#(fritz who died in my arms and was sick for days and would only eat cause i was crying who would sleep on my pillow and wheeze and wheeze)

[elle-chat]

wtf.

[alienheartattack]

To All Of Us, From 2000 Years Ago

I got so mad about 139 and the leaks that I banged out my own 3000+ word ending to the manga today. Please keep in mind that this is a non-shipping story. Although I’ve exclusively written Rivamika before, this is not a Rivamika story, and although there’s an Eren/Mikasa scene at the beginning. there is no relationship between them, only the implication of feelings that are not quite reciprocated. I also threw some Levi fan service in there because why the hell not?

CW: There are references to and non-detailed descriptions of rape in this story.

You can also read this on AO3!

"You know what you have to do," Eren says. Mikasa pretends not to hear him over the rush of the little creek they're sitting by so he says it again, louder.

"I know," she sighs. "Even now, knowing that you've done something so unforgivable, a part of me doesn't want to."

"You're a good person, Mikasa. You'll be even better without me."

She snorts a laugh. "I've killed people, too. Just not as many as you did."

"You always had the weirdest sense of humor." Eren puts an arm around her, presses a kiss to her cheek. "I'm going to miss it." That's what finally brings him to tears, the thought of not seeing Mikasa again. Or Armin. Or Connie, or Jean, or Captain Levi, even the rest of them. He's had plenty of time to accept that he'd die at nineteen, was always going to die at nineteen, but now that the moment has arrived he wants to hold on just a bit longer.

Mikasa doesn't cry, at least not the way he expects her to. Tears stream down her face but she doesn't sniffle, doesn't sob, doesn't rage or scream the way she’s done in the past. He sees them both, Mikasa the girl and Mikasa the soldier, perfectly coexisting in the inky blackness of her eyes. She has made her decision. She made it before she even stepped into the mouth of the Titan.

"Kiss me one last time," Eren weeps. "Please."

"Okay," she nods, cupping his face with one hand and leaning in close. "See you later, Eren."

When Mikasa pulls away from his lips, the deed is already done. His severed head feels sickeningly heavy in her blood-stained hands. His eyes gaze beyond her, beyond the veil of this world, clouded with the knowledge of the void. The Titan around her begins to disintegrate in plumes of white steam. Mikasa swears she can smell wildflowers.

"Mikasa Ackerman," a girl's voice echoes. Mikasa whips her head around, looking for the source of the sound. Someone seems to materialize from the steam, swirling eddies of smoke coalescing in the form of a small girl, scraggly blond hair falling into her eyes, barefoot in a dirty white dress. Her face is blank, her eyes downcast.

"Ymir," Mikasa says, the name forming in her mouth before she can think of it.

Ymir nods, then points to Eren's head. "You loved him. Why did you kill him?"

"I had to."

"Why?"

"Because some things are more important than my love." Ymir stares blankly, seemingly confused. "The millions of people who died are more important. The world is more important. Besides, what kind of person would I be to stand beside someone who could slaughter so many people so senselessly?"

"You… don't love him?" The little girl blinks quickly, white lids snapping over black eyes. Something about it seems inhuman, wrong somehow. Mikasa cannot help but think of insects.

A tear falls from her face and lands on Eren’s, snaking a trail down his cheek as though he'd shed it himself. "I can never forget what he did and I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive him for it, but I'll always love Eren."

"You wouldn't die for him?"

Mikasa answers without hesitation. "Never."

Ymir's gaze snaps up to Mikasa's, and she feels sick from what she sees in the girl's odd, dark eyes: a hunger, almost starvation, for the scraps of affection Karl Fritz would throw at her; a longing to be treated well, to be fussed over and doted on and adored. Ymir would close her eyes and dream of a shining, beautiful man when the king held her down and fucked her, made her recoil, made her bleed, beat her when she cried out or complained of the pain. She carved out a space in her mind for him where she sculpted him into her ideal. Sometime between that first bloody night and the day the assassin's spear pierced her chest she invented a Karl Fritz out of whole cloth, a man whose cold entreaties and brutal assaults were proof of his undying love.

Mikasa sees these things from Ymir’s eyes, feels the bruises forming on her back, the tearing and bleeding between her legs, the rotted wine breath of Karl Fritz in her mouth.

"I would never have jumped in front of that spear," she says, more confident than she’s ever felt. "I wouldn't even have considered it." Ymir frowns, cocks her head like she's trying to understand. "You thought you were doing the right thing, but you protected a man who never loved you. You laid down your life for a man who forced your daughters to consume your body. He didn't even mourn you."

A flash of anger contorts Ymir's face. Her eyes dart around wildly, turning Mikasa's words over in her mind. "But he loved me," she insists.

"Did he ever tell you he loved you? Or did he treat you like a slave?" Mikasa's voice wavers at the word slave, at the memory of Eren screaming at her across that restaurant table; the moment her wall of denial came crumbling down. No matter what his plan was, it became clear that day that he would step on any of them to achieve it. She had no idea how true that assessment would become, millions of bodies crushed into the contaminated earth beneath the feet of Eren’s Titans.

She wonders if things would have happened differently if he'd just admitted once that he loved her.

"You are free," she tells Ymir. "You choose your own destiny. I am free, and I chose mine."

Ymir says nothing, her eyes luminous with tears, and then dissipates into the smoke. Mikasa is vaguely aware of the wavering steam around her, of Levi flying on Falco's back and pulling her out of the Titan's mouth before everything turns hazy and white.

She can see the scene from two thousand years earlier as clear as though she were there, floating above it all: the crowd come to see King Fritz's speech, the hooded assassin's arm pulling back, the tip of the spear glinting in the daylight. The assassin lets the spear fly, its arc perfectly aimed at the heart of the tyrant. His wife Ymir, older and slimmer than the girl Mikasa met but still with those same sad, black insect eyes, watches in horror as the tip of the spear flies closer and closer; but she does not move, not even when it impales her husband through the chest and the light in his eyes is snuffed out.

In time-lapse, Mikasa sees it all: the accession of Queen Ymir, wise and fair, and the moderate reigns of her three daughters, and their daughters after them. The power of the Titans remains within the royal family, passed down from mother to daughter, a shameful, secret birthright. They create diplomatic ties with other countries, offering succor and counsel, avoiding the path of war so as not to reveal their ultimate power. There is no Great Titan War, no walls, no telepathic manipulation. The world moves forward in fits and starts as it always has, small skirmishes and occasional wars, but the Eldians remain steadfast and committed to peace. Satisfied with Ymir's choice, Mikasa finds herself closing her eyes, opening them for the first time again in the year 835, in her parents' house just outside Shiganshina, as a new doctor pulls her into the world. He is not Grisha Yeager, she notes, and then she forgets who Grisha Yeager is entirely.

In the year 845, there is no Wall Maria for the Colossal Titan to breach, and no Colossal Titan to breach it.

Inside one of the cities in what was once Wall Rose, a history teacher writes notes on a chalkboard before his first class arrives for the day. He draws a crown in the middle of the board and writes the subject of the day's class inside of it: QUEEN YMIR THE WISE. The teacher is startled by a noise behind him; he turns to find one of his students, a shy girl called Sarah, taking a seat at her desk.

"School hasn't started yet," he says. "You're supposed to be outside."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Smith," Sarah replies. "I was looking at a really interesting bug and the other girls started making fun of me."

The teacher nods. "All right, just this once. If you’d like, sometime I could teach you how to stand up to those girls."

Hundreds of miles away, the forests of Dauper ring with the whoops of an exuberant girl, triumphing at having killed her first deer with a bow and arrow she carved herself. She doesn't care that she's scaring the other game away with her commotion, or that she has no idea how she'll lug a hundred-pound carcass all the way back home.

In Trost, a young boy lingers over his breakfast; not because he wants to miss school, but because his mother's omelet is the most delicious thing he's ever eaten and probably ever will eat. His mother ruffles his hair and pinches his round cheek, then gently chides him to eat faster or he’ll be late.

A little boy in Ragako District, a few inches shorter than his friends, demands another explanation of the multiplication tables. He doesn't quite understand the concept, goes blank when his friends try to explain arrays of rows and columns, but he believes that he can pass today's test if he tries hard enough.

Across the sea in Marley, the prosperous Eldian District is strewn with streamers, celebrating the 2000th anniversary of the assassination of the cruel King Fritz. The children have the day off from school and are gathering in the streets, purchasing candy and ice cream from vendor stalls and exchanging them as gifts to celebrate the sweetness of life. A little blond girl receives an extra coin from her father, who tells her to get something special for herself.

A few blocks away, a doctor fills his medical bag and sets off to see his first patient of the day. As he walks through the crowd of happy children, many of whom he’s delivered himself, he hopes that his only son will change his mind and join the family business.

In Mitras, a shopkeeper opens his door for the first time, pausing for a moment in the early morning sunshine to admire the wooden shingle hanging by his doorway, gently swinging in the breeze. It depicts a hand wrapped around a mug of tea, wisps of steam rising into the air above it.

The door opens while he's adjusting the canisters on the shelf behind the counter, making sure their labels face perfectly forward. His heart leaps at the tinkle of the doorbell. He picked the most musical one, the one that made him happiest when he heard it, and he feels very good about his decision.

"Hello, welcome to Ackerman Tea— Mom!" His voice takes on an adolescent whine when he addresses his mother, which makes him feel like a child and impossibly old at the same time, despite his twenty-six years.

"Did you really think I wouldn't be your first customer?" she asks, beaming. "Of course I'm going to come support my sweet boy." Her gaze sweeps over the shop, its walls painted a deep forest green, the mahogany counter polished to a mirror shine. "I'm so proud of you, Levi. You've worked so hard and it shows." Her voice quavers, her eyes filling with tears.

"Moooom," he trills, softer this time, quietly moved. Her presence feels like an auspicious omen, a reminder from the universe that someone will catch him should he fall. "Is there a tea you’re interested in, or would you like me to help you choose? We have more than thirty varieties."

"You've been practicing," his mother notes with a nod.

Levi shrugs off her comment, feeling a bit bashful that she’s noticed his hard work. "I've never been great with people, and this job is nothing but people. At least until I can hire someone to cover the counter while I blend tea in the back."

"You'll get there soon," she says, pulling a few coins from her purse. "Get me something you'd think I'd like."

He thinks for a moment, his brow furrowing in concentration, before his face lights up and he grabs a step-stool to reach a canister of black tea flavored with strawberry and rose. "This one is sweet and floral, but it becomes so much more when you add a bit of milk. You don't even need any sugar."

"Perfect. You even thought about how I take my tea." She places a few coins on the counter, watching her son approvingly as he scoops the tea into a bag, folds it closed with surgical precision, and ties a blue ribbon around it. "You're going to be a success, my love. I know it."

"That makes one of us," he smirks, then scoops the coins into his palm and puts them in the cash register, enjoying the feel of the heavy keys under his fingers, the spring-loaded pressure of the drawer. He hopes he gets to use it many more times today.

"Will you be home for dinner?"

"I should be. I can't imagine people will want to buy tea at night."

"Good," his mother says. "Because now that you're in business, we should talk about finding you a wife."

"MOM!" he exclaims, a furious blush coloring his face.

Further south in Shiganshina, Mikasa sulks as her mother walks her into town, not wanting to leave the safety of her parents' cabin to learn and play with the other children. She is perfectly happy to do chores on the farm, to learn the simultaneously mundane and arcane secrets of coaxing a plant from seed, to throw feed to the chickens and pull weeds in the garden.

"Mikasa, you're ten years old. Your father and I can't teach you everything," her mother says.

"I can learn from books. I don't need to go to school."

"The fact that you're saying that means you need to go. There's more to the world than just our farm, my sweet. You might want to see the world someday."

The little girl huffs. "I doubt it." Her mother simply shakes her head and smiles, ruminating on her daughter’s impending teenage years, a possible hint of rebellion, but finds that hard to imagine. Mikasa is usually a calm, easygoing child, though perhaps a bit too inquisitive and stubborn for her own good.

Mikasa hugs her mother fiercely at the school gate, watching as she turns and walks back up the road that leads to their farm. She’s excited to make new friends and learn new things, but she misses her home more than she ever thought possible. She lets out a soft sigh, then turns to face the crowd of running, yelling children; her new classmates.

She trudges around the grassy schoolyard, dodging groups of kids chasing each other or playing impromptu games. Everyone seems to know each other already; even if she did feel comfortable enough to go up to someone and introduce herself, she has no idea who to approach first.

"Hey! Give that back!" someone screams behind her. Mikasa turns around to see a small blond boy jumping up and down, reaching for a book that a larger boy dangles just above his grasp. The larger boy just laughs at him, taunting him with the book, threatening to tear it from its spine.

Mikasa frowns, balling her fists at her sides, then approaches the boys. "He said to give his book back," she says to the bully. "Give it back."

The bully laughs. "You think you can tell me what to do?"

"I think you should give the book back if you know what's good for you," she snarls, putting her hands on her hips. The bully laughs again and shoves Mikasa out of the way with one hand, making her stumble backwards, tripping over her own feet until she lands on her behind in the dirt. She gets up, dusts herself off, and runs up to the bully, punching him square in the nose. He falls to the ground, dropping the book. Mikasa tosses it to the blond boy. The bully grabs his nose, tears welling in his eyes, and lets out a wail when he sees his hand smeared with blood.

"You leave him alone!" Mikasa threatens, looming over the bully, her dark eyes shining. He scrabbles to his feet and runs away and she lets out a relieved breath, her heart hammering in her chest.

"That was amazing!" the little boy says. When he approaches her, she finds that he's not actually that small, only a few inches shorter than her. "I've never seen you before. Are you new?"

"It's my first day," she replies. "I've lived here all my life but I haven't been to school yet."

"I'm Armin," the boy says. "What's your name?"

"Mikasa."

"That’s an interesting name. Are you from Hizuru?" Armin asks, his eyes wide with curiosity. He holds up his book, a thick, leather-bound tome, A Brief History of Hizuru and the Minor East Sea Islands written in gilt lettering. "My parents told me that the whole country is built around a volcano. A big mountain filled with liquid fire! Well, technically it’s molten rock."

"My mom's family is from Hizuru, but I’ve never been there and I don't know anything about any liquid fire mountains," she says tentatively.

"It's real!" he gushes. "I'm reading about it now. I could tell you about it more at recess if you want. I like to sit under that tree over there." He points off in the distance, at a huge pine tree that shades a corner of the yard. "They're going to ring the bell soon, otherwise I'd tell you now. Volcanoes are so cool. Sometimes they explode and shoot the liquid fire into the sky like a firework."

"Wow!" Mikasa marvels with a smile. "I can’t wait to hear about them."

[zombolouge]

The longest tag ever

Tagged in this by @illneverrecover who is basically my nurse sister and also a blessing and I love her. She didn't technically tag me to do it but I'm sick so I didn't realize that until I was halfway through answering OOPS NOW IM COMMITTED I'm writing this while high on cold meds AND on mobile so pls excuse all abnormal levels of stupidity THE LAST: 1. DRINK: water, THE LIQUID OF LIFE, BLOOD FROM THE SURGING SEAS WHICH SHAPE OUR PLANET WITH TIDES THAT DANCE TO THE RHYTHMS OF THE SULLEN, SILVER MOON. You know, after it's been filtered a bit tho. 2. PHONE CALL: My mom, a week or so ago. I called her to tell her I got tickets to go see Queen in concert because I knew she would appreciate it ^_^ 3. TEXT MESSAGE: my roommate texting me two taco emojis to announce dinner 4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: Oh god I don't remember probably Rush but I'm real high on NyQuil so idk 5. TIME YOU CRIED: Saturday. I cried through the whole first half of the Roger Waters show, ESPECIALLY when they played Wish You Were Here (guys I lost my shit and have no shame it was awesome) HAVE YOU: -6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: nope 7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: yup yup YUP 8. BEEN CHEATED ON: Yes 9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: a person? No. Pet? Yes. Of all the weird tragedy I have dealt with in life, the death of a loved one has been strangely absent 10. BEEN DEPRESSED: YUP 11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: nope LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: 12-14: turquoise, grey, and blue IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU: 15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: Yes! Mostly online tho 16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE: no 17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: Lol I do this most of the time when I GM so yes 18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: yeah, but I don't really care lol 19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: Uh....I don't know I'm not existential enough rn to answer this one 20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: Uh????? I have no idea 21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: Lol I have done no smooching and I don't even know who the fuck is on my Facebook anymore GENERAL: 22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: No idea 23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: three cats: Lucifer, Bubbies, and Fritz 24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: Nah 25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR LAST BIRTHDAY: I got really sweet and lovely gifts from my friends and laid low to let The Accursed Time pass, then I went to take myself out for a steak dinner and watch a live show of MBMBAM. 26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: lol I have slept all day because of the cold so I have no fucking clue 27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: Sleeping 28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: My trip to San Diego in July. I CANNOT WAIT IM VERY EXCITED. 29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: March of 2015 :( 30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: I wish I could spend all day writing. 31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING RIGHT NOW: a toddler giggling bc she's running around naked 32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: Yes...what a weird fucking question tho 33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: Sinus congestion 34. MOST VISITED WEBSITE: probably google idk 35. MOLE/S: I don't think so 36. MARK/S: I have a scar on my knee from skinning it twice in the same spot in the same week, and a scar on my arm where I fell on a fork. Not much else tho 37. CHILDHOOD DREAM: to be remembered 38. HAIRCOLOR: Red. REDHEADS FOR LIFE. 39. LONG OR SHORT HAIR: short 40. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: yes, everyone. I have a crush on everybody and I love you all so much 41. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: that I'm creative and emotional. I like that I experience all my feelings at an 11 42. PIERCINGS: none 43. BLOODTYPE: no idea 44. NICKNAME: Zom 45. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single 46. ZODIAC: Pisces 47. PRONOUNS: she/her 48. FAVORITE TV SHOW: Galavant, Firefly, Eureka, American Gods, Game of Thrones, Grey's Anatomy 49. TATTOOS: none but I have a list of tattoos that I want to get when I have the money 50. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: right 51. SURGERY: none 52. HAIR DYED IN DIFFERENT COLOR: Been dying it red since 8th grade 53. SPORT: I like watching sports with other people that like sports. I don't gravitate to it on my own but love to get into it with other peeps 55. VACATION: I've had a few. I took a trip to Canada last year, and THIS year I'm going to: San Diego, San Francisco, and Japan ^_^ 56. PAIR OF TRAINERS: ...p...Pokémon? MORE GENERAL: 57. EATING: food?? I like buffalo wings. I'm currently eating donuts 58. DRINKING: nothin 59. I’M ABOUT TO: watch the Bachelorette with my roommate and hate on Lee, who is the ghost of a plantation owner given form again. Racist motherfucker 61. WAITING FOR: Saturday, when I get to see Queen in concert 62. WANT: to be able to write for a living 63. GET MARRIED?: sure, if the right person comes along and they want to, but I wouldn't lose my shit if they didn't 64. CAREER: I am a Microsoft slave by day and writer by night. I look forward to the day when it's just "writer of all kinds" WHICH IS BETTER 65. HUGS OR KISSES: BOTH AND YOU CAN NEVER MAKE ME CHOOSE 66. LIPS OR EYES: eyes 67. SHORTER OR TALLER: I’m very short and I'm attracted to very tall because the tol and smol aesthetic must be adhered to 68. OLDER OR YOUNGER: older, but age is just a number. It depends more on who they are not how old they are. 70. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: uh...I'm gonna go with personality. 71. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: both us goid 72. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: Lol I equate physical affection with my emotional attachment so hookups are a BAD SCENE for me. Relationship pls 73. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: depends on how much wine I've had HAVE YOU EVER: 74. KISSED A STRANGER: No. 75. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: ye boi 76. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: No, but I've only been wearing glasses for a year or so 77. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: yup 78. SEX IN THE FIRST DATE: No 79. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: Yes 80. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: YUP 81. BEEN ARRESTED: NOPE 82. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: yeah 83. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: lol YUP DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 84. YOURSELF: when I can get my brain to shut up for long enough, yeah 85. MIRACLES: maybe 86. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: Yes 87. SANTA CLAUS: No 88. KISS IN THE FIRST DATE: yes 89. ANGELS: Uh...idk??? No idea man OTHER: 90. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME: I'm so not gonna pick and choose, I have a few best friends 91. EYE COLOR: green :) 92. FAVORITE MOVIE: The Last Unicorn There I did it even tho nobody wanted this IF YOU WANT TO DO IT CONSIDER YOURSELF TAGGED BC I LOVE YOU. YES, YOU. YOU DON'T THINK I MEAN YOU, BUT I DEFINITELY DO.