearing your heart apart. “But it’s you I love, (Y/N). You’d have to be crazy not to believe that.”

You barely heard the last part of his talking. Your face scrunches, like an invisible hand just slapped all the feeling off your skin. Your breath was painful in your throat and you felt like you were going to choke. You were light-headed, nauseated with the betrayal.

‘She’s like a part of me I can’t let go.’

Who would’ve thought?

You quickly gather up the last of your wits to will yourself to move, to walk upstairs and grab some clothes and leave the place with some shred of dignity- maybe for a few days, maybe never honestly. Where were you going to go though? You didn’t know either. You couldn’t think or function normal, not when you felt stripped of anything and everything. 

He loves you? If he loves you so much, he wouldn’t have caught feelings for another woman. A woman he met in a day while you, years before.

Once your body obeys your commandment to move, you swiftly turn for the stairs, not caring that you’ll have to pass him. Leon takes a frantic dash towards you, hooking his grip gently but firmly on your arm. “Wait, where are you going?”

Without looking at him, you pull your limb back from his hold. You try to ignore the wounded look in his beautiful blue eyes from how harshly you recoiled from his touch. “I can’t do this,” You croak, shaking your head. “I have to leave, this isn’t good for me or for you.”

“Leave?” Leon’s face blanches, his thoughts going haywire at the thought of you gone. You were leaving him? No, it can’t be. You can’t. He was a fool - yes - but he knew that the sun rose and set with you and you only. Ada - she was manipulative, but she saved his life more than once and they’ve witnessed hell together - their experience in Raccoon City set some kind of attachment between them. 

It was his fault, though, for letting that attachment cloud his vision at times of what was really important. You.

“(Y/N) -“ He starts but you cut him off.

“Save your breath, Leon.” You dismiss the conversation, approaching the staircase a second time. He follows behind you, alarmed.

“Let’s talk about this. Just calm down, please,” He stammers slightly, trying to keep his calm despite his racing heartbeat. “I’ll tell you what you want to know. Please, just stop.”

A momentary feeling of solace washes over Leon as you turn back to look at him. His chest, though, feels like a thousand pounds when he sees your purely heartbroken state.

“What is there left to talk about? I’ve heard your piece and I don’t need to be reminded that she’s some part of you you can’t seem to let go. You don’t know how helpless I feel, Leon, that another woman is living in your heart with me.”

“She doesn’t -”

You shut your exhausted eyes, repined and extremely tired of hearing his empty reassurances. “I understand that you’ve been through hell and back with her, but it’s been years since Raccoon and you still can’t give her up. That says more than enough.”

[linerwriter]

Youth

As some of you know, I wanted to get away from Wild for the next couple fics because I’ve been focusing on him a little too much and I wanted to try my hand at writing a different Link. So, who better to do than Time?

(thank you @spacemalarkey for requesting Time, it helped me a lot)

(also I have a fic planned for Legend, so that should be coming out soon)

Word count: 1639. For the @linkeduniverse AU. Enjoy!

Time remembered the days when he was young.

Back then, he felt like he could change the world. And, while there was some truth to that statement, that feeling slowly diminished over time. As he grew older, that spark of innocence in his eyes changed into the burden of weariness, brought on by the many hardships he faced.

It took a long time for him to come to terms to what happened to him. For years, he wandered around Hyrule and the land beyond it, trying to heal. It wasn’t until his friends (although he could barely call them that anymore at that point) forced him to stay near them that he was able to confront it.

Even then, it took a long time for him to talk about it. The only other person who understood what had happened to him was Zelda, and she was rarely able to talk with him due to her duties. He couldn’t talk with Ruto or Nabooru, they were in entirely different places and had their own responsibilities to deal with. So, he was forced to stay at Lon Lon Ranch, the best thing to ever happen to him.

He felt like he got his life back. Yes, he could have fame, riches and glory if he stayed with Zelda, but the feeling of accomplishment and pride after a hard day’s work… That was a feeling that could never be replicated.

So when he met his counterparts, he was worried, for multiple reasons. Would they know of his failures? Of how he was the one responsible for letting Ganon take control? Or would they ignore that completely, focusing on his accomplishments? He didn’t know which one was worse.

In reality, though, the others were the exact opposite of what he feared. They were brave, smart, silly, but above all, they were humble. Even Warriors, who was the most airheaded of them all!

He didn’t know their stories. He didn’t what had happened to them, he didn’t know who they loved, who they lost. They were the same as him during his youth, lost and wondering what to do with their lives. It frightened him a little, if he was being honest.

The days of his youth were dark. They were sad. He wouldn’t dare wish the type of pain he felt on his most hated enemies, they were so bad. So to see the same thing, plastered on their faces (some of them younger than even he had been), it scared him. The great Hero of Time, scared for others! Oh, the jokes some would tell if they found out.

But it was true. And he had no idea how to stop the repercussions from happening.

It started off on an otherwise normal day at the ranch. They were visiting again to rest for a while, and to just enjoy each other’s company. Malon was happy with the amount of people in their home, which made Time happy, which made the others happy.

They morning and afternoon had been filled with chores and relaxing. Currently, the sun was setting, signaling dinner for everyone on the farm. Time was getting ready to go back in, cleaning up the activities the others were doing, when he noticed Sky sitting on a log, all alone.

Time approached the young soldier softly, trying not to scare him. Gradually, he sat down on the log Sky was sitting on, and they stared at the sunset together in silence.

“Hey, Time?”

Time blinked, “Yes, Sky?”

“How do you deal with it?”

“Deal with what?”

Sky turned toward the older man with a confused look in his eyes, “With the guilt.”

Time reeled back inwardly in surprise. “Dealing with guilt, huh?” He raised his hand toward his chin in thought, “I guess it depends on what you’re feeling guilty about. Are you feeling regretful? Do you think you could’ve done something different, or better?”

Sky digested that silently, “I don’t think it’s anything like that.”

“Do you mind telling me what’s bothering you, then?”

Sky hesitated, arguing with himself internally. It’s not like it’s exactly a secret, one part of him whispered, and Time’s trustworthy!

That doesn’t mean he knows everything, the other part hissed, and he could hurt us.

Sky shook himself out of his thoughts, “It’s just… as far as we know, I’m the first reincarnation of the original hero. Before me, there wasn’t anything like Ganon, or those mages that want to summon the thing.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And it wasn’t until my journey ended that this cycle became a thing, and it was my fault that it even occurred in the first place,” Sky was rambling at this point, “so I wouldn’t blame you guys if you didn’t like me that much-”

“Sky,” Time laid a hand on the younger man’s shoulder, “it’s okay.”

Sky was quiet for a few seconds. “Okay?” He echoed softly, “How is it okay? I’m the one who started this entire thing, after my battle with Demise! All of you should be angry with me! You should be blaming me, not helping me!”

“And who says you deserve it?” Time replied calmly. “Who decided that you were solely responsible for what happened during your journey? Who was it?”

Sky froze. “I know it’s hard to believe,” Time continued, “believe me, I know. But just because you were the one tasked with creating the Master Sword, with rescuing your Zelda, with fighting this Demise- it doesn’t mean that you carry all of the burden.” He looked Sky in the eye, “I have no doubt that if you didn’t do those things, we wouldn’t be around. We wouldn’t have even been an idea.”

Sky took in gasping breaths, “But how can you be so sure?”

“Because I’ve gone through the exact same thing as you are right now.”

After that bombshell was dropped, nothing moved. It was as if the very earth itself had stopped moving. “Y-you have?”

Time nodded, a faraway look in his eye. “I started my journey when I was very young, but during it, magic got in the way, making me fall into a seven year coma. When I woke up, the world had changed. There was no lush green grass, the sky was brown, there was no happiness. It wasn’t until after, when I was back to before my and finally able to think, that I started to wonder.”

“Wonder what?”

“If it was my fault.” Time snapped back to the present, “For months, I traveled my world, never staying in one place. I had no home, because I felt I didn’t deserve one. How could I? I was the one who allowed Ganon to gain control- I was the one who ruined their lives, even if they weren’t aware of it.”

Sky looked confused, “But you said that was what you thought when you were younger. Do you still think that way?”

Time smiled, closing his eye. “Not anymore, no.”

Sky’s forehead creased, “How?”

“Well,” Time started to explain, “My friends, first of all. They had known what I was doing for a long time, but were worried I would be angry if they tried to help. Eventually, though, it got to a point where it was either splinter their relationship with me, or I would drive myself to death.” He chuckled, “So the princess sent her private guards after me and forced me to stay here.”

“But why here?”

“Because they figured that being here would help me the most. It’s peaceful, calm, and most importantly, full of life.” Time grabbed Sky’s hand and held them, forcing Sky to look into his eye. “It made me realize something: life is worth fighting for, no matter what. No matter the outcome, no matter the methods used, if you can get rid of the thing plaguing your life and the lives of others, it is always worth it to protect it.”

“But that doesn’t excuse the fact that I caused this endless cycle of reincarnation to happen!” Sky cried out.

“Sky,” Time’s voice was serious, “This is a lesson my wife taught me, when I was going through the exact same thing you were. Just because you did something that caused a negative outcome doesn’t mean it was the wrong choice. Yes, my actions led to the deaths of others. Yes, my inexperience caused problems. Those things all happened. But just because I did them doesn’t mean it was the worst possibility. If I hadn’t decided to try to help, what my Ganon would’ve done was worse than what actually happened.”

He lowered Sky’s hands, placing them gently on the log. “So stop blaming yourself. Yes, you decided to go on that quest. Yes, you decided to make the Master Sword. Yes, you fought Demise and beat him, starting this whole mess. That doesn’t mean what you did was bad. I have no doubt that, if you hadn’t decided to do those things, what could’ve happened would’ve been much worse than what actually did.”

At some point during Time’s speech, Sky started crying. He held his face in his hands, his body shaking with the sobs he was letting out. Time’s expression softened into a look of empathy and kindness, hugging the boy close to him.

“It’s okay to not be the cause of everything.” He murmured into the younger one’s ear, “None of what happened was your fault, so try to stop feeling guilty about it.”

A few minutes later, Sky’s cries faded, leaving him empty and tired. “Are you feeling better?” Time asked softly. Sky nodded, burying his head into the older man’s chest. Time wrapped an arm around his back, “Ready to head back in?”

Sky extracted himself from the other’s arms, rubbing his eyes. “Thank you, Time.”

“You’re welcome. Let’s go home now, shall we?”

“...Okay.”

[ontheedgeofrecovery]

What was different?

Hang tight, this is going to be a long one. I hope it is worth your time to read. Also, I put a hell of a lot of time into writing this, so I really hope it is helpful for someone (anyone!) out there.  

So, I was messaging with a friend the other night (and by the other night I mean a few weeks ago because this took me forever to write) who I met a long time ago in treatment (you know who you are and I miss you and love you!). As we were talking about how hard it is to be in treatment, I started thinking about my own last experience in treatment. What made it stick? Why was it that time that I was able to stop the cycle of going in and out of the hospital? I have struggled with anorexia and restrictive eating since about the age of 7. It didn't turn into a full-blown eating disorder until I was 13, but the seeds were there around 7ish when I started to become very rigid about what and when I would eat. Anyway, it's been a long struggle. And then from 13 to 31 I cycled in and out of treatment. I literally have lost count of how many times I have been admitted - I don't say this to brag (I have noticed this is a thing in treatment), but rather to emphasize that clearly something was not clicking for a long time. In the summer of 2014 my treatment recommended palliative care and to stop trying to get better in the hospital. Basically, let nature take its course. 

I pretty much accepted that the only thing left to do was die, but then decided to give it one last go and embarked upon one of my longest stays in treatment ever (October 20, 2014 to August 22, 2015). Although to be fair, I "left" many times. Usually for a day or two and then I would come back and resume my stay. I am so lucky I found a place and a treatment team that was willing to put up with my flight impulses and always accepted me back. I went from inpatient to PHP to residential to PHP to inpatient to PHP, and then finally IOP. I really hung in there and allowed myself to get to about 90% of my ideal before I discharged. Which I don't think I had done since being 15 and being at Remuda. While I clearly think this is one of the bigger players in how I got myself stable, there are others. 

What was different? How did I allow myself to stay that long in treatment and sit through the discomfort of gaining almost double my body weight?

Well, there is no one simple answer, but I have been mulling it over in my head the past few days and I thought I would jot down my thoughts 1) because I feel stuck where I am at in recovery and maybe this will be motivation and 2) I don't have many readers, but for those of you who are out there maybe this will be helpful? So here they are in somewhat of a particular order (though these have changed over time in how they contribute and maintain my "recovery" (I hate using that word, because I still struggle a lot with food, but I am so much better than where I was and maybe this is what recovery looks like for me?).

Anyway.

1) Cannabis -  This is kind of what kick-started the whole journey. I was 31 and had NEVER been high. Not edibles (well, obviously), not smoking. Nothing. I was absolutely terrified of getting high. I had heard so many stories of people getting paranoid and having panic attacks. I am already so anxious that the thought of something making me more anxious was an absolute no go. In addition to that, I am a rule follower and smoking weed was definitely against the rules. 

My brother came to visit in March of 2014. I was not in a great space. This gets confusing because my brother and my ex are both named Nick, but we called my brother Nicky growing up so that is what I will call him here in order to differentiate. Nick had been trying to convince me to try smoking for years, pretty much since we started dating in 2008. I was steadfast in saying it was a no-go. However, Nicky made a compelling argument that I had tried everything else and was dying anyway so why not try it as a last-ditch effort to save myself. Or at the very least make the time I had left enjoyable.  

I did and it opened my world in so many ways. It made me feel more connected to a greater whole. It made me realize that I am not alone in this world and I felt less isolated. Coming to terms with this made me realize how insignificant I really am in the overall scheme of things. This really helped me put into perspective the amount of time and energy I was putting into something that was not contributing at all to the betterment of society, my relationships, and I was not okay with this. 

It also reduced my rigidity. Things just seemed clearer when I smoked. It was kind of like a veil lifted. I had more room for flexibility. Smoking also fills me with a feeling of hope (similar to my feelings of connectedness). Things just don't seem so dire and pointless when I am high. It seems like things could be different, that I can choose a different reality. 

And finally (I don't know why this is, but I would LOVE to do research on this someday), I saw myself somewhat accurately when I smoked. For some reason when I am high I am able to see myself more realistically. My distortion doesn't completely go away, but how I see myself is definitely closer to what is real. I would look down and see my body and be like, "oh shit, this is really bad”. This even happened to me tonight when I smoked. All day long I was feeling really uncomfortable in my body and seeing myself way bigger than I actually am. I hate to say "fat," because I don't see myself as fat, I just see myself as a little above average - which everyone tells me is not true. Tonight though, I looked down and was like, yeah, I am at a normal weight, but I am on the low side of normal and I could see it for a little while after I smoked. 

I don't know if that makes sense, but basically starting to use cannabis made me see things from an entirely different perspective. Throughout the summer of 2014 I gradually began to believe that things could be different. That maybe the amazing clarity I had when I smoked was how things were supposed to be. Maybe if I could get to a better place I would feel the happiness and hope I felt when I was high. Maybe if I gained weight things would get better. And for the first time in a long time, I believed it. 

2) My (now ex) husband drew a hard line in the sand - This was a huge influence as well. I started my treatment journey at Princeton (which I chose because I had never been there before - I also knew they had private rooms and that was a huge draw. Also, to be totally honest, I had been essentially banned from a number of other treatment centers for being a repeat customer and always leaving before I was ready). However, I signed myself out after a month.I had a million reasons - I was the oldest one there, they were making me gain weight too fast, I knew everything they were teaching me, it was depressing, I was sick of being on bedrest, it wasn’t fair, the staff sucked... on and on. 

Nick was PISSED. He had finally reached a point where he couldn't do it anymore. He told me I was not allowed to come home. He said if I came home he would either move out or that he would file for divorce. 

I was devastated. Nick had never done this before, he was never thrilled when I left treatment, but he also was a little happy to have me home and doing marginally better. I didn't know what to do or where to go, so I knew there was no escape, I had to go back to treatment. I chose a place near my family so I would a) have the support and b) if I stepped down I would have a place to stay. Nick made it clear I was not allowed home until I had put on a significant amount of weight and my treatment was onboard with a discharge from care. 

I knew if I was going to save my marriage and get home, I had to at least stay long enough to be appropriately discharged. There was no escaping it. Also, this didn't happen until a little while after, but when Nick did ask for a divorce, it hit me that I had become my dad. My father has a lot of mental health issues and my mom stuck by him through the years. But at some point, he stopped being an active participant in his own care and health. My mom couldn't do it anymore and she left him. The quote, “watching someone drown in a puddle and all they need to do is stand up” comes to mind. She just couldn’t watch him refuse to stand up anymore. 

It completely devastated him. I have always been afraid of becoming chronically mentally ill like my father and losing everyone in my life. By continuing to go in and out of treatment and cycle in and out of doing well enough to maintain relationships I was going to follow in the exact footsteps as my father. I see how miserable his life is and I continue to use that image to push to not listen to everything the eating disorder tells me. 

3) I wanted my dogs back/needed to get out of where I was living - In May of 2015 (when I was in PHP and living at my mom's boyfriend's - his name is Don - house) Nick asked for a divorce. I was doing pretty well in treatment, still struggling and being non-compliant at times, but continuing to attend every day and slowly weight restore. I still don't know entirely when the scales (no pun intended) tipped, but they did. I don't know if Nick realized how much more peaceful his life was without the eating disorder or if he just didn't believe things would change. Regardless, he said he was going to file for divorce. 

I went from "staying at Don's house" to living at Don's house in one phone call. To say I was devastated is an understatement. In fact, I am still devastated. I saw my parent's marriage end because my dad couldn't get sober and now I had done the same thing in my own marriage. I lost the person I was closest with because of the eating disorder. I guess, in a way, this was part of what kept me at treatment as well - the hope that I would get well and Nick would take me back. I still hope this will happen, but I know it won't. Anyhow, I digress.

Living at Don's house sucked. I was living with my mom again at age 32. I felt like such a failure. It wasn't even my mom's house I was staying at, it was her boyfriend's. It was not comfortable living there, it was awkward. It was awkward sharing a space with Don and his son who has a lot of anger issues. My bedroom was uncomfortable. I slept on a twin bed for the first time since I was a teenager and it was lopsided. It was out in rural NH and I hated that all my friends and anything to do was a quite a drive away. Everyone in the house smoked cigarettes and I hate the smell. But what I hated most was I was not allowed to have my dogs. 

My dogs are the most important thing in the world to me. I love those little beasts so fucking much it hurts at times. And I hadn't seen them in 7 months. I absolutely needed to get myself out of that house and get my dogs back. However, I could not do this without a job. And I could not get a job while I was still struggling so much with eating and reliant upon the structured schedule PHP was providing for me. I made it my mission to get to a point where I could hold a job and get my own apartment. If I was going to stay well long term and not have to be re-hospitalized, I knew I had to give myself more cushion room in terms of weight gain than I ever have before. 

4) Yoga - Yoga has become really trendy lately and with good reason. There are so many benefits to yoga that go far beyond the physical. For me, the primary thing I learned in yoga is that if you stay persistent, the uncomfortable gets more comfortable. And things that seem impossible become possible. 

I have a very special relationship with avoidance and perfectionistic behaviors. I tend to avoid things I am not good at or not even try at all. I hate being uncomfortable. Like, no one likes being uncomfortable, but I have a particularly difficult time with it. Not being good at something and building the skills you need to get better is often very uncomfortable. I pretty much have always shied away from things that challenge me to the point of being uncomfortable. This is for a couple of reasons 1) I hate not being good at things 2) It doesn't seem worth my time if I suck 3) Getting better at things requires being uncomfortable at some point and I don't like it. 

I often do not stick with things that I am not good at or require discomfort on my part. I will try to pick up a hobby and not be good at it and quit. Or I will try to get myself in better shape by trying to lift weights or run and it makes me feel discomfort, so I quit. Although I go to the gym every day, I will not do anything beyond walking because pushing myself physically is uncomfortable (though I will walk 7 miles in a go, I hate breaking a sweat). I don't like to eat because I have a nauseous stomach and that is uncomfortable. I don't like to try new things because the unknown is scary, so I avoid it. Basically, what I am saying is I never stick with anything long enough to see the discomfort dissipate and the rewards of tolerating the discomfort come through. i.e. weight restoration, facing fear foods, sitting with the feeling of food in my stomach, making choices about what to eat, physical activity, anything I am not immediately good at. 

Yoga at first seemed like a thing to get into because I wasn't allowed to really exercise and at least it was some physical movement. I was so desperate to be able to move more that I didn't care that I wasn't very good at it. Also, I went to a gentle yoga studio and everyone there was so accepting and welcoming to people who were just getting into yoga. I kept going to yoga and I actually started to get better at it. I didn't feel any pressure to be getting better, but I began to see it happen anyway.

I started taking harder classes. I started to learn to breathe through the uncomfortable poses. That they would end and that next time I did them they would be easier. A friend of mine sent me a yoga sequence and it was hard. Like, an hour long with a million chaturangas (when you lower yourself like a pushup, into up dog and go back into downward dog). The first couple times I did it I couldn't do all the chaturangas, so I skipped a lot of them. But as I did it everyday, I was able to do more and more. Eventually, I could do the whole sequence and even the jump back from crow into chaturanga! 

Committing to doing yoga every day was the first time I really stuck with something through the uncomfortable learning period and allowed myself to see the benefits of my practice. It started t make sense to me that other areas of my life could be similar to yoga - that if I didn't focus so much on the discomfort in the moment and rather on the fact that it would pass and I would be better for tolerating it that I would gain skills. I finally got that part of growing and evolving involves a certain amount of discomfort and acceptance that you won't see results right away. Yoga has taught me so much. To accept my limitations and also to push them, to breathe through discomfort, to not be so hard on myself, and that I am capable of growth and change. 

Here is a great little blurb on Reddit about discomfort and yoga: https://www.reddit.com/r/yoga/comments/5hc0b2/yoga_has_taught_me_to_welcome_discomfort_into_my/ 5) I agreed to medications - I have always had a not so great relationship with medications. I have a ton of side effects and I just really don't like taking them. Over the years I have gone on and off medications so many times. I will take them for a while, go off them, fall apart, go back on them, not really get better, have side effects, go off them - you get the idea. Even when I found something that helped I would frequently go off it after a time because I really didn't want to be on meds. 

I finally got desperate enough that I thought, hey, it improves my quality of life, fuck it. Even if the medications shorten my lifespan (worst-case scenario) then at least I had some years with decreased mental health issues. I started to really talk to a psychiatrist about finding something that worked. It was trial and error and took a little bit of time to find the right meds that a) helped and b) didn't cause horrible side effects. The two medications I am on certainly do not get rid of the obsessive thoughts or the anxiety, but they certainly make it way more manageable. 

I don't feel as much like a prisoner of my brain or that my brain is a prison - either or. And I have remained compliant instead of being like, "oh things are better, I don't need these!" Because I do need them. I have a brain-based illness and I wouldn't turn down medications if I had any other disease of the body, so really this is no different. 

6) I went slowly but surely - I stayed in treatment for a loooonnngggg time and took weight restoration pretty slowly. It sucked and I so wanted to get back to life, but every time I have done weight restoration the quick and dirty way in the past, it didn't stick. I would either leave treatment early because it was happening too fast and I was too uncomfortable. Or I would leave treatment and be unable to adjust to my new body and rapidly relapse. I knew I had to do things differently. I was very lucky I had good insurance and a treatment that was willing to work with me. Also, not lucky, but I have comorbid mental health issues (anxiety and OCD) that helped keep insurance covering me. 

7) I gave up trying to eat intuitively - This is a big one too. I always thought that recovery looked like eating normally. For me, it doesn't look like what most people would classify as normal. It is very regimented and I eat a lot of very safe foods. And I used to think that meant I wasn't in recovery and why keep trying. I might as well go back to listening to what my brain tells me and not eat. I mean, if I couldn't eat normally, why even bother?

I decided to try something different than what is encouraged in treatment. I began to eat the same thing every day. The same exact thing at the same exact times. No matter how I felt. This helped me for many reasons 1) I got used to the foods I was eating and desensitized myself a little 2) It took the overwhelming choice of what to eat out of the equation. Deciding what to eat is really stressful for me and so I often avoid it. Eating the same thing every day meant I didn't have to make decisions 3) I could stop counting calories. If I eat the same exact thing every day there is no reason to count calories. I did at first but eventually seeing the same number every day seemed like a waste of time and unnecessary. 4) I am super routine, so once I get in the groove of something, I stick with it. Now even when I feel nauseous or I had a rough day and don't feel like eating or I am having an uncomfortable body image day I still eat at my scheduled times, because, well, routine. It is more uncomfortable for me to break my routine at this point than it is just to eat what I have eaten every day for 3 years. 

I am not saying this is a great long term solution, but for people with chronic and severe anorexia, it is better than anything else I have found in managing a healthy weight. Like I said, maybe this is what recovery looks like for me right now. I hope it gets better in the future, but I am just happy to be participating in life.

8) I eliminated almost everyone I was in treatment with from my social media - Well, not everyone, but other people who were cycling in and out of treatment like I was. It just wasn’t healthy for me to see their posts. People would post how they were going back into treatment or pictures of them that were incredibly triggering. So, I didn’t want to see that anymore. It made me feel like there was no hope when I would see someone doing well no longer doing well. Or to see the constant treatment posts. Some people glorified being sick or seemed to take pride in how sick they would get or how much weight they had lost. It was just a world I needed to step back from. For me, I experienced a lot of competitive and self-destructive feelings when I would see people thinner/sicker than me. I would feel either a) I wasn’t really sick enough to need help and b) jealous they were thinner than me (I hate this part of the eating disorder and I am kind of ashamed to admit this here). 

I also needed to build a community that wasn’t treatment based so I wouldn’t miss it. I grew strong relationships in treatment that I had a hard time finding in the real world. Treatment and the community within it didn’t consciously keep me ill, but when I wasn’t there and I would see group pictures. It made me feel as though I needed to go back to the safety and community of treatment. Again, I just needed to focus on something other than anorexia to escape the cyclical pattern I was in. 

I certainly kept in touch with some people who continue to struggle, but these are the people I regularly talk to and have authentic, real friendships with - not people I just followed because we spent time in treatment together. It was sad to unfriend these people, but I just needed to build a life outside of treatment and to focus on my friendships that had nothing to do with eating disorders. It helped me regain an identity outside of anorexia. I needed to be exposed to normalcy around eating after being surrounded by people who struggled with food/weight/body image. I needed to start to have conversations outside of my obsession and dysfunctional relationship with food. 

Anyway, that was long, but I hope there were some nuggets in there that helps someone. Thanks for sticking with me through to the end if you read this! 

[mandyjane-lifedesign]

My life with a narcissist

It started off well enough. Our first date went pretty well. I thought he was nice but it was the way he seemed so eager after the date that really drew me in. He couldn't wait to see me again and I was flattered. He was charming, attentive, and seemed to want to help and make my life better. He offered to help my son who had a fear of flying and said once that he would rather pay me than have me see clients that wore me down. I thought that was so sweet, protective, and caring. Selfish behaviour About 5 months into the relationship we planned to go to Singapore and Australia. At Heathrow, we were told that I couldn't get on the flight because my passport wasn't valid for 6 months after travel. He went berzerk. Swearing and shouting and complaining that his birthday was always ruined (we were going to spend one night in Singapore for his birthday). He had booked a hike in New Zealand for a few days into our trip and insisted he had to leave because he didn't want to miss the trip. And so he left. No thought for me, no offer to stay with me to organise my passport. It took 24 hours to get a new passport (amazing!) and I headed off a day later. His trip wasn't delayed and he still spent 3-4 days with me in Melbourne before leaving for his hike. We met my Aunt in Melbourne and during our first dinner, he scolded me for taking my mobile phone out. I was doing it to show my Aunt a photo of my son. And so this sort of thing continued... I should've seen then that this would be the start of a lot of misery... He broke up with me a month later and was with someone else two weeks later. That lasted three months. I was devastated when he broke up with me and instead of seeing the blessing in disguise, I chased him. I was bereft without him and this can be traced back to my chaotic childhood and fear of abandonment. Break up and getting back together About 5 months later we were back together and in the four years together in total, we broke up at least three times. Against my better judgement, I always wanted to return. As bad as the relationship was, it was still an improvement on being alone. That always scared me the most. I knew that this craving to get back with him was dysfunctional and against my better judgement but I still yearned for him. Imago Theory suggests that we identify dysfunctional patterns in relationships from our childhoods and we try, as adults, to fix this and complete the cycle. If we can get the narcissist to love us, it is evidence that we really are loveable. Lack of loyalty During our relationship, I found out that he had been on the dating site, Match, for 9 months. A friend eventually told me after I had been explaining to her how I doubt myself so much and feel controlled in the relationship. When I confronted him he dismissed it as "light window shopping" and swore he never met up with anyone. Yep...I still stayed. He would comment on what I ate, how I spoke, my posture at the dinner table. He made jokes to colleagues about how he had "dumped" me. I felt so stupid. Once, he told me that he would not allow me to order a pancake because he didn't want me messing syrup on myself. We were due to fly in First Class and he said he didn't want me going into First Class looking a mess. I told him that I had a spare change of clothing but to no avail. He would make decisions without discussing them with me. I spent Christmas alone because he had made other plans. He seemed incapable of thinking about anyone other than himself. He also lacked empathy and trying to explain to him how his actions made me feel landed on deaf ears. I realised soon enough that if I was going to stay with him, I would have to accept that my emotional needs (or any needs for that matter) would never be met and that he would always put himself first. Generosity with conditions At first, he was generous. He would help me if I didn't have enough to make ends meet and would help me out if he wanted me to go on a trip with him overseas. This covered my lack of earnings while we were away. I was very fortunate to travel to many countries with him. I noticed though, that he would help me on some occasions (I rarely asked for money from him) when it benefitted him (for instance, if he wanted me on a trip) but if it didn't really benefit him, he wouldn't help out. I spoke to him about this one day in a clumsy way and he never ever let me forget it, telling me I was ungrateful. I had done loads for him in the past and he wasn't necessarily grateful but I felt persecuted for this one incident and he never let me forget it. Generosity came to a grinding halt - that taught me. Gaslighting This is when someone tells you they never said something that they did say or they make you feel you keep misunderstanding what they said. Funny that, he is the only one this seemed to happen with. I never had other people telling me they never said things or that I clearly kept on misunderstadning them. You start to doubt yourself, and you spend inordinate amounts of time thinking about the narcissist when they aren't around you - Am  crazy? Am I being unreasonable? You begin to lose your sense of normality. Self-serving behaviour Then he decided he wanted to become a ski instructor in Colorado. Over the winter months - December to March he spent two weeks of every month there. He shared a house with two other woman (one of which he admitted he fancied - at least he was honest!) and they were 'allowed' to leave the house in a mess. Once when I visited there was green mould in the fridge and crumbs everywhere as well as dirty dishes left in the sink overnight. It was unacceptable for me to do this at his home in the UK. He once cleaned around crumbs/food I had left on a kitchen counter to shame me the next morning. When I asked him why it was okay for them to leave the house in such state when he wouldn't tolerate it wtih me, he would say that the house in Colorado wasn't his proper home, it was only rented. huh? Either you dislike an untidy home or you don't. It made me feel belittled. When we went skiing he lacked patience and had me in tears often. When I tried to speak to him about this, he said "You have a bad attitude". He left me on the slopes alone too on slopes far too steep, he seemed to lack any conscience! I'm not saying I am perfect. I can react passive-aggressively when he made me angry or if I felt devalued. I would push back in my own way and perhaps I was ungrateful in some ways but my general demeanour was always kind and considerate. I started to withdraw though, and slowly but surely, his behaviour towards me crushed the love I felt. Emotional exhaustion I felt exhausted with this 'heaviness' around me constantly. He would rarely ask me about my life, he was always far too preoccupied with his own issues. If he did something nice for me, it would be something I would have to be eternally grateful for. He couldn't stand any criticism and would often react with, "Well if that's how you feel this isn't a very good relationship is it?" That would shut me up because it felt like a threat of imminent abandonment. Rages Over time the rages became more pronounced. he would swear and shout and throw things. Often, it would be over relatively minor things - not being able to access a website, when his cooking went wrong, or he missed a turning on the motorway etc Once he was annoyed when we landed in St Lucia and I took too long getting through customs. I didn't check any luggage through so I had to carry all my bags about 3 blocks to the terminal whereas he took a shortcut (he's a pilot). I was already anxious about delaying him and then noticed that he was standing near the exit looking angry and tapping his watch. That was the start of that trip!   Entitlement He never seemed to place much value on people, instead he was very task orientated. When it was his mother's 80th birthday he moaned and shouted about the fact that it was a nuisance to have to go to her birthday which was an hour away, when he was so busy. One important signal to take note of is how someone treats their mother! He always criticised her and seemed to resent having to call her or spend any time with her. He wanted unconditional adoration without any reciprocation from him.  He also cared deeply about what others thought of him and would often talk more about himself rather than ask others about their lives. Writing this has been very cathartic. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, it might help to write it all out. It clarifies things when it is on paper. Don't be hard on yourself if you are still in a relationship with a narcissist. I am a therapist, could see what was going on and STILL found it really really hard to break away. It's rarely a simple case of just walking away. Mandy X Try this test if you suspect you might be in a relationship with a narcissist, although deep down you probably know but you doubt yourself because narcissists are manipulative and muddy the waters. https://survivingnarcissism.tv/free-narcissist-test/narcissist-test/ Read the full article

[officialmaleclibrary]

This month we’re showcasing an author in the fandom who has written popular works such as Quite magical and A promise of forever. Pat is on ao3 as WendigoBaby and on tumblr as @maghnvsbane, and we’d like to thank her once again for taking part in the OML author showcase! 

1. When did you start writing fics? Tell us a little of your journey as a fic writer.

I believe I was 13 when I wrote my first ever piece of fiction (a really bad story about a lady assassin able to turn into a panther, don’t even ask) and it snowballed from there. For two or three years I used to do fics for this French cartoon called Code Lyoko, before moving to original stuff - it was a great exercise for keeping personalities and plot consistent, while also dabbling in character design. Then forth came Shadowhunters and I fell so hard for this show, that I’ve been stuck writing for it almost exclusively since the end of season one, with a small phase dedicated to The Raven Cycle.

2. What fic of yours are you most proud of and why?

My Simple blessings piece holds a special place in my heart, as I’ve poured a lot of emotion into it; the relief related to being able to love and be loved in return, the joy of domesticity and the intrinsic beauty of the world (or maybe I just love waxing poetic). The other one I’m proud of from a more practical standpoint is fire & gasoline; describing fighting is always a bit of a challenge, because you have to imagine all of the movements and stitch them all together into something that flows and reads comfortably, allowing the reader to imagine it all in their head. With that fic I feel like managed that quite decently and I'm proud of it.

3. Who is your favorite character to write and why? Which character do you find the most challenging to write?

My favourite is definitely Alec, since I relate to him in many aspects, both life and personality-wise: we’re both perfectionists, a little closed off and wary of newcomers, but tender and with a lot of love to give beneath a hard shell. Also we both love Magnus Bane, so there’s that. On the other hand, I feel like Simon is the most challenging one and it may be a strange answer, but his kindness and his specific kind of rambling, pop culture-related humour is hard to capture for someone more quiet like me.

4. What is the hardest part about being a fic author? The easiest?

Starting the fic and then bringing it to the finish line, definitely - the longer I work on a piece, the more doubts I get whether the idea is even worth the effort. Probably because the more I read over the same sentences, the more predictable they get and start to feel like boring writing, even when it’s only in my own head. I also get distracted fairly frequently by new concepts, which ends with me surrounded by half-finished fics that gather dust on my desktop. The easiest? Getting an idea - inspiration comes from anywhere and with time I start to hoard these little thoughts that one day may be born into full blown pieces - sometimes all it takes is half a sentence heard in a grocery store two aisles over.

5. What inspires you? Where do you find your muse?

Anywhere and everywhere, but most often from songs and aesthetic pictures I come across on tumblr. Other than that, it's movies, tv shows, video games, real-life conversations or even random things I dreamed about (although those tend to get a little strange and I don’t think should be turned into fanfiction).

6. How do you power through writer’s block?

I cry. No, to be honest, I just try to keep going. I write the most awful, kitschy sentences imagined and yell (complain and whine, more like) about them to my friends until it gets easier and my creativity flows again. If that doesn’t work, then I let myself take a day off, go outside, do something with my family or friends, or just start something new because pushing too hard for will just make everything  worse. Consuming new media also helps - going to the cinema, reading poetry or books, listening to music you'd never think you'd enjoy, anything to widen the horizon of your imagination and get yourself out of your comfort zone.

7. Do you have a favorite fic from another author?

Oh gosh, so many! Some Kind of Wonderful by magnusragnor/@magnusragnor (the best lifeguard au i’ve read ever, well-paced and characterized, I fell in love immediately and it’s one of the first fics that comes to my mind when someone asks for recommendations), and my heart is set on you, plus all of the single parent aus by @lightwoodlesbians /ohprongs (Charley has one of the most incredible styles with great natural humour and in-character writing; she is also one of the only people who can make me like children in fics), hold on to me (cause i’m a little unsteady) by ceciwrites/@daddariossmile (this just stuck with me, the soft way they interact, the whole concept of skating the way it’s used here, 10/10) and Appassionato by Chonideno (this moved me on a deeper level, the love of music included in this, passion written into every word, the original take on the concept of a first meeting, I love it all).

8. What’s something you’re looking forward to in season three of Shadowhunters?

As for Magnus and Alec, I’d love to see them have more conversations about the differences between them without death in the form of Valentine looming over their heads, as well as more casual intimacy and domesticity (hand holding, hello kisses, more hugs, a training scene, I’ll take anything). We’ve got a taste of Battle Couple, which I hope is just an introduction to more great scenes with them as a team. In general, I’m looking forward to Luke’s conflict with nosy Ollie (plus his hot date with Maryse) and more backstory on our favorite Downworlders - Simon and how he’ll get out of the Seelie Queen’s grasp, Maia’s and Bat’s growing connection. I miss this show already, I want to know everything!

9. Can you give us a sneak peek to what you’re writing next? Or at least any hints to what’s to come?

I tend to jump between ideas quite a lot and I like keeping them under wraps, so no sneak peeks from me! But as I’m looking at my to-write list, I can tell you to expect more domesticity, more canon fics with a sprinkle of aus and/or meet-cutes. The one I’m working on right now involves immortal husbands, pretty countrysides and a title inspired by one specific French song, maybe you can even guess which one it is?

10. Do you have advice for anyone who might be interested in writing fan fiction?

First - don't be afraid to start and second - keep going even if you don't feel like it. Writing good fan fiction takes a lot of trial and error as well as practice. My first fics were all around awkwardly written and as I continued with different ideas, I did get better. When it comes to finding the right balance for characters, it's good to read well-characterized fic from other writers plus meta posts as those tend to give an explained look into the character's personality. And if you're not sure about something, don't hesitate to ask others, just don't give up.

11. Does having English as a second language challenge you as a writer?

In some ways, yes. Although since I’ve been using English for about sixteen years of my life, it’s become almost like an extension of my thoughts. That doesn’t mean I don’t get things wrong, because I do, mostly in the department of grammar (all those pesky rules). Some words or expressions don’t translate well (or even don’t exist) in both languages, so as someone bilingual I have to maneuver my way around those obstacles either by looking through a thesaurus or a dictionary (I always have those two open when I write). Yet, beside grammatical nuances, strange expressions that make no sense when translated from Polish, and confusing words, the worst thing about being bilingual is forgetting the word I want to use in both languages at once. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy!

[meraenthusiast]

8 Easy Steps To Get Your Life Together (Financially)

How to Get Your Life Together (Financially)

[Editor’s Note: Today’s article in a guest post from Michael Dinich who blogs over at Your Money Geek.  He’s worked in the personal finance industry since 1999, where he helped families plan for retirement, reduce taxes, eliminate unnecessary expenses, and plan their estates.]

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In adulting 101, we learn that success in life is as simple as following a few memes. As if the only thing standing between you and conquering the world is believing in yourself and the application of a Dale Carnegie quote.

With no disrespect to Buzzfeed and their 27 simple ways to get your life together, memes are not going to pay the bills. While I’m at it, the real world doesn’t care how special your mom thinks you are or that you have a fancy business school degree.

If the economy heads into a recession or the market takes a nosedive, you may go from being a valued “family member” at work to an expendable line item.

Sometime after adulting 101, we learn that life’s hard, so you better work on your options. Now, before you think this is some tough-love approach, let me preface that I don’t care if you made mistakes in the past. We have all made mistakes, lots and lots of them.

However, New Years’ resolution time is just around the corner, and every year millions of American pledge to save more or get out of debt. Unfortunately, most fall short of their resolutions, so here is the ultimate guide to financially getting your shit together. (Finally.)

8 Steps to Get Your Life Together (Financially)

1. Budget

I understand that the need to budget isn’t a groundbreaking discovery. Personal finance bloggers have beaten the subject to death. A budget, even if it’s just a crude listing of all your expenses and income on a piece of scrap paper, is essential to get your finances in order.

Just ask Dave Ramsey as this is one of the cornerstones he teaches in his 7 Baby Steps to Financial Freedom.

You do not need to use a fancy software program or excel budget template, although they do help. Grab a notebook or some paper, gather up all your monthly bills, and write down how much you spend each month.

Don’t cheat yourself, guess, or play games with rounding and estimates. Most people find that when they write out a realistic budget, they are surprised where some of their money is going.

A colleague of mine in financial planning once did a budget with a married couple who couldn’t manage to save enough money despite having excellent salaries. Once they did a budget to see where all the money was really going, the wife found out the husband was keeping a woman on the side. So, you never know what a budget might uncover.

Finding Budgeting Help

If you feel you need help putting together a budget for whatever reason, we highly recommend Facet Wealth. Facet is a financial planning firm whose advisors are all Certified Financial Planners (CFPs). Facet Wealth charges a monthly fee that depends on the complexity of the work they do for you.

Their CFP’s are all salary based, meaning they don’t earn a commission or fee for selling products. They offer a free initial phone call, and the costs, if you choose to hire them, are incredibly reasonable, with fees as low as $40 monthly.

Recommendations

PocketSmith is a personal finance software solution that can let you track all of your accounts, such as checking, credit cards, student loans, and investing accounts, and forecast your financial future at a glance.

BillShark negotiates lower prices on your monthly bills to save you time, money, and hassle.

Facet wealth is a subscription-based financial planning firm that can help you with all aspects of getting your financial life organized for a reasonable monthly fee.

2. Trim the Budget

Once you have a sense of where your money is going, its time to look for ways to save money. Now, I’m not going to ask you to give up the fun stuff, at least not at first. Instead, I want you to focus on the items you might be overpaying for that don’t bring you any joy.

Most households waste money without even realizing it. According to Nerdwallet, “More than one in three Americans haven’t compared costs or checked the price of their [auto] policy in at least three years.”

The average family could save $400 a year by comparison shopping, just their auto insurance policies.

However, it doesn’t stop there; the average family needlessly spends over 100 dollars on cable. If you have high-speed internet, you can save 50 dollars a month or more going with a live TV streaming service.

When I was working with individuals with modest incomes saving for retirement, we often found that they were overpaying for homeowners’ insurance, life insurance, auto insurance, taxes, utilities, and phone/cable/internet.

By comparison shopping these services, the average family can save an additional thousand dollars or more per year.

Recommendations

Auto Insurance: Gabi is a full-service, online advisor who compares all your insurance options to find you the right policy, all in under two minutes.

Home/Renters: Lemonade offers renters and home insurance powered by tech and driven by social good.

3. Refinance for Better Rates

Being in debt sucks, but it’s often a necessary and unfortunate reality for many. While the goal should be freedom from debt and only use cash until you can eliminate it, you need to be wise about debt.

One of the essential steps in financially getting your life together is tackling both your credit scores and your debt. Poor credit scores and debt can often form a vicious cycle conspiring to keep you in the hamster wheel of continually borrowing.

Poor credit scores drive up the cost of borrowing, making it harder to pay off debt and save. Additionally, being in debt can throw off your utilization ratios, lowering your score.

If that’s not bad enough, the more credit you have, the higher the odds are of you being late with a payment, either as an honest oversight or because you don’t have enough emergency funds to cover your debt during an emergency.

To break the debt and credit cycle, we need to do two things simultaneously; improve your credit scores, and refinance at lower rates. Then rinse and repeat the process until you have the best possible interest rates and credit scores that are in tip-top shape.

There are a few steps you may take to improve your credit score:

1) Request a copy of your credit score to determine what might be pulling it down. You will need to pull your score and report from all three bureaus as there can be some differences between them.

2) Challenge any blatant inaccuracies; if some of the data is incorrect on your report, make sure you contact the agencies to have it corrected. Be sure to follow up regularly, as the credit bureaus are very reluctant to remove the incorrect information unless you send them overwhelming proof.

3) If you have missed payments on your credit reports, reach out to your lenders and ask them for a good faith removal. There are sample letters online; however, your best bet is to write them a personal story. Explain why the payment was late, what steps you are taking to ensure it won’t happen again, and explain to them why improving your credit is so important.

4) Deal with collections and charge offs. If you have a collection record or charge off on your report, call and negotiate a settlement in agreement to remove the offending remark. Many times, companies sell off the uncollected accounts to debt collectors for pennies on the dollar. These debt agencies will often take a reduced payment and remove the remark if you negotiate with them.

5) The length of your credit history plays a role in your credit history, so use caution when closing out old credit cards. If you have an old credit card from college, consider leaving it open as opposed to closing it out.

6) Watch your utilization ratio; ideally, you want to keep your credit card balances below 30% of the credit limit. However, if you’re just getting started on paying off debt, that might not be a possibility yet. At a minimum, try to keep your balance below 80% of your limits and pay extra attention to ensure that you don’t go over your limit with interest and fees.

Tip: If you are pulling your credit reports daily or weekly, keep an eye on what dates your lender reports to the bureaus. Many lenders report on certain days each month and knowing when your lender reports can help you time payments and purchases to improve your ratios.

If you have a small business or side business, work on separating your personal and business credit. Separating these will not only potentially help improve your scores, but it will also help shield your finances if something goes wrong with your business.

As you are working on improving your credit scores, work with lenders on refinancing your debt with more favorable terms. Keep an eye on improving your cash flow and lowering your interest rate. Avoid adding to the length of your loans if possible, also don’t let banks or lenders talk you into shorter loans if you can’t swing the monthly payments.

In the following steps, we are going to discuss creating a plan to pay down debt, but please try to avoid the urge to pay your debt down too aggressively. Right now, focus on freeing up money each month in your budget.

Recommendations

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Credible is an online marketplace that provides borrowers with competitive, personalized loan offers from multiple, vetted lenders in real-time.

4. Become Bazooka Proof

I had a Sgt. In the Army, who used to say, “a plan that’s bulletproof isn’t good enough, a plan needs to be bazooka proof.” When it comes to getting your finances in order, I think there is a lot of truth to that saying.

We all know we need an emergency fund; the problem is most people’s emergency funds are woefully inadequate, barely BB gun proof.

Money guru, Dave Ramsey, recommends that you only need an emergency fund of 1000 dollars. Just 1000?

Most people’s insurance policies have a thousand-dollar deductible.

The sad reality is $1000 doesn’t buy much today, a car repair can easily cost 1500 or more. If your kids get sick or need dental work or the family pet needs to go to the vet, $1000 likely won’t cover it. So, what do most Americans do? They whip out the plastic or sign up for financing and get back on the debt hamster wheel

If you want to get out of debt and stay out of debt, you need a real financial disaster survival plan that ensures that the first bump in the road doesn’t send you back into debt.

So how do we stop the vicious cycle of yo-yo debt repayment?

First, we need to come to terms with the debt. It sucks, it happened, now “let the past die.” Don’t let shame and embarrassment put you on a shaky foundation. If you try to pay off debt too quickly without adequate precautions, you are likely to end up back in debt.

So instead of worrying about how some financial blogger was able to pay off massive amounts of debt in .32 seconds, I want you to allow yourself to pay down your debt in a slower, more sustainable fashion.

If you created a budget, trimmed some expenses, and refinanced your debt, hopefully, you found some extra money. Initially, you should take all the money that you have discovered and stick it in your emergency fund, even if it means just paying the minimum on your debt for a few months.

Ideally, you should funnel all your extra cash into your emergency fund until you have a minimum of one month of expenses plus two thousand dollars in your emergency fund. So, if your monthly payments are 3k a month, then your minimum emergency fund should be 5k. (3k + 2k.)

Once you hit your minimum emergency fund goal, you can then start paying extra money towards your debt. However, as you are paying down debt, you should continue to add money each month to your emergency fund. Remember, the goal is to get out of the debt trap eventually, and it will never happen if you don’t have adequate cash reserves.

If you can get out of debt forever, will it matter if it takes six months to a year longer to ensure the plan works?

Note: If you have so much debt that it is causing problems in your relationships, holding back your career, or realistically you can’t support the payments even with trimming, please talk with an attorney or financial counselor about your options.

Building a financial disaster financial plan is not just about saving a few bucks for a rainy day. Real preparedness isn’t just about hoarding some supplies. It’s about building your options and becoming self-sufficient. While you are working on amassing an emergency fund, you should also be focusing on building up your resume, career growth, networking, and even building up some passive income or side hustles.

Cover Your Assets

Let’s face it, the world is a dangerous place, and you need to protect yourself. No one ever expects to get in an accident, get sick, or even divorced, but life has a way of throwing you curve balls when you least expect it.

Sure, we can’t plan for every contingency, but you can give yourself a fighting chance by taking a few precautions.

Estate Planning and Pre/Postnuptial agreements, if you are married, getting married, or will never marry, or you have kids, don’t have kids, of will never have kids, you need to get your estate planning documents in order, there really is no excuse not to have a will at the very minimum.

Get Health Insurance!!!! One of the leading causes of bankruptcy in America is medical debt. If you don’t have access to an employer-sponsored plan, either pick up an ACA policy or use a program like Christian Healthcare Ministries. You might save your assets.

5. Don’t Skip Saving for Retirement to Pay Debt

This advice is going to seem a bit counter-cultural but stay with me on this. Skipping saving for retirement to pay down debt is potentially a huge mistake.

Why?… I’m glad you asked!

One word – taxes. Believe it or not, Uncle Sam wants you to retire someday. That way, young people can have your job. Additionally, Uncle Sam would prefer during that retirement that they didn’t have to support you.

So, to keep you out of the treasury’s coffers at old age, they have come up with some pretty attractive incentives that pay you cash for saving for retirement. Follow Uncle Sam’s rules, and you will receive a few bucks to squirrel away each year for your future self.

The government is so worried about you getting your financial life together; they will match your retirement savings up to 50% or more. That means if you squirrel away just one thousand dollars, the government could give you a free 500 dollars. The program is called the Retirement Savers Credit, and it is one of several tax credits from the government that could pay you thousands of extra dollars a year.

Unless you took out your student loans from Vinny the loan shark, I find it hard to imagine a situation where you’re best served by leaving free money from the government on the table. If you qualify for the retirement savers credit, toss 1k into your retirement account and use the 500 dollars to pay down debt.

What would you rather have; 1k less debt, or 1k in savings and $500 in less debt? The choice is clear. Before you go crazy paying down debt, spend a bit of time with a tax pro and optimize your tax return.

6. Get Help

Sometimes when you are in the middle of a situation, it is hard to see the bigger picture. Sometimes, it helps to have a partner that can offer some objectivity and accountability in helping you reach your goals.

The financial services industry has evolved past the days of selling stocks and mutual funds for a commission or merely managing assets. Today fee-based financial advisors are taking a more holistic look at finances and can help you budget and reduce expenses.

Today’s advisors can help you reduce insurance costs, save money in taxes, and assist with some of the more complicated financial decisions such as paying off debt or investing, or funding a Roth IRA or traditional retirement account.

Since most advisors offer an initial consultation for free, there is no risk in hearing a few out and finding out what might be possible. Chances are they may have a unique perspective of new ideas to help you reach your goals.

As we said earlier, our top choice for financial advice is Facet Wealth. Every client has their own salaried CFP assigned to them. They have a great team committed to acting in your best interest at a fee you can afford.

7. Get Financially Lit

I’m not talking about that lit; I am talking about getting excited about financial literacy. If you want to get your financial life together, you have to increase your financial IQ. Once you have your budget under control and you tamed the debt demons, its time to start investing.

Reading this blog and other personal finance blogs is an excellent start to increasing your financial IQ and picking up some budget hacks. However, the best way to fire up your financial IQ is to immerse yourself in as much great financial content as possible. We are huge fans of the Morning Brew newsletter; it’s free and only takes a few minutes each morning to read.

Plus, it’s pretty cool stumping your co-workers with financial trivial around the water cooler.

8. Work on Your Options

It is critical now more than ever that you work on becoming financially free. The days of working for a company and retiring at 65 with a Rolex and a pension are long gone. Additionally, the chances of younger members of Gen X and Millennial generations seeing any of that Social Security money is quite slim.

The reality is that previous generations mortgaged our future with reckless monetary policy and deficit spending. The cost of which will be footed by Gen Xers and millennials. We can sit around and point fingers and wage partisan politics, but the reality is if you’re in your twenties and thirties, you’re on your own, and you’d better get your act together. Uncle Sam and his quasi-government half brother, The Fed, are about tapped out in the bailout department.

If you want to enjoy more life with less stress and anxiety, you should start working on financial freedom (FIRE). What is financial freedom? Everyone defines it a bit differently, but I like to think of it as having enough money saved that if things go south at work, you could walk away without a second thought and be ok financially.

You don’t necessarily need to have enough money to retire, although that should be the long term goal. Financial freedom might mean that you have enough saved up that you can semi-retire or afford to take a lower-paying, less stressful job. It’s an essential step on the path to becoming financially independent.

Getting Your Life Together

Don’t become another failed New Years’ resolution statistic. There is no better time than the present to get your finances together. Getting organized and becoming financially free isn’t about giving up what you enjoy or delaying satisfaction. It’s about being as efficient as possible with your money and avoiding wasting money on things that don’t bring joy into your life.

This article was originally published on The Money Mix and has been republished with permission.

The post 8 Easy Steps To Get Your Life Together (Financially) appeared first on Debt Free Dr..

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[allmymisters]

For the Love of Moving Forward

This is a little late, but not really. Chinese New Year celebrations just ended. While the rest of the politically correct world rants and roars about the rights and wrongs of races in America, I don’t ever get a Happy New Year come Chinese New Year because nobody sees me as Asian. This is my grandfather, Bonifacio Lee. I’m not sure of his background, but know he was indeed Chinese. It has been very difficult connecting with this part of my family tree. My family is quite keen on keeping the skeletons in closets locked up. It is the only image I have of my grandfather. The only history I know of him is that he was a Chinese professor teaching in Panama where he met my grandmother, Josefina Peñalba. The two married and proceeded to have 15 children. Yeah, I know. My dad is one of 10. Both my parents are the youngest of their siblings. The story goes like this, my grandparents went to China during the 50s and while there, the war broke out. They called all Panamanian citizens back and as my family fled, my grandfather was shot in his collarbone. They made the trip back to Panama. My mother was born shortly after. The bullet was never removed from his collarbone and it resulted in relentless pain which was relieved by the numbing effects of alcohol and eventually, ironically, a self-induced bullet. My mother tells me of stories of seeing his ghost working in the yard and how the dinner table would end up turned over as they prayed for him. I’ve always loved history and my own family has been a mystery for quite some time. I have a thing with lack of closure.

In 2003, on my birthday, 16 years ago, I had received a birthday card from one of my best friends. The card stated very promptly that our friendship was over and no details of why such an action had to be taken. Fast forward to 2017, where once again, my best friend broke up with me for reasons unknown. Both of these times created great anxiety in me due to lack of closure or conversation. The biggest non-closure of my life was getting divorced without ever speaking about it. Sure, there were specific facts that lead to such things, but I have yet to have a conversation as to why these things actually occurred. I don’t know if you know what that feels like? It gnaws at you. I don’t care why people dismiss me or not, it’s the conversation that never took place that bugs me.

So, here I am in 2019, and it’s the Year of the Earth Pig. It is the end of a cycle if you know anything about lunar calendars and its zodiac. The pig is the last to win the race, thus its position. It is slow to say the least, but also a very wealthy year is in the works. As with all new years, I write a letter to the world. It basically gives all my well wishes and happy holidays to the people in my social network, work, friends, family, etc., etc. Every year I set new goals. Some are reached by December 31st and some bleed into the next year. This past year was particularly full of ups and downs, personally and occupationally.

I had started off the year strong with real estate. I love my work. I love that I can be creative and talk to people and mostly help others. In celebration of my 45th birthday in last February, I decided to add yet another skill to my palette, Real Estate Agent. I figured if I’m going to be in this business, I’m going to be in it to win it. So now, I am doing three different jobs, freelance work, and waiting tables twice a week, and yet, I still struggle to pay bills or eat sometimes. I don’t think I’ll ever get it. I don’t think I’ll ever be that person who buys a new car or gets to find the perfect fit jeans. I honestly think my sole purpose in life is to work a myriad of different jobs and never financially succeed and becoming 45 was challenging. You women know what I speak of for sure. I’ve never felt so bad about my physicality before. I had the worse anxiety of my life this year. My first panic attack. My first missed period in a lifetime and well, it has come to my attention that, yes, yes I’ve just about completed any hopes for future humans. I don’t fit in my clothes. It hurts to wear heels. I have a hard time keeping my balance most days. It is a very debilitating experience that they don’t tell you in health class. Sorry, for the realness, but hey, I just want to give a fist up to my sisters. I however can relish in the success of getting hit on while playing Trivia Crack. There are a lot of bored husbands out there!

There is no worse thing for me than the feeling of being unsettled. I felt this past year was a bunch of rushing around and a lot of hurry up and waiting. I felt like I was being pulled, pushed, and hurried for everything while feeling quite stuck. I’m looking around the house at the unfinished hutch, the still unopened boxes, and last week’s laundry waiting to be folded. I mean, have you ever felt like you were literally unmoved? So, that’s all the bad stuff, well that and of course death which seemed unruly and unsuspected more times than I can count. I had a lot of unfinished business in 2018.

Finally, the present. Sunday, I turned 46. It was the most uneventful birthday of my life. I’m not saying that because I’m upset about it, but because it truly had no fanfare. A simple dinner at moms, a small gathering of friends, and a lot of HBD’s on my Facebook feed. It was a lowkey transition to say the least. I’ve been sick for quite a number of days which is unusual in and of itself. I keep freaking myself out with the fright of the possibility of getting pneumonia and dying. That’s my thought process these days, “Oh my god, what is that feeling, do I have cancer?” It’s all eminent. I will say, as February approached, the heavy weight I felt of the last year seem to lift. I have more direction right now and focus which I didn’t have in 2018, what was unstuck has become loosened.

So I come back to closure. Just as I’m trying to figure out the history of my genome, I’m also trying to do what the kids and that Marie Kondo are doing, tidying up. Getting rid of the weight of clutter that has commanded and influenced my physical and mental states. It has not been easy for this greeting card saving, ticket stub framing kinda gal. I’ve been holding on for dear life the life I used to live and realize I cannot do that anymore and why should I? That’s the real question. Why don’t I deserve closure?

To part with history is to part with a limb for me. Amongst the dated wine corks, cards, and matchbooks, I find that bond starting to fade. I can’t say I like it, it’s very uncomfortable, often times I find myself hyperventilating at the thought. It does make me sad to know that what once was will never be again. Living in the past is what has gotten me into the future and now the past wants to say goodbye and I’m not sure i know how to handle that. I feel like if I let go of it, it’s me giving me up. Then there’s the other side of that. Isn’t it time for me to be happy on my own? How long do I have to live with feeling guilty for my decisions? Have I not been true and honest? I feel like I have, but I feel like it’s not without judgement. I feel like I’m done waiting to be invited. I don’t need to have that validation anymore, yet it still hurts. I’ve only got so many olive branches and most of them are ill deserved. I think I’m just one of those people that needs to have that conclusion, kinda like when someone breaks up with me, I need to know why?

I never thought at 46 I would be growing a new branch, but I will say for the first time in a really long time, it feels good and right. You know when you are looking for a house and you’ve gone to a million of them, all great houses, all with things you want in them, yet there’s one in particular that when you walk in, it showers you with “YESSSSS! This is home”. You can’t explain it, but it just feels like it fits and that’s where I am today, something I want to do, just fits. I have a tendency to get stuck in a routine. I’m a fixed being. I feel most comfortable when I have this continuous realm, but I also crave change. It’s very conflicting. My days are quite quoted with work, home, family, etc, and it terrifies me, like in one of those Twilight Zone kind of ways. But, something happened in January and I’m rolling with it. Some sort of energy has come out of nowhere and gotten me off my ass mentally. Then, yesterday, as I walked into WaWa contemplating a sub and Cheetos, I saw the blinking dots of an awaited answer to ‘what’s for dinner’. As I looked up towards the back door, the face was familiar, but somehow seeing my Mister randomly catch my eye in unsuspecting manner, made me smile. It made me happy. He wasn’t walking in the front door of our home. I wasn’t meeting him at the bar. It was just this moment of “Hello, stranger.” And in that moment I remembered this is my new beginning and we both just walked in at the same time feeling the same way.

So, although my life is full of shut doors full of undisclosed information, this year I’m choosing the door in front of me and opening it up wide. Why should I wait for others to come to terms with their baggage when I can move on free of mine. Happy Year of the Pig, it’s going to be sweet and slow and an end to the 60 year cycle. I’m planning on rolling around in the mud on this one and collecting the wealth it brings.