#(i mean dont get me wrong ive gone hungry before and can do it again but

[agayconcept]

.

[dyaz-stories]

“you’re the only delivery person who gets to my house in any semblance of the word fast which is why i keep requesting you but you don’t believe me and tease me constantly about it” AU

AU by @dailyau and @demineil. Enjoy!

Modern AU, Inukag and Mirsan, crack-ish I guess. Just a short little something because I liked this idea ^-^

Word count: 1,636

Kagome practically jumped when she heard her stomach grumbling. In a daze, she looked at her computer screen, glancing at the time for the first time that day.

10 p.m.

Shit. When was the last time I ate? I don’t remember eating at noon… Did I even eat this morning? Oh, mom is going to kill me if I lose any more weight!

But more importantly (though ‘murder by Mama Higurashi’ was pretty bad) she was so hungry it hurt. Food. Now. She needed to it. She got to her feet and walked in her kitchen, only to find it painfully empty. Riiiight, she hadn’t gone out all week because she was working on that never-ending thesis. She cursed inwardly. Looked like she had to order some food, again, but quickly because otherwise she was going to faint.

She grabbed her phone. She knew just where to call, but…

She hesitated briefly before shaking her head and dialing the number of the closest pizza place.

“Hello, Shikon Pizza here, what can I do for you?” the elderly voice of Kaede greeted her.

Kagome smiled in relief. She liked it better when it was Kaede — the other woman who picked up the phone, Kikyo, was terribly intimidating.

“Hi, it’s Kagome Higurashi, I was hoping I could…”

“Of course, Kagome,” Kaede interrupted her fondly. “I’ll take care of everything. I suppose you want me to send Inuyasha?”

Kagome closed her eyes. She could already feel herself blushing. But the truth was, at least Inuyasha was fast as hell. Kaede was terribly slow (but why did a woman that age insist on riding a bike anyway?) and Kikyo wasn’t particularly fast either, while Inuyasha had the advantage of his demonic speed.

“Yes please,” she mumbled.

“Then consider it done!”

Kagome sighed as the old woman hung up. She glanced at her clothes and frowned, stepping into her room to get dressed. Not that there was much of a point at this time of day, but at least that would be one less thing Inuyasha would comment on.

The first time, he had been unbelievably rude to her, and she had promised herself she would never, under any circumstances, have him again. She had even taken the time to write herself a note to ask for someone else.

Unfortunately, situations like this night were becoming more and more common as her deadline got closer, and the time right after, she had actually asked Kaede if she could send him. He had gotten there incredibly quickly, and well, she was fucking hungry.

He had been even more rude that time, with a hint of confusion behind it though, and Kagome had sworn, again, that he wouldn’t be back.

But, again, her stomach had won that battle.

The third time, he had been much more intrigued and almost defensive. That had been easier — she had been able to get rid of him fast and to eat.

Afterwards, though, it hadn’t been that easy. He had started doing that thing where he towered over her a little more, and he grinned (which tended to let his fangs appear and for some reason she loved that), and his voice got deeper and somewhat sultry and then how was she supposed to focus on her thesis when her senses were filled with him and and and ugh.

Yes, she thought he was handsome. His golden eyes, particularly, filled her dreams, but his white hair, cut short, and his lovely dog ears didn’t leave her indifferent either. Maybe, some other time, she would even have asked him out.

But she had work to do. She really, really couldn’t get into anything right now, much less in a relationship with a moody, though terribly attractive, man. She was sighing heavily when she heard the doorbell.

She glanced at her clock in disbelief — how does he do that? — then walked, maybe a little too fast, to open it.

Sure enough, there he was, with a smug smile, and looking at her like he was going to devour her whole.

Honestly, she’d let him.

If she didn’t have a thesis to finish.

“Hungry?” he practically purred, holding out the pizza.

Oh, if only he knew.

She reached out, only to have him put it out of her reach. She rolled her eyes.

“Starving, actually,” she replied, annoyed. “I haven’t eaten all day. Could you…?”

“Sure thing,” he answered, waiting for her to get her money.

“You’re the fastest delivery man around,” she mumbled, feeling her cheeks burning any way. She wasn’t too sure why she always got the need to justify herself. Maybe she didn’t want him to think she was desperate girl, doing everything she could to get a chance to hit on him. Maybe she was trying to convince herself, because she genuinely enjoyed seeing him.

“Yeah, you say that every time,” Inuyasha answered, his voice dryer than it usually was.

She looked up at him and noticed his frown, but more importantly, the way his ears drooped a little.

Oh, no. She didn’t want that. It hurt her more than she had expected and she hated it and…

“I have a thesis to finish,” she blurted out.

“Oh?” Inuyasha asked, cocking an eyebrow. His ears perked up just a little, and even though Kagome was terribly embarrassed at this point, she swallowed and kept going.

“The deadline’s really close and that’s all I’ve been doing.”

“Oh.”

“So I really don’t have time for anything right now.”

This time, Inuyasha gave her a toothy grin, and for a second, she wondered about how his fangs would feel against her skin if— Your thesis, Kagome.

“But after that…”

“Yeah?” Inuyasha leaned in. Being taller than her, he was easily towering over her, and the closer he got, the harder it got to think and be coherent.

“After that, I’ll be free.”

“Huh,” he said. “But that’ll take you a while.”

She breathed in deeply as he got closer, one of his clawed hands toying with her hair.

“I mean, it’d be nice if I got, I dunno… A reason to wait.”

Kagome blinked. Despite herself, images of her giving Inuyasha an embroidered handkerchief passed in her mind. Ugh, this thesis was killing her. She never wanted to hear about Feudal Era, whether it was in Japan or in Europe, ever again.

She bit her lip, eliciting an almost immediate growl of Inuyasha. “What do you have in mind?”

He took that as a permission. He crashed his mouth on hers, and he smiled when he heard her sigh desperately. She got on her tiptoes to try to get as close to him as possible, their bodies reacting almost desperately to the other’s embrace.

Way too soon, Inuyasha stepped back, leaving her with weak knees.

“If you need some distraction ’til you finish your thing, you’ll know where to find me,” he said, his words teasing but his voice letting on more of his emotions.

Kagome nodded wordlessly.

“But then I’ll want you all for myself.”

Oh. Oh God.

She wanted to finish that stupid thing more than ever.

“It’s so nice to meet you Kagome!” Inuyasha’s best friend, Miroku, hold out his hand while his girlfriend, Sango, gave her a bright smile. “We’ve been so curious about you!”

“Miroku’s a real gossip,” Inuyasha told her with a frown.

He looked all grumpy, but Kagome knew he’d been dying to introduce her to his friends, and at the same time, terribly stressed to do so. She had come to see that that was very like him. He would always act annoyed when he was afraid something would go wrong, at the risk of making it go wrong that way.

“How did you two meet?” Sango asked. “Inuyasha wouldn’t tell us!”

“I had a very good reason,” he growled.

“Oh, well you see, Inuyasha was the delivery guy and I always requested him because he was the fastest one…”

“Sure you did,” Inuyasha said, grinning, but Sango couldn’t help but notice how fond his smile was.

“I did,” Kagome sighed. “I swear. Anyway, after a while…”

“The seventh time she requested me, actually,” Inuyasha corrected her.

“You counted?”

At that he only responded with a ‘Keh!’ and looked away, with maybe the smallest of blush on his cheeks, and it was only Sango’s foot furiously crashing Miroku’s that stopped him from commenting ‘Oh how adorable!’

“The seventh time I requested him,” Kagome continued, smiling widely and discreetly reaching for her boyfriend’s hand to give it a squeeze, “I told him that I actually had a thesis to finish so I couldn’t do anything right now, much less see someone. And then he said he’d wait.”

She giggled, keeping for herself the heated kiss they had shared afterwards. Sango bit back an ‘Awwww’, knowing it would only embarrass Inuyasha further. That being said, she had no idea why he hadn’t been willing to tell them. What was the problem with that story?

“Wait, so he was your deliveryman?” Miroku asked.

Sango and Inuyasha’s eyes met. Holy shit, no, she had to stop him…

“Yes, he was,” Kagome answered.

“So it’s just like a porn flick!”

He knew Sango was going to kill him for that, but the look on her— Oh, Inuyasha was not happy with him and Sango did look like she was going to murder him.

Well, he’d better start running then.

Kagome shook her head as his girlfriend caught him and Inuyasha and her both started growling and shouting at him.

“I mean he’s not wrong though,” she mumbled to herself.

Especially for the sex.

Inuyasha’s ear flicked and Kagome couldn’t help but smirk when she noticed his eyes widening.

She understood why he had teased her so much in the beginning. It was so much fun.

[sasuhinasno1fan]

Interesting flight

And here it is, the end of Klance AU Month. I actually did it, I did a story for every day, well except day 10 but I've done a whole series on YouTuber, I think I was allowed to skip an AU I knew I wasn't good at. A big thanks to @monthlyklance  for moding this event of sorts and being very nice as I sent them link after link of my fics because tumblr wouldn't show my stories in the tag search. Don't know if I'll do this again, maybe when I know time won't be taken up by classes. Wasn't my best fic I think but it's been a long day. Free Day (Single Parent AU)

“Are we going to see granny?” Sylvio asked, watching his uncle feed his little sister.

“Yeah, are you excited?” Lance asked, pulling the empty bottle away from Nadia’s mouth and then handing it to the young boy.

“Yeah, I can’t wait to spend my birthday with them. Uncle Lance?”

“Hmm, what’s wrong?”

“Can we go see mommy and papi?”

Lance’s smile faded a little. Sylvio’s parents, his own older brother and sister-in-law, died in a car crash. Lance had been babysitting his niece and nephew, being the only family member living in L.A like Marco, while everyone was in Florida. He’d just put the kids to sleep, wondering where his brother even was when he got a call. Everything had changed in that night. Being the only one of age that was in the area, Lance had gone from an uncle who was going to start working at the local kindergarten to being a stand in parent. It was hard, having to readjust, having to explain to his nephew that his parents weren’t coming back, to try and calm his niece who’d cry for her parents’ way of calming her. Sylvio had finally understood that his uncle was going to take care of him and his sister from then on, he seemed to grow up. He was only 4, Lance hated that he felt like he should be the one help take care of Nadia when all he should be concerned with was living as a 4 year old. Lance had sent the ashes of Marco and his wife Lisa to Florida to live with his parents after he’d find Sylvio staring at the urn for hours.

“Sure buddy. You need to tell them about all you’ve been up to.”

“We’re about to start boarding for Flight 239 from Los Angles to Florida. Please look at your ticket for your boarding group number. We’d like to invite our first class flyers and membership flyers to start boarding.”

“Grab our tickets buddy.” Lance instructed as he fitted Nadia into the front carrier, feeling her little breaths against his chest. “What number we got?”

“1!” Sylvio called, showing off the tickets to his uncle.

“That’s right. You hold on tight to that ok? I’ll hold our bag alright?”

“We now invite group 1 to board.”

“That’s us! Let’s go Uncle Lance.” Sylvio said, jumping from his seat and running to the line. Lance smiled apologetically to the people who’d been cut off by Sylvio. The flight attendants smiled down at Sylvio as they took the tickets and scanned them before pointing then in the right direction.

“Whoa, buddy, not so fast.” Lance said as Sylvio ran down the corridor to the plane.

“Hello little one.” The flight attendant at the entrance said, helping Sylvio onto the plane. “What’s your name?”

“Sylvio. That’s my sister Nadia and my Uncle Lance.”

“Is it your first time on a plane?”

“Yeah! I’m going to see my granny.”

“Oh, well when you go see her, you’ll have to show her this.” The flight attendant pulled out a pin of wings and attached it to Sylvio’s shirt.

“Uncle Lance, look!”

“Looking good buddy. Can you ask her where our seat is?”

“Oh, where are we sitting?” Sylvio asked, letting the flight attendant look at the ticket.

“You’re number 12 B which means you’re on the left. Do you know where your left hand is?”

“Yes!” he relied holding up his left hand.

“Let’s go buddy. Thank you.”

Using his left hand, Sylvio counted the chairs they passed slowly, Lance reminding him which numbers came next. They reached their seats and Lance had Sylvio climb into the seat by the window when he realised he had a problem. Nadia was still on his chest and he had to lift the carry on suitcase into the overhead bin. He could take her off and lay her down in the seats, but he could feel her start to squirm and he didn’t trust Sylvio to keep her still.

“Do you need help?” Lance looked to see the person standing behind him. he only had a backpack on, his sweatshirt drowning him.

“Um, if you could? I don’t want to risk hitting her.”

“Of course, back up a bit.” Like the suitcase weighed nothing, he picked it up and slid it into the overhead bin. Once it was set, he gestured for Lance to sit down. He waited for Lance the sit in his seat next to Sylvio before pulling his bag off and sitting next to him.

Their seat was the one right after the last first class seat so in no time, Sylvio climbed off his seat and sat on the floor. Lance didn’t say anything as it would still be some time until he had to sit his nephew down again and focused on making sure Nadia’s baby bag, that also held his laptop and tablet he’d given to Sylvio for the trip was under his seat. He didn’t want to have to shove it in the overhead bin. He saw that their aisle mate was the same, shoving his bookbag under his seat.

“Excuse me,” one of the flight attendants asked, “we have basinets if you want one for your daughter?”

“Niece and thank you.” Lance said, patting Nadia as she started to whine a little.

“You probably have time to feed her before we take off.” Their aisle mate said.

Lance looked over at him. he’d stripped his sweatshirt, not bothering to fix his shirt, which even its mess showed his fit figure. He also noticed how long his hair was. It was past his shoulders and looked really soft. He hoped Nadia didn’t spot it. Lisa had long hair so Nadia was used to long hair being near her when she was being held.

“She already ate. Thankfully she got hungry before we had to board.”

The guy looked down at Sylvio who was looking under the seats. “You having fun down there?”

“Uh huh!”

He let out a small laugh, smiling at Sylvio. Thank god, he seemed to like kids. “Cute kid.”

“It’s in his genes. We McClains are adorable.”

“I’m sure.”

Everyone was seated and Lance had coaxed Sylvio up to his seat for take-off. Their aisle mate offered him gum to help with the pressure build-up, letting Sylvio take an extra one. Nadia had dozed off and Lance hoped she’d stay like that for a while. Sylvio’s eyes were glued to the open window as the plane went down the runway and started to pick up speed.

“We’re going fast!”

“Keep chewing buddy, it’ll help your ears.” Lance said.

Soon the plane tipped up and they took off. Sylvio’s chewing slowed as he watched the world below the plane grow smaller. Lance glanced down as Nadia’s face scrunched up. He gently shushed her, hoping she stayed asleep. As they got higher though, she moved around more and woke up crying. Lance groaned in his head. Crying baby and they weren’t allowed to move around yet, just his luck.

Sylvio, thank god, turned away from the window and started asking his sister what was wrong. Usually it would calm her down slightly but Lance guessed the pressure was hurting her too much for her to pay attention to her brother.

“Is it the pressure bothering her?” His aisle mate asked.

“Yeah, I’m really sorry.”

“It’s fine, really. I know people get annoyed by it but babies can’t really control these things.”

Lance was extremely grateful of the understanding man. Finally the seatbelt sign turned off and Lance blocked out what the head flight attendant was saying as he undid his seatbelt and was let out by the still slightly ruffled man. “Sylvio, stay here ok?”

“Ok.”

Lance tried to ignore the looks he got as Nadia continued to cry. He hadn’t gotten the chance to grab her pacifier though he doubted she’d keep it in her mouth. He gently shushed her, bouncing as he tried to calm her down. Thankfully her cries lessened but she still whined loudly.

“Shh, shh, you’re ok.” He whispered when he saw the same man coming towards him. he moved away from the bathroom thinking he was heading there.

“Your, um, nephew, asked me check on you?”

“Sylvio yeah. He knows he can’t do it himself. You don’t have to.”

“I don’t mind. What’s her name?”

“Nadia.”

“Nadia.” He called, standing next to Lance. “Nadia.”

Hearing a new voice, Nadia tired looking for it, her whining quieting some.

“Do you want to try holding her?”

“If it’s ok.”

“Sure. Help me?” he asked, pointing to the buckle on his back.

It was unclipped and Lance slipped the handles off, keeping Nadia close to him. he let the other man take her, easily taking her into his arms.

“You’re pretty good.”

“My brother has a kid, I volunteered at their day-care.”

Nadia’s whining stopped as she stared up at the new face. She blinked and reached out her hand.

“Wait, Nadia, no!” Lance said as she gripped his hair, holding it firm in her grip. Her gaze was completely fixed on the long black strands in her fist. “I am so sorry. She has a thing with hair, she doesn’t let – no don’t put it in your mouth! Oh god, Nadia.”

“It’s ok. I mean there are worse ways to spend a flight. I never did introduce myself, I’m Keith.” He said, his hand pulling Nadia’s fist away from her mouth.

“Lance, hi. Um, she’s not going to let go.”

“It’s ok, I don’t mind holding her. Besides, you still have your nephew to worry about.”

“Um, right. Thanks.” Lance pulled off the carrier entirely and lead them back to there seats where Sylvio stared at his sister in Keith’s arms.

“She liked his hair?”

“You know your sister. Do you want your tablet?”

“Yes please.”

“How old is he?” Keith asked letting Nadia stand on his lap so he wouldn’t risk her pulling out his hair.

“4.”

“He talks a lot for a 4 year old.”

“Another gene of McClains, we don’t have an off switch.” Lance said, opening the armrest to pull out the try for Sylvio, letting him navigate the tablet on his own. “So you volunteer at your um?”

“Nephew. I picked him up one day and was asked to stick around to help with something and the next thing I knew, I kept going back. I work in security so kids except my nephew I never thought were my forte. Turns out I’m not bad with them.”

“I can tell. I work at a kindergarten and I don’t think I’ve managed to calm a fussy kid down the quickly.”

“I guess you’d be good with kids. You got Sylvio very worried about you.”

Lance gained a pain smile on his face, “it for a different reason. Their parents died a while back. I went from babysitting uncle to new dad in a night.” Looking over at Sylvio who focused on the tablet. “Sylvio had to understand that so young. When I dropped him off to school on the first day back, he wouldn’t stop crying for hours and of course seeing her brother cry made Nadia sad.”

“That must have been a lot.”

Lance nodded. “It was. Parenting is terrifying enough. It’s hard but a smile from either of these two makes it feel worth it.”

“I know they must apr-Ow!” Keith was cut off when Nadia pulled on his hair.

“No Nadia.” Lance said, pulling her fist open, even though she whined. Keith sat her on his lap and gave her his hand to play with. “Again, really sorry.” He said, pushing Keith’s hair off his shoulders.

“Here’s that bassinet.” The flight attendant came and attached the carrier onto the wall in front of them, pressing down on it to make sure it was stable. “Let’s give your boyfriend’s lap a break.

“Oh, uh, he’s not my boyfriend.” Lance corrected, feeling his cheeks getting hot.

“What’s a boyfriend?” Sylvio asked, Lance frowning at him.

“Now you pull your attention from the tablet. Don’t worry about that silly.”

“Sorry, it’s just she seems so comfortable on his lap and he seemed so nice to you as you were boarding. My apologies. We’ll start the drink service soon.”

“Thank you.” Once the flight attendant left, Lance turned to Keith. “I honestly feel like all I’m doing is apologizing.”

Keith lifted Nadia off his lap and placed her in the basinet, watching her look around. “It’s ok. I can certainly say this is one of the most interesting flights I’ve been on.”

[la-knight]

BOOKS I (RE)READ IN 2018: FURTHERMORE BY TAHEREH MAFI

"Alice Alexis Queensmeadow, 12, rates three things most important: Mother, who wouldn’t miss her; magic and color, which seem to elude her; and Father, who always loved her. Father disappeared from Ferenwood with only a ruler, almost three years ago. But she will have to travel through the mythical, dangerous land of Furthermore, where down can be up, paper is alive, and left can be both right and very, very wrong. Her only companion is Oliver whose own magic is based in lies and deceit. Alice must first find herself—and hold fast to the magic of love in the face of loss." "Red was ruby, green was fluorescent, yellow was simply incandescent. Color was life. Color was everything. Color, you see, was the universal sign of magic." "Love, it turned out, could both hurt and heal." "Narrow-mindedness will only get you as far as Nowhere, and once you're there, you're lost forever.” "Alice was an odd girl, even for Ferenwood, where the sun occasionally rained and the colors were brighter than usual and magic was as common as a frowning parent." "Making magic is far more interesting than making sense." So I actually read this book a few months ago and then recently reread it via audio so I could remember all the details for this review. I was first introduced to Tahereh Mafi’s work through her book Shatter Me, her debut novel. Ironically, it wasn’t through any of the ways I normally hear about books - Booktube, Goodreads, my best friend, Booklr - but from my husband’s aunt. She runs - or used to run, not sure if she’s still doing it - a book review blog. And she posted a review of Shatter Me and I was like, “What a weird, interesting writing style, lemme check this out.” At this point the entire Shatter Me Trilogy plus novellas had been published and I devoured all of them (still need to review those, too). So when I heard Tahereh Mafi was writing a middle grade book, I got super excited! Especially because this was during a time when I was too stressed out to read any YA, since most of the YA I like involves having to save the world and all the stress that entails. I need to lay out some trigger warnings real quick: the main character, Alice? Her mom is incredibly abusive, both emotionally and physically. It’s treated as not such a big deal in the book, which is honestly the story’s only real flaw, but it’s bad. It took me seven tries and resorting to an audiobook (and even with a fantastic narrator, that short audiobook took me almost a month to get through) because the abuse was so bad. So:

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS BOOK CONTAINS EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE OF A CHILD BY THEIR PARENT

Let’s get started, yo! First of all, the setting. OMG. See, I love tthis thing called Victorian fairy tales, which is something you can find in books like Mary Poppins - these super fantastical bits of whimsy that just warm your heart and make you grin because they’re so creative and fun. In the Mary Poppins books, you can jump into chalk drawings and go to a circus amidst the stars and make friends with a woman who sells living candy-cane horses. In Catherynne Valente’s Fairyland series, there are shadow balls and talking phonographs. And in Furthermore, there’s light raining down from the sky in literal drops, sticks of magic you use like money, and forests full of invisible berries. The way the world is put together and described, so full of color and imagination, is awesome and beautiful and I could picture it perfectly. It reminded me in all the best ways of books like The Phantom Tollbooth (one of my favorites). But I wouldn’t want to live there, because Ferenwood is full of colorism and ick. Alice, the female lead, is an albino in a world where color is important and the darker you are, the more magical you’re considered to be. So Alice gets treated like garbage. 

Also I think Alice may be autistic, but I don’t know if she’s deliberately coded autistic or if Tahereh Mafi did it by accident while trying to make Alice eccentric, but she comes across as autistic. I’ve actually begun to pay more attention to that sort of the thing in recent years, being autistic myself, and I see it a lot - authors giving their characters autistic characteristics, often without meaning to. I just touch on it here because Alice is already treated badly for being albino, but she’s also considered a freak because of the way she behaves - like an autistic preteen. And I wonder if Tahereh Mafi did that on purpose as a sort of commentary or not, because while Alice is treated badly by the people of Ferenwood for her behavior, the Narrator (who is an actual character in the story; love when that happens) always sides with Alice in this regard. The storyline is sweet and I love it. Alice tries to compete in the magical testing all the preteens do on their twelfth birthday, and so she dances. And her dancing is magical but it’s not Magical, you know? So she fails the test. Well, turns out a boy who passed the test the year before, Oliver (the brat), needs Alice’s help fulfilling a quest - rescuing Alice’s missing dad. So they go on a quest together, although Alice hates Oliver (and rightly so, he’s rude). They go to a dozen different and cool places, all of which are dangerous and all of which are different. I wish we could’ve spent more time in those places but I understand why we didn’t. The only annoying thing is there’s an origami fox on the cover but it only pops up in one of the worlds for like two pages and then it’s gone and I thought we could spend more time both in that world and with that creature since it ended up on the cover. But alas, not. I understand why - middle grade is often cursed to be short, especially if it’s the author’s first MG novel ever. Once you get big and bad like Rick Riordan you can start tossing out gihugic tomes like Son of Neptune or Blood of Olympus on the regular. Oliver’s reason for needing Alice was one I didn’t see coming, nor was her magical talent - a talent they hint at throughout the book but never explain until near the end, at the perfect moment. I thought it was an interesting commentary on how young girls perceive themselves, that Alice hates this marvelous, amazing talent she has of bringing color into the world from nothing...because she can’t use it to change how she looks. Society has trained her already, by the age of twelve, to discount something incredible about herself because she can’t use it to make herself into what society wants her to be. That’s pretty impressive for a book this short. I loved some of the more deliberate messages in the work - the thing I mentioned about society’s pressures on young girls, and also that it’s okay to tell boys to screw off if they’re mean to you, and to have hope and to look for second chances (Alice thinks she only has one chance to pass the test and believes her life is over when she fails, only to find out she can try again the next year). I love all of that, and the lyrical and whimsical quality of the prose, and the world building is so creative and also makes me a bit hungry (people eat magic in this book, among other things; I wonder what it tastes like). Now...let’s talk about the abuse. That’s my biggest issue with the book. Alice’s mother is a total bitch. And not in a cool, kickass way like the lady in the show Empire. She’s vicious, she’s cruel, and she’s abusive. Alice knows - and the Narrator confirms - that she turned bad when her husband went missing, and apparently the worry for him and the strain of raising four kids on her own is making her hard and sad, but I don’t give a shit. I was hoping Tahereh Mafi would’ve gone all Hansel and Gretel on this lady and when Alice comes home with her dad, the wife’s dead or something. She beats Alice (at one point she beat Alice for chasing a boy out of the place where she was sleeping, even though he kept staring at her in her sleeping clothes, because apparently the boy - Oliver - had the right to break into their barn at 3AM and ogle Alice???), she verbally abuses Alice, she sends her to bed regularly without dinner, is constantly criticizing, won’t hug her or kiss her, and - this one really got me, for some reason - forces her to do illegal things. Those invisible berries I mentioned? Alice can find them and bring back whole baskets because of her magical gift, and so her mom sends her out to pick them all the time. If she brings home enough, her mom smiles. If she doesn’t, her mom yells and calls her names and sometimes beats her. Guess what? Picking those berries is illegal. We don’t find this out until much later in the book, but it is. The thing I didn’t like about the berries is that Oliver, who’s thirteen, is less concerned about Alice’s mother beating her for not picking enough contraband berries and instead focuses on how her ability to find the berries in the first place means Alice has really impressive magic. NOBODY seems to care how much Alice is being abused, not even the Narrator. The Narrator sympathizes with Alice’s hurt feelings and despair over her missing Father, but it’s never objectively stated that her mom is abusing her AND SHE IS. Yeah, her mom is sooo glad to have her back after Alice almost dies on her trip with Oliver, but so what? My roommate’s mom is so abusive that my roommate’s clergy leaders, doctors, and psychological therapist all said my roommate needed to cut ties with said mom, even though my roommate’s mom has also exhibited the same kind of “oh baby I’m so sorry, I love you so much” bullshit. That’s what abusers do. So I hate Alice’s mom. She literally makes her daughter feel like if she doesn’t risk her life numerous times AND bring her father back, there is no chance her mother will ever love her. And if she pulls that stuff off (which she does), then MAYBE her mother will love her. Nuh-uh. Nope. Hate that bitch. Other than that, I really loved this book. The characters felt real (Alice is me, but without my anger), Even the ones I didn’t like were still REAL, and well-drawn. The world building and word choice is fantastic. Basically, if you can get past the evil mom, read this book. World Building: 1 star Realism: 1 star Word Choice: 1 star Plot: 1 star Characterization: 1 star - ¼ star because Oliver Newbanks is an obnoxious little creep - 1 star because the mom is AN ABUSIVE EVIL BITCH - ¼ star because NOBODY DOES ANYTHING ABOUT THAT +½ star because Alice is amazing and has a genius brain and I love her Total score: 4/5 stars Would I Buy It: Yes! I own it and loved it enough I got the sequel for Christmas (in...2017...I've been sitting on this review for months...)! Would I Recommend: yes, but with trigger warnings. Again, highly abusive evil bitch mom who somehow doesn’t die.

[crumpledjournal]

5.2.17

so apparently my school does this program where kids can head out into the woods for a weekend every once in a while and just… talk it out i guess. that was this past weekend, Ma (not my mom, a friend) told me to go. my old history teacher had been plugging for the trip for years, but id never actually gone. never thought id be able to explain wanting to go have a feelings jam with a buncha other kids in the woods to my dad. i didnt really until i came back and recapped a little (honoring the agreement i signed before going to not share anyones story from the trip).

on the one hand, i feel so fucking healthy!!! i feel like i have subsisted for the past year off of nothing but avocado smoothies and kale juice and like i have been doing yoga for 85 hours a day and like i finally met a person or two who i can actually speak my mind to and get more than just a “sure dude.” like, good lord does this feel good

i mean, thats what i told Ge and Di and i genuinely believe it. (both Di and i knew basically nobody other than eachother and we were alone in a sea of strangers for the first few hours.)

dont get me wrong, i feel lots better. i got a lot off of my chest. but there was also a lot left unsaid on my part. out of all the people there (about 90) there were two others who shared that they were genderqueer (and there were only like two other people who brought up the topic at all). one of them i had some p bad experiences with in middle school. the other was a student leader and facilitator of the trip, so Re (the leader) didnt really have a lot of time to talk, and in the discussions Re was mostly asking questions and… well, facilitating. plus, gender came up like once. and Re was not there.

but i was! it was nice to talk a little. i was in a meeting with the school principal about installing gender neutral bathrooms at the school a week or two ago and i talked about that with them, and i told them that being genderqueer goes waywaywayway back and lots of other stuff, i guess. but i didnt say anything about my experiences with being genderqueer, really.

and damn did i want to! idk if yall have picked up on this yet (all none of you) but talking to people about my shit is just so healing for me. thats why i have a public journal! like, talking to equals and feeling heard. i could tell my mom or the school therapist (and i do, often) about my shit and its cool, theyre supportive and shit, but since i started this class ive had no time to keep up old friendships that were based around hanging out. like, were still friends i guess, but… playing minigolf over text is just not the same, man.

there was this thing last night where from like, right after dinner until about 3 in the morning, we talked. people had seven minutes that they could use however they wanted in front of the whole group, and it was just their job to listen. and let me tell you, id been crafting my seven minutes for like, three hours before my name came up. the thing is, i planned like twenty minutes of monologue. i talked about a bunch of the family stuff ive got and that was real cathartic. i also got to talk about my struggles with depression, which was a real common topic. but… ive been thinking about the possibility of myself being a trans girl really, really hard over the past couple of months, and i still havent shared that other than with the people whove read this journal.

which is nobody, other than a couple people browsing tags when i talked about moana a little while ago. i havent told that many people i write this, but. i kinda trusted those who i did to read it i guess.

i dunno. i think im most afraid that im not going to have any healthy girl friendships. i see all these women and girls and they have such supportive relationships with eachother. i see it every day. holy shit, if you havent seen the rage and passion with which girls defend their true friends… Hoo Boy.

and im so worried i wont have that! like. i love being agender, and it’s wonderful to have the ability and the knowledge and the acceptance to be an out nonbinary person and not really have so many problems stemming from that in my life. but i have this fear that that ill be in this purgatory of a questioning period for just long enough that when i finally make up my goddamn mind and trust my conviction enough to come out as a trans girl ill have lost the opportunity to have these wonderful, girl-to-girl relationships. as an agender person i feel like so much of an intruder in these female spaces.

Like, Ha (who I met on the trip) was so wonderful and badass, especially considering the amount of shit shes had to go through. jimminy christmas, shes fucking strong. i try not to gender people here but when the topic is gender itself that kind of context feels crucial… but anyways. she came and sat with me when i was eating lunch alone in the corner and brought a couple other girls and. i mean, some of the body language of the others kind of told me they werent super interested in me being there but… it felt… so good. just to be in a female space, just to be included there for the most part, without cis guys around that i would get lumped with.

but then i think i had a panic attack like, near to immediately after that, because i felt like i was making them incredibly uncomfortable by being an intruder in their female space. and when my female friends were having a hard time during the trip (as often happened) i felt like it wasnt my place to comfort them and that as a natal male i would just make them more uncomfortable and they would doubt their friendship with me because so many guys just take advantage of women when they’re at their lowest emotional state and that’s the last thing i want to be seen as and i tried to hug a few women who were having a really hard time over the course of the trip but i just got this churning in my stomach because i might make it worse if i make them think i just want to hug them so i can feel them aginst my stupid fucking body and if i keep writing this sentence then im going to have another panic attack

i dont know what to do. i dont know who to talk to because despite the number of people who said i could come to them this weekend, nobody else talked about gender shit, and those genderqueer people who i do know have just told me to look into my heart and shit, which doesnt help because thats what ive been trying to do. i feel like i cant talk to women because to them ill just be another guy who’s venting because he feels like he can dump all his emotional shit on the closest woman (especially women i just met on the trip, i couldnt ask them to spend however long it takes out of their day to read this when i just met them). i feel like i cant talk to men because if theyre not transphobic to begin with, they either refuse to talk about emotional shit, or can neither relate to feeling like they wont have any healthy girl-to-girl friendships nor realte to being genderqueer. i know im going to send this little essay to somebody soon because i just need to hear at least one other persons thoughts but i dont know who its going to be

and on top of all of that i keep getting these stomach aches at mealtimes and no other time of day and i dont know if it was the confessions from people with eating disorders or something else but my stomach aches and then i dont eat and then it aches because im hungry until the next meal when it aches again and i cant eat and when youre choosing between not eating or eating and feeling like you want to throw up, do you have an eating disorder already? i dont know anything thats going on with my body and im depressed and i feel so ashamed because there were so many people who had stories that felt so much more real than just a pronoun and a stomach ache and they spent their seven minutes with what seemed like no regrets about not having shared things and here i am writing a fucking dissertation pity paper about myself because i feel like it wasnt enough time to talk about my dumb fucking problems even though what i have aint shit and if i fall into the spiral of ands i legitimately will have a worse panic attack and i dont know who i can comfortably ask to do the fucking weightlifting championship level shit that is required to do the emotional heavy lifting and read bullshit im putting on the page without feeling like im inconveniencing them to the nth degree

so i guess thats where im at

[voidwizerd-archive]

[[ “What the hell is a Kankri?” Wiz Lalonde, prior to realizing a Mista k e

part one of Wiz/Kankri logs from yesterday and today ]]

valorousimperial Mm........ I don't understand.

wiz-texts um im sorry i think u have th wrong account who r u??? u seem confused bout somethin i hope u get in contact w th person ur tryin to reach they prolly got th answers ur lookin fr

valorousimperial I don't think anyone has the answers I'm looking for. They died with your memory of me. Enjoy that unmarked body.

wiz-texts wait. what??? im sorry i dont kno who u r also i havent posted *nothin* bout an unmarked body how th fuck do u kno bout that????

valorousimperial Well, up to last light, we WERE quadranted. I've seen you naked a few times.

wiz-texts okay..... that is bullshit, n u r confused. i may have bad memory but not *that* bad

valorousimperial Wiz Lalonde you cannot possibly have forgotten the stipulations of the deal you made.

valorousimperial ...I'm Kankri.

wiz-texts ...i forgot you i. how could i have im so sorry i dont understand whats happenin

valorousimperial Makes two of us.

wiz-texts im so sorry no that. that prolly dont mean shit. fuck.

valorousimperial ... Not really. No.

wiz-texts Lilac n Red are tellin me not to run away, n i wont, but this is your home im in, apparently

valorousimperial A couple of nights ago, it was your home, too.

wiz-texts i wont stay here if you dont want me to. after what i jus did... fuck, i wouldnt blame you one second for tellin me to leave

wiz-texts ...it still feels like it is

wiz-texts i, im sorry. ill keep my thoughts to myself do.... do you want me to go?

valorousimperial No I'm glad this is still your home

valorousimperial Everyone keeps telling me this will... Get better. I don't know how. But it won't happen if I make you leave.

wiz-texts theyre tellin me that too i dont see how

wiz-texts im so sorry. im so sorry for hurtin you. im so sorry for all of this i wish i could give you th answers and i wish i could make everythin better im sorry

valorousimperial It hurts

[[ Hours In The Future, But Not Many... ]]

valorousimperial Anyway, I thought you should know that those are my teeth.

wiz-texts *fuck* im im sorry i kept holdin it because it felt nice should i not..?????? im sorry

valorousimperial No it

valorousimperial Actually Really comforts me to hear that You did that before. When you were stressed.

wiz-texts i did...? it does feel nice. anchorin but what i did, i shouldnt......

valorousimperial It's fine.

wiz-texts doesnt seem that way fuck, i. am i supposed to talk to you? not talk to you???? i dont know

wiz-texts i dont want to keep hurtin you more than i have...

valorousimperial I I don't know what's fine and not fine

valorousimperial I know I'm selfish and awful and if there's one scar left on you and I made it, if you keep holding it because it makes you feel better, if you don't recoil from it just for existing, then Then they can't have taken everything about me from you.

wiz-texts i..... i think i like it, actually

valorousimperial ??

wiz-texts i like how it looks, n feels. it's got these sorta... ridges?? th dents from th teeth are fun to trace my fingers over is..... is that okay for me to say??? is *any* of this okay gosh i dunno....

valorousimperial Yes.

wiz-texts yes??

valorousimperial I think a lot of things aren't okay. But this is. This is This is them failing. This is them not taking us away from each other. This is good.

valorousimperial I guess that we have to meet one another again.

valorousimperial [[ oh shit it’s dat beautiful boi.jpg aka mun sent an actual picture but i’m being a dork ]] This is me, I'm a troll. Which you had probably figured out.

wiz-texts yea no offense but im in your palace, id be a little concerned if you werent a troll ha youre..... youre really pretty n i have a confession, ive already seen this picture

valorousimperial This is the whole picture!! And it's not tiny!! I like to think that I'm pretty, I'm glad you do, too.

wiz-texts because i went through all the tags and message history like..... five or six times already nothin came back. im sorry

valorousimperial ... Oh, I Didn't figure it would But I'm glad you tried.

wiz-texts i wanted to try. wanted to see if i could feel..... *somethin* like memory

valorousimperial I assume there's not even a sense of deja vu.

wiz-texts it feels different. ive forgotten a lot of things n those are all fuzzy, its like..... like my brain is swamped in a fog

wiz-texts this, though, it dont feel fuzzy it feels like its just been..... scooped right outta my brain. cant remember what isnt there anymore, right

valorousimperial Right I don't begrudge you that. I begrudge you WHY it's gone. But not that it is.

wiz-texts there is some kinda feelin but i dont know if thats because of my guilt or nah. great mystery right there.....

wiz-texts not deja vu. somethin else

valorousimperial ?

wiz-texts like..... shucks, i dunno how to word it

wiz-texts .....

wiz-texts heck

valorousimperial The best you can do works for me.

wiz-texts i. i dont know, i.... feel like maybe its out of line?? too soon???? im just... lookin at things and thinkin n searchin until things go blurry

valorousimperial It's never too soon for you to take comfort in things. You and I, We'll just Play it by ear, right? And maybe things can work again. Do you maybe want to play a questions game?

wiz-texts i aint.... exactly takin comfort in it i dont think???

valorousimperial ?

wiz-texts it. mm. th thing i keep feelin goin through th tags ......because im a stubborn fuck n starin at everythin for. i think this is my fourteenth time through th whole thing

wiz-texts it aint deja vu but its like......... somethin of me *does* know you???? not a memory but. somethin .........

valorousimperial Well This is the part where you intimately relearn my penchant for dirty jokes, I guess But I bet I can guess what part of you remembers me...

wiz-texts ....you actually got me to laugh there sounded more like this wheezin sorta thing but thats what it was

valorousimperial Pfft.

wiz-texts but no its like... ppl talk bout butterflies in their stomachs, when they like someone, right???? its like that i guess

valorousimperial !!!!

wiz-texts except its more in my chest n it feels like..... a knot??? a knot gettin pulled tighter n tighter n then i get overwhelmed n i cry but i dont. know if thats good or bad it feels good AND bad if that makes any sense i dunno....... i dunno

valorousimperial Less !!!! Butt still at least !

wiz-texts why????

valorousimperial I just I want you to feel things about me.

wiz-texts i do too i want to feel *all* th things bout you, i want to feel everythin i did before n like add a whole bunch more on top to. to make up for this if you want me to if you dont thats... thats okay. rly its your decision

valorousimperial I don't know

valorousimperial I'm

wiz-texts .....obviously i already made mine. ha....

valorousimperial I'm really fucked up about this.

wiz-texts i know. im sorry i shouldnt have said that

valorousimperial ...yes. You did make your decision. But you had to have had a reason. Because all this... Getting rid of the hated scars, and leaving mine behind The fluttering and the tightness in you when you look at who we were together

wiz-texts im blurtin out everythin that comes into my head, ill....... ill stop. i shouldnt be doin this to you. i shouldnt its gotta be hurtin you n i dont want that

valorousimperial WANTING to have what we did again You clearly don't hate me, or my memory. So you You had to have had a reason.

wiz-texts ..... yea but i... i cant begin to understand it. i remember how much i hated th scars but...... it doesnt make sense. ive been tryin all night n it doesnt make sense

valorousimperial ?

valorousimperial All night? Like, all of all night? Did you get a nap? Did you focus on something else?

wiz-texts not...... really......

valorousimperial !! Are you very tired?

wiz-texts dunno? dunno ???????? um

valorousimperial You used to get really very exhausted Easily.

wiz-texts i have been picked up by a judgin troll lady

valorousimperial ?????

wiz-texts Lilac keeps. voodooin ppl in here i kinda barricaded th door n hid away for a little so i could think

valorousimperial He's a good clown.

wiz-texts um. it seems that was a while ago. breakfast time????? what time is it now i dont think im exhausted but its hard to tell so. oh well

valorousimperial You haven't eaten AT ALL? Oh, Wiz, no No, don't do that.

wiz-texts i forgot. didnt feel hungry or much of anything else tbh scold Keeune too he's been awake since his shift last light wtf

valorousimperial Keeune is attached to you and doing much what I would if I found out you were mysteriously sick.

wiz-texts im not? sick?????

valorousimperial In a way.

wiz-texts ....oh

wiz-texts um

wiz-texts you should go to sleep. i wouldnt wanna keep you when your moirail is waitin

valorousimperial No, I'm okay.

wiz-texts mm......

valorousimperial Let's play the questions game. What's your favorite color?

valorousimperial Oh, I didn't see his post

wiz-texts ha. yea thats what i meant

valorousimperial He's so drowsy. He'll fall asleep any minute.

wiz-texts u should go to him though!!

valorousimperial I'm with him.

wiz-texts then like.... go to sleep???

wiz-texts [[ wiz, internally: give attention to your real quad..... ]]

valorousimperial What’s your favorite color?

[zackinthegreen]

dont read

i hate getting hit by just how much ive fucked up my own life

i hate that tumblr so clearly shows who a post on your dash was reblogged from because it means that i either have to unfollow a bunch of blogs/people i like and have this site be barren or just be constantly faced with the urls of people that hate you now. it especially stings when its a post thats about about like how poor mental health and like being patient with people. But those same people cut you loose the minute you cross a line. and like i sorta get it, im not denying what i did was bad but like idk its just strange because i was trying to avoid us not being friends anymore but it all just made it worse. was it how i worded it? could it have been salvaged by just a minor tweak or was it always going to fail. if i had just said “i feel bad about this thing in a way that i dont fully understand but also still know isnt quite right”, instead of failing to figure out what it was while scattershotting answers at them before reflecting on if they were right; would that have been any better? 

it just feels like sometimes you have no relationships with anyone, and to some extent have i ever? like have i ever in my life had an actual, close friend? im not close to any of my family (although i appreciate that my mother puts up with a lot of my shit). idk im hungry and tired and worried about grades and money and just the future in general which is the exact position i was in when i said the thing that pushed those people away. it also feels like maybe my expectation of forgiveness have been warped by my family, and specifically my mother. in that she was maybe too forgiving to my sister and my father. but instead of seeing that she was generous i thought i was being too tough on emily but maybe thats reversed.   

and like this morning i just kept think about the one romantic relationship ive actually cared about and how much of an absolute disaster that was. like it wouldnt have lasted forever or anything and they seem happy with who they are with but boy do i wish  so many things about that had gone differently than it had. there was something that i had done that probably came off as really controlling and in practice it was but it was just that i was so paranoid about what people thought of me, and of certain information somehow getting back to my family that i didnt stop to think “if you dont want people to know things you do or say then dont do or say them” like especially because that person became involved and it becomes their story too, they should be able to tell who they want. I did also make a complete ass of myself after it was over too, for months afterward i was just a real dick to them; and we were still in classes together and i just needed to argue with them about every little thing even if they were right.  

and i know that like therapy was, before this pandemic, an option that i could have taken to maybe help with my anxieties or whatever the hell is wrong with me but ive tried that with four different people over several sessions each and its always just sitting in uncomfortable silence for an hour while im shaking, almost crying, and avoiding eye contact. but again i should have just said something.  

and school. Its going terribly and i can only partly blame that on myself. Im like four years in and still a whole year away from getting a two year degree that im not even sure i want anymore. like what the hell do i want to do for school, or a job, for my life because i have no clue.  

[highladyofdusk]

Storytime With DeeDee #1

So I wasnt really sure what to write about but I decided to tell you guys about one of the biggest problems in my life since this is supposed to be about you guys getting to know me better.

So like two years ago I went on a school trip to Valencia and I was thinking about it since like the year before we went. During that time I was also doing Duke of Edinburgh Bronze Award and the Valencia trip was between the practice expedition and the actual expedition. If you dont know what the Duke of Edinburgh Award is then its basically a thing in Britain where youre in a group of kids your age and of the same gender and you go camping. Having never gone camping before I was well excited. So the practice expedition is when you have teachers looking after you but not helping you while in the actual expedition the teachers are like some distance behind you.

Anyways I went on the practice expedition prepared. My parents grew up in quite rural areas (AKA the countryside) so they knew what they were doing. The hike and setting up was fun. We had dinner and then we had a campfire where we made smores which are really good. So it was finally time to go to bed and thats when the problems started.

I was all for going to sleep at a reasonable time as to have enough energy the next morning because we were doing another hike. So I shared the tent with two of my friends, one of who bailed on us to go to sleep in a different tent. I have trouble falling asleep in a new place. It takes me a couple of nights to go to sleep in a different place even if its in a different room in my house or like when I go over to sleep at my dads where Ive slept for like 3 years. My remaining friend was all for going to run around and explore during the night with the others. So we went to a bigger tent and ate a lot of sweets with our friends until I started feeling really tired so I went back to my tent. Also this tent had no locks and was outside with the badgers and foxes which we were warned about so that made me anxious as I always have to check the doors are locked at home before I go to sleep. This was around 11pm so I tossed and turned in the incredibly uncomfortable sleeping bag until I started feeling slightly sick. Being reasonable I thought that I was either hungry or really needed the toilet because my stomach was hurting. So I had some bread and went to the toilet where I threw up said bread. I just thought that I ate something funny because I wasnt sure about the pot noodle I ate for dinner but I was hungry. So I made a couple trips from the tent to the toilet where I had my first encounter with a badger which turned into a staring contest before it ran away (honestly I have like a sixth sense or something because I turned off my torch as to not wake anyone and sensed that something was there) before I decided to do the reasonable thing and call my mum. This was at 4am so keep in mind that I sat sobbing in my tent for 4ish hours before I decided to call my mum because food poisoning usually goes away after 2 hours for me so I was worried. My mum advised me to drink water and wait till someone showed up. I only got about half an hour of sleep that night because I just collapsed on my backpack from sheer exhaustion because after the hike and throwing up I was drained. My mum checked up on me every so often and once I woke up at 6am I saw that the camping experts or something had shown up so I went over to them and they sat me down on a chair, got my friend to collect my stuff, gave me water and went to fetch a teacher as I am socially awkward and cant wake people up without getting anxious. So the teacher came and called my mum. My mum got my dad to pick me up and I was home by 10am. I had a shower since there were no showers at the campsite, had some tea and slept till 3pm. My mum saw that I looked better and decided that it was food poisoning or that we cooked something wrong.

Then came Valencia, something that I was really excited about because England does not have the weather to go into the sea. I love going to warm countries and sitting on the beach or in the sea. And of course my period decided to start on the day of the trip which really annoyed me as I have long periods and the trip was only four days. So I went to school and we got on the plane and we were off. We arrived quite late and had some burgers for dinner before going to our rooms. We stayed at a university and the rooms were absolutely shit but I shared a room with two of my friends. So we unpacked, showered and went to sleep. Or they did. I was having that issue again and couldnt fall asleep. Then the throwing up began. I was fine during the days except that my period was heavier than usual and during Spanish lessons when I would sit in the toilet for most of the lesson. As long as I was enjoying myself and kept myself busy (like the time we went to a museum and I spent the time looking at cute chicks (like baby chickens) and dinosaur fossils) I felt normal. Then when night came I started feeling sick. It got to the point where I refused to eat because I found it pointless if I was going to throw up again. One of the teachers had a room next to mine and kept 'blackmailing' me. Like she kept saying that she would take me to the doctor and have my parents pay for it (I have free health care in the EU) or that she would send me back home if I would shut up and make my parents pay for the ticket back (when I told her that there were no flights she said that she would just send me to Poland (which is where I was born) since she knew I had family there) and what was worse was that she denied ever saying any of that once my mum complained to the school and nearly got me kicked out of school. So when we got back I was traumatised. I lost so much weight that I wouldnt fit into my old clothes anymore. My pants, unless they were like leggings, would fall right off (I gained the weight back dont worry). I refused to eat and I would keep throwing up and the only thing that would calm me down was this calming herbal tea. I would spend half an hour sat in the toilet crying until my mum decided that I needed to go to the doctor to at least try to fix my physical problems while giving me time off school to deal with the trauma caused by that trip. So I got medicine and was diagnosed with a nervous stomach which while it cant really be classified as an official medical condition I will still call it that.

"Having a nervous stomach could have to do with your emotional state or mental health, your digestive or gut health, or even a mixture of both. Rarely, it may signal something more serious going on. Nervous stomach can also just be how your digestive system works naturally during times of stress. As well, it could be just an isolated experience."

This is something I got from a health website on google. I believe my case of a nervous stomach which I now say is that my stomach has anxiety as a joke to deal with the trauma came from my emotional state or mental health.

So I got back to school while I was on medication and I started acting more like myself. So I went to see the teacher who organised the DofE (Duke of Edinburgh) and told him that I couldnt go on the expedition because I was on medication and had a 'medical condition'. He was fine with it but my Head of Year (teacher who was in charge of my year group) wasnt. She was helping that teacher organise the whole thing and took me out of lesson twice, once before the expedition because I hadnt been attending the meetings and the second time was on the day of the expedition. The first time she was calling me a liar and said that I was faking it for attention and that I wasnt on medication neither did I have a medical condition (when this is clearly something that could have been caused by my mental health) and that I needed to start getting involved because they paid for everything (literally my parents paid for all my equipment) and that she would ban me from ALL other trips no matter if they were trips to a park or residentials (over night trips) which was fucked up because I have a 'medical condition' that may have been caused by my mental health being not okay (cant find a better word) and mental health is something they are trying to improve in my school. The second time she was accusing me of not telling the teacher that I wasnt going on the expedition and when I tried to explain she would cut me off and start acting like a cheeky bratty teenager constantly saying "No" whenever I tried to say something. She forced me to go see the teacher because he was waiting for me downstairs but I was then told that they had left AN HOUR AGO. Like WTF?

Now my 'medical condition' hasnt popped up anymore apart from when I went to an award ceremomy coz I got nominated tor Young Person of the Year (which I got) but it wasnt as severe. So it hasnt gone away so we havent risked letting me go to sleepovers ot overnight trips. Anyways I have a nervous stomach and its currently wanting chocolate which means that we agree on something for once so this is DeeDee signing off!